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Saturday, August 01, 2009

Alone

Loneliness is strong and real, it scars and wounds my soul.
How can I express how I feel, when my heart is dark like coal?
Thoughts of death consume my mind; its freedom appeals to me
I long for the day of my last breath, as it will set me free

Why oh why does my heart fail, why does this pain go on?
I sit here as I weep and wail, alone; my old life’s gone
Withered, faded, bruised and beat, this is my lot these days
Just a man, I’m incomplete, devoured and betrayed.

Everything is meaningless, nothing new under the sun
So I sit here in distress, burned out, tore up, undone.
I feel as if my souls been raped, this pain won’t go away
I’m bound, I’m lost, I can’t escape, as I rot and decay.

I know this sounds gloomy and all, I know you may be shocked
But this is life behind my walls, where I am chained and locked.
Gloomy, black, tired, and weak; I now live in despair
I know this poem is very bleak, I really do not care.

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Friday, July 31, 2009

journal 7-31-09

I am so tired of being depressed.....I hate it.

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Thursday, July 30, 2009

Journal 7-30-09

I'm tired of being alone, even when I am around people, I am alone. I hate feeling so disconnected. I know its not always going to be this way, but I feel so isolated. Why oh why do I have to have this feeling in my life. I feel like I will never have a connection with a person who wont bore of me or tire of me or leave me. I fear this is my destiny.

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Saturday, July 25, 2009

Journal 7-25-09

i feel good today. I am still depressed to the core of my soul, but I feel alot better. I just wish this pain in my heart would go away before it kills me. But its been a good week, i am happier than I have been in a long time.

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Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Journal 7-15-09

it sucks being me sometimes.....

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Sunday, July 12, 2009

Journal 7-12-09

Depression sucks.

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Monday, June 29, 2009

Journal 6-29-09

I need a new beginning. I want to feel how I used to feel when I was on top of the world and thought everything was in the palm of my hand; yet those days are forever gone, fleeting alongside my youth. To cling to those days is just like grasping oil in the hand, its not possible.

I miss the days when I was confident and full of life, I just don't get it. You know I really don't get it at all. Why so sudden? Did you know I would be left all alone? Some days I wonder where I would be without you cuz I don't think it was wasted time with you in my life. I have no regrets about giving myself to you and am so grateful for that day you came into my life. I always thought you'd be here for me and yet now I fear I'm facing the world alone. Loneliness is my lot, my fate, my new reality. Did I know it would come to this? No, I should have saw it coming, but I was so clueless and now I live a life that I didn't ask for. Maybe i asked for it by my actions, maybe its what is deserved, but its not where I want to be.

Death is appealing in the sense that this life is the only thing that constantly separates me from you and your glory. How do people die to themselves on a regular basis, I am and can only be all I know and I can only be who I am. How do I deny the very thing I am? Even if I do deny myself, I am still left with me. I don't get it. I know in my heart of hearts that you have not abandonded me, I know in my mind that you are here, but my feelings tell me that I am lost and that you dont love me Jesus. I miss you Jesus.

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Thursday, June 25, 2009

journal 6/25/09

today is a better day.....

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Tuesday, June 23, 2009

you got your wish

Have you ever wanted to curl in a ball and die? If so, then we would be good company. I am not going to go kill myself, I have too much going on in my life to ever go that route. But depression does make it feel appealing. I hate these feelings. UGGGGG!!!!

I am logical enough and rational enough to know that feelings are just that, they will come and they will go. I just have to ride out this storm in my life (and there is no real storm right not), 0h and today's forecast is gloomy weather. Its dark and cold, and filled with flashes of thunderous horror. When it gets as dark as it is at the moment that I am in, I get a glimmer of joy and hope as my daughter comes in the room and just smiles and is herself. I will tell you, my kids are my savior alot of the time. They keep me sane and they keep me going. I'm still utterly depressed, but its with a smile on my face.

Thank you my three lovely children, you will never know how much you minsiter to my broken heart.

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Journal 6-23-09

I can't seem to shake my feelings of dispair that i have been having since saturday. I am not sure why I am so depressed, if the knotts were not in my stomach then it would be bearable.

Please make the bad man go away....!!!

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Sunday, June 21, 2009

Journal 6-21-09

Welcome to my hell. This is a place where the free are locked up and alone, but thats ok. I would rather be here alone where no one can get in and hurt me than to be out there with the world stomping on my heart. I understand that its human nature to do and say things that are careless and mean at times, so i dont hold any grudges against anyone at all. But its time to be a hermit. I dont want to get into a place where I dont like people, I would rather have the feelings of dispair and feelings of isolation than to start to despise people.

I am in a place where I no longer feel much. I do feel numbness and thats kinda nice. And I am in a place where I just dont care anymore about alot of things. I just dont care. There was a time when I actually did care, and I am sure in the far future I may care again, but for now, the walls are up and will be up for a while.

I sit here on my couch by myself cuz I would rather be alone than deal with or talk to people. I know that most my blogging seems to be more on the down side of the scale, but that's where i am at when i am in the mood to write. It doesn't mean I am always down, cuz I'm not, but it does mean when I write I am in that mood.

I have learned alot over the last 6 months, and I have changed my position on alot of things. I now believe that nothing last forever, and with that, its important to take in and cherish what you have because like the wind or a flower that blooms in the hot sun, it will quickly fade and you may never see it again. So cherish the moments in time that you are actually able to smile, because it wont last.

fear is my new friend, as i fear I will be one who dies alone. thats my lot.....

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Saturday, May 09, 2009

Journal 5/9/09

lonliness.......thats my lot these days.....

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Thursday, March 26, 2009

Journal 3/26/09

I am so depressed and my heart is broken. My friends son took his life on Monday, he was 25 years old. How I hate this world, it is so messed up and filled with disaster and grief. How I grieve with my friend. How I mourn alongside him and sob with him.

Oh God, please bring comfort to Craig and Roxanne. Please take this disaster, this nightmare, this horrendous heart wrenching tragedy and receive glory in teh midst of this. Please have mercy Jesus and please hold my friends and carry them through this. You are the only one who can give them peace in the midst of what they are experiencing....

I am so depressed and my heart is broken....

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Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Journal 3/24/09

I am struggling Lord, I hope that I hit the bottom soon so that all Ihave left is going up. I am tired of spiraling down out of control. I feel like i am caught in a tornado, spinning in every direction yet its chaos, its disasterous, its painful and the noise is so loud I drown out and cant be heard. I am alone, even in the midst of people, I am alone.

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Sunday, March 08, 2009

Journal 3/8/09

What is happening in my life? I feel so far away from who i thought I would be. I feel lost, consumed in loneliness and I feel like such a failure. I want to go back to that time when things were simple. I want to meet with Jesus again like I used to. I feel like my heart is so hard these days towards the Lord. I hate who I am and hate where i am.

Oh Jesus, please forgive me for everything I have done. I am a mess and my life apart from you has been a disaster. I don't know what to do. I feel like Peter who at one point took a step of faith and stepped out of the boat and started to walk on water, but then he began to sink. I don't feel like I have ever had the faith to walk on water, but i do feel like I am sinking in the oceans of regret and despair.

I am in a place now where I no longer can just return to the former days, they are long in the past, buried in another life. I need a new encounter with you Jesus. I am sinking, my life is a mess and the only way I can ever recover from my brokenness is by your hand reaching down and consuming me once again. I want to be consumed by you again.....how do I get to that place from where I am currently? I feel dead on the inside, a walking corpse with nothing to offer.

I don't know what to do Lord. I am lost without you and I don't like the way life is anymore. I want what I once had. I want to be a godly man, yet I find I do not have the power or consistency that godly men have.

I am lost, I am desperate, I am alone.

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Saturday, February 07, 2009

journal 2-7-09

Being unemployed sucks. I have never been unemployed and its hard getting up and not knowing what the day holds. But God is in control and i trust Him. Thats all i got for now....

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Monday, January 19, 2009

Journal 1/19/09

I am so tired today. I can barely keep my eyes open. I wish I had more strength. But I dont, I am wiped out completely.

I need some sleep.

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Friday, December 19, 2008

journal 12-19-08

As the year draws to a close, I cant help but feel the pain of the unexpected that has happened. Could things have been worse this year? Probably, but as the old Oregon saying goes, "it is what it is!"

I guess its time to just deal with the hand that has been dealt. Oh well.

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Thursday, December 04, 2008

Journal 12/4/08

Its time for another break on life. I am so burned out. See ya!!

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Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Journal 12-3/08

I am numb.

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Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Thoughts

My oldest son and I have been talking alot lately. Its been so refreshing and nice.

Journal 11/26/08

Not much going on these days. Just have to get the kids ready tonight to head over to the X-laws for thanksgiving. I have alot of driving to do this weekend, and that is not something that I am looking forward to. My car is acting up. I need to take it in the shop, but when?

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Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Tired

This is just a poem I wrote, dont read too much into it.....lol, its just a poem. I am not telling my friends to not call me, lol. I just wrote a poem only. Bill

I am tired. I am weak, I am overwhelmed and want to sleep.
I feel dead, I want to cry, I wish I could be alone and die
All this pain, all this hurt, fills my life, I feel like dirt
But I don’t care, I am depressed, I will live on, in my distress

People lie, they say they care, but their actions only cause despair.
And though I try to do what’s right, I always fail them in their sight.
I just cant, live for them, its to draining, as they condemn
So I will simply take a break, don’t bother me, for its too late.

Leave me alone, I done with all. Don’t bother me, and please don’t call.
I will live without you all, you have hurt me, there’s now a wall.
Its up high and built of stone, its purpose is for you, to leave me alone.
I am tired, I am weak, I am overwhelmed and want to sleep.

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Thursday, October 30, 2008

Journal 10/30/08

I am tired of people putting words in my mouth. You know who you are, please stop.

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Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Journal 10/28/08

Today is a good day although I am tired and sleepy. I am getting ready for my band to go into the studio the 1st week of December and I am really looking forward to it. We have worked so hard to get to this place and I hope our songs are solid and record worthy. Time will tell. I cant wait to start playing shows.

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Monday, October 27, 2008

Journal 10-27-08

Well, I have started to see a nice girl named Shannon. She is a sweetheart and I am really starting to like her. So I asked her to be my girlfriend last Friday, she said yes….woo hoo. She really is a sweet person and I am loving the newness of this. I am sure for some this may be too soon, and it may be, yet; I am really happy and I don’t think its too soon. There is no rule on when it is too soon or not to move on after a divorce.

I feel like there is life in my bones again. It feels good.

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Thursday, October 23, 2008

Journal 10-23-08

It has been a long time since I have written in my journal so frequently and consistently. You would think I would be exhausted by now, but so far so good. The single dad thing has not been to rough yet. I am not so foolish to believe that it wont get hard, but so far so good.

My kids are GREAT kids. They have such tender spirits and I am so blessed by them. Although, we went out to eat last night and I was so jealous. The kids devoured their food, they ate fast and they ate a lot. Not sure why they wont do that at home, lol. Actually I am pretty sure I know why……I hate cooking and they hate eating my cooking…..lol. Billy order macaroni and cheese, yet he wont eat mine. Come on now, I know my Mac and Cheese doesn’t taste that bad. Its from a box! My goodness, I actually do follow the directions.

Maybe I should open the box next time instead of cooking the noodles in the box? What do you think?

Things will balance out soon, I am sure. At some point in time, I will discover a food that they will eat…..until then……poor kids…hahaha.

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Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Journal 10/22/08

You know what? I am pretty anxious right now. I don’t know why, I just am. As I sit here thinking upon life, and what matters, my heart goes all over the place. Brokenness? Anger? Fear? Love? Passion? Sympathy? These are the things that cross my mind. This world is harsh. This world wants to devour humanity and the enemy of our souls is on the prowl waiting to crush all in his path. Yet there can still be beauty from ashes. You can still fall in love. You can love and be loved. You can still be there for those who have been hurt by the harshness of this world. Not all things that look bad are hopeless, thee is hope, its just not in this world.

So I am looking at things from this perspective as I write these words and if anyone I love is sick, or hurting, or reaping what they have sown, will I walk away from them? What if they have cancer? Or worse yet, what if they have HIV? Would I abandon the ones I love because of that? The answer is no. I am not going to leave you in your pain. I cant say I can be there in total perfection, but I will be there; because there will come a day when I will need you as well, that’s just a reality. We need each other to make it in this world. And if we cant be there for the ones we love, then shame on us. Shame on you and shame on me.

This dark world would be a better place if we would love as Christ loves. We have so much to offer the world. And this world has a lot to offer as well. Too bad the world only offers pain, suffering, disease, sickness, fear, anxiety, and hopelessness. But we, as believers in the living God, have something to offer the world. We can offer it love, stability, peace of mind, compassion, grace, tenderness, mercy, love and more love. We have an unlimited supply of Agape love that we can tap into and pour out upon those who have been devoured by the merciless one. We can be there for those in need. Will we rise to such an occasion? Only you can answer that for yourself. Only I can answer that for me.

I will not abandon those I love. Just know that. If you need my shoulder to cry on, then use it, I am here for you, no matter what this world may have done to you, I will be here for you. And if for whatever reason I cant be here for you because of my humanity and my failure as a human being, then I know the Lord Jesus can be here for you.

I have no idea why I am writing this, its just where my heart and mind is at the moment. I just want those of you who are hurting and in need to know that I am here if you need me. If its doesn’t matter 1000 years from now, then it doesn’t matter. I desire to major on the major and minor on the minors. I just hope I can live this way. I desire it, now its time to do it.

Jesus, please help me to live in a way that brings You honor. I have failed so many times in the past, but today is a new day, please help me to be there for those who you have placed in my life. Please give me a heart of tender compassion for people. I need you empty me of myself Lord and to replace me with your Spirit. Please do this in my life….I am desperate for You God. In Jesus name I ask you to give me a heart of compassion….Amen.

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Tuesday, October 21, 2008

My Thoughts

I am glad that Jessica and I are still friends.

Journal 10/21/08

My heart is getting hard.

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Monday, October 20, 2008

Journal 10/20/08

So yesterday, I helped Jessica move into her new apartment. Its actually a cute little place with a nice view. So today is the 1st official day that we live out our separate lives. Though we are already divorced, the stamp of permanence was placed on it yesterday. And its both liberating and hard. I am looking forward to organizing the house in a way that works for me. It is now time to de-clutter. I got the living room almost done yesterday and had started working on the kitchen and dining room when I just ran out of time and energy. So hopefully I can get some more of it done tonight after I feed the kids and get them in the bath then down for bed. I have a feeling it will take a lot longer than I want, but that’s ok. I am determined to get the house clutter free and looking good.

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Friday, October 17, 2008

Journal 10-17-08

Moving On! What does that mean? I am telling those around me that I am moving on and I really am. Does that mean that I have forgotten the last 8 years that I shared with Jessica as her husband? No. It just means that I am not going to live in the past. That means that I will pursue new things apart from Jessica (wow, can you believe I would say such a thing?). No worries, she will do the same thing as well. You know there actually is life after a divorce. Its not the end of the world. Yes its hard at times, but its not the end.

Dont get me wrong, I still struggle with depression, I still have my good days and bad days. But I am moving forward. I am moving onto the next chapter in my life (and I am excited about it too…please be excited with me). I am not even saying that the last chapter was a bad one, but to be honest, that chapter has ended and I am in the next chapter now. Its exciting and scary at the same time. Its filled with laughter and filled fear.

Just because I am moving on does not mean that I don’t have emotions or feelings or am so calloused that I cant feel anymore. If anything, I have learned to feel all over again. I have felt more pain and humiliation, fear, regret, anger, hatred and stress than most people. But I have also begun to feel love, joy, happiness, contentment, passion, humility, grace, and the list goes on.

I have learned a valuable lesson. EVERYONE has an opinion on how long I should grieve, or if I am moving to fast or slow in my next chapter in my life. But you cant live this out for me. I have to figure this out and work through these things myself. I am ok, I really am and I am sorry if I offend you because I am moving forward at a pace that you disagree with. But I think its even more unhealthy to live in a fantasy world. So please quit giving me grieve because I am not sulking as you think I ought to sulk.

I have done enough crying and sobbing and weeping, I am done. I have (are you ready for this?) I have moved on……!

Sorry this sounds harsh, but I get overwhelmed when people cant leave this alone. Again, this is not directed at anyone in particular, I am just venting my emotions and working through this in a way that works for me. I love you all very much, and I am so grateful you are in my life but let me sort this out and if I move to fast or too slow, then so what. I am bound to make mistakes, I will learn from them. But I have to do this in a way that works for me. Please respect that.

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Thursday, October 16, 2008

Journal 10-16-08

So yeah, things have changed and I am finally ok with it. I have moved on in my life and I really look forward to the new direction life has taken me. Dont get me worng, transition is never easy and rarely fun, I know it will not be easy, but thats what I love about life. There are new challenges, new mistakes to be made, new goals and just newness in general. So though I will never replace those whom I love or have loved in my life, I am moving forward and moving on. Exciting times are before me and I look forward to the new direction and new challenges that life has to offer.

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Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Journal 10-14-08

Time keeps ticking, cant seem to stop it.

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Friday, October 10, 2008

Journal 10-10-08

Well, its over now. As of yesterday Jessica and I are no longer Jessica and I. Yes the truth is out there for the world to know and disect. We are divorced. Our marriage is over. What once was in no more and will never be again.

