12-28-10

So once again I find myself sitting here as I ponder life. So many things have changed yet at the same time, nothing has changed at all. I know everything about me has changed in the last couple of years. I'm definitely not the same person at all. I believe my core being is the same, as well as my humor, drive, passion, integrity, etc. Yet I'm not the same person.

Maybe I'm just trying to align my outer person with my inner person, I don't know. I do know that there is a certain element of disappointment when you see yourself one way and yet most see you as totally different. And that makes things so difficult because once they think you are a certain way, you are then put into a box that fits what those people should be and look like. There are then standards placed upon you that these types of people naturally fulfill yet you find so much difficulty reaching these standards. And when you are living in that box, at least in my experience, I find that the box suffocates you, as you feel uncomfortable and depressed because you simply can't be like those next to you. But you try and try only to be met by failure time and time again. And you start to despise those who are in that box with you because you are not like them. You don't even process things as they do, because you think differently. Everyone just thinks you are like them, and in their eyes, cased closed!

And once you finally figure things out and you know that you don't fit that particular mold, you just cannot tolerate being grouped with those people, not that they are bad people, but you are nothing like them at all.

That has been my dilemma and that is why I find myself sitting here a different person than I used to be. The reality is that I'm really not all that different, I really haven't changed at all, all that has happened is that I climbed out of that box that others put me into.

And I find that because I have gotten out of that box, people now look at me and are so uncomfortable because I no longer fit the mold that they perceived me to be. And now they scratch their heads, not only in bewilderment but also in fear. I am now looked upon as someone who deceived everyone when in fact I never put myself in that box, they did.

All I did was try to survive as I was placed into something that overwhelmed me. I tried to fit in, I really tried but I'm not those people nor can I be them.

I am not a deceiver either. I'm just a person who can no longer live life trying to meet these unreachable and burdensome standards that come naturally for those in that box. If anything, my brutal honesty and openness ought to show you how real I am, and how I'm not deceiving anyone, I'm just being real and vulnerable.

As if getting out of one box is bad enough for those who feel I should be in a particular box, when I point to the box that actually fits who I am, they freak out and don't get it. They still see me as those "other people in that box I was in" and they cannot get their image of who I should be out of their heads.

And maybe I am partially to blame for that, for not speaking up earlier in life. But in all fairness, I was drowning in the box I was placed in and I was simply trying to survive. I was not strong enough to climb out as I was simply trying to stay afloat.

I did not have it all figured out either. Only now do I know what I am not. I'm still unsure of who I am and who I will become, but I do know the direction. That is all I know. I know the former box is behind me and I'm walking in the direction of the boxes that actually match me.

I want to apologize though. I'm sorry if all this makes you uncomfortable, trust me, take the awkwardness you feel and times it by a thousand then you will have a small taste of what I feel daily. So I apologize, not for who I am; or who I will become, I'm sorry that the process is uncomfortable for you. I know what that feels like, *big sigh* :(

So yeah, those are my thoughts for today.

Me

12/27/10

It's quiet in my house, I am not used to it. It makes things eerie to me. I don't like the quietness, I mean I do, its a nice break from all the hectic-ness that I experience on a daily basis, but I am really not used to this quietness and I do not know how to handle it. It makes me feel weird.

Today was uneventful but it feels as if there is a calm before the storm and it has me feeling uneasy and unsure of things. I hate feeling those feelings that you can't really figure out, "Sigh"!

My mom is amazing. I never thought I would be able to say that, yet I can say that with all integrity. She loves me and supports me. She really is an awesome person and I am grateful that I have the kind of relationship that I do have with her. It's just nice not having to put up any sort of front with her. I can just be me and she loves me as I am, not as I should be, "who decides that anyways?" People have all these expectations of who others should or should not be, but my mom, she just loves me as I am, no matter what that looks like. It's nice! :)

The kids are away for a week. I still find it so interesting to look at how fast my relationship with their grandparents has deteriorated. For the longest time I considered them my parents. I really respected and cherished them. I just never realized how much things would change. I thought the bonds we had were bonds that would last a life time, how I was wrong. Everything is so superficial these days. and they never had the bonds with me that I thought they had. When they do have the courage to come over to get the kids, they seriously rush so fast to get out of my presence, its sorta humorous, yet its really heart breaking. :( They are so uncomfortable around me. I wont bite, "deep breath" I am just sad I guess.

At least my mom loves me. She is one of the few people in my life that hasn't turned against me. I love my mom.

12-13-10

Well, I have been sick for a week but I am finally over it. I mean, I am feeling about 90% right now which is better than it has been in a while. I once again approach this blog unsure of what I want to write. I guess I have sorta been in a daze. Stupid cold! I can't believe a cold knocked me around as much as this one did. Crazy. I don't normally get sick and this was brutal, lol, oh well, that is the way it goes in this world.

Anyways, I am happy. I feel so blessed to have the people I have in my life. It has been a long road to get to the place where I am at now, but it was worth it. I really feel like I am in a good place in my life, finally. The kids are doing well, Sarah is amazing and I am just so blessed to have these moments in time where I can share my life with those people who love me for who I am. It feels good to be loved just because I am loved, and for no other reason.

