What can I say? I am actually surprised at how I am feeling with the shooting. I always joke with my wife and tell her that I am a guy, I only have one feeling and it is usually hunger. Yet my heart is so broken for the tragedy that took place at Virgina Tech.
My prayer is that the Lord would be glorified in the midst of this and that we as people especially Americans would see the frailty of life and the importance of surrendering our lives to the Lord Jesus Christ. I am angry, and heart broken. I am reminded of a scripture in Proverbs.
Proverbs 29:16
When the wicked are multiplied, transgression increases; But the righteous will see their fall.
Psalm 37:
1 A Psalm of David. Do not fret because of evildoers, Nor be envious of the workers of iniquity. 2 For they shall soon be cut down like the grass, And wither as the green herb. 3 Trust in the Lord, and do good; Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. 4 Delight yourself also in the Lord, And He shall give you the desires of your heart. 5 Commit your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him, And He shall bring it to pass. 6 He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light, And your justice as the noonday.
7 Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him; Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, Because of the man who brings wicked schemes to pass. 8 Cease from anger, and forsake wrath; Do not fret--it only causes harm. 9 For evildoers shall be cut off; But those who wait on the Lord, They shall inherit the earth. 10 For yet a little while and the wicked shall be no more; Indeed, you will look carefully for his place, But it shall be no more. 11 But the meek shall inherit the earth, And shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace. 12 The wicked plots against the just, And gnashes at him with his teeth. 13 The Lord laughs at him, For He sees that his day is coming. 14 The wicked have drawn the sword And have bent their bow, To cast down the poor and needy, To slay those who are of upright conduct. 15 Their sword shall enter their own heart, And their bows shall be broken. 16 A little that a righteous man has Is better than the riches of many wicked. 17 For the arms of the wicked shall be broken, But the Lord upholds the righteous. 18 The Lord knows the days of the upright, And their inheritance shall be forever. 19 They shall not be ashamed in the evil time, And in the days of famine they shall be satisfied. 20 But the wicked shall perish; And the enemies of the Lord, Like the splendor of the meadows, shall vanish. Into smoke they shall vanish away.
21 The wicked borrows and does not repay, But the righteous shows mercy and gives. 22 For those blessed by Him shall inherit the earth, But those cursed by Him shall be cut off. 23 The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, And He delights in his way. 24 Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down; For the Lord upholds him with His hand. 25 I have been young, and now am old; Yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken, Nor his descendants begging bread. 26 He is ever merciful, and lends; And his descendants are blessed. 27 Depart from evil, and do good; And dwell forevermore. 28 For the Lord loves justice, And does not forsake His saints; They are preserved forever, But the descendants of the wicked shall be cut off. 29 The righteous shall inherit the land, And dwell in it forever. 30 The mouth of the righteous speaks wisdom, And his tongue talks of justice. 31 The law of his God is in his heart; None of his steps shall slide. 32 The wicked watches the righteous, And seeks to slay him. 33 The Lord will not leave him in his hand, Nor condemn him when he is judged.
34 Wait on the Lord, And keep His way, And He shall exalt you to inherit the land; When the wicked are cut off, you shall see it. 35 I have seen the wicked in great power, And spreading himself like a native green tree. 36 Yet he passed away, and behold, he was no more; Indeed I sought him, but he could not be found. 37 Mark the blameless man, and observe the upright; For the future of that man is peace. 38 But the transgressors shall be destroyed together; The future of the wicked shall be cut off. 39 But the salvation of the righteous is from the Lord; He is their strength in the time of trouble. 40 And the Lord shall help them and deliver them; He shall deliver them from the wicked, And save them, Because they trust in Him.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Journal 4/17/07
With the Virginia Tech Massacre on the front pages of the news I wanted to stop for a moment and ponder this horrible tragedy. When things like this happen and lives are cut short it really breaks my heart knowing that God's orginal creation was not meant to be this way. Sin is so devistating as we all can see from the front pages of the newspapers. How I can't wait until the day that the curse will be reversed and sin is finally judged once and for all.
And yet as I say this in my heart I look inside and see my sin and then fear grips me as I don't want to stand before the Lord and give an account for all the things that I have done wrong. My heart is going in every direction right now. I know that Jesus has redeemed me, yet my emotions are still all over the place.
As I go back to thinking about Adam and Eve in the Garden, when they blew it they had no idea what the result would be. There son was a murderer. He killed his own brother. And that tragedy, that same sin has gone on all through the ages where it culminates in today's headlines that 32 were slain and another took his own life.
What this does to me is it causes me to see the urgency of telling people about Jesus. The reality is that all 33 of those people are in eternity. I do not know who were or were not Christians out of that group, but all of them are in eternity and that could be a blessing or it could be a scary thing. I wonder how many of them woke up that morning thinking that they would be in eternity that day? Probably not many of them. Probably none of them. And yet reality hits and there they are in eternity. They are either with the Lord or they are in hell. My prayer is that they are with the Lord.
Father,
Teach me to number my days. I don't know how much time I have left or how much time my friends and family have left. Please use me for your glory. Help me to get the good news out that you made a way for people to not go to hell. Time is short and we do not have much time left. Please use me as a light for your glory.
Please bring comfort to the families that have suffered this horrible tragedy. Please use this nightmare to cause those who don't know you to think about eternity and to get right with their Creator, You. In Jesus name I pray....
Amen
And yet as I say this in my heart I look inside and see my sin and then fear grips me as I don't want to stand before the Lord and give an account for all the things that I have done wrong. My heart is going in every direction right now. I know that Jesus has redeemed me, yet my emotions are still all over the place.
As I go back to thinking about Adam and Eve in the Garden, when they blew it they had no idea what the result would be. There son was a murderer. He killed his own brother. And that tragedy, that same sin has gone on all through the ages where it culminates in today's headlines that 32 were slain and another took his own life.
What this does to me is it causes me to see the urgency of telling people about Jesus. The reality is that all 33 of those people are in eternity. I do not know who were or were not Christians out of that group, but all of them are in eternity and that could be a blessing or it could be a scary thing. I wonder how many of them woke up that morning thinking that they would be in eternity that day? Probably not many of them. Probably none of them. And yet reality hits and there they are in eternity. They are either with the Lord or they are in hell. My prayer is that they are with the Lord.
Father,
Teach me to number my days. I don't know how much time I have left or how much time my friends and family have left. Please use me for your glory. Help me to get the good news out that you made a way for people to not go to hell. Time is short and we do not have much time left. Please use me as a light for your glory.
Please bring comfort to the families that have suffered this horrible tragedy. Please use this nightmare to cause those who don't know you to think about eternity and to get right with their Creator, You. In Jesus name I pray....
Amen
prayer
So I took some night time meds for allergies by mistake instead of the day time ones.....and man am I sleepy yet I am at work and have to endure. If you get a moment, please pray. I can barely breath as my nose is so plugged and I am very tired.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Journal 4/13/07
Father,
Please do a work in your people around the world. Cause us to hunger and thirst for you in ways that we never have before. Please let your holy fire fall down upon us as you ignite our passion. Use us to reach the lost, and use me Jesus to teach and bring others into your wonderful presence.
You are so holy, and pure and I am grateful that you love me. Wow.
What are you and I going to do in heaven? We will do what Adam did in the Garden of Eden. We will walk with God in the cool of the day. When we understand the bible, it is awesome what is going to happen.
In the 1st few chapters of the book of Genesis we see the creation of man and the fellowship that man had with God. We also see the fall of man. In the last chapter of the bible; chapter 22 of the book of Revelation it shows us a picture of a city which is the heavenly Jerusalem.
There is a river coming from the throne God. It shows us a place that we know as paradise. There it has the tree of life that you and I will eat from. Do you remember that tree of life that was in the Garden of Eden? When man fell, and God placed angels in front of this tree of Life to guard it so that no one could eat of it. Why?
Because in God’s mercy he did not want fallen man to live forever in their wicked and sinful bodies. So he is going to glorify you and I and then we will again have access to that tree of life. And it says in Revelation that the curse will be lifted. The curse will be reversed.
It takes the ENTIRE bible to lay down God’s plan of redemption. When you understand and can see the whole picture, it is so exciting that God is going to one day really walk with you and I. Oh I can't wait.
Come Lord Jesus!
Please do a work in your people around the world. Cause us to hunger and thirst for you in ways that we never have before. Please let your holy fire fall down upon us as you ignite our passion. Use us to reach the lost, and use me Jesus to teach and bring others into your wonderful presence.
You are so holy, and pure and I am grateful that you love me. Wow.
What are you and I going to do in heaven? We will do what Adam did in the Garden of Eden. We will walk with God in the cool of the day. When we understand the bible, it is awesome what is going to happen.
In the 1st few chapters of the book of Genesis we see the creation of man and the fellowship that man had with God. We also see the fall of man. In the last chapter of the bible; chapter 22 of the book of Revelation it shows us a picture of a city which is the heavenly Jerusalem.
There is a river coming from the throne God. It shows us a place that we know as paradise. There it has the tree of life that you and I will eat from. Do you remember that tree of life that was in the Garden of Eden? When man fell, and God placed angels in front of this tree of Life to guard it so that no one could eat of it. Why?
Because in God’s mercy he did not want fallen man to live forever in their wicked and sinful bodies. So he is going to glorify you and I and then we will again have access to that tree of life. And it says in Revelation that the curse will be lifted. The curse will be reversed.
It takes the ENTIRE bible to lay down God’s plan of redemption. When you understand and can see the whole picture, it is so exciting that God is going to one day really walk with you and I. Oh I can't wait.
Come Lord Jesus!
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Journal 4/11/07
My whole life I place in Your hands, God of Mercy I cry out and plead for your unfailing, never changing mercy to be poured onto my life as I humbly I bow down in Your presence. Every time I call out to You, You answer, and You come to my rescue which causes me to desire to be where You are. Be lifted high in my life, in my world, and in my soul. There is no one else for me but You Jesus because You died for me and now I live to bring You praise. All my hope is in You alone.
I need to be more consistent in my walk with You. Will You help me to walk in holiness on a regular basis? It is so easy for me to play the part but to actually live out the life that You desire me to live is a whole different story and I utterly fail. I fall miserably short.
I hate the fact that at the end of the day I stand as a fallen rebellious soul who is simply hopeless. And I have no excuse Jesus, I am unclean and that reality hits me deeply. I am so tired of making empty promises to You that I simply fail to commit myself to. What can I say? I stand here without excuse. And that is why I am coming to You Jesus. You say that I can come boldly with confidence into Your throne room to find grace in my time of need and I need Your grace. I need Your forgiveness and I need to meet with You.
I stand here, with my arms stretched out pleading for mercy. I abandon my heart as I embrace Your grace. I surrender myself once again to You as I stand here in total awe that You gave all of You for me. All I have and all that I am belongs to You now. You are the Master and I am the servant and I like it that way. Help me to serve in Your courts all the days of my life Jesus.
I love You…..in Jesus name I pray…..Amen
I need to be more consistent in my walk with You. Will You help me to walk in holiness on a regular basis? It is so easy for me to play the part but to actually live out the life that You desire me to live is a whole different story and I utterly fail. I fall miserably short.
I hate the fact that at the end of the day I stand as a fallen rebellious soul who is simply hopeless. And I have no excuse Jesus, I am unclean and that reality hits me deeply. I am so tired of making empty promises to You that I simply fail to commit myself to. What can I say? I stand here without excuse. And that is why I am coming to You Jesus. You say that I can come boldly with confidence into Your throne room to find grace in my time of need and I need Your grace. I need Your forgiveness and I need to meet with You.
I stand here, with my arms stretched out pleading for mercy. I abandon my heart as I embrace Your grace. I surrender myself once again to You as I stand here in total awe that You gave all of You for me. All I have and all that I am belongs to You now. You are the Master and I am the servant and I like it that way. Help me to serve in Your courts all the days of my life Jesus.
I love You…..in Jesus name I pray…..Amen
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Journal 4/10/07
What will we do when the music stops? Will we still have that spring in our step or will we simply go to the side lines and stop dancing? When the scriptures tell us to make melodies in our hearts; can we do that when the music is not there? What will we do? Will we be those kind of Christians who live off the past work of the Lord? Will we only reminisce of the good times when the dance floor was full of life? Will we live in that place where we don’t move forward but stay in that place where we think about the past as we try to live our current life off the times of the past?
I think of the stars in heaven. You look at those stars and you say, “Wow that is a beautifully bright and shining star!” But most of us know that when we look at a star, we are not seeing the light of the star that was shining that day. The light that we are seeing could take 5 years to reach the earth.
That means that when we look at the brightness of a star and see that is it shining brightly, it could have already died. We are only seeing the light that it once had. One day we will see ultimately that it is dead but that will take some time.
I wonder how many of our walks with the Lord are built on and are living in the past. What a word for us right now. What a word for me! Are we living in our past experiences with God? Are we saying that was a great work of God? It certainly was. But what is going on today? Is our walk with the Lord like that star that is shining but is really already dead? Is it just the light of the past that we are living on that will ultimately fizzle out? Where are we at with the Lord? For me; I have been living in past glory. I have not been living on the current fresh living word of God and I fear that if I remain in this place that the light may fizzle out if it is not already dead.
The solution: Repent. That is all that I need to do. I simply need to repent and turn to the Lord. I no longer need to live in past glory but in new fresh living glory. God is so good and I am so grateful that he loves me the way in which he does. There is such a beautiful simplicity when it comes to Jesus. He really makes it easy for us to simply sit with him.
The Lord desires to do a new work in all of our lives, but we must move forward. We have to leave the dance floor of the past and move on. We MUST move forward…..will we? What will you do? We must leave the elementary things of the past and move on to the finer dances of life. The dances now can be way more intimate than ever before, as the Lord desires to take us from the fast dances of childish faith to the finer slower, intimate dances where he takes our hand and leads us in the most intricate and interwoven steps where we become one with him.
What will we do when the music stops? I don’t know about you, but I am going to get ready for the next dance…..as I wait for the Lord of the Dance.
I think of the stars in heaven. You look at those stars and you say, “Wow that is a beautifully bright and shining star!” But most of us know that when we look at a star, we are not seeing the light of the star that was shining that day. The light that we are seeing could take 5 years to reach the earth.
That means that when we look at the brightness of a star and see that is it shining brightly, it could have already died. We are only seeing the light that it once had. One day we will see ultimately that it is dead but that will take some time.
I wonder how many of our walks with the Lord are built on and are living in the past. What a word for us right now. What a word for me! Are we living in our past experiences with God? Are we saying that was a great work of God? It certainly was. But what is going on today? Is our walk with the Lord like that star that is shining but is really already dead? Is it just the light of the past that we are living on that will ultimately fizzle out? Where are we at with the Lord? For me; I have been living in past glory. I have not been living on the current fresh living word of God and I fear that if I remain in this place that the light may fizzle out if it is not already dead.
The solution: Repent. That is all that I need to do. I simply need to repent and turn to the Lord. I no longer need to live in past glory but in new fresh living glory. God is so good and I am so grateful that he loves me the way in which he does. There is such a beautiful simplicity when it comes to Jesus. He really makes it easy for us to simply sit with him.
The Lord desires to do a new work in all of our lives, but we must move forward. We have to leave the dance floor of the past and move on. We MUST move forward…..will we? What will you do? We must leave the elementary things of the past and move on to the finer dances of life. The dances now can be way more intimate than ever before, as the Lord desires to take us from the fast dances of childish faith to the finer slower, intimate dances where he takes our hand and leads us in the most intricate and interwoven steps where we become one with him.
What will we do when the music stops? I don’t know about you, but I am going to get ready for the next dance…..as I wait for the Lord of the Dance.
Monday, April 09, 2007
Update
So the worship pastor of my church (Calvary Chapel Portland) called me and asked me to record one of my worship songs on their next CD. Talk about cool! that is so exciting. Please pray for me that the Lord would bless the recording. I think I will start recording this Saturday....
Also, I have new recording software and am in the process of recording my own CD. I need prayer as I have 18 original songs and I need to figure out which ones to put onto the CD. I also need prayer as I have never recorded a CD before and I am doing it all from my computer so if you could lift that up, that would be a blessing.
And lastly, I wrote a novel and I am wanting to get it published yet am clueless as to where to place it or what to do with it. So please pray for me with this as well. Thank you all very much.
Bill
Also, I have new recording software and am in the process of recording my own CD. I need prayer as I have 18 original songs and I need to figure out which ones to put onto the CD. I also need prayer as I have never recorded a CD before and I am doing it all from my computer so if you could lift that up, that would be a blessing.
And lastly, I wrote a novel and I am wanting to get it published yet am clueless as to where to place it or what to do with it. So please pray for me with this as well. Thank you all very much.
Bill
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Journal 4/3/07
I love Spring! What a wonderful season as the winds of change start breathing new life into the air. The winter chill is slowly dissipating as those things that appeared dead and dormant spring back to life.
What a picture of my spiritual life. So many times I am dead or dormant in my walk with the Lord and then all of a sudden the seasons change spiritually and the Lord breathes fresh new life into my weary and apathetic soul. And when those times do come I am able to see Jesus in a whole new light, as he becomes fresh or is it that he refreshes me because he is so refreshing!
