My heart has had so many ups and downs that I have completely lost count. One minute I feel as if I am able to stand on top of the world and the next minute I feel as if I am in the darkest dirtiest place on the planet. My heart deceives me. My heart craves for unrighteousness and it does all that it can to convince me that unrighteousness is what I need. And too many times I give into my own temptations thinking that I will ultimately be satisfied. And the end result EVERY time is that I am not even close to satisfied. Why do I buy into the lies that my heart of wickedness proclaims?
I have had a good couple of days with the Lord. I am not claiming that I have my act together, that would be so far from the truth. But I have actually taken the time each morning and studied His word. I have taken out my commentaries and I have spent some long over due time with the Lord and in His word. It really is refreshing. I really desire to do this more often. I long to be a man who meditates and engages in intimate communion with the Master. I desire for the Lord to be my all in all yet most of the time I am so full of myself that there is no room for the Master to dwell.
I have been thinking about how in the Word of God we are told that we were bought at a price and no longer are our own. We belong to the Lord now. I belong to the Lord now. Which means a couple of things to me. Number one, I am no longer the one in charge. I have to surrender control of all the things that I struggle to control. For example (And this may sound stupid, but I struggle with this) I need to lose control of my family. I am not saying that I am to give up and not lead my family, but I need to be more flexible with them. I struggle with wanting things my way, like having thanksgiving in our home verses going out to eat on thanksgiving. It's a control thing and I need to let it go. As small as this sounds, it really is a huge battle for me to lose control in the slightest areas of my life. In the last 2 1/2 years, I have lost control over so many areas of my life and all I have done is fight it and try to regain control again. This is not what the Lord wants from me. He wants me to surrender control and to leave the outcome of whatever happens into His hands. And when this happens, there is a huge burden lifted off of my shoulders and joy sets in.
This brings me to point number two. My life is no longer my responsibility. God has claimed me as His own and now He is responsible for me. He is responsible and accountable to His word on my behalf. He promised that He would cleanse me and make me righteous and he has to fulfill this. He has promised to deliver me from all my sins and from the bondage of sin, and He has to fulfill this promise that He made. And you know what? He will. He is faithful and will keep his word. All I need to do is surrender to Him and He will work through my life. He will fully cleanse me, not just in the future but right now at this very moment. I just need to rest in Him.
Rest, hmmm, that is one thing that I have not had in a long time. I can't remember the last time that I simply rested in Jesus. I believe that it was before Tobias was born. Once I lost control of all that Tobias had to endure to survive, I have yet to rest. That is what I need. I need to rest in Him. I need to rest in the Master and trust that He will get me through this life of heart ache. A scripture comes to my mind for me and for my family. This scripture is what I feel my family and I need. The scripture is Philippians 3:12-16.
"12 Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. 13 Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, 14 I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
15 Therefore let us, as many as are mature, have this mind; and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal even this to you. 16 Nevertheless, to the degree that we have already attained, let us walk by the same rule, let us be of the same mind."
So often I live in defeat because I simply wont forget my past with all it's failures. I live in defeat as I agonize over all my sins. Yet I am told to forget them and to press on. Just get back up again and keep walking. This is what I desire and this is what I hope the Lord will do in me. He has promised to do so, and I believe by faith that He will do it. I know that as I labor to press on, I will find rest for my soul. As much of an oxymoron as this sounds like, I know this is true. I must labor to enter into his rest. I must press on and endure; forgetting all that I have done in the past and I need to move forward in His grace. That is what I will do. By God's grace I will walk in victory, not just today, nor tomorrow, but from here on out.
Bill Scott' Sr.
