Journal 5/17/07

Father,

You are the God of all Creation. You created the worlds without end and You deserve to be praised, and glorified. You are holy and righteous, all wise, you are without measure and know no boundaries as you O Lord are infinite. You are sovereign and all-powerful and can do what you please any way that you choose to. You are holy and Majestic. You have total and absolute moral purity and cannot sin nor think evil.

Father you are Omniscience in that you possess perfect knowledge and have no need to learn anything. You know everything and I praise you that I do not need to hide anything from you. You are faithful and do not lie. Any and everything that you say will come to pass and I can rest in full assurance of faith as you are truth. And you are love. Your love is not just an emotion but a demonstration. You love in word and in deed. You are Omnipotent; you possess all power as your power is infinite. Your power never runs out and never need to be replenished.

You self exist. You are eternal and are complete in and of yourself. And you are self-sufficient. You have life in and of yourself. You have no needs. You don’t need help, or counsel, or food or knowledge; you have all of it. And you are full of justice. You do not conform to outside pressure and you will not be bribed.

You never change Lord. You are immutable and are the same today, yesterday and forevermore. And your mercy overwhelms me as I see that you are actively compassionate towards those whom you love and even those who hate you. And oh how you are good. You are kind, and cordial and benevolent and full of good will towards all people.You are gracious as you give GREAT gifts to those whom you love. And we do not deserve your grace. Oh God I worship you for you are Omnipresent and are everywhere all the time. You are always with me no matter where I go.

For you are Elohim, you are God of the Beginning, God of Justice, God of forgiveness, God of heights and depth, and width and length. You are God my strength, the God of all gods. You are a Holy God, a Faithful God, a Great God. You are the God of Israel, the God of heaven and Earth. You are the God of my Salvation as you are the Most High God.

You are my banner and my provider, you are my peace and my maker. And for this I worship you for there is NONE like YOU at all. I worship you my King.

I am so grateful to be yours. Thank you for being so much bigger than I could imagine or perceive. You ROCK!!!!
Bill

Thoughts

Purity and prayer daily means that God will work in my life.

Eliminate Impurity and Cultivate Prayer

This was the message on Sunday at my church. It was a good message.

Journal 5/14/07

Lord,

I wanted to sit down and write you a letter. Too often I come to you with my request or my burdens and I know that I need to do those things. But this time I want to just talk with you about whatever you desire to talk about. I am here Jesus, I sit here and I worship you while I wait for you to speak your heart to me.

How was your day Jesus? Did you do anything miraculous today? I am sure you did. What steps do I need to take to fall more in line with you? What am I not doing that I ought to be doing? What am I doing wrong; what is the root cause that could be changed to help me walk closer in line with your desires and will for me?

What is your absolute favorite thing to do? What makes you laugh? What puts a smile on your face or puts you in a silly mood? Does anything? Are you serious only? Or are you one who laughs when something is funny? What is your favorite kind of food? I know you like fish and bread because you ate it often in your Word.

Am I really one of yours? Sometimes I don’t think I am. And too often I open my mouth and insert my foot. I am such a miserable person to be around most of the time. How do I get my eyes off of what I am not and keep them on what and who you are?

I remember when you drew me that picture in the sky Lord. That was so amazing to me. The colors were so radiant and crisp. You totally blew me away and it melted my heart as I was set ablaze at your devotion to me. Can you do something like that again? Will you reach out and touch me in a way that puts your fingerprints on my soul? I want to behold you as I am held by you.

I like who I am when I am with you. I like who you cause me to be. Because the reality is that you complete me Lord. You are everything I need and truly what I desire. You are radical and I am grateful that you are real and that you love me. Please speak to me your child……I sit here and again I wait in hopes of hearing words that no one is able to speak but you alone because you are God. Here I am Lord……at this moment in time as I sit here waiting for you to either speak or to simply return for your waiting bride. Come Lord Jesus Come!

Bill

Journal 5/11/07

Dad,

There was a time when I was younger when I said that I would follow You wherever You go. I had so many traits of the Apostle Peter where I thought I would never deny You nor walk away from You. But the years have taken a toll on my passion and have quenched the flame that burned within me for so many years. I feel as if I have burned down all the bridges that You have built to me Lord. I feel as if I have forsaken You too many times. Yet I know that Your grace covers my faithlessness. I know that it does not excuse it but Your blood covers me. Oh how I want You to burn in me a flame of passion for You and Your kingdom once again. I want to flee from my religion of apathy and run in love towards You Lord. I want to be a person who simply seeks to know You. Help me draw near to You Lord.

You know Lord that many times in my barrenness when I have been in the desert places in my journey with You that there have been times I have felt that You were pure fiction. And in those times You have heard my failed petitions to serve You endlessly. You have heard my empty clatter and shallow words. Most of my petitions from me to You have failed. Not because of You but because of where my heart has been. Every boast in my heart that I have had of following after You have ended in my simple denial of You and Your power. Anything I have generated in and of myself has only left me fruitless and faithless towards You. Yet though I am faithless You remain faithful and devoted to me.

I want to SCREAM AAAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!! But it doesn’t make me feel any better. As I sit here and hate the sins that I allow to overtake me far too often. Why o’ soul do you pursue the things that can never satisfy? Why O’ why wont you surrender fully to Jesus? What are you afraid of? What is it that you are confused about? I hate you at times because you take me from the One who loves me. I hate and am so frustrated with myself because I refuse to remain in that place where I simply sit with Jesus.

How I long to be a different person than I really am. How I long to sing from the heart in passionate devotion to You Jesus as You take me from this valley into the highest of heights. I used to say that I would do anything for You and time has revealed that to not be so true. Why wont I surrender all of me fully to You Lord?

Jesus, please give me another love song for You. Give me songs of praise for You. Give me songs of surrender from my heart to You. Help me to convey not just my heart but Your heart through songs and through writing. I am so desperate. I am so needy. Yet those words “I am” can do two things. I can think of me and what “I am.” Or I can think upon the Great I AM! What a difference that makes. When my focus is removed from me and placed on You.

And what happens when I take my eyes off me and put them on You? I start thinking about things bigger than me as I get a glimpse at Your heart. I start to think about the unsaved peoples of this world.

God you alone can save the nations and can reach the people groups of the world. Please open up the doors to reach these people. You know all things and I desire to get my heart in line with Yours. I want to be like the prophet Isaiah where I cry out the words, “Woe is me! I am a man of unclean lips”, as I am undone in your presence. I want to receive the coal from your alter that deals with the specific sins that I embrace so that you can cleanse me. And then I want to hear You speak as Isaiah heard You talking among your Godhead where You said, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for Us?”

I want to be one who hears that. I want to hear Your call to the nations and I want to respond. I desire to be a man who no longer determines his own steps but answers Your call. I want to be a man who says, “Send me Lord!”

I often say that I love You Lord and it seems that You has been leading me as I ask You to bless all my plans. But I am not so sure that I have been following You. I think I have been doing what I want and following my own steps as I build my house on the sand instead of the Rock.

If that is the case, please redirect me. I repent, at least I think I do…..history would tell me no that I am not repenting but I don’t care about history or what I have done or not done in the past. I really want to at this moment in time to give You all of me. So here I am Lord. I stand here before the Great I Am and I seek Your counsel and desire to hear Your voice. You are moving in the midst of Your church and I desire at this point in time to get in line and to align my heart with Yours. Please have Your way with me.

This is my heart and my petition to You my King, my Lord, my Father and my Dad. And I come to You on the merits of Jesus….so I know You hear this petition and I know You will answer it. So here I am waiting……until I hear You say the words…..SO BE IT!

Amen!

This is true worship!!!

1 After these things I looked, and behold, a door standing open in heaven. And the first voice which I heard was like a trumpet speaking with me, saying, “Come up here, and I will show you things which must take place after this.”2 Immediately I was in the Spirit; and behold, a throne set in heaven, and One sat on the throne. 3 And He who sat there was like a jasper and a sardius stone in appearance; and there was a rainbow around the throne, in appearance like an emerald.

4 Around the throne were twenty-four thrones, and on the thrones I saw twenty-four elders sitting, clothed in white robes; and they had crowns of gold on their heads. 5 And from the throne proceeded lightnings, thunderings, and voices. Seven lamps of fire were burning before the throne, which are the seven Spirits of God. 6 Before the throne there was a sea of glass, like crystal. And in the midst of the throne, and around the throne, were four living creatures full of eyes in front and in back. 7 The first living creature was like a lion, the second living creature like a calf, the third living creature had a face like a man, and the fourth living creature was like a flying eagle. 8 The four living creatures, each having six wings, were full of eyes around and within. And they do not rest day or night, saying:

“ Holy, holy, holy,
Lord God Almighty,
Who was and is and is to come!”

9 Whenever the living creatures give glory and honor and thanks to Him who sits on the throne, who lives forever and ever, 10 the twenty-four elders fall down before Him who sits on the throne and worship Him who lives forever and ever, and cast their crowns before the throne, saying:

11 “ You are worthy, O Lord,
To receive glory and honor and power;
For You created all things,
And by Your will they exist and were created.”

We will be there one day and be able to partake in this.....oh how I cant wait!!!!

