Lord,
You are so worthy to be exalted and praised. I am so grateful that you love me the way in which you do. Who am I Lord that you are mindful of me? You know who I am and I thank you that you love me in spite of where I have been and what I have done.
I long for home Lord, I long for the day that cars don't break down and water heaters don’t break. I long for the day that death no longer reigns as a king over us. I look forward to the day when your redeemed ones will be together in our glorified bodies and able to worship you with no sin inside of us. I hate being a sinner. I hate the fact that I am such a joke, but I do delight in the fact that you the King of kings delight in me. Wow Lord, you totally rock and I am grateful.
Please help my wife and I to find the church home that you designed for us to fellowship and worship in. Lead us into the area of ministry that you desire. use our gifts Lord for your glory and help us to not settle for anything less than your will and desires for our lives. I love you Jesus, not as much as I ought to, but I am grateful that you have enabled me to love you in the capacity that I do. You are my rock and as my rock, I must say, You ROCK!!!
In Jesus name I pray....Amen.
Friday, December 29, 2006
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Journal 12/28/06
I am so frustrated with life. I feel like I am missing something that is so important yet I do not see what it is that I need to be looking at. I really miss Calvary Chapel Saving Grace. And I am not trying to be mean but the churches here in Oregon simply do not compare to the life that I experienced at CCSG. Things are so dead here. No one fellowships with anyone from the outside. No one cares for people here and it bothers me. I visited a church just last night and it was like we were invisible. No one even spoke to us. Why is that?
I am really bummed out and my heart is broken over the state of the church here in Portland. I am starting to visit church after church in my search for whatever it is that I am missing and the more I look, the more desperate I get. It's like every church so far that I have visited is run by one man; it isn't a living organism its a dead mausoleum and it frustrates me. I am so tired of the church being a one man show where the pastor leads worship and teaches and does this and does that and does everything and no one else is allowed to do any of these things. There is no room in these churches nor is there a desire to raise up the next generation. And my heart is broken.
I have been in the ministry for about 12 years now and really I have never had a problem doing the work of the Lord yet here in Oregon the impression I get is that the typical pastor thinks that no one is capable of hearing from the Lord but them. And therefore no one can step out and do what they are called to do because they simply are not hearing from the Lord. It really bums me out....actually it makes me angry.
Father,
I need you to heal me angry heart. I am so frustrated and simply mad. Will you help me to be the man you desire? Will you help me to resist the flesh and to walk in the Spirit? Lead me in Your ways O Lord as there is no other way that is worth traveling. I need to hear from you and I need Your leading hand to direct me so I know where to go and what to do? I know you called me here to Oregon but what is it that you desire to teach me? Do I need to surrender more? Probably. Oh my Jesus, help me to submit to you and to your authority as I work through these issues in my heart. I need you to heal me and teach me your ways. In Jesus name I pray...Amen.
I am really bummed out and my heart is broken over the state of the church here in Portland. I am starting to visit church after church in my search for whatever it is that I am missing and the more I look, the more desperate I get. It's like every church so far that I have visited is run by one man; it isn't a living organism its a dead mausoleum and it frustrates me. I am so tired of the church being a one man show where the pastor leads worship and teaches and does this and does that and does everything and no one else is allowed to do any of these things. There is no room in these churches nor is there a desire to raise up the next generation. And my heart is broken.
I have been in the ministry for about 12 years now and really I have never had a problem doing the work of the Lord yet here in Oregon the impression I get is that the typical pastor thinks that no one is capable of hearing from the Lord but them. And therefore no one can step out and do what they are called to do because they simply are not hearing from the Lord. It really bums me out....actually it makes me angry.