Life takes some very interesting twist and turns......

Am I happy? no.

Am I sad? no.

I am just numb, and tired and ready to move on to the next chapter in my life. I dont know what else to say.....

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Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Journal 9-16-08

I am in a place where confusion greets me with a warm smile more than anyone else. I am tired. I am at a loss. Why do good things turn out so badly at times? “Why” is a question that I ask often. Why is this world so deceptive? Why do we buy into the lies of the enemy without even thinking twice? I am so guilty of living in deception that it makes me angry. It makes me frustrated and now I feel numb. The fight is not in me anymore and I want to lay my head down and say goodnight. I am so tired of uncertainty and yet that is all this world offers. There are not promises of certainty on this side of eternity.

Please don’t get me wrong, I am not hopeless. I do believe that the Lord Jesus can restore, heal, mend and do all the things that seem impossible. I am just in a place of sobriety as I see the dark forces of this world wage a war against humanity and against any and all things that God has called good. What sucks is that I tend to find myself in these wars (whether that means I am fighting on the wrong side or whether I am a victim to the schemes of the evil one) and all I can do at this moment in time is lay here wounded as I wait for my redeemer to come one day (soon I hope).

I want to fight yet I am just so wiped out. I have lost all sense of the meaning of living in that place of total dependence and intimacy with Jesus. And maybe this trial in my life is what I need to cause me to see the Lord who is Mighty and powerful do that wonderful work in the midst of chaos and destruction. So I am not hopeless yet at the same time its very difficult to see things get restored. So I struggle with faith, reality, and that daily question, “will God restore my family or will he work in the midst of this destruction?”

That is my dilemma. I don’t have the answers. God could do one or the other. He could restore or he could heal in the midst of tragedy. But I hate being in this place…..just so you know…..

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Saturday, August 30, 2008

Journal 8/30/08

One thing that is constant is the fact that things always change. Apart from God Himself and eternity, everything changes. Nothing last forever in this world and it would be wise of us if we simply took a second and just enjoyed the blessings that we have been given before the time comes and those blessings are gone. Because here is a truth.....it won't last. Friends come and go, people die, relationships end, people move away or commit to other things. Kids grow up and move out, and when all is said and done, what's left? If we do not value those moments, those tiny glimpses when we have those we love around us, then we have missed out on some of the most wonderful times we could ever have. So hear the words of wisdom from a broken man……cherish those who are in your life. Enjoy them, love them so that when the time comes and they are no longer in your life you can fall back and cherish those times that you both walked this earth hand in hand.

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Monday, August 25, 2008

Journal 8/25/08

What can I say? Things are chaotic and I am overwhelmed in ways I never dreamed possible. The tides of despair from this monstrous storm have crashed upon my tear stained face and I can no longer stand. I am an utter mess. I am unable to comprehend the depths of this tragedy that plagues my soul. What a mess. What a disaster! What a horrific nightmare that grabs me at my throat and tries to strangle the life out of me. I can’t breathe. I need to catch my breath yet these toxic fumes of hell surround me and I have no place to retreat to. I am hopeless.

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Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Journal 8-6-08

So its been awhile since i have been here. Life has taken its toll on me and I am no longer able to collect my thoughts in a way which allows me to pour out my heart on paper in the ways that i so desire. I am sure if I tried, then it would not be all that difficult to do so, but i have lost my desire to write. I am sure it will come back one day, its here today, it may say, who knows, but life is just too difficult at the moment to put any thought into anything at all. So I sit back and live in apathy to numb the torment and the raging wars that go on inside of me.



Its a season of dread, regret, uncertainty, confusion and torment. Yet here I am, treading in this nightmare, alone in the true sense of the word. I actually prefer being alone this way for when I am alone the demons can haunt me all they want and no one will notice, no one will care, no one will make fun of me and no one will abhor and detest me. So alone I will be, its liberating to me. I am free. There is a joy and in taking my burdens alone to Jesus. He hears me even when I cant speak. I love you Jesus. You know me inside and out and You have chosen me. You are devoted to me no matter what. I am so beyond blessed to have You in my life Lord.



So though I am alone, I really am not. I have never been in a worse and better place at the same time. Its interesting to me. I love you Jesus.

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Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Journal 6/10/08

It's been so long since I have written anything. My heart has been all over the world and back over the last few months. So much has changed yet so much has stayed the same. I have no words at this time in my life.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Journal 4/15/08!

Death. We are told that it is the final frontier and in some ways that is true. Those of us alive have never experienced death personally and so we don’t know what it looks like in a personal way. We can only guess or choose to believe by faith what really happens on the other side. We can only guess if there is another side. Because in and of ourselves; we just do not know the answer to what happens when we die. It is an unexplored place that leaves more questions at times than answers.

Yet I am thankful that I know someone who personally experienced death and came back to life and he has personally told me what is on the other side. It makes all the difference in the world when a person who you trust; has been there and knows what is on the other side. He has shared with me what happens when a person dies and he did indeed die himself. And to come back from the dead and to actually share with me what happens is amazing to me. So is there something on the other side of death? Yes there is something on the other side, and I don’t just say that from faith alone but from a person that I trust who has been there and knows what its like.

So though it may be the final frontier for some; or most, for me it wont be because I know what is on the other side. That brings me comfort…

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Journal 4/15/08

Death: the end of excuses, the beginning of eternity!

Religion: a mirage - Jesus: reality

You don’t have to be brain-dead to live for Jesus, but when you are, you’ll be glad you did.

When you’re in love with God, even tragedies become ministering angels, helping you to ever-increasing Christ-likeness. If your blossom is dying, it’s so that the fruit can grow.

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Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Journal 4/8/08

So it has been a challenging couple of weeks as I try to determine the Lords will with music and balancing my dream with reality and then balancing making hard decisions without trying to hurt those that I love. The decision has been made, yet my heart breaks with those who are hurt by the outcome or the process in which all this came about. My heart is desperately wicked, and yet the Lords heart in me desires to see all those in my immediate circle to trust Him and to come to Him for healing. All I can do is mess things up at best. Yet the Lord in His incredible grace has the tools needed to restore and heal all of us who are hurting, who are bleeding and feel left for dead on the wayside.

I am so bummed that you are hurt. I am so saddened to see you sit on the sidelines and suffer knowing that I am part of the reason why your are feeling so insecure and confused. I am the reason why your world is turned upside down. I do wish that I would not have received your blessing before you were ready to give it, I don't say this in a malicious way, but because you bring me so much joy, and happiness and when I see you struggle, it really breaks my heart. I may not have alot of emotion on the outside, but I do on the inside and you mean so much to me. I want to see you work through this and get to the other side but I don’t want to see you struggle. Yet I cant have you reach the other side until you struggle through this; and that is such a torture to see.

Father,

Please bring clarity and healing and forgiveness. Please restore fellowship where it is hindered and broken. Please remove the enemy from this and remove his influence and let all of us see with total clarity You in all Your glory. You are what everything is about. You and your love for people who deserve nothing but judgment and condemnation. Yet you love the scum of the earth and you seek to save them before its too late. Please give us all Your heart, Your passion, and Your vision. In Jesus name and on His merits I ask these things….So be it!

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Friday, March 28, 2008

Pins and needles

Pins and needles. That is what I feel like I am walking on today…. I hate feeling this way.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Today's thoughts!

Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God and keep His commandments, For this is man’s all. For God will bring every work into judgment, including every secret thing, Whether good or evil.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Journal 2/28/08

How do I love more and more? How do I walk properly towards those who are outside and are not believers? How do I become more passionate towards Jesus yet stay balanced at the same time? How do I cause others to become passionate for Jesus as well? I have no idea.

Oh God of peace, please sanctify me completely so that I am blameless when you return. Give me wisdom and insight into Your wonderful word. Please help me to understand Your word and help me to engage others so that they may see You in the Word. Oh Faithful Father, Your gospel is good. It is powerful and liberating. Your Holy Spirit brings so much joy and I praise You Holy Father.

How I wait for Your Son from heaven. I long to see the face of Jesus my God. How long Lord? How much longer before You return for Your people the Jews and the Gentiles? Help me to be a man who labors night and day for the things of Your kingdom. Help me to walk worthy of Your calling God. Help me to receive Your word that comes forth from Your mouth. Oh Jesus, make me to abound in grace and love. Oh help me not to engage my heart in ungodly passion but passion that is controlled by the Spirit. I long to see Your face Jesus. I want to hear You laugh and to see Your smile. I want to feel Your hug and to hear Your heart beat as I lay my head upon Your chest. I want to know You Jesus. I want to really know You in ways that I have yet to know You.

Oh help me to look for Your return in a practical way. Help me to keep my eyes looking up into the sky as I look for You to return for Your people, for Your bride. I long for Your salvation Jesus! I long to be glorified and without sin. I want to be with You. I want to be where You are. I want to be in Your midst and saturated by Your presence. Lord, how can I glorify Your name in my life? Please show me and personally teach me.

Lord, will You please lead my life? I want to be found where You are and led by Your Spirit. Please baptize me in the Holy Spirit and consume my life in Yours. I want so badly for You Jesus to by my inheritance. I need You so desperately in my life. I want to hear Your voice and to behold Your glory. Come Lord Jesus, come back to earth and come for Your people. Deliver us from the wickedness of this world.

Bill

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Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Journal 2/26/08

Lord God,

You have had your hand directly and indirectly involved in the lives of men and women throughout history. Your hand of protection has preserved the children of Israel to this day. Thank you. I desire to be a clean vessel dad, but I can’t clean myself. Please wash me and use me in the course of your historical plan. I desire to do as you have created me to do. I long to fulfill my destiny Jesus. What is my destiny?

You see all things and know that I am in desperate need of your grace. I hunger for you Jesus. I cannot settle for anything less that personal contact with you. I must have you lest I die Jesus. Please have favor upon me. Please bless the work of my hands and cleanse me from the inside out.

Do I love You Jesus? Do I love the Father? Do I love the Helper, the Spirit of Truth who testifies of You? I long to be intimate with my God. I want to know the depths and height, length and width of Your glory and of You. I desire that our heart beats be so entwined that they beat the same beat.

Oh declare to me Your wonders. Declare to me Your ways. Please return for me and fill me with your Holy Spirit. Please baptize me in Your Holy Spirit. Come upon me, be with me and in me. Take my life Jesus and make my life Yours. I need you so desperately in my life. Oh please share the Father with me plainly.

When will the hour come of Your 2nd Coming? You finished the work of the Father and I want to follow in Your foot steps in that I desire to finish the work that You have laid out before me. I want to have an eternal perspective in everything that I do Jesus. Please take this life of mine and make it Yours. Keep me in your love, I have no faith in me. All my faith is in You alone.

Send me into the world Lord and empower me to be a vessel of honor; an ambassador of the Kingdom to come in which You will reign. You are my righteous Father and I desire to declare Your name to the lost. Please help me to live in a way that heaven is always on my mind, where You are always on my mind.

Your prophetic word is so amazing. I am in awe at the details of what you have said in Your wonderful word. You truly do know the end from the beginning and I am thankful for that. Oh God, have mercy on me, cleanse me from my sin and lead me in the ways of everlasting.

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Monday, February 25, 2008

Journal 2-25-08

So today was a milestone for me. I have the bible on mp3 now and I actually listened to the entire book of Genesis today. All 50 chapters. And I didnt stop there, I also listened to 1st and 2nd Corinthians. By doing so I was able to see the heart of God more and the tragedy of man. Death, suffering, deceit, all of that is a byproduct of the fall of man. And it broke my heart today. And o know that God loved me enough to send Jesus on my behalf so that He could have fellowship with me, just blows me away. God is in love with me, with us and I am in awe at that.

So anyways, I know it is a random thought, but sometimes my thoughts are all over the place.

Bill

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Sunday, February 24, 2008

How it all started.

This is the story of events that led me to the day when I came face to face with God's everlasting love.


I was 17 years old, and my cousin asked me if I would like to go to camp for a week. I said sure, but how much is it? He told me that it was about $250.00. I told him, that I didn't have that kind of money. So he offered to pay for me. But as the time grew closer to going, I didn't want to go. I tried what any other 17-year-old person would do, I tried to convince my brother to go. My mom told me that I had to go, because my cousin had already paid my way. I don't remember much about the week at camp, but I do remember one night. I remember it very well.

It was Wednesday, August 20th, 1991. We had church that night just like every other night. But this time the service was about the end times. It started out with music. The worship team played a song called "Billy waited to long". It was about a guy named Billy who rejected God & died, he waited to long. Well, the fact that my name is Billy, lets just say that it got my attention.


The speaker then spoke about the end times. He would read from the bible & then read the fulfillment of the prophecy from newspapers, from Time magazine. As he was sharing, a bat flew into the building. The speaker stopped & said that this was Satan trying to distract us, then he led us in prayer. My cousin said that last year the power went out & they had to wait in the dark for a few minutes before the generators turned on. After his prayer, the speaker said, "If you are a believer, then I want you to leave the building quietly. If you would like to ask Jesus to be your Lord & Savior, then stay where you are. If you want to rededicate your life to Him, then you stay too." (That was totally the Lord, because I would have never gone forward).

Everyone left, except for the counselors & those who wanted to be saved, including myself. The counselor told me that we needed to pray. I said, cool. He asked me if I wated to go first, to which I told him that I did not want to pray out loud, I didn't know how to pray & I didn't want to make a fool of myself. He said that he would lead me in a prayer & I should follow him in it, I figured I could handle that. When we finished I went back to the cabin. Mind you, the whole week, someone was always in there. But this night it was empty.

I climbed on the top bunk bed and started asking God, Why would you want me? I cuss, I party, I sleep with my girlfriend & I smoke, why would you want me?

I had my cousin’s bible (he had given it to me); it was all marked up & had papers in it. I also asked the Lord, "Please don’t let anyone come in here & see me when I'm emotional." As I was getting back on my bed (had to use the bathroom), I asked God again, "Why would you want me?" Just then a paper fell out of the bible. It read, " I love you very, very, very, very, very much", that was it for me, I was crying & I told God, "I believe you. I give you my life".


And that’s how I met Jesus. Do you know what is cool? God answered my little prayer, and no one came into the cabin.

So now, when people ask me how did I find God? I tell them, I didn't. I tell them that God was never lost, I was.

He found me.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Journal 2/21/08

Sometimes it really is a battle to live out your convictions. I long to be a man who lives according to the Word of God. It is weird because I really desire to be a man of passion and in a sense I am. Yet at the same time I really struggle with being a slave to my passions and there is a real battle there for me. I love passion when it is not tainted by the sin nature, but those times when it is; I really struggle to make good decisions based upon my conviction as my passion in those moments are stronger and more compelling than my convictions.

How do I balance this? I want to be passionate but not at the cost of compromise. Oh Jesus, my eyes are lifted up to you in hope that you will be able to deliver me from this body of death. Please baptize me in the Holy Spirit and consume my every thought and action. I am calling out to you by faith and simply ask you to help me engage my heart in things that would bring you the most glory.

Bill

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Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Journal 2/19/08

My memories haunt me. I wonder what my thoughts would be if I knew that I was going to die today. What would I regret? What would I change? What would I desire to do over again? I know that I will have so many tears of regret on that day; yet I find that in my experience it is so difficult to live out my life in a way that keeps an eternal perspective.

When the day finally does arrive and I leave this world; no one is going to do it with me. What I mean is that when I die, I will die alone and therefore I must be prepared to stand before the Lord alone. And that doesn’t scare me as much as it shames me. What I mean is that I am not afraid to stand before the Lord as I know that he loves me and that he has forgiven my sins. What I fear is the shame that I will feel and experience when all the things that I have done are exposed and laid out before the Lord. I am a wretched man in need of mercy, grace and forgiveness. Oh, soul, why is it that you take pleasure in wickedness?

I know where I have been and I know that when I finally get to see Jesus face to face, when I finally get to see the scars in his hands and feet, I will be so embarrassed and shamed from all the things that my wicked heart embraced. I really am a wretch and hate it when I do not choose to do what I know is right.

Jesus, please cleanse me from my past, present and future. Please help me to walk in your ways 100% of the time. Please clean me Jesus as I am unable to so myself.

Love,

Bill

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Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Interesting Study - Chuck Missler

Q & A: Where did you find the meanings of the names in Genesis 5?
The background behind the genealogy in Genesis 5 is one of our most frequently asked questions.
Since the ten Hebrew names are proper names, they are not translated but only transliterated to approximate the way they were pronounced. The meaning of proper names can be a difficult pursuit since direct translations are not readily available. Many study aids, such as conventional lexicons, can prove superficial when dealing with proper names. Even a conventional Hebrew lexicon can prove disappointing. A study of the original roots, however, can yield some fascinating insights. (It should be recognized, however, that the views concerning the meaning and significance of the original roots are not free of controversy and are subject to variant readings. This is why we receive so many questions or comments on variations.)

Adam

The first name, Adam, comes from adomah, and means "man." As the first man, that seems straightforward enough.

Seth

Adam's son was named Seth, which means "appointed." When he was born Eve said, "For God hath appointed me another seed instead of Abel, whom Cain slew."

