11-26-10

Sometimes alcohol is my friend. I don't drink much and I don't plan to either, but there are times when I love to just drink and not think about all the crap that goes through my head.

I miss my girl. She is an amazing person and I can't wait until she returns. I miss her like crazy as she really has this amazing ability to keep me sane. I mean, when I am with her, I don't have the struggles in my head like I do when she is not physically in front of me. I don't know how she does it, because it's not like she does anything at all, but being in her presence puts my soul at ease. I miss her.

The truth is that I am a tormented soul. I have burdens in my heart that I just can't seem to get rid of and I do what I can to cope with it, but I am tormented. My heart is all over the place and I have no idea which way is up anymore. I just want to live in a place where I can be free to be me and not feel like everyone thinks I am some sort of freak. Funny, I used to joke all the time that I was a freak, because I always felt like one, but now I don't feel so much like a freak and others think I am. It is so interesting to me to watch the tables turn right before my eyes, *insert deep breath here*, so yeah, things are interesting.

journal 11/21/10

I am sore today. Sarah and I were raking leaves yesterday and doing yard work, and now I pay the price, OWWWW! I also transplanted about 5 pine trees that had sprouted in my yard over the last couple of years. I think they will lool pretty nice where I placed them, well, as long as they live and all.

It might snow tonight, I am so happy....yaaaay! I love snow, but hopefully this year wont be as bad as it was a few years ago when the city shut down for almost a week, that was lame-o!

Today is a good day. :)

Journal 11/17/10

Brutal! That has been my life over the last few weeks. I have felt so overwhelmed and it has taken it's toll on me. So much so that I shaved my head just to prove a point to the world that I am still me. I don't know what it is or why I feel like I have to always defend who I am or who I am not. I am overwhelmed.

So yeah, I shaved my head for a few reasons. For starters, I know that when people in the Bible would grieve often times they would shave their head as a symbol of their grieve. And I am grieving. Yesterday was the 36th anniversary of my dad's death. He was 24 years old when a 14 year old kid shot him. My dad was taken to the hospital and died a few weeks later while he was in intensive care, or at least that is what I am told....if I have my story correct.

I am not grieving the death of my dad in the traditional sense because I did not know him nor was I close to him. On the contrary, I was only 8 months old when he was murdered. But, I grieve the life I may have had if he had lived. Maybe I would not have had all the abuse I had as a kid. Maybe I would have had more, I don't know, but I am pretty sure I would not have been sexually assaulted over and over again as a child had my dad been alive. My mom would not have been on drugs when I was growing up, at least not to the extent that she was. Well, I don't know if she would or not, but there is a chance that I would not have the demons that still chase me in my nightmares because my dad was killed. Maybe he would have stopped the molestation I went through, maybe he would not have known, I don't know, but I am grieving and I am upset. Mostly, I am just overwhelmed. So yeah, I shaved my head.

But I also shaved to prove to people that I am still me. There is more to me than just one little element. I am not identified as one thing only. I am so much more than just one thing. My identity is not in my hair or in any other one thing. I have more depth than that and so I shaved my head. I loved my hair but I shaved it to prove a point. But then I cried after I shaved it. Because my hair is a big part of my identity, so it hurt to let it go, but its not my only identity so I know I can move on and wait for it to grow back. So its really painful for me on an emotional level to have a shaved head at this point in my life, I just wanted to prove that though my hair is a HUGE part of me, its not the only thing that defines me as a person. Though I look different without hair, I am still recognizable by the other features that my body has.

Yeah,I look different now. And if you saw me last week with my longer red and black hair then saw me now, you would know there were some changes that I have made to my appearance, but I would be recognizable. Though I may look different and though you may like or hate how I look with or without hair, I am still the same person. And changing the outer appearances by shaving my head does not change the inner person.

So yeah, there you have it, *big sigh*, I did this to prove a point. I am still me, no matter what I look like. I am still me. I have the same feelings, I love the same way I always have. I am still me. Why is that so hard for people to see? Is the external person more important that the inner person? Is that what we are to teach our children? I just don't get it. I think the inner person is far more important than the outer and if someone wants to look their best in a way that works for them, why is that such a big deal? Anyways, so yeah, those are my thoughts for the day.

Journal 11/16/10

I'm so sad right now.

Journal 11-16-10

I'm having a hard time this morning. Sometimes it really is hard dealing with the feelings that people have about me. I mean, most of the time after the initial shock of how people react when they spew their venom at me, most of the time I can deal with it and move on. But there are times when i find it more difficult and it saddens my heart. I will get over these feelings, life is just to short to dwell on them for too long and I really don't want to get into that depression thing I had a few years ago or so when I wanted to die. so dwelling on negative feelings for too long is not an option for me.