Father,
I need you to heal me angry heart. I am so frustrated and simply mad. Will you help me to be the man you desire? Will you help me to resist the flesh and to walk in the Spirit? Lead me in Your ways O Lord as there is no other way that is worth traveling. I need to hear from you and I need Your leading hand to direct me so I know where to go and what to do? I know you called me here to Oregon but what is it that you desire to teach me? Do I need to surrender more? Probably. Oh my Jesus, help me to submit to you and to your authority as I work through these issues in my heart. I need you to heal me and teach me your ways. In Jesus name I pray...Amen.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Friday, December 22, 2006
Journal 12/22/06
Oh what I would do have the kind of faith that it takes to climb out of this boat of unbelief and fear on into the crashing waves of obedience and intimacy with the Lord. I desire to step out of my comfort zone of apathy into the realm of the unknown. I long to go into that place where I am able to see you Jesus standing upon the shore as you hold out your hands calling out my name. But the waves are really terrifying as they shout out my name. The waves mock me and laugh at me. They remind me of all the times before when I tried to step out in faith and yet I failed and sank as they crashed down upon my weary soul. As the water rises and falls, twists and turns, I start to get a nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach as I feel sea sick; alone, and scared.
Yet the voice of Jesus calls out to me saying, “Do not be afraid”. The voice of Jesus speaks to me saying, “All this is for My glory son, trust Me”. I can hear the Lord though many voices are calling out to me. As the waves rise and crash around me yelling out curse words and blasphemies against me and also against my Lord; I hear through all the chaos the soft whisper of Jesus. “Do not be afraid, Bill. Come to Me. Take the leap of faith and step out into the unknown depths of the ocean’s tide.”
“Lord, the waves are simply too big. I can’t stand in this torrent of destruction!”
“Bill, do not be afraid, simply follow the sound of my voice. You will be ok, follow my voice my child!”
So I jump out of this boat of apathy into the raging torrents of despair in hopes of finding the One who alone can satisfy my thirsty and weary soul. The raging waters only terrify me; they do not quench the overwhelming thirst that invades my core being. And as I take this step of faith and jump into the water, I get drenched, I get beat up by the harsh cruel reality of the currents wetness as the winds of despair blow the raging seas all around me. I sob in total horror as the current overtakes me like a sudden flood. I am bitterly cold as the icy chill rips through my body. I am abandoned and alone. I start to sink as fear grips me. The waves screech and yell, “You are going to drown. There is no hope for you now!”. I turn and begin to swim in desperation as I head back towards the boat. “Where did it go? Where is the boat I just jumped from?” I look in every direction for the boat but it is too far away; it is too dark to see….I frantically splash as I kick my arms and feet while treading water to stay afloat. I am in a panic.
“Bill, follow my voice….”
Though I feel like I am all but dead in this violent downpour I start to turn towards my only hope. And this hope is not something tangible like the boat I came from, it is merely a voice in the distant horizon. As I tread the fierce storm waters and look to where the voice is coming from, I fearfully begin swimming as the thunder assaults me. I swim and swim and swim. I swim for days, weeks, months, years…I keep swimming.
“You are a liar, backstabber, betrayer, deceiver, LIAR” are the words that are thrown at me in my torturous swim of faith. “You are such a back stabber! You are a LIAR, You deceive everyone!” are the words I hear from the white wash waves as they punish and splash upon me. Yet in the midst of these harsh words I hear Your whisper, “Bill, follow Me….follow My voice.” I can see you holding onto my pain and using it to pull me closer to you and closer to your ways as I swim in your direction.
In absolute desperation I swim harder and faster, as I race frantically towards the whisper I hear in the distance. Your voice is so hard to make out at times in the midst of this storm. So I swim on hoping that I am swimming in the right direction as I am tossed to and fro in the waters of death. As the storm rages on, I swim enduring the sufferings that are inflicted upon my drenched and lowly frame. I am now desperately seeking and frantically searching for the voice of my Lord.
And though I don’t understand your ways Lord; I am passionately seeking the sight of your face as that is all that keeps me moving forward. You are all I am in need of now. I know it’s going to be worth it all once I finally see you. I believe that with all my heart. This storm of suffering that I am enduring will be worth it. How I look to that day that I finally make it to the shore where you no longer have to pull on the strings of my heart. For on that day, my heart will be fully in your hand. You will no longer have to tug; for you will have me fully; wholly and I will be safe in your arms as you are my hope and shelter as I endure this fierce storm.
