3-21-11

sigh :(

2-26-11

It’s cold right now. I am sitting here in my living room trying to get the heat to do what it does best, keep me warm, and I am sure that once the heater is on for more than 30 seconds it will warm up my living room. It’s so funny how the littlest things get me thinking. For example: the cold. It got me thinking of how certain relationships I have had that I received so much warmth from, ones I cherished and valued and really sacrificially gave myself to, I am reminded at how easily they turned cold. These relationships brought me so much comfort and I valued them so highly, and now the only time that there is any sign of life is when it’s so heated that it scorches me to my core. It is so difficult to believe that these relationships are no more. They did not make it past the storms in my life.

And it hurts. It hurts for a very long time. Healing doesn’t come overnight, it takes years and years before the wounds stop bleeding and the pain subsides. It is a very long, difficult and lonely road before you heal.

One thing that does help is after you bear your soul to someone and they reject you, after you go through that loss; when you do find the courage to share who you are with someone else and they not only accept you but embrace who you are and love you as you are, it really gives you a glimmer of hope. But it’s so much more than that. When those people in my life, whether friends or family or even acquaintances, simply stepped up to the plate and embraced me, I felt a love that is so much deeper than the love that I lost. And gratitude, appreciation, and a form of love emanates from deep within me which naturally makes my relationships with these people so much closer, deeper and real. A confidence begins to swell up from deep inside, like a seed planted and starting to sprout. Hope.

It feels as if all the tears that I have been shedding over the loss I have experienced, those same tears were watering the seeds of hope that are slowly sprouting. The storm almost took my life and devoured me, seems to be doing something that I am really starting to appreciate and value. I feel stronger.

Yet the pain is still here. The storm is real and it really devastates, but I want to be a person who soars like the eagle. You know the Bald Eagle is a very interesting animal. When the storm comes and I mean a real storm not just some little drizzle. When a powerful hurricane hits land all the birds of the air start to frantically flee. Those little birds fly as fast as they can away from the violent storm and the devastation that the thunderous cyclone brings. But the eagle isn’t moved in the slightest. The Bald Eagle looks at the storm and just begins to mount up. It begins to look the storm right in the eye and it begins to head straight for it. It goes right through the eye of the storm and then it soars out onto the top of the storm. It flies until it is above the trial.

All the other birds are running around below the pounding clouds but the eagle soars above it. It becomes victorious over it. As the little birds fight for their lives in the darkness; the eagle experiences blue skies. It is not scared in the midst of the storm but it moves right into the middle of it. The eagle faces some heavy trials and pressure and it comes out on top of it. And that is what I long to be and what I need because this storm hitting me is the darkest one I have ever been in. I fear that I am more like the little birds fleeing for safety but I want to be a person that endures and victoriously overcomes the storms in my life; how I long to be like the eagle.

And then I look at Beethoven and all that he had to endure! The man was deaf; he could not hear. You know what he said? He said “I will take life by the throat!” He didn’t say “Forget it! That is it I am done. What do you expect me to do now? I am deaf! What kind of music can I make now? My life is OVER! Everything I am is now OVER!” That is not what he said. He said “I am going to take life by the throat!” He then went on to put together some of the greatest symphonies ever known. That is simply amazing to me! He could not hear. How did he do it? He was a man of perseverance! The storm came and he took it on and overcame the fierceness of the fiery trial. Sure the trial hurt him and it altered him but he was able to overcome all the obstacles as he simply persevered.

I am not going to let this thing in my life stop or hinder me. I am not going to let this trial that I am in slow me down altogether. Sure it will knock me off my feet but I am going to get back up and fight. I will overcome or I will die trying! Though all things are against me I am not down for the count.

When we can look at the storms in our lives and look for the eye of the storm and say that is where I am going. I am going to go right through it. It is at that time that I believe that the coal in our lives begin the process of turning into diamonds. Though I can’t see or feel it now I am sure that there are diamonds being formed deep within my wearisome soul. And it is that little glimmer of hope that I will look to as I get battered and bruised in the midst of this storm. So yeah, once again, these are my thoughts for the day.

2-9-11

So it's Wednesday morning and I have some quiet time before I head out the door for work. I have needed to write for a few days, but my head has been so cloudy. Everything inside of me has been a big blur and I haven’t been able to collect my thoughts. So for the most part I have been ignoring it, but you can only do that for so long. So yeah, it’s time to write.

It's funny how easily my emotions can tear me apart. First it breaks my head then my heart starts to suffer and ache. It kinda feels like these emotions are chewing at my bones; causing a silent chill to run through them. They are so persistent and it’s that constant nagging in the background that wears on me. Why can't these feelings leave me alone and just fade away?

So yeah, I sit here in silence as I try to sort out what is in my head. It’s still a big blur. Silence builds a terrible wreckage inside of me at times, it feeds on my loneliness, my isolation and it creates a void buried deep inside the recesses of my soul. Gray shadows haunt and torment and torture me to the point where I feel stricken, despised and destroyed. I don’t like to be alone. Yet at times I do like the quietness. I like being able to reflect and just sip on a warm cup of coffee and just breathe. *Deep Breath, ahhhhh* I just don’t want to feel hopeless anymore. And that is where I think my head is at. I feel hopeless, like a lost cause that makes everyone around me uncomfortable by my presence. And I know that isn’t necessarily true at all times, but I feel like such a burden to people. I feel like a ball of confusion. I feel awkward.

At times there is no sound of laughter or happiness in my heart, at other times my heart is filled with joy and I can't stop laughing. All these conflicting emotions can be felt at the same time. It's overwhelming. And I wouldn’t mind it so much if those feelings of utter despair would not be sitting there in the shadows of my mind waiting for an opportune time to devour me. I feel so guarded, not just from other people but from myself as well. I feel like I have to be prepared for battle at all times as I wait for these feelings of despair to make their next move. And all I want to do is rest, but I am afraid that once I let my guard down and I look the other way, that the feelings of despair will attack me and I will be unable to fight them off. I am weak. I don’t want conflict. I hate fighting, yet this is the best analogy that I can think of when it comes to the internal struggles I face.

Do I throw in the towel today or do I carry on in the circles that I seem to find myself in? These somber, melancholy moods wear me down as they tell me that it’s futile to hope, dream and pray. But I know they are lies. I feel hopeful even in the midst of confusion, but I am tired.

Emptiness wants to builds a home within me. And oh how I run from it like I would run from the black plague. I am confused. I feel like an exile, different and disdained. So yeah, confusion, internal confusion seems to be where my head is at right now. I don’t feel depressed, thank Gawd!!! I just feel like I am walking around in the fog as I try to get my bearings and figure out where I am at. I can see the faint images of things around me but the fog really hinders my view and I can only make out the shapes, but there is no clarity. I have no idea if I am in a place I recognize. Everything is blocked by the fog. I feel confused.

Have things changed? Or are they the same? If I wanted to get home, do I walk the same way, in the same direction or do I turn around and walk the other way? Or am I standing in front of my house yet not realizing it because of the thickness of the haze in my mind? Confusion; that is where I am at. At least I am not depressed. I just need clarity and I will take that over depression any day of the week.

1-29-11

I guess I should write today. I don’t feel bad today, but I do have this distant emotion trying to make its way into the forefront of my mind. I am not always a depressed person, I know that if you are to read my writings only, that it may appear that way, but I am not depressed. I am just really in tune with my feelings and in those times when I am feeling the emotions tug at me, I tend to write. I write because in those somber times of emotional despair, that is when I am actually in the mood to write, the rest of the time, I am ok for the most part. Writing is therapy for me. It is a way for me to connect what I am feeling to what is going on and as I write I am able to cope with the trials that are facing me in that moment in time.

Some stuff I deal with on a regular basis, others come and go. Some of the things I deal with are from the past and I need healing from, some of it’s from an uncertain future. But everything that I write about is coming from a perspective if dealing with whatever it is that is bothering me. I don’t have all the answers, and I may never have them, but I am dealing with them and dealing with who I am in the midst of these trials as best as I can. I am doing my best to be real in the midst of my heart aches and emotional pains. At times you may not understand me and I may annoy you or even upset you, I really don’t mean to an ugly person or a mean spirited person, I am just trying to adjust to so many things in my life. And at times I know I get overwhelmed and come off as distant and insensitive and for that I really do apologize.