But do not be deceived; spring has not yet come for me spiritually, I am still in the dead of winter and though I may not be refreshed now, I do hope for new hop in my step spiritually real soon. The Lord simply is too caring to leave me here in this place of hibernation for too long. He will come for me and when he does, all I can say is wow.
The Lord is returning and though the weight of this life is crushing at times, what a ride it will be when Jesus returns for his bride. I can’t wait……well, I have to wait, but boy do I look forward to that wonderful day! Come Lord Jesus Come!
What a picture of my spiritual life. So many times I am dead or dormant in my walk with the Lord and then all of a sudden the seasons change spiritually and the Lord breathes fresh new life into my weary and apathetic soul. And when those times do come I am able to see Jesus in a whole new light, as he becomes fresh or is it that he refreshes me because he is so refreshing!
But do not be deceived; spring has not yet come for me spiritually, I am still in the dead of winter and though I may not be refreshed now, I do hope for new hop in my step spiritually real soon. The Lord simply is too caring to leave me here in this place of hibernation for too long. He will come for me and when he does, all I can say is wow.
The Lord is returning and though the weight of this life is crushing at times, what a ride it will be when Jesus returns for his bride. I can’t wait……well, I have to wait, but boy do I look forward to that wonderful day! Come Lord Jesus Come!
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Journal 3/28/07
Sometimes it is so hard to breath as life chokes away and clouds my mind in despair. And as I try to focus through all the fog I lose my sense of purpose until I ponder upon You in all Your glory; for I know that your eyes of fire see right through me. And I feel so ashamed. I feel so disfigured and lost. If my life is to be pictured as a painting then I feel as if my colors are bleeding all over the place. I sometimes feel trapped as if I have locked myself in a room of walls colored in despair and hopelessness. These walls are too high and yet I have locked myself in from the inside.
As a boy I would hide from the eyes that would haunt me. I ran from the fire as it chased and burned away the very core of who I was. I ran and ran as I cowered in fear and shame from the enemy that wanted to kill me. My eyes were cut away in darkness and I was unable to see and feel that I was hungry; naked and hopeless. I was so lost. I ran on broken feet until I could no longer run from the pain swelling deep inside me. I was forced to crawl. I was a beggar as I pleaded for mercy on my face. I moved in fear and despair until I came to a place where I saw You on bended knee with Your arms open.
But I am not a boy now and yet I find myself in this isolated room of darkness as I tread the waters of fear. I cry out, “Take me from all that is wrong and evil in my life! Please collapse these walls that I have labored and strained to build! Woe is me for these walls haunt me! They taunt my soul and I cannot take anymore of this! Please let these tears of mine that flood this room collapse the very walls that have strangled this life of mine. These walls crush me and I can no longer contain myself.”
So I stumble through the darkness and as I swim in my tears. I struggle and gasp for air as the torrents flood and drench my tear stained face. It is in this place of utter misery and fear that I look and see a small light. And in my minds eye I can see that You are that light that is here with me. Your light shines in the midst of the misery that entails my soul. I am afflicted, I am torn, I am in a place of utter desolation and Your light is here shining upon the horizon of my life. So I start to follow Your light as I again swim. Oh how Your light shines. I frantically splash and strain as I move through the crashing waves to find a way out of this room that I have built and locked myself into.
I feel the power of darkness as it tries to overtake me. And though the mountains fall upon me yet I will trust in You. For who have I but You? The Lord is the light of my salvation and the strength of my life. Who shall I fear O Lord? Of whom shall I be afraid? You are my comfort and my sustainer. And in You alone do I trust, even when I feel as if I am alone, I will place my trust in You alone! Praise be to God the Father through the blood of His Son Jesus Christ that I am able to stand in the midst of darkness until His light shines through and delivers me yet again from the fear that grips my soul.
I love you Jesus.
Bill
As a boy I would hide from the eyes that would haunt me. I ran from the fire as it chased and burned away the very core of who I was. I ran and ran as I cowered in fear and shame from the enemy that wanted to kill me. My eyes were cut away in darkness and I was unable to see and feel that I was hungry; naked and hopeless. I was so lost. I ran on broken feet until I could no longer run from the pain swelling deep inside me. I was forced to crawl. I was a beggar as I pleaded for mercy on my face. I moved in fear and despair until I came to a place where I saw You on bended knee with Your arms open.
But I am not a boy now and yet I find myself in this isolated room of darkness as I tread the waters of fear. I cry out, “Take me from all that is wrong and evil in my life! Please collapse these walls that I have labored and strained to build! Woe is me for these walls haunt me! They taunt my soul and I cannot take anymore of this! Please let these tears of mine that flood this room collapse the very walls that have strangled this life of mine. These walls crush me and I can no longer contain myself.”
So I stumble through the darkness and as I swim in my tears. I struggle and gasp for air as the torrents flood and drench my tear stained face. It is in this place of utter misery and fear that I look and see a small light. And in my minds eye I can see that You are that light that is here with me. Your light shines in the midst of the misery that entails my soul. I am afflicted, I am torn, I am in a place of utter desolation and Your light is here shining upon the horizon of my life. So I start to follow Your light as I again swim. Oh how Your light shines. I frantically splash and strain as I move through the crashing waves to find a way out of this room that I have built and locked myself into.
I feel the power of darkness as it tries to overtake me. And though the mountains fall upon me yet I will trust in You. For who have I but You? The Lord is the light of my salvation and the strength of my life. Who shall I fear O Lord? Of whom shall I be afraid? You are my comfort and my sustainer. And in You alone do I trust, even when I feel as if I am alone, I will place my trust in You alone! Praise be to God the Father through the blood of His Son Jesus Christ that I am able to stand in the midst of darkness until His light shines through and delivers me yet again from the fear that grips my soul.
I love you Jesus.
Bill
Update
I have been battling a cold/flu and I am totally wiped out. If you get a chance please pray for me....thanks.
Friday, March 23, 2007
Journal 3/23/07
Father,
You are the reason I live; I am so amazed at who you are and the destiny that I have because I am one of yours. You are the treasure that I seek; I seek you more than any precious ruby; for you are priceless. You are the song that I sing; you are the melody in my heart. You cause me to cry out in praise as I see you in your glory. You are the air that I breath and the water that I drink; you sustain my every fiber as you nourish my soul. May your will be done in me all the days of my life. May you freely reign in my heart mind and soul. You are my quest as I journey this life with you next to me. I look forward to the journey of life that you have taken me upon. What an adventure life is. You are the fire in my soul; you cleanse and wash and purify me. You are my consuming love and passion and I am grateful that you love me.. Please Lord rule over me and show me your ways as I lay myself at your alter of love.
I look forward to the marriage that will take place on that day when you come back for me. I can’t wait until you rapture me Jesus. I can’t wait to come back with you in your 2nd Coming. What a joy that will be when your bride returns with you as the future events unfold. I love you Jesus.
Bill
You are the reason I live; I am so amazed at who you are and the destiny that I have because I am one of yours. You are the treasure that I seek; I seek you more than any precious ruby; for you are priceless. You are the song that I sing; you are the melody in my heart. You cause me to cry out in praise as I see you in your glory. You are the air that I breath and the water that I drink; you sustain my every fiber as you nourish my soul. May your will be done in me all the days of my life. May you freely reign in my heart mind and soul. You are my quest as I journey this life with you next to me. I look forward to the journey of life that you have taken me upon. What an adventure life is. You are the fire in my soul; you cleanse and wash and purify me. You are my consuming love and passion and I am grateful that you love me.. Please Lord rule over me and show me your ways as I lay myself at your alter of love.
I look forward to the marriage that will take place on that day when you come back for me. I can’t wait until you rapture me Jesus. I can’t wait to come back with you in your 2nd Coming. What a joy that will be when your bride returns with you as the future events unfold. I love you Jesus.
Bill
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Journal 3/21/07 - Part 2
It has been said that man would climb the highest heights and walk the lowest depths for the sake of love. And as people romanticize about love they tend to believe that they would endure any hardship for the sake of love. But will man really journey through the darkest of times for love’s sake? Will a man press on day after day as he searches for his lost love with an unrelenting passion? Will the winds of life encourage the man to press on and to continue moving forward in the face of adversity? Or will the stress of this lost love consume the man to the point of utter exhaustion causing him to wither up and die like a leaf without water? Will he press on, endure and with all that is inside of him search frantically for that love that he so desperately needs? Or will he die a bitter lonely death as he rots from the inside out?
Will a man swim the seas searching for that which is merely intangible or will he search frantically for something that is so hard to obtain and keep in his possession? Love! What will mankind do for love?
We tend to believe in the idea that man is willing to do whatever it takes to be in the presence of the one they love. We believe that we as a fallen people are capable of loving in such a way that it drives us. Are we driven? Will we journey through seven hells just to be with the one we love?
How I long to be a man who is driven with a passion that consumes me from the inside out. How I long to pursue the one who loves me yet when I realize and see what my heart is capable of, I tend to think that there is not enough drive or passion in any man to faithfully seek the one whom they love. At best, we may move in that direction but no man is capable of loving in this way. It is not something that we can do in our fallen state.
Yet there is One who can and who has done this very thing. The Lover of my soul has endured! He has gone to the greatest depths and the harshest of storms for the sake of the love that consumed Him. His passion for me, took him on a journey that was filled with pain, grief, sorrow, despair, and hope.
For the hope set before Him he endured all things so that at last he could be with me. And I am absolutely blown away that I am the object of passion that would cause another to pursue me through all the storms. I am in awe that I would be the passion of someone who would leave the very gates of paradise to be with me. Why? I am not worthy of this sort of passion. Why would you lay your eyes upon me and pursue me?
When I look at the journey that was taken to reach me; I am moved in the very depths of my soul. You sought me! You pursued me! You love me! You love to be with me! You love to pour your heart out to me! You are consumed with thoughts of me!
I am utterly speechless and am overtaken with astonishment! And it is not that I am the greater person here. You are the King of kings and the Lord of lords. You are the Creator of all things and I am a mere peon in light of who you are. And though it should have been the other way around where I pursue you and journey in passion to find you, it was not that way. You sought me. You endured for me. You laid your eyes upon me and never lost focus, you never lost heart; you never gave up.
So I stand here now, completely undone in the presence of the King of kings. I am not worthy Jesus. I am not worthy to be loved in the manner in which you love me. I am not worthy!!!! You are worthy! You deserve my passion and love and yet its flipped around. You offer me salvation; you freely offer me freedom from my bonds and I accept. I want to be free. Your love towards me compels me to seek your face. I am Your beloved and you love me as I am…..Whoa!
Thank you for loving me. Thank you for searching me out and thank you for finding me and freeing me. There is no other place that I would rather be than with you. And yet I hear the words so clearly from your lips that there is no other place that you would rather be than with me. I don’t know what to say to that! My mouth simply drops in totally amazement and gratefulness. Thank you my Lord for leaving glory and your throne and your heavenly place and seeking me out until you found me, healed me, cleaned me and I look forward to you bringing me with you back into your heavenly kingdom.
I love you Jesus but more importantly, you love me!
Bill
Will a man swim the seas searching for that which is merely intangible or will he search frantically for something that is so hard to obtain and keep in his possession? Love! What will mankind do for love?
We tend to believe in the idea that man is willing to do whatever it takes to be in the presence of the one they love. We believe that we as a fallen people are capable of loving in such a way that it drives us. Are we driven? Will we journey through seven hells just to be with the one we love?
How I long to be a man who is driven with a passion that consumes me from the inside out. How I long to pursue the one who loves me yet when I realize and see what my heart is capable of, I tend to think that there is not enough drive or passion in any man to faithfully seek the one whom they love. At best, we may move in that direction but no man is capable of loving in this way. It is not something that we can do in our fallen state.
Yet there is One who can and who has done this very thing. The Lover of my soul has endured! He has gone to the greatest depths and the harshest of storms for the sake of the love that consumed Him. His passion for me, took him on a journey that was filled with pain, grief, sorrow, despair, and hope.
For the hope set before Him he endured all things so that at last he could be with me. And I am absolutely blown away that I am the object of passion that would cause another to pursue me through all the storms. I am in awe that I would be the passion of someone who would leave the very gates of paradise to be with me. Why? I am not worthy of this sort of passion. Why would you lay your eyes upon me and pursue me?
When I look at the journey that was taken to reach me; I am moved in the very depths of my soul. You sought me! You pursued me! You love me! You love to be with me! You love to pour your heart out to me! You are consumed with thoughts of me!
I am utterly speechless and am overtaken with astonishment! And it is not that I am the greater person here. You are the King of kings and the Lord of lords. You are the Creator of all things and I am a mere peon in light of who you are. And though it should have been the other way around where I pursue you and journey in passion to find you, it was not that way. You sought me. You endured for me. You laid your eyes upon me and never lost focus, you never lost heart; you never gave up.
So I stand here now, completely undone in the presence of the King of kings. I am not worthy Jesus. I am not worthy to be loved in the manner in which you love me. I am not worthy!!!! You are worthy! You deserve my passion and love and yet its flipped around. You offer me salvation; you freely offer me freedom from my bonds and I accept. I want to be free. Your love towards me compels me to seek your face. I am Your beloved and you love me as I am…..Whoa!
Thank you for loving me. Thank you for searching me out and thank you for finding me and freeing me. There is no other place that I would rather be than with you. And yet I hear the words so clearly from your lips that there is no other place that you would rather be than with me. I don’t know what to say to that! My mouth simply drops in totally amazement and gratefulness. Thank you my Lord for leaving glory and your throne and your heavenly place and seeking me out until you found me, healed me, cleaned me and I look forward to you bringing me with you back into your heavenly kingdom.
I love you Jesus but more importantly, you love me!
Bill
Journal 3/21/07
Father,
My heart is so hardened and numb to sin. I tend to drink it up and I hate the fact that I do so. Please teach me to number my days Lord. If I but would number my days I would have more incentive in my mind to do what I know is right and to not continue indulging in the flesh. I hate indulging in the flesh. I hate the fact that I love sin. I wish I had your heart towards sin. I wish I were appalled by it as I know I ought to be. Yet time and time again I drink it like water. And when I come to my senses I see how deceived I have been. I need your help Jesus as I live day by day and moment by moment in surrendering myself to you.
At least that is what I need to do. I need to live every moment in utter surrender. The English language is an interesting language. The word obedience has nine letters in it. If I truly want to surrender my life to Jesus then I need to place my self right in the center of obedience with the Lord. If you take the word obedience and use the center of the word obe-DIE-nce, then that is what I have to do. I have to die. In order to surrender fully to the Lord I need to die. I need to crucify my flesh and feed the Spirit that is in me.
Jesus, help me to surrender my will, my heart, my desires to you fully. Help me to die so that you might live in me. I am so frustrated with who I am apart from you. I am an utter disaster and mess.
Yet you love me and because of the work that you did when you placed yourself on the cross to take the wrath of God and the sin of man, I am able to come to you and to be cleansed. Please clean me Jesus in a practical way. Please help me to walk consistently in the ways of righteousness. Help my day to day life match my positional life in you. You have declared me clean; please help my actions to declare that louder than it has.
I worship you Jesus because you are worthy to be exalted. Thank you for loving a wretch like me.
To run and work the law commands
Yet gives me neither feet nor hands
But better news the gospel brings
It bids me fly and gives me wings!
My heart is so hardened and numb to sin. I tend to drink it up and I hate the fact that I do so. Please teach me to number my days Lord. If I but would number my days I would have more incentive in my mind to do what I know is right and to not continue indulging in the flesh. I hate indulging in the flesh. I hate the fact that I love sin. I wish I had your heart towards sin. I wish I were appalled by it as I know I ought to be. Yet time and time again I drink it like water. And when I come to my senses I see how deceived I have been. I need your help Jesus as I live day by day and moment by moment in surrendering myself to you.
At least that is what I need to do. I need to live every moment in utter surrender. The English language is an interesting language. The word obedience has nine letters in it. If I truly want to surrender my life to Jesus then I need to place my self right in the center of obedience with the Lord. If you take the word obedience and use the center of the word obe-DIE-nce, then that is what I have to do. I have to die. In order to surrender fully to the Lord I need to die. I need to crucify my flesh and feed the Spirit that is in me.
Jesus, help me to surrender my will, my heart, my desires to you fully. Help me to die so that you might live in me. I am so frustrated with who I am apart from you. I am an utter disaster and mess.
Yet you love me and because of the work that you did when you placed yourself on the cross to take the wrath of God and the sin of man, I am able to come to you and to be cleansed. Please clean me Jesus in a practical way. Please help me to walk consistently in the ways of righteousness. Help my day to day life match my positional life in you. You have declared me clean; please help my actions to declare that louder than it has.
I worship you Jesus because you are worthy to be exalted. Thank you for loving a wretch like me.
To run and work the law commands
Yet gives me neither feet nor hands
But better news the gospel brings
It bids me fly and gives me wings!
