Yesterday I had a glimpse into my heavenly Fathers heart. I will do my best to articulate what I believe by faith he was showing me.
As most of you know; I have a 13 year old son who lives in another state. To make a long story short, his mom moved away and never told me where she took my son. So for 10 years I passionately sought after my son in hope of locating him and being a Father to him. And after 10 years I finally found him and after going to court I got him into my life.
I have tried to balance and build a relationship with my son but his mom and his grand parents have brained washed him so badly against me that no matter what I do; in his eyes I am evil and am only trying to destroy his life. That is so far from the truth. All I desire is to have a relationship with him. All I want is to have fellowship with my son; yet he wants nothing to do with me. His deception hurts me as I truly believe that if he knew me and my heart that he would not despise me but desire to fellowship with me. But he is deceived.
I have never been mean to him, rude; or anything. All I have done is love him. My heart is broken as he refuses to have anything to do with me. I am utterly crushed to dust as I weep over the hardness of his deceived heart. He really thinks that I ruined his life when his whole life I have done nothing but love him from the depths of my soul.
So I called him yesterday. And after being on hold for eternity; he finally answered the phone. I was like, “Hi son, this is Bill your dad, how are you?” He answered, “Don’t ever call me again. Don’t contact my mom or me ever. You are ruining my life and I don’t want anything to do with you!” As I said, “But…how am I ruining your life? I never get to talk to you and I haven’t done anything.” He simply said, “Stay out of my life!” as he hung up on me.
Well, I was devastated, thrashed and completely broken. My own child wants nothing to do with his father because in his eyes I am evil. He has been told by his mom and grandparents that I am evil and no matter what I do that is how he perceives me.
Is this the end of the story? No. I am still crushed and hurt and being vulnerable like this really sucks at times but this is not the end of the story.
As I was thinking about this and as I was contemplating this I saw a picture of what God did for us. The scenario is similar. He desires fellowship with us and no matter what He does; we see Him as evil and mean and we wanted nothing to do with Him. And because we will not hear Him he sent us his son to plead His case for Him. He sent Jesus to represent who he was so that we could see that God really is good and not evil. Jesus came to represent the Father.
And I think this is what is going to happen in my case. I think that in time when my other three kids are older that the Lord will send one of them to my 13 year old. And I believe by faith that when that happens that a relationship will be restored and established with my 13 year old. I believe that this will happen years from now when he is an adult, but I can see in a sense how the Lord is showing me by experience in a small way just what He as a Father feels. The Father has been rejected by mankind and he weeps over the nations of the earth. So He sent His son into the world so that the world could get a taste of how good God is. And I believe that I will one day be able to send my younger son or my daughter to my oldest so that my younger kids can represent me to him.
My hope is that as Jesus represents who the Father is; my hope is that my other kids will have the opportunity one day to do the same and I hope that I will be able to send them to my son Ronnie one day so that the air can be cleared. Time will tell of course but that is what I feel that God is showing me. In the mean time, I will have an incredible opportunity to experience on a smaller scale how the Father feels. And it hurts. I hurt….God hurts when (Ezekiel 18:32) people reject Him. He doesn’t take pleasure in the death of those who despise him. He mourns over them as I mourn over my son who despises me.
I have prayed a million times for God to show me his heart, and as he now does this I can see that he weeps over those who despise and reject Him. So even though it hurts me to feel this agonizing pain of rejection; I am so glad that the Lord is showing me this side of Him. Because this is real and He truly does weep over the hearts of man. And now I know (on a smaller scale) what that feels like.
Father,
Use me for your glory. I desire to be empowered by you and I want to also represent you to the world who despises your name. I have nothing to offer you but my broken life; but I do offer you that. Please use me. I want to experience the joy of showing the world that you are not evil, you are good and you love those who despise you. Please help me to bring others to Jesus so that He can bring them to you. In Jesus name I ask for this….Amen.
