tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-159276542024-03-23T10:44:26.018-07:00My heart displayed in writing...Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger361125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15927654.post-72801023440115342932011-03-21T19:30:00.001-07:002011-03-21T19:30:24.917-07:003-21-11sigh :(<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script language="JavaScript" src="http://www.livingwaters.com/add/countdown.js">
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15927654.post-79834146216300372072011-02-26T09:52:00.000-08:002011-02-26T10:26:00.612-08:002-26-11<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaR6NldRkQE7QiJOWE7Bv9CZztEnliqKgCGqxpblSJ3AkuQ4_KkvQUeMsn8VGg3dWc2JcLJxLVmclJvOBTCpCZto1Jl2Jbu7VpKhifjW91xQNwcj0Y1rA9G31iXjecMlPjJxcKug/s1600/Raindrops_5.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 333px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaR6NldRkQE7QiJOWE7Bv9CZztEnliqKgCGqxpblSJ3AkuQ4_KkvQUeMsn8VGg3dWc2JcLJxLVmclJvOBTCpCZto1Jl2Jbu7VpKhifjW91xQNwcj0Y1rA9G31iXjecMlPjJxcKug/s400/Raindrops_5.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5578059482901141554" /></a><br />It’s cold right now. I am sitting here in my living room trying to get the heat to do what it does best, keep me warm, and I am sure that once the heater is on for more than 30 seconds it will warm up my living room. It’s so funny how the littlest things get me thinking. For example: the cold. It got me thinking of how certain relationships I have had that I received so much warmth from, ones I cherished and valued and really sacrificially gave myself to, I am reminded at how easily they turned cold. These relationships brought me so much comfort and I valued them so highly, and now the only time that there is any sign of life is when it’s so heated that it scorches me to my core. It is so difficult to believe that these relationships are no more. They did not make it past the storms in my life.<br /><br />And it hurts. It hurts for a very long time. Healing doesn’t come overnight, it takes years and years before the wounds stop bleeding and the pain subsides. It is a very long, difficult and lonely road before you heal.<br /><br />One thing that does help is after you bear your soul to someone and they reject you, after you go through that loss; when you do find the courage to share who you are with someone else and they not only accept you but embrace who you are and love you as you are, it really gives you a glimmer of hope. But it’s so much more than that. When those people in my life, whether friends or family or even acquaintances, simply stepped up to the plate and embraced me, I felt a love that is so much deeper than the love that I lost. And gratitude, appreciation, and a form of love emanates from deep within me which naturally makes my relationships with these people so much closer, deeper and real. A confidence begins to swell up from deep inside, like a seed planted and starting to sprout. Hope. <br /><br />It feels as if all the tears that I have been shedding over the loss I have experienced, those same tears were watering the seeds of hope that are slowly sprouting. The storm almost took my life and devoured me, seems to be doing something that I am really starting to appreciate and value. I feel stronger. <br /><br />Yet the pain is still here. The storm is real and it really devastates, but I want to be a person who soars like the eagle. You know the Bald Eagle is a very interesting animal. When the storm comes and I mean a real storm not just some little drizzle. When a powerful hurricane hits land all the birds of the air start to frantically flee. Those little birds fly as fast as they can away from the violent storm and the devastation that the thunderous cyclone brings. But the eagle isn’t moved in the slightest. The Bald Eagle looks at the storm and just begins to mount up. It begins to look the storm right in the eye and it begins to head straight for it. It goes right through the eye of the storm and then it soars out onto the top of the storm. It flies until it is above the trial.<br /><br />All the other birds are running around below the pounding clouds but the eagle soars above it. It becomes victorious over it. As the little birds fight for their lives in the darkness; the eagle experiences blue skies. It is not scared in the midst of the storm but it moves right into the middle of it. The eagle faces some heavy trials and pressure and it comes out on top of it. And that is what I long to be and what I need because this storm hitting me is the darkest one I have ever been in. I fear that I am more like the little birds fleeing for safety but I want to be a person that endures and victoriously overcomes the storms in my life; how I long to be like the eagle.<br /><br />And then I look at Beethoven and all that he had to endure! The man was deaf; he could not hear. You know what he said? He said “I will take life by the throat!” He didn’t say “Forget it! That is it I am done. What do you expect me to do now? I am deaf! What kind of music can I make now? My life is OVER! Everything I am is now OVER!” That is not what he said. He said “I am going to take life by the throat!” He then went on to put together some of the greatest symphonies ever known. That is simply amazing to me! He could not hear. How did he do it? He was a man of perseverance! The storm came and he took it on and overcame the fierceness of the fiery trial. Sure the trial hurt him and it altered him but he was able to overcome all the obstacles as he simply persevered.<br /><br />I am not going to let this thing in my life stop or hinder me. I am not going to let this trial that I am in slow me down altogether. Sure it will knock me off my feet but I am going to get back up and fight. I will overcome or I will die trying! Though all things are against me I am not down for the count.<br /><br />When we can look at the storms in our lives and look for the eye of the storm and say that is where I am going. I am going to go right through it. It is at that time that I believe that the coal in our lives begin the process of turning into diamonds. Though I can’t see or feel it now I am sure that there are diamonds being formed deep within my wearisome soul. And it is that little glimmer of hope that I will look to as I get battered and bruised in the midst of this storm. So yeah, once again, these are my thoughts for the day.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script language="JavaScript" src="http://www.livingwaters.com/add/countdown.js">