Enosh

Seth's son was called Enosh, which means "mortal," "frail," or "miserable." It is from the root anash: to be incurable; used of a wound, grief, woe, sickness, or wickedness. (It was in the days of Enosh that men began to defile the name of the Living God.1 )

Kenan

Enosh's son was named Kenan, from which can mean "sorrow," dirge," or "elegy." (The precise denotation is somewhat elusive; some study aids unfortunately presume an Aramaic root synonymous with "Cainan.") Balaam, looking down from the heights of Moab, employed a pun upon the name of the Kenites when he prophesied their destruction.2

Mahalalel

Kenan's son was Mahalalel, from mahalal, which means "blessed" or "praise"; and El, the name for God. Thus, Mahalalel means "the Blessed God." Often Hebrew names included El, the name of God, as Dani-el, "God is my Judge," Nathani-el, "Gift of God," etc.

Jared

Mahalalel's son was named Jared, from the verb yaradh, meaning "shall come down." Some authorities suggest that this might have been an allusion to the "Sons of God" who "came down" to corrupt the daughters of men, resulting in the Nephilim ("Fallen Ones") of Genesis 6.3

Enoch

Jared's son was named Enoch, which means "teaching," or "commencement." He was the first of four generations of preachers. In fact, the earliest recorded prophecy was by Enoch, which amazingly enough deals with the Second Coming of Christ.4

Methuselah

The Flood of Noah did not come as a surprise. It had been preached on for four generations. But something strange happened when Enoch was 65, from which time "he walked with God." Enoch was given a prophecy that as long as his son was alive, the judgment of the flood would be withheld; but as soon as he died, the flood would be sent forth.

Enoch named his son to reflect this prophecy. The name Methuselah comes from two roots: muth, a root that means "death"5 ; and from shalach, which means "to bring," or "to send forth." Thus, the name Methuselah signifies, "his death shall bring."6

And, indeed, in the year that Methuselah died, the flood came. Methuselah was 187 when he had Lamech, and lived 782 years more. Lamech had Noah when he was 182.7 The Flood came in Noah's 600th year.8 187 + 182 + 600 = 969, Methuselah's age when he died.9

It is interesting that Methuselah's life was, in effect, a symbol of God's mercy in forestalling the coming judgment of the flood. It is therefore fitting that his lifetime is the oldest in the Bible, symbolizing the extreme extensiveness of God's mercy.

Lamech

Methuselah's son was named Lamech, a root still evident today in our own English word, "lament" or "lamentation." Lamech suggests "despairing." (This name is also linked to the Lamech in Cain's line who inadvertently killed his son Tubal-Cain in a hunting incident. 10 )

Noah

Lamech, of course, is the father of Noah, which is derived from nacham , "to bring relief" or "comfort," as Lamech himself explains. 11
The Composite List
Hebrew


Adam - Man
Seth - Appointed
Enosh - Mortal
Kenan - Sorrow
Mahalalel - The Blessed God
Jared - Shall come down
Enoch - Teaching
Methuselah - His death shall bring
Lamech - The despairing
Noah - Rest, or comfort

Here are the meaning of the names in plain English:

Man apponted mortal sorrow, The blessed God shall come down teaching his death shall bring the desparing comfort.

Here is a summary of God's plan of redemption, hidden here within a genealogy in Genesis! You will never convince me that a group of Jewish rabbis deliberately "contrived" to hide the "Christian Gospel" right here in a genealogy within their venerated Torah!

Evidences of Design

The implications of this discovery are far more deeply significant than may be evident at first glance. It demonstrates that in the earliest chapters of the Book of Genesis, God had already laid out His plan of redemption for the predicament of mankind. It is the beginning of a love story, ultimately written in blood on a wooden cross which was erected in Judea almost 2,000 years ago.

This is also one of many evidences that the Bible is an integrated message system, the product of supernatural engineering. This punctures the presumptions of many who view the Bible as a record of an evolving cultural tradition, noble though it may be. It claims to be authored by the One who alone knows the end from the beginning,12 despite the fact that it is composed of 66 separate books, penned by some 40 authors, spanning several thousand years.13

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Journal 1/23/08

Death – no one escapes it. One out of one will die and it is always a tragedy when it happens to someone you know or admire. Yet we fail to realize the seriousness of the frailty of life and the seriousness of the afterlife. If we have not given our lives to Jesus the reality is that we will be in a very harsh reality and wake up call when we die. Oh my heart is broken for those who die without knowing the only One who can save them from Hell. Oh the depths of regret one will have on that day when they take their last breath if they have not given themselves to the One who loves them with a passion.

I can’t even begin to imagine what the horror would be like if I were to close my eyes for the last time only to open them up in a place of torments. To go from living out the American dream to weeping and gnashing my teeth would be so tragic, yet that is the reality for many, many people.

When will we Christians wake up to this reality and start sharing the life giving good news? When will we lose our fear of rejection and start pouring out our lives in reaching the lost before its too late for them? I have the same fear as all of you, but life is to frail and one minute we are here thinking we will live forever and the next minute our time is up and we are in eternity.

I can hear and feel the heart of God weeping over those who reject him. I can hear the sobs of God over those who choose to ignore his pleading. His heart is broken over the death of the those who refuse to deal with the reality of what awaits in the afterlife.

Jesus has done everything that is possible to be with us. He gave everything, he gave his life away for us; just to be with us. Time is running out, we MUST get outside of the four walls of the church and start sharing this reality.

Every 1.5 seconds someone enters eternity, and that someone could be someone you know personally. What will you do with the time allotted to you? Will you love that person enough to warn them of what’s to come? Or will you cave into your fear and refuse to warn them? You were created in this time and age to reach your generation. What you do with this time is up to you, please use it wisely.

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Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Romans 9:1-5 - A Heart for the Lost

I taught this to the high school kids this last Sunday

Romans 9:1-5
(A heart for the lost)

“1 I tell the truth in Christ, I am not lying, my conscience also bearing me witness in the Holy Spirit, 2 that I have great sorrow and continual grief in my heart. 3 For I could wish that I myself were accursed from Christ for my brethren, my countrymen according to the flesh, 4 who are Israelites, to whom pertain the adoption, the glory, the covenants, the giving of the law, the service of God, and the promises; 5 of whom are the fathers and from whom, according to the flesh, Christ came, who is over all, the eternally blessed God. Amen.”

Let’s pick it up in verse two. “that I have great sorrow & continual grief in my heart…” The word “Great Sorrow” is used for people who mourn. All throughout the gospels it is used for people who mourn. It’s amazing to me that Paul had this heart that was inwardly mourning. He felt as though he had lost a loved one.

I don’t know if you have ever lost a loved one, but I have. And when Paul uses a word here that describes mourning & great sorrow, I say, Paul you are crazy. Because I understand mourning, I have been there. I understand the depths of the pain that even crying can't relieve.

I can remember many sleepless nights filled with the terror of grief for my son. I can remember not even being able to function properly. I had no one to talk to, my life was completely torn apart. I felt as though something inside of me had died.

I can remember the 1st day that I lost my oldest son. I was young & naive. My sons mother & I were living together with her parents & we were having a hard time with her mother. I had become a believer & her family really wanted nothing more to do with me. I thought that it was only her mother that was thinking that way, I had no clue that my sons mother thought that way also.

Well, we got into an argument with my ex-girlfriends mother & my ex asked me if we could go to Arizona for a while to get away. It was about 10:00PM & I asked her how did she expect us to get there because we had no money. She told me to call my grandmother & see if I could borrow $100 dollars. So I called & asked my grandmother for money & she said yes, she could tell something was wrong, because I wouldn’t tell her what I needed the money for. I just told her that it was an emergency.

Where we lived & where my grandmother lived had about a 60 mile gap between the two cities. My ex told me to drop her off at the house & she would pack up while I get the money. So I took her home & I did about ninety miles an hour to get to my grandma’s house. She loaned me the money, it was around 11:00PM when I had got there & I raced back to get my son & my ex. When I got back to the house around midnight, they were all gone.

They were gone. The locks had been changed in those two hours that I was gone & my son was gone. I called my grandmother collect at 12:30AM that night. She didn’t even know who I was. I was sobbing so hard that I could not even talk. It took all that I could to muster up the strength to get my name out to her in a way that she could comprehend. I was mourning. I had lost my one & only son. My grandmother talked me into driving back to her house & stay with her there. That was 13 years ago.

So when Paul says, “that he has great sorrow & continual grief in his heart”, that hits home with me. Because I understand mourning & I have been there. I understand the anguish within the heart. All you can do is fall to the ground & convulsively sob & groan & shake. That is all you can do.

And Paul says here, “I have great sorrow, there is mourning in my heart. Not only is there great sorrow in my heart, but there is also continual grief & unceasing torment afflicting my soul.” Now if I were to read this verse only as Paul is saying that he has continual sorrow & unceasing grief & torment. I would be tempted to come up to Paul & ask him:

“What happened to you? Was it your wife who left you because you were a Christian? Is that what is causing you all of this heart ache? Did your dad die? Are you experiencing financial burdens? Is this sorrow from the persecution that you are receiving from being a believer? What is it Paul?”

Paul says, “No, it’s not any of those things. Those things don’t bother me. This is something that is way worse than all of those combined.” Look at what he says, Romans 9:3 – “3 For I could wish that I myself were accursed from Christ for my brethren, my countrymen according to the flesh.”

What was it that caused Paul to have great sorrow & mourning in his heart? It was the fact that his fellow Hebrews were going to Hell. It drove Paul nuts. The only way that Paul could express the anguish of his soul was through convulsing sobs.

Now there is something that we need to understand. Paul says that his sorrow & grief are for his countrymen. The Jews were not nice to Paul. In fact, the Jews were the cause of the majority of Paul’s problems. By this time in Paul’s life, these guys had whipped him 195 times. He received 195 lashings on his back by his countrymen.

Could you imagine mourning for a group of people who were responsible of tearing your back to shreds by whipping you 195 times? These guys would follow Paul around wherever Paul would go & start riots & mobs. They would attack him. Can you imagine having a heart for someone like that. All these people wanted to do was kill him.

This blows me away. “Paul says that he has continual sorrow & grief for someone who hates him.” He goes on to say in Romans 9:3, “For I could wish that I myself were accursed from Christ for my brethren.”

The word “Accursed” means that Paul wished that if it were at all possible, that he could be Damned to hell instead so that these Jews who hated him could come to Christ.

I don’t know about you, but I do know about me. I don’t have this heart for those who love me, which means that I definitely don’t have this heart for my enemies either. My prayer is that God would give us His heart. I pray that God would speak to us & convict us.

We get so caught up in our little lives & we tend to think that our plans & hobbies, our goals & activities are so important. We tend to think that they have to be done & we go through life forgetting that each & every day people die & go to Hell. Does that even move you to have compassion for those who are going to hell? I pray that it does.

This reality does not even enter into our minds. We don’t even think about it. Since the beginning of the church, there have been men & women who have opened up their hearts to God. They have asked God to take His heart & place it into their hearts.

They say, “I want You Lord, to take the way that You feel & cause that to be the way that I feel. Lord, whatever moves you, I want that same thing to move me.” And since the beginning of the church, there have been people who God has been able to use to stain this world with the blood of Jesus Christ through their lives.
Today God is looking for a man or a woman whom He could use to stain this world with the blood of Jesus Christ. God desires to use our lives for His glory. God wants to use us to bring people into salvation. Today, in our age of technology & science, God is looking for a man or a woman. God is looking for ANYONE, it doesn’t matter who it is. ANYBODY.

God is looking for someone who will say, “Here I am use me. Lord, I won’t get caught up in this worlds system. I won’t just pass through life without praying for the lost & without telling people about Jesus Christ. Lord, I won’t go through this life just living out my will because my life is not my life anyways.”

There was a Scottish Reformer by the name of John Knox. And it was said of John Knox that he would be there in bed next to his wife. He would look over to his wife & say, “How can anyone sleep? PEOPLE ARE GOING TO HELL!!!” So he would rise up out of bed & go upstairs & his wife would occasionally sneak up stairs & see him in the middle of the night pleading for the lost.

He would pray, “GOD GIVE ME SCOTLAND LEST I DIE!!! How could anyone sleep when people are going to hell?”

Bob Pierce is another man I would like to mention. Do you know who he is? He is the man who founded World Vision & The Samaritan Purse. Franklin Graham is now the CEO of the Samaritan Purse. Bob Pierce died in 1978.

Billy Graham writes in one of his books about Bob Pierce & he says how he always hated sleeping in the same room as Bob Pierce. The reason he hated it was because Bob Pierce would pray for four hours every single night no matter where he was. It didn’t matter who he was with, he prayed & he prayed out loud.
Can you imagine sleeping in a room with someone who cries out for four hours a night in prayer? Billy Graham goes on to say, “How can you get in the flesh with someone who cries out to God for four hours every night?” Bob Pierce was a man who was transformed by the love of God. He was a man who God was able to use to do great exploits for God. He was a man who allowed God to change his heart.

Vs. 3) “Paul said that I wish that I could be damned to hell…” Paul did not say this lightly he knew what hell was all about & he wished that he could go instead of his countrymen. He says in Philippians 1:21-25, “that he is willing to stay out of heaven so that he could strengthen the church.” So Paul is willing to go to hell for the non-believer & he is willing to stay out of heaven for the believer.

Now in Luke 16:19-31 Jesus tells a true story of what Hades is like.
“19 “There was a certain rich man who was clothed in purple and fine linen and fared sumptuously every day. 20 But there was a certain beggar named Lazarus, full of sores, who was laid at his gate, 21 desiring to be fed with the crumbs which fell from the rich man’s table. Moreover the dogs came and licked his sores. 22 So it was that the beggar died, and was carried by the angels to Abraham’s bosom. The rich man also died and was buried. 23 And being in torments in Hades, he lifted up his eyes and saw Abraham afar off, and Lazarus in his bosom. 24 “Then he cried and said, ‘Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus that he may dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue; for I am tormented in this flame.’ 25 But Abraham said, ‘Son, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things, and likewise Lazarus evil things; but now he is comforted and you are tormented. 26 And besides all this, between us and you there is a great gulf fixed, so that those who want to pass from here to you cannot, nor can those from there pass to us.’ 27 “Then he said, ‘I beg you therefore, father, that you would send him to my father’s house, 28 for I have five brothers, that he may testify to them, lest they also come to this place of torment.’ 29 Abraham said to him, ‘They have Moses and the prophets; let them hear them.’ 30 And he said, ‘No, father Abraham; but if one goes to them from the dead, they will repent.’ 31 But he said to him, ‘If they do not hear Moses and the prophets, neither will they be persuaded though one rise from the dead.’””
As of right now, when a person dies who is not born again, they go to Hades. Hades is a place of torment. One day this place called Hades will be cast into the lake of fire as described in Revelation 20:11-15.

Paul knew all about this. Paul knew that Hades would be thrown into hell one day. When Paul wrote Romans 9:3, he wasn’t just saying it because he was all emotional. “Oh how I wish that I myself would be accursed that my countrymen might be saved.” This was in Paul’s heart, he knew how real Hades was. He knew how real hell was.

It says here in Luke 16:22, that the rich man died & was buried. You need to know that it is not over when you die & are buried, there is more to come. Vs. 23, Notice the word “Torments”. He was in torments, it’s plural. He wasn’t just experiencing one torment, but numerous torments. There were many different kinds of torments & circumstances that were thrust upon him. HE WAS IN TORMENTS!!!

Vs. 24) “24 “Then he cried and said, ‘Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus that he may dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue; for I am tormented in this flame.’”

What does the person in Hell experience? They experience TORMENTS!!! This rich man who mistreated this guy Lazarus was being tormented in this flame & he was begging that he could get just a drop of water on his tongue. He was begging for just a little bit of comfort. He was looking for something that could just temporarily minimize his torment for just a second.

Think about this for a second, If you were dying of thirst, would a drop of water satisfy you? What if you were in flames? No way, but this rich guy was in so much torment, that he begged Abraham to have Lazarus dip his finger in water & cool his flaming tongue.

Do you know that this is a true story? This is a true story that Jesus told us about 2000 years ago. Do you know what that means? That means that for the last two-thousand years, for every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year of every decade of every century of every millennium, this rich man has been crying out these same words.

He has been saying, “I am tormented in this flame!!!” We read this story & we just think that this is a story. BUT IT’S NOT JUST A STORY, IT’S A TRUE STORY!!!

Jesus left heaven & died on a cross for this particular mans sin. And for two-thousand years this man has been crying out the same thing. “PLEASE, IS THERE IS ANYBODY, WHO CAN JUST DIP THEIR FINGER IN SOME WATER & COOL MY TONGUE, FOR I AM TORMENTED IN THIS FLAME!!!”

Look at what it says in Verse 28-31. Look at what he says. “I have five brothers, please tell them so that they won’t come to this place of torment.” If God would open up Hades & give us a glimpse of what is going on there. If God would allow you to hear the cries of the souls that are in Hades, do you know what they would be saying to us?

They would be saying to us, “PLEASE, GO & TELL MY MOTHER, MY BROTHER & SISTERS. PLEASE I BEG YOU TO GO TELL MY FATHER & MY FRIENDS PLEASE, I BEG YOU, LEST THEY COME TO THIS PLACE OF TORMENT!!!” That is exactly what the cries of Hell would be telling us. “PLEASE!!! GO!!! PLEASE!!!”