For the longest time I really tried to be what others wanted to me to be, but I got tired of being what others wanted me to be. I felt lost under the surface of my own skin and it overwhelmed me. I felt all these overwhelming expectations of how I was to act or what I was supposed to like or to be like placed upon me and the pressure of walking in everyone elses shoes really overwhelmed me to the point of feeling suicidal.

I felt caught, trapped and sucked into a current of despair because I could not be who others wanted me to be. I am not them and I don’t even think the same way as they do. And it isn't fair for anyone to expect me to live as they do. I had to fight and fight myself within just to make sure I did things the way I was supposed to and it made me numb on the inside, I felt dead. And because I tried to live as society wanted me to live, I started to really be afraid of who I was underneath it all. And that person underneath everything is a beautiful person. I like who I am when all the walls come down and I am left here as just me.

I don’t understand, couldn’t you all see that I was being smothered? I was suffocating as I felt forced to hold onto something that I was not and something so contrary to my nature. I felt like one of those bull riders, trying to hold on for life while my insides were screaming and bucking, kicking and doing everything it could to get the artificial outer person off its back. And the outer person, the one that everyone else saw, the shell that I was becoming, was holding on so tightly, trying to smother the inner person and to subdue it from fear of what others would say and do, but there just is no way to subdue who you are.

And now that I have stopped fighting me and kicked the outer shell off my back, everything that you thought I would be has fallen apart right before your eyes. And as the dust has settled, I am left here in my rawness and vulnerability. I feel everyone’s eyes upon my naked soul and I feel so overwhelmed by it at times. So I stand up as I don’t want to just sit here where everyone can see me openly, and I start to take steps, but each step that I take seems to be just another mistake in your eyes. But what do I do? I can’t be you. And I know that I may fail as me, and fail often, but I know that even though others may look down on me, those same people have others looking down on them to. I can’t be who you want me to be. I don’t want to be that person. I want to be me.

I feel alive as me, and its scary because it feels as if everyone is staring at me, laughing, mocking and rolling their eyes at me as I walk by. I feel like such a disappointment to people, but I love who I am. I like that I have finally gotten that shell off my back and don’t have to fight with it anymore. That doesn’t mean my life is easy, on the contrary, I am in new territory and it scares the living hell out of me most of the time, sigh! I have lost many close relationships because those people loved the shell and not the inner person. :( My heart has been devastated from the loss of close relationships that I had. I really valued them and now they are gone. I am dead in their eyes. I am a loss cause to those whom I once valued and cared for. :(

I am hoping that as I continue walking and learning how to live as me, that I will meet new friends along the way, because it’s a lonely road filled with constant obstacles and filled with moments of utter despair. But I feel free, scared but free. I will keep walking until I can find someplace where I belong. I long to belong somewhere because right now I feel so despised and awkward and lost. and so I spend a lot of time alone in my thoughts and I get lost in the loneliness that is buried deep inside of me.

The truth is that I do want to heal. I want to grow and feel and learn how to love in new ways. I want to be loved, not as I was or how I should be, but as I am. I want people to love me for me because I am me. Is that too much to ask?

So yeah, these are my thoughts today!

1-17-11

I have been feeling off lately. Semi-depressed, but not fully depressed. I cant quite figure out why. All I know is that I have to face these emotions all the time and probably will have to for the rest of my life. At one point in my life, I thought I had all the answers, I was confident, secure and now I am so unfamiliar with those attributes as they flee in the opposite direction of where I am.

Maybe one day it will be okay again. That's all I want. I don't care what it takes. I just want to be okay again. I have this constant tug-o-war on my insides and I feel like one part of me is fighting another part of me to the point of utter exhaustion. It feels like two people are living inside of me, and they are both one in the same yet very different from each other. They fight against each other instead of lifting each other up and supporting each other. I hate this battle for I fear that one day one part will win and the other will lose, and if that happens, then a part of me will die on the inside. ~Deep breath~

I feel somber, sad in the depths of my soul, not hopeless, and its not that I am unhappy, I just have this weight inside of me. I know I say it alot, but its so true: It is really difficult being me.

I have a really hard time breathing at times as I feel the war within me choking the life out of me. :( I am overwhelmed in my spirit. This pain inside me just tears me apart at the seams. The more it hurts the harder I cry and the rougher this inward battle gets. I have no refuge from the things within. I can't run from me. I want to cry.

My heart is broken into pieces from this inward battle and all that does is wound both sides of me. It creates tormented confusion and causes me to spin in every direction. Gawd!!!! I hate feeling this way. Will someone please make the bad man stop!!!

1/13/11

I am still feeling down today. I hate that my emotions have so much control over me. It really is hard being me and to carry the burdens that I have to carry and face alone. I would wish what I go through on no one, not even my worst enemy.

I feel trapped in my body and I feel like such a freak. I hate that I have so many demons. they never cease to haunt me.

1-11-11

I have a heavy heart today

1-3-11

I hate certain memories, the ones where you not only have the image ingrained in your head, but the kind where you remember the smells, the feelings, and the ones that still make you cry, even years later.

One memory I have is where I begin to sob while the enemy sleeps downstairs with the TV on. The static from the TV slowly drowns out between my whimpers and the music playing on my stereo. I realize that no matter what I do, I will never be good enough for you and nothing will ever change that. I am broken. How could you? My self-destruction is YOUR fault and there is nothing you or anyone for that matter can do to stop me from falling apart. Please tell me why you did the things that you did to me? Why did you betray me? Why did you betray my trust in you? You tell me that you love me as you defile my body, is that love? How could you love me if you purposely hurt me? And how is it that you could hate me when all I ever wanted in my life was to be like you. I was deceived. I was naive and you preyed upon my innocence like a predator. :(

So I find myself cowering in a corner in the dark with the music on, as my heart is pounding relentlessly wishing I were anywhere else but here in this place. You seem to take all of your anger and perversion out on me and it breaks me. I honestly would rather rot alone than spend another minute with you, you hurt me and I hate you for it.

I don’t know why you did the things you did as you took things to the extremes and poured out your evil upon me. But now years later, I still suffer from all the horrors that you inflicted upon me, with no healing in sight. I can still smell you, even to this day. I can still hear your breath in my ears causing nauseating shivers to run down my spine. I still feel your hands on me and can feel your bites on my body, it makes me cringe. It makes me paranoid as I constantly look over my shoulders because I fear I will see you standing there. I hate you.

You just stood there gazing upon me in silence while you made me pose for you. And if I were too loud, you simply raised your finger to your mouth. You then would lay me down and put a pillow over my face to keep me quiet until you were finished using me. Uggggggggg!!!!

You shattered my life like a rock shatters glass when it hits it full force. I wanted to run from you but your threats scared me into submission. So I simply laid there with smeared makeup on, forced to listen to you fall asleep while your arms held me in place. Every time you touch me I want to scream, STOP, DON”T TOUCH ME! GET OFF ME!!!! But instead I cower like a wounded animal that is afraid to move. I am nothing. I am less than nothing.

You tell me how beautiful I am you tell me how good I look in the outfits you picked out just for me which only makes me feel uglier. I feel like a monster, like a freak no one could ever love. And even now I can’t get over the pain that you inflicted upon me. I hate you. I can’t sleep at times because I find you there in my nightmares waiting for me. And when I awake, I am so freaked out because of you that I can’t function, so I inwardly begin to numb myself and let my heart die to ease the torments. Will this ever end? Will I ever heal? Will you ever be out of my life permanently? Or am I going to be forced to live out the rest of my life with you haunting me? I hate you.

12-28-10

So once again I find myself sitting here as I ponder life. So many things have changed yet at the same time, nothing has changed at all. I know everything about me has changed in the last couple of years. I'm definitely not the same person at all. I believe my core being is the same, as well as my humor, drive, passion, integrity, etc. Yet I'm not the same person.

Maybe I'm just trying to align my outer person with my inner person, I don't know. I do know that there is a certain element of disappointment when you see yourself one way and yet most see you as totally different. And that makes things so difficult because once they think you are a certain way, you are then put into a box that fits what those people should be and look like. There are then standards placed upon you that these types of people naturally fulfill yet you find so much difficulty reaching these standards. And when you are living in that box, at least in my experience, I find that the box suffocates you, as you feel uncomfortable and depressed because you simply can't be like those next to you. But you try and try only to be met by failure time and time again. And you start to despise those who are in that box with you because you are not like them. You don't even process things as they do, because you think differently. Everyone just thinks you are like them, and in their eyes, cased closed!

