3-21-11

sigh :(

2-26-11

It’s cold right now. I am sitting here in my living room trying to get the heat to do what it does best, keep me warm, and I am sure that once the heater is on for more than 30 seconds it will warm up my living room. It’s so funny how the littlest things get me thinking. For example: the cold. It got me thinking of how certain relationships I have had that I received so much warmth from, ones I cherished and valued and really sacrificially gave myself to, I am reminded at how easily they turned cold. These relationships brought me so much comfort and I valued them so highly, and now the only time that there is any sign of life is when it’s so heated that it scorches me to my core. It is so difficult to believe that these relationships are no more. They did not make it past the storms in my life.

And it hurts. It hurts for a very long time. Healing doesn’t come overnight, it takes years and years before the wounds stop bleeding and the pain subsides. It is a very long, difficult and lonely road before you heal.

One thing that does help is after you bear your soul to someone and they reject you, after you go through that loss; when you do find the courage to share who you are with someone else and they not only accept you but embrace who you are and love you as you are, it really gives you a glimmer of hope. But it’s so much more than that. When those people in my life, whether friends or family or even acquaintances, simply stepped up to the plate and embraced me, I felt a love that is so much deeper than the love that I lost. And gratitude, appreciation, and a form of love emanates from deep within me which naturally makes my relationships with these people so much closer, deeper and real. A confidence begins to swell up from deep inside, like a seed planted and starting to sprout. Hope.

It feels as if all the tears that I have been shedding over the loss I have experienced, those same tears were watering the seeds of hope that are slowly sprouting. The storm almost took my life and devoured me, seems to be doing something that I am really starting to appreciate and value. I feel stronger.

Yet the pain is still here. The storm is real and it really devastates, but I want to be a person who soars like the eagle. You know the Bald Eagle is a very interesting animal. When the storm comes and I mean a real storm not just some little drizzle. When a powerful hurricane hits land all the birds of the air start to frantically flee. Those little birds fly as fast as they can away from the violent storm and the devastation that the thunderous cyclone brings. But the eagle isn’t moved in the slightest. The Bald Eagle looks at the storm and just begins to mount up. It begins to look the storm right in the eye and it begins to head straight for it. It goes right through the eye of the storm and then it soars out onto the top of the storm. It flies until it is above the trial.

All the other birds are running around below the pounding clouds but the eagle soars above it. It becomes victorious over it. As the little birds fight for their lives in the darkness; the eagle experiences blue skies. It is not scared in the midst of the storm but it moves right into the middle of it. The eagle faces some heavy trials and pressure and it comes out on top of it. And that is what I long to be and what I need because this storm hitting me is the darkest one I have ever been in. I fear that I am more like the little birds fleeing for safety but I want to be a person that endures and victoriously overcomes the storms in my life; how I long to be like the eagle.

And then I look at Beethoven and all that he had to endure! The man was deaf; he could not hear. You know what he said? He said “I will take life by the throat!” He didn’t say “Forget it! That is it I am done. What do you expect me to do now? I am deaf! What kind of music can I make now? My life is OVER! Everything I am is now OVER!” That is not what he said. He said “I am going to take life by the throat!” He then went on to put together some of the greatest symphonies ever known. That is simply amazing to me! He could not hear. How did he do it? He was a man of perseverance! The storm came and he took it on and overcame the fierceness of the fiery trial. Sure the trial hurt him and it altered him but he was able to overcome all the obstacles as he simply persevered.

I am not going to let this thing in my life stop or hinder me. I am not going to let this trial that I am in slow me down altogether. Sure it will knock me off my feet but I am going to get back up and fight. I will overcome or I will die trying! Though all things are against me I am not down for the count.

When we can look at the storms in our lives and look for the eye of the storm and say that is where I am going. I am going to go right through it. It is at that time that I believe that the coal in our lives begin the process of turning into diamonds. Though I can’t see or feel it now I am sure that there are diamonds being formed deep within my wearisome soul. And it is that little glimmer of hope that I will look to as I get battered and bruised in the midst of this storm. So yeah, once again, these are my thoughts for the day.