Is hell real to us? Is Heaven real to us? Is Jesus real to us? Is this church thing that we do, just some social thing that we do? Is this just a club that we joined? Is this a reality? PLEASE, CHECK YOUR HEART!!! Is Jesus the reason we move & live?
Do I really believe that Jesus redeemed me? Do I really believe that unless the Lord would have intervened that I would have gone to this place of torment? Or am I just a Christian because it gives me warm fuzzies? Well Bill, it really makes me feel good!

Turn to Jeremiah. Jeremiah was known as the “Weeping Prophet”. He was always weeping because of the back-slidden state of the nation of Israel. He wept over their sin & he wept because they had strayed from God. And he was weeping because Judgment was coming & it was going to be upon them. He would get up every single morning for 30 – 40 years & preach God’s word to the children of Israel.

He was unceasing in his dedication to the Lord God. He said at one point in His ministry that he would never preach again. I mean, Jeremiah preached for over 40 years & do you know how many people listened to him in those 40 years? ZERO, Not even one!!!

In Jeremiah 20:9, it says, 9 Then I said, “I will not make mention of Him, Nor speak anymore in His name.” But His word was in my heart like a burning fire shut up in my bones; I was weary of holding it back, And I could not.

No one was getting saved, no one cared & because of his preaching he was getting persecuted for it. He was eventually thrown in prison for preaching God’s Word. But he couldn’t stop because it was burning in his heart like a fire.

But there was something else that caused Jeremiah to preach God’s Word. Turn to Jeremiah 9:1.

“1 Oh, that my head were waters, and my eyes a fountain of tears, that I might weep day and night For the slain of the daughter of my people!”

Jeremiah loved his people. He loved the ones that were going to hell & he wept over them. He couldn’t stop preaching to them because he knew that if he didn’t share God’s Word that they would end up in Hades like the rich man. Jeremiah wept day & night for the lost.

Do we? Do we even care about people who are going to hell? Jeremiah said that his eyes were a fountain of tears. Turn to Jeremiah 13:17.

“17 But if you will not hear it, my soul will weep in secret for your pride; my eyes will weep bitterly and run down with tears, because the LORD’s flock has been taken captive.” He would weep in secret.

Jeremiah 14:17. “Therefore you shall say this word to them: ‘Let my eyes flow with tears night and day, and let them not cease; for the virgin daughter of my people has been broken with a mighty stroke, with a very severe blow.”

He was a man who wept because of the judgment that was going to come upon them.

Going back to Romans 9, Paul the Apostle, the man we admire & the man who’s example we seek to copy. Paul was a man who could not be stopped. He was stoned to death & dragged out of the city. God raised him back from the dead. And as soon as he was raised from the dead, Paul goes back into the same city that had just killed him & preached the gospel again. He would be beaten & go from city to city preaching the gospel. Stuart just taught that last week from Acts 13-14.

He was a man that could not be stopped even though he was whipped 195 times. He was a man who was taken captive three different times & beaten with bamboo sticks. He would not stop preaching the gospel.
When Paul was in Philippi, he cast a demon out of a young girl & was whipped & thrown into prison for it. He would not stop preaching the Gospel.

And we look at that & we say, “Hey, I want to be that devoted to the Lord! I want that fire burning inside of me! I want that passion & zeal. I want that knowledge.” But there is something that we miss. We miss the fact that Paul & Jeremiah wept & mourned for the lost. We miss the fact that Paul wished that he could go to Hades instead of his countrymen.

You know, if we were in Hades, we would be crying out for people to go & tell our family & friends about Jesus. I can promise you that. We want to partake of the miracles that Paul partook of. We want the warm feelings. But we miss out on the fact that Paul had the heart of God beating in his own heart. Paul knew the Lord & knew the Lord’s heart.

Not only that, but the very heart of God was beating through Paul. God’s heart consumed Paul so much that Paul wished that he could go to hell instead of his countrymen.”

When God’s heart is beating in your soul, you cannot help but walk around & look at all the people who are going to hell & start to weep. You will start mourning for them.

Turn to Romans 15:18-20. What I want to focus on here is the fact that Paul preached the gospel FULLY from Jerusalem to Illyricum. If you look at your maps in the back of the bible. Illyricum is 1400 miles from Jerusalem.

Now when we follow Paul’s missionary journeys in the book of Acts, we never read of when he goes to Illyricum. But here in Romans 15 he says that he has fully preached the gospel. He says that he has gone as far as he can. He says, “I have preached from Jerusalem all the way to Illyricum, 1400 miles, sharing the gospel. I have planted churches & discipled people.” To travel 1400 miles in that day was not easy. Do you know what he went through in order to preach the gospel?

Turn to 2 Corinthians 11:23-28. “23 Are they ministers of Christ?—I speak as a fool—I am more: in labors more abundant, in stripes above measure, in prisons more frequently, in deaths often. 24 From the Jews five times I received forty stripes minus one. 25 Three times I was beaten with rods; once I was stoned; three times I was shipwrecked; a night and a day I have been in the deep; 26 in journeys often, in perils of waters, in perils of robbers, in perils of my own countrymen, in perils of the Gentiles, in perils in the city, in perils in the wilderness, in perils in the sea, in perils among false brethren; 27 in weariness and toil, in sleeplessness often, in hunger and thirst, in fastings often, in cold and nakedness— 28 besides the other things, what comes upon me daily: my deep concern for all the churches.”

He went through it. He went through all of this in order to preach the gospel from Jerusalem to Illyricum. And we don’t even know when Paul went to Illyricum, but he did.

And even in Romans 15:23-24, Paul says that he was going to go to Spain also. You see, Paul was a man who was haunted by the fact that people are going to hell. Paul was going to go as far as he could. He would not stop for any reason. He knew that hell was a real place. Paul would not & could not be stopped.

As a matter of fact, the only way that they could actually stop him was to cut his head off. They had stoned him, beat him, whipped him, thrown him in prison, & nothing stopped him. So they cut his head off.

Paul fully preached the gospel. Paul made it his goal & aim to PREACH THE GOSPEL. Paul had a vision & a goal. It was to go to those who had never heard the gospel.
In Romans 1:14–17. “14 I am a debtor both to Greeks and to barbarians, both to wise and to unwise. 15 So, as much as is in me, I am ready to preach the gospel to you who are in Rome also.16 For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ, for it is the power of God to salvation for everyone who believes, for the Jew first and also for the Greek. 17 For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith to faith; as it is written, “The just shall live by faith.”

Paul had one ambition, one aim & one goal. Can I ask you, WHAT ARE YOUR GOALS?

Are you focused in on what God is focused in on? Paul was not ashamed of the gospel, are we? What is it going to take to get us to go & preach the gospel? What will it take for us to quit playing games with the Lord & start to get serious about our walks with Him? What will stop us from continuing in sin & JUSTIFYING our sinful behavior?

“Well, it was only one cigarette. I only had a wine cooler, & that is only 5% alcohol. Well, this was just a small little white lie.” How long will we play games? When will we get serious about the Lord. You know, every 1.5 seconds a person enters into eternity. SOMEONE DIES EVERY 1.5 SECONDS!!! Will we share the gospel with them?

YOU GUYS, THERE IS NO TIME TO PLAY GAMES, WE MUST COMPLETELY & FULLY SUBMIT TO THE LORD!!! THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE IN OUR OWN FAMILIES WHO ARE DYING & GOING TO HELL!!!

Monday, January 07, 2008

Journal 1/7/08

It has been a while since I have blogged, I don’t really have much to say these days. God is good and that is the most important thing to remember when things get tough. He will get you through to the other side and our hope is in our future with him in eternity, not in this present age. So please be encouraged as you journey through this world as a pilgrim.

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Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Romans 5:1-2

ROMANS 5:1-2

"Therefore having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand & rejoice in hope of the glory of God."

When you have the word "THEREFORE" in the Bible, you need to find out what it is there for. So we see that in the 1st three chapters, Paul proves to us just how depraved we really are. But then he also shows us how we are justified. The book of Romans is a book of theology.

This book IS the Gospel. Any scholar or great Bible teacher will concur with this view. The book of Romans proves to us just how we were reconciled to God. It shows us that we are all guilty of sin, from Jew to Gentile. Then, Paul shows us how we are freely justified by God's grace, how we have received redemption, how we've received propitiation.
"Therefore, having been, or being justified…"

What this is actually saying is that we are currently justified. The "having been" speaks of some thing that has been done. When Jesus went to the cross, He said, "It is finished", then He died. When he died, our sin was placed upon Jesus, therefore we have been declared righteous, we are justified. It is a finished work, it is done. "Therefore we are justified."

The word "Justified", means we are declared righteous. We are looked upon as a righteous person. Our sin is not counted against us. We are now holy & sinless in the eyes of God. The word justified, just & justification, all have the same root word, "JUST". The book of Romans is all about how we are justified. The just shall live by faith.

You can break the word JUSTIFICATION down to say this:

JUST AS IF I'D NEVER SINNED.

Therefore, in my current position as a believer, I have been declared righteous. One of the main themes in the book of Romans is, "The just shall live by faith". You can find scriptures relating to this in Habakkuk 2:4, Romans 1:17, Galatians 3:11 & in Hebrews 10:38.

If you read the book of Romans, it will tell about the just. The book of Galatians tells you how you shall live & the book of Hebrews teaches by faith. So between the books of Romans, Galatians & Hebrews, you have the theme, "The just shall live by faith." If you read & follow those three books, you will have a very intimate & successful walk with God.

Now how am I justified? "By FAITH." The word Faith is defined in Hebrews 11:1. What is faith? We are justified by faith, in what?

We are justified by faith in the finished work of Calvary. We are justified by the cross of Jesus Christ. That is the only way we are justified.

So we are justified as we, by faith, receive what Jesus did for us. When we believe that He died & rose again, when we see & comprehend that his death was an atonement for our sins. Not only did His death & resurrection cover our sins, but by that, we are forgiven, Sanctified, Justified & now we have peace with God. Funny that FAITH is a fruit of the Spirit, (1Corinthians 12:9) which means that FAITH is a gift from God, which means that God give's you the faith that you currently have. So we can't even boast in our great faith.

"We have" Who is this person? We? The word "WE" refers to people who are under the blood, believers. That means us! We have… not we had & no longer have, but rather, we have peace with God. We have the Lord Jesus Christ as our redeemer, as our Savior. Not only did He forgive us our sins, but he made a way for us to approach God the Father.

The word "peace", is the same Greek word that is used in Luke 14:32 & Acts 12:20. It speaks of peace from war; to bind together that, which had been separated; to reconcile. It speaks of appeasing relationships. Why would man, why would human beings need to have our relationship restored with God? When did our relationship with the Lord sever?

(Genesis chapter 3, read it) Notice that in verse 8 that Adam & Eve hid themselves from the Lord's presence. Also, because of this sin, man was cast out of the presence of God, out of the Garden of Eden (verse 24).

The Lord show's compassion on Adam & Eve & even hint's to the sacrifice of Jesus when He made tunics of skin. In Romans, we now are able to enter into the Lord's presence because we are justified, because of the sacrifice of Jesus. We now have peace with our Maker.

Ephesians 2:14-18, Jesus is our peace. (verse 18 shows the Trinity again).

The word "with" in the Greek means facing. So you can read this text, "we have peace facing God." This same word is in John 1:1 – 2. "The word was with God; The word was facing God; The word was face to face with God."

The phrase "Through our Lord Jesus Christ" means just what it says. Just like in John 14:6. The only way to the Father, to Heaven, the only way to be forgiven & cleansed is through the Lord Jesus Christ.

Remember the night before Jesus was to be killed. The night before He was murdered, He was in prayer. He asked God the Father to let this cup pass. He said that He really didn't desire to go through this. But He also said that this was the very reason that He came into the world. He said let Your will be done Father, not mine. He said this three different times. (Mark 14:32 – 42) So as we all know, Jesus went to the cross, so there must not have been any other way. So that means that everything that we do in the Spirit, must be done through Jesus Christ.

The word "have" is in the perfect tense in the Greek. Which means it's permanent. That is real important, the Greek language is really strong & detailed. I know the perfect tense doesn't mean anything to you, it doesn't mean much to me either. I just know that the "Perfect Tense" means Permanence. So what is the text saying?

"through whom also we permanently have continual unstoppable access into His presence."

It is never not there for us. You have continual free access into God's presence at all times because of the blood of Jesus Christ, because of the work of the cross, its continual, its permanent, it will not stop.

He will not change His mind tomorrow & say "I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU, I'VE HEARD YOU CONFESS THAT SIN ENOUGH TIMES, YOU GET OUT OF HERE, THE ACCESS IS SHUT OFF TO YOU!"

The word of God declares that we have continual access to Him, regardless of how we feel, regardless of what we have done. Regardless if we have just sinned. Our feelings will lie to us, Satan will try to deceive us.

The word "access" in the Greek means to obtain access into the throne room of a King. Having authority to go somewhere where you normally wouldn't have authority to go. Like a peasant coming into the presence of a King. He didn't have access, there were things there that were stopping him. There were guards there.

Historically, the word "access" is speaking of a third party. There is the King on the throne, there is me the peasant & then there is the third party who would take me, who would clothe me, & would put royal garments on me & prepare me. The third party would clothe me & prepare me & then bring me & present me to the King.

That was my access. This guy who had access would come & take me off the street, give me a bath & clean me up. He would dress me properly for the Kings house. Then he would take me in there. That is exactly what we see here in this text. (Read Romans 5:1 – 2).

We see the throne of God. We see Jesus Christ coming as a man. We see Jesus Christ paying the price for us. We see Jesus Christ clothing us with His righteousness. We are justified & declared righteous in His sight. So this is what we have here, we have access through Jesus Christ.

So Jesus is saying here, "You have access through me, hold my hand, follow me, I am going to take you in there. I am going to present you as perfect too. I am going to present you to the King & now you have free permanent access to come in at any time."

Also, you can see a glimpse of the Trinity here. You can see, God the Father as the King. In order for us to get into His presence, we need to be washed by the blood of Jesus.

The Holy Spirit is the third person of the Trinity. He is the one who draws us to the Son, who in turn takes us to the Father. It is so amazing to see the work of the God Head. This is what you call the manifold grace of God. You have access by faith. By faith in forgiveness, in the blood, in Jesus. So you get to go by faith into this grace by which we stand (Zechariah 3:1-5).

Not only do we have access, but the Lord does something else to. He cleans us up. He removes our sin. When He went to the cross, ALL, I repeat, ALL of our sins were placed upon Him. Now the Holy Spirit will clean you up. You come to Jesus as you are & He forgives you. Jesus then places everyone of your sins upon Himself. The Holy Spirit then takes the blood of Jesus & starts to wash you. You are then able to go before the King. You have been not only cleansed from you sin, but you have also been delivered from your sin.

WE ARE NOT SO MUCH SINNERS BECAUSE WE SIN, BUT WE SIN BECAUSE WE ARE SINNERS!!!

Can you see the difference here? It is really important to realize the difference. Before you were a Christian, you had to sin, you were a sinner. Now that you are a believer, you are no longer bound to sin. You have been set free, by the Son of God. "Whoever the Son sets free is free indeed."

You don't have to sin anymore. You need to know this. God is not satisfied with you just being forgiven. He wants to have fellowship with you. He want's to present you as SINLESS, so we need to SIN-LESS.

As you start to mature in the things of God, you will start to be convicted of sin. Which means that after you have sinned, it will not be pleasurable. That is because you now have the living God living inside of you. He wants to keep you from sinning. Not only does He want to keep you from sinning, but He has given you the power to stop. Remember that Jesus said, "It is FINISHED".

The word "Grace" is like a diamond, it is pretty much salvation. There are many different assets different colors, to the word Grace. There are many facets to the grace of God. We have been saved by grace. When we say we have been saved by grace, we can automatically turn to the text found in Ephesians 2:8.

In that word GRACE, that manifold grace of God, there are different facets & sides to Grace. It all pours over into that word SALVATION. That deliverance from our present state. We have been DELIVERED!!!

The word "stand" is in the perfect tense. Again, this means that I don't just get to stand there once & not anymore. It means permanence. It's in the grace in which we permanently stand.

The word "stand" means, to stand fast, to remain, to abide, to continue. Which means you are not going nowhere. I'm not going nowhere. How do I stand as a man of God? How do I stand before the Lord? How am I going to make it through this life? By grace. Grace is what will keep you standing, it's grace. It is not about you. It is totally about Him, the Lord. It has nothing to do with you. Nothing at all. We stand by grace. It is His work that God Himself did. All that we do is receive it & say thank you.

The word "Rejoice" means to rejoice, to worship, to give thanks. It means that we can thank God for the Hope that He Himself gave to us. We can worship Him in song, in deeds, by our actions, through prayer. We can shout out loud to him in thanksgiving. We can raise our hands to him. We can rejoice that we are able to approach the Living God. We can enter into His presence, not because of who we are. Not because of what we did, but we can enter into His presence because of what He did for us. We can enter because of who He is. This just causes me to rejoice.

The word "Hope" is a real hope. It is not that we hope it will not rain, or we hope that we get a raise. That is more like a wish. We wish that we will get a raise. When we hope in eternal things, we will never be let down. When our hope, our faith is in Jesus, we are as good as there. Our hope to get to Heaven is by Jesus Christ. We WILL get there, it is a done deal. So hope means that it is going to happen. It is done. We have access into the Glory of God.