I am happy.

12-10-10

I have been sick for the last 3 or 4 days. I just want to feel better. I mean, I do feel better today, but I am nowhere near 100%. I want to sleep, but work calls me. I am thankful for my job, I love being self employed, but it has its price. I don't get paid for sick days or holidays, but that's okay. I just want to feel 100%. Hopefully I am on the mend. :)

12/2/10

I feel out of it today, my emotions are all over the place and it simply exhausts me. Things are not bad, on the contrary, things are good. I am just totally and completely wiped out.

Lost Love

My new song, I just wrote it today 11-28-10:

Lost Love

Hey Baby; you have left me here all alone

You have hurt me, I’m wounded, yet I miss you more than you will know.

Desertion, I thought wouldn’t happen to me, oh no.

I’m left here weeping, alone in my distress, picking up pieces of debris that has been left.

And I regret, all of those times that we fought and didn’t get along.
Now I know what it’s like, to be wounded and left for dead.
Oh how I love you, more than life, I sit crying alone day and night.
Lost in thought, pour out my soul, I miss you more; miss you more than you know....


I make believe, you are here dancing as you hold me, in your arms.

Lift my hands slowly; dreams of you holding me, moving to the sound our
hearts create.

Tears fall slowly, as I melt in this place, my dreams.

I’m weak in passion, as my knees start to shake, my eyes then open, to an empty room, empty embrace.

Oh I regret, all of those times that we fought and didn’t get along
Now I know what it’s like, to be wounded and left for dead
Oh how I love you, more than life, I sit crying alone day and night
Lost in thought, pour out my soul, I miss you more; miss you more than you know...


2nd Chorus

Oh I regret, all of those times that we fought and didn’t get along
Now I know what it’s like, to be wounded and left for dead
Oh how I loved you, more than life, I’m done crying alone day and night
For I’ve move on with my life, I’ve picked up the pieces, one piece at a time!

11-27-10

I am really feeling like a total scatter brain today. Let's see, I set up the Christmas tree today, that was actually a HUGE accomplishment as I just feel so tired and lethargic. I miss my sanity, she is in Cali and comes back tomorrow, yaaaay. Until then, I am going to be going crazy.

The kids were really excited today with the fact that I got the tree all set up and the decorations out, plus I have done a few loads of laundry, and all that entails with having three kids.

I am tired, I am kinda bored and yet I don't want to really do anything. Weird!

I woke up this morning to the news reporting that there was a car bomber who tried to blow up pioneer square last night at the tree lighting event. My mouth dropped to the floor. That is just a little too close to home for me to write it off. Talk about scary. My Sarah works in that area and she is at pioneer square every day. that is where she catches the MAX. I would simply die if something happened to her or my kids. I would not be able to think straight and would not be in a good place emotionally. Thank God they caught the animal.

I hate that people want to kill other people for no good reason. It makes me sad.

11-26-10

Sometimes alcohol is my friend. I don't drink much and I don't plan to either, but there are times when I love to just drink and not think about all the crap that goes through my head.

I miss my girl. She is an amazing person and I can't wait until she returns. I miss her like crazy as she really has this amazing ability to keep me sane. I mean, when I am with her, I don't have the struggles in my head like I do when she is not physically in front of me. I don't know how she does it, because it's not like she does anything at all, but being in her presence puts my soul at ease. I miss her.

The truth is that I am a tormented soul. I have burdens in my heart that I just can't seem to get rid of and I do what I can to cope with it, but I am tormented. My heart is all over the place and I have no idea which way is up anymore. I just want to live in a place where I can be free to be me and not feel like everyone thinks I am some sort of freak. Funny, I used to joke all the time that I was a freak, because I always felt like one, but now I don't feel so much like a freak and others think I am. It is so interesting to me to watch the tables turn right before my eyes, *insert deep breath here*, so yeah, things are interesting.

journal 11/21/10

I am sore today. Sarah and I were raking leaves yesterday and doing yard work, and now I pay the price, OWWWW! I also transplanted about 5 pine trees that had sprouted in my yard over the last couple of years. I think they will lool pretty nice where I placed them, well, as long as they live and all.

It might snow tonight, I am so happy....yaaaay! I love snow, but hopefully this year wont be as bad as it was a few years ago when the city shut down for almost a week, that was lame-o!

Today is a good day. :)

Journal 11/17/10

Brutal! That has been my life over the last few weeks. I have felt so overwhelmed and it has taken it's toll on me. So much so that I shaved my head just to prove a point to the world that I am still me. I don't know what it is or why I feel like I have to always defend who I am or who I am not. I am overwhelmed.

So yeah, I shaved my head for a few reasons. For starters, I know that when people in the Bible would grieve often times they would shave their head as a symbol of their grieve. And I am grieving. Yesterday was the 36th anniversary of my dad's death. He was 24 years old when a 14 year old kid shot him. My dad was taken to the hospital and died a few weeks later while he was in intensive care, or at least that is what I am told....if I have my story correct.

