Thursday, January 26, 2006

Journal 1/26/06

For where sin abounds grace abounds much more – Romans 5:20
What shall I say then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? Certainly not! – Romans 6:1

These words haunt me. How can I as a believer live in such darkness even after I know the truth of God? So often I find myself living in deception. I think I am ok, but the truth is that I am deceived, I am NOT ok. And it only takes a moment for me to listen to my heart instead of the Lord and the next thing I know; I am way out in left field. My heart is desperately wicked, it really is and I need help.


Once again I have strayed from you and your word. I am coming back to you right now as I feel so convicted of my wickedness. Please forgive me for listening to and engaging my heart in lies. Your word is truth and without you and your word I am a hopeless man. Lord, I wish I would be more consistent in living righteously before you. But as I inventory my heart and my life, I find that the only thing I am consistent in is living unrighteously. I do what I want when I want the way I want and its simply rebellion against you my Lord. Please forgive me. Please heal my heart, I am a mess; an utter mess. I need you to give me a new heart and I ask that your grace truly would abound. Please have mercy on me Jesus. I am so sorry for straying once again and I need your forgiveness and mercy. I want to be consistent and yet I cannot unless you do the work inside of me. So please fulfill your promise to me. You promised in 1 Thessalonians 1:23, “Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you completely; and may your whole spirit, soul, and body be preserved blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Please finish the work you started in my heart and cleanse me completely. Please completely cleanse my whole spirit, completely cleanse my whole soul and completely cleanse my whole body. I ask these things on the Merit of Jesus alone....

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

The Rush - by Ray Comfort

The Rush - written by Ray Comfort

You’ve always wanted to skydive, but the thought scared you too much to try it. That is, until you met someone who had made over 100 jumps. He talked you into it by explaining how safe it was. His enthusiasm was contagious. He spoke of the freedom of falling through the air…the adrenaline rush…the unspeakable exhilaration.

Now you are standing on the edge of the plane, looking down upon the earth far, far below. Everything had been checked. Double checked. This was safer than driving on the freeway. That helped deal with the fear. Modern parachutes are state-of-the-art. Besides, there is a back-up’ chute. Still, your heart is beating with apprehension.

Suddenly, you jump! You have trained so much for this moment, you instinctively spread your hand and your legs. The speed is unbelievable. The power of the air forcing itself against your body is incredible. It’s like a dream. You are defying the law of gravity, racing through the air at more than 120 M.P.H.!

The earth is looming closer. All normal sense of time lost. Speed, thrust of air, unspeakable joy. You glance at the altimeter on your wrist. Only another ten seconds and you will pull the cord and feel the jolt of the parachute opening. All that you had been told was true. The adrenaline rush is like nothing you have experienced. If it could only last a little longer. Reluctantly, you pull the cord. It opens, but there is no jolt!

You tilt your head back to see a sight that horrifies you. The parachute has twisted and is trailing like a flapping streamer. Your heart races with fear, and pounds in your chest. Your eyes bulge in terror. Your chest heaves as you gasp for air. You try to keep a clear mind and remember your training…pull the second cord. Nothing happens! You pull again. Again! Harder. Harder! Nothing. Your body lets out a scream, a groan of panic. Your heart is pounding even harder. Faster. Sweat breaks through your skin. A thousand thoughts speed through your mind. Your family! Your fate!…Safer than driving on the freeway! You whisper, “What a fool I was…to think that I could defy the law of gravity.” Now the merciless law waits for the moment of impact. The ground accelerates towards you. No words can describe the terror gripping your mind. A voice is speaking to you. It is the voice of good sense. It is the voice you ignored often: “You have played the fool. You have given up your life…your most precious possession for a cheap thrill. You have exchanged your loved ones for a rush of adrenaline. What a fool…what a fool!”

One word stands alone to describe how you feel about what you have done. One word screams within the corridors of your terrified mind as the earth races towards you…as death readies to embrace you. One word. A word that you have never understood fully until this moment in time. That terrible word is “Remorse!”

The world, the flesh, and the devil whisper to you about how pleasurable sin is. God isn’t angry at sin. God is love. It is safe to jump into the arms of iniquity and abandon yourself to a free fall through its fast domain.

You go where angels fear to tread. But it is worth it. The rush is everything sin promised. You drink in iniquity like water. You love the darkness. Conscience speaks again and again, but you ignored it’s warning. You are defying the Moral Law, and loving every minute.

