This Saturday

Well, this Saturday night I get to have three mormon girls come over to tell me about their religion. Please pray for me. Here are some things that I have gotten in my studies of Mormonism. These are quotes from the leaders themselves. I actually have these in my Bible and I use them as cheat sheets. Pray that the Lord would bring to light the truth and that true conversion would happen. Thanks.....enjoy these quotes and their references.



Examining the Evidence of Mormonism

1. “I say to the whole world, receive the truth, no matter who presents it to you. Take up the Bible, compare the religion of the Latter-day Saints with it, and see if it will stand the test.”

Brigham Young
Journal of Discourses
Volume 16, Page 46
1873
_____________________
2. If we cannot convince you by reason nor by the word of God, that your religion is wrong, we will not persecute you, but will sustain you in the privileges, guaranteed in the great Charter of American Liberty: we ask of you the same generosity –protect us in the exercise of our religious rights –convince us of our errors of doctrine, if we have any, by reason, by logical arguments, or by the word of God, and we will be ever grateful for the information, and you will ever have the pleasing reflection that you have been instruments in the hands of God of redeeming you fellow beings”

Orson Pratt
The Seer
Page 15
1854
____________________
3. “Now hear it, O inhabitants of the earth, Jew and Gentile, Saint and sinner! When our father Adam came into the garden of Eden, he came into it with a celestial body, and brought Eve, one of his wives, with him. He helped to make and organize this world. He is MICHAEL, the Archangel, the ANCIENT OF DAYS! About whom holy men have written and spoken —He is our FATHER and our GOD, and the only God with whom we have to do. Every man upon the earth, professing Christians or non-professing, must hear it and will know it sooner of later.

Brigham Young
Journal of Discourses
Volume 1, page 50
April 9, 1852
____________________
4. “You believe Adam was made of the dust of this earth. This I do not believe, though it is supposed that it is so written in the Bible; but it is not, to my understanding. You can write that information to the States, if you please –that I have publicly declared that I do not believe that portion of the Bible as the Christian world do. I never did, and I never want to.”

Brigham Young
Journal of Discourses
Volume 2, page 6
1853
____________________


5. “Thou we have it in history that our father Adam was made of the dust of the earth, and that he knew nothing about his God previous to being made here, yet it is not so; and when we learn the truth we shall see and understand that he helped to make this world, and was the chief manager in that operation.”
Brigham Young
Journal of Discourses
Volume 3, page 319
1856
____________________
6. “After men have got their exaltations and their crowns –have become Gods, even the sons of God –are made Kings of kings and Lord of lords, they have the power then of propagating their species in spirit;
Brigham Young
Journal of Discourses
Volume 6, page 275
1852
____________________
7. “Mankind are here because they are the offspring of parents who were first brought here from another planet, and power was given them to propagate their species.”

Brigham Young
Journal of Discourses
Volume 7, Page 285
1859
____________________
8. “Now, remember from this time forth, and forever, that Jesus Christ was not begotten by the Holy Ghost.”
Brigham Young
Millennial Star
Volume 15, Page 770
1853
____________________

False Prophecies

Paramount to determining whether or not a person really is a prophet of God, is the testing of the prophecies uttered in the name of the Lord. Deuteronomy 18:20-22 makes it clear that if a pretended “prophet” says anything in the name of the Lord, and the “thing follow not, nor come to pass” then that is a false prophecy. Believers in the true and living God are then counseled not to pay any attention to that false prophet.
____________________
9. “Brigham Young will become President of the United States”

Heber C. Kimbal
Journal of Discourses
Volume 5, Page 219
Sept. 6, 1856
____________________
10. “You see some classes of the human family that are black, uncouth, uncomely, disagreeable and low in their habits, wild, and seemingly deprived of nearly all the blessings of the intelligence that is generally bestowed upon mankind. The first man that committed the odious crime of killing one of his brethren will be cursed the longest of any one of the children of Adam. Cain slew his brother. Cain might have been killed, and that would have been the termination to that line of human beings. This was not to be, and the Lord put a mark upon him, which is the flat nose and black skin.”
Brigham Young
Journal of Discourses
Volume 7, Page 290
October 9,1859
____________________
11. “The only men who become Gods, even the Sons of God, are those who enter into polygamy.”
Brigham Young
Journal of Discourses
Volume 11, Page 269
April 19, 1866
____________________
12. “Do you think that we shall ever be admitted as a State into the Union without denying the principle of polygamy? If we are not admitted until then, we shall never be admitted.”
Brigham Young
Journal of Discourses
Volume 11, Page 269
April 19, 1866
____________________
13. “I prophesy in the name of the Lord God of Israel, unless the United States redress the wrongs committed upon the Saints in the state of Missouri and punish the crimes committed by her officers that in a few years the government will be utterly overthrown and wasted, and there will not be so much as a potsherd left,”

Joseph Smith
History of the Church
Volume 5, Page 394
May 18, 1843
____________________
14. “God himself is increasing and progressing in knowledge, power, and dominion, and will do so, worlds without end.”

Wilford Woodruff
Journal of Discourses
Volume 6, Page 120
1857
____________________
15. “The man Joseph, the husband of Mary, did not, that we know of, have more than one wife, but Mary the wife of Joseph had another husband.”

Brigham Young
Journal of Discourses
Volume 11, Page 268
1866
____________________
16. “Hence, the doctrine of a plurality of Gods is as prominent in the Bible as any other doctrine. It is all over the face of the Bible. It stands beyond the power of controversy.”

Joseph Smith
History of the Church
Volume 6, Page 474
1844
____________________
17. “The fleshly body of Jesus required a Mother as well as Father. Therefore, the Father and Mother of Jesus, according to the flesh, must have been associated together in the capacity of Husband and wife; hence the Virgin Mary must have been, for the time being, the lawful wife of God the Father”

Orson Pratt
The Seer
Page 158
1853
____________________
18. “The angel taught Joseph Smith those principles which are necessary for the salvation of the world”

Wilford Woodruff
Journal of Discourses
Volume 2, Page 196
1855
____________________
19. “How did this state of things called Mormonism originate? We read that an angel came down and revealed himself to Joseph Smith and manifested unto him in vision the true position of the world in a religious point of view. He was surrounded with light and glory while the heavenly messenger communicated these things unto him”

John Taylor
Journal of Discourses
Volume 10, Page 127
1863
____________________
20. “Baptism is just as essential to salvation, as Faith and Repentance. –Without being immersed in water no man can enter into the fulness of Celestial glory”

Orson Pratt
The Seer Page 255 1854
____________________
21. “Now if any of you will deny the plurality of wives, and continue to do so, I promise that you will be damned”

Brigham Young
Journal of Discourses
Volume 3, Page 266
1855
____________________


Strange Teachings

22. “Does the earth conceive? It does. Where did the earth come from? From its parent earths. The earth is alive. If it was not, it could not produce.”

Heber C. Kimball
Journal of Discourses
Volume 6, Page 36
1857
____________________
23. “no man or woman in this dispensation will ever enter into the celestial kingdom of God without the consent of Joseph Smith. From the day that the Priesthood was taken from the earth to the winding-up scene of all things, every man and woman must have the certificate of Joseph Smith, junior, as a passport to their entrance into the mansion where God and Christ are”

Brigham Young
Journal of Discourses
Volume 7, Page 289
1869
____________________
24. “Who can tell us of the inhabitants of this little planet that shines of an evening, called the moon? …when you inquire about the inhabitants of that sphere you find that the most learned are as ignorant in regard to them as the most ignorant of their fellows. So it is with regard to the inhabitants of the sun. Do you think it is inhabited? I rather think it is. Do you think there is any life there? No question of it; it was not made in vain. It was made to give light to those who dwell upon it, and to other planets; and so will this earth when it is celestialized.”

Brigham Young
Journal of Discourses
Volume 13, page 271
1870
____________________
25. “…What man or woman on the earth, what spirit in the spirit-world can say truthfully that I ever gave a wrong word of counsel, or a word of advice that could not be sanctioned by the heavens? The success which has attended me in my presidency is owing to the blessings and mercy of the Almighty. Why I have referred to this is to show you that I realize the importance of obeying the words of the Lord, which he gives through his acknowledged servants…”

Brigham Young
Journal of Discourses
Volume 12, Page 127 1867
____________________

Prayer Journal

Father,

Things seem so different these days. The fuzzy feelings of being a new believer are gone and those feelings have been gone for years. Life just ticks by day in day out without letting up at all. Why is it so difficult to be consistant? I wish I could just sit with you and be able to hold a normal conversation with you. I wish I could see you face to face. I can't wait until that day actually comes.....

Bill

Hell's Best Kept Secret

This book that you can read in its entirety for free is one that has had the GREATEST influence in my life thus far with the exception of the Bible. It is written by Ray Comfort and I can validate from personal knowledge of him that he is a right on guy. The man loves the Lord and loves people. Anyways, the book is called “Hell’s best kept Secret”. I hope you will read and glean from it as much as I have. I have read it over 15 times and have listened to the tape and seen the video of this book numerous time. Enjoy!!!


http://www.livingwaters.com/helps/HellsBestKeptSecret.pdf

Bill

The theory of evolution of the Coca Cola can.