I don't know what I mean or what I want to say. I really just wish I didn't have to carry the burdens that I carry. I don't think it's fun, on the contrary, I freak out most of the time and haven't learned how to adjust to my feelings when they flood me like they tend to do. Its not like it used to be, I really do feel like I have a handle on things, I guess I just want to express that its hard to be me. That is what it comes down to. It's very hard to walk in this life as me. That's the bottom line. My road in life will be a hard one.

Journal 11/9/10

I'm overwhelmed today. Sometimes its so difficult being me....I have so much turmoil internally and even more externally as well because of how people view me. Sometimes the persecution and prejudice I experience for just being who I am is so heart breaking. Sometimes I wish I had the words to articulate the things I feel and experience on a day to day basis. Its pretty brutal and makes me cry more than I ever wished I did. But that is the daily price I get to pay. :(

Journal 11/1/10

Where can I take this pain that torments me? No matter where I go it never leaves my side. If you were to tear me open, you would see the pain and suffering that lives deep within the depths of my being. I am tormented. So I run and run. I mean, isn’t that what you are supposed to do? That is what I did for years and years. Because I found it to be easier to run away from the pain that was within me than to face it head on. It was easier to numb the pain than deal with it. It's so much easier to go away than face all this pain here all alone. And I was slowly dying. I was killing the very parts of me that I wanted to preserve, and I didn’t even know it. I feel as if something has been taken from deep inside of me and has been put on display for the world to dissect. This secret I've kept locked away for so long seems to find its way into the hands of those who hate me. I am talking about wounds so deep, that they never show. Yet at the same time, they never go away. It has been my lot for most of my life. And If I could change and take back the pain I have experienced over the years I would. I would seriously retrace every wrong move that I have ever made and change it. But I can’t. And if I could take all of my shame to the grave I would do that in an instant. I hate that other people who know what I have been through, I hate that they try to use that against me at times as if it were my fault that I was a victim as a child. I am hurt. I wasn’t the one who hurt people, I was the one who was hurt.

Sometimes as I remember the darkness of my past and all that I endured, as I start reminiscing on the old memories that I really wish I had never experienced, I sit there sobbing and wishing I never felt the things I felt or experienced the things I experienced. And instead of letting go, I would try to bury it deep inside and feed the pain that was already living inside of me. I never wanted to move forward with being who I am because I was so terrified of my past haunting, that in some weird way; I felt that if I didn’t move forward then I would not be able to create a past and without a past I will never hurt again. I would never have a past to haunt me. I would never have to look back again and sob in horror.

So I tried washing away who I was. I started washing away who I felt I was inside, which made me feel misplaced, because I had to pretend to be someone I wasn’t. I felt helpless, scared and defeated all the time. It was not a good place to be. And it sucked. It still sucks.

I really am trying to figure all this crap out. I thought I had it all dialed in, I thought I had everything worked out. But guess what? I didn’t have it worked out. These demons seem to follow me around like some sort of black cloud that looms over my head. And it has taken its toll on me. I can’t continue living like I have been living, where I just push aside my feelings for the sake of other people who hate me anyways. Screw them. They are not worth my time and I can’t believe that I wasted all these tears that I have shed and all the stress that I have felt on people who are not worthy of that kind of respect. They hurt me, and they could care less about what I feel or what I have gone through and for me to get stressed out over their discomfort of how I am, pfft. I can’t live for them. I won’t.

I just can’t live for them, so I have decided that starting today, I am breaking out of the bonds that have held me down for so long and I am going to face these demons that have haunted me because I have had enough. I am tired of this and I am fed up with people telling me how I am to live my life. It’s not their life to live. So starting right now, I will put my life together the way that I want it put together. It is my decision to be me, I am doing this for me because honestly, I like who I am. I am a decent person who has a lot to offer people. I've been put through hell, and I feel like those who I loved, those who I thought loved me, I feel like all they do is lift their middle finger and wave it at me. It hurts. So screw them! I will be me, and they can deal with it. I don’t know how to be anyone else, and I don’t want to be them, so I am left with me. And you know what? That’s okay because I am fun and passionate and have a lot of love and devotion to give to the right people. So if you choose to stay in my life, then GREAT, I would love that, but don’t expect me to live any other way than me simply being me.

Journal 10-31-10

Its been an emotional week or two. It sucks when people you care about don't care about you. That is a hard reality to take in and adjust to, but its life. It just sucks feeling rejected. But what do I know?