Journal 5/9/07

Father,

My heart tends to be so cold these days. I wish I were no longer in this body and in my glorified body where sin no longer dwells inside of me. Please come back for your bride. I want to be with you.....I am tired of constantly walking away from you and your presence. This body of death that I live in is so overwhelming and it is hard for me to do the right things when the darkness of my own sin and flesh consume me as they do. I am such a joke yet you love me. And your love towards me always brings me back to you. Thank you. Please help me to stay in that place where you are.

In Jesus name I pray...Amen.

Journal 5/2/07

I sit here with really nothing to say Lord. I don't really have many prayer request and that is probably to my shame. But as I write I already have request.....lol.

Please help Billy Jr to start using the bathroom in the toilet. He gets the worse rashes and we need your help Jesus. I don't know how to potty train him. And giving him enimas gets old quickly. Please heal his scared mind and whatever it is that he thinks about which causes him to not go. Please heal him.

I pray for Jessica that you would give her grace with homescooling and balancing work and raising the kids and all that she does. Please help her to sit with you and to embrace you in the midst of chaos.

I pray for Tobias and I thank you that he is totally potty trained. I do ask that if you are willing that he would not have autism. But if he does please prepare Jessica and I for that.

I pray for Mercy and I ask that you would raise her to be passionately sold out to you Jesus. Please protect her from the trash in this world and use her for your glory.

I pray for the high school kids and I ask that you would take a hold of their hearts and transform them into people sold out to their God......

In Jesus name I pray.....Amen!

update

Well, my wife and my son did the march of dimes on Saturday and the organization in Portland raised more that a million bucks. Again I want to say thank you for those who donated and for those who prayed. You all are so awesome.

Now I can get back to my normal journal.

Bill

From my wife

4 days left!

Dear Friends and Family,

This Saturday is the March of Dimes, WalkAmerica! Walkathon. Many of you have poured out your love, words of encouragement, and financial support as well. I am so grateful for everything. I am only $50 away from my goal, and was hoping to see if anyone else was interested in helping me raise support.

We have been unbelievably blessed, much to our amazement. These past few months have been extremely emotional for me, as I have been recalling the experience that we had to endure. As well as the joy that we feel now, as we gaze upon our miracle child. Unfortunately, every year millions of families aren’t able to experience the intense feeling of awe and wonder when watching their miracle baby. With your support we can work to change that. March of Dimes is about researching, finding ways to prevent premature births and babies born with birth defects and serious health issues. As I’ve said in previous updates, Premature Births are the #1 cause of death in newborns today. My goal, my mission is to help spare families of that sorrow.

If you haven’t yet, please read my son’s story. You can read about it here:

www.jessicascott00.blogspot.com/2007/02/miracle-that-is-my-son.html

I implore you to find it in your heart, to donate to this amazing cause. It doesn’t need to be a grand amount of money. $1.00 if that’s all you can spare. Just know that you’ve helped a cause that is working to transforms lives around the world.

My personal donation page is: here: http://www.walkamerica.org/personal_page.asp?w=700715
Unfortunately, it’s too late in the game for me to accept anymore checks, as they wouldn’t get here in time. And for that I apologize. I can still take credit card, paypal, and debit card as a method of payment.I thank you, for your support. Both financially, and prayerfully. It’s with your help that we can a make a difference in the world.

Sincerely,

Jessica Scott.

You are worth it Jesus, You really are!!!

Sometimes my life doesn’t make sense at all. Sometimes the mountains seem so overwhelming and so big compared to my little, tiny, insignificant faith. The darkness seems to consume me as the blisters on my sin-stained soul over power my faith and cause me to weep in bitter lament and agony.

I wake up in the middle of the night in the darkest of darkness only to realize that it is not night at all, it is noontime and yet the walls around me are so dark that I confuse the darkness that I am in, that is imbedded in my heart with the darkness of night. It is in these times that I call out to You Jesus. Jesus, please come to me, Your child. I need Your hands of mercy and Your heart of pity to embrace my calloused and scarred heart. Please hold me and help me to embrace Your nail scarred hands of mercy.

I feel like a leaf that is circling in the wind as it is blown from one place to another; tossed to and fro. I tremble in weakness and solitude; trembling as I fumble in the darkness that consumes me. I am bitterly cold as the chill in my heart grips me and causes me to feel all alone. Yet You are with me. And though I can’t see clearly at all, I cry out in passion to the One who loves me. And You bid me to come. You bid me to lay aside the weights; to lay them down; to surrender them once and for all.

But surrender isn’t natural for me. I tend to fight for what I don’t really want and would rather carry this weight than embrace what You have given me freely; and what I desperately need. I have beaten my head against so many walls in my life that I have fallen to the floor on my knees weeping and crying as I beg You Jesus to simply hold me and to free me from this weight that snares me.

And in Your faithfulness, You do embrace me. And You do hold me. And as I sit here in Your presence, unbeknownst to me, You remove the weights that have weighed me down. And You have replaced them with wings. My labor is no more. I can fly under the power of the wind beneath my wings; Your Spirit is that wind. And now I can run the race yet I do not need to run, I get to soar under the power of the Holy Spirit as He takes me to places that are higher than life.

Oh Praise be to the Lord who has taken the weights off and empowered me to no longer be tossed to and fro in the whirlwind but rather He has given me the ability to use the winds of life as a tool to simply fly higher and higher as I go deeper and deeper into His presence. I thank You Jesus for the life that You have given me. You are worth it all. All the sweat, the toil, the labor, is worth it if only to get a little glimpse of you. You are worth it. And though I may only get a taste here and a glimpse of You there, once this race is over, I will get to see You in all Your glory!

Oh how I long for that day!

Journal 4/20/07

So many times we lose sight of the big picture. I am so guilty of being a man who gets lost in the details and I completely lose sight of the goal. Am I in the race to win? Or am I just running in circles? Am I running at all? The Apostle Paul said that he had finished his race and how I want to be a man who can say those very words as well. I desire to finish the race that the Lord has set before me.

Too often I get distracted by other things that I forget that I am in a race. I want to run in a way that causes me to soar. I have been contemplating life these last couple of days. We really have no idea when our time will be up. Today could be the last day we have on this planet. We may only have one more hour to live. We simply do not know. And how I want to be right with my Creator and how I want to be found doing what is right when my number is up and it is time for me to leave my pilgrimage and head home.

One of the last words of one of the victims sent in an email before she died in the Virginia Tech Massacre was:

Don’t let the wind blow you away…..

These words haunt me. Am I being blown away by the whirlwind? Am I like chaff that the wind blows away. Am I like a flower that springs up but has no root and when the sun comes out it scorches me and I am blown away by the wind? Or will I be a man who trusts in the Lord and OBEYS him even in the midst of adversity? Will the wind blow me away? The wind blew 32 people away at Virginia Tech. They did not know that their number was up. One knew, that horrible wicked man who took the lives of these people. But the other 32 did not wake up knowing that they only had a few hours left on this side of eternity.

Perspective. I wonder what they would have done differently if they knew they only had moments left until their journey was over. Because who knows, your journey or mine could end at any moment. What would you do differently if you were to die in 1 hour? May I challenge you to do those very things. Do the things that matter. It has been said that if it doesn’t matter 1000 years from now then it doesn’t matter at all. That is so true. That is looking at the big picture. If it wont matter in eternity then it doesn’t matter.

Are you distracted? I am. Are you running the race? If not let’s join hands and run together. We only have one shot in this life and then its over. Run, Run, RUN the race! Don’t just run the race to get to the finish line, but run to win the race!

Don’t let the wind blow you away…..

Journal 4/19/07

What can I say? I am actually surprised at how I am feeling with the shooting. I always joke with my wife and tell her that I am a guy, I only have one feeling and it is usually hunger. Yet my heart is so broken for the tragedy that took place at Virgina Tech.

My prayer is that the Lord would be glorified in the midst of this and that we as people especially Americans would see the frailty of life and the importance of surrendering our lives to the Lord Jesus Christ. I am angry, and heart broken. I am reminded of a scripture in Proverbs.


Proverbs 29:16
When the wicked are multiplied, transgression increases; But the righteous will see their fall.

Psalm 37:

1 A Psalm of David. Do not fret because of evildoers, Nor be envious of the workers of iniquity. 2 For they shall soon be cut down like the grass, And wither as the green herb. 3 Trust in the Lord, and do good; Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. 4 Delight yourself also in the Lord, And He shall give you the desires of your heart. 5 Commit your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him, And He shall bring it to pass. 6 He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light, And your justice as the noonday.

7 Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him; Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, Because of the man who brings wicked schemes to pass. 8 Cease from anger, and forsake wrath; Do not fret--it only causes harm. 9 For evildoers shall be cut off; But those who wait on the Lord, They shall inherit the earth. 10 For yet a little while and the wicked shall be no more; Indeed, you will look carefully for his place, But it shall be no more. 11 But the meek shall inherit the earth, And shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace. 12 The wicked plots against the just, And gnashes at him with his teeth. 13 The Lord laughs at him, For He sees that his day is coming. 14 The wicked have drawn the sword And have bent their bow, To cast down the poor and needy, To slay those who are of upright conduct. 15 Their sword shall enter their own heart, And their bows shall be broken. 16 A little that a righteous man has Is better than the riches of many wicked. 17 For the arms of the wicked shall be broken, But the Lord upholds the righteous. 18 The Lord knows the days of the upright, And their inheritance shall be forever. 19 They shall not be ashamed in the evil time, And in the days of famine they shall be satisfied. 20 But the wicked shall perish; And the enemies of the Lord, Like the splendor of the meadows, shall vanish. Into smoke they shall vanish away.