2-9-11

So it's Wednesday morning and I have some quiet time before I head out the door for work. I have needed to write for a few days, but my head has been so cloudy. Everything inside of me has been a big blur and I haven’t been able to collect my thoughts. So for the most part I have been ignoring it, but you can only do that for so long. So yeah, it’s time to write.

It's funny how easily my emotions can tear me apart. First it breaks my head then my heart starts to suffer and ache. It kinda feels like these emotions are chewing at my bones; causing a silent chill to run through them. They are so persistent and it’s that constant nagging in the background that wears on me. Why can't these feelings leave me alone and just fade away?

So yeah, I sit here in silence as I try to sort out what is in my head. It’s still a big blur. Silence builds a terrible wreckage inside of me at times, it feeds on my loneliness, my isolation and it creates a void buried deep inside the recesses of my soul. Gray shadows haunt and torment and torture me to the point where I feel stricken, despised and destroyed. I don’t like to be alone. Yet at times I do like the quietness. I like being able to reflect and just sip on a warm cup of coffee and just breathe. *Deep Breath, ahhhhh* I just don’t want to feel hopeless anymore. And that is where I think my head is at. I feel hopeless, like a lost cause that makes everyone around me uncomfortable by my presence. And I know that isn’t necessarily true at all times, but I feel like such a burden to people. I feel like a ball of confusion. I feel awkward.

At times there is no sound of laughter or happiness in my heart, at other times my heart is filled with joy and I can't stop laughing. All these conflicting emotions can be felt at the same time. It's overwhelming. And I wouldn’t mind it so much if those feelings of utter despair would not be sitting there in the shadows of my mind waiting for an opportune time to devour me. I feel so guarded, not just from other people but from myself as well. I feel like I have to be prepared for battle at all times as I wait for these feelings of despair to make their next move. And all I want to do is rest, but I am afraid that once I let my guard down and I look the other way, that the feelings of despair will attack me and I will be unable to fight them off. I am weak. I don’t want conflict. I hate fighting, yet this is the best analogy that I can think of when it comes to the internal struggles I face.

Do I throw in the towel today or do I carry on in the circles that I seem to find myself in? These somber, melancholy moods wear me down as they tell me that it’s futile to hope, dream and pray. But I know they are lies. I feel hopeful even in the midst of confusion, but I am tired.

Emptiness wants to builds a home within me. And oh how I run from it like I would run from the black plague. I am confused. I feel like an exile, different and disdained. So yeah, confusion, internal confusion seems to be where my head is at right now. I don’t feel depressed, thank Gawd!!! I just feel like I am walking around in the fog as I try to get my bearings and figure out where I am at. I can see the faint images of things around me but the fog really hinders my view and I can only make out the shapes, but there is no clarity. I have no idea if I am in a place I recognize. Everything is blocked by the fog. I feel confused.

Have things changed? Or are they the same? If I wanted to get home, do I walk the same way, in the same direction or do I turn around and walk the other way? Or am I standing in front of my house yet not realizing it because of the thickness of the haze in my mind? Confusion; that is where I am at. At least I am not depressed. I just need clarity and I will take that over depression any day of the week.

1-29-11

I guess I should write today. I don’t feel bad today, but I do have this distant emotion trying to make its way into the forefront of my mind. I am not always a depressed person, I know that if you are to read my writings only, that it may appear that way, but I am not depressed. I am just really in tune with my feelings and in those times when I am feeling the emotions tug at me, I tend to write. I write because in those somber times of emotional despair, that is when I am actually in the mood to write, the rest of the time, I am ok for the most part. Writing is therapy for me. It is a way for me to connect what I am feeling to what is going on and as I write I am able to cope with the trials that are facing me in that moment in time.

