So in my warped reality, I see two options. I can either keep this heartless wall around me so that I don’t experience suffering again (This wall causes others to suffer as I am only blinded to their suffering by my choice), or I can ask Jesus to remove this wall that I have labored with all my might to put up. And if I ask Jesus to remove the fruit of my labor that will in turn expose my broken and wounded heart to the world and they will see who I really am; they will see how wounded I truly am and I don’t know if I can place myself there again. I don’t want to be put on display. I don’t want to have my heart displayed before the world as I don’t want to be vulnerable ever again. This is such a dilemma.
Yet at the same time if I do not allow myself to be vulnerable, then I am hurting the very ones that I love. Why is this so difficult? I hate feeling desperation. I hate losing control and if I let the Lord remove these walls, then I have lost all control. But the truth is that by putting this wall around my heart, I have already lost control. The only difference now is that I have not yielded control to my Savior, but to myself, and the fruit of this is isolation and callousness. What a mess! My heart is injured and I have put a wall up to protect myself from harm and that same wall prevents anyone from getting close enough to heal the wounds that terrorize my heart. The wall of protection prevents the Lord from healing me. It’s a wall of agony.
So now what do I do? I have this hard cold calloused wall around my heart and I have trapped myself within its walls. I have labored relentlessly over the past 2 ½ years to build this wall and now I suffer as I am so hard hearted.
I see my heart as a little plant that had the potential of growing into a tall fruitful tree that can shade many from the scorching sun. Yet all around this little plant (my heart) there are thorns hurting and choking it. And I feel the life being choked out of me from all the wounds inflicted upon me. So I logically build a wall to keep the thorns out. And once the wall was constructed and finished, it really did work. All the thorns that hurt me are gone. All the pain that came against me was no match for this invincible wall. Do you know why? Because the thorns of pain can’t penetrate this wall. Nothing can! And that is the problem. The sun can’t either nor the wind and so even though I am protected from the thorns; I am not able to blossom as there is no light in this dark and damp space. So instead of growing; I am shriveling up.
This heart of mine that has the potential of growing into a tall tree is a little shrub that is so weak now that it couldn’t tear down the wall even if it wanted to. The lack of the sun has hurt this plant more than the thorns and now if it’s left to itself, this shrub will die.So unless the Lord tears down this wall, I have no hope. I will not only remain calloused, but in the end this wall of protection will lead to my death. My heart will fail if the Lord of Glory doesn’t come to my aid. I am well aware that He can and I am sure that He will. I am just stating the fact that if I am left alone, I will die in a hard and calloused state.
T
he irony is that I built up a wall to protect me from suffering. And this very wall now causes more suffering than anything ever has as it isolates me and it slowly sucks the life out of me. What do I do? I am totally helpless now. I can cry out but my heart is in such a poor state that I don’t feel anymore. I have no strength to cry out. I have no desire to cry out as all my strength is spent on breathing alone. I lay here shriveled up and gasping for my next life’s breath and that is all that I do. That is all I can do. All emotion has been sucked out of me like water through a straw. I need the sun again. I need the SON again. There is nothing that can break down this wall, nothing but God Himself. Knowing about Him won’t remove this wall. Hearing about him won’t help, as this wall is sound proof and I am so weak that even if it wasn’t sound proof, I do not have the strength to hear. My leaves are all shriveled and I am left as a slouching lifeless stem. God alone is the only one who can help me now. 
Please help me God! Don’t abandon me as I know you love me more than words could ever express. Please take these walls and crush them to dust. Please be my source of life once again. Please allow the Son to penetrate through the hardness of these walls and bring the warmth that this heart needs. I need the power of Jesus in my life again. But that isn’t enough. It’s not your power that I need, it’s YOU! I need you to remove this wall, and care for this shrub and nourish me back to health again. I need your hands to do the work. I need to feel your breath upon my lifeless heart as you prune and bring me back to life. Help me Lord to flourish as I simply yield my lifeless heart to You. Please help me!Bill Scott, Sr.