21 The wicked borrows and does not repay, But the righteous shows mercy and gives. 22 For those blessed by Him shall inherit the earth, But those cursed by Him shall be cut off. 23 The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, And He delights in his way. 24 Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down; For the Lord upholds him with His hand. 25 I have been young, and now am old; Yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken, Nor his descendants begging bread. 26 He is ever merciful, and lends; And his descendants are blessed. 27 Depart from evil, and do good; And dwell forevermore. 28 For the Lord loves justice, And does not forsake His saints; They are preserved forever, But the descendants of the wicked shall be cut off. 29 The righteous shall inherit the land, And dwell in it forever. 30 The mouth of the righteous speaks wisdom, And his tongue talks of justice. 31 The law of his God is in his heart; None of his steps shall slide. 32 The wicked watches the righteous, And seeks to slay him. 33 The Lord will not leave him in his hand, Nor condemn him when he is judged.

34 Wait on the Lord, And keep His way, And He shall exalt you to inherit the land; When the wicked are cut off, you shall see it. 35 I have seen the wicked in great power, And spreading himself like a native green tree. 36 Yet he passed away, and behold, he was no more; Indeed I sought him, but he could not be found. 37 Mark the blameless man, and observe the upright; For the future of that man is peace. 38 But the transgressors shall be destroyed together; The future of the wicked shall be cut off. 39 But the salvation of the righteous is from the Lord; He is their strength in the time of trouble. 40 And the Lord shall help them and deliver them; He shall deliver them from the wicked, And save them, Because they trust in Him.

Journal 4/17/07

With the Virginia Tech Massacre on the front pages of the news I wanted to stop for a moment and ponder this horrible tragedy. When things like this happen and lives are cut short it really breaks my heart knowing that God's orginal creation was not meant to be this way. Sin is so devistating as we all can see from the front pages of the newspapers. How I can't wait until the day that the curse will be reversed and sin is finally judged once and for all.

And yet as I say this in my heart I look inside and see my sin and then fear grips me as I don't want to stand before the Lord and give an account for all the things that I have done wrong. My heart is going in every direction right now. I know that Jesus has redeemed me, yet my emotions are still all over the place.

As I go back to thinking about Adam and Eve in the Garden, when they blew it they had no idea what the result would be. There son was a murderer. He killed his own brother. And that tragedy, that same sin has gone on all through the ages where it culminates in today's headlines that 32 were slain and another took his own life.

What this does to me is it causes me to see the urgency of telling people about Jesus. The reality is that all 33 of those people are in eternity. I do not know who were or were not Christians out of that group, but all of them are in eternity and that could be a blessing or it could be a scary thing. I wonder how many of them woke up that morning thinking that they would be in eternity that day? Probably not many of them. Probably none of them. And yet reality hits and there they are in eternity. They are either with the Lord or they are in hell. My prayer is that they are with the Lord.

Father,

Teach me to number my days. I don't know how much time I have left or how much time my friends and family have left. Please use me for your glory. Help me to get the good news out that you made a way for people to not go to hell. Time is short and we do not have much time left. Please use me as a light for your glory.

Please bring comfort to the families that have suffered this horrible tragedy. Please use this nightmare to cause those who don't know you to think about eternity and to get right with their Creator, You. In Jesus name I pray....

Amen

prayer

So I took some night time meds for allergies by mistake instead of the day time ones.....and man am I sleepy yet I am at work and have to endure. If you get a moment, please pray. I can barely breath as my nose is so plugged and I am very tired.

Journal 4/13/07

Father,

Please do a work in your people around the world. Cause us to hunger and thirst for you in ways that we never have before. Please let your holy fire fall down upon us as you ignite our passion. Use us to reach the lost, and use me Jesus to teach and bring others into your wonderful presence.

You are so holy, and pure and I am grateful that you love me. Wow.

What are you and I going to do in heaven? We will do what Adam did in the Garden of Eden. We will walk with God in the cool of the day. When we understand the bible, it is awesome what is going to happen.

In the 1st few chapters of the book of Genesis we see the creation of man and the fellowship that man had with God. We also see the fall of man. In the last chapter of the bible; chapter 22 of the book of Revelation it shows us a picture of a city which is the heavenly Jerusalem.

There is a river coming from the throne God. It shows us a place that we know as paradise. There it has the tree of life that you and I will eat from. Do you remember that tree of life that was in the Garden of Eden? When man fell, and God placed angels in front of this tree of Life to guard it so that no one could eat of it. Why?

Because in God’s mercy he did not want fallen man to live forever in their wicked and sinful bodies. So he is going to glorify you and I and then we will again have access to that tree of life. And it says in Revelation that the curse will be lifted. The curse will be reversed.

It takes the ENTIRE bible to lay down God’s plan of redemption. When you understand and can see the whole picture, it is so exciting that God is going to one day really walk with you and I. Oh I can't wait.

Come Lord Jesus!

Journal 4/11/07

My whole life I place in Your hands, God of Mercy I cry out and plead for your unfailing, never changing mercy to be poured onto my life as I humbly I bow down in Your presence. Every time I call out to You, You answer, and You come to my rescue which causes me to desire to be where You are. Be lifted high in my life, in my world, and in my soul. There is no one else for me but You Jesus because You died for me and now I live to bring You praise. All my hope is in You alone.

I need to be more consistent in my walk with You. Will You help me to walk in holiness on a regular basis? It is so easy for me to play the part but to actually live out the life that You desire me to live is a whole different story and I utterly fail. I fall miserably short.

I hate the fact that at the end of the day I stand as a fallen rebellious soul who is simply hopeless. And I have no excuse Jesus, I am unclean and that reality hits me deeply. I am so tired of making empty promises to You that I simply fail to commit myself to. What can I say? I stand here without excuse. And that is why I am coming to You Jesus. You say that I can come boldly with confidence into Your throne room to find grace in my time of need and I need Your grace. I need Your forgiveness and I need to meet with You.

I stand here, with my arms stretched out pleading for mercy. I abandon my heart as I embrace Your grace. I surrender myself once again to You as I stand here in total awe that You gave all of You for me. All I have and all that I am belongs to You now. You are the Master and I am the servant and I like it that way. Help me to serve in Your courts all the days of my life Jesus.

I love You…..in Jesus name I pray…..Amen

Journal 4/10/07

What will we do when the music stops? Will we still have that spring in our step or will we simply go to the side lines and stop dancing? When the scriptures tell us to make melodies in our hearts; can we do that when the music is not there? What will we do? Will we be those kind of Christians who live off the past work of the Lord? Will we only reminisce of the good times when the dance floor was full of life? Will we live in that place where we don’t move forward but stay in that place where we think about the past as we try to live our current life off the times of the past?

I think of the stars in heaven. You look at those stars and you say, “Wow that is a beautifully bright and shining star!” But most of us know that when we look at a star, we are not seeing the light of the star that was shining that day. The light that we are seeing could take 5 years to reach the earth.

That means that when we look at the brightness of a star and see that is it shining brightly, it could have already died. We are only seeing the light that it once had. One day we will see ultimately that it is dead but that will take some time.

I wonder how many of our walks with the Lord are built on and are living in the past. What a word for us right now. What a word for me! Are we living in our past experiences with God? Are we saying that was a great work of God? It certainly was. But what is going on today? Is our walk with the Lord like that star that is shining but is really already dead? Is it just the light of the past that we are living on that will ultimately fizzle out? Where are we at with the Lord? For me; I have been living in past glory. I have not been living on the current fresh living word of God and I fear that if I remain in this place that the light may fizzle out if it is not already dead.

The solution: Repent. That is all that I need to do. I simply need to repent and turn to the Lord. I no longer need to live in past glory but in new fresh living glory. God is so good and I am so grateful that he loves me the way in which he does. There is such a beautiful simplicity when it comes to Jesus. He really makes it easy for us to simply sit with him.

The Lord desires to do a new work in all of our lives, but we must move forward. We have to leave the dance floor of the past and move on. We MUST move forward…..will we? What will you do? We must leave the elementary things of the past and move on to the finer dances of life. The dances now can be way more intimate than ever before, as the Lord desires to take us from the fast dances of childish faith to the finer slower, intimate dances where he takes our hand and leads us in the most intricate and interwoven steps where we become one with him.

What will we do when the music stops? I don’t know about you, but I am going to get ready for the next dance…..as I wait for the Lord of the Dance.

Update

So the worship pastor of my church (Calvary Chapel Portland) called me and asked me to record one of my worship songs on their next CD. Talk about cool! that is so exciting. Please pray for me that the Lord would bless the recording. I think I will start recording this Saturday....

Also, I have new recording software and am in the process of recording my own CD. I need prayer as I have 18 original songs and I need to figure out which ones to put onto the CD. I also need prayer as I have never recorded a CD before and I am doing it all from my computer so if you could lift that up, that would be a blessing.

And lastly, I wrote a novel and I am wanting to get it published yet am clueless as to where to place it or what to do with it. So please pray for me with this as well. Thank you all very much.

Bill

Journal 4/3/07

I love Spring! What a wonderful season as the winds of change start breathing new life into the air. The winter chill is slowly dissipating as those things that appeared dead and dormant spring back to life.

What a picture of my spiritual life. So many times I am dead or dormant in my walk with the Lord and then all of a sudden the seasons change spiritually and the Lord breathes fresh new life into my weary and apathetic soul. And when those times do come I am able to see Jesus in a whole new light, as he becomes fresh or is it that he refreshes me because he is so refreshing!