The word "Glory of God" means the presence of God. We can enter into the Glory of God. What a blessing that is.

"Who are we that God is mindful of us?"

So now as believers, we can & do, have that intimate relationship with God. He will speak with you, He will conform you into His image, into the likeness of His Son Jesus. Just sit back & let Him work in your Life. He will do things that you never even dreamed of. He did with me & now I am married. The Lord is just too good!!!

JESUS IS IN LOVE WITH YOU!!! LET US WORSHIP HIM IN OBEDIENCE! WORSHIP GOD BY OBEYING HIM.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Journal 12-11-07

Father,

Please help me find my way back into your everlasting arms. I desire to be in that place where we are together as one. I desire to be consumed by you; embraced by your strong hand, I desire to be in your arms. My heart should be so hidden in you Jesus that a person should have to seek you in order to find me. Will you bring me to that place? I long for intimacy with you Lord. You are incredible yet I find myself bound by sin and the chains tug at me causing me to lose heart. And sin keeps me from being in that place that I desperately desire. I desire you and I don’t want to settle for anything less.

Yet I know that in your faithfulness towards me that you have already delivered me from the bondage of sin. You have freed me and once I am free, I am no longer a slave to sin but to righteousness. Help me to live out practically what you have desired all these years for me to live. Help me to walk in your steps, totally aligned with you as I simply follow after you Lord.

Oh the freedom and peace that comes with walking in union with Jesus. Oh take heart my soul and listen to the words from my lips. How long will you rebel and stray from the One who loves you with a devotion beyond comprehension? How long will you run from the grace that gives you the peace you desire? Run, yes, but not away from the Lord but rather run into the arms of Jesus. Flee youthful lust and call upon the Lord out of a pure heart, with a pure conscience with those who call upon the Lord in the same manner. Pursue the One who has pursued you and subdued the sin nature that weighs you down.

Oh God, you are beautiful. Your holiness is pure, noble, right, and sweet. You are wonderful, incredible, beyond comprehension and you love me. Thank you for loving a man like me. Help me to love you with all of my heart, mind, body and soul. In Jesus name, please hear this prayer and lead me into your ways.

Bill

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Monday, December 10, 2007

Journal 12-10-07

It’s been awhile since I have written anything in here. It has been a long season. My 2 year old daughter had pneumonia over Thanksgiving weekend and was in the hospital and then all of us have been sick since then off and on. So it has been a long month and the bills are piling up but God is faithful. I know he will come through as he always has and I am grateful that he has come through so far. My daughter is fine. The rest of my family is fine now but what a long month.


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Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Journal 11/21/07

I don't even know how many times have I found myself doing those things in which You do not delight Lord. Oh, how I hate my past. I have so much regret and when I stand before you on the day of judgment, I know I will have no words to defend myself. I will have no excuses. All I can do is ask for mercy through the merits of Jesus through His sacrificial death on the cross on my behalf.

Heaven is Your throne O Lord and earth is Your footstool. How I am so grateful for that Father. You have all things in your control. Time and again you show yourself faithful to me yet each time I doubt and struggle with believing in your faithfulness to provide for me. When will I simply trust you even when things appear as if they are against me? I think about Isaac in the OT when he lost his son Jacob. He was so distressed and then when he lost Benjamin he said, "All is against me!" Yet things were not against him at all, they were divinely orchestrated in his favor. He just could not see behind the scenes at what you were doing.

Yet how many times do I cry out those same words, "All is against me!" Why do I declare that when you declared in Romans, "If God is for us, who can be against us?" The truth is that you love me and I need to simply embrace your unhindered devotion to me.

Isaiah 62:5 says, "For as a young man marries a virgin, so shall your sons marry you; and as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you."

I can't believe that you actually rejoice over me. I mean, I do believe it, but I am amazed at that. You know where I have been, and in those places of depravity there is no rejoicing, yet you rejoice over me and I am grateful Jesus. I don't deserve you and have been an absolutely horrible ambassador for you. Instead of representing your kingdom in this land, I have taken the gods of this world and have made this world my home. I have indulged in everything this world offers and I have made my bed in hell.

Can you still use me for the advancement of your kingdom in this land? Am I still usable Jesus? What do I need to do to be used by you and to make what is left of this life that you have given me useful for eternity? What can I do to make my life count in eternity?

I was talking with a friend last night and he really brought clarity to me. If your grace doesn't cover all my sins then you don't have any grace at all……and the truth is that your grace does cover all of my sins. OH THANK YOU JESUS! I am so grateful that I am one of your children. Am so thankful that you pursued me with the passion in which you did. Thank you for loving me Jesus. Thank you for life and life more abundantly. You are the greatest thing that has EVER happened to me….. I love you Jesus.

Bill

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Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Journal 10/30/07

Why am I afraid of the judgment to come Jesus? It is because I know where I have been and I know that I have been in some really dark places spiritually. And though I can move forward, I still have to face you on that day over the places that my heart has taken me. I will be held accountable for the things that I have freely indulged in. I am terrified of that day Jesus. Because the reality is that when the time comes for me to give an account of what I have done in the body whether good or bad, I will come up empty handed and I have no excuse at all.

Please forgive me Jesus and have mercy on me……..

Please unveil my eyes so that I can see you Jesus and unveil my heart so I can know you intimately.

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Monday, October 29, 2007

Journal 10/29/07

What is happening to me? Why do I feel as if sudden destruction is about to happen? Is there going to be a catastrophe that hits close to home? Are these my last moments here on this planet? If these were to be my last moments on this planet what be my last words? What would I desire for my last words?

Hmmm… how about: I take a leap of faith into the arms of Jesus for it is by his grace alone that I can come to him boldly as he is my desire.

Or, how about, “Please go after Jesus with all that you have; as he is running the race before mankind and is now carrying me; for into His hands I have committed my Spirit.”

Or, “Jesus, take me home, my pilgrimage is over!”

I think my words will be something like this, “Finally I see the finish line is that Jesus? FREEDOM!!!!!!”

Though I do have this fear that I may be one of those people who acknowledge the Lord with my lips yet deny him by my actions. I do have a fear that he will say to me on that day, “Depart from me, for I know you not you worker of iniquity!”

Oh, God, please don’t ever say those horrible words to me; I beg you to have pity on me. I am a total failure in every aspect of life when I look at it from your perspective. I am a liar, a murder, an adulterer, a blasphemer, and the list goes on and on and on and on. Yet I do believe that it is the work that you have done that will cause me to enter into your presence. Is there un-repented sin in my life Jesus? Let that not be so! Far be it for me to live in separation from you. I need to live in total dependence upon you in every part of my life.

I need and desire you Jesus. Please take my life and make it yours. Please take me and do your work in me. Justify me Jesus! Sanctify me and please bring me into glory where I can bask in your incomprehensible glory and companionship.

I am unclean Jesus, I am unholy and I am depraved, and I am a slave to sin which you have freed me from. I am the source of the problem. You take the chains off and then I put them right back on again. How do I run from me? How do I repent of who I am? If I am the source of my sinful behavior, how do I change so that I no longer do the things that my wicked heart desires? How can I stop sinning if that is who I am? I am carnal, sold under sin. Why is this so difficult to figure out. I mean, I battle to do the simplest of things when it comes to holiness and yet I so naturally make my bed in vomit as sin is natural for me. Holiness is unnatural and it takes so much work.

Oh I am so grateful that I am covered by the blood of Jesus. You are the one who purifies and washes me. I cannot cleanse any part of me and I am unclean. You alone can wash me by your Spirit. Please send the Helper to help me Jesus. You made a promise to me that you would send him and not leave me as an orphan. Please open my eyes to see the Helper and to do as he says. I am so tired of grieving the Spirit of God. Please have mercy on me Jesus.

Bill

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Friday, October 26, 2007

Journal 10/26/07

The winds have tossed us to and fro as they blow our lives in every direction. I sob as I see the sky turn red and wake up to face another day of my people ignoring the Lord. Oh the abyss awaits for all of humanity who do not know you Jesus. Why will we as a people not surrender ourselves to you? Why are we so deceived? Why are we so hard hearted?

We are self destructing and we don’t even see it. Why are we so blind? Why do we call evil good and good evil? Oh Jesus have mercy on us as a people. We are so wicked and yet in the hardness of our hearts we don’t see what is happening to us as a people.

I pray that you would humble us and causes us whether great or small to see reality. Let us see that you are real, that you will not be mocked and that you still desire to pour out your grace and mercy upon all of humanity. Please help us to see the truth. Help us to repent and turn from our wicked ways. Help us to see you in your glory as you are the risen Christ, the Son of the God Most High.

Help us not to trust in wealth or the military, or technology, but to trust in you only. We think we are so sophisticated yet we are not. We are simply carnal, perverse, and totally depraved.

Jesus, please cleanse our land of unrighteousness and wash us with your Spirit. Please forgive me as I am just as guilty if not even more guilty than my people. Have mercy on us Jesus and bring revival to our land once again.

In Jesus name I ask and petition you my King, Amen

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Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Journal 10/24/07

So often we equate the love of God with mercy, and tenderness and we at times willingly forget that the Lord is a God of justice. He will not tolerate wickedness for too long and there comes a point in time when the sins of the land reach the heavens and become a stench in the nostrils of God.

In Genesis God judged the city of Sodom and Gomorra because the outcry of wickedness was so great that it reached heaven and when the Lord visited the city all the men young and old had the desire to rape the Lord (Like that will ever happen!). So the Lord blinded them and got Lot out and destroyed that city.

In Revelation, 19:11, it reads:

11 Now I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse. And He who sat on him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness He judges and makes war. 12 His eyes were like a flame of fire, and on His head were many crowns. He had a name written that no one knew except Himself. 13 He was clothed with a robe dipped in blood, and His name is called The Word of God. 14 And the armies in heaven, clothed in fine linen, white and clean, followed Him on white horses. 15 Now out of His mouth goes a sharp sword, that with it He should strike the nations. And He Himself will rule them with a rod of iron. He Himself treads the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God. 16 And He has on His robe and on His thigh a name written: KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS.

Notice verse 15, “15 Now out of His mouth goes a sharp sword, that with it He should strike the nations. And He Himself will rule them with a rod of iron. He Himself treads the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God”

Jesus is going to judge the world for its sins as he cleanses this world of its sin and makes war with the enemies of God.

Now this is speculation only, but I find it interesting at the same time that the governor of California signs into law SB 777 forcing homosexual behavior as acceptable in the schools that the fires start breaking out uncontrollably in the State and over 1 million people need to be evacuated THUS FAR.

Then we have our demon-crats in Washington rushing through the ENDA bill again placing the homo, Bi, and lesbian sexual behavior as federally protected behaviors.

Is it me or is there a pattern here? Judgment was placed on Sodom and Gomorra with fire and brimstone when homosexual behavior became mainstream and the focus in politics. And as it were then, so it is now, and now California is on fire…..

I am sure people will disagree with me and that is ok, it may not be long that I can proclaim this here in America but at least for the moment I do indeed have the freedom to share my opinion.

And I have not even touched on Zachariah’s prophesy against all those who decide to split up Jerusalem that God would come against them; and here we are having Condalisa Rice publicly saying that they want divide up the city of Jerusalem and if Israel will not agree, then the USA will publicly blame Israel.

I fear that we are only seeing the beginning of devastation that faces America and the rest of the world for that matter. I do pray that God would show mercy once again, but at the same time, God is a righteous judge who judges in holiness. I believe that if I am to live out my life without dying prematurely that I will be living when the rapture takes place. We are that close and I believe that the world as we know it will no longer be “business as usual” but that we are jumping towards the end of the age.

You can call me crazy, or a right wing nut, but I do believe that we are about to experience something so intense that nothing in history will be able to compare with what is to come. Please make sure that you are spiritually right with your Creator and that you are walking with Jesus, the Author and Finisher of your faith.

Bill Scott, Sr.

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Friday, October 19, 2007

Quote

“If sinners are to be damned, let them leap over our bodies to do so”

Charles H. Spurgeon

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Journal 10/18/07

There comes a day when we must all face our Creator and give an account for the things done in the body. I fear that the things I have done in the body may have offended the Creator of my soul and if not for his unbending grace and love towards me, I would feel totally hopeless. Oh how I cling to the mercy of God. Jesus, please have pity on me the worst of all hypocrites and sinners.

Jesus, please forgive me for ALL the things that I have done in this body of mine that have shamed your name. Please have mercy on me and use me for your glory. Please take my life and make it yours. I really do regret the things of my past whether I did it in the recent past or in the distant past, I regret not surrendering my all to you.

I plead with all of you who read my blog; PLEASE give your all to Jesus today. Don’t let another minute go by where you are not walking in perfect communion with the Master of your soul. Jesus is worthy, do you hear me? He is worthy of your life. He shed his blood and redeemed us and has given us power over those sins that entangle us. Don’t live another moment unless you are living in perfect communion with Jesus, the son of God.

Bill

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Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Dear Jesus

Dear Jesus,

I wanted to write you and share with you my heart
Although you already know it, I still want to start
For you alone are worthy of all honor and praise
My Jesus, I want to serve you all of my days.

My past has been ugly, it has been a big mess
As I’ve boasted empty words and still remained faithless
Yet you have remained faithful; for you never shift
You have poured out your love and your grace as a gift

This is my love letter to you my Lord
I desire to praise you as you are my reward
How can words ever explain just how great you are?
Words simply cannot; even wise words from afar.

I look at creation and the work of your hands
I stand back in awe as you’ve numbered the sand
I look at the stars, and galaxies far away
You spoke them into existence as they are there on display.

I look at redemption and the good news you bring
I start rejoicing as I dance and I sing
You are so wonderful, yet I still don’t have a clew
All I know is that I need so much more of you.

The passion you have towards me is amazing
When I experience you Jesus, I cannot stop praising
You are the Great I AM, the Mighty God and King
You rejoice over me every night as you sing

Oh Jesus I love you, yet not as much as I could
For my heart has been hardened and that is not good
Please help me to surrender to you alone
As I bow down before you; as you sit on your throne

Bill.

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Monday, October 08, 2007

Journal 10/8/07

I hate not being with you, Jesus. I want to be with him in eternity so badly. I want to live in total abandonment to Your will yet the flesh prevents me from reaching the fullness of this desire. And I hate my flesh. I hate the fact that I love the flesh at times and hate it at other times. I hate this body of death that I live in. I want you Jesus….I really do. I want the glorified body so that I can take in your glory and behold you in your majesty. I hunger for you Jesus, I need you, I desire you, I MUST HAVE YOU!!!!!!

Please conform me into your image as you alone are my hope and desire…….

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Friday, October 05, 2007

Journal 10/5/07

No matter what happens, the Lord Jesus Christ is good….always remember that. There is nothing better in life than total surrender to His wonderful will and when we finally realize that and finally surrender, oh how blessed that is.

Is today the day that I finally surrender my everything to the Master of all things? Oh Jesus, use my life to bring you glory. For too long I have shamed you as you know where I have been. You know that my lips praise you continually yet my heart has been so far from you. But I repent, I again come to you in surrender and I ask that you would take the shackle of sin off of my life. Why is sin so enticing and though I know it brings death, why do I bite it? I know that I will regret the things I have done, but its too late to change them Jesus. All I can do is live for you and your glory now. Please forgive me for the bad things I have done and the good things that I have not done. Please cleanse me from the inside and make me a brand new creature.

I am so frustrated with the hardness of my heart Lord. Please deliver me from self and from the oppression of the enemy. Help me to no longer live for the pleasures of this world. I don’t want to be a friend of the world because in doing so I have become your enemy and I HATE being in that place. I want to be on your team and an enemy of the world. I want to make my bed in heaven, not in hell and yet I have done the contrary. Oh Jesus have mercy on me. In your loving kindness and tender mercy, please over look and forgive my transgressions, iniquity, rebellion and sin.

I do love you Jesus, and yet I fear that I am not even saved, so I am left with trust. I have to simply trust you that your word is true and that you love me and that you are faithful to save me, because I do believe that you alone are the only way to heaven. And so I trust you contrary to my feelings that you will indeed save me and take me home.

I want to have the passion of Paul and Peter, and all the other saints of old who gave themselves to you in total abandonment. Will I ever be that way?

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Wednesday, October 03, 2007

update

I have not really written much these days......don't know why.

Bill

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Journal 9/11/07

Oh how I want to see your face Jesus. I long for you. You are so beautiful and I want to behold you in all your glory. I am desperate for you Jesus. I want to be embraced by you and I want to embrace you. I cant wait until the day that I can receive a physical hug from you. That day will be so amazing to me.

Your grace overwhelms me in a good way as you simply love on me. Why Lord? Why do you love me so? Why did you create me as I am and in this day and age? One thing I know and I pray I never forget is that I realize that I need you more now than I have ever needed you in the past. I cant take another breath without you. When everything is stripped away from me and I am left here standing totally bare with only you, that will suffice. You are what I need and all I need.

I am so tired of living the American dream with the house, the two cars, the 2.3 children and white picked fence. I feel as if there is so much more that you are calling me to and I desire to align myself in that calling. Are you calling me to the nations of the world Father? I want to go wherever you take me. Would you want me to move to India? China? Where do you want me? Do I stay in Portland? I cant live the shallow American lifestyle anymore, it is so depressing and there are really no eternal rewards.