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15927654.post-70694483922269992882011-02-09T07:05:00.000-08:002011-02-09T08:08:42.041-08:002-9-11<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjs7i3yKtaLsjjvHOE6pmdTRqMakDAEWB8M9G-xom2PXS-juasn_MQ4AufPUPUwiazVlDebAvjDYvAL_q80f7SryoKi_CUx_DXxeZbOqKt4_pNoNCJPiJW3TWdQ6Az7pLzpO-VJMQ/s1600/2011-01-04+14.15.24.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 204px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjs7i3yKtaLsjjvHOE6pmdTRqMakDAEWB8M9G-xom2PXS-juasn_MQ4AufPUPUwiazVlDebAvjDYvAL_q80f7SryoKi_CUx_DXxeZbOqKt4_pNoNCJPiJW3TWdQ6Az7pLzpO-VJMQ/s400/2011-01-04+14.15.24.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5571722068380034946" /></a><br />So it's Wednesday morning and I have some quiet time before I head out the door for work. I have needed to write for a few days, but my head has been so cloudy. Everything inside of me has been a big blur and I haven’t been able to collect my thoughts. So for the most part I have been ignoring it, but you can only do that for so long. So yeah, it’s time to write.<br /><br />It's funny how easily my emotions can tear me apart. First it breaks my head then my heart starts to suffer and ache. It kinda feels like these emotions are chewing at my bones; causing a silent chill to run through them. They are so persistent and it’s that constant nagging in the background that wears on me. Why can't these feelings leave me alone and just fade away?<br /><br />So yeah, I sit here in silence as I try to sort out what is in my head. It’s still a big blur. Silence builds a terrible wreckage inside of me at times, it feeds on my loneliness, my isolation and it creates a void buried deep inside the recesses of my soul. Gray shadows haunt and torment and torture me to the point where I feel stricken, despised and destroyed. I don’t like to be alone. Yet at times I do like the quietness. I like being able to reflect and just sip on a warm cup of coffee and just breathe. *Deep Breath, ahhhhh* I just don’t want to feel hopeless anymore. And that is where I think my head is at. I feel hopeless, like a lost cause that makes everyone around me uncomfortable by my presence. And I know that isn’t necessarily true at all times, but I feel like such a burden to people. I feel like a ball of confusion. I feel awkward.<br /><br />At times there is no sound of laughter or happiness in my heart, at other times my heart is filled with joy and I can't stop laughing. All these conflicting emotions can be felt at the same time. It's overwhelming. And I wouldn’t mind it so much if those feelings of utter despair would not be sitting there in the shadows of my mind waiting for an opportune time to devour me. I feel so guarded, not just from other people but from myself as well. I feel like I have to be prepared for battle at all times as I wait for these feelings of despair to make their next move. And all I want to do is rest, but I am afraid that once I let my guard down and I look the other way, that the feelings of despair will attack me and I will be unable to fight them off. I am weak. I don’t want conflict. I hate fighting, yet this is the best analogy that I can think of when it comes to the internal struggles I face.<br /><br />Do I throw in the towel today or do I carry on in the circles that I seem to find myself in? These somber, melancholy moods wear me down as they tell me that it’s futile to hope, dream and pray. But I know they are lies. I feel hopeful even in the midst of confusion, but I am tired.<br /><br />Emptiness wants to builds a home within me. And oh how I run from it like I would run from the black plague. I am confused. I feel like an exile, different and disdained. So yeah, confusion, internal confusion seems to be where my head is at right now. I don’t feel depressed, thank Gawd!!! I just feel like I am walking around in the fog as I try to get my bearings and figure out where I am at. I can see the faint images of things around me but the fog really hinders my view and I can only make out the shapes, but there is no clarity. I have no idea if I am in a place I recognize. Everything is blocked by the fog. I feel confused.<br /><br />Have things changed? Or are they the same? If I wanted to get home, do I walk the same way, in the same direction or do I turn around and walk the other way? Or am I standing in front of my house yet not realizing it because of the thickness of the haze in my mind? Confusion; that is where I am at. At least I am not depressed. I just need clarity and I will take that over depression any day of the week.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script language="JavaScript" src="http://www.livingwaters.com/add/countdown.js">
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15927654.post-34080094866301811952011-01-29T16:41:00.000-08:002011-01-29T16:53:17.058-08:001-29-11<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVAsiXNlB-TDebcAqtY0iSBp8_IEIOO7nUZmJtJV8UXkiFN8l-DjcUajSZ3qQydDO-fmJfnzxLliSR2uxGFylxzX9omAgESCRYEZarxv5R_ZfLOy14ctwf6cL71fchSg03oUiBjQ/s1600/2011-01-04+14.20.43.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 183px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVAsiXNlB-TDebcAqtY0iSBp8_IEIOO7nUZmJtJV8UXkiFN8l-DjcUajSZ3qQydDO-fmJfnzxLliSR2uxGFylxzX9omAgESCRYEZarxv5R_ZfLOy14ctwf6cL71fchSg03oUiBjQ/s400/2011-01-04+14.20.43.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5567775619200138626" /></a><br />I guess I should write today. I don’t feel bad today, but I do have this distant emotion trying to make its way into the forefront of my mind. I am not always a depressed person, I know that if you are to read my writings only, that it may appear that way, but I am not depressed. I am just really in tune with my feelings and in those times when I am feeling the emotions tug at me, I tend to write. I write because in those somber times of emotional despair, that is when I am actually in the mood to write, the rest of the time, I am ok for the most part. Writing is therapy for me. It is a way for me to connect what I am feeling to what is going on and as I write I am able to cope with the trials that are facing me in that moment in time.<br /><br />Some stuff I deal with on a regular basis, others come and go. Some of the things I deal with are from the past and I need healing from, some of it’s from an uncertain future. But everything that I write about is coming from a perspective if dealing with whatever it is that is bothering me. I don’t have all the answers, and I may never have them, but I am dealing with them and dealing with who I am in the midst of these trials as best as I can. I am doing my best to be real in the midst of my heart aches and emotional pains. At times you may not understand me and I may annoy you or even upset you, I really don’t mean to an ugly person or a mean spirited person, I am just trying to adjust to so many things in my life. And at times I know I get overwhelmed and come off as distant and insensitive and for that I really do apologize.<br /><br />For the longest time I really tried to be what others wanted to me to be, but I got tired of being what others wanted me to be. I felt lost under the surface of my own skin and it overwhelmed me. I felt all these overwhelming expectations of how I was to act or what I was supposed to like or to be like placed upon me and the pressure of walking in everyone elses shoes really overwhelmed me to the point of feeling suicidal.<br /><br />I felt caught, trapped and sucked into a current of despair because I could not be who others wanted me to be. I am not them and I don’t even think the same way as they do. And it isn't fair for anyone to expect me to live as they do. I had to fight and fight myself within just to make sure I did things the way I was supposed to and it made me numb on the inside, I felt dead. And because I tried to live as society wanted me to live, I started to really be afraid of who I was underneath it all. And that person underneath everything is a beautiful person. I like who I am when all the walls come down and I am left here as just me.<br /><br />I don’t understand, couldn’t you all see that I was being smothered? I was suffocating as I felt forced to hold onto something that I was not and something so contrary to my nature. I felt like one of those bull riders, trying to hold on for life while my insides were screaming and bucking, kicking and doing everything it could to get the artificial outer person off its back. And the outer person, the one that everyone else saw, the shell that I was becoming, was holding on so tightly, trying to smother the inner person and to subdue it from fear of what others would say and do, but there just is no way to subdue who you are.