Monday, March 19, 2007
Journal 3/19/07
So today is my brother's birthday. How I wish he would return to the Lord that is if he ever turned to the Lord in the 1st place. For the next three days he and I will both be the same age and then I will add another number to my age and be the older brother again.
It is so amazing as I am able to look at those closest to me; those I grew up with and I am able to see the results of the choices they have made. So often sin entices me and as I feel almost obligated to give into the compulsion of my flesh. In those times when I look at the results of bad decisions or sinful behavior by those closest to me (not just my brother), it really sobers me up and the Lord uses this to show me the results of a sinful life. And when I muse upon these things in sobriety of thought; when I simply contemplate this, I am able to see the deceitfulness of sin and the net that it really is.
How I hate sin, yet time and time again, my flesh entices me to partake and taste of the vomit. And sin truly is vomit. Why is it that I can get so deceived at times and think that vomit will actually taste good? Vomit never tastes good...ever!
And I am so grateful that the Lord has blessed us with repentance. We are now able to fully repent because of the work that He did on the cross. Before I was saved, I was unable to repent, my appetite for sin was too great and if I stopped feeding my flesh in one area of my life I had to then over feed it in another area.
But it is not like that now. Though I am constantly deceived by the wickedness of my own heart, I have found the greatest food supply of all time. I can feast on real food and I never have to return to the vomit of sin. I have been (past tense according to Romans 6) delivered from my sins and I am free now. All because of what the Lord did for me on the cross. Thank you Jesus for loving me and for cleansing me. Thank you that you are able to satisfy my appetite and thirst with your living water. I will never thirst again when I feed off your word. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Bill
It is so amazing as I am able to look at those closest to me; those I grew up with and I am able to see the results of the choices they have made. So often sin entices me and as I feel almost obligated to give into the compulsion of my flesh. In those times when I look at the results of bad decisions or sinful behavior by those closest to me (not just my brother), it really sobers me up and the Lord uses this to show me the results of a sinful life. And when I muse upon these things in sobriety of thought; when I simply contemplate this, I am able to see the deceitfulness of sin and the net that it really is.
How I hate sin, yet time and time again, my flesh entices me to partake and taste of the vomit. And sin truly is vomit. Why is it that I can get so deceived at times and think that vomit will actually taste good? Vomit never tastes good...ever!
And I am so grateful that the Lord has blessed us with repentance. We are now able to fully repent because of the work that He did on the cross. Before I was saved, I was unable to repent, my appetite for sin was too great and if I stopped feeding my flesh in one area of my life I had to then over feed it in another area.
But it is not like that now. Though I am constantly deceived by the wickedness of my own heart, I have found the greatest food supply of all time. I can feast on real food and I never have to return to the vomit of sin. I have been (past tense according to Romans 6) delivered from my sins and I am free now. All because of what the Lord did for me on the cross. Thank you Jesus for loving me and for cleansing me. Thank you that you are able to satisfy my appetite and thirst with your living water. I will never thirst again when I feed off your word. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Bill
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Journal 3/15/07
Come quickly Lord Jesus. Please come for me. Please take me away to be with you. How I need to be with you so desperately these days. You sustain me and I desire more and more of you. How much longer will I need to endure in this body of flesh Lord? I want more than a taste of you; I desire to see you in your fullness and in your glory.
Please lead me and sanctify me. I am so unclean when I am not in your presence and I desire your presence more than anything else in life. I hunger to be at the throne room there in heaven where true worship is happening. I thirst for you Jesus! I pant as I desperately long to be near you, to be touched by you. I love you and you love me. How much longer Jesus until you come for your bride? We desire you.
This world is so dark and depraved. It is full of deception and this world tends to deceive me more and more. My flesh deceives me. I deceive myself and I am tired of going back and forth.
Please save my kids Jesus. Please save Ronnie, Billy, Tobias and Mercy. Please let them have a taste of your glory and let them see how good you really are. Please show them their sin and teach them your ways Lord. Please wash and purify them and cause them to desire holiness. Please speak to them Lord and show them their purpose. Please redeem them as you have redeemed me from the ashes of my sin.
Please draw near to them. Let their prayers be filled with praising you. Please let them hear and see and feel how close you are to them. Please do a work in their life Lord.
You are such a good Father and wonderful, merciful friend. You love me because you love me and when the clouds cover me, you are there as my shelter. Every storm I come across you are always there catching my tears as you cradle me under your wings. You alone cause me to turn from weeping and wailing as your love for me causes me to dance and sing. I WORSHIP YOU JESUS! The Rock of my Salvation, You ROCK!!!
And when my eyes shed tears like a sudden flood it is at those times that I know you are holding me close to you. I know there are times and seasons and in all the different times and seasons that I experience I can see you there with me. When I am broken or proud, when I am walking in holiness or blatant rebellion and sin, you are there with me. And I thank you for that. Thank you for not leaving me when I stumble and fall flat on my face. Thank you for picking up the pieces in my life.
You declared in Romans 5:20 that where sin abounds grace abound much more. Thank you that there is always enough grace to cover any sin I do. And I thank you that grace is not a license to sin, but it is a license FROM sin. I am free because of the work that you did on the cross. You have delivered me and I am free now. Thank you. I praise your name because you are wonderful and powerful and you love me more than with just words but you demonstrated how much you loved me when you willingly laid down your life as a ransom for mine. THANK YOU JESUS!!!!
I love you…..
Bill Scott, Sr.
Please lead me and sanctify me. I am so unclean when I am not in your presence and I desire your presence more than anything else in life. I hunger to be at the throne room there in heaven where true worship is happening. I thirst for you Jesus! I pant as I desperately long to be near you, to be touched by you. I love you and you love me. How much longer Jesus until you come for your bride? We desire you.
This world is so dark and depraved. It is full of deception and this world tends to deceive me more and more. My flesh deceives me. I deceive myself and I am tired of going back and forth.
Please save my kids Jesus. Please save Ronnie, Billy, Tobias and Mercy. Please let them have a taste of your glory and let them see how good you really are. Please show them their sin and teach them your ways Lord. Please wash and purify them and cause them to desire holiness. Please speak to them Lord and show them their purpose. Please redeem them as you have redeemed me from the ashes of my sin.
Please draw near to them. Let their prayers be filled with praising you. Please let them hear and see and feel how close you are to them. Please do a work in their life Lord.
You are such a good Father and wonderful, merciful friend. You love me because you love me and when the clouds cover me, you are there as my shelter. Every storm I come across you are always there catching my tears as you cradle me under your wings. You alone cause me to turn from weeping and wailing as your love for me causes me to dance and sing. I WORSHIP YOU JESUS! The Rock of my Salvation, You ROCK!!!
And when my eyes shed tears like a sudden flood it is at those times that I know you are holding me close to you. I know there are times and seasons and in all the different times and seasons that I experience I can see you there with me. When I am broken or proud, when I am walking in holiness or blatant rebellion and sin, you are there with me. And I thank you for that. Thank you for not leaving me when I stumble and fall flat on my face. Thank you for picking up the pieces in my life.
You declared in Romans 5:20 that where sin abounds grace abound much more. Thank you that there is always enough grace to cover any sin I do. And I thank you that grace is not a license to sin, but it is a license FROM sin. I am free because of the work that you did on the cross. You have delivered me and I am free now. Thank you. I praise your name because you are wonderful and powerful and you love me more than with just words but you demonstrated how much you loved me when you willingly laid down your life as a ransom for mine. THANK YOU JESUS!!!!
I love you…..
Bill Scott, Sr.
Friday, March 09, 2007
Journal 3/9/07
So a friend of mine called me just now and gave me a scripture that he was reading. He said when he read it he thought of me and I will tell you what, I am so blessed that he called me and shared this with me. This is what body life is about. God is so good and the scripture that my friend shared with me has been my heart.
Psalm 34:8 - Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good; Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!
How I long to taste and see the Lord as he moves in the church once again. I had a glimpse of this when I was in California through my church Calvary Chapel Saving Grace. The Spirit of God was moving. You could truly taste and see the Lord in the midst of the church as His life just flowed from the alter. And my desire has been to see the Lord duplicate that work here in Portland. And by faith I trust that the Lord will do this…..it really excites me.
So to my friend who shared this scripture with me, thank you. You have no idea how that ministered to me just now. Just wait because we are going to see the Spirit of God move in power though his church here in Portland and we will be able to taste and see that the Lord Jesus is good.
Psalm 34:8 - Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good; Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!
How I long to taste and see the Lord as he moves in the church once again. I had a glimpse of this when I was in California through my church Calvary Chapel Saving Grace. The Spirit of God was moving. You could truly taste and see the Lord in the midst of the church as His life just flowed from the alter. And my desire has been to see the Lord duplicate that work here in Portland. And by faith I trust that the Lord will do this…..it really excites me.
So to my friend who shared this scripture with me, thank you. You have no idea how that ministered to me just now. Just wait because we are going to see the Spirit of God move in power though his church here in Portland and we will be able to taste and see that the Lord Jesus is good.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Journal 3/8/07
The time has come for us to stand up for what we believe in. It is high time to give the Lord praise in all that we do because he gave himself for us. He is so worthy to be exalted by our hands. He is worthy to be magnified and adored because he is our faithful redeemer.
I live for you Jesus and I refuse to be ashamed of you. In my life, it is you above all else as my purpose is to lose myself in bringing you praise. Increase in me as I fade in the background of your reflection. I give all I am to seek your face because all I am is yours. You deserve nothing less than my all because you gave your all to redeem me. I praise your name Jesus.
Oh Jesus of Nazareth, King of kings and Lord of lords, I worship you and exalt you because you are my Savior and my God. I praise you Jesus. Today I live to worship you in everything that I do. Use me for your glory Jesus.
I love you Jesus Christ!
Bill
I live for you Jesus and I refuse to be ashamed of you. In my life, it is you above all else as my purpose is to lose myself in bringing you praise. Increase in me as I fade in the background of your reflection. I give all I am to seek your face because all I am is yours. You deserve nothing less than my all because you gave your all to redeem me. I praise your name Jesus.
Oh Jesus of Nazareth, King of kings and Lord of lords, I worship you and exalt you because you are my Savior and my God. I praise you Jesus. Today I live to worship you in everything that I do. Use me for your glory Jesus.
I love you Jesus Christ!
Bill
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Journal 3/7/07
Father,
I want my life to be lived in a way that it is all or nothing. I stand in awe in the fact that you gave up everything for me. I desire to give you my all. Because the reality is that all I am; is yours. All that I desire is simply you alone. There is nothing else that I want but you Jesus. You are what I desire and crave. You are my hope and my passion. All that I live for is the hope of experiencing all that you are. I hunger and thirst for you. In everything that I do I want to praise and exalt you! Please consume me and help me to love you on the inside. Help me to love your righteousness and justice from the depths of my being. I want to bring you praise Jesus. I want you to receive passion and praise from the depths of who I am. And I want my soul to be lit on fire with passion for your name.
I want to be where you are Jesus. I desperately seek your Spirit to fall upon Portland and upon the youth here. I desire to see you lifted high. Oh you are so worthy to be praised and magnified for you are holy and you love me. Whenever I call upon your name you hear and come to my rescue. Please pour out your spirits fire upon the city of Portland. Please move amongst your church here and light the church on fire with passion, revival and integrity. Please move your people to seek your face. Use me as a tool in the Masters hands to do your will.
What can I say? What can I really say or do but offer this heart of mine to you Jesus. I offer myself completely and wholly to you. I desire to lose myself in your grace. I want to disappear in your presence as you shine and reflect through me. I pray that your light would shine in the darkness when all other lights are fading. I desire to give all that I am when I seek your face. You are my God of mercy and compassion and you care for me.
My hands belong to you Jesus; please teach them to serve you fully. Help me to place my hand to the plow and sow for your namesake; for your kingdom. Help me to run this race with endurance as I am on this journey. I know that I will never be the same because you live in me. And I am ever so grateful that you sought me out and enabled me to seek your face. I am yours Jesus. You may do with me as you wish. I desire to be led by your Spirit as you move in my midst. I desire to be with you every moment of every day and I seek you to reign through my life.
You are everything I dreamed you would be and then some. You have captured my heart and I am in love with you Jesus. When I fail, your grace restores me. Will I continue to fail? I pray that would not be the case.
Lord, you know that in my passion for you that I can come off abrasive and I ask for your forgiveness. I thank you for the leadership that you have placed in my life; your wonderful church. I am so blessed to serve you under the leadership that you have established.
I pray that you would give the pastors and the teachers here in Portland vision. Give your bride a vision to reach the lost through the power of your spirit. Oh you love us so much and you desire to bring the people of Portland into that place where they can hear your voice and receive your salvation. So please stir up your people to pray and to stand in the gap for the people of this city and state. Thank you Jesus for loving us the way that you do. You never cease to amaze me.
I love you….
Bill
I want my life to be lived in a way that it is all or nothing. I stand in awe in the fact that you gave up everything for me. I desire to give you my all. Because the reality is that all I am; is yours. All that I desire is simply you alone. There is nothing else that I want but you Jesus. You are what I desire and crave. You are my hope and my passion. All that I live for is the hope of experiencing all that you are. I hunger and thirst for you. In everything that I do I want to praise and exalt you! Please consume me and help me to love you on the inside. Help me to love your righteousness and justice from the depths of my being. I want to bring you praise Jesus. I want you to receive passion and praise from the depths of who I am. And I want my soul to be lit on fire with passion for your name.
I want to be where you are Jesus. I desperately seek your Spirit to fall upon Portland and upon the youth here. I desire to see you lifted high. Oh you are so worthy to be praised and magnified for you are holy and you love me. Whenever I call upon your name you hear and come to my rescue. Please pour out your spirits fire upon the city of Portland. Please move amongst your church here and light the church on fire with passion, revival and integrity. Please move your people to seek your face. Use me as a tool in the Masters hands to do your will.
What can I say? What can I really say or do but offer this heart of mine to you Jesus. I offer myself completely and wholly to you. I desire to lose myself in your grace. I want to disappear in your presence as you shine and reflect through me. I pray that your light would shine in the darkness when all other lights are fading. I desire to give all that I am when I seek your face. You are my God of mercy and compassion and you care for me.
My hands belong to you Jesus; please teach them to serve you fully. Help me to place my hand to the plow and sow for your namesake; for your kingdom. Help me to run this race with endurance as I am on this journey. I know that I will never be the same because you live in me. And I am ever so grateful that you sought me out and enabled me to seek your face. I am yours Jesus. You may do with me as you wish. I desire to be led by your Spirit as you move in my midst. I desire to be with you every moment of every day and I seek you to reign through my life.
You are everything I dreamed you would be and then some. You have captured my heart and I am in love with you Jesus. When I fail, your grace restores me. Will I continue to fail? I pray that would not be the case.
Lord, you know that in my passion for you that I can come off abrasive and I ask for your forgiveness. I thank you for the leadership that you have placed in my life; your wonderful church. I am so blessed to serve you under the leadership that you have established.
I pray that you would give the pastors and the teachers here in Portland vision. Give your bride a vision to reach the lost through the power of your spirit. Oh you love us so much and you desire to bring the people of Portland into that place where they can hear your voice and receive your salvation. So please stir up your people to pray and to stand in the gap for the people of this city and state. Thank you Jesus for loving us the way that you do. You never cease to amaze me.
I love you….
Bill
Thursday, March 01, 2007
March of Dimes
My wife and I are getting involved in the March of dimes this year. Here is the link to all the information on how someone can support if they choose to and also there is another link with our story.
http://www.walkamerica.org/personal_page.asp?w=700715
Every year, half a million babies in the U.S. are born prematurely. Premature birth is the leading cause of newborn death and many life long disabilities. The funds we raise in WalkAmerica support research that saves babies' lives. Most of you who know me, know my story. My son, Tobias is a living, walking, breathing miracle. You can read more about it when clicking to read his story below.I hope and pray that you are able to commit to helping support the research on preventing premature births. Sparing the sorrow that I know, all too well.
Our mission is to improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth, and infant mortality.
Please visit my wife’s blog on Share Your Storywww.jessicascott00.blogspot.com/2007/02/miracle-that-is-my-son.html
http://www.walkamerica.org/personal_page.asp?w=700715
Every year, half a million babies in the U.S. are born prematurely. Premature birth is the leading cause of newborn death and many life long disabilities. The funds we raise in WalkAmerica support research that saves babies' lives. Most of you who know me, know my story. My son, Tobias is a living, walking, breathing miracle. You can read more about it when clicking to read his story below.I hope and pray that you are able to commit to helping support the research on preventing premature births. Sparing the sorrow that I know, all too well.
Our mission is to improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth, and infant mortality.
Please visit my wife’s blog on Share Your Storywww.jessicascott00.blogspot.com/2007/02/miracle-that-is-my-son.html
Journal 3/1/07
So today I fly out to California with my daughter as we head to my grandmothers funeral. I have written the Eulogy and pray that God would be glorified in the midst of our mourning. God is good and I am thankful that he has put all the pieces together for this memorial.
Thank you everyone for your prayers. I am so grateful for your support.
Bill
Thank you everyone for your prayers. I am so grateful for your support.