What is it that you want me to do? Please pour out your Spirit upon me and give me your heart. I want to be a man that goes after you with all of my heart and a man who loves people as you love them. Please do that work in my life Jesus. And please align my wife and kids with your heart as well so that we are one unit walking in the calling that you have given to us.

You are worthy of all honor and praise Jesus. You are worthy of brilliant majesty as you are the King of kings and you reign in righteousness. You show mercy to a 1000 generations and you have shown mercy to me time and time again. You alone are the God who delivers me from the wretch that I am.

Oh how I sense you calling me away unto yourself. I sense that you are in the process more than ever of chasing me down and bringing into that place where you are my substance and my end. You Spirit is chasing me and I refuse to run because your splendor is awesome to take in. I want all of you. I want to wrap my arms around you. I want you, I MUST HAVE YOU!!!! You are so incredible and I am blown away at your compassion and tenderness.

Take me fully Jesus. I am yours and want to remain with you forever.

Bill

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Monday, September 10, 2007

Journal 9/10/07

If today was my day to die, what legacy would I leave behind? Would I have lived to honor the Lord or would I have dragged his name through the mud? Will my kids know who Jesus is? Will they be known by Him as His? Will they see me as a man who loves God and will they desire to walk my path? Or have I lead them away from Jesus as I trod down the path of wrath and self destruction?

I have seen what lurks within me and it is the worst of all blackness. I am a man in need of a Savior. The demons call out to me by name and entice me daily. How many times will I listen to them and bite the bait that they offer?

Oh God, I worship you for you are the Holy One of Israel and I am in need of you so desperately. I feel cut off. I feel hell bound and yet, I refuse to obey my feelings for they deceive me time and time again. And though I feel like I have lost my place in your kingdom, you have declared that I have a place and that you love me. Thank you Jesus because it is so tough to walk when my feelings purposely lie to me about you and your greatness.

So back to my thought. If I were to die today, I want every moment from here on out to be lived in total surrender and abandonment to Jesus. He is the only one that matters. He is enough and he alone is all I need. I want to know the Lord in a deeper way. I want to know the thoughts of my Lord and I want to live as his redeemed one in every moment and in all circumstances.

How I pray that my children come to know the Lord. Oh God is so good. His mercies are new every morning and it is always morning somewhere in the world. And I will put on these tender mercies as I want to be more like Jesus.

I want my life to reflect his purity, yet it hasn’t. I want my life to reflect his greatness, yet again, all I have reflected is me. And there is nothing pure or great about me in and of myself.

Jesus, I again come to you in worship and surrender. I want you to be my everything. I want to love you more than I love food, water, air or sleep. I want you to my only passion in life. I want to be so consumed by you that nothing else matters in comparison.

My heart is broken Jesus. I pray for a healing yet at the same time, I need a time of brokenness because these are the sweetest times for me spiritually as I really do learn to trust in you.

Please use me to advance your saving gospel and help me to bring everyone I come into contact with to you. I want to live out the rest of my days, bringing saints and non believers into your presence so that they can see you in all your glory. Please anoint me and sanctify my by your Spirit whom I have grieved far too many times. Please grow me in grace and compassion and help me to follow you with my whole heart, never looking back…..I want to run this race with endurance. Help me to endure and to remain focused on you. I love you Jesus, not as I ought to, but I still do love you. Help me to love you the way that you desire. Please restore me and pour out your Spirit upon me.

On the merits of Jesus alone I ask you to do this Father, Amen.

Bill

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Friday, September 07, 2007

Journal 9/7/07

Father,

Your grace reveals your beauty. You bought me at a price that I cant imagine as it is so high. You see the depths of my heart yet you still love me. I am so blown away. I pray that you would be merciful on me and that you would continue the work that you started before the foundation of the world when you chose me to walk closely with you. Please wash me thoroughly. I need you, I need your compassion and pity. Please take pity on me Jesus. Please heal my broken heart from the depravity that it has embraced for so long. You are so wonderful and glorious and I regret all the times I have shamed your wonderful name.

I raise my hands Jesus as your mercy falls upon me and I receive your washing. I surrender, I quit. I am tired of fighting and resisting you and your greatness. You deserve nothing less than my total surrender and that is where I want to be. And though I cant promise where I will be tomorrow or even tonight, I promise that right now, right in this moment I give myself to you. Please do as you wish with me and help me to rejoice in you no matter what happens to me in the future. I give you all of me right here, right now, in this moment.

That past is gone and the future does not exist, all I have is the present and that is what I am giving to you. Oh how I want to be like the Saints of old where they lived and died in total abandonment to you Jesus. How do I get in that place and stay there? I want to be a man who lives and dies to bring you glory. Because your glory is the only thing that will last throughout the ages. Teach me to number my days so that I will no longer sin against you.

Bill

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Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Todays devotional

http://ginaconroy.com/groupblog/wordpress/?p=592

Please check it out, I wrote one for each Wednesday for the month of August.

Bill

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Journal 8/28/07

The world has crashed down around me as I am effected by the horror that is inflicted upon my soul. I never wanted to be the one to break your heart Lord. I need to find a place to rest before the sun sets. Will I lay alone? Will I have to lay my head upon a stone? And if I fall asleep will I have nightmares? Because my nightmares do not end when I am awake.

Strong winds are ravishing the waters as the waves crash upon the shores of my life. I hear the whistling of demons as they taunt me in their fury. I am in a time of despair and the outlook is grey. I feel so alone.

I have been wounded. I am desperately seeking mercy as I lay here desolate. Like a mad man I have hurt the ones I love and more than that, the One who gave himself for me. My soul longs for rest. My soul cries out for the city of peace as my heart beats relentlessly in total desperation for freedom from this body of death that I find myself trapped in.

I am hurting Jesus. Please lift this weight that I have placed upon my shoulders and help me to walk in total surrender from this day forward.

I need to hear your voice Jesus through the winds and this storm. I need to hear you. Please call out to me so I can find my way back to you. I long to be safe in the shelter that you provide in the cleft of the rock.

I know that there is no one else who can love me more than you do. And I am so blessed to be loved by you Jesus. Please hold me until this pain in me is gone. Please forgive me Jesus for doing my own will and not yours. Please forgive me for taking all the blessings that you have given to me for granted.

Forgiveness is essentially your way of removing the great obstacle to my fellowship with you Father. By cancelling my sin and paying for it with the death of your own Son, you open the way for me to see you and know you and enjoy you forever.

Thank you Father for loving me.

Bill

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Monday, August 27, 2007

Journal 8/27/07

Funny how my emotions are right now. I am convinced by my emotions that You are going to crush me for my rebellion and wickedness towards You. That is what my emotions tell me. They tell me that You are going to reach down and wipe me out which is what I deserve. Yet in reality, if I get wiped out, it will not be because of Your anger against me or anything of that sort, it will be solely because of the sin that dwells in me and the poor choices that I have made over the years. I am the worse of all sinners as I have known the truth and rebelled against.

Are You still with me Jesus? Or have I crossed the line where only retribution awaits me? I hate the things I have done. I hate my past. I hate and despise all those times where I sinned against You. Will You have mercy on me Jesus?

I need mercy. I need mercy. Please take pity on me Jesus. Please heal me and restore me to the place where You have called me to be. Please help me to be a better husband and father. I am so gripped with fear as I await that day when I stand before You shamed by the poor choices that I have made. And I ought to be looking forward to the day when we meet face to face. I want to fall in love with You Jesus. I want to be fully consumed by Your greatness that I live to worship and praise You. But my strength is gone. I am a tree in the dessert withering away in the dryness of the scorching sun.

How in the world can I continue if I cant find You Jesus? All the things that I desired in my youth I regret now as they were so selfish and self centered. I want to be a man who pursues goals of lasting value. Oh my heart fails me. I feel like Matthew 15:8 is a scripture that you wrote specifically for me. For it says in Mathew 15:8 – These people draw near to Me with their mouth, And honor Me with their lips, But their heart is far from Me.

I can appear so spiritual on paper. Yet writing a devotional or a journal entry or a poem does not make me any more spiritual. What is the point of these things if my heart is far from You? And my heart has been far from You for a very long time.

My hope is 1 John 3:20 – For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things. I hope this says what I think it says in the context of this journal entry. Because my heart condemns me and it should for I have sinned and sinned and sinned against You Jesus. Please forgive me for the rebellion that I have been in. Please forgive me for not going after you the way that you deserve. Please forgive me for choosing sin over intimacy with you.

I am sick to my stomach because of the things that I have done. Please forgive me Jesus and help me to walk in a manner that is pleasing to you. Help me to rejoice in the joy of my salvation once again and teach me Your ways Lord that I may walk in truth all the days of my life.

I know that I am your desire. I am yours, have your way with me. I commit my mind, body and soul into your hands.

Bill Scott, Sr.

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Praise Songs from Calvary Chapel

As some of you may already know, I recorded one of my songs on my churches CD. Well the CD is out now and if anyone would like one let me know, the church is selling them for 5 bucks each plus shipping and handling.

Bill

Friday, August 24, 2007

Urgent Prayer Request

I cant say what it is, but please pray for me.....thank you

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Journal 8/22/07

I live among the dead; I live in the depravity of the darkness that is buried deep inside the grave of my head. I need to be freed from the chains that I have placed myself in. I am a dead man walking; as I lay in the filth in my heart. The demons chase after me as I sob in a torrent of tears. I need to be rescued. I need to be delivered from my adversary which ultimately is me. Does anyone hear? I am my own enemy! Can anyone help? I am lost in my own darkness and I am consumed in fear as I lay bound here in the dark state that I am in.

The fire is gone as the chill runs down my spine in this nightmare. And in the midst of my darkness you are still my light. You are the One I cry out to Jesus as I long to be with you. And yet fear of death grips me in the depths of my being. I have so many regrets. I am so ashamed of who I have become and I hate who I am apart from you Jesus. Regret is all I know these days as I look and see all the horrible things I have done against you Jesus. I have lived a selfish life and a self-centered life. Lord Jesus please have mercy on me.

I feel so forsaken and desolate. I feel lost, utterly lost! Please hold me Jesus and take my broken soul. I am so deplorable and wretched. I am desperate for you, all of you, the real you. I need you Jesus. I want you, and I must have you. You are the King of all glory and I long to behold you. Please become my Prince of peace.

I am nothing at all yet you bid me to come to you. Yet I am so overwhelmed with everything. So I stand here weeping in your presence as my sobs break the silence. And as I look down at my tears, they do not hit the ground as they run off my cheek. They are caught by your nailed scarred hands which only causes me to sob even more.

Oh why do you love me so Lord? After all I have done and all the places I have been? I forget the price you paid for my life. And as my world crumbles around me, all I desire and all I want is your forgiveness and mercy. I want you Jesus. Will you have me?

Bill

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Friday, August 17, 2007

Real science - thank you Kent Hovind!

Here is what the Bible and science says about evolution and here is the evidence of creation:

I believe that the Bible is the infallible Word of God. I believe it from cover to cover. In 2 Timothy 3:16, it says, “ALL SCRIPTURE is given by inspiration of God, & is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness.

The Bible says, in Genesis, “In the Beginning….” When was the beginning? How old is the earth anyways? This is an extremely important question. This question that I will be dealing with is a question that has caused many people not believe in Gods word. So I find it a very important question to deal with. This is the heart of the battle.

In Colossians 1:16a it says, “For by Him (Jesus) were all things created, that are in Heaven, & that are in the earth…” Since Jesus created everything, He probably knows how old it is. Jesus said in Mathew 19:4, “And he answered & said unto them, Have you not read, that He which made them in the beginning made them male & female.”

In Mark 10:6, “From the beginning of the creation, God made them male & female.” The Bible says that death came by sin, (Romans 5:12 & 1 Corinthians 15:21-22), By man, came all sin & in Adam all die. Adam was the 1st man according to the Bible, that is a very clear teaching of the bible. The Bible teaches that the Earth is about 6000 years old.

This is the basic rundown of the Biblical view of things: The Bible teaches that God created the earth about 6000 years ago. Forty-four hundred years ago there was a flood. Two-thousand years ago Jesus came & died on a cross & rose from the dead. And here we are today waiting for the Lord to come back in about 5 minutes!!! That is the basic teaching of the Word of God. This is the biblical view of creation.

If you gave the bible to 5000 people who had never read the bible before & you told them to actually read it & tell us what it says, they would all come up with this same historical timeline. That is the obvious teaching of the bible. We have people who teach that the earth is billions of years old & the Bible teaches that the earth is 6000 years old. Who is right?

The textbooks in the schools tell people that 20 billion years ago there was a big bang. Four point six billion years ago the earth cooled down & developed a hard rocky crust. Then it rained on the rocks for millions of years & turned it into soup. The soup came alive about 3 billion years ago. Then the 1st life form found somebody to marry…blah, blah, blah, & something to eat & then very slowly evolved into what we see today.

The skeptics will say, “Adam & Eve had Cain & Abel, Cain then killed Abel, who did Adams sons marry?” They think, we got you now…Hahaha….

But if you believe in evolution, your problem is worse than mine. The evolutionist believe that 4.6 billion years ago that the earth cooled down. Then it rained on the rocks & turned them into soup. Then the 1st living organisms appeared. They use that word a lot, “APPEARED” Things just appear. They say, “swirling around in the waters of the ocean is a bubbling broth of complex chemicals…progress from a complex chemical soup to a living organism is very slow…”

In the college science book called, “Biology, The Unity & Diversity of Life” it says, “The first self-replicating systems must have emerged in this organic soup.”

Now if you believe in evolution, then you have to get two cells to evolve. They have to be of the opposite sex. They have to evolve in the same place at the same time in history. It’s a big world you know. Cells are kind of small….(they have to find each other). There are a lot of problems that you have to explain that I don’t.

I don’t have a problem because in Genesis 5:4 it tells us that Adam live another 800 years or so & had sons & daughters. How many kids could you have in 800 years?

So in the 1st generation they married sisters.

1. There is no choice, (no one would have thought that it was wrong at that time).
2. Who would you report them to? (They were the only people in the world).
3. There were no laws against it until 2500 years later when Moses gave the law. They didn’t need a law against that in the original creation because there were no deformed chromosomes. Everything about you is inherited. (If your parents don’t have kids, you wont either). Genetic similarity is not a problem in the 1st generations.

Okay, so when was the beginning? How old is the earth? The science books have brainwashed people to believe that the earth is billions of years old. Why do I care so much about the age of the earth?

1. The credibility of Genesis is at stake because Genesis teaches that the earth is about 6000 years old.
2. The credibility of Jesus is at stake. (Jesus cited Genesis 25 times), apparently Jesus believed it.
3. Nearly every book in the entire Bible refers to the book of Genesis.

How old is the earth? Let’s look at some scientific indicators. In the “Star Tribune Minneapolis, Minn. On July 24th 1999” it said, “Last weekend the world’s population topped 6 billion.”

Now if you don’t know how much a billion is (don’t worry because congress doesn’t know either), a billion is a lot. In 1985 there were 5 billion people on the earth. In 1800 there were about 1 billion people on the planet. Almost everyone agrees that there were about 1 billion people in 1800, it really isn’t disputed. Everyone also agrees that the population is growing rapidly.

(With all that said, the world is not over crowded. Did you know that all of the world’s population, all 6 billion people could fit inside the city limits of Jacksonville Florida, twice? That city has 25 billion square feet, obviously we all couldn’t survive there at once, but I just want to show you the size of our land).

At the time of Jesus there were about ¼ of a billion people on the earth. The population curve looks like it started about 4400 years ago. Well, that’s interesting, because the bible teaches that 6000 years ago God created the world. Forty-four hundred years ago there was a flood & only 8 people survived. Now if you start with 8 people having kids & grand-kids, you can easily get a population of 5-6 billion in a few thousand years.

If the earth is billions of years old & man has been here for 3 million years, then why aren’t there more people? Do you realize that in 3 million years the population would have grown to where we would have 150,000 people per square inch. That would be crowed. We have not been here for 3 million years.

Here is another fact. Galaxies are spinning but the stars in the middle are going faster than the ones on the outside. If they were billions of years old, they would not have the spiral shape to them. Spiral galaxies indicate that they are not billions of years old. They would have been spun smooth into one homogeneous mass. They would not have the spiral arms because the stars are moving at different speeds.

Textbooks say that Red Giant Stars evolve into white dwarfs over billions of years. But we know that the ancient Egyptians called Sirius a red star. (Look, I am using scientific facts that are not from the Bible! What? You mean there are other sources of evidence recorded than just what is recorded in the Bible? Yes, there is!!!)

“Egyptian hieroglyphs from 2000 B.C. described Sirius as red.”“Cicero, in 50 B.C. stated that Sirius was red.” “Seneca described Sirius as being redder than Mars.”“Ptolemy listed Sirius as one of the six red stars in 150 A.D.” Today Sirius is a white dwarf. This happened in less than 2000 years. It doesn’t take billions of years like the text books say.

Jupiter is cooling down. It is losing heat twice as fast as it gains it. You can’t keep losing heat, pretty soon it’s cooled off, right? If you found a cup of coffee on the table & I said don’t touch the coffee, it’s hot. You ask “Who’s is it?” I answer, “I don’t know? It has been sitting there for 400 years!” That would be kind of hard to believe, don’t you think? But people want me to believe that these planets are billions of years old & they are losing heat!!!