But do not be deceived; spring has not yet come for me spiritually, I am still in the dead of winter and though I may not be refreshed now, I do hope for new hop in my step spiritually real soon. The Lord simply is too caring to leave me here in this place of hibernation for too long. He will come for me and when he does, all I can say is wow.

The Lord is returning and though the weight of this life is crushing at times, what a ride it will be when Jesus returns for his bride. I can’t wait……well, I have to wait, but boy do I look forward to that wonderful day! Come Lord Jesus Come!

Journal 3/28/07

Sometimes it is so hard to breath as life chokes away and clouds my mind in despair. And as I try to focus through all the fog I lose my sense of purpose until I ponder upon You in all Your glory; for I know that your eyes of fire see right through me. And I feel so ashamed. I feel so disfigured and lost. If my life is to be pictured as a painting then I feel as if my colors are bleeding all over the place. I sometimes feel trapped as if I have locked myself in a room of walls colored in despair and hopelessness. These walls are too high and yet I have locked myself in from the inside.

As a boy I would hide from the eyes that would haunt me. I ran from the fire as it chased and burned away the very core of who I was. I ran and ran as I cowered in fear and shame from the enemy that wanted to kill me. My eyes were cut away in darkness and I was unable to see and feel that I was hungry; naked and hopeless. I was so lost. I ran on broken feet until I could no longer run from the pain swelling deep inside me. I was forced to crawl. I was a beggar as I pleaded for mercy on my face. I moved in fear and despair until I came to a place where I saw You on bended knee with Your arms open.

But I am not a boy now and yet I find myself in this isolated room of darkness as I tread the waters of fear. I cry out, “Take me from all that is wrong and evil in my life! Please collapse these walls that I have labored and strained to build! Woe is me for these walls haunt me! They taunt my soul and I cannot take anymore of this! Please let these tears of mine that flood this room collapse the very walls that have strangled this life of mine. These walls crush me and I can no longer contain myself.”

So I stumble through the darkness and as I swim in my tears. I struggle and gasp for air as the torrents flood and drench my tear stained face. It is in this place of utter misery and fear that I look and see a small light. And in my minds eye I can see that You are that light that is here with me. Your light shines in the midst of the misery that entails my soul. I am afflicted, I am torn, I am in a place of utter desolation and Your light is here shining upon the horizon of my life. So I start to follow Your light as I again swim. Oh how Your light shines. I frantically splash and strain as I move through the crashing waves to find a way out of this room that I have built and locked myself into.

I feel the power of darkness as it tries to overtake me. And though the mountains fall upon me yet I will trust in You. For who have I but You? The Lord is the light of my salvation and the strength of my life. Who shall I fear O Lord? Of whom shall I be afraid? You are my comfort and my sustainer. And in You alone do I trust, even when I feel as if I am alone, I will place my trust in You alone! Praise be to God the Father through the blood of His Son Jesus Christ that I am able to stand in the midst of darkness until His light shines through and delivers me yet again from the fear that grips my soul.

I love you Jesus.

Bill

Update

I have been battling a cold/flu and I am totally wiped out. If you get a chance please pray for me....thanks.

Journal 3/23/07

Father,

You are the reason I live; I am so amazed at who you are and the destiny that I have because I am one of yours. You are the treasure that I seek; I seek you more than any precious ruby; for you are priceless. You are the song that I sing; you are the melody in my heart. You cause me to cry out in praise as I see you in your glory. You are the air that I breath and the water that I drink; you sustain my every fiber as you nourish my soul. May your will be done in me all the days of my life. May you freely reign in my heart mind and soul. You are my quest as I journey this life with you next to me. I look forward to the journey of life that you have taken me upon. What an adventure life is. You are the fire in my soul; you cleanse and wash and purify me. You are my consuming love and passion and I am grateful that you love me.. Please Lord rule over me and show me your ways as I lay myself at your alter of love.

I look forward to the marriage that will take place on that day when you come back for me. I can’t wait until you rapture me Jesus. I can’t wait to come back with you in your 2nd Coming. What a joy that will be when your bride returns with you as the future events unfold. I love you Jesus.

Bill

Journal 3/21/07 - Part 2

It has been said that man would climb the highest heights and walk the lowest depths for the sake of love. And as people romanticize about love they tend to believe that they would endure any hardship for the sake of love. But will man really journey through the darkest of times for love’s sake? Will a man press on day after day as he searches for his lost love with an unrelenting passion? Will the winds of life encourage the man to press on and to continue moving forward in the face of adversity? Or will the stress of this lost love consume the man to the point of utter exhaustion causing him to wither up and die like a leaf without water? Will he press on, endure and with all that is inside of him search frantically for that love that he so desperately needs? Or will he die a bitter lonely death as he rots from the inside out?

Will a man swim the seas searching for that which is merely intangible or will he search frantically for something that is so hard to obtain and keep in his possession? Love! What will mankind do for love?

We tend to believe in the idea that man is willing to do whatever it takes to be in the presence of the one they love. We believe that we as a fallen people are capable of loving in such a way that it drives us. Are we driven? Will we journey through seven hells just to be with the one we love?

How I long to be a man who is driven with a passion that consumes me from the inside out. How I long to pursue the one who loves me yet when I realize and see what my heart is capable of, I tend to think that there is not enough drive or passion in any man to faithfully seek the one whom they love. At best, we may move in that direction but no man is capable of loving in this way. It is not something that we can do in our fallen state.

Yet there is One who can and who has done this very thing. The Lover of my soul has endured! He has gone to the greatest depths and the harshest of storms for the sake of the love that consumed Him. His passion for me, took him on a journey that was filled with pain, grief, sorrow, despair, and hope.

For the hope set before Him he endured all things so that at last he could be with me. And I am absolutely blown away that I am the object of passion that would cause another to pursue me through all the storms. I am in awe that I would be the passion of someone who would leave the very gates of paradise to be with me. Why? I am not worthy of this sort of passion. Why would you lay your eyes upon me and pursue me?

When I look at the journey that was taken to reach me; I am moved in the very depths of my soul. You sought me! You pursued me! You love me! You love to be with me! You love to pour your heart out to me! You are consumed with thoughts of me!

I am utterly speechless and am overtaken with astonishment! And it is not that I am the greater person here. You are the King of kings and the Lord of lords. You are the Creator of all things and I am a mere peon in light of who you are. And though it should have been the other way around where I pursue you and journey in passion to find you, it was not that way. You sought me. You endured for me. You laid your eyes upon me and never lost focus, you never lost heart; you never gave up.

So I stand here now, completely undone in the presence of the King of kings. I am not worthy Jesus. I am not worthy to be loved in the manner in which you love me. I am not worthy!!!! You are worthy! You deserve my passion and love and yet its flipped around. You offer me salvation; you freely offer me freedom from my bonds and I accept. I want to be free. Your love towards me compels me to seek your face. I am Your beloved and you love me as I am…..Whoa!

Thank you for loving me. Thank you for searching me out and thank you for finding me and freeing me. There is no other place that I would rather be than with you. And yet I hear the words so clearly from your lips that there is no other place that you would rather be than with me. I don’t know what to say to that! My mouth simply drops in totally amazement and gratefulness. Thank you my Lord for leaving glory and your throne and your heavenly place and seeking me out until you found me, healed me, cleaned me and I look forward to you bringing me with you back into your heavenly kingdom.

I love you Jesus but more importantly, you love me!

Bill

Journal 3/21/07

Father,

My heart is so hardened and numb to sin. I tend to drink it up and I hate the fact that I do so. Please teach me to number my days Lord. If I but would number my days I would have more incentive in my mind to do what I know is right and to not continue indulging in the flesh. I hate indulging in the flesh. I hate the fact that I love sin. I wish I had your heart towards sin. I wish I were appalled by it as I know I ought to be. Yet time and time again I drink it like water. And when I come to my senses I see how deceived I have been. I need your help Jesus as I live day by day and moment by moment in surrendering myself to you.

At least that is what I need to do. I need to live every moment in utter surrender. The English language is an interesting language. The word obedience has nine letters in it. If I truly want to surrender my life to Jesus then I need to place my self right in the center of obedience with the Lord. If you take the word obedience and use the center of the word obe-DIE-nce, then that is what I have to do. I have to die. In order to surrender fully to the Lord I need to die. I need to crucify my flesh and feed the Spirit that is in me.

Jesus, help me to surrender my will, my heart, my desires to you fully. Help me to die so that you might live in me. I am so frustrated with who I am apart from you. I am an utter disaster and mess.

Yet you love me and because of the work that you did when you placed yourself on the cross to take the wrath of God and the sin of man, I am able to come to you and to be cleansed. Please clean me Jesus in a practical way. Please help me to walk consistently in the ways of righteousness. Help my day to day life match my positional life in you. You have declared me clean; please help my actions to declare that louder than it has.

I worship you Jesus because you are worthy to be exalted. Thank you for loving a wretch like me.

To run and work the law commands
Yet gives me neither feet nor hands
But better news the gospel brings
It bids me fly and gives me wings!

Journal 3/19/07

So today is my brother's birthday. How I wish he would return to the Lord that is if he ever turned to the Lord in the 1st place. For the next three days he and I will both be the same age and then I will add another number to my age and be the older brother again.

