I once heard that Man is the only created being that knows when he is alone. And for whatever reason I feel so alone in this dark world. All morning I have been experiencing the overwhelming feeling of dispair and yet I do not know why. It’s as if there is an eerie feeling in the air and it seems to make its home deep inside of me. I feel as if this feeling has landed and made its home in the pit of my stomach. Why is life such a roller coaster of fluxuating feelings?
When Jesus said that man does not live by bread alone, was there more to that statement than what is initially thought? Man does not live by bread alone…man ought to not be alone. Man was not created to be an island. When we are isolated in life, when we feel all alone, we need to leave the place of eating alone; we need to leave that place of being isolated and we need to get reaquainted with the Word of God as that scriptures tell us to. Is that what is lacking in my life these days? Yes, it is. I just have not been in the Word of God at all. And now as my feelings overpower and consume my thoughts I am left abandoned to deal with them alone.
Of all the feelings that I have ever had to deal with, dispair is one of the easiest in the sense that it sobers me to the point of meditation. I cant stop ruminating over these feelings. And to be honest, when I feel as I do now, I start thinking and rethinking about life, and its purpose. Sobriety kicks in and I try to understand and grasp my role in the universe. What specific purpose was I created for? I don’t ask this blindly as I believe that I have a solid biblical foundation and theology, but why am I here? What is my specific role in life and why do I feel as I do? After much cogitation, I simply do not have an answer.
And that seems to be my lot these days. The more I examine and inspect my feelings, the more I realize that I just don’t have the answers anymore. Even the answers that have satisfied me in the past are no longer adequate. I simply do not know anymore. And to some extent, that is ok, but at the same time, I just need more. But what do I need more of? I don’t know!
Where is this journey taking me? Where is the road that I am traveling upon leading me? Is it the road less traveled? Or is it the road that many have traveled in the past? Am I traveling upon the road that Moses, Abraham and Isaac traveled? Or am I paving another route? Am I heading in the right direction or am I digging my own grave? Will there be light at the end of this dark tunnel? Will I again rejoice as I did in the days of my youth? Or will I live in this place of uncertainty forever? I don’t want to just exist. To just exist is such a horrible thing to me. I want more…I must have more. Existence alone does not satisfy me and I need more out of life. I need more out of my experiences. Why am I so clouded in my thoughts?
I do receive joy in the fact that my Father in heaven has an endless devotion to me. This kind of love and devotion is one in which I must simply and humbly accept and embrace. Why do you love me so, my Father? After all the things I have done to you and after all the places that I have been, why do you love me in the manner that you do? It is so unfathomable to me to be the recipient of this type of unconditional and never failing love. But I accept it. I embrace it fully. Your love towards me is what keeps me moving forward in this world of darkness and uncertainty. And I want to thank you my most holy father for loving the most unlovable of creatures; me! I desire to be as devoted to you as you are to me, but that simply is unattainable.
I guess that as I ride into the sunset for the last time, I believe that it will be at that time in my life that I will finally get to see the tangible purpose for my existence. For at the end of my journey I know that I will not only see the sunset, but I will see the SON SIT. I will see you Jesus, sitting at the right hand of my Father and then at that time in my life everything will make sense. So my prayer in light of that is to simply get to that place where I can see you face to face. Please get me there my Father. As that is where I long to be. I desire to be in the arms of my loving Savior and God. Please help me on this journey Father.
Bill Scott, Sr.
