So I have recently been instructed by alot of people that I know and respect that I should not write as I do on my blogs. I have been advised that my struggles should stay personal and that I need to be a tad bit pickier with what I share in my blog-journal. I have a question. If the purpose of my blog is to be real with my struggles and is a sort of journal in hope that new believers will see that its ok and normal to struggle as a Christian and that the Lord works through our struggles so that He will receive all the glory; then what is it that I am sharing that is wrong?
Has anyone read Psalms? The book of Psalm can be brutally honest at times. King David laid it all out before the Lord and people in every culture and every language are still reading about his struggles today. The man had issues and he wrote them down. What about Hezekiah? Jacob? Solomon? They poured out their souls in writing and the Lord used what they shared to let others see that emotions are real; that struggles are real and that he cares about what they are going through. So now I am left here with the question? What should I do?
This has been a very difficult week for me. I feel like I am on trial even though I believe that none of this is malicious from the people that I know, I just feel like no matter what I do that it isn’t going to satisfy. I feel like I am walking on egg shells.
If I blog, then I have upset some, if I don't then I upset others. If I lead worship it upsets some and if I don’t it upsets others. If I pour my heart out and try to use the gifts that God has given me, it upsets some, if I don't it upsets others. What a mess. All I can do is try and live my life before the Lord and if I upset some, then I upset them....I don't do it intentionally; but I have come to conclusion that what blesses one person upsets another and so I have to do what I feel the Lord desires for me to do.
Maybe my blogging is too personal....but that is who I am and that is who I believe I need to be. I cannot put up a front, after going through all that I did with my son Tobias and his multiple near death experiences I can't be anything other than personal and real. After seeing how fragile life is; I cannot candy coat my struggles anymore. I struggle at times and I know that others do too. I do have hope though and I know it. But that doesn't change the fact that I have issues.
And maybe for some people when I lead worship that it lacks in "worship" but that doesn’t change the fact that I pour all of my heart into it and I am truly worshipping the Lord from every fiber of my soul. I thought worship was an issue of the heart and if my heart is in the wrong place; please let me know. If my worship lacks in worship, then please instruct me and point me in the right direction. I want to bring others to Jesus; I live to bring others into the presence of God; that is where my heart is. I desire to honor the Lord and if I am doing something wrong then show me what it is. If what you say is valid, then trust me I will heed your instruction. If it isn't then I will take that to the Lord. I remember reading about King David’s wife and how she despised David because he was worshipping the Lord in his underwear as he danced in the streets. From her perspective, he was the king and a king ought not to do that. She concluded that he was a fool and was not worshipping. But the Lord was blessed by David because he worshipped with his whole heart.
Like I said, this has been a rough week. And I may totally be deceived. I know that with deception we tend to think we are ok when in fact we are not; we are deceived. And if I am deceived in these areas of my life, I am more than willing to give this to the Lord. But I need to be told point blank if that is the case. Because I don't think I am deceived though I am not ruling this out. So if I am tell me.
Father,
Please show me where I am in error. I desire to repent and want to grow in these hard times that I am having. At the end of the day, none of this stuff matters. A thousand years from now; no one will care whether or not I wrote on a blog or played guitar on a Thursday night. What will matter is where my heart is. Is my heart aligned with yours? Please show me Father. If I am in sin, please reveal that to me; I long to repent. I want to be in perfect communion with you so I ask that you would help me in this area of my life. Please forgive me for taking you for granted and help me to walk rightly in your sight. I look forward to hearing from you as I know you will lead me and show me where I err. I will repent Lord; please show me what I need to repent of.
In Jesus name I pray.....Amen