<br /><br />And now that I have stopped fighting me and kicked the outer shell off my back, everything that you thought I would be has fallen apart right before your eyes. And as the dust has settled, I am left here in my rawness and vulnerability. I feel everyone’s eyes upon my naked soul and I feel so overwhelmed by it at times. So I stand up as I don’t want to just sit here where everyone can see me openly, and I start to take steps, but each step that I take seems to be just another mistake in your eyes. But what do I do? I can’t be you. And I know that I may fail as me, and fail often, but I know that even though others may look down on me, those same people have others looking down on them to. I can’t be who you want me to be. I don’t want to be that person. I want to be me. <br /><br />I feel alive as me, and its scary because it feels as if everyone is staring at me, laughing, mocking and rolling their eyes at me as I walk by. I feel like such a disappointment to people, but I love who I am. I like that I have finally gotten that shell off my back and don’t have to fight with it anymore. That doesn’t mean my life is easy, on the contrary, I am in new territory and it scares the living hell out of me most of the time, sigh! I have lost many close relationships because those people loved the shell and not the inner person. :( My heart has been devastated from the loss of close relationships that I had. I really valued them and now they are gone. I am dead in their eyes. I am a loss cause to those whom I once valued and cared for. :(<br /><br />I am hoping that as I continue walking and learning how to live as me, that I will meet new friends along the way, because it’s a lonely road filled with constant obstacles and filled with moments of utter despair. But I feel free, scared but free. I will keep walking until I can find someplace where I belong. I long to belong somewhere because right now I feel so despised and awkward and lost. and so I spend a lot of time alone in my thoughts and I get lost in the loneliness that is buried deep inside of me. <br /><br />The truth is that I do want to heal. I want to grow and feel and learn how to love in new ways. I want to be loved, not as I was or how I should be, but as I am. I want people to love me for me because I am me. Is that too much to ask?<br /><br />So yeah, these are my thoughts today!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script language="JavaScript" src="http://www.livingwaters.com/add/countdown.js">
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15927654.post-67406726810974072562011-01-17T16:36:00.000-08:002011-01-17T17:02:10.740-08:001-17-11<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1_hVbI-Zvv9GUVGqVypf6j0wSVLuk_G12tRr7qbVrt_feIyUIpmcu6NpDomBe-FtYYcxGkXf9i3IjhepF_BJwPCllfH1WWoaqvQhXikpzRRS6u0EpO_rzzsikF5JkIfYtGMIJDg/s1600/mememememememe.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 311px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1_hVbI-Zvv9GUVGqVypf6j0wSVLuk_G12tRr7qbVrt_feIyUIpmcu6NpDomBe-FtYYcxGkXf9i3IjhepF_BJwPCllfH1WWoaqvQhXikpzRRS6u0EpO_rzzsikF5JkIfYtGMIJDg/s400/mememememememe.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5563321033563021426" /></a><br />I have been feeling off lately. Semi-depressed, but not fully depressed. I cant quite figure out why. All I know is that I have to face these emotions all the time and probably will have to for the rest of my life. At one point in my life, I thought I had all the answers, I was confident, secure and now I am so unfamiliar with those attributes as they flee in the opposite direction of where I am.<br /><br />Maybe one day it will be okay again. That's all I want. I don't care what it takes. I just want to be okay again. I have this constant tug-o-war on my insides and I feel like one part of me is fighting another part of me to the point of utter exhaustion. It feels like two people are living inside of me, and they are both one in the same yet very different from each other. They fight against each other instead of lifting each other up and supporting each other. I hate this battle for I fear that one day one part will win and the other will lose, and if that happens, then a part of me will die on the inside. ~Deep breath~ <br /><br />I feel somber, sad in the depths of my soul, not hopeless, and its not that I am unhappy, I just have this weight inside of me. I know I say it alot, but its so true: <span style="font-style:italic;">It is really difficult being me.<span style="font-style:italic;"><blockquote></blockquote></span></span> I have a really hard time breathing at times as I feel the war within me choking the life out of me. :( I am overwhelmed in my spirit. This pain inside me just tears me apart at the seams. The more it hurts the harder I cry and the rougher this inward battle gets. I have no refuge from the things within. I can't run from me. I want to cry.<br /><br />My heart is broken into pieces from this inward battle and all that does is wound both sides of me. It creates tormented confusion and causes me to spin in every direction. Gawd!!!! I hate feeling this way. Will someone please make the bad man stop!!!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script language="JavaScript" src="http://www.livingwaters.com/add/countdown.js">
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15927654.post-63322832752808961712011-01-13T07:50:00.000-08:002011-01-13T07:55:30.357-08:001/13/11<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3fcykGLZPaGr2BKHeMmQ0wrp0U02Xwx92a33hRElVzY47iFPwRlu9oGLQ3BWL9ek60kYxApkK4lbczEWoGEfjeZwwsisSR-6feAW2fOsDtVHg8gP8xZpvQYdRFxM5WfqoLFnZeg/s1600/2011-01-04+14.14.59.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3fcykGLZPaGr2BKHeMmQ0wrp0U02Xwx92a33hRElVzY47iFPwRlu9oGLQ3BWL9ek60kYxApkK4lbczEWoGEfjeZwwsisSR-6feAW2fOsDtVHg8gP8xZpvQYdRFxM5WfqoLFnZeg/s400/2011-01-04+14.14.59.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5561699268722453090" /></a><br />I am still feeling down today. I hate that my emotions have so much control over me. It really is hard being me and to carry the burdens that I have to carry and face alone. I would wish what I go through on no one, not even my worst enemy. <br /><br />I feel trapped in my body and I feel like such a freak. I hate that I have so many demons. they never cease to haunt me.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script language="JavaScript" src="http://www.livingwaters.com/add/countdown.js">
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15927654.post-25978228997993721572011-01-11T11:22:00.000-08:002011-01-11T11:24:11.158-08:001-11-11I have a heavy heart today<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script language="JavaScript" src="http://www.livingwaters.com/add/countdown.js">
