1-29-11

I guess I should write today. I don’t feel bad today, but I do have this distant emotion trying to make its way into the forefront of my mind. I am not always a depressed person, I know that if you are to read my writings only, that it may appear that way, but I am not depressed. I am just really in tune with my feelings and in those times when I am feeling the emotions tug at me, I tend to write. I write because in those somber times of emotional despair, that is when I am actually in the mood to write, the rest of the time, I am ok for the most part. Writing is therapy for me. It is a way for me to connect what I am feeling to what is going on and as I write I am able to cope with the trials that are facing me in that moment in time.

Some stuff I deal with on a regular basis, others come and go. Some of the things I deal with are from the past and I need healing from, some of it’s from an uncertain future. But everything that I write about is coming from a perspective if dealing with whatever it is that is bothering me. I don’t have all the answers, and I may never have them, but I am dealing with them and dealing with who I am in the midst of these trials as best as I can. I am doing my best to be real in the midst of my heart aches and emotional pains. At times you may not understand me and I may annoy you or even upset you, I really don’t mean to an ugly person or a mean spirited person, I am just trying to adjust to so many things in my life. And at times I know I get overwhelmed and come off as distant and insensitive and for that I really do apologize.

For the longest time I really tried to be what others wanted to me to be, but I got tired of being what others wanted me to be. I felt lost under the surface of my own skin and it overwhelmed me. I felt all these overwhelming expectations of how I was to act or what I was supposed to like or to be like placed upon me and the pressure of walking in everyone elses shoes really overwhelmed me to the point of feeling suicidal.

I felt caught, trapped and sucked into a current of despair because I could not be who others wanted me to be. I am not them and I don’t even think the same way as they do. And it isn't fair for anyone to expect me to live as they do. I had to fight and fight myself within just to make sure I did things the way I was supposed to and it made me numb on the inside, I felt dead. And because I tried to live as society wanted me to live, I started to really be afraid of who I was underneath it all. And that person underneath everything is a beautiful person. I like who I am when all the walls come down and I am left here as just me.

I don’t understand, couldn’t you all see that I was being smothered? I was suffocating as I felt forced to hold onto something that I was not and something so contrary to my nature. I felt like one of those bull riders, trying to hold on for life while my insides were screaming and bucking, kicking and doing everything it could to get the artificial outer person off its back. And the outer person, the one that everyone else saw, the shell that I was becoming, was holding on so tightly, trying to smother the inner person and to subdue it from fear of what others would say and do, but there just is no way to subdue who you are.

And now that I have stopped fighting me and kicked the outer shell off my back, everything that you thought I would be has fallen apart right before your eyes. And as the dust has settled, I am left here in my rawness and vulnerability. I feel everyone’s eyes upon my naked soul and I feel so overwhelmed by it at times. So I stand up as I don’t want to just sit here where everyone can see me openly, and I start to take steps, but each step that I take seems to be just another mistake in your eyes. But what do I do? I can’t be you. And I know that I may fail as me, and fail often, but I know that even though others may look down on me, those same people have others looking down on them to. I can’t be who you want me to be. I don’t want to be that person. I want to be me.

I feel alive as me, and its scary because it feels as if everyone is staring at me, laughing, mocking and rolling their eyes at me as I walk by. I feel like such a disappointment to people, but I love who I am. I like that I have finally gotten that shell off my back and don’t have to fight with it anymore. That doesn’t mean my life is easy, on the contrary, I am in new territory and it scares the living hell out of me most of the time, sigh! I have lost many close relationships because those people loved the shell and not the inner person. :( My heart has been devastated from the loss of close relationships that I had. I really valued them and now they are gone. I am dead in their eyes. I am a loss cause to those whom I once valued and cared for. :(

I am hoping that as I continue walking and learning how to live as me, that I will meet new friends along the way, because it’s a lonely road filled with constant obstacles and filled with moments of utter despair. But I feel free, scared but free. I will keep walking until I can find someplace where I belong. I long to belong somewhere because right now I feel so despised and awkward and lost. and so I spend a lot of time alone in my thoughts and I get lost in the loneliness that is buried deep inside of me.

The truth is that I do want to heal. I want to grow and feel and learn how to love in new ways. I want to be loved, not as I was or how I should be, but as I am. I want people to love me for me because I am me. Is that too much to ask?

So yeah, these are my thoughts today!