Until then please help me to swim. Help me to run the race with endurance until I finally get to behold you in all your glory. Help me to follow your voice in the midst of suffering. Help me to cling to the hope of seeing you as I swim on in my insecurity. Help me to trust you when I start to lose heart and feel like giving up.
I can’t wait to see your face before me. I can’t wait to stand with you on the shores of eternity. I can’t wait to walk beside you; embracing you as you embrace me. I can’t wait to be surrounded by your glory. I can’t wait to be in the presence of my king….to sing and dance before my Lord. You are worth more than swimming in a thousand oceans and the more I swim the more desirable you become. You are far more valuable than the very life that I have to offer you. I worship you Jesus. I simply cannot fathom what it will be like on that special day when the race is finally over and you are there standing at the finish line. Oh the glory, what a wonderful day that will be.
Yet the voice of Jesus calls out to me saying, “Do not be afraid”. The voice of Jesus speaks to me saying, “All this is for My glory son, trust Me”. I can hear the Lord though many voices are calling out to me. As the waves rise and crash around me yelling out curse words and blasphemies against me and also against my Lord; I hear through all the chaos the soft whisper of Jesus. “Do not be afraid, Bill. Come to Me. Take the leap of faith and step out into the unknown depths of the ocean’s tide.”
“Lord, the waves are simply too big. I can’t stand in this torrent of destruction!”
“Bill, do not be afraid, simply follow the sound of my voice. You will be ok, follow my voice my child!”
So I jump out of this boat of apathy into the raging torrents of despair in hopes of finding the One who alone can satisfy my thirsty and weary soul. The raging waters only terrify me; they do not quench the overwhelming thirst that invades my core being. And as I take this step of faith and jump into the water, I get drenched, I get beat up by the harsh cruel reality of the currents wetness as the winds of despair blow the raging seas all around me. I sob in total horror as the current overtakes me like a sudden flood. I am bitterly cold as the icy chill rips through my body. I am abandoned and alone. I start to sink as fear grips me. The waves screech and yell, “You are going to drown. There is no hope for you now!”. I turn and begin to swim in desperation as I head back towards the boat. “Where did it go? Where is the boat I just jumped from?” I look in every direction for the boat but it is too far away; it is too dark to see….I frantically splash as I kick my arms and feet while treading water to stay afloat. I am in a panic.
“Bill, follow my voice….”
Though I feel like I am all but dead in this violent downpour I start to turn towards my only hope. And this hope is not something tangible like the boat I came from, it is merely a voice in the distant horizon. As I tread the fierce storm waters and look to where the voice is coming from, I fearfully begin swimming as the thunder assaults me. I swim and swim and swim. I swim for days, weeks, months, years…I keep swimming.
“You are a liar, backstabber, betrayer, deceiver, LIAR” are the words that are thrown at me in my torturous swim of faith. “You are such a back stabber! You are a LIAR, You deceive everyone!” are the words I hear from the white wash waves as they punish and splash upon me. Yet in the midst of these harsh words I hear Your whisper, “Bill, follow Me….follow My voice.” I can see you holding onto my pain and using it to pull me closer to you and closer to your ways as I swim in your direction.
In absolute desperation I swim harder and faster, as I race frantically towards the whisper I hear in the distance. Your voice is so hard to make out at times in the midst of this storm. So I swim on hoping that I am swimming in the right direction as I am tossed to and fro in the waters of death. As the storm rages on, I swim enduring the sufferings that are inflicted upon my drenched and lowly frame. I am now desperately seeking and frantically searching for the voice of my Lord.
And though I don’t understand your ways Lord; I am passionately seeking the sight of your face as that is all that keeps me moving forward. You are all I am in need of now. I know it’s going to be worth it all once I finally see you. I believe that with all my heart. This storm of suffering that I am enduring will be worth it. How I look to that day that I finally make it to the shore where you no longer have to pull on the strings of my heart. For on that day, my heart will be fully in your hand. You will no longer have to tug; for you will have me fully; wholly and I will be safe in your arms as you are my hope and shelter as I endure this fierce storm.
Until then please help me to swim. Help me to run the race with endurance until I finally get to behold you in all your glory. Help me to follow your voice in the midst of suffering. Help me to cling to the hope of seeing you as I swim on in my insecurity. Help me to trust you when I start to lose heart and feel like giving up.