Bill
Monday, February 26, 2007
Journal 2/26/07
I praise You for Your glory! For You are Glorious and worthy of my Praise. You call me to abide in You. You desire fellowship with me as You alone are the Holy One. I praise You for Your glory. I desire to experience you, not in just an emotional way but I desire to encounter You. I want to encounter You. By Your Spirit You prompt me to respond to You. I desire to respond to You and Your Spirit’s prompting as You reveal Yourself to me. I want to respond to who You really are as I lay aside myself and exalt You the Heavenly King.
Please come and lift the burden from my heart as David cried out in Psalm 3:3, “But You, O Lord, are a shield for me, My glory and the One who lifts up my head.” You are the lifter of my soul. I want You to take my hand and lift me up so that I can see Your glory.
To be Honest Lord, I miss those times with You that I had experienced in the past. I want to return to that special place and yet I am so unwilling at the same time. It isn’t that I am afraid of You or afraid of what You desire to do in my life, I really don’t know what it is that keeps me from where You want me to go and really where I desire to go as well.
I struggle with not having a best friend here in Oregon who is sold out to you. I miss the fellowship of being around someone like Craig or EZ. I miss being around those who are totally sold out to You and love their brothers and sisters in the Lord. It sucks not having someone who I can talk to about stuff that is on my heart. It sucks not having a male friend who I can share the good stuff and the bad stuff that is going on in my life. I miss relationships that have depth. I long for those again. I miss hanging out with the pastors who love you and are truly sincere and really care about you and others.
I feel so alone. I know I have my wife and she is a wonderful blessing. But I miss having friends. And yet I have no friends here in Oregon….I have many acquaintances, but no friends who call just to say hi. No one calls to see how I am doing, and that is ok, but it is so hard at times. The high school kids call and they are a blessing too, but I can’t pour out my heart to them as I could an adult male my age. I miss having a solid Christian in my life.
I want to please Your heart. I want this to be my desire and goal in life. I am called to love and adore You and I desire that. I want to bring my all to You in worship as I lay all that I am at Your feet. You are so desirable Jesus. I thank You for Your glory. I am grateful that You are worthy of worship. Please wash me of this world and wash me of my flesh and draw me near to You. Help me to see You for who You are as I thank You for the privilege of worship.
You are my Hope and I am utterly lost without You. I do not even know which way is up when you are not leading and guiding my steps. This world comes and crashed down upon me and yet You made me and I will not be shaken. Though I am broken into a million pieces I will yet trust you my Lord. I do trust in You. I really do. You are trustworthy. You have called me Your friend and You do satisfy me when all others fail. I fail, and they fail, yet You never fail me. And I am called Your friend if I keep Your commandments. Help me to keep Your commandments because I have not done a very good job at keeping them.
Death sucks Lord. It really sucks. Sin sucks, Chaos, uncleanness, depravity, all these things are so hard. I just don’t understand these things. Your eyes of fire look into the depths of my soul and you see me in this depravity and yet you say that you love me and you desire me. Why? WHY? WHY? Why do you desire me?
I miss You. I really miss you Jesus. I need Your love like the trees need the rain. I am like a man dying in the deserts and you are the spring of Life. You refresh me though I suffer through the garbage of the wilderness. Yet I thank you for the things that You have done for me. You have given me new life. You died and rose and gave Your life in a sacrificial way so that I could have life. Thank you. Thank you for being You. I love the way You are. You are so perfect and holy and You really do care about me. You care about my struggles and the sin I get entangled in. You really care and this causes me to thank you. You truly have laid down your life for me.
So I give you my heart so that you can free it from the chains of depravity that lay hold of it. I want to honor You with every part of my life as I cry out, “Woe is me!” I want to see You move and hear You speak. I don’t want You to remove the power of the Spirit in the life of the church. Without Your Spirit moving and direct me and us, we are doomed. I want to know you. I want to know your friendship and your fear.
I was totally destitute until you found me. And I remember the stuff that you delivered me from. I remember when I had no hope. And you delivered me. You are worth more than I could ever find in this world. Help me to take the salvation that you have offered and given to me with sobriety and seriousness as it springs up living water in my life. Help me to trust you as I partake in suffering. Help me never to partake in sin as I suffer so that suffering can have it’s perfect work in my life. Help me to place my hand on the plow and never look back. How I am so desperate and lifeless when you are not my all-in-all. So please hear my heart and please be there for me.
On the merits of Jesus and in His name I come to You my Holy Father. Help me to come boldly into Your throne room and into Your presence.
Amen
Please come and lift the burden from my heart as David cried out in Psalm 3:3, “But You, O Lord, are a shield for me, My glory and the One who lifts up my head.” You are the lifter of my soul. I want You to take my hand and lift me up so that I can see Your glory.
To be Honest Lord, I miss those times with You that I had experienced in the past. I want to return to that special place and yet I am so unwilling at the same time. It isn’t that I am afraid of You or afraid of what You desire to do in my life, I really don’t know what it is that keeps me from where You want me to go and really where I desire to go as well.
I struggle with not having a best friend here in Oregon who is sold out to you. I miss the fellowship of being around someone like Craig or EZ. I miss being around those who are totally sold out to You and love their brothers and sisters in the Lord. It sucks not having someone who I can talk to about stuff that is on my heart. It sucks not having a male friend who I can share the good stuff and the bad stuff that is going on in my life. I miss relationships that have depth. I long for those again. I miss hanging out with the pastors who love you and are truly sincere and really care about you and others.
I feel so alone. I know I have my wife and she is a wonderful blessing. But I miss having friends. And yet I have no friends here in Oregon….I have many acquaintances, but no friends who call just to say hi. No one calls to see how I am doing, and that is ok, but it is so hard at times. The high school kids call and they are a blessing too, but I can’t pour out my heart to them as I could an adult male my age. I miss having a solid Christian in my life.
I want to please Your heart. I want this to be my desire and goal in life. I am called to love and adore You and I desire that. I want to bring my all to You in worship as I lay all that I am at Your feet. You are so desirable Jesus. I thank You for Your glory. I am grateful that You are worthy of worship. Please wash me of this world and wash me of my flesh and draw me near to You. Help me to see You for who You are as I thank You for the privilege of worship.
You are my Hope and I am utterly lost without You. I do not even know which way is up when you are not leading and guiding my steps. This world comes and crashed down upon me and yet You made me and I will not be shaken. Though I am broken into a million pieces I will yet trust you my Lord. I do trust in You. I really do. You are trustworthy. You have called me Your friend and You do satisfy me when all others fail. I fail, and they fail, yet You never fail me. And I am called Your friend if I keep Your commandments. Help me to keep Your commandments because I have not done a very good job at keeping them.
Death sucks Lord. It really sucks. Sin sucks, Chaos, uncleanness, depravity, all these things are so hard. I just don’t understand these things. Your eyes of fire look into the depths of my soul and you see me in this depravity and yet you say that you love me and you desire me. Why? WHY? WHY? Why do you desire me?
I miss You. I really miss you Jesus. I need Your love like the trees need the rain. I am like a man dying in the deserts and you are the spring of Life. You refresh me though I suffer through the garbage of the wilderness. Yet I thank you for the things that You have done for me. You have given me new life. You died and rose and gave Your life in a sacrificial way so that I could have life. Thank you. Thank you for being You. I love the way You are. You are so perfect and holy and You really do care about me. You care about my struggles and the sin I get entangled in. You really care and this causes me to thank you. You truly have laid down your life for me.
So I give you my heart so that you can free it from the chains of depravity that lay hold of it. I want to honor You with every part of my life as I cry out, “Woe is me!” I want to see You move and hear You speak. I don’t want You to remove the power of the Spirit in the life of the church. Without Your Spirit moving and direct me and us, we are doomed. I want to know you. I want to know your friendship and your fear.
I was totally destitute until you found me. And I remember the stuff that you delivered me from. I remember when I had no hope. And you delivered me. You are worth more than I could ever find in this world. Help me to take the salvation that you have offered and given to me with sobriety and seriousness as it springs up living water in my life. Help me to trust you as I partake in suffering. Help me never to partake in sin as I suffer so that suffering can have it’s perfect work in my life. Help me to place my hand on the plow and never look back. How I am so desperate and lifeless when you are not my all-in-all. So please hear my heart and please be there for me.
On the merits of Jesus and in His name I come to You my Holy Father. Help me to come boldly into Your throne room and into Your presence.
Amen
Journal 2/26/07
So my grandmother on my dad’s side passed away last night. What a bummer. My dad is dead and has been dead for 32 years, his mom is now dead as well, and my grandfather on that side is dead and has been for a long time. One thing that is sure in life is the idea that there really is no life. We are all going to die. Death is imminent. The sad thing is when life is offered and it is rejected and looked down upon. The sad thing is when we trust in our own goodness to attain the life that we do not have.
How sad! How bitterly sad!
Life is available from God himself through Jesus his son and yet more people reject this than those who embrace this. What a horrible reality that will be embraced when life, true spiritual life is rejected. My heart is broken.
Father,
I am sad and need your love as I feel like such a failure and my heart is broken. Who am I kidding these days….am I even a Christian Lord? I am so messed up inside. I am absolutely depraved and messed up and I can’t figure out what to do. I am tired of living in Romans chapter seven. I want to get to chapter eight. I love you though the actions in my heart deny that truth. I feel as if I have no feelings or emotions. I feel as if I am so hard hearted. Why won’t I weep over sin, death, and the ugliness of this world? Why do I constantly embrace the vomit and swim in it? My heart is sad Lord.
Bill
How sad! How bitterly sad!
Life is available from God himself through Jesus his son and yet more people reject this than those who embrace this. What a horrible reality that will be embraced when life, true spiritual life is rejected. My heart is broken.
Father,
I am sad and need your love as I feel like such a failure and my heart is broken. Who am I kidding these days….am I even a Christian Lord? I am so messed up inside. I am absolutely depraved and messed up and I can’t figure out what to do. I am tired of living in Romans chapter seven. I want to get to chapter eight. I love you though the actions in my heart deny that truth. I feel as if I have no feelings or emotions. I feel as if I am so hard hearted. Why won’t I weep over sin, death, and the ugliness of this world? Why do I constantly embrace the vomit and swim in it? My heart is sad Lord.
Bill
Friday, February 16, 2007
Journal 2/16/07
I suck at being a Christian. I am nothing like Jesus and I am so tired of falling short in everything that I do. I HATE and ABHOR my flesh as it deceives me daily. I feel as if I am on the losing side of the battle when it comes to crucifying my flesh. I want it to die. MY FLESH NEEDS TO DIE!!!!
It is frustrating being a sinner. And yet I am a wretched sinner.
Do you know what this does? It causes me to HUNGER and THIRST for the glorified body that has been promised to me by my Savior. Jesus, I look forward to your promises. How I desperately need the glorified body and to be fully redeemed. I look forward to that day more now than ever as the vomit of this world and the evilness of my flesh weigh me down. Help me to walk in righteousness and to love those who appear to be unlovable.
I know you love me and I know that I am on the winning side, but this battle is a tough one. And I get so angry and flustered. I hate having to fight with my flesh on a regular basis as it is so much easier to give in and let my flesh reign as a king. But my flesh is not the king, you are Jesus. So please reign as a king in me…..
It is frustrating being a sinner. And yet I am a wretched sinner.
Do you know what this does? It causes me to HUNGER and THIRST for the glorified body that has been promised to me by my Savior. Jesus, I look forward to your promises. How I desperately need the glorified body and to be fully redeemed. I look forward to that day more now than ever as the vomit of this world and the evilness of my flesh weigh me down. Help me to walk in righteousness and to love those who appear to be unlovable.
I know you love me and I know that I am on the winning side, but this battle is a tough one. And I get so angry and flustered. I hate having to fight with my flesh on a regular basis as it is so much easier to give in and let my flesh reign as a king. But my flesh is not the king, you are Jesus. So please reign as a king in me…..
Friday, February 09, 2007
Journal 2/9/07
Lord,
You know my heart and my desires. You know where I struggle and how ministry for me is so hard at times. You know the secret things in my heart that I will never tell. You know them, you know me. And though I may be inexperienced in life and ministry, I see and understand that those times when we stray, things really get out of hand. I want to be true to you. I am afraid to promise you anything because I know who I am. I know that I am a joke and have no idea what the Christian life is about most of the time. I have no clue how to minister. Teaching is the easy part; all the other stuff is so complicated. Yet you compel me to minister as I hear you call out my name. And you desire me to be pure, clean and holy in your sight. So Lord, help me to live my life in purity as unto you. Help me to live this life filled with your wonderful Spirit. I look forward to and can’t wait for the day when I hear you say, “Welcome Home My Child!”
Until then O Lord, I will be content with the life that you have blessed me with; knowing that what is to come is so much greater than what is. I have seen the suffering that loneliness can cause. So I choose to give my love away to you so that you can fill me in the depths of my heart. I seek your wisdom and counsel as I have none. And you have said Lord that if I ask you for wisdom, then you would supply it. Help me to sort out ministry Jesus. What is your heart and what is it that you desire for me to do? Please give me clarity. Please give me insight. Please shine through me. I am so tired of being a man who is so worldly and ungodly. I am so tired of shining my own vomit instead of your glory and I don’t know which way is up anymore. So please lead me as I try to live out your will in my life. Lead me Jesus.
On the merits of Jesus I ask these things….Amen.
You know my heart and my desires. You know where I struggle and how ministry for me is so hard at times. You know the secret things in my heart that I will never tell. You know them, you know me. And though I may be inexperienced in life and ministry, I see and understand that those times when we stray, things really get out of hand. I want to be true to you. I am afraid to promise you anything because I know who I am. I know that I am a joke and have no idea what the Christian life is about most of the time. I have no clue how to minister. Teaching is the easy part; all the other stuff is so complicated. Yet you compel me to minister as I hear you call out my name. And you desire me to be pure, clean and holy in your sight. So Lord, help me to live my life in purity as unto you. Help me to live this life filled with your wonderful Spirit. I look forward to and can’t wait for the day when I hear you say, “Welcome Home My Child!”
Until then O Lord, I will be content with the life that you have blessed me with; knowing that what is to come is so much greater than what is. I have seen the suffering that loneliness can cause. So I choose to give my love away to you so that you can fill me in the depths of my heart. I seek your wisdom and counsel as I have none. And you have said Lord that if I ask you for wisdom, then you would supply it. Help me to sort out ministry Jesus. What is your heart and what is it that you desire for me to do? Please give me clarity. Please give me insight. Please shine through me. I am so tired of being a man who is so worldly and ungodly. I am so tired of shining my own vomit instead of your glory and I don’t know which way is up anymore. So please lead me as I try to live out your will in my life. Lead me Jesus.
On the merits of Jesus I ask these things….Amen.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Journal 2/8/07
Sometimes I feel as if the grave is mans only real destiny. It’s as if we live to die and unless there is something more, we are doomed to this cruel fate. How sad that would be. How horrible for those who refuse to walk in the ways of the Lord. Where is there hope? They are utterly hopeless. I am so blessed that there is more to life than just this point in time. I am so glad there is life after the grave and I am not bound to the realm of time that I am in.
As the time approaches speedily for me to enter the grave, (hypothetically speaking) I look forward to the destiny that lies behind the realm of death. All storms will cease. All suffering will finally end. I will be able to touch and see the One who loves me and the One whom I have longed for.
How I wish I could put you into words Lord. If I were able to do that then I would write your face on a thousand pages. I want the pages of my life to be consumed with you so that when the book of my life is finally fulfilled, that there is nothing left of me in it, as I desire for you to shine brightly through me. How I long for the story of my life to reflect you and you alone Jesus. I love you.
Bill
As the time approaches speedily for me to enter the grave, (hypothetically speaking) I look forward to the destiny that lies behind the realm of death. All storms will cease. All suffering will finally end. I will be able to touch and see the One who loves me and the One whom I have longed for.
How I wish I could put you into words Lord. If I were able to do that then I would write your face on a thousand pages. I want the pages of my life to be consumed with you so that when the book of my life is finally fulfilled, that there is nothing left of me in it, as I desire for you to shine brightly through me. How I long for the story of my life to reflect you and you alone Jesus. I love you.
Bill
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Journal 2/6/07
Oh Lord,
You really do hear my cry, and you hear my prayer. You save all my tears and you place them in a bottle because you truly care about me. So I offer my heart up to you as I declare that a moment without you is like a thousand lonely years of hell. If I can just sit with you, I know that you will wipe away my tears. For you love me in such a way that breaks me. Your love compels me to seek your face. There is only one thing that I ask of you Lord. There is only one thing that I truly seek. I want to dwell in your house all the days of my life so that I may gaze upon your beauty. I want to behold you. I want to see your face. I want to be touched by you and embraced by you as you openly declare your abounding love towards me.
Lord, I constantly sin against you and I do wrong. Yet you comfort me in your longsuffering. Lord I have walked away from you so many times yet your mercy is there for me new each morning. You are my Redeemer. You are my Savior and my King. I lay my life before you so please take all of me Lord as I surrender all that I am to you.
I need you. I desire you.