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15927654.post-80247296393204036212011-01-03T07:51:00.001-08:002011-01-03T08:00:07.142-08:001-3-11<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj51tfbixPKL7qjkzkZt4tXqJ4iEt3DsMKz1QIzgWVIuyLGZC0D_3pAmq5ykBxx9cKsVVk9Bsu0FrYnh_O2C8mXmb_fx8uLFElTm7onuWdapdvpcq2CjeSqt27i1bBygecR4AOezw/s1600/2010-12-07+13.22.08.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj51tfbixPKL7qjkzkZt4tXqJ4iEt3DsMKz1QIzgWVIuyLGZC0D_3pAmq5ykBxx9cKsVVk9Bsu0FrYnh_O2C8mXmb_fx8uLFElTm7onuWdapdvpcq2CjeSqt27i1bBygecR4AOezw/s400/2010-12-07+13.22.08.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5557988561705419650" /></a><br />I hate certain memories, the ones where you not only have the image ingrained in your head, but the kind where you remember the smells, the feelings, and the ones that still make you cry, even years later. <br /><br />One memory I have is where I begin to sob while the enemy sleeps downstairs with the TV on. The static from the TV slowly drowns out between my whimpers and the music playing on my stereo. I realize that no matter what I do, I will never be good enough for you and nothing will ever change that. I am broken. How could you? My self-destruction is YOUR fault and there is nothing you or anyone for that matter can do to stop me from falling apart. Please tell me why you did the things that you did to me? Why did you betray me? Why did you betray my trust in you? You tell me that you love me as you defile my body, is that love? How could you love me if you purposely hurt me? And how is it that you could hate me when all I ever wanted in my life was to be like you. I was deceived. I was naive and you preyed upon my innocence like a predator. :(<br /><br />So I find myself cowering in a corner in the dark with the music on, as my heart is pounding relentlessly wishing I were anywhere else but here in this place. You seem to take all of your anger and perversion out on me and it breaks me. I honestly would rather rot alone than spend another minute with you, you hurt me and I hate you for it.<br /><br />I don’t know why you did the things you did as you took things to the extremes and poured out your evil upon me. But now years later, I still suffer from all the horrors that you inflicted upon me, with no healing in sight. I can still smell you, even to this day. I can still hear your breath in my ears causing nauseating shivers to run down my spine. I still feel your hands on me and can feel your bites on my body, it makes me cringe. It makes me paranoid as I constantly look over my shoulders because I fear I will see you standing there. I hate you.<br /><br />You just stood there gazing upon me in silence while you made me pose for you. And if I were too loud, you simply raised your finger to your mouth. You then would lay me down and put a pillow over my face to keep me quiet until you were finished using me. Uggggggggg!!!! <br /><br />You shattered my life like a rock shatters glass when it hits it full force. I wanted to run from you but your threats scared me into submission. So I simply laid there with smeared makeup on, forced to listen to you fall asleep while your arms held me in place. Every time you touch me I want to scream, STOP, DON”T TOUCH ME! GET OFF ME!!!! But instead I cower like a wounded animal that is afraid to move. I am nothing. I am less than nothing. <br /><br />You tell me how beautiful I am you tell me how good I look in the outfits you picked out just for me which only makes me feel uglier. I feel like a monster, like a freak no one could ever love. And even now I can’t get over the pain that you inflicted upon me. I hate you. I can’t sleep at times because I find you there in my nightmares waiting for me. And when I awake, I am so freaked out because of you that I can’t function, so I inwardly begin to numb myself and let my heart die to ease the torments. Will this ever end? Will I ever heal? Will you ever be out of my life permanently? Or am I going to be forced to live out the rest of my life with you haunting me? I hate you.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script language="JavaScript" src="http://www.livingwaters.com/add/countdown.js">
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15927654.post-8462648707582572412010-12-28T12:56:00.001-08:002010-12-28T20:16:18.676-08:0012-28-10<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqa1lKd3jgQjiDmTbB7fe787PkgFx5XZ6t3G3JO8FpQxiNbcogQx8P5nWbceB6GpvtALjGhxb8LQgArVk5XA5z9blyGmKE6aChZcoheKGDaXq8Q8d9BFO5I_yK8t-CP3WIdvav_g/s1600/sad-little-fairy-fantasy-Miscellaneous-woman-Cuddly-dark-Art-3D-Good-Morning-%25D0%2590%25D0%259D%25D0%2593%25D0%2595%25D0%259B%25D0%2598-butterfly_large.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqa1lKd3jgQjiDmTbB7fe787PkgFx5XZ6t3G3JO8FpQxiNbcogQx8P5nWbceB6GpvtALjGhxb8LQgArVk5XA5z9blyGmKE6aChZcoheKGDaXq8Q8d9BFO5I_yK8t-CP3WIdvav_g/s400/sad-little-fairy-fantasy-Miscellaneous-woman-Cuddly-dark-Art-3D-Good-Morning-%25D0%2590%25D0%259D%25D0%2593%25D0%2595%25D0%259B%25D0%2598-butterfly_large.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5555953228249863298" /></a><br />So once again I find myself sitting here as I ponder life. So many things have changed yet at the same time, nothing has changed at all. I know everything about me has changed in the last couple of years. I'm definitely not the same person at all. I believe my core being is the same, as well as my humor, drive, passion, integrity, etc. Yet I'm not the same person.<br /><br />Maybe I'm just trying to align my outer person with my inner person, I don't know. I do know that there is a certain element of disappointment when you see yourself one way and yet most see you as totally different. And that makes things so difficult because once they think you are a certain way, you are then put into a box that fits what those people should be and look like. There are then standards placed upon you that these types of people naturally fulfill yet you find so much difficulty reaching these standards. And when you are living in that box, at least in my experience, I find that the box suffocates you, as you feel uncomfortable and depressed because you simply can't be like those next to you. But you try and try only to be met by failure time and time again. And you start to despise those who are in that box with you because you are not like them. You don't even process things as they do, because you think differently. Everyone just thinks you are like them, and in their eyes, cased closed!<br /><br />And once you finally figure things out and you know that you don't fit that particular mold, you just cannot tolerate being grouped with those people, not that they are bad people, but you are nothing like them at all.<br /><br />That has been my dilemma and that is why I find myself sitting here a different person than I used to be. The reality is that I'm really not all that different, I really haven't changed at all, all that has happened is that I climbed out of that box that others put me into.<br /><br />And I find that because I have gotten out of that box, people now look at me and are so uncomfortable because I no longer fit the mold that they perceived me to be. And now they scratch their heads, not only in bewilderment but also in fear. I am now looked upon as someone who deceived everyone when in fact I never put myself in that box, they did.<br /><br />All I did was try to survive as I was placed into something that overwhelmed me. I tried to fit in, I really tried but I'm not those people nor can I be them.<br /><br />I am not a deceiver either. I'm just a person who can no longer live life trying to meet these unreachable and burdensome standards that come naturally for those in that box. If anything, my brutal honesty and openness ought to show you how real I am, and how I'm not deceiving anyone, I'm just being real and vulnerable.