And once you finally figure things out and you know that you don't fit that particular mold, you just cannot tolerate being grouped with those people, not that they are bad people, but you are nothing like them at all.

That has been my dilemma and that is why I find myself sitting here a different person than I used to be. The reality is that I'm really not all that different, I really haven't changed at all, all that has happened is that I climbed out of that box that others put me into.

And I find that because I have gotten out of that box, people now look at me and are so uncomfortable because I no longer fit the mold that they perceived me to be. And now they scratch their heads, not only in bewilderment but also in fear. I am now looked upon as someone who deceived everyone when in fact I never put myself in that box, they did.

All I did was try to survive as I was placed into something that overwhelmed me. I tried to fit in, I really tried but I'm not those people nor can I be them.

I am not a deceiver either. I'm just a person who can no longer live life trying to meet these unreachable and burdensome standards that come naturally for those in that box. If anything, my brutal honesty and openness ought to show you how real I am, and how I'm not deceiving anyone, I'm just being real and vulnerable.

As if getting out of one box is bad enough for those who feel I should be in a particular box, when I point to the box that actually fits who I am, they freak out and don't get it. They still see me as those "other people in that box I was in" and they cannot get their image of who I should be out of their heads.

And maybe I am partially to blame for that, for not speaking up earlier in life. But in all fairness, I was drowning in the box I was placed in and I was simply trying to survive. I was not strong enough to climb out as I was simply trying to stay afloat.

I did not have it all figured out either. Only now do I know what I am not. I'm still unsure of who I am and who I will become, but I do know the direction. That is all I know. I know the former box is behind me and I'm walking in the direction of the boxes that actually match me.

I want to apologize though. I'm sorry if all this makes you uncomfortable, trust me, take the awkwardness you feel and times it by a thousand then you will have a small taste of what I feel daily. So I apologize, not for who I am; or who I will become, I'm sorry that the process is uncomfortable for you. I know what that feels like, *big sigh* :(

So yeah, those are my thoughts for today.

Me

12/27/10

It's quiet in my house, I am not used to it. It makes things eerie to me. I don't like the quietness, I mean I do, its a nice break from all the hectic-ness that I experience on a daily basis, but I am really not used to this quietness and I do not know how to handle it. It makes me feel weird.

Today was uneventful but it feels as if there is a calm before the storm and it has me feeling uneasy and unsure of things. I hate feeling those feelings that you can't really figure out, "Sigh"!

My mom is amazing. I never thought I would be able to say that, yet I can say that with all integrity. She loves me and supports me. She really is an awesome person and I am grateful that I have the kind of relationship that I do have with her. It's just nice not having to put up any sort of front with her. I can just be me and she loves me as I am, not as I should be, "who decides that anyways?" People have all these expectations of who others should or should not be, but my mom, she just loves me as I am, no matter what that looks like. It's nice! :)

The kids are away for a week. I still find it so interesting to look at how fast my relationship with their grandparents has deteriorated. For the longest time I considered them my parents. I really respected and cherished them. I just never realized how much things would change. I thought the bonds we had were bonds that would last a life time, how I was wrong. Everything is so superficial these days. and they never had the bonds with me that I thought they had. When they do have the courage to come over to get the kids, they seriously rush so fast to get out of my presence, its sorta humorous, yet its really heart breaking. :( They are so uncomfortable around me. I wont bite, "deep breath" I am just sad I guess.

At least my mom loves me. She is one of the few people in my life that hasn't turned against me. I love my mom.

12-13-10

Well, I have been sick for a week but I am finally over it. I mean, I am feeling about 90% right now which is better than it has been in a while. I once again approach this blog unsure of what I want to write. I guess I have sorta been in a daze. Stupid cold! I can't believe a cold knocked me around as much as this one did. Crazy. I don't normally get sick and this was brutal, lol, oh well, that is the way it goes in this world.

Anyways, I am happy. I feel so blessed to have the people I have in my life. It has been a long road to get to the place where I am at now, but it was worth it. I really feel like I am in a good place in my life, finally. The kids are doing well, Sarah is amazing and I am just so blessed to have these moments in time where I can share my life with those people who love me for who I am. It feels good to be loved just because I am loved, and for no other reason.

I am happy.

12-10-10

I have been sick for the last 3 or 4 days. I just want to feel better. I mean, I do feel better today, but I am nowhere near 100%. I want to sleep, but work calls me. I am thankful for my job, I love being self employed, but it has its price. I don't get paid for sick days or holidays, but that's okay. I just want to feel 100%. Hopefully I am on the mend. :)

12/2/10

I feel out of it today, my emotions are all over the place and it simply exhausts me. Things are not bad, on the contrary, things are good. I am just totally and completely wiped out.

Lost Love

My new song, I just wrote it today 11-28-10:

Lost Love

Hey Baby; you have left me here all alone

You have hurt me, I’m wounded, yet I miss you more than you will know.

Desertion, I thought wouldn’t happen to me, oh no.

I’m left here weeping, alone in my distress, picking up pieces of debris that has been left.

And I regret, all of those times that we fought and didn’t get along.
Now I know what it’s like, to be wounded and left for dead.
Oh how I love you, more than life, I sit crying alone day and night.
Lost in thought, pour out my soul, I miss you more; miss you more than you know....


I make believe, you are here dancing as you hold me, in your arms.

Lift my hands slowly; dreams of you holding me, moving to the sound our
hearts create.

Tears fall slowly, as I melt in this place, my dreams.

I’m weak in passion, as my knees start to shake, my eyes then open, to an empty room, empty embrace.

Oh I regret, all of those times that we fought and didn’t get along
Now I know what it’s like, to be wounded and left for dead
Oh how I love you, more than life, I sit crying alone day and night
Lost in thought, pour out my soul, I miss you more; miss you more than you know...


2nd Chorus

Oh I regret, all of those times that we fought and didn’t get along
Now I know what it’s like, to be wounded and left for dead
Oh how I loved you, more than life, I’m done crying alone day and night
For I’ve move on with my life, I’ve picked up the pieces, one piece at a time!

11-27-10

I am really feeling like a total scatter brain today. Let's see, I set up the Christmas tree today, that was actually a HUGE accomplishment as I just feel so tired and lethargic. I miss my sanity, she is in Cali and comes back tomorrow, yaaaay. Until then, I am going to be going crazy.

The kids were really excited today with the fact that I got the tree all set up and the decorations out, plus I have done a few loads of laundry, and all that entails with having three kids.

I am tired, I am kinda bored and yet I don't want to really do anything. Weird!

I woke up this morning to the news reporting that there was a car bomber who tried to blow up pioneer square last night at the tree lighting event. My mouth dropped to the floor. That is just a little too close to home for me to write it off. Talk about scary. My Sarah works in that area and she is at pioneer square every day. that is where she catches the MAX. I would simply die if something happened to her or my kids. I would not be able to think straight and would not be in a good place emotionally. Thank God they caught the animal.

I hate that people want to kill other people for no good reason. It makes me sad.

11-26-10

Sometimes alcohol is my friend. I don't drink much and I don't plan to either, but there are times when I love to just drink and not think about all the crap that goes through my head.

I miss my girl. She is an amazing person and I can't wait until she returns. I miss her like crazy as she really has this amazing ability to keep me sane. I mean, when I am with her, I don't have the struggles in my head like I do when she is not physically in front of me. I don't know how she does it, because it's not like she does anything at all, but being in her presence puts my soul at ease. I miss her.

The truth is that I am a tormented soul. I have burdens in my heart that I just can't seem to get rid of and I do what I can to cope with it, but I am tormented. My heart is all over the place and I have no idea which way is up anymore. I just want to live in a place where I can be free to be me and not feel like everyone thinks I am some sort of freak. Funny, I used to joke all the time that I was a freak, because I always felt like one, but now I don't feel so much like a freak and others think I am. It is so interesting to me to watch the tables turn right before my eyes, *insert deep breath here*, so yeah, things are interesting.

journal 11/21/10

I am sore today. Sarah and I were raking leaves yesterday and doing yard work, and now I pay the price, OWWWW! I also transplanted about 5 pine trees that had sprouted in my yard over the last couple of years. I think they will lool pretty nice where I placed them, well, as long as they live and all.