I can’t wait to see your face before me. I can’t wait to stand with you on the shores of eternity. I can’t wait to walk beside you; embracing you as you embrace me. I can’t wait to be surrounded by your glory. I can’t wait to be in the presence of my king….to sing and dance before my Lord. You are worth more than swimming in a thousand oceans and the more I swim the more desirable you become. You are far more valuable than the very life that I have to offer you. I worship you Jesus. I simply cannot fathom what it will be like on that special day when the race is finally over and you are there standing at the finish line. Oh the glory, what a wonderful day that will be.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Your love broke through – Keith Green
Your love broke through – Keith Green (He often sings the words that are on my heart)
Like a foolish dreamer trying to build a highway to the sky;
All my hopes came tumbling down and I never knew just why
Until today, when you pulled away the clouds that hung like curtains on my eyes
Well I’ve been blind all these wasted years when I thought I was so wise
But then you took me by surprise
Like waking up from the longest dream; how real it seemed; until your love broke through
I’ve been lost in a fantasy that blinded me until your love broke through.
All my life I have been searching for that crazy missing part
And with one touch you simply rolled away the stone that held my heart
Now I see that the answer was as easy as just asking you in
And I am so sure that I could never doubt your gentle touch again
Its like the power of the wind.
Like a foolish dreamer trying to build a highway to the sky;
All my hopes came tumbling down and I never knew just why
Until today, when you pulled away the clouds that hung like curtains on my eyes
Well I’ve been blind all these wasted years when I thought I was so wise
But then you took me by surprise
Like waking up from the longest dream; how real it seemed; until your love broke through
I’ve been lost in a fantasy that blinded me until your love broke through.
All my life I have been searching for that crazy missing part
And with one touch you simply rolled away the stone that held my heart
Now I see that the answer was as easy as just asking you in
And I am so sure that I could never doubt your gentle touch again
Its like the power of the wind.
Journal 12/21/06 - part two
When I say that I love you, I merely mouth the words as my actions do the opposite of what my words mouth out. I hate being so drawn to sin. I hate the fact that I do find sin pleasurable and most of the time I am unwilling to give up the darkness found in my heart.
Make me willing Lord….I mean, I am willing now, but then 10 minutes from now I will find myself back in sin. I hate the fact that I go back and forth….all the time. You bid me to come to you, so here I am….take me home; sanctify my depraved heart and empty me of self so I can be filled with all of you.
Bill
Make me willing Lord….I mean, I am willing now, but then 10 minutes from now I will find myself back in sin. I hate the fact that I go back and forth….all the time. You bid me to come to you, so here I am….take me home; sanctify my depraved heart and empty me of self so I can be filled with all of you.
Bill
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Journal 12/14/06
When I consider the stars as the work of your hands and when I consider who You are my Lord; and who I am in light of who you are; I start asking myself, who are you to give everything for me? You withhold nothing from me and I will never know the price you chose to pay. I will never know the depth that you had to go to give everything for me. Did You really do all this just to say I love you? I am left here speechless as my mouth drops in wonder while I contemplate Your goodness towards me.
I want to shout out that You don't know who I am; who I really am in the depth of my depravity. But then my mouth shuts as I read Psalm 139 because it is clear that You know me inside out. And when I tie this into Romans 8:28-29; I start weeping. I am a wretched sinner and yet You knowing this; You still invested all that You are into me. The wisest men of the world would say that this was a bad investment; that You would be wasting Your valuable time investing in me....and You are wiser than all men. Yet You invested into me any ways. And in Your foreknowledge You predestined me to be conformed into the image, the reflection of Jesus. You have called me to reflect Your son.
I am nothing like You Lord. When I read in Your word about Your love, tenderness, compassion, mercy, and all Your other attributes, I stop and think that I am none of those things. But I desire to give You my all. I want You to take my life. I want to give You my heart, not just my body. But I want to give You all of me, not just lip service. Yet I am torn as I go back and forth over and over again between lip service and real commitment to You. I know You are what I want but sin clouds my eyes so that I cannot see at all.