Saturn has rings around it, but the rings are moving away from the planet. The rings are unstable. They are less than 10,000 years old. These rings would have been gone after 10,000 years yet you want to tell me that it is billions of years old. If the universe is billions of years old, then why does Saturn still have rings?

Jupiter has a moon called Ganymede, but it is constantly losing heat. And Ganymede has a strong magnetic field which indicates that it can’t be billions of years old. “Magnetic Fields” are generated by the liquid motion of molten metal inside a body. Ganymede should have cooled solid billions of years ago. It is not billions of years old.

The moon is going around the earth. Did you know that as the moon goes around the earth it is slowly getting further away. We are slowly losing our moon. It’s only a few inches a year, no big deal. (There is nothing to worry about plus there is nothing we can do about it anyways). The moon gets further from the earth every year which means, that it use to be closer. If you start to bring the moon in closer to the earth, you start to create a problem because the moon causes the tides.

There is a law in physics known as the Inverse Square Law which says: “The force of attraction between two objects is inversely proportional to the square of the distance between them.” What that simply means is that if you “Half” the distance then you “Quadruple” the attraction. If you brought the moon in to 1/3 the distance, the force of the attraction between the two objects is 9 times greater. 1/3 inverted 3/1, 3 squared = 9 (1/3 flipped over & squared).

The moon tells us that it can’t be billions of years old because just a few billion years ago the moon would have been so close & the tides would have been so high that it would have drowned everything on earth twice a day. (And you can only drown comfortably once a day).

Outer space is full of dust. The scientists have known about dust in space for a long time. They have done all kinds of testing to see just how much dust is in space coming to the earth. When they were ready to land on the moon, they were very concerned of the dust in space because the moon runs into this dust. The moon doesn’t have any wind or water to mix it into the soil, so the dust just lands there & stays.

They calculated the dust to be pretty thick on the moon. The famous astronomer by the name of “Littleton” said in 1955, before they went to the moon. Littleton felt that x-rays & UV light striking exposed moon rocks “could during the age of the moon be sufficient to form a layer over it several miles deep.” (Monthly Notices of the Royal Astronomical Society of London Vol. 115. 1955 pp. 585-604). Isaac Asimov said, “I get a picture, therefore, of the 1st spaceship, picking out a nice level place for landing purposes, coming in slowly downward tail-first & sinking majestically out of sight.” (Isaac Asimov. Science Digest Ian 1959 P. 36). Again, this was in 1959 before man went to the moon.

Even in children books before they went to the moon it talked about the dust. In the children book “You WILL Go To the Moon” written before 1959 it said, “Boys & girls, the moon does not look like the earth. There are no trees, no lakes, no water. Just dust, dust, dust.

There is just deep, gray dust. Dust, dust, dust.”They were so concerned with landing on the moon that they put huge landing pads on the space craft to spread the weight out. They wanted to give it the snowshoe effect. The landing pads were added & the legs were lengthened because of the concerns over the predicted layer of dust. They actually sawed the ladder off. The ladder was 18 inches to short in anticipation of the thick dust layer. The guy had to jump down to the moon. He was concerned with ripping his suit. (Trust me, you don’t want to get a rip in you suit out there).

If you can get a hold of the 1st hour of conversation on the moon, you will hear them talking about, “the dust.” They were wondering where all the dust was. The man who built the backpack for the astronauts is now a pastor in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. He said, “I worked at NASA & I built the backpack. I was instructed to build it dust proof incase he sank into the dust.” They were still worried about the dust when they landed on the moon. But the dust wasn’t there.

So the Christians at NASA said to the evolutionist, “How old is the moon?” They said, “Oh, it’s billions of years old.” They said, “Then where is the dust?” The evolutionist didn’t say this, but I am sure they were thinking this, “I bet those Christians went up there & cleaned it just to make us look stupid!” No, we didn’t go up there & clean the moon.

I can tell you where the dust is. You see, the moon is not billions of years old. They left plates behind to collect dust. The accumulation of dust is much less than they thought. It is not an inch in 10,000 years. “Only 1/67th of the moon dust is from space*. The actual measured amount of dust turned out to be 2.7 inches per million years.” (In the beginning by Walt Brown p. 214 CSE $17.50 *the rest is kicked up lunar soil).

So the dust is a lot less than they thought, but that still works out to be 1,033 feet of dust in 4.6 billion years.

There is still a problem. The moon is not billions of years old.Comets are flying around through space & they are constantly losing material. The stuff flying off of the tail is the material that they are losing. They can’t keep losing & losing….eventually it is all gone. It’s kind of like your check book. If your outgo exceeds your income, Your upkeep will be your downfall. Comets have a life expectancy of less than 10,000 years (Prentice Hall Earth Science 1991 p. 73).

“In 1950, based on a study of the orbits of several long-period comets, the Dutch astronomer Jan Oort proposed that a great spherical shell of (Comets) existed at the remote frontiers of our solar system.” – Matson.

“Better statistics in more recent years have supported the existence of the Oort Cloud & put it at a distance of 50,000 AU (1.3 light-years).” – From Matson’s “answer” to the creationist young earth arguments.

Just incase you don’t know, one Astronomical Unit (AU), is the distance from the earth to the sun. It is 93,000,000 miles. It is a big number. This guy Matson says that this so-called “Oort cloud” is 50,000 AU away. There is a problem with this though.No one has ever seen the Oort Cloud. (Oort never saw the Oort Cloud). It turns out that it is based upon a mathematical goof.

“Oort proposed a cloud of comets surrounding the solar system based on mathematical errors.” – (See Raymond Littleton. “The Non-Existence of the Oort Commentary Shell.” Astrophysics & Space Science Vol. 31 December 1974. Pp. 385-401).

So this Oort Cloud does not exist. But this scoffer named Matson said, “Sorry fella's, but if you want to use this comet argument it is up to you to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that the Oort Cloud & other sources don’t exist!”

What? How are you going to prove the “Non-existence” of something? Prove to me that it is there, I don’t have to prove that it does not exist, you have to prove to me that it does exist. If you want to teach that the earth is billions of years old, then it is up to you to prove that it is. All I know is that we do have comets, they don’t last long. The Bible teaches that the earth is 6000 years old & it looks to me like it fits pretty well.

Psalm 39:3, “While I was MUSING the fire burned:”Psalm 143:5, “I remember the days of old; I meditate on all thy works; I MUSE on the work of thy hands.”

The word “Muse” is only used twice in the entire Bible. It literally means, “To Think.” We don’t take time to think anymore. English is an interesting language. The word, “Theist” is a person who believes in God. When you put the letter “A” in front of the word, it means, the opposite of.

An “Atheist” is a person who does not believe in God. The word “Muse” means to think. The word “Amuse” literally means to not think. They have whole parks where someone can go & pay to do that, they are called: “Amusement Parks.”

It says in Psalm 8:3, “When I consider the heavens, the work of thy fingers, the moon & the stars, which thou has ordained;” Psalm 8:4, “What is man, that thou art mindful of him?” You can always tell when someone spends their time thinking & considering what God has done. They are not impressed with what man can do.

When you consider the heavens, it does not matter what man can do.How old is the earth? Well, the earth is like a big magnet & magnets lose their strength with time. The earth’s magnet is losing its strength continually. It is getting weaker & weaker, which means that it cannot be billions of years old & it means that carbon dating cannot work for more than a few thousand years. (If you desire, I will go into detail on why carbon dating can’t work, just let me know).

Some skeptics knew that the whole magnetic field was getting weaker & that it was a problem so they claimed that maybe the earth’s magnetic field is reversing. They went to the bottom of the mid-Atlantic ridge to try & find evidence that the magnetic field is reversing. The text books say that there are magnetic reversals in rocks on the ocean floor. They say that to answer the embarrassing problem of the declining strength of the magnetic field.

It has never been observed to reverse. It has only been observed to decline. For three-hundred years that is all that we have seen, it’s declining. There are no area’s of magnetic reversals. What happened is these people measured places of stronger & weaker magnetism. Somebody drew a line in the middle & said that anything lower than the halfway point is a reversal. But it isn’t, it’s a lower magnitude of the magnetic field. There are no magnetic reversals on the ocean floor.

The earth is spinning at about 1000 MPH at the equator. But the earth is slowing down. In 1990, they had to add a tick to the clock. It was off by a second. In the “Pensacola News Journal, 12/6/1990”, it said, “…regular clocks use days as a measure. Which are growing longer by a thousandth of a second or more daily as Earth’s rotation slows.”

“Earth’s Rotation is slowing down. To compensate for this lagging motion, June will be one second longer than normal. This ‘Leap Second’ announced by the International Earth Rotation Service in February, will keep calendar time in close alignment with international time.” – Astronomy Magazine, June 1992, p.24.

We have a leap second every year & a half now because the Earth is slowing down. (The earth is slowing down, which means that it use to go faster). If the Earth is only 6000 years old, then this is not a problem. The earth was going a little faster & Adam wouldn’t have even noticed it.

But you guys want me to believe that the earth is billions of years old. That creates a problem. If you go back a billion or two years & you add one thousandth of a second per day to the spin of the earth, then that means that the earth was going extremely fast. Your days & nights would be very quick. It would be day, night, day, night, day, night, every second. You would have to get up then go right back to bed & then get up & go right back to bed.

The winds would have been 5000 miles per hour due to the Corilolis effect. And you think that dinosaurs lived two hundred million years ago? I know what happened to them…..they flew off the earth. They would have had to at the speed that the earth would be going.

The Sahara Desert has a prevailing wind pattern. The wind almost always blows in the same direction. This creates a problem because the hot air off of the desert kills the trees on the edge & pretty soon that area becomes desert. This process is called “desertification.” The Sahara Desert is the largest desert in the world. It is 1300 miles from North to South & is growing 4 miles a year.

People are speeding up the process due to poor farming & the like, but even without that scenario, the desert would still grow. They just did a lengthy study on this & they concluded that the Sarah Desert is about 4000 years old. (See Potsdam Institute for Climate Impact Research in Germany, July 15, 1999 – Geophysical Research Letters).

Now that is pretty old, but I have a question for you? If the Earth is billions of years old, then why don’t we have an older desert? Why is the biggest desert in the world only 4000 years old?

I have a theory about that. I believe that about 6000 years ago God created the world, just like the bible says. Forty-four hundred years ago there was a flood. It is kind of hard to have a desert under a flood. You can’t have a desert until the flood waters go down. So I predict by what the bible says that the biggest desert should be less than 4400 years old!!

OH WOW, IT IS!!! Maybe the Bible is right after all.

Did you know that when they drill in the ground that sometimes they find oil? The oil is under incredible pressure, they can be up to 20,000 psi, (pounds per square inch). The guys who studied the rocks on top of the oil said that the rocks can only handle that pressure for 10,000 years or less.

So I have two questions them.
1. Where did the oil come from?
2. Why is it still under pressure?

Nearly all of scientist agree that oil comes from organisms that have been squished. “Oil & Gas are from organisms that once lived in the sea…changed by heat & pressure…into oil.” – (Holt General Science. 1988 p.294).

They can take a bunch a garbage in a science lab & squeeze it into oil in a few minutes. Under natural pressures, it can be done in 1000 years. They say that all the oil came from dinosaurs over an 80 million year period. I don’t think so. Here is my theory on where the oil came from.

I believe that about 6000 years ago, God created the heavens & the earth. 4400 years ago there was a flood. In that flood lots of critters & people drowned. They were buried by the sand, gravel, rocks, & mud. Well, that got pretty heavy after a while & it squished them into oil. So the oil that is down there is from the people & the animals that drowned in the flood.

(If you think about that, the next time you are at the gas station getting gas you can say to the gas…..”Goodbye Grandpa, you should have listened to Noah, he said it was going to rain.”)

In Denver Colorado they have the National Ice Core Laboratory. They have 10 ice core samples taken from a remote Antarctic glacier. These ice cores are resting in a giant freezers waiting to be tested. The freezer is 36 degrees below zero. They test the ice there to see how old it is.

They drill in Greenland & Antarctica & they bring back these ice cores. Well, these ice cores have what they call, “Annual Rings” on them. The deepest core can measure over 10,000 feet…& they say that based upon the annual rings that the ice is 135,000 years old. If you look at the core of the ice, you will see that it has dark & light lines on them.

They say, “In the summer, the top layer of snow melts & refreezes as clear ice, which shows up as the dark line. In the winter the snow packs & shows up as a white milky layer. So it shows summer, winter, summer, winter, & we can count 135,000 of them. How can you say the earth is only 6000 years old?”

But my question is, “Aren’t you assuming that those are annual rings?” You see, in 1942, in W.W.II, there was a plane that had to land in Greenland because it ran out of gas. Some guy decided that he was going to dig them out. When they found the airplane, it was under 263 feet of ice, in 48 years.

So take 48 years divided by 263 feet of ice is about 5.5 feet of ice per year. The biggest hole that those other guys drilled was about 10,000 feet. 10,000 divided by 5.5’ = 1824 years. Now the deeper you go, the more the layers get squished. Deeper ice is pressed into finer layers so 4400 years is a little more closer to the age of the ice. By the way, planes don’t sink in the ice due to pressure on the ice.

The plane is in Middlebrow, Kentucky. Bob Cardin is the guy who dug it out. His phone number is: (606) 248-1149. He said that he saw those annul rings. But he said that they are not annual rings, they are not summer, winter, summer winter, they are warm, cold, warm, cold. You can get 20 of those rings in one week.

Like I said before, there is so much evidence that backs up God’s Word, I am satisfied with the fact that God’s Word is absolutely true. Take for example Mississippi River.

The Mississippi River is deposits mud sediments at a rate of 80,000 tons per hour – day after day. (Prentice Hall General Science, 1992 p.145). The call it the “Muddy Mississippi”. All this mud dumps off in New Orleans, in the Gulf of Mexico. That delta is growing larger & larger & larger. Scientist studied the delta pretty carefully. They said that it took 30,000 years to accumulate the mud in the delta.

If that is the case, then I have a question. If the earth is billions of years old, then why isn’t the whole Gulf of Mexico full of mud right now? They say, “Well, it’s 30,000 years old, that proves that the bible is wrong because the bible says the earth is 6000 years old.”

Well, I have a theory about that. I believe that about 6000 years ago God created the earth, just like the Bible says. 4400 years ago there was a flood. As the flood water was running off, it filled the Gulf of Mexico with mud, not in 30,000 years, but in just a couple of years. All that mud washed out with the receding flood waters. It looks like it took 30,000 years, but they forgot the flood….it only took 4400 years.

In the book, “Allyn and Bacon Biology, 1977, p. 180”, they have a picture of the oldest tree in the entire world. This tree is in Central California & is called the “Bristlecone Pine”. It is 4300 years old. They call it the worlds oldest living organism. That is a pretty old tree. But I have a question. If the earth is billions of years old, then why don’t we have an older tree some place? Why is the oldest tree in the entire world 4300 years old?

Well, I have a theory about that. I believe that about 6000 years ago God created everything, just like the bible says. Then about 4400 years ago there was a flood. So the oldest tree in the world should be less than 4400 years old.

WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT, WOW…..IT IS!!!

Did you know that the largest Coral Reef is in Australia. It is called, “The Great Barrier Reef”. During W.W.II., some of the reef was destroyed by the ships & bombs & anchors, & other things like that. So the environmentalist went out there to see how fast it grows back.. They studied it & watched it grow for 20 years….(it was a government project).After watching the reef grow for 20 years, they came to the conclusion that the Great Barrier Reef is less than 4200 years old. That is pretty old.

Umm, but I have a question. If the earth is billions of years old, why don’t we have a bigger reef some place? Why is the biggest reef less than 4200 years old? Well, I have a theory about that. I bet you know what it is don’t you….

In the science book, “Holt Earth Science, 1989, p.279”, it says, “The rocky ledge above Niagara Falls has been eroding for nearly 9,900 years”. How do they know that? Well, the rocks are breaking off of the edge. Niagara Falls is eating it’s way south. It’s eroding. The Canadian’s built a concrete wall on there side to make sure that it erodes on American soil. (They really did).

The rocks are breaking off of the edge & the water fall is moving backwards. All waterfalls do this. The eat their way backwards, depending on how hard the rock is. Niagara Falls is moving backwards 4.7 feet a year. “Crest lines showing recession of Horseshoe Falls since 1764. 865 feet in 185 years is approximately 4.7 feet per year”. – (Source: Niagara Falls Museum Guide).

The water goes over the fall into a big gorge, called the “Niagara Gorge” or the “Niagara Canyon”. The Niagara Canyon is 7 ½ miles long. “A gorge about 7 ½ miles long runs just below Niagara Falls. A simple calculation shows that it has been 9900 years…” – (Holt Earth Science 1984, p. 284).

Well, I have a question then. Niagara Falls used to be near Lake Ontario. If Niagara Falls is billions of years old or even millions of years old, then why isn’t back to Lake Erie right now? Well, I have a theory about that.

I believe that about 6000 years ago, God created the earth. 4400 years ago there was a flood. As the water was running off, about half that gorge ran off in the 1st couple of months to a year or so. How is that possible? Because in the time of the flood there was a lot more water running through soft dirt, not hard rock. So it looks like it took 9900 years, but they forgot the flood.