<br /><br />As if getting out of one box is bad enough for those who feel I should be in a particular box, when I point to the box that actually fits who I am, they freak out and don't get it. They still see me as those "other people in that box I was in" and they cannot get their image of who I should be out of their heads. <br /><br />And maybe I am partially to blame for that, for not speaking up earlier in life. But in all fairness, I was drowning in the box I was placed in and I was simply trying to survive. I was not strong enough to climb out as I was simply trying to stay afloat.<br /><br />I did not have it all figured out either. Only now do I know what I am not. I'm still unsure of who I am and who I will become, but I do know the direction. That is all I know. I know the former box is behind me and I'm walking in the direction of the boxes that actually match me.<br /><br />I want to apologize though. I'm sorry if all this makes you uncomfortable, trust me, take the awkwardness you feel and times it by a thousand then you will have a small taste of what I feel daily. So I apologize, not for who I am; or who I will become, I'm sorry that the process is uncomfortable for you. I know what that feels like, *big sigh* :(<br /><br />So yeah, those are my thoughts for today.<br /><br />Me<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script language="JavaScript" src="http://www.livingwaters.com/add/countdown.js">
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15927654.post-44853789766661562722010-12-27T19:00:00.000-08:002010-12-27T19:22:01.920-08:0012/27/10<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQ_WJkvHq1_Mnyv2n0-9zZoJ6KCpwrb6ULCUOyzokPy3LImuyNU7MPuhwm6vsaaKw5lFtsJNrluUF-0eUwRo-w5a3CsTbk83fTjXCnOhKwQ0PCli83mEywsKEUXfoeMW0mJbXkEw/s1600/Sad_woman_in_dark_by_enpichan.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 299px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQ_WJkvHq1_Mnyv2n0-9zZoJ6KCpwrb6ULCUOyzokPy3LImuyNU7MPuhwm6vsaaKw5lFtsJNrluUF-0eUwRo-w5a3CsTbk83fTjXCnOhKwQ0PCli83mEywsKEUXfoeMW0mJbXkEw/s400/Sad_woman_in_dark_by_enpichan.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5555564040583815730" /></a><br />It's quiet in my house, I am not used to it. It makes things eerie to me. I don't like the quietness, I mean I do, its a nice break from all the hectic-ness that I experience on a daily basis, but I am really not used to this quietness and I do not know how to handle it. It makes me feel weird.<br /><br />Today was uneventful but it feels as if there is a calm before the storm and it has me feeling uneasy and unsure of things. I hate feeling those feelings that you can't really figure out, "Sigh"! <br /><br />My mom is amazing. I never thought I would be able to say that, yet I can say that with all integrity. She loves me and supports me. She really is an awesome person and I am grateful that I have the kind of relationship that I do have with her. It's just nice not having to put up any sort of front with her. I can just be me and she loves me as I am, not as I should be, "who decides that anyways?" People have all these expectations of who others should or should not be, but my mom, she just loves me as I am, no matter what that looks like. It's nice! :)<br /><br />The kids are away for a week. I still find it so interesting to look at how fast my relationship with their grandparents has deteriorated. For the longest time I considered them my parents. I really respected and cherished them. I just never realized how much things would change. I thought the bonds we had were bonds that would last a life time, how I was wrong. Everything is so superficial these days. and they never had the bonds with me that I thought they had. When they do have the courage to come over to get the kids, they seriously rush so fast to get out of my presence, its sorta humorous, yet its really heart breaking. :( They are so uncomfortable around me. I wont bite, "deep breath" I am just sad I guess.<br /><br />At least my mom loves me. She is one of the few people in my life that hasn't turned against me. I love my mom.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script language="JavaScript" src="http://www.livingwaters.com/add/countdown.js">
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15927654.post-88573492859394950942010-12-13T09:13:00.000-08:002010-12-13T09:24:44.238-08:0012-13-10<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi92vbr8tIB1QAnztsv8wqHMHN3UXYKf2EEbT33j5u-LsPunYdDX9jqUxwNFdKTELSHnOX_wHlMKhIrhLSQnGEMKC6gLyewPwlyaZYgQsM7Fr0SZSPPY26J2Raa-WV8yj59FxLgNg/s1600/purple-heart-wallpapers_4908_1024x768.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi92vbr8tIB1QAnztsv8wqHMHN3UXYKf2EEbT33j5u-LsPunYdDX9jqUxwNFdKTELSHnOX_wHlMKhIrhLSQnGEMKC6gLyewPwlyaZYgQsM7Fr0SZSPPY26J2Raa-WV8yj59FxLgNg/s400/purple-heart-wallpapers_4908_1024x768.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5550219055240711570" /></a><br />Well, I have been sick for a week but I am finally over it. I mean, I am feeling about 90% right now which is better than it has been in a while. I once again approach this blog unsure of what I want to write. I guess I have sorta been in a daze. Stupid cold! I can't believe a cold knocked me around as much as this one did. Crazy. I don't normally get sick and this was brutal, lol, oh well, that is the way it goes in this world.<br /><br />Anyways, I am happy. I feel so blessed to have the people I have in my life. It has been a long road to get to the place where I am at now, but it was worth it. I really feel like I am in a good place in my life, finally. The kids are doing well, Sarah is amazing and I am just so blessed to have these moments in time where I can share my life with those people who love me for who I am. It feels good to be loved just because I am loved, and for no other reason.<br /><br />I am happy.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script language="JavaScript" src="http://www.livingwaters.com/add/countdown.js">
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15927654.post-39512080368161570942010-12-10T08:01:00.000-08:002010-12-10T08:04:59.802-08:0012-10-10I have been sick for the last 3 or 4 days. I just want to feel better. I mean, I do feel better today, but I am nowhere near 100%. I want to sleep, but work calls me. I am thankful for my job, I love being self employed, but it has its price. I don't get paid for sick days or holidays, but that's okay. I just want to feel 100%. Hopefully I am on the mend. :)<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script language="JavaScript" src="http://www.livingwaters.com/add/countdown.js">
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15927654.post-20233937292089768152010-12-02T07:49:00.000-08:002010-12-02T07:51:26.376-08:0012/2/10I feel out of it today, my emotions are all over the place and it simply exhausts me. Things are not bad, on the contrary, things are good. I am just totally and completely wiped out.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script language="JavaScript" src="http://www.livingwaters.com/add/countdown.js">