Some stuff I deal with on a regular basis, others come and go. Some of the things I deal with are from the past and I need healing from, some of it’s from an uncertain future. But everything that I write about is coming from a perspective if dealing with whatever it is that is bothering me. I don’t have all the answers, and I may never have them, but I am dealing with them and dealing with who I am in the midst of these trials as best as I can. I am doing my best to be real in the midst of my heart aches and emotional pains. At times you may not understand me and I may annoy you or even upset you, I really don’t mean to an ugly person or a mean spirited person, I am just trying to adjust to so many things in my life. And at times I know I get overwhelmed and come off as distant and insensitive and for that I really do apologize.

For the longest time I really tried to be what others wanted to me to be, but I got tired of being what others wanted me to be. I felt lost under the surface of my own skin and it overwhelmed me. I felt all these overwhelming expectations of how I was to act or what I was supposed to like or to be like placed upon me and the pressure of walking in everyone elses shoes really overwhelmed me to the point of feeling suicidal.

I felt caught, trapped and sucked into a current of despair because I could not be who others wanted me to be. I am not them and I don’t even think the same way as they do. And it isn't fair for anyone to expect me to live as they do. I had to fight and fight myself within just to make sure I did things the way I was supposed to and it made me numb on the inside, I felt dead. And because I tried to live as society wanted me to live, I started to really be afraid of who I was underneath it all. And that person underneath everything is a beautiful person. I like who I am when all the walls come down and I am left here as just me.

I don’t understand, couldn’t you all see that I was being smothered? I was suffocating as I felt forced to hold onto something that I was not and something so contrary to my nature. I felt like one of those bull riders, trying to hold on for life while my insides were screaming and bucking, kicking and doing everything it could to get the artificial outer person off its back. And the outer person, the one that everyone else saw, the shell that I was becoming, was holding on so tightly, trying to smother the inner person and to subdue it from fear of what others would say and do, but there just is no way to subdue who you are.

And now that I have stopped fighting me and kicked the outer shell off my back, everything that you thought I would be has fallen apart right before your eyes. And as the dust has settled, I am left here in my rawness and vulnerability. I feel everyone’s eyes upon my naked soul and I feel so overwhelmed by it at times. So I stand up as I don’t want to just sit here where everyone can see me openly, and I start to take steps, but each step that I take seems to be just another mistake in your eyes. But what do I do? I can’t be you. And I know that I may fail as me, and fail often, but I know that even though others may look down on me, those same people have others looking down on them to. I can’t be who you want me to be. I don’t want to be that person. I want to be me.

I feel alive as me, and its scary because it feels as if everyone is staring at me, laughing, mocking and rolling their eyes at me as I walk by. I feel like such a disappointment to people, but I love who I am. I like that I have finally gotten that shell off my back and don’t have to fight with it anymore. That doesn’t mean my life is easy, on the contrary, I am in new territory and it scares the living hell out of me most of the time, sigh! I have lost many close relationships because those people loved the shell and not the inner person. :( My heart has been devastated from the loss of close relationships that I had. I really valued them and now they are gone. I am dead in their eyes. I am a loss cause to those whom I once valued and cared for. :(

I am hoping that as I continue walking and learning how to live as me, that I will meet new friends along the way, because it’s a lonely road filled with constant obstacles and filled with moments of utter despair. But I feel free, scared but free. I will keep walking until I can find someplace where I belong. I long to belong somewhere because right now I feel so despised and awkward and lost. and so I spend a lot of time alone in my thoughts and I get lost in the loneliness that is buried deep inside of me.

The truth is that I do want to heal. I want to grow and feel and learn how to love in new ways. I want to be loved, not as I was or how I should be, but as I am. I want people to love me for me because I am me. Is that too much to ask?

So yeah, these are my thoughts today!

1-17-11

I have been feeling off lately. Semi-depressed, but not fully depressed. I cant quite figure out why. All I know is that I have to face these emotions all the time and probably will have to for the rest of my life. At one point in my life, I thought I had all the answers, I was confident, secure and now I am so unfamiliar with those attributes as they flee in the opposite direction of where I am.