It might snow tonight, I am so happy....yaaaay! I love snow, but hopefully this year wont be as bad as it was a few years ago when the city shut down for almost a week, that was lame-o!

Today is a good day. :)

Journal 11/17/10

Brutal! That has been my life over the last few weeks. I have felt so overwhelmed and it has taken it's toll on me. So much so that I shaved my head just to prove a point to the world that I am still me. I don't know what it is or why I feel like I have to always defend who I am or who I am not. I am overwhelmed.

So yeah, I shaved my head for a few reasons. For starters, I know that when people in the Bible would grieve often times they would shave their head as a symbol of their grieve. And I am grieving. Yesterday was the 36th anniversary of my dad's death. He was 24 years old when a 14 year old kid shot him. My dad was taken to the hospital and died a few weeks later while he was in intensive care, or at least that is what I am told....if I have my story correct.

I am not grieving the death of my dad in the traditional sense because I did not know him nor was I close to him. On the contrary, I was only 8 months old when he was murdered. But, I grieve the life I may have had if he had lived. Maybe I would not have had all the abuse I had as a kid. Maybe I would have had more, I don't know, but I am pretty sure I would not have been sexually assaulted over and over again as a child had my dad been alive. My mom would not have been on drugs when I was growing up, at least not to the extent that she was. Well, I don't know if she would or not, but there is a chance that I would not have the demons that still chase me in my nightmares because my dad was killed. Maybe he would have stopped the molestation I went through, maybe he would not have known, I don't know, but I am grieving and I am upset. Mostly, I am just overwhelmed. So yeah, I shaved my head.

But I also shaved to prove to people that I am still me. There is more to me than just one little element. I am not identified as one thing only. I am so much more than just one thing. My identity is not in my hair or in any other one thing. I have more depth than that and so I shaved my head. I loved my hair but I shaved it to prove a point. But then I cried after I shaved it. Because my hair is a big part of my identity, so it hurt to let it go, but its not my only identity so I know I can move on and wait for it to grow back. So its really painful for me on an emotional level to have a shaved head at this point in my life, I just wanted to prove that though my hair is a HUGE part of me, its not the only thing that defines me as a person. Though I look different without hair, I am still recognizable by the other features that my body has.

Yeah,I look different now. And if you saw me last week with my longer red and black hair then saw me now, you would know there were some changes that I have made to my appearance, but I would be recognizable. Though I may look different and though you may like or hate how I look with or without hair, I am still the same person. And changing the outer appearances by shaving my head does not change the inner person.

So yeah, there you have it, *big sigh*, I did this to prove a point. I am still me, no matter what I look like. I am still me. I have the same feelings, I love the same way I always have. I am still me. Why is that so hard for people to see? Is the external person more important that the inner person? Is that what we are to teach our children? I just don't get it. I think the inner person is far more important than the outer and if someone wants to look their best in a way that works for them, why is that such a big deal? Anyways, so yeah, those are my thoughts for the day.

Journal 11/16/10

I'm so sad right now.

Journal 11-16-10

I'm having a hard time this morning. Sometimes it really is hard dealing with the feelings that people have about me. I mean, most of the time after the initial shock of how people react when they spew their venom at me, most of the time I can deal with it and move on. But there are times when i find it more difficult and it saddens my heart. I will get over these feelings, life is just to short to dwell on them for too long and I really don't want to get into that depression thing I had a few years ago or so when I wanted to die. so dwelling on negative feelings for too long is not an option for me.

I don't know what I mean or what I want to say. I really just wish I didn't have to carry the burdens that I carry. I don't think it's fun, on the contrary, I freak out most of the time and haven't learned how to adjust to my feelings when they flood me like they tend to do. Its not like it used to be, I really do feel like I have a handle on things, I guess I just want to express that its hard to be me. That is what it comes down to. It's very hard to walk in this life as me. That's the bottom line. My road in life will be a hard one.

Journal 11/9/10

I'm overwhelmed today. Sometimes its so difficult being me....I have so much turmoil internally and even more externally as well because of how people view me. Sometimes the persecution and prejudice I experience for just being who I am is so heart breaking. Sometimes I wish I had the words to articulate the things I feel and experience on a day to day basis. Its pretty brutal and makes me cry more than I ever wished I did. But that is the daily price I get to pay. :(

Journal 11/1/10

Where can I take this pain that torments me? No matter where I go it never leaves my side. If you were to tear me open, you would see the pain and suffering that lives deep within the depths of my being. I am tormented. So I run and run. I mean, isn’t that what you are supposed to do? That is what I did for years and years. Because I found it to be easier to run away from the pain that was within me than to face it head on. It was easier to numb the pain than deal with it. It's so much easier to go away than face all this pain here all alone. And I was slowly dying. I was killing the very parts of me that I wanted to preserve, and I didn’t even know it. I feel as if something has been taken from deep inside of me and has been put on display for the world to dissect. This secret I've kept locked away for so long seems to find its way into the hands of those who hate me. I am talking about wounds so deep, that they never show. Yet at the same time, they never go away. It has been my lot for most of my life. And If I could change and take back the pain I have experienced over the years I would. I would seriously retrace every wrong move that I have ever made and change it. But I can’t. And if I could take all of my shame to the grave I would do that in an instant. I hate that other people who know what I have been through, I hate that they try to use that against me at times as if it were my fault that I was a victim as a child. I am hurt. I wasn’t the one who hurt people, I was the one who was hurt.

Sometimes as I remember the darkness of my past and all that I endured, as I start reminiscing on the old memories that I really wish I had never experienced, I sit there sobbing and wishing I never felt the things I felt or experienced the things I experienced. And instead of letting go, I would try to bury it deep inside and feed the pain that was already living inside of me. I never wanted to move forward with being who I am because I was so terrified of my past haunting, that in some weird way; I felt that if I didn’t move forward then I would not be able to create a past and without a past I will never hurt again. I would never have a past to haunt me. I would never have to look back again and sob in horror.

So I tried washing away who I was. I started washing away who I felt I was inside, which made me feel misplaced, because I had to pretend to be someone I wasn’t. I felt helpless, scared and defeated all the time. It was not a good place to be. And it sucked. It still sucks.

I really am trying to figure all this crap out. I thought I had it all dialed in, I thought I had everything worked out. But guess what? I didn’t have it worked out. These demons seem to follow me around like some sort of black cloud that looms over my head. And it has taken its toll on me. I can’t continue living like I have been living, where I just push aside my feelings for the sake of other people who hate me anyways. Screw them. They are not worth my time and I can’t believe that I wasted all these tears that I have shed and all the stress that I have felt on people who are not worthy of that kind of respect. They hurt me, and they could care less about what I feel or what I have gone through and for me to get stressed out over their discomfort of how I am, pfft. I can’t live for them. I won’t.

I just can’t live for them, so I have decided that starting today, I am breaking out of the bonds that have held me down for so long and I am going to face these demons that have haunted me because I have had enough. I am tired of this and I am fed up with people telling me how I am to live my life. It’s not their life to live. So starting right now, I will put my life together the way that I want it put together. It is my decision to be me, I am doing this for me because honestly, I like who I am. I am a decent person who has a lot to offer people. I've been put through hell, and I feel like those who I loved, those who I thought loved me, I feel like all they do is lift their middle finger and wave it at me. It hurts. So screw them! I will be me, and they can deal with it. I don’t know how to be anyone else, and I don’t want to be them, so I am left with me. And you know what? That’s okay because I am fun and passionate and have a lot of love and devotion to give to the right people. So if you choose to stay in my life, then GREAT, I would love that, but don’t expect me to live any other way than me simply being me.

Journal 10-31-10

Its been an emotional week or two. It sucks when people you care about don't care about you. That is a hard reality to take in and adjust to, but its life. It just sucks feeling rejected. But what do I know?

Journal 10-27-10

I feel so anxious today. It sucks.

Journal 10/25/10

I feel sad today. :(

Sealed in Blood

Sealed in Blood

What’s going on in me? I am afraid to be
Left alone I cry, wings clipped I cannot fly!
Transformed into a freak, vicious society
Hated, loathed and despised
My Demise_______________________________!!!