I am not grieving the death of my dad in the traditional sense because I did not know him nor was I close to him. On the contrary, I was only 8 months old when he was murdered. But, I grieve the life I may have had if he had lived. Maybe I would not have had all the abuse I had as a kid. Maybe I would have had more, I don't know, but I am pretty sure I would not have been sexually assaulted over and over again as a child had my dad been alive. My mom would not have been on drugs when I was growing up, at least not to the extent that she was. Well, I don't know if she would or not, but there is a chance that I would not have the demons that still chase me in my nightmares because my dad was killed. Maybe he would have stopped the molestation I went through, maybe he would not have known, I don't know, but I am grieving and I am upset. Mostly, I am just overwhelmed. So yeah, I shaved my head.

But I also shaved to prove to people that I am still me. There is more to me than just one little element. I am not identified as one thing only. I am so much more than just one thing. My identity is not in my hair or in any other one thing. I have more depth than that and so I shaved my head. I loved my hair but I shaved it to prove a point. But then I cried after I shaved it. Because my hair is a big part of my identity, so it hurt to let it go, but its not my only identity so I know I can move on and wait for it to grow back. So its really painful for me on an emotional level to have a shaved head at this point in my life, I just wanted to prove that though my hair is a HUGE part of me, its not the only thing that defines me as a person. Though I look different without hair, I am still recognizable by the other features that my body has.

Yeah,I look different now. And if you saw me last week with my longer red and black hair then saw me now, you would know there were some changes that I have made to my appearance, but I would be recognizable. Though I may look different and though you may like or hate how I look with or without hair, I am still the same person. And changing the outer appearances by shaving my head does not change the inner person.

So yeah, there you have it, *big sigh*, I did this to prove a point. I am still me, no matter what I look like. I am still me. I have the same feelings, I love the same way I always have. I am still me. Why is that so hard for people to see? Is the external person more important that the inner person? Is that what we are to teach our children? I just don't get it. I think the inner person is far more important than the outer and if someone wants to look their best in a way that works for them, why is that such a big deal? Anyways, so yeah, those are my thoughts for the day.

Journal 11/16/10

I'm so sad right now.

Journal 11-16-10

I'm having a hard time this morning. Sometimes it really is hard dealing with the feelings that people have about me. I mean, most of the time after the initial shock of how people react when they spew their venom at me, most of the time I can deal with it and move on. But there are times when i find it more difficult and it saddens my heart. I will get over these feelings, life is just to short to dwell on them for too long and I really don't want to get into that depression thing I had a few years ago or so when I wanted to die. so dwelling on negative feelings for too long is not an option for me.

I don't know what I mean or what I want to say. I really just wish I didn't have to carry the burdens that I carry. I don't think it's fun, on the contrary, I freak out most of the time and haven't learned how to adjust to my feelings when they flood me like they tend to do. Its not like it used to be, I really do feel like I have a handle on things, I guess I just want to express that its hard to be me. That is what it comes down to. It's very hard to walk in this life as me. That's the bottom line. My road in life will be a hard one.

Journal 11/9/10

I'm overwhelmed today. Sometimes its so difficult being me....I have so much turmoil internally and even more externally as well because of how people view me. Sometimes the persecution and prejudice I experience for just being who I am is so heart breaking. Sometimes I wish I had the words to articulate the things I feel and experience on a day to day basis. Its pretty brutal and makes me cry more than I ever wished I did. But that is the daily price I get to pay. :(

Journal 11/1/10

Where can I take this pain that torments me? No matter where I go it never leaves my side. If you were to tear me open, you would see the pain and suffering that lives deep within the depths of my being. I am tormented. So I run and run. I mean, isn’t that what you are supposed to do? That is what I did for years and years. Because I found it to be easier to run away from the pain that was within me than to face it head on. It was easier to numb the pain than deal with it. It's so much easier to go away than face all this pain here all alone. And I was slowly dying. I was killing the very parts of me that I wanted to preserve, and I didn’t even know it. I feel as if something has been taken from deep inside of me and has been put on display for the world to dissect. This secret I've kept locked away for so long seems to find its way into the hands of those who hate me. I am talking about wounds so deep, that they never show. Yet at the same time, they never go away. It has been my lot for most of my life. And If I could change and take back the pain I have experienced over the years I would. I would seriously retrace every wrong move that I have ever made and change it. But I can’t. And if I could take all of my shame to the grave I would do that in an instant. I hate that other people who know what I have been through, I hate that they try to use that against me at times as if it were my fault that I was a victim as a child. I am hurt. I wasn’t the one who hurt people, I was the one who was hurt.

Sometimes as I remember the darkness of my past and all that I endured, as I start reminiscing on the old memories that I really wish I had never experienced, I sit there sobbing and wishing I never felt the things I felt or experienced the things I experienced. And instead of letting go, I would try to bury it deep inside and feed the pain that was already living inside of me. I never wanted to move forward with being who I am because I was so terrified of my past haunting, that in some weird way; I felt that if I didn’t move forward then I would not be able to create a past and without a past I will never hurt again. I would never have a past to haunt me. I would never have to look back again and sob in horror.

So I tried washing away who I was. I started washing away who I felt I was inside, which made me feel misplaced, because I had to pretend to be someone I wasn’t. I felt helpless, scared and defeated all the time. It was not a good place to be. And it sucked. It still sucks.