Bill
You really do hear my cry, and you hear my prayer. You save all my tears and you place them in a bottle because you truly care about me. So I offer my heart up to you as I declare that a moment without you is like a thousand lonely years of hell. If I can just sit with you, I know that you will wipe away my tears. For you love me in such a way that breaks me. Your love compels me to seek your face. There is only one thing that I ask of you Lord. There is only one thing that I truly seek. I want to dwell in your house all the days of my life so that I may gaze upon your beauty. I want to behold you. I want to see your face. I want to be touched by you and embraced by you as you openly declare your abounding love towards me.
Lord, I constantly sin against you and I do wrong. Yet you comfort me in your longsuffering. Lord I have walked away from you so many times yet your mercy is there for me new each morning. You are my Redeemer. You are my Savior and my King. I lay my life before you so please take all of me Lord as I surrender all that I am to you.
I need you. I desire you.
Bill
Monday, February 05, 2007
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Journal 2/1/07
Father,
Why do I leave your presence? There truly is no other place that I would rather be. Yet I find myself out of your presence when I ought to never leave it. Why can’t I sit with you and remain sitting with you every minute of every day? Can you help remind me Father when I do leave your presence? Because a lot of the time I don’t notice me leaving your presence, I just realize that I am not in it.
I can’t believe how incredibly wonderful you truly are. You blow me away and I want to be absorbed in your fragrance. I want to know you inside and out. I long to be held by you and kissed by you as a Father would kiss his kids.
I feel so safe with you. I feel your acceptance and I feel your love. I want to make myself vulnerable to you knowing that I am precious in your sight. Oh, how I desire to be clean and I thank you that you are the one who can and who does cleanse me fully. Please help me to make my home in your presence.
You are so real to me and you are so alive. You truly care and I simply desire to humble myself before you as I come close to you and worship you for who you are. You are so beautiful. Your grace upon me, your love towards me in a good way is almost too much to bear. But how thankful I am that you call me as your own. Oh, please keep me here wrapped in your arms. My Father, Abba, I love you and I want to do your will. I want to walk in your ways all the days of my life. Help me to simply remain in your presence forever….as you hold my hand.
Thank you for singing a song over me and giving me sleep for my eyes. I am a wretch Lord, I have already been in the flesh a million times today. I am so rude and so heartless. I am cold and cruel and I don’t like that about me. I am messed up Lord. I have issues.
Yet you call me to you and I am compelled by your essence to come. You are my resting place, and there is no other place where I can be me and be accepted than when I am with you. Please, keep me in your presence today, tomorrow and all the days of my life. All I know is that I want you to reign as a king in my life and I want to serve in your courts forever.
Bill
Why do I leave your presence? There truly is no other place that I would rather be. Yet I find myself out of your presence when I ought to never leave it. Why can’t I sit with you and remain sitting with you every minute of every day? Can you help remind me Father when I do leave your presence? Because a lot of the time I don’t notice me leaving your presence, I just realize that I am not in it.
I can’t believe how incredibly wonderful you truly are. You blow me away and I want to be absorbed in your fragrance. I want to know you inside and out. I long to be held by you and kissed by you as a Father would kiss his kids.
I feel so safe with you. I feel your acceptance and I feel your love. I want to make myself vulnerable to you knowing that I am precious in your sight. Oh, how I desire to be clean and I thank you that you are the one who can and who does cleanse me fully. Please help me to make my home in your presence.
You are so real to me and you are so alive. You truly care and I simply desire to humble myself before you as I come close to you and worship you for who you are. You are so beautiful. Your grace upon me, your love towards me in a good way is almost too much to bear. But how thankful I am that you call me as your own. Oh, please keep me here wrapped in your arms. My Father, Abba, I love you and I want to do your will. I want to walk in your ways all the days of my life. Help me to simply remain in your presence forever….as you hold my hand.
Thank you for singing a song over me and giving me sleep for my eyes. I am a wretch Lord, I have already been in the flesh a million times today. I am so rude and so heartless. I am cold and cruel and I don’t like that about me. I am messed up Lord. I have issues.
Yet you call me to you and I am compelled by your essence to come. You are my resting place, and there is no other place where I can be me and be accepted than when I am with you. Please, keep me in your presence today, tomorrow and all the days of my life. All I know is that I want you to reign as a king in my life and I want to serve in your courts forever.
Bill
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Journal 1/31/07
Father,
I give you my heart and soul. I am yours to do with as you please. My desire is to serve you and honor you. And I seek to be a man who worships you with all my heart. All that is within me I lay down and surrender to you. I praise you as you truly are my all-in-all. So I give you all of me as I live for you alone. From morning to morning I desire you to have your way with me. I give you all of me, every breath that is in me. Please have your way with me Jesus.
There is no one on earth who can touch my heart like you do Jesus and I am ever grateful for Your love towards me. I am blown away at how new Your love is. It is so refreshing. How I wish I could taste and see Your glory as Moses did. You are my desire and I want to please You. Help me to love you and walk as You have called me to do.
Please give me Your heart for people. Help me to reach the lost and use me to advance your gospel. Oh God, use me in this hour; in this moment of time that is called my life. Help my soul to burn for you as you blaze the trail before me that I am to walk upon. In Jesus name I pray…Amen
I give you my heart and soul. I am yours to do with as you please. My desire is to serve you and honor you. And I seek to be a man who worships you with all my heart. All that is within me I lay down and surrender to you. I praise you as you truly are my all-in-all. So I give you all of me as I live for you alone. From morning to morning I desire you to have your way with me. I give you all of me, every breath that is in me. Please have your way with me Jesus.
There is no one on earth who can touch my heart like you do Jesus and I am ever grateful for Your love towards me. I am blown away at how new Your love is. It is so refreshing. How I wish I could taste and see Your glory as Moses did. You are my desire and I want to please You. Help me to love you and walk as You have called me to do.
Please give me Your heart for people. Help me to reach the lost and use me to advance your gospel. Oh God, use me in this hour; in this moment of time that is called my life. Help my soul to burn for you as you blaze the trail before me that I am to walk upon. In Jesus name I pray…Amen
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Journal 1/30/07
Father,
I am not worthy to be called your son yet you have called me anyways. Thank you for loving me. Lord, I need your help so desperately. There is an issue of sin that I have to address with the youth group and it breaks my heart as I do not know how to approach this. Please give me wisdom and compassion as I cling to you for direction and guidance. I need your intervention and power as I am dealing with this tragedy of sin within the young people here in Oregon.
Father, you were right when you spoke to me about my calling here. There is a cancer starting within the young people here in Oregon and you have called me to be a light that reflects you in the midst of this dark cancer. Oh how I need you to pull all the planks out of my eyes so that I can soberly and lovingly address the issues at hand.
My heart is so broken Jesus as I know yours is as well. So please pour out your spirit and anoint my words and actions. Please draw these kids into your wonderful presence and let them see you in your fullness. In Jesus name I desperately petition You my God and my King to intervene.
Amen
I am not worthy to be called your son yet you have called me anyways. Thank you for loving me. Lord, I need your help so desperately. There is an issue of sin that I have to address with the youth group and it breaks my heart as I do not know how to approach this. Please give me wisdom and compassion as I cling to you for direction and guidance. I need your intervention and power as I am dealing with this tragedy of sin within the young people here in Oregon.
Father, you were right when you spoke to me about my calling here. There is a cancer starting within the young people here in Oregon and you have called me to be a light that reflects you in the midst of this dark cancer. Oh how I need you to pull all the planks out of my eyes so that I can soberly and lovingly address the issues at hand.
My heart is so broken Jesus as I know yours is as well. So please pour out your spirit and anoint my words and actions. Please draw these kids into your wonderful presence and let them see you in your fullness. In Jesus name I desperately petition You my God and my King to intervene.
Amen
Monday, January 29, 2007
Tear Down These Walls - Aaron Hovivian
Tear Down these walls
O Lord, Lord I come to you with empty hands O Lord
My heart is broken and I have no strength left to stand
My face is left tear stained by things I don’t understand O Lord
and yet I will trust you for my name is written on your blood stained hands
And I will let down these walls I’ve built up for so many years
And I’ll pour out my heart will you wipe away my tears?
In your presence Lord I will surrender I will submit to your almighty hand
And I’ll boast in my weakness saved by the strength of Christ’s blood I will stand.
O Lord, Lord I’ll sit here in this secret place O Lord
In the stillness underneath your wings wrapped in my Fathers tight embrace
Destruction has come against my soul O Lord
in your presence will you heal my heart make it strong and make me whole?
And child I’ll tear down those walls you’ve built up for so many years.
And if you’ll pour out your heart I’ll surely wipe away your tears.
In My presence child if you will surrender, if you’ll submit to my all loving hand
I’ll be the strength in your weakness and by my sons blood you will stand
I’ll be the strength in your weakness and by my sons blood; my child you will stand
You will stand…..if you’ll but trust me my child you will stand.
O Lord, Lord I come to you with empty hands O Lord
My heart is broken and I have no strength left to stand
My face is left tear stained by things I don’t understand O Lord
and yet I will trust you for my name is written on your blood stained hands
And I will let down these walls I’ve built up for so many years
And I’ll pour out my heart will you wipe away my tears?
In your presence Lord I will surrender I will submit to your almighty hand
And I’ll boast in my weakness saved by the strength of Christ’s blood I will stand.
O Lord, Lord I’ll sit here in this secret place O Lord
In the stillness underneath your wings wrapped in my Fathers tight embrace
Destruction has come against my soul O Lord
in your presence will you heal my heart make it strong and make me whole?
And child I’ll tear down those walls you’ve built up for so many years.
And if you’ll pour out your heart I’ll surely wipe away your tears.
In My presence child if you will surrender, if you’ll submit to my all loving hand
I’ll be the strength in your weakness and by my sons blood you will stand
I’ll be the strength in your weakness and by my sons blood; my child you will stand
You will stand…..if you’ll but trust me my child you will stand.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Journal 1/22/07
Father,
Thank you for loving me in spite of my sinfulness. I am so prone to give into my flesh though I desire to walk in your ways. I feel like the prodigal son who leaves his Fathers house only to realize that I left everything that I ever wanted. Help me to stay focused upon you. Help me to look for the eminent return of Christ.
Lord, please help provide rides to the kids on Friday nights. There is such a need for ministers to rise up to this wonderful ministry. So please speak to the hearts of your saints and help them to provide rides. We need you to provide if this is what you desire. These kids wont go to church and this is such an opportunity to reach them. So please use Jessica and I and help us to lead these wonderful kids to you.
In Jesus name I pray…Amen.
Thank you for loving me in spite of my sinfulness. I am so prone to give into my flesh though I desire to walk in your ways. I feel like the prodigal son who leaves his Fathers house only to realize that I left everything that I ever wanted. Help me to stay focused upon you. Help me to look for the eminent return of Christ.
Lord, please help provide rides to the kids on Friday nights. There is such a need for ministers to rise up to this wonderful ministry. So please speak to the hearts of your saints and help them to provide rides. We need you to provide if this is what you desire. These kids wont go to church and this is such an opportunity to reach them. So please use Jessica and I and help us to lead these wonderful kids to you.
In Jesus name I pray…Amen.
Friday, January 19, 2007
Journal 1/19/07
Father,
Today is finally here. Tonight we start the book of Revelation. Please Jesus speak through me. Use me to shine you and your word clearly and intimately. Please break our hearts tonight Lord and reshape who we are as your people. Use tonight and every Friday night from here on out to glorify you; as we come to see you in your fullness and wholeness. So I pray that you would give me grace as I speak your word. Please bless the reading and teaching of your word. In Jesus name I pray....Amen
Today is finally here. Tonight we start the book of Revelation. Please Jesus speak through me. Use me to shine you and your word clearly and intimately. Please break our hearts tonight Lord and reshape who we are as your people. Use tonight and every Friday night from here on out to glorify you; as we come to see you in your fullness and wholeness. So I pray that you would give me grace as I speak your word. Please bless the reading and teaching of your word. In Jesus name I pray....Amen
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Friday, January 12, 2007
Journal 1/12/07
Lord,
In your 1st coming you came without honor and without praise and you suffered so badly. You were mocked, spit upon and killed. You were not treated like the King that you are as you were humiliated by the very ones you created. When you were killed it looked like a devastating blow to a king; how in the world could the creation kill the Creator? Amazing! Disheartening! Scary!
But in your 2nd coming you will receive what is owed to you; and it won't be like you are taking something that is not yours, you deserve to be high and lifted up. You will return without a blemish and you will judge the nations for the depths of their depravity. For you are the King of kings and the Lord of lords. You are worthy to be the judge of all men for you know the thoughts of man. You know the heart of man. You are able to judge righteously and fairly and your judgment is good.
And like before, man will try to kill you; but you are coming back in the glory that you left behind when you came in your 1st coming. You are not leaving that glory behind this time around. And you will not be killed by man, but on the contrary, you will destroy your enemies. You will crush them under the winepress of the wrath of Almighty God. And you will do so in righteousness.
Thank you for being more than a mere man. Thank you for being the God of all things. I am totally blown away that you, being all powerful, yet you know me and have called me your friend. What an honor it is to be associated with the King of kings. You know my name.....and as I think about that, I look at the most powerful men on earth, and they have no idea that I exist. Yet you know my name and you are interested in me. Wow...what a thought!
When I see how big you are and how small I am in comparison to you, my mind almost short-circuits. I mean you are big! You are famous; you are powerful and have subdued nations and kingdoms. And yet, you know my name. The King of all glory sings over me and prepares a feast for me. The God of all life, has numbered and named every hair on my head and speaks to me. Wow, God actually speaks to me....UN-BE-LEIV-ABLE!
It would be amazing to receive a phone call from the President of the United States or from a celebrity, but how much more amazing it is to hear the voice of God. Whoa!!! I am totally flabbergasted. When I think about you in this sense I am totally amazed. You are not some far distant cloud in the sky or some well thought up conceived idea that someone mused upon in times past. You are real and you are personal and can you believe it, GOD KNOWS WHO I AM!!!! GOD KNOWS ME!!!!
I don’t know if you have ever seen the cartoon movie “Cars” but I feel like Fred, the rusty car that keeps losing his front bumper. Whenever a celebrity would read his license plate (Which said Fred) he would get all excited and say, “He KNOWS MY NAME!!! HE KNOWS MY NAME!!” That is how I feel but even more so when it comes to the Lord. HE KNOWS ME!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT GOD KNOWS ME!!! WOW!!!!
I want to shout it to the world…..GOD KNOWS ME, HE KNOWS WHO I AM, HE HAS PREPARED A FEAST FOR ME…IN-MY-HONOR!!!
Wow….all I can say is wow!
Psalm 8, “1 To the Chief Musician. On the instrument of Gath. A Psalm of David. O Lord, our Lord, How excellent is Your name in all the earth, Who have set Your glory above the heavens! 2 Out of the mouth of babes and nursing infants You have ordained strength, Because of Your enemies, That You may silence the enemy and the avenger.
3 When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, The moon and the stars, which You have ordained, 4 What is man that You are mindful of him, And the son of man that You visit him? 5 For You have made him a little lower than the angels, And You have crowned him with glory and honor. 6 You have made him to have dominion over the works of Your hands; You have put all things under his feet, 7 All sheep and oxen-- Even the beasts of the field, 8 The birds of the air, And the fish of the sea That pass through the paths of the seas. 9 O Lord, our Lord, How excellent is Your name in all the earth! “
In your 1st coming you came without honor and without praise and you suffered so badly. You were mocked, spit upon and killed. You were not treated like the King that you are as you were humiliated by the very ones you created. When you were killed it looked like a devastating blow to a king; how in the world could the creation kill the Creator? Amazing! Disheartening! Scary!
But in your 2nd coming you will receive what is owed to you; and it won't be like you are taking something that is not yours, you deserve to be high and lifted up. You will return without a blemish and you will judge the nations for the depths of their depravity. For you are the King of kings and the Lord of lords. You are worthy to be the judge of all men for you know the thoughts of man. You know the heart of man. You are able to judge righteously and fairly and your judgment is good.
And like before, man will try to kill you; but you are coming back in the glory that you left behind when you came in your 1st coming. You are not leaving that glory behind this time around. And you will not be killed by man, but on the contrary, you will destroy your enemies. You will crush them under the winepress of the wrath of Almighty God. And you will do so in righteousness.
Thank you for being more than a mere man. Thank you for being the God of all things. I am totally blown away that you, being all powerful, yet you know me and have called me your friend. What an honor it is to be associated with the King of kings. You know my name.....and as I think about that, I look at the most powerful men on earth, and they have no idea that I exist. Yet you know my name and you are interested in me. Wow...what a thought!
When I see how big you are and how small I am in comparison to you, my mind almost short-circuits. I mean you are big! You are famous; you are powerful and have subdued nations and kingdoms. And yet, you know my name. The King of all glory sings over me and prepares a feast for me. The God of all life, has numbered and named every hair on my head and speaks to me. Wow, God actually speaks to me....UN-BE-LEIV-ABLE!