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15927654.post-62100989503231522292010-11-28T18:25:00.000-08:002010-11-28T18:31:46.238-08:00Lost Love<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnFduYTASaFrfP8OYifnoXWiLxedjRXdGluwF3wfOgwf2-c46lWgaazCZ_aQkrXjsq4sQPaAM61NUotWvtOroS_PLEFwRL3Em5R35i_jyOH43HI2IGnA5pXbH1U8A9qVcb27_D6g/s1600/broken_heart_emo-1500.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 369px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnFduYTASaFrfP8OYifnoXWiLxedjRXdGluwF3wfOgwf2-c46lWgaazCZ_aQkrXjsq4sQPaAM61NUotWvtOroS_PLEFwRL3Em5R35i_jyOH43HI2IGnA5pXbH1U8A9qVcb27_D6g/s400/broken_heart_emo-1500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5544792842704702210" /></a><br />My new song, I just wrote it today 11-28-10:<br /><br />Lost Love<br /><br />Hey Baby; you have left me here all alone<br /><br />You have hurt me, I’m wounded, yet I miss you more than you will know.<br /><br />Desertion, I thought wouldn’t happen to me, oh no.<br /><br />I’m left here weeping, alone in my distress, picking up pieces of debris that has been left.<br /><br />And I regret, all of those times that we fought and didn’t get along.<br />Now I know what it’s like, to be wounded and left for dead.<br />Oh how I love you, more than life, I sit crying alone day and night.<br />Lost in thought, pour out my soul, I miss you more; miss you more than you know....<br /> <br /><br />I make believe, you are here dancing as you hold me, in your arms.<br /><br />Lift my hands slowly; dreams of you holding me, moving to the sound our <br />hearts create.<br /><br />Tears fall slowly, as I melt in this place, my dreams.<br /><br />I’m weak in passion, as my knees start to shake, my eyes then open, to an empty room, empty embrace.<br /><br />Oh I regret, all of those times that we fought and didn’t get along<br />Now I know what it’s like, to be wounded and left for dead<br />Oh how I love you, more than life, I sit crying alone day and night<br />Lost in thought, pour out my soul, I miss you more; miss you more than you know...<br /><br /><br />2nd Chorus<br /><br />Oh I regret, all of those times that we fought and didn’t get along<br />Now I know what it’s like, to be wounded and left for dead<br />Oh how I loved you, more than life, I’m done crying alone day and night<br />For I’ve move on with my life, I’ve picked up the pieces, one piece at a time!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script language="JavaScript" src="http://www.livingwaters.com/add/countdown.js">
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15927654.post-58270355673700761742010-11-27T17:09:00.000-08:002010-11-27T17:22:10.756-08:0011-27-10<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpqhRa5dhNk7sAeRhRXUh3JizaUzg-Vfd8AWvX3gefPL8JbgDT4Z3h1MIlLx3c3vISZP6ndYBGkVYP0UGcSquTX6pNWoMXH9dyQ4h9rCTQvLHQH6ar9Fw9pPhoA1ve-KTrqgAeBQ/s1600/asdhakdfghakgh.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 294px; height: 248px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpqhRa5dhNk7sAeRhRXUh3JizaUzg-Vfd8AWvX3gefPL8JbgDT4Z3h1MIlLx3c3vISZP6ndYBGkVYP0UGcSquTX6pNWoMXH9dyQ4h9rCTQvLHQH6ar9Fw9pPhoA1ve-KTrqgAeBQ/s320/asdhakdfghakgh.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5544404270222007650" /></a> <br />I am really feeling like a total scatter brain today. Let's see, I set up the Christmas tree today, that was actually a HUGE accomplishment as I just feel so tired and lethargic. I miss my sanity, she is in Cali and comes back tomorrow, yaaaay. Until then, I am going to be going crazy. <br /><br />The kids were really excited today with the fact that I got the tree all set up and the decorations out, plus I have done a few loads of laundry, and all that entails with having three kids.<br /><br />I am tired, I am kinda bored and yet I don't want to really do anything. Weird! <br /><br />I woke up this morning to the news reporting that there was a car bomber who tried to blow up pioneer square last night at the tree lighting event. My mouth dropped to the floor. That is just a little too close to home for me to write it off. Talk about scary. My Sarah works in that area and she is at pioneer square every day. that is where she catches the MAX. I would simply die if something happened to her or my kids. I would not be able to think straight and would not be in a good place emotionally. Thank God they caught the animal.<br /><br />I hate that people want to kill other people for no good reason. It makes me sad.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script language="JavaScript" src="http://www.livingwaters.com/add/countdown.js">
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15927654.post-67638580904703647062010-11-26T19:23:00.000-08:002010-11-26T19:59:51.056-08:0011-26-10<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjNAOsMEgdGiq7E9nsnFblD7PYAla67fRkXOUvn-cwOkp8lAnA-rcNxTB61b5Udc-HT7-UEof7809x3PVnR3dMdmutf2xTCN6g14jg0gFPuC33F0e8h8HUzXNeK0MJVGgAMhGVpQ/s1600/619.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 281px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjNAOsMEgdGiq7E9nsnFblD7PYAla67fRkXOUvn-cwOkp8lAnA-rcNxTB61b5Udc-HT7-UEof7809x3PVnR3dMdmutf2xTCN6g14jg0gFPuC33F0e8h8HUzXNeK0MJVGgAMhGVpQ/s320/619.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5544066112237954434" /></a><br />Sometimes alcohol is my friend. I don't drink much and I don't plan to either, but there are times when I love to just drink and not think about all the crap that goes through my head.<br /><br />I miss my girl. She is an amazing person and I can't wait until she returns. I miss her like crazy as she really has this amazing ability to keep me sane. I mean, when I am with her, I don't have the struggles in my head like I do when she is not physically in front of me. I don't know how she does it, because it's not like she does anything at all, but being in her presence puts my soul at ease. I miss her. <br /><br />The truth is that I am a tormented soul. I have burdens in my heart that I just can't seem to get rid of and I do what I can to cope with it, but I am tormented. My heart is all over the place and I have no idea which way is up anymore. I just want to live in a place where I can be free to be me and not feel like everyone thinks I am some sort of freak. Funny, I used to joke all the time that I was a freak, because I always felt like one, but now I don't feel so much like a freak and others think I am. It is so interesting to me to watch the tables turn right before my eyes, *insert deep breath here*, so yeah, things are interesting.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script language="JavaScript" src="http://www.livingwaters.com/add/countdown.js">
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15927654.post-73725088993350443632010-11-21T12:13:00.001-08:002010-11-21T12:18:41.011-08:00journal 11/21/10<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFItZiqBeeUDtPOGnCk5lG8febCe3QYbPfZs7Eiu6ZRPyrCpuHyT7PFwiybHBQH3Zkihl6J3HYjrDfETMc1eSAM8FNk7XNZELua00ndmt7Z-Blc9GDCv07fgX1dkKMD4xkb7IOPQ/s1600/SharkGirly1024x768.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFItZiqBeeUDtPOGnCk5lG8febCe3QYbPfZs7Eiu6ZRPyrCpuHyT7PFwiybHBQH3Zkihl6J3HYjrDfETMc1eSAM8FNk7XNZELua00ndmt7Z-Blc9GDCv07fgX1dkKMD4xkb7IOPQ/s320/SharkGirly1024x768.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5542099867534953394" /></a><br />I am sore today. Sarah and I were raking leaves yesterday and doing yard work, and now I pay the price, OWWWW! I also transplanted about 5 pine trees that had sprouted in my yard over the last couple of years. I think they will lool pretty nice where I placed them, well, as long as they live and all. <br /><br />It might snow tonight, I am so happy....yaaaay! I love snow, but hopefully this year wont be as bad as it was a few years ago when the city shut down for almost a week, that was lame-o!<br /><br />Today is a good day. :)<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script language="JavaScript" src="http://www.livingwaters.com/add/countdown.js">