I really am trying to figure all this crap out. I thought I had it all dialed in, I thought I had everything worked out. But guess what? I didn’t have it worked out. These demons seem to follow me around like some sort of black cloud that looms over my head. And it has taken its toll on me. I can’t continue living like I have been living, where I just push aside my feelings for the sake of other people who hate me anyways. Screw them. They are not worth my time and I can’t believe that I wasted all these tears that I have shed and all the stress that I have felt on people who are not worthy of that kind of respect. They hurt me, and they could care less about what I feel or what I have gone through and for me to get stressed out over their discomfort of how I am, pfft. I can’t live for them. I won’t.

I just can’t live for them, so I have decided that starting today, I am breaking out of the bonds that have held me down for so long and I am going to face these demons that have haunted me because I have had enough. I am tired of this and I am fed up with people telling me how I am to live my life. It’s not their life to live. So starting right now, I will put my life together the way that I want it put together. It is my decision to be me, I am doing this for me because honestly, I like who I am. I am a decent person who has a lot to offer people. I've been put through hell, and I feel like those who I loved, those who I thought loved me, I feel like all they do is lift their middle finger and wave it at me. It hurts. So screw them! I will be me, and they can deal with it. I don’t know how to be anyone else, and I don’t want to be them, so I am left with me. And you know what? That’s okay because I am fun and passionate and have a lot of love and devotion to give to the right people. So if you choose to stay in my life, then GREAT, I would love that, but don’t expect me to live any other way than me simply being me.

Journal 10-31-10

Its been an emotional week or two. It sucks when people you care about don't care about you. That is a hard reality to take in and adjust to, but its life. It just sucks feeling rejected. But what do I know?

Journal 10-27-10

I feel so anxious today. It sucks.

Journal 10/25/10

I feel sad today. :(

Sealed in Blood

Sealed in Blood

What’s going on in me? I am afraid to be
Left alone I cry, wings clipped I cannot fly!
Transformed into a freak, vicious society
Hated, loathed and despised
My Demise_______________________________!!!

This torment I now feel, in my own blood’s revealed
I claw at my skin, this hell from you, I’m in.
Can’t get you off of me, you stole my purity
Left here mourning alone
I hate you__________________________!!!

I’m gone, my hell, in pain, corpse shell
No hope, not free, no rest, for me________!!!!

Bill Scott, Sr.

Journal 10/22/10

I feel like my life is under the microscope from disapproving people and its overwhelming. I just wish that those who don't agree with me or the way I raise my family or the way I choose to do the things that I do, I wish they would just leave me alone and leave their judgmental thoughts to themselves.

I feel like I am being watched and no matter what I do I will never meet your standards. I feel as if you only see things the way you want to see them. Yet everything you do you can justify. You think I am the confused one, how do you do it? How can you sit there and openly come against me when you are no better? In your mind, I am blind, and of course you are right all of the time. There is nothing I can say or do that will change the way you see things so why should I bother. I am not who you are and I never will be, should I be sorry for that? Well I am not sorry.

I feel like I can't do anything right in your eyes. I feel like you just want to pounce on me, on my every move just so you can find something that you disagree with. Go ahead, kick me when I am down, if that is what it takes to make you feel better, then do that. I can't be like you. And I really don't want to either. I will never be good enough for you. I can bear my soul and lay all that I am out on the table and it's still not going to be enough, so I give up.

Please tell me what it feels like to be in your shoes. I want to know what sensations you feel as you walk over people like me the way that you do. Your words are hurtful and I sit here waiting for you to take me down again. I mean, I know that you are perfect and that I am the only person on this planet that has issues. I am hurt. You try to cage me like I am some wounded animal and I am hurt. Just go your way and I will go mine!

...this is the turmoil that I get to feel when you come against me the way that you do. I hate feeling this way. I hate crying as much as you have made me cry. I hate that I have given you this much power over my state of mind. I do not belong to you and I am not going to give you the power that you have tried to take. My family and I have moved on, its time for you to do the same. Leave me, my kids and my girlfriend alone. Leave all my family alone, leave my siblings alone and leave anyone that I am associated with alone! Go bug someone else, I don't have time for your judgmental disapproval on how I should live and breathe to meet your standards. I can't meet them, nor do I want to.

I want to cry.

Journal 10/12/10

Well, its Tuesday morning, 7am, and the kids are fed and ready for school, yet we still have an hour before we have to leave. I like having time in the mornings to actually take my time.

Last year I had to be at school by 7am, that was rough because I had to get the kids up so much earlier and get them to their daycare before I got to my school at 7am. I had no time in the mornings last year and had to be a drill sergeant. This year I don't work till 9am and I get up at 6am, I have a three hour window compared to last year. I would get up at 530 last year, shower get the kids up at 6am then be in the car at 615am. there was just no time, and the kids HATED it, as did I.

All that said, I can just relax, drink my coffee, maybe even two cups then slowly get ready for work. Oh wait, I am ready, ha-ha. I guess its 2 cups of coffee today.

Yaaaay!