Maybe one day it will be okay again. That's all I want. I don't care what it takes. I just want to be okay again. I have this constant tug-o-war on my insides and I feel like one part of me is fighting another part of me to the point of utter exhaustion. It feels like two people are living inside of me, and they are both one in the same yet very different from each other. They fight against each other instead of lifting each other up and supporting each other. I hate this battle for I fear that one day one part will win and the other will lose, and if that happens, then a part of me will die on the inside. ~Deep breath~

I feel somber, sad in the depths of my soul, not hopeless, and its not that I am unhappy, I just have this weight inside of me. I know I say it alot, but its so true: It is really difficult being me.

I have a really hard time breathing at times as I feel the war within me choking the life out of me. :( I am overwhelmed in my spirit. This pain inside me just tears me apart at the seams. The more it hurts the harder I cry and the rougher this inward battle gets. I have no refuge from the things within. I can't run from me. I want to cry.

My heart is broken into pieces from this inward battle and all that does is wound both sides of me. It creates tormented confusion and causes me to spin in every direction. Gawd!!!! I hate feeling this way. Will someone please make the bad man stop!!!

1/13/11

I am still feeling down today. I hate that my emotions have so much control over me. It really is hard being me and to carry the burdens that I have to carry and face alone. I would wish what I go through on no one, not even my worst enemy.

I feel trapped in my body and I feel like such a freak. I hate that I have so many demons. they never cease to haunt me.

1-11-11

I have a heavy heart today

1-3-11

I hate certain memories, the ones where you not only have the image ingrained in your head, but the kind where you remember the smells, the feelings, and the ones that still make you cry, even years later.

One memory I have is where I begin to sob while the enemy sleeps downstairs with the TV on. The static from the TV slowly drowns out between my whimpers and the music playing on my stereo. I realize that no matter what I do, I will never be good enough for you and nothing will ever change that. I am broken. How could you? My self-destruction is YOUR fault and there is nothing you or anyone for that matter can do to stop me from falling apart. Please tell me why you did the things that you did to me? Why did you betray me? Why did you betray my trust in you? You tell me that you love me as you defile my body, is that love? How could you love me if you purposely hurt me? And how is it that you could hate me when all I ever wanted in my life was to be like you. I was deceived. I was naive and you preyed upon my innocence like a predator. :(

So I find myself cowering in a corner in the dark with the music on, as my heart is pounding relentlessly wishing I were anywhere else but here in this place. You seem to take all of your anger and perversion out on me and it breaks me. I honestly would rather rot alone than spend another minute with you, you hurt me and I hate you for it.

I don’t know why you did the things you did as you took things to the extremes and poured out your evil upon me. But now years later, I still suffer from all the horrors that you inflicted upon me, with no healing in sight. I can still smell you, even to this day. I can still hear your breath in my ears causing nauseating shivers to run down my spine. I still feel your hands on me and can feel your bites on my body, it makes me cringe. It makes me paranoid as I constantly look over my shoulders because I fear I will see you standing there. I hate you.

You just stood there gazing upon me in silence while you made me pose for you. And if I were too loud, you simply raised your finger to your mouth. You then would lay me down and put a pillow over my face to keep me quiet until you were finished using me. Uggggggggg!!!!

You shattered my life like a rock shatters glass when it hits it full force. I wanted to run from you but your threats scared me into submission. So I simply laid there with smeared makeup on, forced to listen to you fall asleep while your arms held me in place. Every time you touch me I want to scream, STOP, DON”T TOUCH ME! GET OFF ME!!!! But instead I cower like a wounded animal that is afraid to move. I am nothing. I am less than nothing.

You tell me how beautiful I am you tell me how good I look in the outfits you picked out just for me which only makes me feel uglier. I feel like a monster, like a freak no one could ever love. And even now I can’t get over the pain that you inflicted upon me. I hate you. I can’t sleep at times because I find you there in my nightmares waiting for me. And when I awake, I am so freaked out because of you that I can’t function, so I inwardly begin to numb myself and let my heart die to ease the torments. Will this ever end? Will I ever heal? Will you ever be out of my life permanently? Or am I going to be forced to live out the rest of my life with you haunting me? I hate you.