1-17-11

I have been feeling off lately. Semi-depressed, but not fully depressed. I cant quite figure out why. All I know is that I have to face these emotions all the time and probably will have to for the rest of my life. At one point in my life, I thought I had all the answers, I was confident, secure and now I am so unfamiliar with those attributes as they flee in the opposite direction of where I am.

Maybe one day it will be okay again. That's all I want. I don't care what it takes. I just want to be okay again. I have this constant tug-o-war on my insides and I feel like one part of me is fighting another part of me to the point of utter exhaustion. It feels like two people are living inside of me, and they are both one in the same yet very different from each other. They fight against each other instead of lifting each other up and supporting each other. I hate this battle for I fear that one day one part will win and the other will lose, and if that happens, then a part of me will die on the inside. ~Deep breath~

I feel somber, sad in the depths of my soul, not hopeless, and its not that I am unhappy, I just have this weight inside of me. I know I say it alot, but its so true: It is really difficult being me.

I have a really hard time breathing at times as I feel the war within me choking the life out of me. :( I am overwhelmed in my spirit. This pain inside me just tears me apart at the seams. The more it hurts the harder I cry and the rougher this inward battle gets. I have no refuge from the things within. I can't run from me. I want to cry.

My heart is broken into pieces from this inward battle and all that does is wound both sides of me. It creates tormented confusion and causes me to spin in every direction. Gawd!!!! I hate feeling this way. Will someone please make the bad man stop!!!

1/13/11

I am still feeling down today. I hate that my emotions have so much control over me. It really is hard being me and to carry the burdens that I have to carry and face alone. I would wish what I go through on no one, not even my worst enemy.

I feel trapped in my body and I feel like such a freak. I hate that I have so many demons. they never cease to haunt me.

1-11-11

I have a heavy heart today

1-3-11

I hate certain memories, the ones where you not only have the image ingrained in your head, but the kind where you remember the smells, the feelings, and the ones that still make you cry, even years later.

One memory I have is where I begin to sob while the enemy sleeps downstairs with the TV on. The static from the TV slowly drowns out between my whimpers and the music playing on my stereo. I realize that no matter what I do, I will never be good enough for you and nothing will ever change that. I am broken. How could you? My self-destruction is YOUR fault and there is nothing you or anyone for that matter can do to stop me from falling apart. Please tell me why you did the things that you did to me? Why did you betray me? Why did you betray my trust in you? You tell me that you love me as you defile my body, is that love? How could you love me if you purposely hurt me? And how is it that you could hate me when all I ever wanted in my life was to be like you. I was deceived. I was naive and you preyed upon my innocence like a predator. :(

So I find myself cowering in a corner in the dark with the music on, as my heart is pounding relentlessly wishing I were anywhere else but here in this place. You seem to take all of your anger and perversion out on me and it breaks me. I honestly would rather rot alone than spend another minute with you, you hurt me and I hate you for it.

I don’t know why you did the things you did as you took things to the extremes and poured out your evil upon me. But now years later, I still suffer from all the horrors that you inflicted upon me, with no healing in sight. I can still smell you, even to this day. I can still hear your breath in my ears causing nauseating shivers to run down my spine. I still feel your hands on me and can feel your bites on my body, it makes me cringe. It makes me paranoid as I constantly look over my shoulders because I fear I will see you standing there. I hate you.

You just stood there gazing upon me in silence while you made me pose for you. And if I were too loud, you simply raised your finger to your mouth. You then would lay me down and put a pillow over my face to keep me quiet until you were finished using me. Uggggggggg!!!!

You shattered my life like a rock shatters glass when it hits it full force. I wanted to run from you but your threats scared me into submission. So I simply laid there with smeared makeup on, forced to listen to you fall asleep while your arms held me in place. Every time you touch me I want to scream, STOP, DON”T TOUCH ME! GET OFF ME!!!! But instead I cower like a wounded animal that is afraid to move. I am nothing. I am less than nothing.

You tell me how beautiful I am you tell me how good I look in the outfits you picked out just for me which only makes me feel uglier. I feel like a monster, like a freak no one could ever love. And even now I can’t get over the pain that you inflicted upon me. I hate you. I can’t sleep at times because I find you there in my nightmares waiting for me. And when I awake, I am so freaked out because of you that I can’t function, so I inwardly begin to numb myself and let my heart die to ease the torments. Will this ever end? Will I ever heal? Will you ever be out of my life permanently? Or am I going to be forced to live out the rest of my life with you haunting me? I hate you.