Journal 10/7/10

Well, Here I am, sitting here pondering things. I am not sure where I am going with this journal entry, but at least I am writing on a day when things don't feel like they are pushing in against me and crushing me under their weight.

I have been sick for about a week. I went to church and this guy sits behind me and sneezes on me, and I was like, ewwwwwww that was gross. Then he sneezes like 10 more times and I am so grossed out that I move my seat to the other side of the church to get away from him. And the next thing you know, I am sick and have had this mans cold for a week now. I even missed work yesterday because I felt like death rolled right over me and I simply needed to get some rest.

I feel better today. The kids are doing well and Sarah is Amazing. I have a blessed life and I am so happy to be where I am in this season in my life. I really do love my life. My job is good, my family life is good, I don't have alot of friends, but the ones that I do have are solid friends who are as devoted to me as much as I am to them. Things are good.

It was a dark season for such a long time in my life, and I still have hauntings from my childhood. Every time I hear something on the news about a kid that is being abused or when I hear about some predator on the loose, it takes me back to that horrible place when I was a kid....its still hard for me to cope with those monsters that haunted me for all those years when I was just a kid. I still find myself sobbing at times and cowering in a corner. I can still smell the stench of those horrible monsters at times and it is wearisome. But I have been able to manage things better now. Its still very hard to be me, but I am able to find joy in the little things when these feelings of despair come in to haunt me.

I do wish I were able to trust people more, but I just cant. You can't live the hell that I lived and walk away from it untarnished. When you go through the things that I have, it changes everything about you. It changes the very fiber of who you were going to be and it sends you on a different course that is nothing like what it could have been had you never experienced the pain and horrors that were experienced.

I am not the same person that I was and for the longest time, pretty much my entire life, I was afraid to face these demons in my life and I ran from them. I ran from me. But these days, things are different. I no longer run from these demons. I am facing them, they still scare the hell out of me and shake me to my core, but I am facing them. And I am no longer running from me, I am now embracing who I am and who I have become because of my experiences. And I am finding more and more that I really like who I am, and who I am becoming. I don't know what this new phase in my journey will look like, but I am not afraid to just be me.

And I know I will battle this all the time. I will go back and forth and be wishy washy because as I am becoming more and more comfortable with who I am, it makes me more vulnerable. What I mean is that in order for me to just be me, I have to become vulnerable and when that happens, then the chances of me getting hurt again are real and that scares me, but I cant run from me anymore. No matter what happens, no matter how far I run, I am still with me, so now, instead of running, I am embracing and learning to love that person who I ran from since I was a child. Because that person is an amazing person. So I am embracing me and no longer running from me.

I guess the bottom line is that I am happy and I am looking forward to discovering who I am. I have a solid support group and they help carry me when I need it. But most of the time they are just holding my hand as I continue to discover who I am and how I fit in this thing called life. Life is good.

13

Here is a new song I wrote called 13:

13


I hear you breathing at my door; my heart pounds, mouth drops to the floor.
Cold sweat begins to appear upon my bare body

Its dark, I’m scared as you come in; you say no words as you begin
I whimper cry, I sob and gasp, as you penetrate
I beg to die, don’t wanna live, as you desecrate

Now that you’ve had your way with me; you walk away; I’m still sobbing
You’ve taken who I am, and who I was, away with you
I’m full of shame; broken, scarred, blistered now, what do I do?

I live on in confusion, a dark place for me to be
Won’t hesitate to tell you, how ashamed I feel you see
This man came out to haunt me and he lives in my nightmares
I hate what he does to me and its him I really fear

But that fear from him keeps growing, as I cower in defeat
I cannot handle what he does and how he looks at me
Do they see what he is doing; do they blame that man at all?
He’s my demon, he’s a monster, its him who makes my skin crawl

So I look at everybody with these blood stained sobbing eyes
It’s hard for me to trust people, I see demons and lies
I run away in horror, I’m so guarded, there’s no trust
I know you want to hurt me, as my spirit has been crushed

I hate what happened to me, will I ever heal at all?
My life is lived in shambles, as I hide behind these walls.
I am lonely, I am weak, I am frightened to my core
I can never go back to the person who I was before!!!

Journal 10/5/10

I am sick today, it is so sucky!

Journal 10/2/10

Feels sad today. Someone close to me and who I care about doesn't believe me when I let them know I care about them. That really breaks my heart.

Journal 9/24/10

Been feeling up and down lately, nothing to intense and I am happy, but I cant seem to get a hold of my emotions, they tend to go all over the place. I feel sad, happy, frustrated, excited, stressed, content, nervous, all at the same time. Its so weird and I feel like its a roller coaster.

Interesting....(insert "ponders these feelings" here). Oh well, things are better than they ever have been, and I am blessed. Now its time for me to go to work.

Journal 9/13/10

Today is a better day, I have had conflicting emotions because of a child molesting family member. I have been all over the map because thoughts of him make me sick to my stomach and I want to vomit. He is in jail, and facing 25 to life for a 3rd strike. It wasn't molestation that put him in jail this time, it was drugs. But drugs is what he was on when he was molesting in the past. I am disgusted and angry, sad and my heart is shredded.