Billions of years ago, a big bang produced a large rock. As the rock cooled, sweet brown liquid formed on its surface. As time passed, aluminum formed itself into a can, a lid, and a tab. Millions of years later, red and white paint fell from the sky, and formed itself into the words "Coca Cola 12 fluid ounces."

Of course, my theory is an insult to your intellect, because you know that if the Coca Cola can is made, there must be a maker. If it is designed, there must be a designer. The alternative, that it happened by chance or accident, is to move into an intellectual free zone.

The banana -- the atheist's nightmare.

Note that the banana:

Is shaped for human hand
Has non-slip surface
Has outward indicators of inward content:
Green-too early,
Yellow-just right,
Black-too late.
Has a tab for removal of wrapper
Is perforated on wrapper
Bio-degradable wrapper
Is shaped for human mouth
Has a point at top for ease of entry
Is pleasing to taste buds
Is curved towards the face to make eating process easy

To say that the banana happened by accident is even more unintelligent than to say that no one designed the Coca Cola can.

TEST ONE
The person who thinks the Coca Cola can had no designer is:
___ A. Intelligent
___ B. A fool
___ C. Has an ulterior motive for denying the obvious

Did you know that the eye has 40,000,000 nerve endings, the focusing muscles move an estimated 100,000 times a day, and the retina contains 137,000,000 light sensitive cells?

Charles Darwin said,

"To suppose that the eye could have been formed by natural selection, seems I freely confess, absurd in the highest degree."

If man cannot begin to make a human eye, how could anyone in his right mind think that eyes formed by mere chance? In fact, man cannot make anything from nothing. We don't know how to do it. We can re-create, reform, develop . . . but we cannot create even one grain of sand from nothing. Yet, the eye is only a small part of the most sophisticated part of creation-the human body.

George Gallup, the famous statistician, said,

"I could prove God statistically; take the human body alone; the chance that all the functions of the individual would just happen, is a statistical monstrosity."

Albert Einstein said,

"Everyone who is seriously interested in the pursuit of science becomes convinced that a spirit is manifest in the laws of the universe—a spirit vastly superior to man, and one in the face of which our modest powers must feel humble."


TEST TWO
A. Do you know of any building that didn't have a builder?

___ YES ___ NO

B. Do you know of any painting that didn't have a painter?

___ YES ___ NO

C. Do you know of any car that didn't have a maker?

___ YES ___ NO
If you answered "YES" for any of the above, give details:
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________


Could I convince you that I dropped 50 oranges onto the ground and they by chance fell into ten rows of five oranges? The logical conclusion is that someone with an intelligent mind put them there. The odds that ten oranges would fall by accident into a straight line are mind-boggling, let alone ten rows of five.



TEST THREE
A. From the atom to the universe, is there order?

___ YES ___ NO

B. Did it happen by accident?

___ YES ___ NO

C. Or, must there have been an intelligent mind?

___ YES ___ NO

D. What are the chances of 50 oranges falling by chance
into ten rows of five oranges? ______________________
If you answered "YES" for any of the above, give details:
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________


The declaration "There is no God" is what is known as an absolute statement. For an absolute statement to be true, I must have absolute knowledge.

Here is another absolute statement: "There is no gold in China."

TEST FOUR
What do I need to have for that statement to be true?
A. No knowledge of China.

___ YES ___ NO

B. Partial knowledge of China.

___ YES ___ NO

C. Absolute knowledge of China.

___ YES ___ NO

"C" is the correct answer. For the statement to be true, I must know that there is no gold in China, or the statement is incorrect. To say "There is no God," and to be correct in the statement, I must be omniscient.

I must know how many hairs are upon every head, every thought of every human heart, every detail of history, every atom within every rock...nothing is hidden from my eyes...I know the intimate details of the secret love-life of the fleas on the back of the black cat of Napolean's great-grandmother. To make the absolute statement "There is no God." I must have absolute knowledge that there isn't one.

Let's say that a circle represents all the knowledge in the entire universe, and let's assume that you have an incredible 1% of all that knowledge. Is it possible, that in the knowledge you haven't yet come across, there is ample evidence to proved that God does indeed exist?

If you are reasonable, you will have to say, "Having the limited knowledge that I have at present, I believe that there is no God." In other words, you don't know if God exists, so you are not an "atheist," you are what is commonly known as an "agnostic." You are like a man who looks at a building, and doesn't know if there was a builder.

TEST FIVE
The man who sees a building and doesn't know if there was a builder is:
___ A. Intelligent
___ B. A fool
___ C. Has an ulterior motive for denying the obvious

Perhaps you have questions that hold you back from faith. First, almost every question you have about suffering humanity etc., can be adequately answered.

Second, we have faith in plenty of things we don't understand. Did you understand the mechanics of television before you turned it on? Probably not. You took a step of faith, turned it on, and after it worked, understanding how it worked wasn't that important. We accept that there are unseen television waves right in front of our eyes. We can't see them because they are invisible. For them to manifest, we need a receiver, then we can enjoy the experience of television.

God is not flesh and blood. He is an eternal Spirit-immortal and invisible. Like the television waves, He cannot be experienced until the "receiver" is switched on. Here is something you will find hard to believe: Jesus said, "He who has My commandments and keeps them, he it is who loves Me. And he who loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I will love him and manifest Myself to him" (John 14:21).

Either that is true or it isn't. Jesus Christ says that He will manifest Himself to anyone who obeys Him. Approach the subject the same way you approached your first television set. Just take a small step of faith. If it works, enjoy it, if it doesn't, forget it.

Or have you an ulterior motive? Could it be that the "atheist" can't find God, for the same reason a thief can't find a policeman? Could it be that your love for sin is clouding your good judgment? If the Bible is true, and Jesus Christ has "abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the Gospel," then you owe it to yourself just to check it out. Here is how to do that:

TEST SIX
With a tender conscience,
check this list of the Ten Commandments: Have I always loved God my Creator with all my heart, mind, soul and strength?
Have I made a god in my own image�a god to suit myself?
Have I ever used God's name in vain?
Have I kept the Sabbath holy?
Have I always honored my parents implicitly?
Have I murdered (God considers hatred as murder)?
Have I committed adultery (including premarital sex and lust)?
Have I stolen (the value is irrelevant)?
Have I lied (including fibs and these questions)?
Have I coveted (been greedy or materialistic)?

____YES ___NO

___ YES ___NO
___ YES ___NO
___ YES ___NO

___ YES ___NO

___ YES ___NO

___ YES ___NO
___ YES ___NO

___ YES ___NO

___ YES ___NO


If you have even broken one Law, then you have sinned against God and therefore will "surely die," for the "wages of sin is death."

We are all guilty of breaking the Commandments. Listen to the voice of your conscience, and let it remind you of some of the sins of the past. We are not perfect as we are commanded to be (Matthew 5:48), neither is our heart pure. On Judgment Day our transgressions will be evidence of our shame. Think of it: God has seen every sin we have ever committed. We share our thought-life with Him.

We are guilty of violating His Law a multitude of times, yet if we repent, God can forgive us because Jesus stepped into the courtroom 2.000 years ago and paid the fine for us.

His death on the cross satisfied the Law we so blatantly transgressed, and at the same time demonstrated how much God loves us—"For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." His shed blood on the cross can make you clean in the sight of a holy God...as though you have never sinned.

God doesn't want you to go to Hell. Please, forget your arguments, repent and put your trust in Jesus and be saved from God's wrath. Make Psalm 51 your prayer, then read your Bible daily and always obey what you read; God will never let you down. Thank you for taking the time to read this booklet.

Adapted from God Doesn't Believe in Atheists
by Ray Comfort (Living Waters)

Be real

“Guard jealously your relationship to God. Jesus prayed ‘that they may be one as we are one’—nothing between. Keep all the life perennially open to Jesus Christ, don’t pretend with Him. Are you drawing your life from any other source than God Himself? If you are depending upon anything but Him, you will never know when He is gone.”

Oswald Chambers

Update on Tobias

Update on Tobias:


So the other night as Jessica and I were doing as the doctor instructed and were inspecting Tobias, and as we were inspecting him we found Tobias testicle; both of them, at the same time. And then the next day the right one was gone again.....very interesting, and I am not quite sure what that means. So he will be seeing a specialist on the 29th and they will determine what the next step is.....

Update

There isn't much to report except for the fact that Tobias will be seeing the specialist on 6/29/06. I will update you as I find out more information.

Prayer Request

Hey all. My son Tobias may have to have another surgery…..here is what I learned today, (If he does have this surgery, this will be his 6th surgery and the poor guy is only 3 years old). This is what happened today at the doctors:


Basically Tobias is missing his right testicle. The Dr felt around for awhile in his scrotum, and up higher, right *under* his penis, to no avail. She felt around in his "hip" area (where a female's ovaries are) to no avail.