Journal 10-27-10

I feel so anxious today. It sucks.

Journal 10/25/10

I feel sad today. :(

Sealed in Blood

Sealed in Blood

What’s going on in me? I am afraid to be
Left alone I cry, wings clipped I cannot fly!
Transformed into a freak, vicious society
Hated, loathed and despised
My Demise_______________________________!!!

This torment I now feel, in my own blood’s revealed
I claw at my skin, this hell from you, I’m in.
Can’t get you off of me, you stole my purity
Left here mourning alone
I hate you__________________________!!!

I’m gone, my hell, in pain, corpse shell
No hope, not free, no rest, for me________!!!!

Bill Scott, Sr.

Journal 10/22/10

I feel like my life is under the microscope from disapproving people and its overwhelming. I just wish that those who don't agree with me or the way I raise my family or the way I choose to do the things that I do, I wish they would just leave me alone and leave their judgmental thoughts to themselves.

I feel like I am being watched and no matter what I do I will never meet your standards. I feel as if you only see things the way you want to see them. Yet everything you do you can justify. You think I am the confused one, how do you do it? How can you sit there and openly come against me when you are no better? In your mind, I am blind, and of course you are right all of the time. There is nothing I can say or do that will change the way you see things so why should I bother. I am not who you are and I never will be, should I be sorry for that? Well I am not sorry.

I feel like I can't do anything right in your eyes. I feel like you just want to pounce on me, on my every move just so you can find something that you disagree with. Go ahead, kick me when I am down, if that is what it takes to make you feel better, then do that. I can't be like you. And I really don't want to either. I will never be good enough for you. I can bear my soul and lay all that I am out on the table and it's still not going to be enough, so I give up.

Please tell me what it feels like to be in your shoes. I want to know what sensations you feel as you walk over people like me the way that you do. Your words are hurtful and I sit here waiting for you to take me down again. I mean, I know that you are perfect and that I am the only person on this planet that has issues. I am hurt. You try to cage me like I am some wounded animal and I am hurt. Just go your way and I will go mine!

...this is the turmoil that I get to feel when you come against me the way that you do. I hate feeling this way. I hate crying as much as you have made me cry. I hate that I have given you this much power over my state of mind. I do not belong to you and I am not going to give you the power that you have tried to take. My family and I have moved on, its time for you to do the same. Leave me, my kids and my girlfriend alone. Leave all my family alone, leave my siblings alone and leave anyone that I am associated with alone! Go bug someone else, I don't have time for your judgmental disapproval on how I should live and breathe to meet your standards. I can't meet them, nor do I want to.

I want to cry.

Journal 10/12/10

Well, its Tuesday morning, 7am, and the kids are fed and ready for school, yet we still have an hour before we have to leave. I like having time in the mornings to actually take my time.

Last year I had to be at school by 7am, that was rough because I had to get the kids up so much earlier and get them to their daycare before I got to my school at 7am. I had no time in the mornings last year and had to be a drill sergeant. This year I don't work till 9am and I get up at 6am, I have a three hour window compared to last year. I would get up at 530 last year, shower get the kids up at 6am then be in the car at 615am. there was just no time, and the kids HATED it, as did I.

All that said, I can just relax, drink my coffee, maybe even two cups then slowly get ready for work. Oh wait, I am ready, ha-ha. I guess its 2 cups of coffee today.

Yaaaay!

Journal 10/7/10

Well, Here I am, sitting here pondering things. I am not sure where I am going with this journal entry, but at least I am writing on a day when things don't feel like they are pushing in against me and crushing me under their weight.

I have been sick for about a week. I went to church and this guy sits behind me and sneezes on me, and I was like, ewwwwwww that was gross. Then he sneezes like 10 more times and I am so grossed out that I move my seat to the other side of the church to get away from him. And the next thing you know, I am sick and have had this mans cold for a week now. I even missed work yesterday because I felt like death rolled right over me and I simply needed to get some rest.

I feel better today. The kids are doing well and Sarah is Amazing. I have a blessed life and I am so happy to be where I am in this season in my life. I really do love my life. My job is good, my family life is good, I don't have alot of friends, but the ones that I do have are solid friends who are as devoted to me as much as I am to them. Things are good.