Now, you stand before the Judge on Judgement Day. You pull your first line by telling God what a good person you are. Nothing happens. The Moral Law rushes at you. In panic, you pull the second line and tell God that you believed in Him. Again, nothing happens. It is no use. Your mouth is stopped. The Moral Law accelerates towards you even faster, promising to so impact you, it will “grind you to power.” Death and Hell wait to embrace you. Unspeakable terror fills your heart. Conscience speaks so clearly now: “What a fool you have been. You rejected the mercy of God in Jesus Christ. You have given up your loved ones in exchange for the joys of a sinful lifestyle. You relinquished your most precious possession, your very life for the cheap thrill of sin. What a fool! What a fool!” One word will stay with you for eternity. One word alone will echo forever within your tormented mind. Remorse! You whisper the word, “Remorse…remorse.”

Suddenly you are staring at the ceiling of your bedroom, still mouthing the word through dry lips. Remorse! The sheets are wet with sweat. It was just a dream! You look out the window and see the sun breaking through the green trees. It was just a dream! It’s morning now. A peaceful new day. Today’s the day you go skydiving. It will be your first time!

Friday, January 20, 2006



I am so broken hearted and miss my son. I struggle back and forth with the way things have turned out. Please heal my heart. I pray that Ronnie would have a wonderful day today. I ask that you would lead someone to him who he would respect that would know you intimately. Please lead my son to you. Please save him and place a desire in his heart to know me. Place a desire in his heart, a thirst so that he would desire to be in my life. I miss him Jesus, I really do and I am broken in the fact that we don't have fellowship with one another. I can't even begin to fathom what you must feel when the world rejects you and wants nothing to do with you. I am burdened with only one child in this context and you have this times 6 billion. I couldn't do it, my heart would break and I would die.

Please heal my broken heart Jesus.


Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Journal 1/18/06


I want to pray for my family. I ask that you would heal my daughters diaper rash. I ask that you would cause my kids to love you at an early age and I ask that you would protect them from the folly that this world has to offer. Please lead them into your presence and allow them to thirst after you their whole lives.

I pray for their possible future spouses. I ask that their future spouses would love you and be 110% committed to all your ways. I ask that you would sanctify them even now and prepare them for serving people as they serve you. I pray that you would protect them from the evil of this age and that they would be solid, balanced people.

I ask that you would bless my wife today as well. Please give her the wisdom to lead our children and give her the grace to endure when our toddlers don't cooperate. In Jesus name I pray....


Friday, January 13, 2006

A Trial from my Past

I was sharing what I went through with a friend today in an email and I decided to post the email so you all would know what I have experienced with my son. Here is the email:

I would be an utter mess if not for the grace and compassion of the Lord. This email is lengthy, but this is what I went through.

My son Tobias (His name means "God is good") is a miracle. My wife's water broke at 18 weeks with him and we were told he was going to die. She carried him in her womb with no amniotic fluid until she was 26 weeks pregnant. and he was born while my other son was only 11 months old. So Tobias was born at 2 lbs. 15 oz. and was 15 in. long. He only had a 2-1/2 percent chance of living.

The day he was born they had to put him on a breathing machine and breath for him. The breathing machine was too strong for his lungs and it was blowing holes into his lungs which cause the air to get trapped between his lungs and ribs. The pressure caused his lungs to collapse....he was 3 1/2 months early (A micro preemie) and after only a few hours we were told he was going to die. My wife had a C section in the hospital across the street and we had to usher my wife (Who could not move) into the NI-CU to say goodbye to our son. It was devastating.....yet he did not die. They placed chest tubes into his chest which would suck the air that leaked out of his lungs into these tubes to release the pressure. He made it through that.

He had to have 9 blood transfusions (8 of them were my very own blood). When he was 1 week old (27 weeks gestation) his stomach swelled so bad that it looked like a basketball was in him. His stomach began turning black. We were told again that he was dying and that there was a problem with his intestines which was leaking and poisoning him. they had to do surgery right away or he wouldn’t make it.

My wife was an emotional mess and I just could not cry as I was dealing with this thing internally and not externally. My wife approached me on this as she was getting angry that I would not weep. She felt like I didn’t care. I explained to her that I was weeping inside and then proceeded to write her a poem that expressed what I was feeling (When I wrote this poem is when I discovered that I could write pretty well). So I wrote this poem to my son Tobias but it was really for my wife. This is the poem:

God is good Tobias; He really is you see,
He's blessed my wife and I with you; you're here alive breathing.
I know its hard my child with every breath you take,
but son I really love you I'm here no matter what it takes.
My heart it aches with sorrow for all you have gone through,
you've had such a rough start Tobias and its getting harder too.
I don't know what tomorrow holds, will you be there with me?
I long to hold you in my arms please give all your pain to me.
My God's a God of comfort He'll hold you in His arms,
for I am weak with pain and grief and He has held me this far.
I pray that you won't pass away, but Tobi, if you do . . .
I trust that you will see my God and He will hold you too.