Dr G told Jessica that normally she can feel the testicle by the hip area, and she couldn't. So she is going to refer us to the specialist (urologist, I imagine), and if he felt it there, then he could possibly get it down without having to do surgery.

However she said that because she couldn't find it there, it *probably* is in the abdomen, which requires surgery, and cannot be put off, because if the testicle is in the abdomen it can cause cancer. Did you hear that? Cancer…..it can cause Tobias to have cancer.

So that's that. We should hear from the Dr's office within a week w/the approval & referral to the specialist. Please pray.


Bill

Journal 5/24/06

Very few Christians feel their disappointment with life deeply enough to fix their hope on what is yet to come. Even fewer face their sin so thoroughly that forgiveness becomes their most valued blessing. Most Christians vaguely sense that they long for so much more than what they experience on a daily basis, and they suppress a terror that no one could know them fully and still want to be their friend.

And the truth is that the deepest longing of our soul will never be satisfied on this side of heaven. Why are we so afraid of sadness? We should not fear being sad. When we face the sin that is rooted deep within our hearts; when we look at the hidden sin in our hearts it makes us see who we really are and sometimes we are undelightful. We should not fear brokenness. We should allow the pain of disappointed longings and the guilt of terrible sin to drive us to consider the gospel of God’s grace in a new and deeper way. Only then will the Lord enter into our broken hearts deeply and change us from the inside out, instilling in us a growing awareness of His relentless, unfailing love and sustaining hope for a new day.

Larry Crabb

One day I want to see this!

One day I want to be able to see the Northern lights. Aren't these pictures wonderful? I wish I took them, but I did not. I borrowed them from the web....

Journal 5/22/06

for whatever reason I have been in a place that lacks inspiration. Am I backslidden? I would have to say yes. Backsliding doesn't always mean that we walk away from the Lord wholeheartedly. Backsliding happens when we stand off a little and distance ourselves from the one who loves us. And I have stood at a distance. I have not been in communion with the One who loves me as much as I should if at all and it really does hinder my life. It hurts me as my heart (which is desperately wicked) begins to rule my thoughts and I begin to obey my heart. This leads me to live for myself and this causes me to treat myself like a king. And whenever that happens...I am miserable and so is everyone I know. Because I was not created to be a king. I was created to serve.

So once again, I have asked the Lord to have mercy on me and I have repented in my heart of hearts. I can only pray that this is something that I won’t go back and forth on. Every time God’s word doesn’t work for me, it is because I didn’t put my faith in it. I may know God’s word, but I don’t believe it & I haven’t acted upon it! Because it is like this, “Let God be true & every man a liar (Romans 3:4)!” Let my heart be a liar, because it is! Because God is true. When my feelings are telling me that it doesn’t work, I can know this, they are lying to me. My feelings lie to me.

Man lies, you lie, my feelings lie, but God is true! God’s word is faithful, & it has effect. It will affect my life in a really big way, if I will allow it to. It will totally enhance & change me, but I need to draw near to God, & God will then, draw near to me.


Father,
You know my heart that I am desperately wicked. Please forgive me for being such a selfish prideful man. Please change me from the inside out and use me for your glory. I need you Lord and I am an utter mess without you. Please look over my sins Lord and have pity on a man like me. I need your grace and I need you. Please pour out your Spirit upon me and cause me to indulge in your presence like never before. Please satisfy the longings of my heart as they lie to me. Please take the blinders off my eyes so I can see when my heart is deceiving me. And when it is, please replace those longings with something that is pure, noble, and in line with what you have me here for. Help me to be a good and faithful servant; for I have not been good nor faithful. Please wipe my slate clean and cleanse me from the inside out.

In Jesus name I pray...Amen

More two cents.....lol

I love the book of Ephesians. Did you know that in chapter one that verses three through fourteen in the Greek language is one sentence? In the English it's more than one sentence; but not in the Greek. I bet you didn't know that did you? I know I didn't...lol.

The cool thing about this sentence in Ephesians is that it is a perfect sentence to see the work of the trinity.

Here is the breakdown:

Ephesians 1:3-6 talks about how God the Father planned our salvation and it ends with the words, “to the praise of His glory” (Referring to God the Father).

Ephesians 1:7-12 talks about how God the Son paid for our salvation and it ends with the words, “to the praise of His glory” (Referring to God the Son).

Ephesians 1:13-14 talks about how God the Spirit sealed our salvation and it ends with the words, “to the praise of His glory" (Referring to God the Spirit).

Did you notice how in this sentence the whole work of salvation is His work, look at how many times the word, His, Him, He is in that verse?

Just some thoughts to ponder in hopes to stir you up a bit.

How did they die?

How did they die?

Most people say that the Bible is made up; that the 12 Apostles created a fairy tale that we Christians cling to. But what the critics forget is that all 12 of the apostles were murdered (With the exception of John who they tried to kill and finally left him to rot on an island) for what they claimed in regards to the Bible. Now I don’t know about you, but I sure would not choose to die of Dr. Seuss or any other fairy tale, but if the claims of the Bible are true, then that is something worth dying for.

When given the opportunity to deny God’s word written in the Bible or to die all 12 Apostle chose death. This is how they died:

Andrew – Crucified, Achaia AD 70.
Barnabas – Burned to death, Cyprus AD 64
James (the Less) – Clubbed to death, Jerusalem AD 63
John – Was burn alive in boiling oil and lived; then abandoned on the Island of Patmos AD63
Luke – Hanged, Greece AD 93
Mark – Dragged to death, Alexandria AD 64
Matthew – Beheaded, Ethiopia AD 70
Paul – Beheaded in Rome AD 69
Peter – watched his wife die via crucifixion and then was crucified upside down in Rome AD 69
Phillip – Stoned to death, Phrygia AD 54
Thomas – Speared to death, Calamino AD 70

All of these guys were given a choice, deny what you claim or die. And everyone of them chose to die for what they claimed. Think about this; reason with me, use logic; who in their right mind would die for a fairy tale? I wouldn’t and these guys would not either. They chose to deny the fairytales of their day and they paid the price for it; death.

So when someone tells you that this the bible is a made up fairy tale, ask them if that is so, then why did these and millions of others throughout the centuries choose to die rather than deny the claims found in Gods word.

Again, just my two cents for today.

Thoughts to ponder

The phrase, "The just shall live by faith", is quoted three times in the New Testament.

Romans 1:17, Galatians 3:11, & in Hebrews 10:38. One of the many reasons people believe that Paul wrote the book of Hebrews is because of this quote. Paul most likely writes all three of these books, but he takes two words from this verse, (The just shall live by faith) in Habakkuk 2:4, he builds his whole teaching on this verse. It takes Paul three entire books to explain this one verse and this is the break down.

The book of Romans teaches us how we can be justified. The book of Galatians teaches us how we ought to live. And the Book of Hebrews teaches us that what faith is. So this is the break down of all three books combined:

Roman = The Just
Galatians = Shall Live
Hebrews = By Faith

Three entire books explaining six little words. Pretty cool isn't it?

Journal 4/13/06

Why do I run in circles in my Christian life? Why do I fall for the same temptations over and over again and never realize that everything is empty and futile unless it’s filled with the presence of God? I am tired of falling. The only falling that I desire to do is to fall on my knees so I can walk on my feet again. I am tired of going for the love that comes and goes instead of going to the One who loves me forever. I am tired of placing my trust in man or in this world or if I am true to the real issue at hand; I am tired of giving into the deception and wickedness of my heart. I am tired of listening to the vile nature of my heart of hearts.

Father, I have struggled walking with you this last month. As a matter of fact, I haven’t walked with you at all. I have not spent time with you; I have not sought after you. I have just done my own thing and for that I apologize and ask for your forgiveness. I repent yet again my Lord. I did get to read your word today and I was blessed as I studied Romans this morning. It was refreshing to hear from your word and to reaffirm that you love me. It was nice to hear that your grace is there for me and without your grace I am a man of desperation. Without your grace I am to be pitied as the poorest of all souls. Yet with your grace, I can lift my head high and I can soar in the heavens as your grace picks me up and makes me fly. Thank you for grace Jesus.

And its not even your grace I seek. I do not seek the grace of God as much as I seek the God of Grace. And you love me and have showered your grace upon me, I am thankful and I worship you for your mercy and love towards a man like me. I praise your name most Holy Father and I pray that from here on out I would seek you for the rest of my life.

Enoch has been in my mind Lord; and because he lived in the pre-flooded world and because the world was different then than it is today, he lived a long time. But what I read in Genesis 5 is that Enoch walked with God for three hundred years. What? Three hundred years? I struggle walking with you for a month and he did it for three hundred years? How? I am sure it was based upon your Grace. Please help me to walk with you for all the days of my life. I need you now more than ever. On the merits of Jesus alone is the basis that I come to you and petition you my Holy Father. On his finished work I place my trust in and because of it; you have given a man like me access into your throne room so that I may bring these petitions to you. So here I am….please hear my cry.