The truth is that I can’t wait to see Your face, to look upon You with tears in my eyes. I long for the day that I can fall on my face and worship You my Lord face to face so to speak. I am one of those people who pierced You and yet Your love compels me to reach out to You; crying for mercy.
I reach out to You through the shadows of my depravity that I have lived through. I reach out to You through all the lies that I have believed in hopes that Your truth will set me free. I see that You are holy but as I reflect on my life, I am unholy. I am unclean. I can see Your reflection dimly. I lift my head as I see the light of Your Son. And because of the cross of Jesus I am able to take a step towards Your light as I flee the shadows of the wilderness that I have made my home in. As I see You taking my place I sob even more as the darkness starts to fade. Beneath Your cross I am able to take the steps needed to flee my past. You have given me wings so I am able to fly. I can now run the race as You carry me from darkness to light.
I was pondering the account in Luke when Mary was pregnant with You. What did she feel? What was it like for her? What was her point of view? What is the symbolism of Mary saying yes, let Christ "grow" in me? What did she do when she felt Your 1st kick in her womb? How did she feel as You literally grew day by day in her? It was obvious to everyone that You were in her because her body changed as You grew in her more and more with each passing day.
That is what I want. I want to be changed as You grow in me Jesus. I want to feel Your growing pains as You get bigger and bigger inside of me. I want to be in that place where I say, yes Lord, grow in me. Will You please grow in me Lord?
What did Mary think as she prepared for Your coming? As You grew in her she had to prepare for Your coming. And as You grow in me I also want to prepare for Your return; Your 2nd coming.
I think of how you had to break through her placenta to come. And how you literally had to break her so that she could see You with her own eyes. Yet You desire the same thing with me. You want to break me; You desire to tear down the walls of callousness in my heart so that I can finally set my eyes upon You. You desire to prepare me for Your return and in the same way that you broke through Mary’s birth canal and tore through her flesh. So you desire to do with me. You want to tear through my flesh to prepare me for Your return. So here I am Lord…..weak as I may be; I am here. Please do Your work in me….grow in me….tear through my flesh…..so I may at last behold Your glory and see You face to face.
I want to shout out that You don't know who I am; who I really am in the depth of my depravity. But then my mouth shuts as I read Psalm 139 because it is clear that You know me inside out. And when I tie this into Romans 8:28-29; I start weeping. I am a wretched sinner and yet You knowing this; You still invested all that You are into me. The wisest men of the world would say that this was a bad investment; that You would be wasting Your valuable time investing in me....and You are wiser than all men. Yet You invested into me any ways. And in Your foreknowledge You predestined me to be conformed into the image, the reflection of Jesus. You have called me to reflect Your son.
I am nothing like You Lord. When I read in Your word about Your love, tenderness, compassion, mercy, and all Your other attributes, I stop and think that I am none of those things. But I desire to give You my all. I want You to take my life. I want to give You my heart, not just my body. But I want to give You all of me, not just lip service. Yet I am torn as I go back and forth over and over again between lip service and real commitment to You. I know You are what I want but sin clouds my eyes so that I cannot see at all.
The truth is that I can’t wait to see Your face, to look upon You with tears in my eyes. I long for the day that I can fall on my face and worship You my Lord face to face so to speak. I am one of those people who pierced You and yet Your love compels me to reach out to You; crying for mercy.
I reach out to You through the shadows of my depravity that I have lived through. I reach out to You through all the lies that I have believed in hopes that Your truth will set me free. I see that You are holy but as I reflect on my life, I am unholy. I am unclean. I can see Your reflection dimly. I lift my head as I see the light of Your Son. And because of the cross of Jesus I am able to take a step towards Your light as I flee the shadows of the wilderness that I have made my home in. As I see You taking my place I sob even more as the darkness starts to fade. Beneath Your cross I am able to take the steps needed to flee my past. You have given me wings so I am able to fly. I can now run the race as You carry me from darkness to light.