It is so amazing as I am able to look at those closest to me; those I grew up with and I am able to see the results of the choices they have made. So often sin entices me and as I feel almost obligated to give into the compulsion of my flesh. In those times when I look at the results of bad decisions or sinful behavior by those closest to me (not just my brother), it really sobers me up and the Lord uses this to show me the results of a sinful life. And when I muse upon these things in sobriety of thought; when I simply contemplate this, I am able to see the deceitfulness of sin and the net that it really is.

How I hate sin, yet time and time again, my flesh entices me to partake and taste of the vomit. And sin truly is vomit. Why is it that I can get so deceived at times and think that vomit will actually taste good? Vomit never tastes good...ever!

And I am so grateful that the Lord has blessed us with repentance. We are now able to fully repent because of the work that He did on the cross. Before I was saved, I was unable to repent, my appetite for sin was too great and if I stopped feeding my flesh in one area of my life I had to then over feed it in another area.

But it is not like that now. Though I am constantly deceived by the wickedness of my own heart, I have found the greatest food supply of all time. I can feast on real food and I never have to return to the vomit of sin. I have been (past tense according to Romans 6) delivered from my sins and I am free now. All because of what the Lord did for me on the cross. Thank you Jesus for loving me and for cleansing me. Thank you that you are able to satisfy my appetite and thirst with your living water. I will never thirst again when I feed off your word. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Bill

Journal 3/15/07

Come quickly Lord Jesus. Please come for me. Please take me away to be with you. How I need to be with you so desperately these days. You sustain me and I desire more and more of you. How much longer will I need to endure in this body of flesh Lord? I want more than a taste of you; I desire to see you in your fullness and in your glory.

Please lead me and sanctify me. I am so unclean when I am not in your presence and I desire your presence more than anything else in life. I hunger to be at the throne room there in heaven where true worship is happening. I thirst for you Jesus! I pant as I desperately long to be near you, to be touched by you. I love you and you love me. How much longer Jesus until you come for your bride? We desire you.

This world is so dark and depraved. It is full of deception and this world tends to deceive me more and more. My flesh deceives me. I deceive myself and I am tired of going back and forth.

Please save my kids Jesus. Please save Ronnie, Billy, Tobias and Mercy. Please let them have a taste of your glory and let them see how good you really are. Please show them their sin and teach them your ways Lord. Please wash and purify them and cause them to desire holiness. Please speak to them Lord and show them their purpose. Please redeem them as you have redeemed me from the ashes of my sin.

Please draw near to them. Let their prayers be filled with praising you. Please let them hear and see and feel how close you are to them. Please do a work in their life Lord.

You are such a good Father and wonderful, merciful friend. You love me because you love me and when the clouds cover me, you are there as my shelter. Every storm I come across you are always there catching my tears as you cradle me under your wings. You alone cause me to turn from weeping and wailing as your love for me causes me to dance and sing. I WORSHIP YOU JESUS! The Rock of my Salvation, You ROCK!!!

And when my eyes shed tears like a sudden flood it is at those times that I know you are holding me close to you. I know there are times and seasons and in all the different times and seasons that I experience I can see you there with me. When I am broken or proud, when I am walking in holiness or blatant rebellion and sin, you are there with me. And I thank you for that. Thank you for not leaving me when I stumble and fall flat on my face. Thank you for picking up the pieces in my life.

You declared in Romans 5:20 that where sin abounds grace abound much more. Thank you that there is always enough grace to cover any sin I do. And I thank you that grace is not a license to sin, but it is a license FROM sin. I am free because of the work that you did on the cross. You have delivered me and I am free now. Thank you. I praise your name because you are wonderful and powerful and you love me more than with just words but you demonstrated how much you loved me when you willingly laid down your life as a ransom for mine. THANK YOU JESUS!!!!

I love you…..

Bill Scott, Sr.

Journal 3/9/07

So a friend of mine called me just now and gave me a scripture that he was reading. He said when he read it he thought of me and I will tell you what, I am so blessed that he called me and shared this with me. This is what body life is about. God is so good and the scripture that my friend shared with me has been my heart.

Psalm 34:8 - Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good; Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!

How I long to taste and see the Lord as he moves in the church once again. I had a glimpse of this when I was in California through my church Calvary Chapel Saving Grace. The Spirit of God was moving. You could truly taste and see the Lord in the midst of the church as His life just flowed from the alter. And my desire has been to see the Lord duplicate that work here in Portland. And by faith I trust that the Lord will do this…..it really excites me.

So to my friend who shared this scripture with me, thank you. You have no idea how that ministered to me just now. Just wait because we are going to see the Spirit of God move in power though his church here in Portland and we will be able to taste and see that the Lord Jesus is good.

Journal 3/8/07

The time has come for us to stand up for what we believe in. It is high time to give the Lord praise in all that we do because he gave himself for us. He is so worthy to be exalted by our hands. He is worthy to be magnified and adored because he is our faithful redeemer.

I live for you Jesus and I refuse to be ashamed of you. In my life, it is you above all else as my purpose is to lose myself in bringing you praise. Increase in me as I fade in the background of your reflection. I give all I am to seek your face because all I am is yours. You deserve nothing less than my all because you gave your all to redeem me. I praise your name Jesus.

Oh Jesus of Nazareth, King of kings and Lord of lords, I worship you and exalt you because you are my Savior and my God. I praise you Jesus. Today I live to worship you in everything that I do. Use me for your glory Jesus.

I love you Jesus Christ!

Bill

Journal 3/7/07

Father,

I want my life to be lived in a way that it is all or nothing. I stand in awe in the fact that you gave up everything for me. I desire to give you my all. Because the reality is that all I am; is yours. All that I desire is simply you alone. There is nothing else that I want but you Jesus. You are what I desire and crave. You are my hope and my passion. All that I live for is the hope of experiencing all that you are. I hunger and thirst for you. In everything that I do I want to praise and exalt you! Please consume me and help me to love you on the inside. Help me to love your righteousness and justice from the depths of my being. I want to bring you praise Jesus. I want you to receive passion and praise from the depths of who I am. And I want my soul to be lit on fire with passion for your name.

I want to be where you are Jesus. I desperately seek your Spirit to fall upon Portland and upon the youth here. I desire to see you lifted high. Oh you are so worthy to be praised and magnified for you are holy and you love me. Whenever I call upon your name you hear and come to my rescue. Please pour out your spirits fire upon the city of Portland. Please move amongst your church here and light the church on fire with passion, revival and integrity. Please move your people to seek your face. Use me as a tool in the Masters hands to do your will.

What can I say? What can I really say or do but offer this heart of mine to you Jesus. I offer myself completely and wholly to you. I desire to lose myself in your grace. I want to disappear in your presence as you shine and reflect through me. I pray that your light would shine in the darkness when all other lights are fading. I desire to give all that I am when I seek your face. You are my God of mercy and compassion and you care for me.

My hands belong to you Jesus; please teach them to serve you fully. Help me to place my hand to the plow and sow for your namesake; for your kingdom. Help me to run this race with endurance as I am on this journey. I know that I will never be the same because you live in me. And I am ever so grateful that you sought me out and enabled me to seek your face. I am yours Jesus. You may do with me as you wish. I desire to be led by your Spirit as you move in my midst. I desire to be with you every moment of every day and I seek you to reign through my life.

You are everything I dreamed you would be and then some. You have captured my heart and I am in love with you Jesus. When I fail, your grace restores me. Will I continue to fail? I pray that would not be the case.

Lord, you know that in my passion for you that I can come off abrasive and I ask for your forgiveness. I thank you for the leadership that you have placed in my life; your wonderful church. I am so blessed to serve you under the leadership that you have established.

I pray that you would give the pastors and the teachers here in Portland vision. Give your bride a vision to reach the lost through the power of your spirit. Oh you love us so much and you desire to bring the people of Portland into that place where they can hear your voice and receive your salvation. So please stir up your people to pray and to stand in the gap for the people of this city and state. Thank you Jesus for loving us the way that you do. You never cease to amaze me.

I love you….

Bill

March of Dimes

My wife and I are getting involved in the March of dimes this year. Here is the link to all the information on how someone can support if they choose to and also there is another link with our story.

http://www.walkamerica.org/personal_page.asp?w=700715

Every year, half a million babies in the U.S. are born prematurely. Premature birth is the leading cause of newborn death and many life long disabilities. The funds we raise in WalkAmerica support research that saves babies' lives. Most of you who know me, know my story. My son, Tobias is a living, walking, breathing miracle. You can read more about it when clicking to read his story below.I hope and pray that you are able to commit to helping support the research on preventing premature births. Sparing the sorrow that I know, all too well.
Our mission is to improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth, and infant mortality.
Please visit my wife’s blog on Share Your Storywww.jessicascott00.blogspot.com/2007/02/miracle-that-is-my-son.html

Journal 3/1/07

So today I fly out to California with my daughter as we head to my grandmothers funeral. I have written the Eulogy and pray that God would be glorified in the midst of our mourning. God is good and I am thankful that he has put all the pieces together for this memorial.

Thank you everyone for your prayers. I am so grateful for your support.

Bill

Journal 2/26/07

I praise You for Your glory! For You are Glorious and worthy of my Praise. You call me to abide in You. You desire fellowship with me as You alone are the Holy One. I praise You for Your glory. I desire to experience you, not in just an emotional way but I desire to encounter You. I want to encounter You. By Your Spirit You prompt me to respond to You. I desire to respond to You and Your Spirit’s prompting as You reveal Yourself to me. I want to respond to who You really are as I lay aside myself and exalt You the Heavenly King.