Bill

Pictures

So here are some pictures of me over the course of my life so far....pretty interesting eh? the last picture is the most recent.

Poem - Author unknown

I was shocked, confused, bewildered
as I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights, nor its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven
who made me sputter and gasp--
the thieves, the liars, the sinners,
the alcoholics, and the trash...

There stood that kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
Who never said anything nice.

Herb, who I always thought,
would be rotting away in hell,
was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, "What's the deal?
I'd love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?"
God must've made a mistake.

"And why's everyone so quiet,
so somber? Please, give me a clue."
"Hush, child," said He, "they're all in shock;
No one thought they'd be seeing you."

Judge NOT.

Author Unknown

Gotta love them

Here are a few pictures taken recently. I love my family; they are awesome.

My Testimony

I met Jesus when I was 17 years old. This is how it happened. My cousin asked me if I would like to go to camp for a week. I said sure, but how much is it? He told me that it was about $250.00. I told him, that I didn't have that kind of money. So he offered to pay for me. But as the time grew closer to going, I didn't want to go. So I tried what any other 17-year-old person would do, I tried to convince my brother to go. My mom told me that I had to go, because my cousin had already paid my way. So I went.

I don't remember much about the week at camp, but I do remember one night. I remember it very well. It was Wednesday, August 20th, 1991. We had church that night just like every other night. But this time the service was about the end times. It started out with music. The worship team played a song called "Billy waited too long". It was about a guy named Billy who rejected God & died, he waited to long. Well, the fact that my name is Billy, lets just say that it got my attention. Well, the speaker then spoke about the end times. He would read from the bible & then read the fulfillment of the prophecy from newspapers, from Time magazine, etc.

It got my attention. As he was sharing, a bat flew in the building. The speaker stopped & said that this was Satan trying to distract us, so he prayed. My cousin said that the previous year the power went out & they had to wait in the dark for a few minutes before the generators turned on. Well...the speaker then said, "If you are a believer, then I want you to leave the building quietly. If you would like to ask Jesus to be your Lord & Savior, then stay where you are. If you want to rededicate your life to Him, then you stay too" (That was totally the Lord, because I would have never gone forward).

So everyone left, except for the counselors & those who wanted to be saved. So I stayed. Well, my counselor told me that we needed to pray. I said, cool. Then he said do you want to go first? I told him that I did not want to pray out loud, I didn't know how to pray & I didn't want to make a fool of myself. So he said that he would lead me in a prayer & that I should follow him in it. So I did.

When we finished praying I went back to the cabin. Mind you, the whole week, someone was always in there. But this night it was empty. So I got on the top bunk bed. I started asking God, Why would you want me? I cuss, I party, I sleep with my girlfriend & I smoke, why would you want me? I had my cousin’s bible that he gave to me; it was all marked up & had papers in it. I had to go to the bathroom, so I did. I also prayed Lord, please don’t let anyone come in here & see me when I'm emotional. As I was getting back on my bed, I asked God again, why would you want me?

Just then a paper fell out of the bible. It read, "I love you very, very, very, very, very much", that was it for me, I was crying & I told God, "I believe you. I give you my life". I was totally amazed that God would answer my question literally and personally. It totally blew me away. And that’s how I met Jesus.

Do you know what is cool, God answered my little prayer too, and no one came into the cabin until after I was done weeping. So now when people ask me how did I find God? I tell them, I didn't. I tell then that God was never lost, I was lost. I didn't find God, He found me. And that is the day that my journey started with the Lord and it has been an incredible ride since.

Suffering

I am not sure if I have ever posted this or not, if I have, I apologize for a duplicate entry. This is a song that the Lord gave me a while back as I struggled with suffering and almost losing my wonderful son.

Suffering

Am I all alone in this place?
For I have looked; yes I have sought You, I have sought Your face.
I look within; and I bow in shame,
For once again my actions have denied Your sacred name.

In this dark storm I am tossed around.
As the waves hit me, I panic as I begin to cry out.
Lord I need You, I’m in agony!
My life is lost, as I cry and as I start to weep.

The Lord says to me; "Son, take my hand.
Don’t look down at the ground son, don’t look down at the sinking sand.
I will rescue you, I will not leave.
All you need to do is hold onto Me in all your suffering.
Hold onto Me in all your suffering
Hold onto Me for I will never leave".

Busy Busy Busy

It has been a busy couple of weeks for me. And in the end I have accomplished nothing....lol. Sorry i have not been on much lately. I will hopefully have more time in the near future.

Bill

Go into all the world!

There’s a verse in Matthew twenty-eight
Spoken by the Lord; and it carries weight
In this chapter; in verse nineteen
The Lord Jesus sets up the scene

Go therefore and make disciples
Is his command; it is not a typo
Go into the world; go to all the nations
Preach my words to the populations

Baptize them so they can be restored
Do all this in the name of the Lord
For the Father, Son and Spirit too
Have commanded you to preach the good news

Teach them to observe all things
This command goes out from the King of kings
And I will be with you always
Even to the end of the age

Preach the gospel; don’t hesitate
Preach the Word before it’s too late
One hundred and fifty thousand will die
Before you go to sleep each night

So preach the gospel like a preacher
Teach my words to every creature
Run this race; share what God has done
Teach the nations about God’s Son!

Written by Bill Scott, Sr.

Before and After

In this black and white picture, I am the kid with the curly hair with my step dad.



















And the color picture is my son. Do we look alike or what?

When All Else Fails

When times are tough and things get out of hand
When you are scared to death and no longer can stand
When things get chaotic and fear grips your soul
When you feel you are lost and cannot be consoled

When your vision is blurred and you no longer can see
Because of the tears swelling inside as you weep
When all is against you and you cannot go on
And you feel you will die as you feel all is gone

Do not cast away all the things that you know
Don't think God's not there; that He's left you alone
We know God is for us; His word tells us so
He will not forsake us; no matter where we go

Our feelings will tell us that God hates our guts
But if we listen to feelings, they will drive us all nuts
For our feelings are contrary to the truth in God's word
Our feelings will lie and will twist what's occurred

Let God be true and every man a liar
Is a scripture to cling to; when we are in the fire
Our feelings deceive us; they shift just like sand
But Gods word is eternal; on it we can stand

So please be encouraged as you go through this storm
Your life is what the Lord wants to use and transform
Don't throw in the towel though you weep and you wail
For God is still with you; even when all else fails!

Written by Bill Scott, Sr.

Stand Tall

What can I say to these things if God is for me who can be against me?

I really love that scripture. I love it because so many times in my life it feels like God is against me and I feel like the world is against me. And if that were the case I would grow weary. But the truth is that God is for me and because He is for me, seriously, who is able to stand against me? They are standing against the Lord when they stand against me. I love that I have a father who actively cares for me. I love the fact that my father in heaven loves me so much so that he is willing to stand up and defend and protect me. We really are blessed to have our Creator who knows our “ins” and our “outs” to stand on our behalf. We are blessed that we have a father in heaven who actively pursues us. He has done it all. He saw that we stood condemned in our sin and then he planned a way to deliver us. He then paid the way for our salvation and sealed it in his own blood. Who can stand against us when we were bought at such a high price? The answer is; no one.

Get the mud out of your eyes!

So I read the story of how Jesus healed the blind man by putting mud in the guys’ eyes to my two boys the other night. It's the story where Jesus tells the blind man to go and wash his eyes and as the man does he is able to see. As I was reading it to him I was getting into the character and I read, "Go wash the mud out of your eyes" in my lowest most powerful voice. Well something about this clicked in Billy's head because he keeps on saying in his low non-adult voice…. “Get the mud out of your eyes!” It is so funny. I get a call while I am at work and I answer, “Hello”, and then I hear….”Get the mud out of your eyes” I start laughing as it is so funny.

I love these little things. They really are a joy to me.

Update 3/3/06

It has been a very long week. With my whole family being sick and all, let’s just say that it has been exhausting. We took my middle son Tobias to the emergency room last night because he was so lethargic. After hours and hours of waiting we find out that he was dehydrated and that he has pneumonia; poor guy. So they gave him an I.V. and some meds and sent him home at 2am. Please pray that the Lord would show mercy upon my poor child and heal him.

Father,

Thank you for my wonderfuly children. They are such an incredible blessing and I am humbled that you have given them over to me to care for. Lord, help me to be a nurturing father. Help me to teach my kids your ways and to help them grow in knowledge of your great and tender mercies. Thank you Jesus; please heal my family of this sickness and help us to get back on track with the day to day things in life.

Update

Just a quick note that my family and I have been really sick for the last 5 days……that’s why you haven’t seen us online. Please pray that we begin to feel better soon. I missed two days of work and went back today as I am feeling a bit better but my wife is really sick and we will be going to the doctor tonight for her.

A Father's Heart

Yesterday I had a glimpse into my heavenly Fathers heart. I will do my best to articulate what I believe by faith he was showing me.