This torment I now feel, in my own blood’s revealed
I claw at my skin, this hell from you, I’m in.
Can’t get you off of me, you stole my purity
Left here mourning alone
I hate you__________________________!!!

I’m gone, my hell, in pain, corpse shell
No hope, not free, no rest, for me________!!!!

Bill Scott, Sr.

Journal 10/22/10

I feel like my life is under the microscope from disapproving people and its overwhelming. I just wish that those who don't agree with me or the way I raise my family or the way I choose to do the things that I do, I wish they would just leave me alone and leave their judgmental thoughts to themselves.

I feel like I am being watched and no matter what I do I will never meet your standards. I feel as if you only see things the way you want to see them. Yet everything you do you can justify. You think I am the confused one, how do you do it? How can you sit there and openly come against me when you are no better? In your mind, I am blind, and of course you are right all of the time. There is nothing I can say or do that will change the way you see things so why should I bother. I am not who you are and I never will be, should I be sorry for that? Well I am not sorry.

I feel like I can't do anything right in your eyes. I feel like you just want to pounce on me, on my every move just so you can find something that you disagree with. Go ahead, kick me when I am down, if that is what it takes to make you feel better, then do that. I can't be like you. And I really don't want to either. I will never be good enough for you. I can bear my soul and lay all that I am out on the table and it's still not going to be enough, so I give up.

Please tell me what it feels like to be in your shoes. I want to know what sensations you feel as you walk over people like me the way that you do. Your words are hurtful and I sit here waiting for you to take me down again. I mean, I know that you are perfect and that I am the only person on this planet that has issues. I am hurt. You try to cage me like I am some wounded animal and I am hurt. Just go your way and I will go mine!

...this is the turmoil that I get to feel when you come against me the way that you do. I hate feeling this way. I hate crying as much as you have made me cry. I hate that I have given you this much power over my state of mind. I do not belong to you and I am not going to give you the power that you have tried to take. My family and I have moved on, its time for you to do the same. Leave me, my kids and my girlfriend alone. Leave all my family alone, leave my siblings alone and leave anyone that I am associated with alone! Go bug someone else, I don't have time for your judgmental disapproval on how I should live and breathe to meet your standards. I can't meet them, nor do I want to.

I want to cry.

Journal 10/12/10

Well, its Tuesday morning, 7am, and the kids are fed and ready for school, yet we still have an hour before we have to leave. I like having time in the mornings to actually take my time.

Last year I had to be at school by 7am, that was rough because I had to get the kids up so much earlier and get them to their daycare before I got to my school at 7am. I had no time in the mornings last year and had to be a drill sergeant. This year I don't work till 9am and I get up at 6am, I have a three hour window compared to last year. I would get up at 530 last year, shower get the kids up at 6am then be in the car at 615am. there was just no time, and the kids HATED it, as did I.

All that said, I can just relax, drink my coffee, maybe even two cups then slowly get ready for work. Oh wait, I am ready, ha-ha. I guess its 2 cups of coffee today.

Yaaaay!

Journal 10/7/10

Well, Here I am, sitting here pondering things. I am not sure where I am going with this journal entry, but at least I am writing on a day when things don't feel like they are pushing in against me and crushing me under their weight.

I have been sick for about a week. I went to church and this guy sits behind me and sneezes on me, and I was like, ewwwwwww that was gross. Then he sneezes like 10 more times and I am so grossed out that I move my seat to the other side of the church to get away from him. And the next thing you know, I am sick and have had this mans cold for a week now. I even missed work yesterday because I felt like death rolled right over me and I simply needed to get some rest.

I feel better today. The kids are doing well and Sarah is Amazing. I have a blessed life and I am so happy to be where I am in this season in my life. I really do love my life. My job is good, my family life is good, I don't have alot of friends, but the ones that I do have are solid friends who are as devoted to me as much as I am to them. Things are good.

It was a dark season for such a long time in my life, and I still have hauntings from my childhood. Every time I hear something on the news about a kid that is being abused or when I hear about some predator on the loose, it takes me back to that horrible place when I was a kid....its still hard for me to cope with those monsters that haunted me for all those years when I was just a kid. I still find myself sobbing at times and cowering in a corner. I can still smell the stench of those horrible monsters at times and it is wearisome. But I have been able to manage things better now. Its still very hard to be me, but I am able to find joy in the little things when these feelings of despair come in to haunt me.

I do wish I were able to trust people more, but I just cant. You can't live the hell that I lived and walk away from it untarnished. When you go through the things that I have, it changes everything about you. It changes the very fiber of who you were going to be and it sends you on a different course that is nothing like what it could have been had you never experienced the pain and horrors that were experienced.

I am not the same person that I was and for the longest time, pretty much my entire life, I was afraid to face these demons in my life and I ran from them. I ran from me. But these days, things are different. I no longer run from these demons. I am facing them, they still scare the hell out of me and shake me to my core, but I am facing them. And I am no longer running from me, I am now embracing who I am and who I have become because of my experiences. And I am finding more and more that I really like who I am, and who I am becoming. I don't know what this new phase in my journey will look like, but I am not afraid to just be me.

And I know I will battle this all the time. I will go back and forth and be wishy washy because as I am becoming more and more comfortable with who I am, it makes me more vulnerable. What I mean is that in order for me to just be me, I have to become vulnerable and when that happens, then the chances of me getting hurt again are real and that scares me, but I cant run from me anymore. No matter what happens, no matter how far I run, I am still with me, so now, instead of running, I am embracing and learning to love that person who I ran from since I was a child. Because that person is an amazing person. So I am embracing me and no longer running from me.

I guess the bottom line is that I am happy and I am looking forward to discovering who I am. I have a solid support group and they help carry me when I need it. But most of the time they are just holding my hand as I continue to discover who I am and how I fit in this thing called life. Life is good.

13

Here is a new song I wrote called 13:

13


I hear you breathing at my door; my heart pounds, mouth drops to the floor.
Cold sweat begins to appear upon my bare body

Its dark, I’m scared as you come in; you say no words as you begin
I whimper cry, I sob and gasp, as you penetrate
I beg to die, don’t wanna live, as you desecrate

Now that you’ve had your way with me; you walk away; I’m still sobbing
You’ve taken who I am, and who I was, away with you
I’m full of shame; broken, scarred, blistered now, what do I do?

I live on in confusion, a dark place for me to be
Won’t hesitate to tell you, how ashamed I feel you see
This man came out to haunt me and he lives in my nightmares
I hate what he does to me and its him I really fear

But that fear from him keeps growing, as I cower in defeat
I cannot handle what he does and how he looks at me
Do they see what he is doing; do they blame that man at all?
He’s my demon, he’s a monster, its him who makes my skin crawl

So I look at everybody with these blood stained sobbing eyes
It’s hard for me to trust people, I see demons and lies
I run away in horror, I’m so guarded, there’s no trust
I know you want to hurt me, as my spirit has been crushed

I hate what happened to me, will I ever heal at all?
My life is lived in shambles, as I hide behind these walls.
I am lonely, I am weak, I am frightened to my core
I can never go back to the person who I was before!!!

Journal 10/5/10

I am sick today, it is so sucky!

Journal 10/2/10

Feels sad today. Someone close to me and who I care about doesn't believe me when I let them know I care about them. That really breaks my heart.

Journal 9/24/10

Been feeling up and down lately, nothing to intense and I am happy, but I cant seem to get a hold of my emotions, they tend to go all over the place. I feel sad, happy, frustrated, excited, stressed, content, nervous, all at the same time. Its so weird and I feel like its a roller coaster.

Interesting....(insert "ponders these feelings" here). Oh well, things are better than they ever have been, and I am blessed. Now its time for me to go to work.

Journal 9/13/10

Today is a better day, I have had conflicting emotions because of a child molesting family member. I have been all over the map because thoughts of him make me sick to my stomach and I want to vomit. He is in jail, and facing 25 to life for a 3rd strike. It wasn't molestation that put him in jail this time, it was drugs. But drugs is what he was on when he was molesting in the past. I am disgusted and angry, sad and my heart is shredded.

Journal 8/25/10

Its been hot lately, but life has been good. I don't have the time I used to have to sit down and just meditate. I do miss that. I have been sorting out so many things that happened to me as a kid, its hard dealing with it, but its been productive. I really don't know what I am writing today, I am just rambling.