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15927654.post-31829067234225356662010-11-17T17:42:00.000-08:002010-11-18T07:33:25.678-08:00Journal 11/17/10<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxkD2qHEsGvdyDwjvrRuMj9bA_9XMN0AtXy_lHgMtJ9-f0wKfju94-OBHz_Gp7ktatHdAOE0GSrvaSy4NwFu6jgdUdq2ziped46LlShV6oHUjAeEor8H75hJQvsUmpV0QNOU_8jg/s1600/l_5d87e4c5986a3aee71f6d2ef59d9a2cd.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 227px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxkD2qHEsGvdyDwjvrRuMj9bA_9XMN0AtXy_lHgMtJ9-f0wKfju94-OBHz_Gp7ktatHdAOE0GSrvaSy4NwFu6jgdUdq2ziped46LlShV6oHUjAeEor8H75hJQvsUmpV0QNOU_8jg/s320/l_5d87e4c5986a3aee71f6d2ef59d9a2cd.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5540717411296400690" /></a><br />Brutal! That has been my life over the last few weeks. I have felt so overwhelmed and it has taken it's toll on me. So much so that I shaved my head just to prove a point to the world that I am still me. I don't know what it is or why I feel like I have to always defend who I am or who I am not. I am overwhelmed.<br /><br />So yeah, I shaved my head for a few reasons. For starters, I know that when people in the Bible would grieve often times they would shave their head as a symbol of their grieve. And I am grieving. Yesterday was the 36th anniversary of my dad's death. He was 24 years old when a 14 year old kid shot him. My dad was taken to the hospital and died a few weeks later while he was in intensive care, or at least that is what I am told....if I have my story correct.<br /><br />I am not grieving the death of my dad in the traditional sense because I did not know him nor was I close to him. On the contrary, I was only 8 months old when he was murdered. But, I grieve the life I may have had if he had lived. Maybe I would not have had all the abuse I had as a kid. Maybe I would have had more, I don't know, but I am pretty sure I would not have been sexually assaulted over and over again as a child had my dad been alive. My mom would not have been on drugs when I was growing up, at least not to the extent that she was. Well, I don't know if she would or not, but there is a chance that I would not have the demons that still chase me in my nightmares because my dad was killed. Maybe he would have stopped the molestation I went through, maybe he would not have known, I don't know, but I am grieving and I am upset. Mostly, I am just overwhelmed. So yeah, I shaved my head.<br /><br />But I also shaved to prove to people that I am still me. There is more to me than just one little element. I am not identified as one thing only. I am so much more than just one thing. My identity is not in my hair or in any other one thing. I have more depth than that and so I shaved my head. I loved my hair but I shaved it to prove a point. But then I cried after I shaved it. Because my hair is a big part of my identity, so it hurt to let it go, but its not my only identity so I know I can move on and wait for it to grow back. So its really painful for me on an emotional level to have a shaved head at this point in my life, I just wanted to prove that though my hair is a HUGE part of me, its not the only thing that defines me as a person. Though I look different without hair, I am still recognizable by the other features that my body has. <br /><br />Yeah,I look different now. And if you saw me last week with my longer red and black hair then saw me now, you would know there were some changes that I have made to my appearance, but I would be recognizable. Though I may look different and though you may like or hate how I look with or without hair, I am still the same person. And changing the outer appearances by shaving my head does not change the inner person.<br /><br />So yeah, there you have it, *big sigh*, I did this to prove a point. I am still me, no matter what I look like. I am still me. I have the same feelings, I love the same way I always have. I am still me. Why is that so hard for people to see? Is the external person more important that the inner person? Is that what we are to teach our children? I just don't get it. I think the inner person is far more important than the outer and if someone wants to look their best in a way that works for them, why is that such a big deal? Anyways, so yeah, those are my thoughts for the day.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script language="JavaScript" src="http://www.livingwaters.com/add/countdown.js">
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15927654.post-79678465185549706862010-11-16T11:13:00.000-08:002010-11-16T11:14:12.643-08:00Journal 11/16/10I'm so sad right now.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script language="JavaScript" src="http://www.livingwaters.com/add/countdown.js">
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15927654.post-12866499320094785712010-11-16T06:57:00.000-08:002010-11-16T07:42:04.300-08:00Journal 11-16-10<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1pdO8_nHmLtNpyj3fcRKaUyUVJ8X6s6Bm1xbD16nb3TqFGm3czCfkXA0WlWCasuGHpzio2sopP9d1XQq_UcQqOYlz0piSRsL0MC-Ypb2Dm5_09NeQQJSQMJ468azrrY_dM_kbkQ/s1600/sad_eyes_dark_art_poster-p228982074558494377tdcp_400.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1pdO8_nHmLtNpyj3fcRKaUyUVJ8X6s6Bm1xbD16nb3TqFGm3czCfkXA0WlWCasuGHpzio2sopP9d1XQq_UcQqOYlz0piSRsL0MC-Ypb2Dm5_09NeQQJSQMJ468azrrY_dM_kbkQ/s320/sad_eyes_dark_art_poster-p228982074558494377tdcp_400.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5540173310145454882" /></a><br />I'm having a hard time this morning. Sometimes it really is hard dealing with the feelings that people have about me. I mean, most of the time after the initial shock of how people react when they spew their venom at me, most of the time I can deal with it and move on. But there are times when i find it more difficult and it saddens my heart. I will get over these feelings, life is just to short to dwell on them for too long and I really don't want to get into that depression thing I had a few years ago or so when I wanted to die. so dwelling on negative feelings for too long is not an option for me.<br /><br />I don't know what I mean or what I want to say. I really just wish I didn't have to carry the burdens that I carry. I don't think it's fun, on the contrary, I freak out most of the time and haven't learned how to adjust to my feelings when they flood me like they tend to do. Its not like it used to be, I really do feel like I have a handle on things, I guess I just want to express that its hard to be me. That is what it comes down to. It's very hard to walk in this life as me. That's the bottom line. My road in life will be a hard one.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script language="JavaScript" src="http://www.livingwaters.com/add/countdown.js">
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15927654.post-50642904737236983162010-11-09T11:45:00.000-08:002010-11-10T09:11:41.634-08:00Journal 11/9/10<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2un1BVK3aMlaP0Zq1vA_ndWe7KldcBhnMy6HzM76-YP3al-O1aUVUL1NR7QcDl7KezgVliHdm3zsnabOycazgO1M76GVCNsTb-AicZki7UjgU7P6L38aujGAgrXLgqM5hk7X1rA/s1600/emo_depressed-13047.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 92px; height: 118px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2un1BVK3aMlaP0Zq1vA_ndWe7KldcBhnMy6HzM76-YP3al-O1aUVUL1NR7QcDl7KezgVliHdm3zsnabOycazgO1M76GVCNsTb-AicZki7UjgU7P6L38aujGAgrXLgqM5hk7X1rA/s320/emo_depressed-13047.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5537969877661973458" /></a><br />I'm overwhelmed today. Sometimes its so difficult being me....I have so much turmoil internally and even more externally as well because of how people view me. Sometimes the persecution and prejudice I experience for just being who I am is so heart breaking. Sometimes I wish I had the words to articulate the things I feel and experience on a day to day basis. Its pretty brutal and makes me cry more than I ever wished I did. But that is the daily price I get to pay. :(<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script language="JavaScript" src="http://www.livingwaters.com/add/countdown.js">