As most of you know; I have a 13 year old son who lives in another state. To make a long story short, his mom moved away and never told me where she took my son. So for 10 years I passionately sought after my son in hope of locating him and being a Father to him. And after 10 years I finally found him and after going to court I got him into my life.

I have tried to balance and build a relationship with my son but his mom and his grand parents have brained washed him so badly against me that no matter what I do; in his eyes I am evil and am only trying to destroy his life. That is so far from the truth. All I desire is to have a relationship with him. All I want is to have fellowship with my son; yet he wants nothing to do with me. His deception hurts me as I truly believe that if he knew me and my heart that he would not despise me but desire to fellowship with me. But he is deceived.

I have never been mean to him, rude; or anything. All I have done is love him. My heart is broken as he refuses to have anything to do with me. I am utterly crushed to dust as I weep over the hardness of his deceived heart. He really thinks that I ruined his life when his whole life I have done nothing but love him from the depths of my soul.

So I called him yesterday. And after being on hold for eternity; he finally answered the phone. I was like, “Hi son, this is Bill your dad, how are you?” He answered, “Don’t ever call me again. Don’t contact my mom or me ever. You are ruining my life and I don’t want anything to do with you!” As I said, “But…how am I ruining your life? I never get to talk to you and I haven’t done anything.” He simply said, “Stay out of my life!” as he hung up on me.

Well, I was devastated, thrashed and completely broken. My own child wants nothing to do with his father because in his eyes I am evil. He has been told by his mom and grandparents that I am evil and no matter what I do that is how he perceives me.

Is this the end of the story? No. I am still crushed and hurt and being vulnerable like this really sucks at times but this is not the end of the story.

As I was thinking about this and as I was contemplating this I saw a picture of what God did for us. The scenario is similar. He desires fellowship with us and no matter what He does; we see Him as evil and mean and we wanted nothing to do with Him. And because we will not hear Him he sent us his son to plead His case for Him. He sent Jesus to represent who he was so that we could see that God really is good and not evil. Jesus came to represent the Father.

And I think this is what is going to happen in my case. I think that in time when my other three kids are older that the Lord will send one of them to my 13 year old. And I believe by faith that when that happens that a relationship will be restored and established with my 13 year old. I believe that this will happen years from now when he is an adult, but I can see in a sense how the Lord is showing me by experience in a small way just what He as a Father feels. The Father has been rejected by mankind and he weeps over the nations of the earth. So He sent His son into the world so that the world could get a taste of how good God is. And I believe that I will one day be able to send my younger son or my daughter to my oldest so that my younger kids can represent me to him.

My hope is that as Jesus represents who the Father is; my hope is that my other kids will have the opportunity one day to do the same and I hope that I will be able to send them to my son Ronnie one day so that the air can be cleared. Time will tell of course but that is what I feel that God is showing me. In the mean time, I will have an incredible opportunity to experience on a smaller scale how the Father feels. And it hurts. I hurt….God hurts when (Ezekiel 18:32) people reject Him. He doesn’t take pleasure in the death of those who despise him. He mourns over them as I mourn over my son who despises me.

I have prayed a million times for God to show me his heart, and as he now does this I can see that he weeps over those who despise and reject Him. So even though it hurts me to feel this agonizing pain of rejection; I am so glad that the Lord is showing me this side of Him. Because this is real and He truly does weep over the hearts of man. And now I know (on a smaller scale) what that feels like.

Father,

Use me for your glory. I desire to be empowered by you and I want to also represent you to the world who despises your name. I have nothing to offer you but my broken life; but I do offer you that. Please use me. I want to experience the joy of showing the world that you are not evil, you are good and you love those who despise you. Please help me to bring others to Jesus so that He can bring them to you. In Jesus name I ask for this….Amen.

Go Ye therefore into all the nations....

The Lord has really been giving me a burden for the nations lately. I have a hunger to go to Mexico, Uganda, Sudan, England, Belize, and Turkey so that we can bring the gospel of peace to these people who have never heard it before. I have a desire to disciple and pour myself into the people here in Oregon and to watch as the Lord breaks our hearts and raises up some of us to go to these nations. By Gods grace I will be going to these places in the next few years. Most of my close friends are missionaries and pastors now. All of my intimate friends have been called to other places including myself as the Lord called me to Oregon. I believe that we have such an incredible opportunity in this time and age to bring the good news to our generation. What an incredible responsibility we have as the body of Christ. And as I sit back and see what the Lord has done; it so cool to see that all of my friends have been placed in strategic places around the world now so that by God's grace some of us here in Oregon can go to these places and minister alongside my friends in Christ as we invest in the things of eternity.

I have been currently talking with a friend of mine who is a pastor in Mexico as we are planning a trip for mid July. I am hoping that the Lord will orchestrate the events so that we can meet up with him as we go down to Mexico. I miss him and would love to see him and come alongside him to help in the work that the Lord is doing there.

And even this morning I was speaking with my best friend in California who is planning a trip for this April to go to Africa and England. He will be visiting the new churches that my friends have started in these countries to encourage them and to assist in whatever work is needed. When he gets back he and I will (By Gods grace; if He is willing) plan a trip where I can come along side him and another friend and revisit these places. And after that, (Lord willing) I will be able to bring others from my church up here in Oregon to come along side of us to labor for the gospels sake. So I am really excited and stirred up at the moment.

Please pray that these opportunities would pan out and that the Lord would use me in this fashion. We have been given such a generous gospel and I am not able to sit down and do nothing with it. I am compelled to spend my life for the One who spent everything on my behalf. So please pray that the Lord would guide and provide for what lies ahead on the horizon and that he would choose to use me as a tool in his hands.

My hearts cry

Father,
I want to be a part of something bigger than me; bigger than life; bigger than what this world has to offer. I desire to be used and I miss the passion that I experienced at CCSG. My life was transformed there and I miss how my former church as a whole lived out their faith. It wasn’t a part time thing; it was a daily life changing thing. And it’s not that CCP is bad, because it isn’t. It is just different here and I haven’t found my place in the body yet. The work was done so easily in California and here it is so hard to initiate ministry. I miss home fellowships Lord. I miss the afterglows and how you would speak into our lives so freely and frequently. I miss how all my friends would just go as you called them to the nations. I miss how contagious it was to be around so many young people who were sold out 100% for you. Send me Lord to the nations; I want to go desperately.

Will you PLEASE do a work like that again? Would you please use me Jesus? Please bring the city of Portland into a passionate relationship with you. Please bring revival to this city. God, please bring laborers who share a common passion for you into this city and use them for your glory. I am not saying that people of CCP don’t love you. I can see that they do, they really love you; but take us deeper Lord. I have seen and experienced what it is like to go deeper and I long for that again. I need to go deeper with you and I pray that you would place that thirst and hunger inside all of us here in Portland.

I really miss the fellowship and fruitfulness of home fellowships. I wish that you would start a new work like this Lord. I miss how your word was so passionately pursued and sought after. I miss my friends so much Lord and I miss being a part of your work in the capacity in which I was involved. I want to be in the field in the same way that my friends are. I want to be a shining light and I pray that I would have some solid focused friends to support me in this passion and vision of carrying your word to the nations of the earth. I hunger to be used for your glory. Please use me Jesus. Cause others to catch the vision that you have and please do a mighty revival. I don’t know how to express what I feel or how to cause others to be as passionate for you as I have seen in my past. All I know is that I want your name to be magnified and lifted up in the hearts of the people of this city like never before. I beg you to do a mighty work here. Please show me what my role is and empower me to fulfill that role with grace and passion. PLEASE SAVE OUR CITY LORD! Please pour out your abundant mercy and compassion and cause others to fall radically in love with you. I need you to do this. Use me lest I die! Take the city of Portland for your glory lest I die! I have to see you move again Lord. I need to see your Spirit move and give life again. I know that is your heart. You love people and this is what you desire. Please use me…I am here and want to be used.

Bill

On a lighter note...

The Lord is so wonderful. His grace is so abounding and it amazes me at how much he cares for people. The Lord weeps over the nations of the earth and desires that all nations would come to Him. I pray that I would be a man who stands in the gap and pleads for God's grace to pour over the nations.

Father,

Please heal the nations. Bring the people of every tribe and tongue into the saving knowledge of your grace and please do a mighty work among the peoples of the earth. I pray that you would raise up laborers who have vision and that you would fulfill your vision through these laborers. Lord, I want to be one of these laborers; will you use me? Please give me a vision and give the men and women in the body of Christ your vision for the nations. Please lead us and guide us as we step out in faith and please save the nations of the earth Lord.

In Jesus name I ask for these things...Amen.

Missions

My heart is burning for missions. And it is so funny because I really am a missionary even though no one sees me that way. I took my family; my wife and three kids and moved them 1000 miles away because I had a vision from the Lord and felt led by the Lord to be used for his glory in Oregon. So here I am desiring to serve full time and to be spent for his kingdom. I am ready to serve.....I cannot and will not sit in a pew. I can't be that person. I desire to teach the word of God and to bring others into the presence of God. But where do I start? Who do I go to where I can partner alongside them and simply do my part in expanding the gosepl without all the politics? I simply want to serve in prayer, worship and teaching systematically through the Word of God....will someone let me....