It would be amazing to receive a phone call from the President of the United States or from a celebrity, but how much more amazing it is to hear the voice of God. Whoa!!! I am totally flabbergasted. When I think about you in this sense I am totally amazed. You are not some far distant cloud in the sky or some well thought up conceived idea that someone mused upon in times past. You are real and you are personal and can you believe it, GOD KNOWS WHO I AM!!!! GOD KNOWS ME!!!!
I don’t know if you have ever seen the cartoon movie “Cars” but I feel like Fred, the rusty car that keeps losing his front bumper. Whenever a celebrity would read his license plate (Which said Fred) he would get all excited and say, “He KNOWS MY NAME!!! HE KNOWS MY NAME!!” That is how I feel but even more so when it comes to the Lord. HE KNOWS ME!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT GOD KNOWS ME!!! WOW!!!!
I want to shout it to the world…..GOD KNOWS ME, HE KNOWS WHO I AM, HE HAS PREPARED A FEAST FOR ME…IN-MY-HONOR!!!
Wow….all I can say is wow!
Psalm 8, “1 To the Chief Musician. On the instrument of Gath. A Psalm of David. O Lord, our Lord, How excellent is Your name in all the earth, Who have set Your glory above the heavens! 2 Out of the mouth of babes and nursing infants You have ordained strength, Because of Your enemies, That You may silence the enemy and the avenger.
3 When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, The moon and the stars, which You have ordained, 4 What is man that You are mindful of him, And the son of man that You visit him? 5 For You have made him a little lower than the angels, And You have crowned him with glory and honor. 6 You have made him to have dominion over the works of Your hands; You have put all things under his feet, 7 All sheep and oxen-- Even the beasts of the field, 8 The birds of the air, And the fish of the sea That pass through the paths of the seas. 9 O Lord, our Lord, How excellent is Your name in all the earth! “
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Journal 1/11/07
Who am I that the God of all creation knows my name and feels my pain? I am but a flower who is quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow. I am like a wave in the ocean who peaks for a moment in time and then is gone. I am but a vapor in the wind; a mere breath lost in the air. Yet I am yours Jesus. I belong to you. Why do you love me so much?
Jesus it was your voice that calmed the sea and yet time and time again that same voice calls out through the rain and calms the many storms that rage within me. You whisper in the rain and tell me that Your are with me. You are my Healer and my Master. You are coming back to execute judgment and to redeem your people. Oh how I look forward to that day. What a wonderful hope that I have as I am placed in the mighty hands of my God. You reign forever and ever. You are worthy of all praise and honor, worship and glory! Oh how precious you are and how grateful I am to be the recipient of such an unconditional love.
Father, as your child I am crying out for the nations. Please heal the nations of the earth; please revive the nations from the dead. Please look down from your thrown my Lord and have pity upon mankind. We are so rebellious and wicked and yet you have been so patient with us. Have mercy on us Master…..please send a revival to the world once again. Please let salvation break out from city to city across the globe until multitudes call upon your name for their salvation. Oh God, use me to preach your word. Take me and cleanse me from the inside out so that I can be a tool in your hand. Empower me by your mighty power to walk in the Spirit with all humility. Use me to speak into people’s lives as you lead me to them or as you lead them to me.
God, can you give me the gift of exhortation? Can I have the gift of word of wisdom and word of knowledge? Help me to speak the words of life with your fire in my eyes. Help me to passionately pursue people as you do. Help me to share the words of life with all I come into contact with. Oh God, you have called me to share your wonderful gospel; empower me to do so.
So many times I forget the very words that you have spoken. I tend to forget the promises that you have made. I tend to doubt in my heart the very words that have sustained the elements in the world; your words. Please have mercy upon me and help me to engage my whole heart and being; as I surrender all that I am at your feet.
I long to know you; as I embrace your river of forgiveness, that flows without end. You are to me a beacon of light in the night sky. You are my desire; my hope, and I am yours. I lift my eyes to you my light, my passion, my all in all. I thank you that no matter what I go through or where I am, you remain who your are. You never change….thank you.
So speak to me so I can hear your voice, the voice of my redeemer. I long to obey you and your words….so please speak to me. Give me ears to hear you and wisdom to comprehend the incomprehensible. In Jesus name I pray…..So be it!
Jesus it was your voice that calmed the sea and yet time and time again that same voice calls out through the rain and calms the many storms that rage within me. You whisper in the rain and tell me that Your are with me. You are my Healer and my Master. You are coming back to execute judgment and to redeem your people. Oh how I look forward to that day. What a wonderful hope that I have as I am placed in the mighty hands of my God. You reign forever and ever. You are worthy of all praise and honor, worship and glory! Oh how precious you are and how grateful I am to be the recipient of such an unconditional love.
Father, as your child I am crying out for the nations. Please heal the nations of the earth; please revive the nations from the dead. Please look down from your thrown my Lord and have pity upon mankind. We are so rebellious and wicked and yet you have been so patient with us. Have mercy on us Master…..please send a revival to the world once again. Please let salvation break out from city to city across the globe until multitudes call upon your name for their salvation. Oh God, use me to preach your word. Take me and cleanse me from the inside out so that I can be a tool in your hand. Empower me by your mighty power to walk in the Spirit with all humility. Use me to speak into people’s lives as you lead me to them or as you lead them to me.
God, can you give me the gift of exhortation? Can I have the gift of word of wisdom and word of knowledge? Help me to speak the words of life with your fire in my eyes. Help me to passionately pursue people as you do. Help me to share the words of life with all I come into contact with. Oh God, you have called me to share your wonderful gospel; empower me to do so.
So many times I forget the very words that you have spoken. I tend to forget the promises that you have made. I tend to doubt in my heart the very words that have sustained the elements in the world; your words. Please have mercy upon me and help me to engage my whole heart and being; as I surrender all that I am at your feet.
I long to know you; as I embrace your river of forgiveness, that flows without end. You are to me a beacon of light in the night sky. You are my desire; my hope, and I am yours. I lift my eyes to you my light, my passion, my all in all. I thank you that no matter what I go through or where I am, you remain who your are. You never change….thank you.
So speak to me so I can hear your voice, the voice of my redeemer. I long to obey you and your words….so please speak to me. Give me ears to hear you and wisdom to comprehend the incomprehensible. In Jesus name I pray…..So be it!
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Journal 1/9/07
Father,
What do I have to offer to a world in need? I have nothing to give or to say or to share in and of myself Jesus; yet for some unknown reason you have chosen me to speak and to share with the world the truth found in your scriptures.
Lord, you have set the course as I embrace this new journey and you have prepared my way to do the work that you have called me to. Still Im desperate for the right words to say; I want to bring you honor and glory. Help me to not stumble on words when I share with people about your goodness.
I am willing to serve you Lord and all I have and all that I am I place into your hands Speak to me and speak for me. Please speak the words that I cannot express.
Lord I know that every encounter that you send my way is an opportunity to share about you. Every encounter that comes my way is a chance for me to show the love that you have given to me. So I pray Lord that you would give me the words to say when I come across troubled faces filled with grief and hopelessness. Help me Lord. I desire to speak words of life to those who thirst deep inside their souls. So Lord I depend on you to touch their lives. I pray that the light of your word would shine through me as you shine upon their life. May they see your holiness as you speak for me.
May your love lead them to the gates of heaven where you stand so that they too can gaze upon your face. You are all I have to offer them. And that is more than enough. Help me to stay the course as I live out my destiny. In Jesus name I pray…Amen.
What do I have to offer to a world in need? I have nothing to give or to say or to share in and of myself Jesus; yet for some unknown reason you have chosen me to speak and to share with the world the truth found in your scriptures.
Lord, you have set the course as I embrace this new journey and you have prepared my way to do the work that you have called me to. Still Im desperate for the right words to say; I want to bring you honor and glory. Help me to not stumble on words when I share with people about your goodness.
I am willing to serve you Lord and all I have and all that I am I place into your hands Speak to me and speak for me. Please speak the words that I cannot express.
Lord I know that every encounter that you send my way is an opportunity to share about you. Every encounter that comes my way is a chance for me to show the love that you have given to me. So I pray Lord that you would give me the words to say when I come across troubled faces filled with grief and hopelessness. Help me Lord. I desire to speak words of life to those who thirst deep inside their souls. So Lord I depend on you to touch their lives. I pray that the light of your word would shine through me as you shine upon their life. May they see your holiness as you speak for me.
May your love lead them to the gates of heaven where you stand so that they too can gaze upon your face. You are all I have to offer them. And that is more than enough. Help me to stay the course as I live out my destiny. In Jesus name I pray…Amen.
Monday, January 08, 2007
Journal 1/8/07
Sin is such a serious thing and far too often we make sin some light thing that is to be tolerated. Oh how I hope that sin would be destroyed at the root in our lives. It has been said that if you kick sin off your door step then it won’t get into your house. How many of us are willing to do that? Are we really willing to walk as the Lord commands? Are we willing to get down and dirty and deal with the issues in our heart?
I was teaching the high school kids at the church this Sunday and we were in Ephesians 4:17-25. We were talking about how we ought to live as Christians. We were discussing how we are to put off the old man and put on the new man. And we looked at the Greek word for “Put on and put off” as the Greek helps us to understand what is being taught.
What the text was teaching us was that we are to put off like clothing the old man. We are to remove him like we remove our clothing. And we are to then not remain naked and vulnerable but rather we are to put on like clothing the new man.
So I posed a question, have we ever put off the old man? Maybe we have, maybe not. Have we ever put on the new man? Only you and the Lord can answer the question….but I would challenge us as God’s children to put on the new man as the old man grow corrupt each and every day.
Let us be a people who obey our God.
Father,
When it comes to sin, I really don’t have a voice of authority as I get caught up in it so often. But you do have a voice about it. Please help up to walk as children of the light as we put away our former conduct and pursue you. Help us to live the crucified life. And we know that this is something that we cannot do in and of ourselves. So we need your Spirits power to come upon us and sanctify us wholly. We trust you Jesus and look forward to the work that you will do in our lives. Help us, help me to yield. In Jesus name I pray….Amen!
I was teaching the high school kids at the church this Sunday and we were in Ephesians 4:17-25. We were talking about how we ought to live as Christians. We were discussing how we are to put off the old man and put on the new man. And we looked at the Greek word for “Put on and put off” as the Greek helps us to understand what is being taught.
What the text was teaching us was that we are to put off like clothing the old man. We are to remove him like we remove our clothing. And we are to then not remain naked and vulnerable but rather we are to put on like clothing the new man.
So I posed a question, have we ever put off the old man? Maybe we have, maybe not. Have we ever put on the new man? Only you and the Lord can answer the question….but I would challenge us as God’s children to put on the new man as the old man grow corrupt each and every day.
Let us be a people who obey our God.
Father,
When it comes to sin, I really don’t have a voice of authority as I get caught up in it so often. But you do have a voice about it. Please help up to walk as children of the light as we put away our former conduct and pursue you. Help us to live the crucified life. And we know that this is something that we cannot do in and of ourselves. So we need your Spirits power to come upon us and sanctify us wholly. We trust you Jesus and look forward to the work that you will do in our lives. Help us, help me to yield. In Jesus name I pray….Amen!
Friday, January 05, 2007
Journal 1/5/07
Do you ever just sit there and think about God? Do you ever just stop for a moment and try to imagine what his glory looks like? Have you ever tried to envision the look on his face as he gazes upon you? What does God look like? What is his demeanor? How does he carry himself when he walks into a room?
I try to picture in my minds eye the glory, the pureness, the majesty of God. Can you imagine it? Heaven is going to be clearer that HD TV. Instead of High Definition (HD) we will see our (ED) Eternal Destination. It will be amazing.
Jesus Christ is king! And as the lamb that was slain, he deserves all power, wealth, glory and never ending praise. All creation is going to bow as earth and heaven join in the celebration. What a glorious day that will be when Jesus is finally revealed as the King that he is. I simply can’t wait.
I can’t wait until all the peoples from the different nations of the earth circle around Gods throne and lift up one voice in praise and worship to the King of all glory. And you can bet it will happen, we even know the words that we will be singing. Revelation 5:8-13, “8 Now when He (Jesus) had taken the scroll, the four living creatures and the twenty-four elders fell down before the Lamb, each having a harp, and golden bowls full of incense, which are the prayers of the saints. 9 And they sang a new song, saying:
"You are worthy to take the scroll,
And to open its seals;
For You were slain,
And have redeemed us to God by Your blood
Out of every tribe and tongue and people and nation,
10 And have made *us kings* and priests to our God;
And *we shall reign on the earth."
11 Then I looked, and I heard the voice of many angels around the throne, the living creatures, and the elders; and the number of them was ten thousand times ten thousand, and thousands of thousands, 12 saying with a loud voice:
"Worthy is the Lamb who was slain
To receive power and riches and wisdom,
And strength and honor and glory and blessing!"
13 And every creature which is in heaven and on the earth and under the earth and such as are in the sea, and all that are in them, I heard saying:
"Blessing and honor and glory and power
Be to Him who sits on the throne,
And to the Lamb, forever and ever!"
What a day that will be. I can hear in my mind the voice of God that is so powerful that when God speaks the heavens literally shake, yet with that same powerful voice, he whispers my name. He embraces me with those strong hands of his and I feel safe as he is my refuge. What a day! What a wonderful day!
I try to picture in my minds eye the glory, the pureness, the majesty of God. Can you imagine it? Heaven is going to be clearer that HD TV. Instead of High Definition (HD) we will see our (ED) Eternal Destination. It will be amazing.
Jesus Christ is king! And as the lamb that was slain, he deserves all power, wealth, glory and never ending praise. All creation is going to bow as earth and heaven join in the celebration. What a glorious day that will be when Jesus is finally revealed as the King that he is. I simply can’t wait.
I can’t wait until all the peoples from the different nations of the earth circle around Gods throne and lift up one voice in praise and worship to the King of all glory. And you can bet it will happen, we even know the words that we will be singing. Revelation 5:8-13, “8 Now when He (Jesus) had taken the scroll, the four living creatures and the twenty-four elders fell down before the Lamb, each having a harp, and golden bowls full of incense, which are the prayers of the saints. 9 And they sang a new song, saying:
"You are worthy to take the scroll,
And to open its seals;
For You were slain,
And have redeemed us to God by Your blood
Out of every tribe and tongue and people and nation,
10 And have made *us kings* and priests to our God;
And *we shall reign on the earth."
11 Then I looked, and I heard the voice of many angels around the throne, the living creatures, and the elders; and the number of them was ten thousand times ten thousand, and thousands of thousands, 12 saying with a loud voice:
"Worthy is the Lamb who was slain
To receive power and riches and wisdom,
And strength and honor and glory and blessing!"
13 And every creature which is in heaven and on the earth and under the earth and such as are in the sea, and all that are in them, I heard saying:
"Blessing and honor and glory and power
Be to Him who sits on the throne,
And to the Lamb, forever and ever!"
What a day that will be. I can hear in my mind the voice of God that is so powerful that when God speaks the heavens literally shake, yet with that same powerful voice, he whispers my name. He embraces me with those strong hands of his and I feel safe as he is my refuge. What a day! What a wonderful day!
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Journal 1/4/07
What a wonderful God I serve. I have been in a state of amazement since the day I was saved. The Love of God is so pure and unconditional. When I look at all the people that I have loved or have been loved by, there have always been conditions placed on it to one degree or another. Yet God loves me for no other reason that he chooses to love me.
I long to be a man who has integrity and who is like Jesus. I desire to be a man who is led by the spirit of God and filled on a daily basis with the spirit of God. I desire more than anything to fellowship and have communion with my Lord. And because God loves me so much, he made a way for that to be possible. The God of all creation actually paved the way for me to have fellowship with him….this simply blows me away.
Thank you Jesus for the work that you did on the cross when you bridged the gap between me and my God. You made me a friend of God when I was his enemy. Thank you. You are so worthy to be exalted. I can’t wait until the day where every person bows and calls you Lord. You are worthy. You are the lamb that was slain and you are worthy of my praise and worship. Thank you Jesus….Amen
I long to be a man who has integrity and who is like Jesus. I desire to be a man who is led by the spirit of God and filled on a daily basis with the spirit of God. I desire more than anything to fellowship and have communion with my Lord. And because God loves me so much, he made a way for that to be possible. The God of all creation actually paved the way for me to have fellowship with him….this simply blows me away.
Thank you Jesus for the work that you did on the cross when you bridged the gap between me and my God. You made me a friend of God when I was his enemy. Thank you. You are so worthy to be exalted. I can’t wait until the day where every person bows and calls you Lord. You are worthy. You are the lamb that was slain and you are worthy of my praise and worship. Thank you Jesus….Amen
Journal 1/4/07
What a wonderful God I serve. I have been in a state of amazement since the day I was saved. The Love of God is so pure and unconditional. When I look at all the people that I have loved or have been loved by, there have always been conditions placed on it to one degree or another. Yet God loves me for no other reason that he chooses to love me.
I long to be a man who has integrity and who is like Jesus. I desire to be a man who is led by the spirit of God and filled on a daily basis with the spirit of God. I desire more than anything to fellowship and have communion with my Lord. And because God loves me so much, he made a way for that to be possible. The God of all creation actually paved the way for me to have fellowship with him….this simply blows me away.