It was a dark season for such a long time in my life, and I still have hauntings from my childhood. Every time I hear something on the news about a kid that is being abused or when I hear about some predator on the loose, it takes me back to that horrible place when I was a kid....its still hard for me to cope with those monsters that haunted me for all those years when I was just a kid. I still find myself sobbing at times and cowering in a corner. I can still smell the stench of those horrible monsters at times and it is wearisome. But I have been able to manage things better now. Its still very hard to be me, but I am able to find joy in the little things when these feelings of despair come in to haunt me.

I do wish I were able to trust people more, but I just cant. You can't live the hell that I lived and walk away from it untarnished. When you go through the things that I have, it changes everything about you. It changes the very fiber of who you were going to be and it sends you on a different course that is nothing like what it could have been had you never experienced the pain and horrors that were experienced.

I am not the same person that I was and for the longest time, pretty much my entire life, I was afraid to face these demons in my life and I ran from them. I ran from me. But these days, things are different. I no longer run from these demons. I am facing them, they still scare the hell out of me and shake me to my core, but I am facing them. And I am no longer running from me, I am now embracing who I am and who I have become because of my experiences. And I am finding more and more that I really like who I am, and who I am becoming. I don't know what this new phase in my journey will look like, but I am not afraid to just be me.

And I know I will battle this all the time. I will go back and forth and be wishy washy because as I am becoming more and more comfortable with who I am, it makes me more vulnerable. What I mean is that in order for me to just be me, I have to become vulnerable and when that happens, then the chances of me getting hurt again are real and that scares me, but I cant run from me anymore. No matter what happens, no matter how far I run, I am still with me, so now, instead of running, I am embracing and learning to love that person who I ran from since I was a child. Because that person is an amazing person. So I am embracing me and no longer running from me.

I guess the bottom line is that I am happy and I am looking forward to discovering who I am. I have a solid support group and they help carry me when I need it. But most of the time they are just holding my hand as I continue to discover who I am and how I fit in this thing called life. Life is good.

13

Here is a new song I wrote called 13:

13


I hear you breathing at my door; my heart pounds, mouth drops to the floor.
Cold sweat begins to appear upon my bare body

Its dark, I’m scared as you come in; you say no words as you begin
I whimper cry, I sob and gasp, as you penetrate
I beg to die, don’t wanna live, as you desecrate

Now that you’ve had your way with me; you walk away; I’m still sobbing
You’ve taken who I am, and who I was, away with you
I’m full of shame; broken, scarred, blistered now, what do I do?

I live on in confusion, a dark place for me to be
Won’t hesitate to tell you, how ashamed I feel you see
This man came out to haunt me and he lives in my nightmares
I hate what he does to me and its him I really fear

But that fear from him keeps growing, as I cower in defeat
I cannot handle what he does and how he looks at me
Do they see what he is doing; do they blame that man at all?
He’s my demon, he’s a monster, its him who makes my skin crawl

So I look at everybody with these blood stained sobbing eyes
It’s hard for me to trust people, I see demons and lies
I run away in horror, I’m so guarded, there’s no trust
I know you want to hurt me, as my spirit has been crushed

I hate what happened to me, will I ever heal at all?
My life is lived in shambles, as I hide behind these walls.
I am lonely, I am weak, I am frightened to my core
I can never go back to the person who I was before!!!

Journal 10/5/10

I am sick today, it is so sucky!

Journal 10/2/10

Feels sad today. Someone close to me and who I care about doesn't believe me when I let them know I care about them. That really breaks my heart.

Journal 9/24/10

Been feeling up and down lately, nothing to intense and I am happy, but I cant seem to get a hold of my emotions, they tend to go all over the place. I feel sad, happy, frustrated, excited, stressed, content, nervous, all at the same time. Its so weird and I feel like its a roller coaster.

Interesting....(insert "ponders these feelings" here). Oh well, things are better than they ever have been, and I am blessed. Now its time for me to go to work.

Journal 9/13/10

Today is a better day, I have had conflicting emotions because of a child molesting family member. I have been all over the map because thoughts of him make me sick to my stomach and I want to vomit. He is in jail, and facing 25 to life for a 3rd strike. It wasn't molestation that put him in jail this time, it was drugs. But drugs is what he was on when he was molesting in the past. I am disgusted and angry, sad and my heart is shredded.

Journal 8/25/10

Its been hot lately, but life has been good. I don't have the time I used to have to sit down and just meditate. I do miss that. I have been sorting out so many things that happened to me as a kid, its hard dealing with it, but its been productive. I really don't know what I am writing today, I am just rambling.

My kids have been gone most of the month. Its been refreshing on one hand, but I have really missed them. This is the longest season in my life that I have not had them here with me. But its summer and they are traveling right now with family before school starts again. I miss them.