Journal 8/25/10

Its been hot lately, but life has been good. I don't have the time I used to have to sit down and just meditate. I do miss that. I have been sorting out so many things that happened to me as a kid, its hard dealing with it, but its been productive. I really don't know what I am writing today, I am just rambling.

My kids have been gone most of the month. Its been refreshing on one hand, but I have really missed them. This is the longest season in my life that I have not had them here with me. But its summer and they are traveling right now with family before school starts again. I miss them.

Journal 7-22-10

My kids return tonight, I have missed them. I cant wait to see them.

Journal 7/20/10

I had another panic attack today. I woke up at around 5:30 this morning and was sobbing because in my dream, I could not find my daughter Mercy. She was missing. The dream was so real and I was so powerless to find her. I was frantic, overwhelmed and desperate. I searched from house to house and at every park I could think of and everyone I tried to speak to spoke Spanish. I sobbed in helplessness as I wasn't even able to communicate with people about my missing daughter. It was so terrifying and I was so broken-hearted and crushed in the dream. My boys were helping me look for Mercy but we never found her.

And then I woke up and when I woke up, I started having another panic attack. I couldn’t stop crying, I had difficulty breathing. I took a shower so that I could at least drown out some of the sobs in the pouring water, as I tried not to hyperventilate. I hate it when I have panic attacks. I worry about my kids. I have so little control over the elements of this world, my world, and the uncertainty of this life really leaves me forced to walk by faith even when I don’t want to. I wish the world was better, I wish it were a perfect world where no one did anything to hurt anyone else and that kids were always safe.

I don’t know what I would do if that dream ever came true… if my daughter or my sons ended up missing. I would not be able to breathe or function. I love them so very much and I hate just the mere thought of something happening to them. They are precious, they have never had to see the torments that I have had to see in my lifetime and I pray they never do. I want them safe, always safe and when I am not able to do that, even if its in a dream, it really freaks me out and I have these horrendous panic attacks.

I hate these continuing nightmares. I wish they would go away. I am grateful that I don't have them every night like I used to.

journal 6/28/10

Today was a good day.

Journal 6-28-10

Today was okay. My emotions are all over the place. I went to see Toy Story 3 and started to cry at the bonds that the characters in the movie had. I have never had those kind of friends. I wonder what that would be like.....to be close friends till the end of your life. To have someone love me so much that they would be there for me trying to comfort me even in the face of death. I want to be that way with those who are close to me.

I am sad on the inside right now. Not depressed, just a little down.

journal 6/26/10

I'm feeling conflicted internally tonight.

Journal 6/20/10

I feel so conflicted and confused inside my heart today about God, spirituality, life, death, etc. I wish I could go back to the simplicity that I felt I once had, yet it seems like that isn't something that's based in reality. I feel I can't go back, that it was just a season in my life for that time. I hate feeling so conflicted when it comes to God because He has been so faithful to me even though I have made a mess out of my life on more than one occasion.

What really sucks more than anything is facing this confliction alone because whenever I share this with other Christians who share my faith, for whatever reason, they don't get it. They either think I am lacking faith, or back-slidden, and they don't help me sort this out. Instead they expect me to not have these conflicts and just to get over it already. They expect a microwave version healing over my life and when that doesn't happen, they tell me how I am wrong or they start to pick my life apart and tell me to do this and that.

Can't someone just come along side me and carry this burden with me? I don't want to be your project, I just want a friend who I can be real with. I want a friend that wont feel threatened when I am struggling and wont walk away when whatever it is that i am going through doesn't make sense to them.

I guess that person doesn't exist in the Christian realm....which sucks! People sometimes act like I am a brand new Christian and that because I have these struggles that means that I am about to depart from my faith in God. But I have been a Christian for 20 plus years, I am not going to leave my faith, but at the same time, I am not going to be fake about it. Too many Christians act as if they don't have struggles in there life. Well guess what world, I have struggles, I have doubts, I worry, I freak out, I have panic attacks, guilt, regret, fear, etc. Am I the only Christian on this planet that have those feelings?

Why is it wrong as a Christian to be brutally honest in those areas of my life without having to defend my faith or my walk with the Lord? I don't get it.....like I said, it sucks!

Journal 6/19/10

Well, its Saturday morning, and I am tired. Lets see, the boys woke me up at 530am screaming (in fun of course) but I was not too thrilled with that. So I stumble downstairs with a not so happy look on my face, I open their door and both boys drop down and act like they are asleep. The only word I can even muster is, "Seriously?" Billy opens his eyes but Tobias acts like he is asleep. "Tobias, quit acting like your asleep, I heard you. What in the world guys? Really?" They say nothing.

Well, whenever I walk down the stairs, guess who it wakes? It wakes Mercy. So now she is up and I am like, uggg! I cant get upset with Mercy, I am the one who woke her up. So I figure, oh well, go ahead get up guys.

But Billy says, Dad, I peed the bed. I ask him, "Are you wearing a pull up?" He says yes but that it went through. I am so tired, so I strip down his bedding ad do a load of laundry, get the tub ready and bathe both boys, and geeze, since its 530 and we are all up, I bathe the girl as well.

I am tired, but have gotten alot accomplished before my 1st cup of coffee.