Thank you Jesus for the work that you did on the cross when you bridged the gap between me and my God. You made me a friend of God when I was his enemy. Thank you. You are so worthy to be exalted. I can’t wait until the day where every person bows and calls you Lord. You are worthy. You are the lamb that was slain and you are worthy of my praise and worship. Thank you Jesus….Amen
I long to be a man who has integrity and who is like Jesus. I desire to be a man who is led by the spirit of God and filled on a daily basis with the spirit of God. I desire more than anything to fellowship and have communion with my Lord. And because God loves me so much, he made a way for that to be possible. The God of all creation actually paved the way for me to have fellowship with him….this simply blows me away.
Thank you Jesus for the work that you did on the cross when you bridged the gap between me and my God. You made me a friend of God when I was his enemy. Thank you. You are so worthy to be exalted. I can’t wait until the day where every person bows and calls you Lord. You are worthy. You are the lamb that was slain and you are worthy of my praise and worship. Thank you Jesus….Amen
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Revelation
I am getting ready to teach the book of Revelation to the high school kids at my church. I have been studying the book and let me tell you, I am excited about it. Please pray for me that the Lord would give me wisdom and insight as I invest myself into this book. Thanks for all your prayers.
Friday, December 29, 2006
Journal 12/29/06
Lord,
You are so worthy to be exalted and praised. I am so grateful that you love me the way in which you do. Who am I Lord that you are mindful of me? You know who I am and I thank you that you love me in spite of where I have been and what I have done.
I long for home Lord, I long for the day that cars don't break down and water heaters don’t break. I long for the day that death no longer reigns as a king over us. I look forward to the day when your redeemed ones will be together in our glorified bodies and able to worship you with no sin inside of us. I hate being a sinner. I hate the fact that I am such a joke, but I do delight in the fact that you the King of kings delight in me. Wow Lord, you totally rock and I am grateful.
Please help my wife and I to find the church home that you designed for us to fellowship and worship in. Lead us into the area of ministry that you desire. use our gifts Lord for your glory and help us to not settle for anything less than your will and desires for our lives. I love you Jesus, not as much as I ought to, but I am grateful that you have enabled me to love you in the capacity that I do. You are my rock and as my rock, I must say, You ROCK!!!
In Jesus name I pray....Amen.
You are so worthy to be exalted and praised. I am so grateful that you love me the way in which you do. Who am I Lord that you are mindful of me? You know who I am and I thank you that you love me in spite of where I have been and what I have done.
I long for home Lord, I long for the day that cars don't break down and water heaters don’t break. I long for the day that death no longer reigns as a king over us. I look forward to the day when your redeemed ones will be together in our glorified bodies and able to worship you with no sin inside of us. I hate being a sinner. I hate the fact that I am such a joke, but I do delight in the fact that you the King of kings delight in me. Wow Lord, you totally rock and I am grateful.
Please help my wife and I to find the church home that you designed for us to fellowship and worship in. Lead us into the area of ministry that you desire. use our gifts Lord for your glory and help us to not settle for anything less than your will and desires for our lives. I love you Jesus, not as much as I ought to, but I am grateful that you have enabled me to love you in the capacity that I do. You are my rock and as my rock, I must say, You ROCK!!!
In Jesus name I pray....Amen.
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Journal 12/28/06
I am so frustrated with life. I feel like I am missing something that is so important yet I do not see what it is that I need to be looking at. I really miss Calvary Chapel Saving Grace. And I am not trying to be mean but the churches here in Oregon simply do not compare to the life that I experienced at CCSG. Things are so dead here. No one fellowships with anyone from the outside. No one cares for people here and it bothers me. I visited a church just last night and it was like we were invisible. No one even spoke to us. Why is that?
I am really bummed out and my heart is broken over the state of the church here in Portland. I am starting to visit church after church in my search for whatever it is that I am missing and the more I look, the more desperate I get. It's like every church so far that I have visited is run by one man; it isn't a living organism its a dead mausoleum and it frustrates me. I am so tired of the church being a one man show where the pastor leads worship and teaches and does this and does that and does everything and no one else is allowed to do any of these things. There is no room in these churches nor is there a desire to raise up the next generation. And my heart is broken.
I have been in the ministry for about 12 years now and really I have never had a problem doing the work of the Lord yet here in Oregon the impression I get is that the typical pastor thinks that no one is capable of hearing from the Lord but them. And therefore no one can step out and do what they are called to do because they simply are not hearing from the Lord. It really bums me out....actually it makes me angry.
Father,
I need you to heal me angry heart. I am so frustrated and simply mad. Will you help me to be the man you desire? Will you help me to resist the flesh and to walk in the Spirit? Lead me in Your ways O Lord as there is no other way that is worth traveling. I need to hear from you and I need Your leading hand to direct me so I know where to go and what to do? I know you called me here to Oregon but what is it that you desire to teach me? Do I need to surrender more? Probably. Oh my Jesus, help me to submit to you and to your authority as I work through these issues in my heart. I need you to heal me and teach me your ways. In Jesus name I pray...Amen.
I am really bummed out and my heart is broken over the state of the church here in Portland. I am starting to visit church after church in my search for whatever it is that I am missing and the more I look, the more desperate I get. It's like every church so far that I have visited is run by one man; it isn't a living organism its a dead mausoleum and it frustrates me. I am so tired of the church being a one man show where the pastor leads worship and teaches and does this and does that and does everything and no one else is allowed to do any of these things. There is no room in these churches nor is there a desire to raise up the next generation. And my heart is broken.
I have been in the ministry for about 12 years now and really I have never had a problem doing the work of the Lord yet here in Oregon the impression I get is that the typical pastor thinks that no one is capable of hearing from the Lord but them. And therefore no one can step out and do what they are called to do because they simply are not hearing from the Lord. It really bums me out....actually it makes me angry.
Father,
I need you to heal me angry heart. I am so frustrated and simply mad. Will you help me to be the man you desire? Will you help me to resist the flesh and to walk in the Spirit? Lead me in Your ways O Lord as there is no other way that is worth traveling. I need to hear from you and I need Your leading hand to direct me so I know where to go and what to do? I know you called me here to Oregon but what is it that you desire to teach me? Do I need to surrender more? Probably. Oh my Jesus, help me to submit to you and to your authority as I work through these issues in my heart. I need you to heal me and teach me your ways. In Jesus name I pray...Amen.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Friday, December 22, 2006
Journal 12/22/06
Oh what I would do have the kind of faith that it takes to climb out of this boat of unbelief and fear on into the crashing waves of obedience and intimacy with the Lord. I desire to step out of my comfort zone of apathy into the realm of the unknown. I long to go into that place where I am able to see you Jesus standing upon the shore as you hold out your hands calling out my name. But the waves are really terrifying as they shout out my name. The waves mock me and laugh at me. They remind me of all the times before when I tried to step out in faith and yet I failed and sank as they crashed down upon my weary soul. As the water rises and falls, twists and turns, I start to get a nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach as I feel sea sick; alone, and scared.
Yet the voice of Jesus calls out to me saying, “Do not be afraid”. The voice of Jesus speaks to me saying, “All this is for My glory son, trust Me”. I can hear the Lord though many voices are calling out to me. As the waves rise and crash around me yelling out curse words and blasphemies against me and also against my Lord; I hear through all the chaos the soft whisper of Jesus. “Do not be afraid, Bill. Come to Me. Take the leap of faith and step out into the unknown depths of the ocean’s tide.”
“Lord, the waves are simply too big. I can’t stand in this torrent of destruction!”
“Bill, do not be afraid, simply follow the sound of my voice. You will be ok, follow my voice my child!”
So I jump out of this boat of apathy into the raging torrents of despair in hopes of finding the One who alone can satisfy my thirsty and weary soul. The raging waters only terrify me; they do not quench the overwhelming thirst that invades my core being. And as I take this step of faith and jump into the water, I get drenched, I get beat up by the harsh cruel reality of the currents wetness as the winds of despair blow the raging seas all around me. I sob in total horror as the current overtakes me like a sudden flood. I am bitterly cold as the icy chill rips through my body. I am abandoned and alone. I start to sink as fear grips me. The waves screech and yell, “You are going to drown. There is no hope for you now!”. I turn and begin to swim in desperation as I head back towards the boat. “Where did it go? Where is the boat I just jumped from?” I look in every direction for the boat but it is too far away; it is too dark to see….I frantically splash as I kick my arms and feet while treading water to stay afloat. I am in a panic.
“Bill, follow my voice….”
Though I feel like I am all but dead in this violent downpour I start to turn towards my only hope. And this hope is not something tangible like the boat I came from, it is merely a voice in the distant horizon. As I tread the fierce storm waters and look to where the voice is coming from, I fearfully begin swimming as the thunder assaults me. I swim and swim and swim. I swim for days, weeks, months, years…I keep swimming.
“You are a liar, backstabber, betrayer, deceiver, LIAR” are the words that are thrown at me in my torturous swim of faith. “You are such a back stabber! You are a LIAR, You deceive everyone!” are the words I hear from the white wash waves as they punish and splash upon me. Yet in the midst of these harsh words I hear Your whisper, “Bill, follow Me….follow My voice.” I can see you holding onto my pain and using it to pull me closer to you and closer to your ways as I swim in your direction.
In absolute desperation I swim harder and faster, as I race frantically towards the whisper I hear in the distance. Your voice is so hard to make out at times in the midst of this storm. So I swim on hoping that I am swimming in the right direction as I am tossed to and fro in the waters of death. As the storm rages on, I swim enduring the sufferings that are inflicted upon my drenched and lowly frame. I am now desperately seeking and frantically searching for the voice of my Lord.
And though I don’t understand your ways Lord; I am passionately seeking the sight of your face as that is all that keeps me moving forward. You are all I am in need of now. I know it’s going to be worth it all once I finally see you. I believe that with all my heart. This storm of suffering that I am enduring will be worth it. How I look to that day that I finally make it to the shore where you no longer have to pull on the strings of my heart. For on that day, my heart will be fully in your hand. You will no longer have to tug; for you will have me fully; wholly and I will be safe in your arms as you are my hope and shelter as I endure this fierce storm.
Until then please help me to swim. Help me to run the race with endurance until I finally get to behold you in all your glory. Help me to follow your voice in the midst of suffering. Help me to cling to the hope of seeing you as I swim on in my insecurity. Help me to trust you when I start to lose heart and feel like giving up.
I can’t wait to see your face before me. I can’t wait to stand with you on the shores of eternity. I can’t wait to walk beside you; embracing you as you embrace me. I can’t wait to be surrounded by your glory. I can’t wait to be in the presence of my king….to sing and dance before my Lord. You are worth more than swimming in a thousand oceans and the more I swim the more desirable you become. You are far more valuable than the very life that I have to offer you. I worship you Jesus. I simply cannot fathom what it will be like on that special day when the race is finally over and you are there standing at the finish line. Oh the glory, what a wonderful day that will be.
Yet the voice of Jesus calls out to me saying, “Do not be afraid”. The voice of Jesus speaks to me saying, “All this is for My glory son, trust Me”. I can hear the Lord though many voices are calling out to me. As the waves rise and crash around me yelling out curse words and blasphemies against me and also against my Lord; I hear through all the chaos the soft whisper of Jesus. “Do not be afraid, Bill. Come to Me. Take the leap of faith and step out into the unknown depths of the ocean’s tide.”
“Lord, the waves are simply too big. I can’t stand in this torrent of destruction!”
“Bill, do not be afraid, simply follow the sound of my voice. You will be ok, follow my voice my child!”
So I jump out of this boat of apathy into the raging torrents of despair in hopes of finding the One who alone can satisfy my thirsty and weary soul. The raging waters only terrify me; they do not quench the overwhelming thirst that invades my core being. And as I take this step of faith and jump into the water, I get drenched, I get beat up by the harsh cruel reality of the currents wetness as the winds of despair blow the raging seas all around me. I sob in total horror as the current overtakes me like a sudden flood. I am bitterly cold as the icy chill rips through my body. I am abandoned and alone. I start to sink as fear grips me. The waves screech and yell, “You are going to drown. There is no hope for you now!”. I turn and begin to swim in desperation as I head back towards the boat. “Where did it go? Where is the boat I just jumped from?” I look in every direction for the boat but it is too far away; it is too dark to see….I frantically splash as I kick my arms and feet while treading water to stay afloat. I am in a panic.
“Bill, follow my voice….”
Though I feel like I am all but dead in this violent downpour I start to turn towards my only hope. And this hope is not something tangible like the boat I came from, it is merely a voice in the distant horizon. As I tread the fierce storm waters and look to where the voice is coming from, I fearfully begin swimming as the thunder assaults me. I swim and swim and swim. I swim for days, weeks, months, years…I keep swimming.
“You are a liar, backstabber, betrayer, deceiver, LIAR” are the words that are thrown at me in my torturous swim of faith. “You are such a back stabber! You are a LIAR, You deceive everyone!” are the words I hear from the white wash waves as they punish and splash upon me. Yet in the midst of these harsh words I hear Your whisper, “Bill, follow Me….follow My voice.” I can see you holding onto my pain and using it to pull me closer to you and closer to your ways as I swim in your direction.
In absolute desperation I swim harder and faster, as I race frantically towards the whisper I hear in the distance. Your voice is so hard to make out at times in the midst of this storm. So I swim on hoping that I am swimming in the right direction as I am tossed to and fro in the waters of death. As the storm rages on, I swim enduring the sufferings that are inflicted upon my drenched and lowly frame. I am now desperately seeking and frantically searching for the voice of my Lord.
And though I don’t understand your ways Lord; I am passionately seeking the sight of your face as that is all that keeps me moving forward. You are all I am in need of now. I know it’s going to be worth it all once I finally see you. I believe that with all my heart. This storm of suffering that I am enduring will be worth it. How I look to that day that I finally make it to the shore where you no longer have to pull on the strings of my heart. For on that day, my heart will be fully in your hand. You will no longer have to tug; for you will have me fully; wholly and I will be safe in your arms as you are my hope and shelter as I endure this fierce storm.
Until then please help me to swim. Help me to run the race with endurance until I finally get to behold you in all your glory. Help me to follow your voice in the midst of suffering. Help me to cling to the hope of seeing you as I swim on in my insecurity. Help me to trust you when I start to lose heart and feel like giving up.
I can’t wait to see your face before me. I can’t wait to stand with you on the shores of eternity. I can’t wait to walk beside you; embracing you as you embrace me. I can’t wait to be surrounded by your glory. I can’t wait to be in the presence of my king….to sing and dance before my Lord. You are worth more than swimming in a thousand oceans and the more I swim the more desirable you become. You are far more valuable than the very life that I have to offer you. I worship you Jesus. I simply cannot fathom what it will be like on that special day when the race is finally over and you are there standing at the finish line. Oh the glory, what a wonderful day that will be.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Your love broke through – Keith Green
Your love broke through – Keith Green (He often sings the words that are on my heart)
Like a foolish dreamer trying to build a highway to the sky;
All my hopes came tumbling down and I never knew just why
Until today, when you pulled away the clouds that hung like curtains on my eyes
Well I’ve been blind all these wasted years when I thought I was so wise
But then you took me by surprise
Like waking up from the longest dream; how real it seemed; until your love broke through
I’ve been lost in a fantasy that blinded me until your love broke through.
All my life I have been searching for that crazy missing part
And with one touch you simply rolled away the stone that held my heart
Now I see that the answer was as easy as just asking you in
And I am so sure that I could never doubt your gentle touch again
Its like the power of the wind.
Like a foolish dreamer trying to build a highway to the sky;
All my hopes came tumbling down and I never knew just why
Until today, when you pulled away the clouds that hung like curtains on my eyes
Well I’ve been blind all these wasted years when I thought I was so wise
But then you took me by surprise
Like waking up from the longest dream; how real it seemed; until your love broke through
I’ve been lost in a fantasy that blinded me until your love broke through.
All my life I have been searching for that crazy missing part
And with one touch you simply rolled away the stone that held my heart
Now I see that the answer was as easy as just asking you in
And I am so sure that I could never doubt your gentle touch again
Its like the power of the wind.
Journal 12/21/06 - part two
When I say that I love you, I merely mouth the words as my actions do the opposite of what my words mouth out. I hate being so drawn to sin. I hate the fact that I do find sin pleasurable and most of the time I am unwilling to give up the darkness found in my heart.
Make me willing Lord….I mean, I am willing now, but then 10 minutes from now I will find myself back in sin. I hate the fact that I go back and forth….all the time. You bid me to come to you, so here I am….take me home; sanctify my depraved heart and empty me of self so I can be filled with all of you.
Bill
Make me willing Lord….I mean, I am willing now, but then 10 minutes from now I will find myself back in sin. I hate the fact that I go back and forth….all the time. You bid me to come to you, so here I am….take me home; sanctify my depraved heart and empty me of self so I can be filled with all of you.