Please come and lift the burden from my heart as David cried out in Psalm 3:3, “But You, O Lord, are a shield for me, My glory and the One who lifts up my head.” You are the lifter of my soul. I want You to take my hand and lift me up so that I can see Your glory.

To be Honest Lord, I miss those times with You that I had experienced in the past. I want to return to that special place and yet I am so unwilling at the same time. It isn’t that I am afraid of You or afraid of what You desire to do in my life, I really don’t know what it is that keeps me from where You want me to go and really where I desire to go as well.

I struggle with not having a best friend here in Oregon who is sold out to you. I miss the fellowship of being around someone like Craig or EZ. I miss being around those who are totally sold out to You and love their brothers and sisters in the Lord. It sucks not having someone who I can talk to about stuff that is on my heart. It sucks not having a male friend who I can share the good stuff and the bad stuff that is going on in my life. I miss relationships that have depth. I long for those again. I miss hanging out with the pastors who love you and are truly sincere and really care about you and others.

I feel so alone. I know I have my wife and she is a wonderful blessing. But I miss having friends. And yet I have no friends here in Oregon….I have many acquaintances, but no friends who call just to say hi. No one calls to see how I am doing, and that is ok, but it is so hard at times. The high school kids call and they are a blessing too, but I can’t pour out my heart to them as I could an adult male my age. I miss having a solid Christian in my life.

I want to please Your heart. I want this to be my desire and goal in life. I am called to love and adore You and I desire that. I want to bring my all to You in worship as I lay all that I am at Your feet. You are so desirable Jesus. I thank You for Your glory. I am grateful that You are worthy of worship. Please wash me of this world and wash me of my flesh and draw me near to You. Help me to see You for who You are as I thank You for the privilege of worship.

You are my Hope and I am utterly lost without You. I do not even know which way is up when you are not leading and guiding my steps. This world comes and crashed down upon me and yet You made me and I will not be shaken. Though I am broken into a million pieces I will yet trust you my Lord. I do trust in You. I really do. You are trustworthy. You have called me Your friend and You do satisfy me when all others fail. I fail, and they fail, yet You never fail me. And I am called Your friend if I keep Your commandments. Help me to keep Your commandments because I have not done a very good job at keeping them.

Death sucks Lord. It really sucks. Sin sucks, Chaos, uncleanness, depravity, all these things are so hard. I just don’t understand these things. Your eyes of fire look into the depths of my soul and you see me in this depravity and yet you say that you love me and you desire me. Why? WHY? WHY? Why do you desire me?

I miss You. I really miss you Jesus. I need Your love like the trees need the rain. I am like a man dying in the deserts and you are the spring of Life. You refresh me though I suffer through the garbage of the wilderness. Yet I thank you for the things that You have done for me. You have given me new life. You died and rose and gave Your life in a sacrificial way so that I could have life. Thank you. Thank you for being You. I love the way You are. You are so perfect and holy and You really do care about me. You care about my struggles and the sin I get entangled in. You really care and this causes me to thank you. You truly have laid down your life for me.

So I give you my heart so that you can free it from the chains of depravity that lay hold of it. I want to honor You with every part of my life as I cry out, “Woe is me!” I want to see You move and hear You speak. I don’t want You to remove the power of the Spirit in the life of the church. Without Your Spirit moving and direct me and us, we are doomed. I want to know you. I want to know your friendship and your fear.

I was totally destitute until you found me. And I remember the stuff that you delivered me from. I remember when I had no hope. And you delivered me. You are worth more than I could ever find in this world. Help me to take the salvation that you have offered and given to me with sobriety and seriousness as it springs up living water in my life. Help me to trust you as I partake in suffering. Help me never to partake in sin as I suffer so that suffering can have it’s perfect work in my life. Help me to place my hand on the plow and never look back. How I am so desperate and lifeless when you are not my all-in-all. So please hear my heart and please be there for me.

On the merits of Jesus and in His name I come to You my Holy Father. Help me to come boldly into Your throne room and into Your presence.

Amen

Journal 2/26/07

So my grandmother on my dad’s side passed away last night. What a bummer. My dad is dead and has been dead for 32 years, his mom is now dead as well, and my grandfather on that side is dead and has been for a long time. One thing that is sure in life is the idea that there really is no life. We are all going to die. Death is imminent. The sad thing is when life is offered and it is rejected and looked down upon. The sad thing is when we trust in our own goodness to attain the life that we do not have.

How sad! How bitterly sad!

Life is available from God himself through Jesus his son and yet more people reject this than those who embrace this. What a horrible reality that will be embraced when life, true spiritual life is rejected. My heart is broken.

Father,

I am sad and need your love as I feel like such a failure and my heart is broken. Who am I kidding these days….am I even a Christian Lord? I am so messed up inside. I am absolutely depraved and messed up and I can’t figure out what to do. I am tired of living in Romans chapter seven. I want to get to chapter eight. I love you though the actions in my heart deny that truth. I feel as if I have no feelings or emotions. I feel as if I am so hard hearted. Why won’t I weep over sin, death, and the ugliness of this world? Why do I constantly embrace the vomit and swim in it? My heart is sad Lord.

Bill

Journal 2/26/07

God is good, that is the bottom line.

Journal 2/16/07

I suck at being a Christian. I am nothing like Jesus and I am so tired of falling short in everything that I do. I HATE and ABHOR my flesh as it deceives me daily. I feel as if I am on the losing side of the battle when it comes to crucifying my flesh. I want it to die. MY FLESH NEEDS TO DIE!!!!

It is frustrating being a sinner. And yet I am a wretched sinner.

Do you know what this does? It causes me to HUNGER and THIRST for the glorified body that has been promised to me by my Savior. Jesus, I look forward to your promises. How I desperately need the glorified body and to be fully redeemed. I look forward to that day more now than ever as the vomit of this world and the evilness of my flesh weigh me down. Help me to walk in righteousness and to love those who appear to be unlovable.

I know you love me and I know that I am on the winning side, but this battle is a tough one. And I get so angry and flustered. I hate having to fight with my flesh on a regular basis as it is so much easier to give in and let my flesh reign as a king. But my flesh is not the king, you are Jesus. So please reign as a king in me…..

Journal 2/9/07

Lord,

You know my heart and my desires. You know where I struggle and how ministry for me is so hard at times. You know the secret things in my heart that I will never tell. You know them, you know me. And though I may be inexperienced in life and ministry, I see and understand that those times when we stray, things really get out of hand. I want to be true to you. I am afraid to promise you anything because I know who I am. I know that I am a joke and have no idea what the Christian life is about most of the time. I have no clue how to minister. Teaching is the easy part; all the other stuff is so complicated. Yet you compel me to minister as I hear you call out my name. And you desire me to be pure, clean and holy in your sight. So Lord, help me to live my life in purity as unto you. Help me to live this life filled with your wonderful Spirit. I look forward to and can’t wait for the day when I hear you say, “Welcome Home My Child!”

Until then O Lord, I will be content with the life that you have blessed me with; knowing that what is to come is so much greater than what is. I have seen the suffering that loneliness can cause. So I choose to give my love away to you so that you can fill me in the depths of my heart. I seek your wisdom and counsel as I have none. And you have said Lord that if I ask you for wisdom, then you would supply it. Help me to sort out ministry Jesus. What is your heart and what is it that you desire for me to do? Please give me clarity. Please give me insight. Please shine through me. I am so tired of being a man who is so worldly and ungodly. I am so tired of shining my own vomit instead of your glory and I don’t know which way is up anymore. So please lead me as I try to live out your will in my life. Lead me Jesus.

On the merits of Jesus I ask these things….Amen.

Journal 2/8/07

Sometimes I feel as if the grave is mans only real destiny. It’s as if we live to die and unless there is something more, we are doomed to this cruel fate. How sad that would be. How horrible for those who refuse to walk in the ways of the Lord. Where is there hope? They are utterly hopeless. I am so blessed that there is more to life than just this point in time. I am so glad there is life after the grave and I am not bound to the realm of time that I am in.

As the time approaches speedily for me to enter the grave, (hypothetically speaking) I look forward to the destiny that lies behind the realm of death. All storms will cease. All suffering will finally end. I will be able to touch and see the One who loves me and the One whom I have longed for.

How I wish I could put you into words Lord. If I were able to do that then I would write your face on a thousand pages. I want the pages of my life to be consumed with you so that when the book of my life is finally fulfilled, that there is nothing left of me in it, as I desire for you to shine brightly through me. How I long for the story of my life to reflect you and you alone Jesus. I love you.

Bill

Journal 2/6/07

Oh Lord,

You really do hear my cry, and you hear my prayer. You save all my tears and you place them in a bottle because you truly care about me. So I offer my heart up to you as I declare that a moment without you is like a thousand lonely years of hell. If I can just sit with you, I know that you will wipe away my tears. For you love me in such a way that breaks me. Your love compels me to seek your face. There is only one thing that I ask of you Lord. There is only one thing that I truly seek. I want to dwell in your house all the days of my life so that I may gaze upon your beauty. I want to behold you. I want to see your face. I want to be touched by you and embraced by you as you openly declare your abounding love towards me.

