Journal 11/14/06

I have been in such a funk lately. I don’t know if I am coming or going. I don’t know where my heart is at or where it needs to be and I am in a state of confusion and dismay. My emotions are so inconsistent yet that is not fully true. They are very consistent at being inconsistent. I wish I were more spiritual. I wish I had things more dialed in and had my act together. I wish…I wish…I wish.

But who am I kidding? The fact of the matter is that I don’t have it all together and that is just the way it is. But that does not change how good our God is. Paul said in Romans 11:33, “Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and His ways past finding out!”

And that is true no matter where I am spiritually. God has depth and because I don’t I can tap into his depth to help me in my shallowness and weakness. I can tap into the riches of His wonderful wisdom and knowledge and take a hold of those things and make them mine. I have access to my God and He loves me as He is my Father.

Jesus did all the work that needed to be done. He laid the foundation and gave me access to the Father. And because of the work that He did, I can become something that I am not. Just like Simon whose name means “Shifting Sand” I have been given a new name by the Lord. Simon was given the name Peter which means “Rock”. And though Simon was shifting sand most of the time, as he spent time with the Lord and partook of the depths of the wisdom and knowledge of God, he started changing from shifting sand to solid rock.

And that is my hope. As I am inconsistent and shallow and as I don’t know which way is up; that doesn’t matter as long as I tap into the resources that the King of kings has given to me.

Most people know this already, but for those of you who don’t I work at a box plant. We make boxes. Well, I have a new saying that I like using. Jesus is the glue that holds my flaps together. I just need to tap into him.

So with that said, Lord Jesus here I am. I want to tap into you and I want to be a child who is led by your Spirit. What is it that I need to do to get into that special place where I am changed by you and you alone? Please forgive me for being so lazy and complacent. Please forgive me for being so apathetic. Will you help me lean on you in these times when I don’t know which way is up? Please reveal yourself to me in a new and refreshing way. I know that you desire to do new things in my life and I want to hear from you and be empowered by you to do those things. So here I am Lord. Please speak to me.

Bill

Journal 11/6/06

Holy Spirit,

Thank you for Your conviction. Thank you for the power to do the right thing when you do convict me of sin. I was about to lie today and started to and you convicted me and I repented before you and the person who I started to lie to. Thank you for being so quick to convict me Lord and thank you for doing it in a way where I really felt bad and felt like I had to urgently get right before you and this person I was about to wrong. And the funny thing is that everything is just fine without the lie. My heart is so deceptive and its arguments are so persuasive. I wish my sinful heart did not have the strong hold that it does have upon me. But regardless, thank you for correcting me Lord.

I want to be a man led by your Spirit and I want to be a man who loves conviction. Thank you so much Father for the work of the Spirit. Please continue to convict me of all my wrong doings and sins and help me to continually repent before you. I want to be in the center of your will. And I am grateful for what happened today. In Jesus name I ask that you would continue to lead me in your ways.

Bill