As much as I hate being this tired, and as overwhelming single parenting is, in a weird way, I really love all this work. There is never a dull moment and I am really grateful that I have these moments in time where I dont just sleep my life away.

Now, I need some more coffee, I need to change the laundry over and do another load, I swear the kids must be throwing their underwear away, they used to have like 80 pairs and now I cant ever find any for them to wear.

I am a blessed man!

My Someone

I want someone who will care, who will love me as I am
Someone who sees me as me, who will not run away in fear
I long for intimacy, and for a long held embrace,
I long for passionate love, one who will kiss my face

I long to be free with the one I love,
She will love my personality and desire my time
She will seek me out, and wonder how I am
Her heart will be entwined with mine

I long to share the rest of my life with this woman I adore
I want to share my desires, and share my hurts
I long to have a girl who will stand by my side
It won’t matter what storms come or how big the tide.

She will not run away, or quit when things get rough
She will be devoted to me; embracing me in love
She will understand me and the way I think
She will love my humor, love my heart so passionately.

And I in return, will do the same with her,
I will pour out all I am and really care for her.
I will praise her beauty every day and night
I will love her deeply, she will be my delight

I will ask about her day, and listen as she speaks
I will comfort her when she is feeling weak
I will show her just how she is the world to me
I will embrace her; hold her, love her more than I love me

And the funny thing is, this girl was already in my life
Yet I went years without knowing that she was Mrs. Right
And I have now found what I was looking for
My Sarah Jo is the woman that I really adore

With her in my life, everything is complete
She fulfills all my desires, and she satisfies me.
I have written these words, they are honest and true
Sarah, you’re my angel and I am in love with you!

Okay

Okay!
I’m told it’s not okay to be lonely; it’s not okay to be stressed.
It’s not okay to have worries; it’s not okay to be depressed.
It’s not okay to be angry; it’s not okay to have fear.
It’s not okay to have your feelings; it’s not okay, do you hear?

It’s not okay to be hungry; it’s not okay not to eat.
It’s not okay to think too much; it’s not okay for you to grieve.
It’s not okay for you to mess up; it’s not okay for you not to pray.
It’s not okay to weep and wail; it’s simply not okay.

All I hear from you all the time; is how what I feel is not okay.
I’m told I’m always to be happy; if I’m not I’m spiritually decayed.
It’s not okay for me to be wounded; it’s not okay for me to hurt.
It’s not okay for me to hate death; and not okay to feel like dirt.

The things you think I’m doing wrong; to you is not ideal.
You’re telling me to be less human; telling me not to be real.
And if I do just as you say; then I’ll be just like you.
Yet even you don’t do as you say; now what do I do?

I think I want to sob and grieve; I think I want to stress.
I can do this and be a Christian; does not mean I’m oppressed.
Its okay for me to sorrow; its okay for me to cry.
It’s okay if it takes years; to heal when someone dies.

So now I sit here dazed, confused; my mouth dropped open wide
No matter what I say or do, to you, Christ I deny
So as I sit before the Lord; with nothing much to say.
He says my son, don’t you worry; to Me, you are okay!

Quote of the Day

“When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.”

Journal 4/11/10

What a week. I had the love of my life here with me. We spent a few days with the kids then we went to Seattle and then onto Canada. I have never in all my life been so radically in love in the way that I am now. I feel all giddy inside. And yet when my love had to fly back to California today, the air got so thick that I could hardly breathe. I miss her so much and yet its only been a few hours. I am hopeful though, as I know our circumstances of being apart are only on a temporary basis.

I love you Sarah, you have captured my heart in ways that even surprise me. I can't wait until our home is in fact that, Our Home, Together.

In the meantime, I will do my best not to be sad and cry, so far so good, well at least in the crying part, I am sorta sad, but I know its just a short-term thing.

On a side note, when crossing the border to get into Canada, Sarah and I had asked if we could get our passports stamped and the guy was like super friendly and said to go inside and hand the other guy this paper that he gave us and that they would stamp it. we were so excited. but when we got inside, OMG, the guy was so freakin rude and mean and he interrogated us, and searched us and questioned us and searched our car. He was mean. And after keeping us there like we were some guilty terrorist, he finally let us go and refused to stamp our passports. That was the only downside to this last week and yet even in the midst of it, my Sarah was able to keep me calm and at peace. I love how she does that.

journal 3/28/10

Today my girlfriend goes to New York for a week. I am so happy she gets to go. What a blessing it will be for her to experience a part of American culture that she would normally not be able to experience. She will be able to meet up with old friends and visit with her sister who is going with her, that's so incredible. I hope she cherishes this time for years and years. I hope the memories she creates this week will be something that brings a smile to her face for the rest of her life.

But I have mixed feelings if I am to be honest. I mean, I want her to go. I want her to have the time of her life, she deserves that and I would be so sad if she were not able to experience this trip. But I will miss her so much. She is my rock, and my sanity. I love her in so many ways and on so many levels because she gets me, she understands me and she loves me as I am. But I will miss her terribly even though its only a week. I mean, I already miss her.