Lord, I constantly sin against you and I do wrong. Yet you comfort me in your longsuffering. Lord I have walked away from you so many times yet your mercy is there for me new each morning. You are my Redeemer. You are my Savior and my King. I lay my life before you so please take all of me Lord as I surrender all that I am to you.

I need you. I desire you.

Bill

These are from yesterday

Here is our little Diva


Here are the grand parents



And here is Billy

Journal 2/1/07

Father,

Why do I leave your presence? There truly is no other place that I would rather be. Yet I find myself out of your presence when I ought to never leave it. Why can’t I sit with you and remain sitting with you every minute of every day? Can you help remind me Father when I do leave your presence? Because a lot of the time I don’t notice me leaving your presence, I just realize that I am not in it.

I can’t believe how incredibly wonderful you truly are. You blow me away and I want to be absorbed in your fragrance. I want to know you inside and out. I long to be held by you and kissed by you as a Father would kiss his kids.

I feel so safe with you. I feel your acceptance and I feel your love. I want to make myself vulnerable to you knowing that I am precious in your sight. Oh, how I desire to be clean and I thank you that you are the one who can and who does cleanse me fully. Please help me to make my home in your presence.

You are so real to me and you are so alive. You truly care and I simply desire to humble myself before you as I come close to you and worship you for who you are. You are so beautiful. Your grace upon me, your love towards me in a good way is almost too much to bear. But how thankful I am that you call me as your own. Oh, please keep me here wrapped in your arms. My Father, Abba, I love you and I want to do your will. I want to walk in your ways all the days of my life. Help me to simply remain in your presence forever….as you hold my hand.

Thank you for singing a song over me and giving me sleep for my eyes. I am a wretch Lord, I have already been in the flesh a million times today. I am so rude and so heartless. I am cold and cruel and I don’t like that about me. I am messed up Lord. I have issues.

Yet you call me to you and I am compelled by your essence to come. You are my resting place, and there is no other place where I can be me and be accepted than when I am with you. Please, keep me in your presence today, tomorrow and all the days of my life. All I know is that I want you to reign as a king in my life and I want to serve in your courts forever.

Bill

Journal 1/31/07

Father,

I give you my heart and soul. I am yours to do with as you please. My desire is to serve you and honor you. And I seek to be a man who worships you with all my heart. All that is within me I lay down and surrender to you. I praise you as you truly are my all-in-all. So I give you all of me as I live for you alone. From morning to morning I desire you to have your way with me. I give you all of me, every breath that is in me. Please have your way with me Jesus.

There is no one on earth who can touch my heart like you do Jesus and I am ever grateful for Your love towards me. I am blown away at how new Your love is. It is so refreshing. How I wish I could taste and see Your glory as Moses did. You are my desire and I want to please You. Help me to love you and walk as You have called me to do.

Please give me Your heart for people. Help me to reach the lost and use me to advance your gospel. Oh God, use me in this hour; in this moment of time that is called my life. Help my soul to burn for you as you blaze the trail before me that I am to walk upon. In Jesus name I pray…Amen

Journal 1/30/07

Father,

I am not worthy to be called your son yet you have called me anyways. Thank you for loving me. Lord, I need your help so desperately. There is an issue of sin that I have to address with the youth group and it breaks my heart as I do not know how to approach this. Please give me wisdom and compassion as I cling to you for direction and guidance. I need your intervention and power as I am dealing with this tragedy of sin within the young people here in Oregon.

Father, you were right when you spoke to me about my calling here. There is a cancer starting within the young people here in Oregon and you have called me to be a light that reflects you in the midst of this dark cancer. Oh how I need you to pull all the planks out of my eyes so that I can soberly and lovingly address the issues at hand.

My heart is so broken Jesus as I know yours is as well. So please pour out your spirit and anoint my words and actions. Please draw these kids into your wonderful presence and let them see you in your fullness. In Jesus name I desperately petition You my God and my King to intervene.

Amen

Tear Down These Walls - Aaron Hovivian

Tear Down these walls

O Lord, Lord I come to you with empty hands O Lord
My heart is broken and I have no strength left to stand
My face is left tear stained by things I don’t understand O Lord
and yet I will trust you for my name is written on your blood stained hands

And I will let down these walls I’ve built up for so many years
And I’ll pour out my heart will you wipe away my tears?
In your presence Lord I will surrender I will submit to your almighty hand
And I’ll boast in my weakness saved by the strength of Christ’s blood I will stand.

O Lord, Lord I’ll sit here in this secret place O Lord
In the stillness underneath your wings wrapped in my Fathers tight embrace
Destruction has come against my soul O Lord
in your presence will you heal my heart make it strong and make me whole?

And child I’ll tear down those walls you’ve built up for so many years.
And if you’ll pour out your heart I’ll surely wipe away your tears.
In My presence child if you will surrender, if you’ll submit to my all loving hand
I’ll be the strength in your weakness and by my sons blood you will stand
I’ll be the strength in your weakness and by my sons blood; my child you will stand
You will stand…..if you’ll but trust me my child you will stand.

Journal 1/22/07

Father,

Thank you for loving me in spite of my sinfulness. I am so prone to give into my flesh though I desire to walk in your ways. I feel like the prodigal son who leaves his Fathers house only to realize that I left everything that I ever wanted. Help me to stay focused upon you. Help me to look for the eminent return of Christ.

Lord, please help provide rides to the kids on Friday nights. There is such a need for ministers to rise up to this wonderful ministry. So please speak to the hearts of your saints and help them to provide rides. We need you to provide if this is what you desire. These kids wont go to church and this is such an opportunity to reach them. So please use Jessica and I and help us to lead these wonderful kids to you.

In Jesus name I pray…Amen.

Journal 1/19/07

Father,

Today is finally here. Tonight we start the book of Revelation. Please Jesus speak through me. Use me to shine you and your word clearly and intimately. Please break our hearts tonight Lord and reshape who we are as your people. Use tonight and every Friday night from here on out to glorify you; as we come to see you in your fullness and wholeness. So I pray that you would give me grace as I speak your word. Please bless the reading and teaching of your word. In Jesus name I pray....Amen

Pictures from today

These are my kids and my house from today.

Journal 1/12/07

Lord,

In your 1st coming you came without honor and without praise and you suffered so badly. You were mocked, spit upon and killed. You were not treated like the King that you are as you were humiliated by the very ones you created. When you were killed it looked like a devastating blow to a king; how in the world could the creation kill the Creator? Amazing! Disheartening! Scary!

But in your 2nd coming you will receive what is owed to you; and it won't be like you are taking something that is not yours, you deserve to be high and lifted up. You will return without a blemish and you will judge the nations for the depths of their depravity. For you are the King of kings and the Lord of lords. You are worthy to be the judge of all men for you know the thoughts of man. You know the heart of man. You are able to judge righteously and fairly and your judgment is good.

And like before, man will try to kill you; but you are coming back in the glory that you left behind when you came in your 1st coming. You are not leaving that glory behind this time around. And you will not be killed by man, but on the contrary, you will destroy your enemies. You will crush them under the winepress of the wrath of Almighty God. And you will do so in righteousness.

Thank you for being more than a mere man. Thank you for being the God of all things. I am totally blown away that you, being all powerful, yet you know me and have called me your friend. What an honor it is to be associated with the King of kings. You know my name.....and as I think about that, I look at the most powerful men on earth, and they have no idea that I exist. Yet you know my name and you are interested in me. Wow...what a thought!

When I see how big you are and how small I am in comparison to you, my mind almost short-circuits. I mean you are big! You are famous; you are powerful and have subdued nations and kingdoms. And yet, you know my name. The King of all glory sings over me and prepares a feast for me. The God of all life, has numbered and named every hair on my head and speaks to me. Wow, God actually speaks to me....UN-BE-LEIV-ABLE!

It would be amazing to receive a phone call from the President of the United States or from a celebrity, but how much more amazing it is to hear the voice of God. Whoa!!! I am totally flabbergasted. When I think about you in this sense I am totally amazed. You are not some far distant cloud in the sky or some well thought up conceived idea that someone mused upon in times past. You are real and you are personal and can you believe it, GOD KNOWS WHO I AM!!!! GOD KNOWS ME!!!!

I don’t know if you have ever seen the cartoon movie “Cars” but I feel like Fred, the rusty car that keeps losing his front bumper. Whenever a celebrity would read his license plate (Which said Fred) he would get all excited and say, “He KNOWS MY NAME!!! HE KNOWS MY NAME!!” That is how I feel but even more so when it comes to the Lord. HE KNOWS ME!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT GOD KNOWS ME!!! WOW!!!!

I want to shout it to the world…..GOD KNOWS ME, HE KNOWS WHO I AM, HE HAS PREPARED A FEAST FOR ME…IN-MY-HONOR!!!

Wow….all I can say is wow!

Psalm 8, “1 To the Chief Musician. On the instrument of Gath. A Psalm of David. O Lord, our Lord, How excellent is Your name in all the earth, Who have set Your glory above the heavens! 2 Out of the mouth of babes and nursing infants You have ordained strength, Because of Your enemies, That You may silence the enemy and the avenger.
3 When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, The moon and the stars, which You have ordained, 4 What is man that You are mindful of him, And the son of man that You visit him? 5 For You have made him a little lower than the angels, And You have crowned him with glory and honor. 6 You have made him to have dominion over the works of Your hands; You have put all things under his feet, 7 All sheep and oxen-- Even the beasts of the field, 8 The birds of the air, And the fish of the sea That pass through the paths of the seas. 9 O Lord, our Lord, How excellent is Your name in all the earth! “

Journal 1/11/07

Who am I that the God of all creation knows my name and feels my pain? I am but a flower who is quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow. I am like a wave in the ocean who peaks for a moment in time and then is gone. I am but a vapor in the wind; a mere breath lost in the air. Yet I am yours Jesus. I belong to you. Why do you love me so much?

