Thursday, December 31, 2009

Journal 12/30/09

I am so blessed. I have my wonderful kids, my incredible band, and my girlfriend who all make me feel so loved. I am a blessed man.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

journal 6/25/09

today is a better day.....

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Journal 6-23-09

I can't seem to shake my feelings of dispair that i have been having since saturday. I am not sure why I am so depressed, if the knotts were not in my stomach then it would be bearable.

Please make the bad man go away....!!!

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Journal 6-21-09

Welcome to my hell. This is a place where the free are locked up and alone, but thats ok. I would rather be here alone where no one can get in and hurt me than to be out there with the world stomping on my heart. I understand that its human nature to do and say things that are careless and mean at times, so i dont hold any grudges against anyone at all. But its time to be a hermit. I dont want to get into a place where I dont like people, I would rather have the feelings of dispair and feelings of isolation than to start to despise people.

I am in a place where I no longer feel much. I do feel numbness and thats kinda nice. And I am in a place where I just dont care anymore about alot of things. I just dont care. There was a time when I actually did care, and I am sure in the far future I may care again, but for now, the walls are up and will be up for a while.

I sit here on my couch by myself cuz I would rather be alone than deal with or talk to people. I know that most my blogging seems to be more on the down side of the scale, but that's where i am at when i am in the mood to write. It doesn't mean I am always down, cuz I'm not, but it does mean when I write I am in that mood.

I have learned alot over the last 6 months, and I have changed my position on alot of things. I now believe that nothing last forever, and with that, its important to take in and cherish what you have because like the wind or a flower that blooms in the hot sun, it will quickly fade and you may never see it again. So cherish the moments in time that you are actually able to smile, because it wont last.

fear is my new friend, as i fear I will be one who dies alone. thats my lot.....

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Journal 3/26/09

I am so depressed and my heart is broken. My friends son took his life on Monday, he was 25 years old. How I hate this world, it is so messed up and filled with disaster and grief. How I grieve with my friend. How I mourn alongside him and sob with him.

Oh God, please bring comfort to Craig and Roxanne. Please take this disaster, this nightmare, this horrendous heart wrenching tragedy and receive glory in teh midst of this. Please have mercy Jesus and please hold my friends and carry them through this. You are the only one who can give them peace in the midst of what they are experiencing....

I am so depressed and my heart is broken....

Sunday, March 08, 2009

Journal 3/8/09

What is happening in my life? I feel so far away from who i thought I would be. I feel lost, consumed in loneliness and I feel like such a failure. I want to go back to that time when things were simple. I want to meet with Jesus again like I used to. I feel like my heart is so hard these days towards the Lord. I hate who I am and hate where i am.

Oh Jesus, please forgive me for everything I have done. I am a mess and my life apart from you has been a disaster. I don't know what to do. I feel like Peter who at one point took a step of faith and stepped out of the boat and started to walk on water, but then he began to sink. I don't feel like I have ever had the faith to walk on water, but i do feel like I am sinking in the oceans of regret and despair.

I am in a place now where I no longer can just return to the former days, they are long in the past, buried in another life. I need a new encounter with you Jesus. I am sinking, my life is a mess and the only way I can ever recover from my brokenness is by your hand reaching down and consuming me once again. I want to be consumed by you do I get to that place from where I am currently? I feel dead on the inside, a walking corpse with nothing to offer.

I don't know what to do Lord. I am lost without you and I don't like the way life is anymore. I want what I once had. I want to be a godly man, yet I find I do not have the power or consistency that godly men have.

I am lost, I am desperate, I am alone.

Saturday, February 07, 2009

journal 2-7-09

Being unemployed sucks. I have never been unemployed and its hard getting up and not knowing what the day holds. But God is in control and i trust Him. Thats all i got for now....

Monday, January 19, 2009

Journal 1/19/09

I am so tired today. I can barely keep my eyes open. I wish I had more strength. But I dont, I am wiped out completely.

I need some sleep.