When they did the surgery, they found a hole in his intestines and they pulled his intestines out and he had a little piece of them out for three months. He actually came home with them on the outside of his body.

They did a body scan right before his surgery. And when they finished the surgery, they told us that they had good new and bad news. The surgery appeared to be successful, but when they did the scan on his brain they found major bleeding. He had bleeding on both sides of the brain and the were really bad. He would most likely be severely retarded or could die from them. They were grade three brain bleeds on a scale that only goes to four and he had two of them (One on each side of the brain).

Grade 1 – will self heal and go away over time
Grade 2 – will cause delays in brain function and minor retardation
Grade 3 – severe handicaps; possible death, and will need a shunt to stop the swelling that may occur in the brain.
Grade 4 – highly possible death and total retardation.

We were crushed. My entire world was torn to shreds and while we were dealing with this whole nightmare, my 11 month old was being almost entirely neglected by my wife and I and was spending 95% of his time with his grand parents (We felt as if we were failing him and there was nothing we could do about it).

Well to make a long story short, the brain bleeds have healed themselves (According to the doctor) but we know the Lord healed him.

After 79 days in the NICU (Newborn Intensive Care Unit) he came home even though his intestines were out side his body and he had a colostomy bag. He was on a heart monitor and it was tough. After a few weeks or a month (I can’t remember the dates now), his skin around where the intestines were got infected with a yeast infection. His skin started to shred like graded cheese. We would try to change his colostomy bag and the pain was so bad that he would scream out and then pass out for 30 seconds then wake up screaming and pass out from the pain. We rushed him to the hospital and they did another emergency surgery, but this time they were able to fix his intestines and put them back in. He was in the NICU for about a week or so.

When he came home; my older son Billy started having seizures and he was put into the hospital for about a week. He has not had any since and is fine.

When Tobias turned about 4 months old his eyes started crossing really bad. They were so bad that he couldn’t see in 3D but in 2D (His world was like a TV, with no depth perception). After months of check ups and evaluations, when he was about a year old he had surgery on both his eyes and this corrected his eyes and he was able to see 3D for the 1st time in his life. It was like he was blind and received sight as everything was new to him and he was old enough to realize it and we were able to watch him as he saw these things in a new way (That was pretty cool).

And now apart from scars on his body, he is 100% healed of everything. He is a normal 2 ½ year old boy and talks and laughs and is fully healed. And what I have found and why I am sharing all of this with you is that once all the dust settled and things got back to normal it was at that time that I really started struggling with everything that we went through. And that is where that poem “After the Rain” came from. Does that make sense?

Also, I think I am going to post this email on my blog as I think it would be nice for others to know about how faithful the Lord Jesus is.

After the Rain

Right after my storm; as the winds stopped and ceased
There was a great calm; as I sighed in relief
And though there is damage; from the previous rage
I can start a new chapter; and can turn a new page

But as the dust settles; and I clearly can see
I look through the rubble; though I would rather flee
Though all is destroyed; and there nothing but sand
I can still trust in my God; as He helps me to stand

As I survey the damage; and I calculate cost
The pain swells up in me; as I see all Ive lost
Though I tremble in horror; and I ask the Lord why?
I know the Lord loves me; and its ok to cry.

Its so overwhelming; as my emotions do flare
Its easy to doubt; that my God really cares
And yes the storm passed; yet the fierce winds were real
Its so hard to move on; as I struggle to heal

My eyes fill with water; my mouth gets all dry
My heart sinks in despair; as I long to die
My emotions, they hurt me; I hunger and thirst
My heart; it aches badly; I feel as if it will burst

The rain is now gone and the skies are now blue
Yet I still haven’t healed; from what I’ve gone through
And now time has passed; as life continues on
I still live in darkness; even though the nights gone

I know this sounds gloomy; what else can I say?
The Lord will heal my heart; as I seek Him and pray?
My worst fears behind me; or that’s what they say
I once felt victorious; I now feel like prey

But all is not lost; though I feel that it is
For my heart isn’t mine, it is totally His
And my God is faithful; Ill trust Him till I die
I will lift His name up; I will lift it up high

My God is my healer; he will one day heal me
And though I am now mourning; I will one day be free
For here is a truth; that I will try to explain
The Son always shines; even after the rain!