Questions...

So I have recently been instructed by alot of people that I know and respect that I should not write as I do on my blogs. I have been advised that my struggles should stay personal and that I need to be a tad bit pickier with what I share in my blog-journal. I have a question. If the purpose of my blog is to be real with my struggles and is a sort of journal in hope that new believers will see that its ok and normal to struggle as a Christian and that the Lord works through our struggles so that He will receive all the glory; then what is it that I am sharing that is wrong?

Has anyone read Psalms? The book of Psalm can be brutally honest at times. King David laid it all out before the Lord and people in every culture and every language are still reading about his struggles today. The man had issues and he wrote them down. What about Hezekiah? Jacob? Solomon? They poured out their souls in writing and the Lord used what they shared to let others see that emotions are real; that struggles are real and that he cares about what they are going through. So now I am left here with the question? What should I do?

This has been a very difficult week for me. I feel like I am on trial even though I believe that none of this is malicious from the people that I know, I just feel like no matter what I do that it isn’t going to satisfy. I feel like I am walking on egg shells.

If I blog, then I have upset some, if I don't then I upset others. If I lead worship it upsets some and if I don’t it upsets others. If I pour my heart out and try to use the gifts that God has given me, it upsets some, if I don't it upsets others. What a mess. All I can do is try and live my life before the Lord and if I upset some, then I upset them....I don't do it intentionally; but I have come to conclusion that what blesses one person upsets another and so I have to do what I feel the Lord desires for me to do.

Maybe my blogging is too personal....but that is who I am and that is who I believe I need to be. I cannot put up a front, after going through all that I did with my son Tobias and his multiple near death experiences I can't be anything other than personal and real. After seeing how fragile life is; I cannot candy coat my struggles anymore. I struggle at times and I know that others do too. I do have hope though and I know it. But that doesn't change the fact that I have issues.

And maybe for some people when I lead worship that it lacks in "worship" but that doesn’t change the fact that I pour all of my heart into it and I am truly worshipping the Lord from every fiber of my soul. I thought worship was an issue of the heart and if my heart is in the wrong place; please let me know. If my worship lacks in worship, then please instruct me and point me in the right direction. I want to bring others to Jesus; I live to bring others into the presence of God; that is where my heart is. I desire to honor the Lord and if I am doing something wrong then show me what it is. If what you say is valid, then trust me I will heed your instruction. If it isn't then I will take that to the Lord. I remember reading about King David’s wife and how she despised David because he was worshipping the Lord in his underwear as he danced in the streets. From her perspective, he was the king and a king ought not to do that. She concluded that he was a fool and was not worshipping. But the Lord was blessed by David because he worshipped with his whole heart.

Like I said, this has been a rough week. And I may totally be deceived. I know that with deception we tend to think we are ok when in fact we are not; we are deceived. And if I am deceived in these areas of my life, I am more than willing to give this to the Lord. But I need to be told point blank if that is the case. Because I don't think I am deceived though I am not ruling this out. So if I am tell me.

Father,
Please show me where I am in error. I desire to repent and want to grow in these hard times that I am having. At the end of the day, none of this stuff matters. A thousand years from now; no one will care whether or not I wrote on a blog or played guitar on a Thursday night. What will matter is where my heart is. Is my heart aligned with yours? Please show me Father. If I am in sin, please reveal that to me; I long to repent. I want to be in perfect communion with you so I ask that you would help me in this area of my life. Please forgive me for taking you for granted and help me to walk rightly in your sight. I look forward to hearing from you as I know you will lead me and show me where I err. I will repent Lord; please show me what I need to repent of.

In Jesus name I pray.....Amen

Explanation

Thanks everyone for your prayers and concerns. I am not depressed. I don't live in this place of depression for long periods of time. What happens is I start to think about where my heart has been and where it should be and then I write about it. This is just a poem of what I was feeling at that moment when I wrote it. Trust me, things are well on this end. I am really grateful that you all care. Thanks.

One of the reasons I write the way that I do is so that others can see that we Christians are real flesh and blood. I want them to know that we don't have it all together but we do have hope; even when we don't feel like we do. I want people who come to know the Lord to know that just because you are saved doesn't mean that you have things all together. Because I find that when a new believer believes that; when they believe Christians should have it all together, and then they discover that they are still struggling and don't have it all together, then they start to think that the Lord has abandoned them when in fact what they are going through is common; we all go through it. That is one of the reasons why I write as I do.

So thank you very much, I am blessed that you all care as much as you do.

Hopeless

Where can I go where I won’t feel this way?
Can I run from myself when I become my own prey?
All that I am and all I will one day become
Means nothing at all when I feel like lost scum

My heart it condemns me and I don’t even care why
I live out my life though I would rather die
And these emotions are ruthless as they pour over me
I’m bound by my feelings as I drown here at sea

The sun scorches my flesh as I drift and I rot
I live out this life as I cope with my lot
And I am overwhelmed for no reason at all
I’m bound to my feelings like a chain on a ball

I feel weathered and naked as I shamefully drift
The currents of despair come upon me in shifts
So I lay here all wounded as I weep and I wail
I fight my emotions yet I do not prevail

Where can I run when I'm running from me?
For wherever I go, that is where I will be
I know I can't flee from this hell that I'm in
I can't flee from myself as I'm trapped in my skin

So I drift on in horror in my own raging sea
My emotions consume me and I simply can't flee
Though I know my God love me; I still must confess
I still live as though; I am completely hopeless.

Desperation

I am desperate. My heart; my soul, all that I am within suffers from the darkness that consumes the core of my being. I am lost. I am a white washed tomb who appears clean on the outside yet I am full of dead mans bones. I have abandoned the One who abandoned all for my sake and I have suffered the consequences of a lost fellowship. The fellowship of the King. I desire to be united with my Master. I am desperate.

I search now in the vomit of my darkness in hopes that I will one day see a glimpse of my heavenly Father. I am alone. I have chose to play the fool and I am alone. I am lost. I am desperate.

Consumed in fear and shame I have no clue where to place my next step. I understand that the Lord is a light unto my path, yet I feel as if the path that he lights up is too far away. I am a lost sheep. I have tangled myself in the thorns of this world and I am trapped. I am unable to break away from the chains that hold me down. I cry out; I am desperate.

God have mercy on me. I can bring you nothing as I am in chains. I can offer no reward as I am bankrupt of righteousness yet I cry out for the Son of David to have mercy upon me. Please pity me Lord and have compassion upon a wretch like me. I am overwhelmed and totally desire to live in absolute righteousness yet I have no power whatsoever to follow through with this desire.

I need the power of your Spirit, Jesus. I need you to empower me and sanctify my heart once and for all. I am so tired of playing a game and yet that is all that I seem to do these days. I play Christianese so well that I even fool myself at times. I want more; please I beg you Jesus, Let me get past my flesh once and for all. Let me have finality and allow me the chance to walk victoriously before you. I am weak, I am desperate. And I need your help. Please help me Jesus.

You word in Romans six tells me over and over again that I have already been delivered from my sins. I have already been empowered to walk in a manner that is worthy of a person who carries your name. And yet I find over and over again a pattern of rebellion in my life. I don't want to rebel; I want to surrender. I don't want to war against my King like a disobedient child; I want to obey like a good soldier. I am desperate. I cannot have a foot in both worlds. I cannot serve the King of Kings and the king of darkness yet I find that I am constantly doing both. What a double minded wretch I have become. Please forgive me and help me to wholeheartedly surrender and submit to You Father through the merits of Jesus. Help me to be a tool that is clean and useful for the master. I want to be used as a vessel of honor in your kingdom and not a vessel of shame. I want to serve as a good example of grace and not a bad example of rebellion.

Because the truth is that when the day of judgment comes, all my secret sins will be laid out and I will be required to give you an account for my actions. And all I can say now in light of that, is please have mercy on me; I am desperate.

As you cleansed the leper, the blind man, the lame man, and even Saul the murderer; please cleanse me. I know that it's all or nothing and I want to finally be a person who gives my all to you only. Will you please get me into that place Jesus? Please??? I am desperate.

A heart gone bad

I feel as if my heart has gone bad. It constantly devises wicked plans and it is always trying to persuade me to obey its desires. And for the longest time (pretty much my entire life) I have tried to follow my heart; not realizing that as I do follow my heart; it leads me to pretty bad places; dark places. And according to the Master, where my treasure is there my heart will be also. And with that said, I need to force my heart to follow me, not the other way around. I need to beat my heart into submission to follow me as I in turn follow Jesus. This will be a difficult task and only by God's grace will I be able to pursue the One who pursued me with all of his heart.

Bummed

I am bummin a bit today. If you get a moment, please pray.