My kids have been gone most of the month. Its been refreshing on one hand, but I have really missed them. This is the longest season in my life that I have not had them here with me. But its summer and they are traveling right now with family before school starts again. I miss them.

Journal 7-22-10

My kids return tonight, I have missed them. I cant wait to see them.

Journal 7/20/10

I had another panic attack today. I woke up at around 5:30 this morning and was sobbing because in my dream, I could not find my daughter Mercy. She was missing. The dream was so real and I was so powerless to find her. I was frantic, overwhelmed and desperate. I searched from house to house and at every park I could think of and everyone I tried to speak to spoke Spanish. I sobbed in helplessness as I wasn't even able to communicate with people about my missing daughter. It was so terrifying and I was so broken-hearted and crushed in the dream. My boys were helping me look for Mercy but we never found her.

And then I woke up and when I woke up, I started having another panic attack. I couldn’t stop crying, I had difficulty breathing. I took a shower so that I could at least drown out some of the sobs in the pouring water, as I tried not to hyperventilate. I hate it when I have panic attacks. I worry about my kids. I have so little control over the elements of this world, my world, and the uncertainty of this life really leaves me forced to walk by faith even when I don’t want to. I wish the world was better, I wish it were a perfect world where no one did anything to hurt anyone else and that kids were always safe.

I don’t know what I would do if that dream ever came true… if my daughter or my sons ended up missing. I would not be able to breathe or function. I love them so very much and I hate just the mere thought of something happening to them. They are precious, they have never had to see the torments that I have had to see in my lifetime and I pray they never do. I want them safe, always safe and when I am not able to do that, even if its in a dream, it really freaks me out and I have these horrendous panic attacks.

I hate these continuing nightmares. I wish they would go away. I am grateful that I don't have them every night like I used to.

journal 6/28/10

Today was a good day.

Journal 6-28-10

Today was okay. My emotions are all over the place. I went to see Toy Story 3 and started to cry at the bonds that the characters in the movie had. I have never had those kind of friends. I wonder what that would be like.....to be close friends till the end of your life. To have someone love me so much that they would be there for me trying to comfort me even in the face of death. I want to be that way with those who are close to me.

I am sad on the inside right now. Not depressed, just a little down.

journal 6/26/10

I'm feeling conflicted internally tonight.

Journal 6/20/10

I feel so conflicted and confused inside my heart today about God, spirituality, life, death, etc. I wish I could go back to the simplicity that I felt I once had, yet it seems like that isn't something that's based in reality. I feel I can't go back, that it was just a season in my life for that time. I hate feeling so conflicted when it comes to God because He has been so faithful to me even though I have made a mess out of my life on more than one occasion.

What really sucks more than anything is facing this confliction alone because whenever I share this with other Christians who share my faith, for whatever reason, they don't get it. They either think I am lacking faith, or back-slidden, and they don't help me sort this out. Instead they expect me to not have these conflicts and just to get over it already. They expect a microwave version healing over my life and when that doesn't happen, they tell me how I am wrong or they start to pick my life apart and tell me to do this and that.

Can't someone just come along side me and carry this burden with me? I don't want to be your project, I just want a friend who I can be real with. I want a friend that wont feel threatened when I am struggling and wont walk away when whatever it is that i am going through doesn't make sense to them.

I guess that person doesn't exist in the Christian realm....which sucks! People sometimes act like I am a brand new Christian and that because I have these struggles that means that I am about to depart from my faith in God. But I have been a Christian for 20 plus years, I am not going to leave my faith, but at the same time, I am not going to be fake about it. Too many Christians act as if they don't have struggles in there life. Well guess what world, I have struggles, I have doubts, I worry, I freak out, I have panic attacks, guilt, regret, fear, etc. Am I the only Christian on this planet that have those feelings?

Why is it wrong as a Christian to be brutally honest in those areas of my life without having to defend my faith or my walk with the Lord? I don't get it.....like I said, it sucks!

Journal 6/19/10

Well, its Saturday morning, and I am tired. Lets see, the boys woke me up at 530am screaming (in fun of course) but I was not too thrilled with that. So I stumble downstairs with a not so happy look on my face, I open their door and both boys drop down and act like they are asleep. The only word I can even muster is, "Seriously?" Billy opens his eyes but Tobias acts like he is asleep. "Tobias, quit acting like your asleep, I heard you. What in the world guys? Really?" They say nothing.

Well, whenever I walk down the stairs, guess who it wakes? It wakes Mercy. So now she is up and I am like, uggg! I cant get upset with Mercy, I am the one who woke her up. So I figure, oh well, go ahead get up guys.

But Billy says, Dad, I peed the bed. I ask him, "Are you wearing a pull up?" He says yes but that it went through. I am so tired, so I strip down his bedding ad do a load of laundry, get the tub ready and bathe both boys, and geeze, since its 530 and we are all up, I bathe the girl as well.

I am tired, but have gotten alot accomplished before my 1st cup of coffee.

As much as I hate being this tired, and as overwhelming single parenting is, in a weird way, I really love all this work. There is never a dull moment and I am really grateful that I have these moments in time where I dont just sleep my life away.

Now, I need some more coffee, I need to change the laundry over and do another load, I swear the kids must be throwing their underwear away, they used to have like 80 pairs and now I cant ever find any for them to wear.

I am a blessed man!

My Someone

I want someone who will care, who will love me as I am
Someone who sees me as me, who will not run away in fear
I long for intimacy, and for a long held embrace,
I long for passionate love, one who will kiss my face

I long to be free with the one I love,
She will love my personality and desire my time
She will seek me out, and wonder how I am
Her heart will be entwined with mine

I long to share the rest of my life with this woman I adore
I want to share my desires, and share my hurts
I long to have a girl who will stand by my side
It won’t matter what storms come or how big the tide.

She will not run away, or quit when things get rough
She will be devoted to me; embracing me in love
She will understand me and the way I think
She will love my humor, love my heart so passionately.

And I in return, will do the same with her,
I will pour out all I am and really care for her.
I will praise her beauty every day and night
I will love her deeply, she will be my delight

I will ask about her day, and listen as she speaks
I will comfort her when she is feeling weak
I will show her just how she is the world to me
I will embrace her; hold her, love her more than I love me

And the funny thing is, this girl was already in my life
Yet I went years without knowing that she was Mrs. Right
And I have now found what I was looking for
My Sarah Jo is the woman that I really adore

With her in my life, everything is complete
She fulfills all my desires, and she satisfies me.
I have written these words, they are honest and true
Sarah, you’re my angel and I am in love with you!

Okay

Okay!
I’m told it’s not okay to be lonely; it’s not okay to be stressed.
It’s not okay to have worries; it’s not okay to be depressed.
It’s not okay to be angry; it’s not okay to have fear.
It’s not okay to have your feelings; it’s not okay, do you hear?

It’s not okay to be hungry; it’s not okay not to eat.
It’s not okay to think too much; it’s not okay for you to grieve.
It’s not okay for you to mess up; it’s not okay for you not to pray.
It’s not okay to weep and wail; it’s simply not okay.

All I hear from you all the time; is how what I feel is not okay.
I’m told I’m always to be happy; if I’m not I’m spiritually decayed.
It’s not okay for me to be wounded; it’s not okay for me to hurt.
It’s not okay for me to hate death; and not okay to feel like dirt.

The things you think I’m doing wrong; to you is not ideal.
You’re telling me to be less human; telling me not to be real.
And if I do just as you say; then I’ll be just like you.
Yet even you don’t do as you say; now what do I do?

I think I want to sob and grieve; I think I want to stress.
I can do this and be a Christian; does not mean I’m oppressed.
Its okay for me to sorrow; its okay for me to cry.
It’s okay if it takes years; to heal when someone dies.

So now I sit here dazed, confused; my mouth dropped open wide
No matter what I say or do, to you, Christ I deny
So as I sit before the Lord; with nothing much to say.
He says my son, don’t you worry; to Me, you are okay!

Quote of the Day

“When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.”

Journal 4/11/10

What a week. I had the love of my life here with me. We spent a few days with the kids then we went to Seattle and then onto Canada. I have never in all my life been so radically in love in the way that I am now. I feel all giddy inside. And yet when my love had to fly back to California today, the air got so thick that I could hardly breathe. I miss her so much and yet its only been a few hours. I am hopeful though, as I know our circumstances of being apart are only on a temporary basis.