Bill
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Journal 12/14/06
When I consider the stars as the work of your hands and when I consider who You are my Lord; and who I am in light of who you are; I start asking myself, who are you to give everything for me? You withhold nothing from me and I will never know the price you chose to pay. I will never know the depth that you had to go to give everything for me. Did You really do all this just to say I love you? I am left here speechless as my mouth drops in wonder while I contemplate Your goodness towards me.
I want to shout out that You don't know who I am; who I really am in the depth of my depravity. But then my mouth shuts as I read Psalm 139 because it is clear that You know me inside out. And when I tie this into Romans 8:28-29; I start weeping. I am a wretched sinner and yet You knowing this; You still invested all that You are into me. The wisest men of the world would say that this was a bad investment; that You would be wasting Your valuable time investing in me....and You are wiser than all men. Yet You invested into me any ways. And in Your foreknowledge You predestined me to be conformed into the image, the reflection of Jesus. You have called me to reflect Your son.
I am nothing like You Lord. When I read in Your word about Your love, tenderness, compassion, mercy, and all Your other attributes, I stop and think that I am none of those things. But I desire to give You my all. I want You to take my life. I want to give You my heart, not just my body. But I want to give You all of me, not just lip service. Yet I am torn as I go back and forth over and over again between lip service and real commitment to You. I know You are what I want but sin clouds my eyes so that I cannot see at all.
The truth is that I can’t wait to see Your face, to look upon You with tears in my eyes. I long for the day that I can fall on my face and worship You my Lord face to face so to speak. I am one of those people who pierced You and yet Your love compels me to reach out to You; crying for mercy.
I reach out to You through the shadows of my depravity that I have lived through. I reach out to You through all the lies that I have believed in hopes that Your truth will set me free. I see that You are holy but as I reflect on my life, I am unholy. I am unclean. I can see Your reflection dimly. I lift my head as I see the light of Your Son. And because of the cross of Jesus I am able to take a step towards Your light as I flee the shadows of the wilderness that I have made my home in. As I see You taking my place I sob even more as the darkness starts to fade. Beneath Your cross I am able to take the steps needed to flee my past. You have given me wings so I am able to fly. I can now run the race as You carry me from darkness to light.
I was pondering the account in Luke when Mary was pregnant with You. What did she feel? What was it like for her? What was her point of view? What is the symbolism of Mary saying yes, let Christ "grow" in me? What did she do when she felt Your 1st kick in her womb? How did she feel as You literally grew day by day in her? It was obvious to everyone that You were in her because her body changed as You grew in her more and more with each passing day.
That is what I want. I want to be changed as You grow in me Jesus. I want to feel Your growing pains as You get bigger and bigger inside of me. I want to be in that place where I say, yes Lord, grow in me. Will You please grow in me Lord?
What did Mary think as she prepared for Your coming? As You grew in her she had to prepare for Your coming. And as You grow in me I also want to prepare for Your return; Your 2nd coming.
I think of how you had to break through her placenta to come. And how you literally had to break her so that she could see You with her own eyes. Yet You desire the same thing with me. You want to break me; You desire to tear down the walls of callousness in my heart so that I can finally set my eyes upon You. You desire to prepare me for Your return and in the same way that you broke through Mary’s birth canal and tore through her flesh. So you desire to do with me. You want to tear through my flesh to prepare me for Your return. So here I am Lord…..weak as I may be; I am here. Please do Your work in me….grow in me….tear through my flesh…..so I may at last behold Your glory and see You face to face.
I want to shout out that You don't know who I am; who I really am in the depth of my depravity. But then my mouth shuts as I read Psalm 139 because it is clear that You know me inside out. And when I tie this into Romans 8:28-29; I start weeping. I am a wretched sinner and yet You knowing this; You still invested all that You are into me. The wisest men of the world would say that this was a bad investment; that You would be wasting Your valuable time investing in me....and You are wiser than all men. Yet You invested into me any ways. And in Your foreknowledge You predestined me to be conformed into the image, the reflection of Jesus. You have called me to reflect Your son.
I am nothing like You Lord. When I read in Your word about Your love, tenderness, compassion, mercy, and all Your other attributes, I stop and think that I am none of those things. But I desire to give You my all. I want You to take my life. I want to give You my heart, not just my body. But I want to give You all of me, not just lip service. Yet I am torn as I go back and forth over and over again between lip service and real commitment to You. I know You are what I want but sin clouds my eyes so that I cannot see at all.
The truth is that I can’t wait to see Your face, to look upon You with tears in my eyes. I long for the day that I can fall on my face and worship You my Lord face to face so to speak. I am one of those people who pierced You and yet Your love compels me to reach out to You; crying for mercy.
I reach out to You through the shadows of my depravity that I have lived through. I reach out to You through all the lies that I have believed in hopes that Your truth will set me free. I see that You are holy but as I reflect on my life, I am unholy. I am unclean. I can see Your reflection dimly. I lift my head as I see the light of Your Son. And because of the cross of Jesus I am able to take a step towards Your light as I flee the shadows of the wilderness that I have made my home in. As I see You taking my place I sob even more as the darkness starts to fade. Beneath Your cross I am able to take the steps needed to flee my past. You have given me wings so I am able to fly. I can now run the race as You carry me from darkness to light.
I was pondering the account in Luke when Mary was pregnant with You. What did she feel? What was it like for her? What was her point of view? What is the symbolism of Mary saying yes, let Christ "grow" in me? What did she do when she felt Your 1st kick in her womb? How did she feel as You literally grew day by day in her? It was obvious to everyone that You were in her because her body changed as You grew in her more and more with each passing day.
That is what I want. I want to be changed as You grow in me Jesus. I want to feel Your growing pains as You get bigger and bigger inside of me. I want to be in that place where I say, yes Lord, grow in me. Will You please grow in me Lord?
What did Mary think as she prepared for Your coming? As You grew in her she had to prepare for Your coming. And as You grow in me I also want to prepare for Your return; Your 2nd coming.
I think of how you had to break through her placenta to come. And how you literally had to break her so that she could see You with her own eyes. Yet You desire the same thing with me. You want to break me; You desire to tear down the walls of callousness in my heart so that I can finally set my eyes upon You. You desire to prepare me for Your return and in the same way that you broke through Mary’s birth canal and tore through her flesh. So you desire to do with me. You want to tear through my flesh to prepare me for Your return. So here I am Lord…..weak as I may be; I am here. Please do Your work in me….grow in me….tear through my flesh…..so I may at last behold Your glory and see You face to face.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
I can hear you calling...
I can hear you calling out; searching for me. You do not sit there waiting for me to return to you; you passionately pursue me in a love driven state. You seem panic stricken in your search. Why? What are you so concerned about? I mean it’s not that I am lost. I can hear your voice it’s faint but I can hear it. You are shouting out; not in anger, but so I can hear you, “I love you Bill; where are you!” “You love me? Of course you love me; you have told me this my whole life; why are you telling me this again?” I can hear your voice in the distance, it sounds like you are weeping as you call out my name.
Why are you calling me? Am I lost? I can't be; I have known you for 15 years now. Yet I find that your voice though faint is as clear as day. You are searching for me. "Bill, where are you?"
"I am right here!" I say in response. "I am right here; can't you see me?" But it is not my physical body that you are searching for. You are looking for my heart. My heart has gotten lost and you search for it as my heart is who I am. “I am right here; can’t you see me? Can’t you hear me?”
I start to sob and weep as your voice gets further and further away. I start to mourn as I feel as if you have lost me. “You are going the wrong way! I am over here, turn around; TURN AROUND!!!” Yet your voice disappears into the night. It is now that I see that I am an utter mess, I am totally lost as I strain to hear your voice; yet you are no where to be found. “I am lost!” I start sobbing as I contemplate where I am at. I am in utter darkness. And yet I did not know I was lost until I heard your distant voice start to fade. I start to mourn with sounds unbearable for the ear to comprehend. My eyes fill with tears as my heart weeps and sobs with the horror of realizing that I cannot hear you; even more so, you cannot hear me.
Words flee me as the pain inside causes me to utter out groans that are too weak to hear. I am no longer audible. I whimper a cry of death as I lay here in my hopeless state. Like a wounded animal about to become prey; I lay here lifeless in total despair. Words flee my mouth as I whimper, sob and mourn.
As all hope is lost, I feel a hand touch me. “There you are Bill. I have looked all over for you and at last I have found you again.”
I look up trembling as I wipe the tears from my face. “Lord, how did you find me? I mean when I was shouting out to you, you could not hear me. Yet when I am unable to speak, because of the despair in my heart it is then that you hear and find me? I don’t understand.”
“My son, your heart is a fragile instrument. It is not like any other instrument on earth. You see my son, with other instruments you have to strike the chord in order for it to be heard. But the heart is different; the more you strum it, the harder it is to hear. And though you think you can be heard the harder you strum; the truth is that the more your march to the beat of your own heart, the further away from me you get. But once you stop strumming; it is then that the strings of your heart start to sing. It is at that point that I can hear the melodies of mourning that pours from within your soul. When your soul began to pour out the song of surrender; it was easy to find you. And now I have you my son. I have you and you are safe!”
"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?
I, the LORD, search the heart….”
"By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us. And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren. But whoever has this world's goods, and sees his brother in need, and shuts up his heart from him, how does the love of God abide in him?
My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth. And by this we know that we are of the truth, and shall assure our hearts before Him. For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things. Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence toward God. And whatever we ask we receive from Him, because we keep His commandments and do those things that are pleasing in His sight. And this is His commandment: that we should believe on the name of His Son Jesus Christ and love one another, as He gave us commandment."
Why are you calling me? Am I lost? I can't be; I have known you for 15 years now. Yet I find that your voice though faint is as clear as day. You are searching for me. "Bill, where are you?"
"I am right here!" I say in response. "I am right here; can't you see me?" But it is not my physical body that you are searching for. You are looking for my heart. My heart has gotten lost and you search for it as my heart is who I am. “I am right here; can’t you see me? Can’t you hear me?”
I start to sob and weep as your voice gets further and further away. I start to mourn as I feel as if you have lost me. “You are going the wrong way! I am over here, turn around; TURN AROUND!!!” Yet your voice disappears into the night. It is now that I see that I am an utter mess, I am totally lost as I strain to hear your voice; yet you are no where to be found. “I am lost!” I start sobbing as I contemplate where I am at. I am in utter darkness. And yet I did not know I was lost until I heard your distant voice start to fade. I start to mourn with sounds unbearable for the ear to comprehend. My eyes fill with tears as my heart weeps and sobs with the horror of realizing that I cannot hear you; even more so, you cannot hear me.
Words flee me as the pain inside causes me to utter out groans that are too weak to hear. I am no longer audible. I whimper a cry of death as I lay here in my hopeless state. Like a wounded animal about to become prey; I lay here lifeless in total despair. Words flee my mouth as I whimper, sob and mourn.
As all hope is lost, I feel a hand touch me. “There you are Bill. I have looked all over for you and at last I have found you again.”
I look up trembling as I wipe the tears from my face. “Lord, how did you find me? I mean when I was shouting out to you, you could not hear me. Yet when I am unable to speak, because of the despair in my heart it is then that you hear and find me? I don’t understand.”
“My son, your heart is a fragile instrument. It is not like any other instrument on earth. You see my son, with other instruments you have to strike the chord in order for it to be heard. But the heart is different; the more you strum it, the harder it is to hear. And though you think you can be heard the harder you strum; the truth is that the more your march to the beat of your own heart, the further away from me you get. But once you stop strumming; it is then that the strings of your heart start to sing. It is at that point that I can hear the melodies of mourning that pours from within your soul. When your soul began to pour out the song of surrender; it was easy to find you. And now I have you my son. I have you and you are safe!”
"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?
I, the LORD, search the heart….”
"By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us. And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren. But whoever has this world's goods, and sees his brother in need, and shuts up his heart from him, how does the love of God abide in him?
My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth. And by this we know that we are of the truth, and shall assure our hearts before Him. For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things. Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence toward God. And whatever we ask we receive from Him, because we keep His commandments and do those things that are pleasing in His sight. And this is His commandment: that we should believe on the name of His Son Jesus Christ and love one another, as He gave us commandment."
Journal 12/12/06
Father,
Help me to be a man who is changed by Your word. You desire my sanctification and I want to have integrity when it comes to Your Word. Help me to walk filled with Your presence. Help me to read and interpret and understand Your word Jesus. Help me to build my life on the Rock of Your word and not the sand of this world. Help me to trust You in the midst of suffering and help me to walk in Your ways O Lord. I am desperate for You and Your mercy and Your compassion. Have pity on me Lord.
I pray for my family and I ask that if You are willing please bless them today. Please minister and teach Billy Jr. Your ways today. Teach him to be a leader by being a servant. Help him to see his need for a Savior.
Please heal Tobias and help him to not have Autism. If you choose to allow him to have this, then help us to minister to him in love. Help him to trust you all the days of his life.
And I ask and dedicate Mercy to You O Lord. Give her a desire to know You even know. Teach her Your ways O Lord that she may walk in truth all the days of her life.
And I ask for a special blessing on Jessica. Please use her to teach these kids Your ways. Help her to teach them math and science, and help her to have them memorize your Word. Help her to potty train the kids and give her grace when she is discouraged. I pray that you would minister to Jessica and use her for Your glory with our kids. We need you Jesus.
And I pray for me Lord, I need to be a man who walks worthy of the call that you have placed upon my life. Lead me by your Spirit and teach me Your word so I can teach the youth your ways. Help me to walk with integrity in all areas of my life and redefine my character. I am a mess and I need You Jesus to do a work. So please lead us in Your ways. In Jesus name I ask these things…..Amen
Help me to be a man who is changed by Your word. You desire my sanctification and I want to have integrity when it comes to Your Word. Help me to walk filled with Your presence. Help me to read and interpret and understand Your word Jesus. Help me to build my life on the Rock of Your word and not the sand of this world. Help me to trust You in the midst of suffering and help me to walk in Your ways O Lord. I am desperate for You and Your mercy and Your compassion. Have pity on me Lord.
I pray for my family and I ask that if You are willing please bless them today. Please minister and teach Billy Jr. Your ways today. Teach him to be a leader by being a servant. Help him to see his need for a Savior.
Please heal Tobias and help him to not have Autism. If you choose to allow him to have this, then help us to minister to him in love. Help him to trust you all the days of his life.
And I ask and dedicate Mercy to You O Lord. Give her a desire to know You even know. Teach her Your ways O Lord that she may walk in truth all the days of her life.
And I ask for a special blessing on Jessica. Please use her to teach these kids Your ways. Help her to teach them math and science, and help her to have them memorize your Word. Help her to potty train the kids and give her grace when she is discouraged. I pray that you would minister to Jessica and use her for Your glory with our kids. We need you Jesus.
And I pray for me Lord, I need to be a man who walks worthy of the call that you have placed upon my life. Lead me by your Spirit and teach me Your word so I can teach the youth your ways. Help me to walk with integrity in all areas of my life and redefine my character. I am a mess and I need You Jesus to do a work. So please lead us in Your ways. In Jesus name I ask these things…..Amen
Thursday, December 07, 2006
I am bummed
So I have been told that my sone Tobias is showing sign of being autistic. Here is what the dictionary says about it and I have put in bold what signs he is showing.
au·tism /ˈɔtɪzəm/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[aw-tiz-uhm] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun 1. Psychiatry. a pervasive developmental disorder of children, characterized by impaired communication, excessive rigidity, and emotional detachment.
2. a tendency to view life in terms of one's own needs and desires.
n. A psychiatric disorder of childhood characterized by marked deficits in communication and social interaction, preoccupation with fantasy, language impairment, and abnormal behavior, such as repetitive acts and excessive attachment to certain objects. It is usually associated with intellectual impairment.
n.
Abnormal introversion and egocentricity; acceptance of fantasy rather than reality.
Infantile autism.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
au·tistic (ô-tstk) adj.
: a developmental disorder that appears by age three and that is variable in expression but is recognized and diagnosed by impairment of the ability to form normal social relationships, by impairment of the ability to communicate with others, and by stereotyped behavior patterns especially as exhibited by a preoccupation with repetitive activities of restricted focus rather than with flexible and imaginative ones
Let's just say that I am a tad frustrated.
au·tism /ˈɔtɪzəm/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[aw-tiz-uhm] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun 1. Psychiatry. a pervasive developmental disorder of children, characterized by impaired communication, excessive rigidity, and emotional detachment.
2. a tendency to view life in terms of one's own needs and desires.
n. A psychiatric disorder of childhood characterized by marked deficits in communication and social interaction, preoccupation with fantasy, language impairment, and abnormal behavior, such as repetitive acts and excessive attachment to certain objects. It is usually associated with intellectual impairment.
n.
Abnormal introversion and egocentricity; acceptance of fantasy rather than reality.
Infantile autism.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
au·tistic (ô-tstk) adj.
: a developmental disorder that appears by age three and that is variable in expression but is recognized and diagnosed by impairment of the ability to form normal social relationships, by impairment of the ability to communicate with others, and by stereotyped behavior patterns especially as exhibited by a preoccupation with repetitive activities of restricted focus rather than with flexible and imaginative ones
Let's just say that I am a tad frustrated.
Monday, December 04, 2006
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)