Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Journal 3/29/05

I long for home. Not my place here on this planet but home. I long to really be home with the Lord. I have sojourned for 31 years now and I am so home sick. I am so depressed. There are so many possible changes upon the horizon, but they seem to sit there. I want to just engage in my life. I am tired of living in the “On Hold” mold. I am waiting for the baby to be born. I am waiting to see if I am moving. My life is on hold and it has been for about 8 months. I hate being on hold. I wish I could move forward. I want to move forward.
I feel so alone and isolated in my pathetic life. I wish I could changes things for the better. But what would I change if I could? I don’t know. My feelings dominate me badly and I am subjected to their harshness. Will I ever get to a place where I truly walk by faith and not by feeling? Will I ever truly be in tune with the Lord whole heartedly? I don’t know. I am so tired of burning the Lord. I am tired of living in the flesh. It is so ugly and defiled. It is so unholy and crude. My flesh is my real enemy.
I have sought for home in everything that I have experienced. I have to conclude that I will never be fully content and satisfied on this side of eternity. The Lord has placed eternity in my heart and nothing will satisfy me n this side of eternity. I long for Jesus. I long to see his face. I don’t want to just imagine what you look like anymore. I don’t want to just picture how your voice sounds. I want to know you face to face. I long to know you my Father. Please reveal yourself to my wearisome soul. I love you and I desperately want to embrace you as you embrace me.

Friday, March 25, 2005

Journal 3/25/05

Today is Good Friday! Today is a day to mourn and celebrate as we reflect on all that the Lord has done for us. I have been thinking about life and stuff of that sort. And all those times in my life when I wanted to or have back slidden; all I needed to do was look at Jesus' back. It was hamburger meat literally. He bore all that I have done on his back so that I could freely embrace salvation. He loves me!!! MY GOD LOVES ME AND WILL NEVER LEAVE NOR ABANDON ME!!!
My kids are getting better and worship. We are doing it more consistantly and I am seeing a little bit of fruit from them. They don't understand what worship is yet, but they are learning to embrace it even now at their young age. I am a blessed man.
I pray that you would anoint my heart with your oil of gladness. Fill me with your Spirit and use me for your glory. I am so grateful that you love me my Father. thank you for you neverending abounding love. Teach me your will so that I can follow in the footsteps that you alone have planned out for me. Thank you Father...In Jesus name I pray. So be it!!!