I was pondering the account in Luke when Mary was pregnant with You. What did she feel? What was it like for her? What was her point of view? What is the symbolism of Mary saying yes, let Christ "grow" in me? What did she do when she felt Your 1st kick in her womb? How did she feel as You literally grew day by day in her? It was obvious to everyone that You were in her because her body changed as You grew in her more and more with each passing day.
That is what I want. I want to be changed as You grow in me Jesus. I want to feel Your growing pains as You get bigger and bigger inside of me. I want to be in that place where I say, yes Lord, grow in me. Will You please grow in me Lord?
What did Mary think as she prepared for Your coming? As You grew in her she had to prepare for Your coming. And as You grow in me I also want to prepare for Your return; Your 2nd coming.
I think of how you had to break through her placenta to come. And how you literally had to break her so that she could see You with her own eyes. Yet You desire the same thing with me. You want to break me; You desire to tear down the walls of callousness in my heart so that I can finally set my eyes upon You. You desire to prepare me for Your return and in the same way that you broke through Mary’s birth canal and tore through her flesh. So you desire to do with me. You want to tear through my flesh to prepare me for Your return. So here I am Lord…..weak as I may be; I am here. Please do Your work in me….grow in me….tear through my flesh…..so I may at last behold Your glory and see You face to face.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
I can hear you calling...
I can hear you calling out; searching for me. You do not sit there waiting for me to return to you; you passionately pursue me in a love driven state. You seem panic stricken in your search. Why? What are you so concerned about? I mean it’s not that I am lost. I can hear your voice it’s faint but I can hear it. You are shouting out; not in anger, but so I can hear you, “I love you Bill; where are you!” “You love me? Of course you love me; you have told me this my whole life; why are you telling me this again?” I can hear your voice in the distance, it sounds like you are weeping as you call out my name.
Why are you calling me? Am I lost? I can't be; I have known you for 15 years now. Yet I find that your voice though faint is as clear as day. You are searching for me. "Bill, where are you?"
"I am right here!" I say in response. "I am right here; can't you see me?" But it is not my physical body that you are searching for. You are looking for my heart. My heart has gotten lost and you search for it as my heart is who I am. “I am right here; can’t you see me? Can’t you hear me?”
I start to sob and weep as your voice gets further and further away. I start to mourn as I feel as if you have lost me. “You are going the wrong way! I am over here, turn around; TURN AROUND!!!” Yet your voice disappears into the night. It is now that I see that I am an utter mess, I am totally lost as I strain to hear your voice; yet you are no where to be found. “I am lost!” I start sobbing as I contemplate where I am at. I am in utter darkness. And yet I did not know I was lost until I heard your distant voice start to fade. I start to mourn with sounds unbearable for the ear to comprehend. My eyes fill with tears as my heart weeps and sobs with the horror of realizing that I cannot hear you; even more so, you cannot hear me.
Words flee me as the pain inside causes me to utter out groans that are too weak to hear. I am no longer audible. I whimper a cry of death as I lay here in my hopeless state. Like a wounded animal about to become prey; I lay here lifeless in total despair. Words flee my mouth as I whimper, sob and mourn.
As all hope is lost, I feel a hand touch me. “There you are Bill. I have looked all over for you and at last I have found you again.”
I look up trembling as I wipe the tears from my face. “Lord, how did you find me? I mean when I was shouting out to you, you could not hear me. Yet when I am unable to speak, because of the despair in my heart it is then that you hear and find me? I don’t understand.”
“My son, your heart is a fragile instrument. It is not like any other instrument on earth. You see my son, with other instruments you have to strike the chord in order for it to be heard. But the heart is different; the more you strum it, the harder it is to hear. And though you think you can be heard the harder you strum; the truth is that the more your march to the beat of your own heart, the further away from me you get. But once you stop strumming; it is then that the strings of your heart start to sing. It is at that point that I can hear the melodies of mourning that pours from within your soul. When your soul began to pour out the song of surrender; it was easy to find you. And now I have you my son. I have you and you are safe!”
"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?
I, the LORD, search the heart….”
"By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us. And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren. But whoever has this world's goods, and sees his brother in need, and shuts up his heart from him, how does the love of God abide in him?