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15927654.post-54031807905696136822010-11-01T21:40:00.000-07:002010-11-02T07:08:14.015-07:00Journal 11/1/10<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfZMovl7GhlB7bxGOjtYvYq_pmzAVxEI_RgZv9_P2LlJZPBO70gVT0YWx_kKk7Ks9vM0UkaO_-HuRRXEDEBuLwbqyCPNi_hUfDTuJlW3oX28qSyBey4HcAd3Db6MTCwGCKOl259w/s1600/cefc78f5c9e6260d999865c17b231af7_20090923194737_510.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfZMovl7GhlB7bxGOjtYvYq_pmzAVxEI_RgZv9_P2LlJZPBO70gVT0YWx_kKk7Ks9vM0UkaO_-HuRRXEDEBuLwbqyCPNi_hUfDTuJlW3oX28qSyBey4HcAd3Db6MTCwGCKOl259w/s320/cefc78f5c9e6260d999865c17b231af7_20090923194737_510.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5534808279630711602" /></a><br />Where can I take this pain that torments me? No matter where I go it never leaves my side. If you were to tear me open, you would see the pain and suffering that lives deep within the depths of my being. I am tormented. So I run and run. I mean, isn’t that what you are supposed to do? That is what I did for years and years. Because I found it to be easier to run away from the pain that was within me than to face it head on. It was easier to numb the pain than deal with it. It's so much easier to go away than face all this pain here all alone. And I was slowly dying. I was killing the very parts of me that I wanted to preserve, and I didn’t even know it. I feel as if something has been taken from deep inside of me and has been put on display for the world to dissect. This secret I've kept locked away for so long seems to find its way into the hands of those who hate me. I am talking about wounds so deep, that they never show. Yet at the same time, they never go away. It has been my lot for most of my life. And If I could change and take back the pain I have experienced over the years I would. I would seriously retrace every wrong move that I have ever made and change it. But I can’t. And if I could take all of my shame to the grave I would do that in an instant. I hate that other people who know what I have been through, I hate that they try to use that against me at times as if it were my fault that I was a victim as a child. I am hurt. I wasn’t the one who hurt people, I was the one who was hurt. <br /><br />Sometimes as I remember the darkness of my past and all that I endured, as I start reminiscing on the old memories that I really wish I had never experienced, I sit there sobbing and wishing I never felt the things I felt or experienced the things I experienced. And instead of letting go, I would try to bury it deep inside and feed the pain that was already living inside of me. I never wanted to move forward with being who I am because I was so terrified of my past haunting, that in some weird way; I felt that if I didn’t move forward then I would not be able to create a past and without a past I will never hurt again. I would never have a past to haunt me. I would never have to look back again and sob in horror.<br /><br />So I tried washing away who I was. I started washing away who I felt I was inside, which made me feel misplaced, because I had to pretend to be someone I wasn’t. I felt helpless, scared and defeated all the time. It was not a good place to be. And it sucked. It still sucks.<br /><br />I really am trying to figure all this crap out. I thought I had it all dialed in, I thought I had everything worked out. But guess what? I didn’t have it worked out. These demons seem to follow me around like some sort of black cloud that looms over my head. And it has taken its toll on me. I can’t continue living like I have been living, where I just push aside my feelings for the sake of other people who hate me anyways. Screw them. They are not worth my time and I can’t believe that I wasted all these tears that I have shed and all the stress that I have felt on people who are not worthy of that kind of respect. They hurt me, and they could care less about what I feel or what I have gone through and for me to get stressed out over their discomfort of how I am, pfft. I can’t live for them. I won’t. <br /><br />I just can’t live for them, so I have decided that starting today, I am breaking out of the bonds that have held me down for so long and I am going to face these demons that have haunted me because I have had enough. I am tired of this and I am fed up with people telling me how I am to live my life. It’s not their life to live. So starting right now, I will put my life together the way that I want it put together. It is my decision to be me, I am doing this for me because honestly, I like who I am. I am a decent person who has a lot to offer people. I've been put through hell, and I feel like those who I loved, those who I thought loved me, I feel like all they do is lift their middle finger and wave it at me. It hurts. So screw them! I will be me, and they can deal with it. I don’t know how to be anyone else, and I don’t want to be them, so I am left with me. And you know what? That’s okay because I am fun and passionate and have a lot of love and devotion to give to the right people. So if you choose to stay in my life, then GREAT, I would love that, but don’t expect me to live any other way than me simply being me.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script language="JavaScript" src="http://www.livingwaters.com/add/countdown.js">
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15927654.post-46576701349858579122010-10-31T22:31:00.000-07:002010-10-31T22:37:17.828-07:00Journal 10-31-10<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-bW0SbVHK1nGsX1020vtbeXMgf_6rbCbbqYaQ1kj2sUHc0ZBb68F_ZLH8I-QXNb_Fb92jWXXcbpwLnHFSWLeQds4eLcc3MEtme4r764bgLAdd5moiIiAIrwMh-qhacQhEyuDwlA/s1600/depression.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 270px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-bW0SbVHK1nGsX1020vtbeXMgf_6rbCbbqYaQ1kj2sUHc0ZBb68F_ZLH8I-QXNb_Fb92jWXXcbpwLnHFSWLeQds4eLcc3MEtme4r764bgLAdd5moiIiAIrwMh-qhacQhEyuDwlA/s320/depression.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5534450793433015074" /></a><br />Its been an emotional week or two. It sucks when people you care about don't care about you. That is a hard reality to take in and adjust to, but its life. It just sucks feeling rejected. But what do I know?<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script language="JavaScript" src="http://www.livingwaters.com/add/countdown.js">
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15927654.post-5744307844584364662010-10-27T17:02:00.000-07:002010-10-27T17:04:25.784-07:00Journal 10-27-10I feel so anxious today. It sucks.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script language="JavaScript" src="http://www.livingwaters.com/add/countdown.js">
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15927654.post-29254156911032744262010-10-25T12:23:00.000-07:002010-10-25T12:26:12.122-07:00Journal 10/25/10I feel sad today. :(<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script language="JavaScript" src="http://www.livingwaters.com/add/countdown.js">
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com