Jesus it was your voice that calmed the sea and yet time and time again that same voice calls out through the rain and calms the many storms that rage within me. You whisper in the rain and tell me that Your are with me. You are my Healer and my Master. You are coming back to execute judgment and to redeem your people. Oh how I look forward to that day. What a wonderful hope that I have as I am placed in the mighty hands of my God. You reign forever and ever. You are worthy of all praise and honor, worship and glory! Oh how precious you are and how grateful I am to be the recipient of such an unconditional love.

Father, as your child I am crying out for the nations. Please heal the nations of the earth; please revive the nations from the dead. Please look down from your thrown my Lord and have pity upon mankind. We are so rebellious and wicked and yet you have been so patient with us. Have mercy on us Master…..please send a revival to the world once again. Please let salvation break out from city to city across the globe until multitudes call upon your name for their salvation. Oh God, use me to preach your word. Take me and cleanse me from the inside out so that I can be a tool in your hand. Empower me by your mighty power to walk in the Spirit with all humility. Use me to speak into people’s lives as you lead me to them or as you lead them to me.

God, can you give me the gift of exhortation? Can I have the gift of word of wisdom and word of knowledge? Help me to speak the words of life with your fire in my eyes. Help me to passionately pursue people as you do. Help me to share the words of life with all I come into contact with. Oh God, you have called me to share your wonderful gospel; empower me to do so.

So many times I forget the very words that you have spoken. I tend to forget the promises that you have made. I tend to doubt in my heart the very words that have sustained the elements in the world; your words. Please have mercy upon me and help me to engage my whole heart and being; as I surrender all that I am at your feet.

I long to know you; as I embrace your river of forgiveness, that flows without end. You are to me a beacon of light in the night sky. You are my desire; my hope, and I am yours. I lift my eyes to you my light, my passion, my all in all. I thank you that no matter what I go through or where I am, you remain who your are. You never change….thank you.

So speak to me so I can hear your voice, the voice of my redeemer. I long to obey you and your words….so please speak to me. Give me ears to hear you and wisdom to comprehend the incomprehensible. In Jesus name I pray…..So be it!

Journal 1/9/07

Father,

What do I have to offer to a world in need? I have nothing to give or to say or to share in and of myself Jesus; yet for some unknown reason you have chosen me to speak and to share with the world the truth found in your scriptures.

Lord, you have set the course as I embrace this new journey and you have prepared my way to do the work that you have called me to. Still Im desperate for the right words to say; I want to bring you honor and glory. Help me to not stumble on words when I share with people about your goodness.

I am willing to serve you Lord and all I have and all that I am I place into your hands Speak to me and speak for me. Please speak the words that I cannot express.

Lord I know that every encounter that you send my way is an opportunity to share about you. Every encounter that comes my way is a chance for me to show the love that you have given to me. So I pray Lord that you would give me the words to say when I come across troubled faces filled with grief and hopelessness. Help me Lord. I desire to speak words of life to those who thirst deep inside their souls. So Lord I depend on you to touch their lives. I pray that the light of your word would shine through me as you shine upon their life. May they see your holiness as you speak for me.

May your love lead them to the gates of heaven where you stand so that they too can gaze upon your face. You are all I have to offer them. And that is more than enough. Help me to stay the course as I live out my destiny. In Jesus name I pray…Amen.

Journal 1/8/07

Sin is such a serious thing and far too often we make sin some light thing that is to be tolerated. Oh how I hope that sin would be destroyed at the root in our lives. It has been said that if you kick sin off your door step then it won’t get into your house. How many of us are willing to do that? Are we really willing to walk as the Lord commands? Are we willing to get down and dirty and deal with the issues in our heart?

I was teaching the high school kids at the church this Sunday and we were in Ephesians 4:17-25. We were talking about how we ought to live as Christians. We were discussing how we are to put off the old man and put on the new man. And we looked at the Greek word for “Put on and put off” as the Greek helps us to understand what is being taught.

What the text was teaching us was that we are to put off like clothing the old man. We are to remove him like we remove our clothing. And we are to then not remain naked and vulnerable but rather we are to put on like clothing the new man.

So I posed a question, have we ever put off the old man? Maybe we have, maybe not. Have we ever put on the new man? Only you and the Lord can answer the question….but I would challenge us as God’s children to put on the new man as the old man grow corrupt each and every day.

Let us be a people who obey our God.

Father,

When it comes to sin, I really don’t have a voice of authority as I get caught up in it so often. But you do have a voice about it. Please help up to walk as children of the light as we put away our former conduct and pursue you. Help us to live the crucified life. And we know that this is something that we cannot do in and of ourselves. So we need your Spirits power to come upon us and sanctify us wholly. We trust you Jesus and look forward to the work that you will do in our lives. Help us, help me to yield. In Jesus name I pray….Amen!

Journal 1/5/07

Do you ever just sit there and think about God? Do you ever just stop for a moment and try to imagine what his glory looks like? Have you ever tried to envision the look on his face as he gazes upon you? What does God look like? What is his demeanor? How does he carry himself when he walks into a room?

I try to picture in my minds eye the glory, the pureness, the majesty of God. Can you imagine it? Heaven is going to be clearer that HD TV. Instead of High Definition (HD) we will see our (ED) Eternal Destination. It will be amazing.

Jesus Christ is king! And as the lamb that was slain, he deserves all power, wealth, glory and never ending praise. All creation is going to bow as earth and heaven join in the celebration. What a glorious day that will be when Jesus is finally revealed as the King that he is. I simply can’t wait.

I can’t wait until all the peoples from the different nations of the earth circle around Gods throne and lift up one voice in praise and worship to the King of all glory. And you can bet it will happen, we even know the words that we will be singing. Revelation 5:8-13, “8 Now when He (Jesus) had taken the scroll, the four living creatures and the twenty-four elders fell down before the Lamb, each having a harp, and golden bowls full of incense, which are the prayers of the saints. 9 And they sang a new song, saying:

"You are worthy to take the scroll,
And to open its seals;
For You were slain,
And have redeemed us to God by Your blood
Out of every tribe and tongue and people and nation,
10 And have made *us kings* and priests to our God;
And *we shall reign on the earth."

11 Then I looked, and I heard the voice of many angels around the throne, the living creatures, and the elders; and the number of them was ten thousand times ten thousand, and thousands of thousands, 12 saying with a loud voice:

"Worthy is the Lamb who was slain
To receive power and riches and wisdom,
And strength and honor and glory and blessing!"

13 And every creature which is in heaven and on the earth and under the earth and such as are in the sea, and all that are in them, I heard saying:

"Blessing and honor and glory and power
Be to Him who sits on the throne,
And to the Lamb, forever and ever!"

What a day that will be. I can hear in my mind the voice of God that is so powerful that when God speaks the heavens literally shake, yet with that same powerful voice, he whispers my name. He embraces me with those strong hands of his and I feel safe as he is my refuge. What a day! What a wonderful day!

Journal 1/4/07

What a wonderful God I serve. I have been in a state of amazement since the day I was saved. The Love of God is so pure and unconditional. When I look at all the people that I have loved or have been loved by, there have always been conditions placed on it to one degree or another. Yet God loves me for no other reason that he chooses to love me.

I long to be a man who has integrity and who is like Jesus. I desire to be a man who is led by the spirit of God and filled on a daily basis with the spirit of God. I desire more than anything to fellowship and have communion with my Lord. And because God loves me so much, he made a way for that to be possible. The God of all creation actually paved the way for me to have fellowship with him….this simply blows me away.

Thank you Jesus for the work that you did on the cross when you bridged the gap between me and my God. You made me a friend of God when I was his enemy. Thank you. You are so worthy to be exalted. I can’t wait until the day where every person bows and calls you Lord. You are worthy. You are the lamb that was slain and you are worthy of my praise and worship. Thank you Jesus….Amen

Journal 1/4/07

What a wonderful God I serve. I have been in a state of amazement since the day I was saved. The Love of God is so pure and unconditional. When I look at all the people that I have loved or have been loved by, there have always been conditions placed on it to one degree or another. Yet God loves me for no other reason that he chooses to love me.

I long to be a man who has integrity and who is like Jesus. I desire to be a man who is led by the spirit of God and filled on a daily basis with the spirit of God. I desire more than anything to fellowship and have communion with my Lord. And because God loves me so much, he made a way for that to be possible. The God of all creation actually paved the way for me to have fellowship with him….this simply blows me away.

Thank you Jesus for the work that you did on the cross when you bridged the gap between me and my God. You made me a friend of God when I was his enemy. Thank you. You are so worthy to be exalted. I can’t wait until the day where every person bows and calls you Lord. You are worthy. You are the lamb that was slain and you are worthy of my praise and worship. Thank you Jesus….Amen

Revelation

I am getting ready to teach the book of Revelation to the high school kids at my church. I have been studying the book and let me tell you, I am excited about it. Please pray for me that the Lord would give me wisdom and insight as I invest myself into this book. Thanks for all your prayers.