I love you Sarah, you have captured my heart in ways that even surprise me. I can't wait until our home is in fact that, Our Home, Together.

In the meantime, I will do my best not to be sad and cry, so far so good, well at least in the crying part, I am sorta sad, but I know its just a short-term thing.

On a side note, when crossing the border to get into Canada, Sarah and I had asked if we could get our passports stamped and the guy was like super friendly and said to go inside and hand the other guy this paper that he gave us and that they would stamp it. we were so excited. but when we got inside, OMG, the guy was so freakin rude and mean and he interrogated us, and searched us and questioned us and searched our car. He was mean. And after keeping us there like we were some guilty terrorist, he finally let us go and refused to stamp our passports. That was the only downside to this last week and yet even in the midst of it, my Sarah was able to keep me calm and at peace. I love how she does that.

journal 3/28/10

Today my girlfriend goes to New York for a week. I am so happy she gets to go. What a blessing it will be for her to experience a part of American culture that she would normally not be able to experience. She will be able to meet up with old friends and visit with her sister who is going with her, that's so incredible. I hope she cherishes this time for years and years. I hope the memories she creates this week will be something that brings a smile to her face for the rest of her life.

But I have mixed feelings if I am to be honest. I mean, I want her to go. I want her to have the time of her life, she deserves that and I would be so sad if she were not able to experience this trip. But I will miss her so much. She is my rock, and my sanity. I love her in so many ways and on so many levels because she gets me, she understands me and she loves me as I am. But I will miss her terribly even though its only a week. I mean, I already miss her.

Its not the end of the world, I do hope that she has the best time of her life. I am so happy for her. I do pray that she is safe the whole time, for the entire trip. And by this time next week, Lord willing, she will be in my arms...how I long for that moment. I love my Sarah so much. :)

Bill

Journal 3-25-10

So I sit here waiting, wondering when the day will come when we will be together. I know that its upon the horizon, that its on its way, but waiting, lets just say I am not so good at it. I desire more than anything to hold you, to see your smile in person and to be able to hug you when you need it. I miss you. I am excited for what is to come, I just wish it were sooner. I love you.

Journal 3-20-09

Well, its Saturday and I find myself sitting here wondering what I am going to do for the day. I kinda already know as I have to run to the store to get some food to feed my kids. I am working on my third load of laundry, and should have that caught up in a few hours. Billy is up from nap and is playing video games while Tobias and Mercy are still down for their naps.

Yes they still take naps, I need them to, lol. It keeps me sane and makes them so much more delightful to be around, lol.

Its quiet right now and I am not used to it. I do like it but then I don't either. I am off of school for a week, that's good, and I am going to work more hours, (hopefully), which is also good.

There you have it. That's all I got. I have nothing else really to say today.

Journal 3/18/09

it was 7 years ago that I was told by a doctor to go home and wait for my son Tobias to die. I am so glad they were wrong.

Thank you Lord, for the last 7 years with my son and for all the future times with him and my other kids as well.

Journal 3/7/10

Grace - How can I ever express the gratitude I have when it comes to the grace that God has shown me? I feel so lost so much of the time when it comes to who Jesus is and how much He genuinely embraces my broken and messed up soul. I long to be in that intimate place where I can see the face of Jesus clearly, to behold His glory and to be made into His image.

Yet I find myself so far from this desire much of the time. Grace, I would be lost, no, I would be totally devastated without it. For it is God's grace alone that enables me to move forward and to come to Him when I feel I cant. His grace enables me to come to Him when shame tells me to run in the other direction. And I feel so much shame these days, I have so much fear and when I think about how God loves me from the inside out and how all His anger and frustration that He would ever have towards me was poured out on His son, it causes me to question why it is that I still feel inadequate before the Lord?

It's not that I am in a bad place in my life. I am happy, things are better than they have been in a long time. I am in love. I have three incredible kids too but I struggle so deeply with the issue of intimacy with the Lord, with the church, and I don't want to water-coat how I feel or where I am at. Its a struggle, a real one, one that I have had to endure alone and will have to continue to figure out alone. I just cant take people telling me that I have to do this and that for me to feel what I desire because all I feel when I do those things is total devastation and abandonment. And that puts me in a far worse place than I was previously in.

I don't want to discredit what I am told, but it just doesn't work for me. I am of a different mold than most normal people, I have more issues in my heart, I struggle with trust more than most people because of the stuff I have had to endure in my life time. The words, "Just trust in the Lord Bill" is not enough for me. It just isn't.

I guess the bottom line is that I just feel so distant and desire to be more intimate with God yet I am so hurt by the church body and the lack of love I have experienced, I struggle with all the rejection I have encountered and it hurts deeply.

But all is not lost. I know God is good and that is not a cliche phrase either. I know that when all else fails, when Gods people fail me as they have, when I fail others, as I have, I still know that God is good and that He loves me. And hopefully one day all this will get sorted out.

Until then, I will just continue on as I am until I can get to that place that I desire, if its even possible.

Journal 3/6/10

I had a GREAT day with the kids. i took them to the forest and walked on some trails. It was a lot of fun.

Journal 3-5-10

Its Friday, I am looking forward to the weekend. I don't know why though, lol, its not like I will have a break, I still have to work, and be a parent, but at least i wont have to deal with school for 2 days. But things are good....i can't really complain.

Journal 2-23-10

As I sit here, I ponder the road that my life has taken me on. I never dreamed I would be where I am today. Its not bad, not at all, its just that I never could picture being in this place. I have conflicting emotions. I am happy, I really am, yet I still find that I miss so many of the old times, I miss the connections I had with people in the different stages in my life. I feel like I am so far from the person I once was, and again, that's not a bad thing, its just different.

I have more fear now than I have ever had in the past. I was more confident in the past where I just am not as confident. I mean, I and not so afraid and lacking confidence that I will hide in corner and weep in hysteria, but its just different.

I know its because I am in a new chapter in my life, and its a GREAT chapter, but the unknown is scary and it makes me miss the times when things were known by me, when i had confidence and when i was sure of my destiny.

Now most of what I do comes down to living by faith. And I am not even trying to be spiritual when I say that. I have to live by faith that becoming self employed will work out. I have to live by faith in so many areas of my life; with my kids and being a father, a student, a boyfriend, a band member. So much uncertainty, so many things on the horizon that can radically change my life and take it in a different direction. Its just a different place to be. i do look forward to it, but while I am in this uncertain state, i miss the certainty that I once felt I had.

All is well though. I am a happy person. I am blessed. I just have been contemplating things more and more the last few days. I want to be a person who is loved and who loves everyone I come into contact with. I hate failing at even the smallest things. I value the relationships that are in my life right now and I hope I never lose them.

So yeah, there you have it. These are my thoughts right now.

Journal 12/30/09

I am so blessed. I have my wonderful kids, my incredible band, and my girlfriend who all make me feel so loved. I am a blessed man.

journal 6/25/09

today is a better day.....

Journal 6-23-09

I can't seem to shake my feelings of dispair that i have been having since saturday. I am not sure why I am so depressed, if the knotts were not in my stomach then it would be bearable.

Please make the bad man go away....!!!

Journal 6-21-09

Welcome to my hell. This is a place where the free are locked up and alone, but thats ok. I would rather be here alone where no one can get in and hurt me than to be out there with the world stomping on my heart. I understand that its human nature to do and say things that are careless and mean at times, so i dont hold any grudges against anyone at all. But its time to be a hermit. I dont want to get into a place where I dont like people, I would rather have the feelings of dispair and feelings of isolation than to start to despise people.

I am in a place where I no longer feel much. I do feel numbness and thats kinda nice. And I am in a place where I just dont care anymore about alot of things. I just dont care. There was a time when I actually did care, and I am sure in the far future I may care again, but for now, the walls are up and will be up for a while.

I sit here on my couch by myself cuz I would rather be alone than deal with or talk to people. I know that most my blogging seems to be more on the down side of the scale, but that's where i am at when i am in the mood to write. It doesn't mean I am always down, cuz I'm not, but it does mean when I write I am in that mood.