Journal 1/26/06

For where sin abounds grace abounds much more – Romans 5:20
What shall I say then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? Certainly not! – Romans 6:1

These words haunt me. How can I as a believer live in such darkness even after I know the truth of God? So often I find myself living in deception. I think I am ok, but the truth is that I am deceived, I am NOT ok. And it only takes a moment for me to listen to my heart instead of the Lord and the next thing I know; I am way out in left field. My heart is desperately wicked, it really is and I need help.

Father,

Once again I have strayed from you and your word. I am coming back to you right now as I feel so convicted of my wickedness. Please forgive me for listening to and engaging my heart in lies. Your word is truth and without you and your word I am a hopeless man. Lord, I wish I would be more consistent in living righteously before you. But as I inventory my heart and my life, I find that the only thing I am consistent in is living unrighteously. I do what I want when I want the way I want and its simply rebellion against you my Lord. Please forgive me. Please heal my heart, I am a mess; an utter mess. I need you to give me a new heart and I ask that your grace truly would abound. Please have mercy on me Jesus. I am so sorry for straying once again and I need your forgiveness and mercy. I want to be consistent and yet I cannot unless you do the work inside of me. So please fulfill your promise to me. You promised in 1 Thessalonians 1:23, “Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you completely; and may your whole spirit, soul, and body be preserved blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.”

Please finish the work you started in my heart and cleanse me completely. Please completely cleanse my whole spirit, completely cleanse my whole soul and completely cleanse my whole body. I ask these things on the Merit of Jesus alone....

The Rush - by Ray Comfort

The Rush - written by Ray Comfort

You’ve always wanted to skydive, but the thought scared you too much to try it. That is, until you met someone who had made over 100 jumps. He talked you into it by explaining how safe it was. His enthusiasm was contagious. He spoke of the freedom of falling through the air…the adrenaline rush…the unspeakable exhilaration.

Now you are standing on the edge of the plane, looking down upon the earth far, far below. Everything had been checked. Double checked. This was safer than driving on the freeway. That helped deal with the fear. Modern parachutes are state-of-the-art. Besides, there is a back-up’ chute. Still, your heart is beating with apprehension.

Suddenly, you jump! You have trained so much for this moment, you instinctively spread your hand and your legs. The speed is unbelievable. The power of the air forcing itself against your body is incredible. It’s like a dream. You are defying the law of gravity, racing through the air at more than 120 M.P.H.!

The earth is looming closer. All normal sense of time lost. Speed, thrust of air, unspeakable joy. You glance at the altimeter on your wrist. Only another ten seconds and you will pull the cord and feel the jolt of the parachute opening. All that you had been told was true. The adrenaline rush is like nothing you have experienced. If it could only last a little longer. Reluctantly, you pull the cord. It opens, but there is no jolt!

You tilt your head back to see a sight that horrifies you. The parachute has twisted and is trailing like a flapping streamer. Your heart races with fear, and pounds in your chest. Your eyes bulge in terror. Your chest heaves as you gasp for air. You try to keep a clear mind and remember your training…pull the second cord. Nothing happens! You pull again. Again! Harder. Harder! Nothing. Your body lets out a scream, a groan of panic. Your heart is pounding even harder. Faster. Sweat breaks through your skin. A thousand thoughts speed through your mind. Your family! Your fate!…Safer than driving on the freeway! You whisper, “What a fool I was…to think that I could defy the law of gravity.” Now the merciless law waits for the moment of impact. The ground accelerates towards you. No words can describe the terror gripping your mind. A voice is speaking to you. It is the voice of good sense. It is the voice you ignored often: “You have played the fool. You have given up your life…your most precious possession for a cheap thrill. You have exchanged your loved ones for a rush of adrenaline. What a fool…what a fool!”

One word stands alone to describe how you feel about what you have done. One word screams within the corridors of your terrified mind as the earth races towards you…as death readies to embrace you. One word. A word that you have never understood fully until this moment in time. That terrible word is “Remorse!”

The world, the flesh, and the devil whisper to you about how pleasurable sin is. God isn’t angry at sin. God is love. It is safe to jump into the arms of iniquity and abandon yourself to a free fall through its fast domain.

You go where angels fear to tread. But it is worth it. The rush is everything sin promised. You drink in iniquity like water. You love the darkness. Conscience speaks again and again, but you ignored it’s warning. You are defying the Moral Law, and loving every minute.

Now, you stand before the Judge on Judgement Day. You pull your first line by telling God what a good person you are. Nothing happens. The Moral Law rushes at you. In panic, you pull the second line and tell God that you believed in Him. Again, nothing happens. It is no use. Your mouth is stopped. The Moral Law accelerates towards you even faster, promising to so impact you, it will “grind you to power.” Death and Hell wait to embrace you. Unspeakable terror fills your heart. Conscience speaks so clearly now: “What a fool you have been. You rejected the mercy of God in Jesus Christ. You have given up your loved ones in exchange for the joys of a sinful lifestyle. You relinquished your most precious possession, your very life for the cheap thrill of sin. What a fool! What a fool!” One word will stay with you for eternity. One word alone will echo forever within your tormented mind. Remorse! You whisper the word, “Remorse…remorse.”

Suddenly you are staring at the ceiling of your bedroom, still mouthing the word through dry lips. Remorse! The sheets are wet with sweat. It was just a dream! You look out the window and see the sun breaking through the green trees. It was just a dream! It’s morning now. A peaceful new day. Today’s the day you go skydiving. It will be your first time!

Ronnie

Father,

I am so broken hearted and miss my son. I struggle back and forth with the way things have turned out. Please heal my heart. I pray that Ronnie would have a wonderful day today. I ask that you would lead someone to him who he would respect that would know you intimately. Please lead my son to you. Please save him and place a desire in his heart to know me. Place a desire in his heart, a thirst so that he would desire to be in my life. I miss him Jesus, I really do and I am broken in the fact that we don't have fellowship with one another. I can't even begin to fathom what you must feel when the world rejects you and wants nothing to do with you. I am burdened with only one child in this context and you have this times 6 billion. I couldn't do it, my heart would break and I would die.

Please heal my broken heart Jesus.

Amen

Journal 1/18/06

Father,

I want to pray for my family. I ask that you would heal my daughters diaper rash. I ask that you would cause my kids to love you at an early age and I ask that you would protect them from the folly that this world has to offer. Please lead them into your presence and allow them to thirst after you their whole lives.

I pray for their possible future spouses. I ask that their future spouses would love you and be 110% committed to all your ways. I ask that you would sanctify them even now and prepare them for serving people as they serve you. I pray that you would protect them from the evil of this age and that they would be solid, balanced people.

I ask that you would bless my wife today as well. Please give her the wisdom to lead our children and give her the grace to endure when our toddlers don't cooperate. In Jesus name I pray....

Amen.

A Trial from my Past

I was sharing what I went through with a friend today in an email and I decided to post the email so you all would know what I have experienced with my son. Here is the email:

I would be an utter mess if not for the grace and compassion of the Lord. This email is lengthy, but this is what I went through.

My son Tobias (His name means "God is good") is a miracle. My wife's water broke at 18 weeks with him and we were told he was going to die. She carried him in her womb with no amniotic fluid until she was 26 weeks pregnant. and he was born while my other son was only 11 months old. So Tobias was born at 2 lbs. 15 oz. and was 15 in. long. He only had a 2-1/2 percent chance of living.

The day he was born they had to put him on a breathing machine and breath for him. The breathing machine was too strong for his lungs and it was blowing holes into his lungs which cause the air to get trapped between his lungs and ribs. The pressure caused his lungs to collapse....he was 3 1/2 months early (A micro preemie) and after only a few hours we were told he was going to die. My wife had a C section in the hospital across the street and we had to usher my wife (Who could not move) into the NI-CU to say goodbye to our son. It was devastating.....yet he did not die. They placed chest tubes into his chest which would suck the air that leaked out of his lungs into these tubes to release the pressure. He made it through that.

He had to have 9 blood transfusions (8 of them were my very own blood). When he was 1 week old (27 weeks gestation) his stomach swelled so bad that it looked like a basketball was in him. His stomach began turning black. We were told again that he was dying and that there was a problem with his intestines which was leaking and poisoning him. they had to do surgery right away or he wouldn’t make it.

My wife was an emotional mess and I just could not cry as I was dealing with this thing internally and not externally. My wife approached me on this as she was getting angry that I would not weep. She felt like I didn’t care. I explained to her that I was weeping inside and then proceeded to write her a poem that expressed what I was feeling (When I wrote this poem is when I discovered that I could write pretty well). So I wrote this poem to my son Tobias but it was really for my wife. This is the poem:

God is good Tobias; He really is you see,
He's blessed my wife and I with you; you're here alive breathing.
I know its hard my child with every breath you take,
but son I really love you I'm here no matter what it takes.
My heart it aches with sorrow for all you have gone through,
you've had such a rough start Tobias and its getting harder too.
I don't know what tomorrow holds, will you be there with me?
I long to hold you in my arms please give all your pain to me.
My God's a God of comfort He'll hold you in His arms,
for I am weak with pain and grief and He has held me this far.
I pray that you won't pass away, but Tobi, if you do . . .
I trust that you will see my God and He will hold you too.