My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth. And by this we know that we are of the truth, and shall assure our hearts before Him. For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things. Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence toward God. And whatever we ask we receive from Him, because we keep His commandments and do those things that are pleasing in His sight. And this is His commandment: that we should believe on the name of His Son Jesus Christ and love one another, as He gave us commandment."
Why are you calling me? Am I lost? I can't be; I have known you for 15 years now. Yet I find that your voice though faint is as clear as day. You are searching for me. "Bill, where are you?"
"I am right here!" I say in response. "I am right here; can't you see me?" But it is not my physical body that you are searching for. You are looking for my heart. My heart has gotten lost and you search for it as my heart is who I am. “I am right here; can’t you see me? Can’t you hear me?”
I start to sob and weep as your voice gets further and further away. I start to mourn as I feel as if you have lost me. “You are going the wrong way! I am over here, turn around; TURN AROUND!!!” Yet your voice disappears into the night. It is now that I see that I am an utter mess, I am totally lost as I strain to hear your voice; yet you are no where to be found. “I am lost!” I start sobbing as I contemplate where I am at. I am in utter darkness. And yet I did not know I was lost until I heard your distant voice start to fade. I start to mourn with sounds unbearable for the ear to comprehend. My eyes fill with tears as my heart weeps and sobs with the horror of realizing that I cannot hear you; even more so, you cannot hear me.
Words flee me as the pain inside causes me to utter out groans that are too weak to hear. I am no longer audible. I whimper a cry of death as I lay here in my hopeless state. Like a wounded animal about to become prey; I lay here lifeless in total despair. Words flee my mouth as I whimper, sob and mourn.
As all hope is lost, I feel a hand touch me. “There you are Bill. I have looked all over for you and at last I have found you again.”
I look up trembling as I wipe the tears from my face. “Lord, how did you find me? I mean when I was shouting out to you, you could not hear me. Yet when I am unable to speak, because of the despair in my heart it is then that you hear and find me? I don’t understand.”
“My son, your heart is a fragile instrument. It is not like any other instrument on earth. You see my son, with other instruments you have to strike the chord in order for it to be heard. But the heart is different; the more you strum it, the harder it is to hear. And though you think you can be heard the harder you strum; the truth is that the more your march to the beat of your own heart, the further away from me you get. But once you stop strumming; it is then that the strings of your heart start to sing. It is at that point that I can hear the melodies of mourning that pours from within your soul. When your soul began to pour out the song of surrender; it was easy to find you. And now I have you my son. I have you and you are safe!”
"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?
I, the LORD, search the heart….”
"By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us. And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren. But whoever has this world's goods, and sees his brother in need, and shuts up his heart from him, how does the love of God abide in him?
My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth. And by this we know that we are of the truth, and shall assure our hearts before Him. For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things. Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence toward God. And whatever we ask we receive from Him, because we keep His commandments and do those things that are pleasing in His sight. And this is His commandment: that we should believe on the name of His Son Jesus Christ and love one another, as He gave us commandment."
Journal 12/12/06
Father,
Help me to be a man who is changed by Your word. You desire my sanctification and I want to have integrity when it comes to Your Word. Help me to walk filled with Your presence. Help me to read and interpret and understand Your word Jesus. Help me to build my life on the Rock of Your word and not the sand of this world. Help me to trust You in the midst of suffering and help me to walk in Your ways O Lord. I am desperate for You and Your mercy and Your compassion. Have pity on me Lord.
I pray for my family and I ask that if You are willing please bless them today. Please minister and teach Billy Jr. Your ways today. Teach him to be a leader by being a servant. Help him to see his need for a Savior.
Please heal Tobias and help him to not have Autism. If you choose to allow him to have this, then help us to minister to him in love. Help him to trust you all the days of his life.
And I ask and dedicate Mercy to You O Lord. Give her a desire to know You even know. Teach her Your ways O Lord that she may walk in truth all the days of her life.
And I ask for a special blessing on Jessica. Please use her to teach these kids Your ways. Help her to teach them math and science, and help her to have them memorize your Word. Help her to potty train the kids and give her grace when she is discouraged. I pray that you would minister to Jessica and use her for Your glory with our kids. We need you Jesus.