I have learned alot over the last 6 months, and I have changed my position on alot of things. I now believe that nothing last forever, and with that, its important to take in and cherish what you have because like the wind or a flower that blooms in the hot sun, it will quickly fade and you may never see it again. So cherish the moments in time that you are actually able to smile, because it wont last.

fear is my new friend, as i fear I will be one who dies alone. thats my lot.....

Journal 3/26/09

I am so depressed and my heart is broken. My friends son took his life on Monday, he was 25 years old. How I hate this world, it is so messed up and filled with disaster and grief. How I grieve with my friend. How I mourn alongside him and sob with him.

Oh God, please bring comfort to Craig and Roxanne. Please take this disaster, this nightmare, this horrendous heart wrenching tragedy and receive glory in teh midst of this. Please have mercy Jesus and please hold my friends and carry them through this. You are the only one who can give them peace in the midst of what they are experiencing....

I am so depressed and my heart is broken....

Journal 3/8/09

What is happening in my life? I feel so far away from who i thought I would be. I feel lost, consumed in loneliness and I feel like such a failure. I want to go back to that time when things were simple. I want to meet with Jesus again like I used to. I feel like my heart is so hard these days towards the Lord. I hate who I am and hate where i am.

Oh Jesus, please forgive me for everything I have done. I am a mess and my life apart from you has been a disaster. I don't know what to do. I feel like Peter who at one point took a step of faith and stepped out of the boat and started to walk on water, but then he began to sink. I don't feel like I have ever had the faith to walk on water, but i do feel like I am sinking in the oceans of regret and despair.

I am in a place now where I no longer can just return to the former days, they are long in the past, buried in another life. I need a new encounter with you Jesus. I am sinking, my life is a mess and the only way I can ever recover from my brokenness is by your hand reaching down and consuming me once again. I want to be consumed by you again.....how do I get to that place from where I am currently? I feel dead on the inside, a walking corpse with nothing to offer.

I don't know what to do Lord. I am lost without you and I don't like the way life is anymore. I want what I once had. I want to be a godly man, yet I find I do not have the power or consistency that godly men have.

I am lost, I am desperate, I am alone.

journal 2-7-09

Being unemployed sucks. I have never been unemployed and its hard getting up and not knowing what the day holds. But God is in control and i trust Him. Thats all i got for now....

Journal 1/19/09

I am so tired today. I can barely keep my eyes open. I wish I had more strength. But I dont, I am wiped out completely.

I need some sleep.

journal 12-19-08

As the year draws to a close, I cant help but feel the pain of the unexpected that has happened. Could things have been worse this year? Probably, but as the old Oregon saying goes, "it is what it is!"

I guess its time to just deal with the hand that has been dealt. Oh well.

Journal 12/4/08

Its time for another break on life. I am so burned out. See ya!!

Journal 12-3/08

I am numb.

Thoughts

My oldest son and I have been talking alot lately. Its been so refreshing and nice.

Journal 11/26/08

Not much going on these days. Just have to get the kids ready tonight to head over to the X-laws for thanksgiving. I have alot of driving to do this weekend, and that is not something that I am looking forward to. My car is acting up. I need to take it in the shop, but when?

Tired

This is just a poem I wrote, dont read too much into it.....lol, its just a poem. I am not telling my friends to not call me, lol. I just wrote a poem only. Bill

I am tired. I am weak, I am overwhelmed and want to sleep.
I feel dead, I want to cry, I wish I could be alone and die
All this pain, all this hurt, fills my life, I feel like dirt
But I don’t care, I am depressed, I will live on, in my distress

People lie, they say they care, but their actions only cause despair.
And though I try to do what’s right, I always fail them in their sight.
I just cant, live for them, its to draining, as they condemn
So I will simply take a break, don’t bother me, for its too late.

Leave me alone, I done with all. Don’t bother me, and please don’t call.
I will live without you all, you have hurt me, there’s now a wall.
Its up high and built of stone, its purpose is for you, to leave me alone.
I am tired, I am weak, I am overwhelmed and want to sleep.

Journal 10/30/08

I am tired of people putting words in my mouth. You know who you are, please stop.

Journal 10/28/08

Today is a good day although I am tired and sleepy. I am getting ready for my band to go into the studio the 1st week of December and I am really looking forward to it. We have worked so hard to get to this place and I hope our songs are solid and record worthy. Time will tell. I cant wait to start playing shows.

Journal 10-23-08

It has been a long time since I have written in my journal so frequently and consistently. You would think I would be exhausted by now, but so far so good. The single dad thing has not been to rough yet. I am not so foolish to believe that it wont get hard, but so far so good.

My kids are GREAT kids. They have such tender spirits and I am so blessed by them. Although, we went out to eat last night and I was so jealous. The kids devoured their food, they ate fast and they ate a lot. Not sure why they wont do that at home, lol. Actually I am pretty sure I know why……I hate cooking and they hate eating my cooking…..lol. Billy order macaroni and cheese, yet he wont eat mine. Come on now, I know my Mac and Cheese doesn’t taste that bad. Its from a box! My goodness, I actually do follow the directions.

Maybe I should open the box next time instead of cooking the noodles in the box? What do you think?

Things will balance out soon, I am sure. At some point in time, I will discover a food that they will eat…..until then……poor kids…hahaha.

Journal 10/22/08

You know what? I am pretty anxious right now. I don’t know why, I just am. As I sit here thinking upon life, and what matters, my heart goes all over the place. Brokenness? Anger? Fear? Love? Passion? Sympathy? These are the things that cross my mind. This world is harsh. This world wants to devour humanity and the enemy of our souls is on the prowl waiting to crush all in his path. Yet there can still be beauty from ashes. You can still fall in love. You can love and be loved. You can still be there for those who have been hurt by the harshness of this world. Not all things that look bad are hopeless, thee is hope, its just not in this world.

So I am looking at things from this perspective as I write these words and if anyone I love is sick, or hurting, or reaping what they have sown, will I walk away from them? What if they have cancer? Or worse yet, what if they have HIV? Would I abandon the ones I love because of that? The answer is no. I am not going to leave you in your pain. I cant say I can be there in total perfection, but I will be there; because there will come a day when I will need you as well, that’s just a reality. We need each other to make it in this world. And if we cant be there for the ones we love, then shame on us. Shame on you and shame on me.

This dark world would be a better place if we would love as Christ loves. We have so much to offer the world. And this world has a lot to offer as well. Too bad the world only offers pain, suffering, disease, sickness, fear, anxiety, and hopelessness. But we, as believers in the living God, have something to offer the world. We can offer it love, stability, peace of mind, compassion, grace, tenderness, mercy, love and more love. We have an unlimited supply of Agape love that we can tap into and pour out upon those who have been devoured by the merciless one. We can be there for those in need. Will we rise to such an occasion? Only you can answer that for yourself. Only I can answer that for me.

I will not abandon those I love. Just know that. If you need my shoulder to cry on, then use it, I am here for you, no matter what this world may have done to you, I will be here for you. And if for whatever reason I cant be here for you because of my humanity and my failure as a human being, then I know the Lord Jesus can be here for you.

I have no idea why I am writing this, its just where my heart and mind is at the moment. I just want those of you who are hurting and in need to know that I am here if you need me. If its doesn’t matter 1000 years from now, then it doesn’t matter. I desire to major on the major and minor on the minors. I just hope I can live this way. I desire it, now its time to do it.

Jesus, please help me to live in a way that brings You honor. I have failed so many times in the past, but today is a new day, please help me to be there for those who you have placed in my life. Please give me a heart of tender compassion for people. I need you empty me of myself Lord and to replace me with your Spirit. Please do this in my life….I am desperate for You God. In Jesus name I ask you to give me a heart of compassion….Amen.

My Thoughts

I am glad that Jessica and I are still friends.

Journal 10/21/08

My heart is getting hard.

Journal 10/20/08

So yesterday, I helped Jessica move into her new apartment. Its actually a cute little place with a nice view. So today is the 1st official day that we live out our separate lives. Though we are already divorced, the stamp of permanence was placed on it yesterday. And its both liberating and hard. I am looking forward to organizing the house in a way that works for me. It is now time to de-clutter. I got the living room almost done yesterday and had started working on the kitchen and dining room when I just ran out of time and energy. So hopefully I can get some more of it done tonight after I feed the kids and get them in the bath then down for bed. I have a feeling it will take a lot longer than I want, but that’s ok. I am determined to get the house clutter free and looking good.