When they did the surgery, they found a hole in his intestines and they pulled his intestines out and he had a little piece of them out for three months. He actually came home with them on the outside of his body.

They did a body scan right before his surgery. And when they finished the surgery, they told us that they had good new and bad news. The surgery appeared to be successful, but when they did the scan on his brain they found major bleeding. He had bleeding on both sides of the brain and the were really bad. He would most likely be severely retarded or could die from them. They were grade three brain bleeds on a scale that only goes to four and he had two of them (One on each side of the brain).

Grade 1 – will self heal and go away over time
Grade 2 – will cause delays in brain function and minor retardation
Grade 3 – severe handicaps; possible death, and will need a shunt to stop the swelling that may occur in the brain.
Grade 4 – highly possible death and total retardation.

We were crushed. My entire world was torn to shreds and while we were dealing with this whole nightmare, my 11 month old was being almost entirely neglected by my wife and I and was spending 95% of his time with his grand parents (We felt as if we were failing him and there was nothing we could do about it).

Well to make a long story short, the brain bleeds have healed themselves (According to the doctor) but we know the Lord healed him.

After 79 days in the NICU (Newborn Intensive Care Unit) he came home even though his intestines were out side his body and he had a colostomy bag. He was on a heart monitor and it was tough. After a few weeks or a month (I can’t remember the dates now), his skin around where the intestines were got infected with a yeast infection. His skin started to shred like graded cheese. We would try to change his colostomy bag and the pain was so bad that he would scream out and then pass out for 30 seconds then wake up screaming and pass out from the pain. We rushed him to the hospital and they did another emergency surgery, but this time they were able to fix his intestines and put them back in. He was in the NICU for about a week or so.

When he came home; my older son Billy started having seizures and he was put into the hospital for about a week. He has not had any since and is fine.


When Tobias turned about 4 months old his eyes started crossing really bad. They were so bad that he couldn’t see in 3D but in 2D (His world was like a TV, with no depth perception). After months of check ups and evaluations, when he was about a year old he had surgery on both his eyes and this corrected his eyes and he was able to see 3D for the 1st time in his life. It was like he was blind and received sight as everything was new to him and he was old enough to realize it and we were able to watch him as he saw these things in a new way (That was pretty cool).

And now apart from scars on his body, he is 100% healed of everything. He is a normal 2 ½ year old boy and talks and laughs and is fully healed. And what I have found and why I am sharing all of this with you is that once all the dust settled and things got back to normal it was at that time that I really started struggling with everything that we went through. And that is where that poem “After the Rain” came from. Does that make sense?

Also, I think I am going to post this email on my blog as I think it would be nice for others to know about how faithful the Lord Jesus is.


After the Rain

Right after my storm; as the winds stopped and ceased
There was a great calm; as I sighed in relief
And though there is damage; from the previous rage
I can start a new chapter; and can turn a new page

But as the dust settles; and I clearly can see
I look through the rubble; though I would rather flee
Though all is destroyed; and there nothing but sand
I can still trust in my God; as He helps me to stand

As I survey the damage; and I calculate cost
The pain swells up in me; as I see all Ive lost
Though I tremble in horror; and I ask the Lord why?
I know the Lord loves me; and its ok to cry.

Its so overwhelming; as my emotions do flare
Its easy to doubt; that my God really cares
And yes the storm passed; yet the fierce winds were real
Its so hard to move on; as I struggle to heal

My eyes fill with water; my mouth gets all dry
My heart sinks in despair; as I long to die
My emotions, they hurt me; I hunger and thirst
My heart; it aches badly; I feel as if it will burst

The rain is now gone and the skies are now blue
Yet I still haven’t healed; from what I’ve gone through
And now time has passed; as life continues on
I still live in darkness; even though the nights gone

I know this sounds gloomy; what else can I say?
The Lord will heal my heart; as I seek Him and pray?
My worst fears behind me; or that’s what they say
I once felt victorious; I now feel like prey

But all is not lost; though I feel that it is
For my heart isn’t mine, it is totally His
And my God is faithful; Ill trust Him till I die
I will lift His name up; I will lift it up high

My God is my healer; he will one day heal me
And though I am now mourning; I will one day be free
For here is a truth; that I will try to explain
The Son always shines; even after the rain!

QUICK THOUGHT

Dying to the flesh; what a mess! It sure can be difficult at times to constantly die to the flesh. My flesh is wrestling against my spirit right now; (Probably because I am going to be leading worship tonight for the church high schoolers) and I am having victory but struggling with the non relenting battle.

If any of you read this; please pray for me. Today is the 1st time that I will be leading worship officially for a church function. I have lead worship many times in the past, for home fellowships; prayer meetings, men studies and even in church services inside of jails. But all those were done in California and this is the 1st time I get to lead worship here in Oregon apart from my Friday night prayer meetings in my home. I am sure that is why I am struggling with keeping my flesh in check.

I am about to beat my body into submission like Paul the apostle mentioned in the word....but I hate fighting. But the gloves are on....so please pray for me.

Journal 1/12/06

Father,

Your love shines like the sun, it pours upon me like the rain. I feel your presence capture me like a raging storm and it blesses me. How I need your love. And then Lord, there is your grace. Your grace frees me from my past as it purges all my sins and purifies my heart. Your grace totally heals me from within and makes me whole. I need your grace and embrace you. How I long not for just the grace of God but the God of grace. I long for you O Lord.

So I pray that you would pour upon me your waves of love. I ask that you would let your rain flood this thirsty soul of mine as you refresh my heart. I desperately desire to be consumed by your passion Master. I long to be embraced by the Almighty and I come to you seeking that fellowship that you desire to have with me. I come and lay my burdens down with joy in my heart as I gladly place them at your feet. Please take a hold of me as I open up my heart. Fill me in a way that would complete me as I receive your peace. I worship you Abba.

How long will you wait for this barren land to return to its former passion of pursuing you? How long will we have to wait before we see your glory shining in the skies? When will you redeem the nations of the earth? You have poured out grace upon the nations as you have withheld your righteous judgment upon the earth. How much longer Lord before you return and claim what belongs to you? I love you with a passion that consumes all my thoughts. I long to be dressed in robes of righteousness and look forward to the day that I finally get to see you face to face. I am excited and look forward to seeing my King. Please come Lord Jesus!

Family Picture

Here is the Christmas card that we sent out to everyone. Though I am biased, isn't my family adorable?



Here is the picture before I shaved my kids....lol

Here is a test!

Read this sentence in the following picture. Now count aloud the F's in the box. Count them only once; DO NOT LOOK BACK AND COUNT THEM AGAIN. If you think you are right, read what is posted after the picture.



Did you only look at it once? Ok, How many F's did you find?





There are six. Most people find only three. Here is another intelligence test. Answer Yes or No OUT LOUD: 1/ Is there a God? 2/ Does God care about right and wrong? 3/ Are God's standards the same as ours? 4/ Will God punish sin? 5/ Is there a Hell? 6/ Do you avoid Hell by living a good life? The answers are 1/ Yes. 2/ Yes. 3/ No. 4/ Yes. 5/ Yes 6/ No. You can't afford to be wrong. Find out the truth - ask God to forgive your sins, then trust Jesus Christ. He took your punishment by dying on the Cross for you. Then He rose from the dead. Read the Bible daily and obey what you read . . . God will never let you down.


Please read this out loud to find out what it says.


Perhaps you read: "God is nowhere." It also says, "God is now here." 96% of Americans believe in God, but to many His presence isn't what it could be. The Bible says, "In Him we live and move and have our being," but we are separated from Him by our sins: "Sin" is the breaking of God's Law - the Ten Commandments. Let's see if you've "sinned": Have you ever lied (even a "white" lie) or stolen (the value is irrelevant)? Then you are a lying thief. If you've lusted, you've committed adultery in your heart. If you've hated someone, the Bible says you are a murderer. If you have broken any of the Ten Commandments, you are in big trouble. On Judgment Day you'll be found guilty, and end up in Hell. But God sent His Son to die on the Cross for you. Jesus took your punishment, and then defeated death by rising from the dead. God is now here, so repent today and trust the Savior, and you will receive the gift of everlasting life. Read the Bible daily and obey what you read.

Todays thoughts

that's right....absolutely nothing!

Book Update

Well I am finally returning to my book that I started to write when I lived in California. I just read it again so I can remember the flow of the book and I began writing in it yesterday after almost a 9 month break (Due to us relocating to another state and all). I have almost 38,000 words written and I just finished chapter 11 yesterday. I have an outline for approximately 25 chapters.

Please pray that I would be able to finish this novel, get it copyrighted and published as soon as possible. My goal is to have all of this accomplished this year. So if you remember, please pray that the Lord would anoint my words and that he would receive all glory for what is written on the pages of this book.

Bill