Thursday, January 12, 2006


Dying to the flesh; what a mess! It sure can be difficult at times to constantly die to the flesh. My flesh is wrestling against my spirit right now; (Probably because I am going to be leading worship tonight for the church high schoolers) and I am having victory but struggling with the non relenting battle.

If any of you read this; please pray for me. Today is the 1st time that I will be leading worship officially for a church function. I have lead worship many times in the past, for home fellowships; prayer meetings, men studies and even in church services inside of jails. But all those were done in California and this is the 1st time I get to lead worship here in Oregon apart from my Friday night prayer meetings in my home. I am sure that is why I am struggling with keeping my flesh in check.

I am about to beat my body into submission like Paul the apostle mentioned in the word....but I hate fighting. But the gloves are please pray for me.

Journal 1/12/06


Your love shines like the sun, it pours upon me like the rain. I feel your presence capture me like a raging storm and it blesses me. How I need your love. And then Lord, there is your grace. Your grace frees me from my past as it purges all my sins and purifies my heart. Your grace totally heals me from within and makes me whole. I need your grace and embrace you. How I long not for just the grace of God but the God of grace. I long for you O Lord.

So I pray that you would pour upon me your waves of love. I ask that you would let your rain flood this thirsty soul of mine as you refresh my heart. I desperately desire to be consumed by your passion Master. I long to be embraced by the Almighty and I come to you seeking that fellowship that you desire to have with me. I come and lay my burdens down with joy in my heart as I gladly place them at your feet. Please take a hold of me as I open up my heart. Fill me in a way that would complete me as I receive your peace. I worship you Abba.

How long will you wait for this barren land to return to its former passion of pursuing you? How long will we have to wait before we see your glory shining in the skies? When will you redeem the nations of the earth? You have poured out grace upon the nations as you have withheld your righteous judgment upon the earth. How much longer Lord before you return and claim what belongs to you? I love you with a passion that consumes all my thoughts. I long to be dressed in robes of righteousness and look forward to the day that I finally get to see you face to face. I am excited and look forward to seeing my King. Please come Lord Jesus!

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Family Picture

Here is the Christmas card that we sent out to everyone. Though I am biased, isn't my family adorable?

Here is the picture before I shaved my

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Here is a test!

Read this sentence in the following picture. Now count aloud the F's in the box. Count them only once; DO NOT LOOK BACK AND COUNT THEM AGAIN. If you think you are right, read what is posted after the picture.

Did you only look at it once? Ok, How many F's did you find?

There are six. Most people find only three. Here is another intelligence test. Answer Yes or No OUT LOUD: 1/ Is there a God? 2/ Does God care about right and wrong? 3/ Are God's standards the same as ours? 4/ Will God punish sin? 5/ Is there a Hell? 6/ Do you avoid Hell by living a good life? The answers are 1/ Yes. 2/ Yes. 3/ No. 4/ Yes. 5/ Yes 6/ No. You can't afford to be wrong. Find out the truth - ask God to forgive your sins, then trust Jesus Christ. He took your punishment by dying on the Cross for you. Then He rose from the dead. Read the Bible daily and obey what you read . . . God will never let you down.

Please read this out loud to find out what it says.

Perhaps you read: "God is nowhere." It also says, "God is now here." 96% of Americans believe in God, but to many His presence isn't what it could be. The Bible says, "In Him we live and move and have our being," but we are separated from Him by our sins: "Sin" is the breaking of God's Law - the Ten Commandments. Let's see if you've "sinned": Have you ever lied (even a "white" lie) or stolen (the value is irrelevant)? Then you are a lying thief. If you've lusted, you've committed adultery in your heart. If you've hated someone, the Bible says you are a murderer. If you have broken any of the Ten Commandments, you are in big trouble. On Judgment Day you'll be found guilty, and end up in Hell. But God sent His Son to die on the Cross for you. Jesus took your punishment, and then defeated death by rising from the dead. God is now here, so repent today and trust the Savior, and you will receive the gift of everlasting life. Read the Bible daily and obey what you read.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Todays thoughts

that's right....absolutely nothing!

Friday, January 06, 2006

Book Update

Well I am finally returning to my book that I started to write when I lived in California. I just read it again so I can remember the flow of the book and I began writing in it yesterday after almost a 9 month break (Due to us relocating to another state and all). I have almost 38,000 words written and I just finished chapter 11 yesterday. I have an outline for approximately 25 chapters.

Please pray that I would be able to finish this novel, get it copyrighted and published as soon as possible. My goal is to have all of this accomplished this year. So if you remember, please pray that the Lord would anoint my words and that he would receive all glory for what is written on the pages of this book.