Its not the end of the world, I do hope that she has the best time of her life. I am so happy for her. I do pray that she is safe the whole time, for the entire trip. And by this time next week, Lord willing, she will be in my arms...how I long for that moment. I love my Sarah so much. :)

Bill

Journal 3-25-10

So I sit here waiting, wondering when the day will come when we will be together. I know that its upon the horizon, that its on its way, but waiting, lets just say I am not so good at it. I desire more than anything to hold you, to see your smile in person and to be able to hug you when you need it. I miss you. I am excited for what is to come, I just wish it were sooner. I love you.

Journal 3-20-09

Well, its Saturday and I find myself sitting here wondering what I am going to do for the day. I kinda already know as I have to run to the store to get some food to feed my kids. I am working on my third load of laundry, and should have that caught up in a few hours. Billy is up from nap and is playing video games while Tobias and Mercy are still down for their naps.

Yes they still take naps, I need them to, lol. It keeps me sane and makes them so much more delightful to be around, lol.

Its quiet right now and I am not used to it. I do like it but then I don't either. I am off of school for a week, that's good, and I am going to work more hours, (hopefully), which is also good.

There you have it. That's all I got. I have nothing else really to say today.

Journal 3/18/09

it was 7 years ago that I was told by a doctor to go home and wait for my son Tobias to die. I am so glad they were wrong.

Thank you Lord, for the last 7 years with my son and for all the future times with him and my other kids as well.

Journal 3/7/10

Grace - How can I ever express the gratitude I have when it comes to the grace that God has shown me? I feel so lost so much of the time when it comes to who Jesus is and how much He genuinely embraces my broken and messed up soul. I long to be in that intimate place where I can see the face of Jesus clearly, to behold His glory and to be made into His image.

Yet I find myself so far from this desire much of the time. Grace, I would be lost, no, I would be totally devastated without it. For it is God's grace alone that enables me to move forward and to come to Him when I feel I cant. His grace enables me to come to Him when shame tells me to run in the other direction. And I feel so much shame these days, I have so much fear and when I think about how God loves me from the inside out and how all His anger and frustration that He would ever have towards me was poured out on His son, it causes me to question why it is that I still feel inadequate before the Lord?

It's not that I am in a bad place in my life. I am happy, things are better than they have been in a long time. I am in love. I have three incredible kids too but I struggle so deeply with the issue of intimacy with the Lord, with the church, and I don't want to water-coat how I feel or where I am at. Its a struggle, a real one, one that I have had to endure alone and will have to continue to figure out alone. I just cant take people telling me that I have to do this and that for me to feel what I desire because all I feel when I do those things is total devastation and abandonment. And that puts me in a far worse place than I was previously in.

I don't want to discredit what I am told, but it just doesn't work for me. I am of a different mold than most normal people, I have more issues in my heart, I struggle with trust more than most people because of the stuff I have had to endure in my life time. The words, "Just trust in the Lord Bill" is not enough for me. It just isn't.

I guess the bottom line is that I just feel so distant and desire to be more intimate with God yet I am so hurt by the church body and the lack of love I have experienced, I struggle with all the rejection I have encountered and it hurts deeply.

But all is not lost. I know God is good and that is not a cliche phrase either. I know that when all else fails, when Gods people fail me as they have, when I fail others, as I have, I still know that God is good and that He loves me. And hopefully one day all this will get sorted out.

Until then, I will just continue on as I am until I can get to that place that I desire, if its even possible.

Journal 3/6/10

I had a GREAT day with the kids. i took them to the forest and walked on some trails. It was a lot of fun.

Journal 3-5-10

Its Friday, I am looking forward to the weekend. I don't know why though, lol, its not like I will have a break, I still have to work, and be a parent, but at least i wont have to deal with school for 2 days. But things are good....i can't really complain.

Journal 2-23-10

As I sit here, I ponder the road that my life has taken me on. I never dreamed I would be where I am today. Its not bad, not at all, its just that I never could picture being in this place. I have conflicting emotions. I am happy, I really am, yet I still find that I miss so many of the old times, I miss the connections I had with people in the different stages in my life. I feel like I am so far from the person I once was, and again, that's not a bad thing, its just different.

I have more fear now than I have ever had in the past. I was more confident in the past where I just am not as confident. I mean, I and not so afraid and lacking confidence that I will hide in corner and weep in hysteria, but its just different.

I know its because I am in a new chapter in my life, and its a GREAT chapter, but the unknown is scary and it makes me miss the times when things were known by me, when i had confidence and when i was sure of my destiny.

Now most of what I do comes down to living by faith. And I am not even trying to be spiritual when I say that. I have to live by faith that becoming self employed will work out. I have to live by faith in so many areas of my life; with my kids and being a father, a student, a boyfriend, a band member. So much uncertainty, so many things on the horizon that can radically change my life and take it in a different direction. Its just a different place to be. i do look forward to it, but while I am in this uncertain state, i miss the certainty that I once felt I had.

All is well though. I am a happy person. I am blessed. I just have been contemplating things more and more the last few days. I want to be a person who is loved and who loves everyone I come into contact with. I hate failing at even the smallest things. I value the relationships that are in my life right now and I hope I never lose them.

So yeah, there you have it. These are my thoughts right now.