And I pray for me Lord, I need to be a man who walks worthy of the call that you have placed upon my life. Lead me by your Spirit and teach me Your word so I can teach the youth your ways. Help me to walk with integrity in all areas of my life and redefine my character. I am a mess and I need You Jesus to do a work. So please lead us in Your ways. In Jesus name I ask these things…..Amen
Help me to be a man who is changed by Your word. You desire my sanctification and I want to have integrity when it comes to Your Word. Help me to walk filled with Your presence. Help me to read and interpret and understand Your word Jesus. Help me to build my life on the Rock of Your word and not the sand of this world. Help me to trust You in the midst of suffering and help me to walk in Your ways O Lord. I am desperate for You and Your mercy and Your compassion. Have pity on me Lord.
I pray for my family and I ask that if You are willing please bless them today. Please minister and teach Billy Jr. Your ways today. Teach him to be a leader by being a servant. Help him to see his need for a Savior.
Please heal Tobias and help him to not have Autism. If you choose to allow him to have this, then help us to minister to him in love. Help him to trust you all the days of his life.
And I ask and dedicate Mercy to You O Lord. Give her a desire to know You even know. Teach her Your ways O Lord that she may walk in truth all the days of her life.
And I ask for a special blessing on Jessica. Please use her to teach these kids Your ways. Help her to teach them math and science, and help her to have them memorize your Word. Help her to potty train the kids and give her grace when she is discouraged. I pray that you would minister to Jessica and use her for Your glory with our kids. We need you Jesus.
And I pray for me Lord, I need to be a man who walks worthy of the call that you have placed upon my life. Lead me by your Spirit and teach me Your word so I can teach the youth your ways. Help me to walk with integrity in all areas of my life and redefine my character. I am a mess and I need You Jesus to do a work. So please lead us in Your ways. In Jesus name I ask these things…..Amen
Thursday, December 07, 2006
I am bummed
So I have been told that my sone Tobias is showing sign of being autistic. Here is what the dictionary says about it and I have put in bold what signs he is showing.
au·tism /ˈɔtɪzəm/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[aw-tiz-uhm] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun 1. Psychiatry. a pervasive developmental disorder of children, characterized by impaired communication, excessive rigidity, and emotional detachment.
2. a tendency to view life in terms of one's own needs and desires.
n. A psychiatric disorder of childhood characterized by marked deficits in communication and social interaction, preoccupation with fantasy, language impairment, and abnormal behavior, such as repetitive acts and excessive attachment to certain objects. It is usually associated with intellectual impairment.
n.
Abnormal introversion and egocentricity; acceptance of fantasy rather than reality.
Infantile autism.
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au·tistic (ô-tstk) adj.
: a developmental disorder that appears by age three and that is variable in expression but is recognized and diagnosed by impairment of the ability to form normal social relationships, by impairment of the ability to communicate with others, and by stereotyped behavior patterns especially as exhibited by a preoccupation with repetitive activities of restricted focus rather than with flexible and imaginative ones
Let's just say that I am a tad frustrated.
au·tism /ˈɔtɪzəm/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[aw-tiz-uhm] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun 1. Psychiatry. a pervasive developmental disorder of children, characterized by impaired communication, excessive rigidity, and emotional detachment.
2. a tendency to view life in terms of one's own needs and desires.
n. A psychiatric disorder of childhood characterized by marked deficits in communication and social interaction, preoccupation with fantasy, language impairment, and abnormal behavior, such as repetitive acts and excessive attachment to certain objects. It is usually associated with intellectual impairment.
n.
Abnormal introversion and egocentricity; acceptance of fantasy rather than reality.
Infantile autism.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
au·tistic (ô-tstk) adj.
: a developmental disorder that appears by age three and that is variable in expression but is recognized and diagnosed by impairment of the ability to form normal social relationships, by impairment of the ability to communicate with others, and by stereotyped behavior patterns especially as exhibited by a preoccupation with repetitive activities of restricted focus rather than with flexible and imaginative ones
Let's just say that I am a tad frustrated.
Monday, December 04, 2006
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