Did you know that when it rains, 30% of the water runs into the oceans. Bringing with it, mineral salts. “Oceans today are 3.6% salt” – (Hole Biology 1994, p.225). The oceans are getting saltier everyday. They could have done that in less than 5000 years. If the earth is billions of years old, then why aren’t the oceans saltier like the Dead Sea or the Great Salt Lake? Why is it only 3.6%?

A guy was in a debate once & a skeptic said, “Can you please answer a question for me? You believe that there was a world wide flood?” Yes I do. So the skeptic said, “How did the fresh water fish survive?” The speaker said, “Sir, aren’t you assuming that the flood was salt water?” The skeptic said, “Well, the ocean is salt water”. The speaker replied, “Yes it is, today. But it has been getting saltier everyday, so I think that during the flood, that it was all fresh water.”

So the skeptic answered & said, “Well then, how did the salt water fish survive?” The speaker answered and said, “Well, there weren’t any.” The skeptic said, “The ocean is full of salt water animals.” The speaker said, “Well, yeah, it is today, but it has gradually gotten saltier & many of the animals have had to learn to adapt salt water….or don’t live there. Today we have fresh water alligators & salt water alligators. They probably had a common ancestor……an alligator.”

The skeptic said, “Well, that’s evolution”. The speaker answered & said, “Common Sir, going from a fresh water alligator to a salt water alligator is a minor change compared to the evolution myth. You see, you teach that they change from a rock to an alligator. That would be a major change.”

So everyone who rejects the God of the bible has to come up with another solution and the problem is that they cannot. They create these theories that do not hold any water.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Journal 8/15/07

O Lord, I call to you; come quickly to me. Hear my voice when I call to you. May my prayer be set before you like incense; may the lifting up of my hands be like the evening sacrifice. Psalm 141:1-2

Because I was created by God and for His glory, I will magnify Him as I respond to His great love. My desire is to make knowing Him and enjoying Christ the passionate pursuit of my life.

Father,

Here is my life, if you can do something with it, then please do so.

In Jesus name, Amen

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Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Are you Ready?

Are you ready?

We are at the gates as the “End” does draw near
A time for us to rejoice and all others to fear
We are very close, as it will not be that long
Are you ready for the “End?” You cant afford to be wrong.

The buildings are swaying in the wind where they stand
As God’s judgment is poured out, upon the souls of man
Chaos and fear tend to grip all around
As fire falls from the sky and scorches the ground

Horror and terror are what seems to prevail
As fire reigns down and men’s hearts begin to fail
The sky is full of thunder; lightning is seen in flashes
As billions rebel and will die with the masses

The Great Tribulation begins to unfold
People begin to suffer as their hearts remain cold
Inflation is something that will effect the poor
A loaf of bread will cost a days wages and more

Earthquakes and famines and death do prevail
Life here on earth will be a living hell.
Yet this is only the beginning of pains
As this age ends and the anti-christ begins his reign.

With signs in the sky and deception in the air
The anti-christ is alive; his kingdom is doing well
For who can wage war against a man with his power
Not a soul on earth can, for this is his hour

Things start to get worse; a line is drawn in the sand
If you don’t serve anti-christ then you will die where you stand
All must worship the beast no matter where they dwell
They start taking his mark; condemning their souls to hell

Whoa to the earth and woe to all men
God’s judgment is here and is poured upon sin
For there is no hope once you have taken the mark
Your fate has been sealed, your future is dark

Yet you now say that when the tribulation begins
You will at that time serve Christ and will turn from your sins
If you cant live for Christ now then why do you assume
You will die for him then as serving him will seal your doom?

I hope you will ponder, these words that I say
I pray you will heed God’s word and get saved
Because the stage is set as we move that way steadily
The end is upon us, the question is, Are you ready?

Written by Bill Scott, Sr.

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Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Journal 8/7/07

Father,

I have been living my own way; thinking of myself only and not seeking you for anything. I have been building castles in the sand as the temporary pleasures of life which mean absolutely nothing have consumed me to the point of utter destruction. And now the storms have come and the walls of sand are crashing in and falling down upon me. In my castle of sand I thought I was a prince when in fact I was only a slave. So here I am Jesus once again as I stand here weeping in sorrow and anguish of soul for my wretchedness towards you.

My face is soaked as the tears flood down my cheeks like a broken dam. I have held my ground for as long as I can in my own stubbornness and I can no longer do so. I need you Jesus, I need your grace so desperately. I am sliding in the torrents of mud as my own pride and self-seeking heart is my constant downfall. I can’t hold my ground any longer as it has washed out beneath me Lord, so here I am reaching out my hand as I beg for mercy and pity.

Please take me back Jesus. Please free me from this world. Please free me from the slavery which the world brings. Though the storms of life drench me and cause me to almost drown, when I make the world my friend they always leave me high and dry which is far worse. And now I swim in the mess that I have made as I drag your name through the mud.

I am not worthy Jesus to be associated with you let alone called one of yours. I have abandoned all the things you have taught me and I have shamed your name so badly. How I hate the morning sun because it drags me into another day of shame and of reaping what I have sown.

Oh please transform me into your likeness Jesus. Free me.

Bill

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Sunday, August 05, 2007

Three of the loves of my life




I love my kids, they are so much fun. What a blessing to watch and see them grow.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

My online devotional

So I am writing 5 devotionals for an online group called "Writer Interrupted". My 1st one was posted yesterday under Midweek Devotional, I think this is the link: http://ginaconroy.com/groupblog/wordpress/?p=531

When you get a moment please check it out. I have the entire month of August and a new devotional will be posted every Wednesday on that site. I believe this link is the home page for that writing group: http://www.writerinterrupted.com/groupblog/wordpress/

Enjoy!

Monday, July 16, 2007

Take Him to Jesus!

The love of her life is drifting into darkness;
He is losing his mind as he is lost in distress
The love she has known is falling to pieces;
As he loses his hope and he weeps in his head

A child’s hearts sobs as he walks through the day;
His soul cries out loudly with his heart on display
You try to make sense of it as he’s desperate for hope;
You are straining for words to help this man cope

Darkness is consuming; his eyes lost in a deep stare
He withers away with his mind lost in despair
Hope fades away as the day turns to night;
This man starts to sob as things just are not right

And words are not easy; you don’t know what to say;
He falls deeper in darkness and into dismay
The pain is unbearable its too much to bear
Yet you don’t need the answers, just lift him up in prayer

Take this man to Jesus; to the cross where Christ died
For his burden is easy, and he will stay by this mans side
As he starts to stumble; just reach out your hand
And take him to Jesus; where God will help this man stand.

Written by Bill Scott, Sr

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Journal 7/16/07

The scriptures declare that I am a new man in Christ that the old things have passed away and all things become new. But somewhere on this journey of life I have lost sight of that and it feels as if all the new things have gotten old. I hate feeling this way. I desire so desperately to have the joy of God’s salvation alive in me once again.

I have made so many mistakes in my life. And when it comes to sin, lets just say that I can’t even begin to number how many times I have willfully sinned against the Lord. Yet my sins and mistakes are cast away as far as the east is from the west. And although I am a brand new man in a foreign land, I feel like the fire is lost and I am lost in the land of my enemies. And my greatest enemy is me.

Will you move me like you used to Lord? I want to burn brightly for you once again, but it is something that you have to do in me. I cannot do this in and of myself. I want to be revived again. I want to experience your new life again. Will you lift me up again and restore me fully?I long to burn brightly for you Jesus. When the smoke clears I want to be a man who is holy and on fire for the right things. I desire passion for your name once again and at the moment I simply do not have it.

I wake up in apathy as the ghosts of my past haunt me. It’s as if I had a grip on reality at one point in time but the deceitfulness of sin has caused a delusion of reality and instead of confidence in you Jesus, fear grips me as it seems that you are slipping away from my grip. Oh how grateful I am that I will never slip from your hands. Will darkness ever leave me? Will I see the sun climb high into the heavens anytime soon? I want to say that I am a broken man, but apathy has consumed me to the point where I feel nothing. And I know that only you alone can renew my soul again. I need revival. No one else can help me Jesus, there is no substitute for what you can do in my life. I want to get up out of my slumber and run for you like there is no tomorrow. I want to run the race, not fade away into nothingness. I would rather burn for you than to have my flickering flame go out.

So back to my original thought; I am a brand new man in Christ who has been changed on the inside. This change ought to fan the flame of my passion towards you Lord. So I am praying that you would give me a new desire to pursue you like never before. I desire to have the energy to pursue the things of God like never before. I don’t want to live out the old mans will anymore, for I have a new destiny. Please lead me into the way of everlasting. I can’t do this by myself so I am calling upon you Jesus to help me.

Bill

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Thursday, July 12, 2007

Journal 7/12/07 - more thoughts

Father,

It seems like I fail you a million times a day on a good day; yet your mercy remains steadfast towards me. Should I fail again only to cause you more shame? Of course not, so then why do I? Do I really desire your will above all else? Somewhere lost in my head I again would say yes I do desire your will above all else, but my actions say otherwise. And my actions scream that my will is what I am after and not yours. Who am I fooling anyways? I am not fooling you Jesus; that is for sure. I hate the power that my flesh has over me. I hate that fact that I listen to my flesh and obey it without question or hesitation. I obey my flesh of my own free will and I choose to obey it instead of you. I HATE IT!!!!

I wish I would be lost and consumed in worshipping you. I wish I would be lost in praising your name. I don’t know what it is, pride maybe? But whatever it is the stench of my flesh hinders me. I am hindered in totally abandoning myself in your presence. I desire to give you control of my heart, my soul, my being. I want to embrace your righteousness and love you from the depths of my being. Why wont I wrestle my flesh to the ground? Consume me Jesus! Consume my every fiber. Take me and make me one with you. Please God, do a work in my hard heart of calloused stone.

Lord of Glory, you are eternal and your light shines ever so brightly. Your light exposes my sin and shame yet it also restores and cleanses me in the depths of my heart. I want to be clean permanently. I know that I am clean postionally in your sight, but I want to experience cleanliness practically. I want to be right where you are at all times. I long for heaven yet I fear I make my bed in hell.

Please forgive me Jesus for grieving your Spirit. Please forgive me for hindering the work of the spirit. Please have mercy on me and help me to walk in repentance all the days of my life. Please hold me Jesus and never let me go. I am so grateful that salvation is a work of grace because if it were not I would be doomed to hell forever. I am so grateful that your word declares that you will never ever forsake me. You will never ever leave me. Oh how I cling to those words. Thank you Lord.

You are so holy Lord God Almighty. You are what I long for when deception has finally fled my eyes and I see reality. My life is a mess and is utterly meaningless without your daily presence. I am a mess. I miss seeing you work in my life and I miss seeing you move among your people. I miss the days of old where I saw and experienced you so clearly and intimately. I miss talking to people who are totally consumed with you and only talk about your goodness; nothing else. I miss being around a people who were consumed by your spirit. I miss being consumed by your spirit. I miss you Jesus. I miss the passion that I had and I want to recapture it and remain in that special place where we are together. So please help me to get there and stay there. Help me to do the former things that helped me to walk closely to you.

Life is full of distractions. Help me to make every sing distraction and attraction to you.

Bill

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Journal 7/12/07

Father,

Good morning, how are you doing today? Is there anything that you desire to share with me as I begin my day? Is there something that I should be prepared for? Do I need to learn something new today? I am here and I am ready to hear from you Jesus.

I wish I could live out John 15 in my day to day life. I want to abide in Christ. I want to dwell in that place where you are Lord and I want to stay there. I am a sheep that tends to go in every direction but the right direction. So I am purposing in my heart to give you this moment in time Lord. I can't promise that you will have the next moment. I would love to give you every moment, but I know me. So I am giving you this moment right here, right now. Please have your way with me in this moment.

Love,

Bill

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Wednesday, July 11, 2007

today's thoughts

Life is truely harsh and I hate my flesh. I can't wait until I am delivered from this body of death.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Journal 6/19/07

Father,

You are like a flowing river that starts to grow in the wastelands of my life, for you refresh my soul O Lord. You are like the tide that crashes upon the scorched land in my soul. You are refreshing and filled with life. You are the source and sustainer of life as your clouds of mercy pour out rain upon a weary people. You are so good. And though there is drought brought forth from the blistering heat of the sun, you bring shelter to the weary as your clouds overtake the harshness of the noon time heat. And I can feel the sprinkling of what’s to come. I can taste in a sense the mist coming from eternity. I can feel the sprinkle from the waterfall that crashes down the cliff. I can hear the rumbling power of the pouring water and it is serene and uplifting yet powerful and surreal.

Oh your water is so purifying. You wash me clean as I drink in your thirst quenching waters of life. The winds of refreshment are on their way as I know you are coming again soon for your bride. I feel like a drop of water in the ocean of God. There is such a security as I swim in the fountain of the Lord. I am at home and though the tide may come and go, I can be assured that you love me as I swim in the streams of your love for you are my life.

Oh how this water reflects the Son coming from the sky so clearly. You are incredible Lord Jesus. The icy caverns of my heart have melted away in your presence. I am looking up Lord, for I know the time for your visitation is coming. And each cloud that forms in the heavens only brings me closer to my hope as I ponder your return. You are coming again, Halleluiah! Come Lord Jesus, come quickly for your bride. We are desperate for you, for you have the water that will cause us to never thirst again, and we are a thirsty people Lord.

May I be found dancing in the ripples and waves as they emerge upon the horizon at your coming. May I float in the crystal waters before your throne in humility and meekness as I embrace you at your return. May you take pity on a wretch like me Lord Jesus and return quickly. How I long for that day. Please come for us. We await with eagerness to meet you in the air. Please come soon.

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Saturday, June 16, 2007

Journal 6-15-07

As I write this I am looking out the window at this incredible view as the sun is setting upon the horizon. Believe it or not, but it is 10:10PM and there is still light glistening in the sky. I am listening to worship music as I contemplate the frailty of life. This view that I have out this window is so glorious. I live in the Northwest and there are so many trees. I can see the mountains buried in greenery, as God’s creation gets ready to close her eyes for the night. I have been so blessed to live in an area of the world where it still only takes a few minutes to get alone in nature and alone with the Lord.

Life is so short. It has been appointed for man once to die and then the judgment.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately. We really do not have a lot of time given to us to dwell on this earth. And not only that but the earth is actually dying. It is not the same earth that our forefathers walked upon. The earth is sick and is dying. The earth is under a curse as we are also while we live in this fallen world. Why do we lose sight so quickly of what is important? The Lord is important. Family is important. Relationships are important. The other things are just so irrelevant in light of eternity. Yet they consume us.

So back to this incredible view, I have this wonderful view from the hospital window as my son Tobias lays next to me asleep in his hospital bed. He is ok, just a little dehydrated from (hopefully just the flu) all the vomiting over the last few days. As I got to the hospital this evening to relieve my wife she informed me that my grandmother was given 6 months to live. She has lived a long time, but at the end of the day, once she takes her last breath that is it. And we will all be in that place. We will all die. Maybe not today, but unless the rapture happens we will die eventually.

Life is just too short to not do the right thing and serve the Lord. And as I say this, I look at myself and see that I too am a man who needs to serve the Lord. Because the truth is that I have only been serving myself. God has been so good to me. I can remember crying out for God to hear my prayer to spare my son Tobias and he heard me. God heard me and answered. And though we are in the hospital now, I am so grateful for the last four years that I have had with my son.

I mean, in a sense this is borrowed time because we were told that Tobias was not going to live. And here yet, here we are four years later. Oh God is good. He really is. Should I be angry with the Lord because my grandmother is not going to make it? Is it God’s fault? No. God has blessed us. We are so blessed and though death really is devastating and horrible; it is a reminder of two things. The first reminder is that we were not created to die. This was not how the original creation was.

And secondly we have hope for what is to come. God has promised us that he will restore things back to what they were. Adam was in paradise and we will one day be in paradise too. He will and has defeated the sting of death. How can we get mad at God when he has in fact given us such a great hope? God has promised that he will resurrect those who are in his family. And when my friends and family breath their last breath, it makes me cling to the promises of God tighter. He is so good. I am so grateful that he has given me hope. I am so grateful that he loves me and cares for me.

He is so pure, loving, gracious, and merciful and yet he still wants to meet with and fellowship with me. Wow! I wish I could focus on Jesus in this way all the time. I mean I know I can, but I wish I would. Sin is so enticing and it keeps me from the One who love me. I have failed on my journey thus far but I pray that from today forward that I would practically walk and live out what I write. I know that when I stand before the Lord that I will have regrets and lots of them.

Oh God, I want to be in tune with you wholly. Please forgive me for choosing other things over the important things in life. The truth is that I feel so safe with you because you have declared that I am precious to you. I want to live I your embrace forever Jesus.

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Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Herb Peters – Stay Tuned

Herb Peters – Stay Tuned

When tragedy strikes and all we can do is wail
When the storm is real hard as we sink and don’t sail
When times are real gloomy as we lose a good friend
It is ok to cry as we struggle to comprehend.

Herb was a man that reported the news
His next of kin Holly will now fulfill his shoes
He sought to reach people and his stance was real bold
He proclaimed the bible as events started to unfold

He was given a task that was his to fulfill
For many of us that task of his only revealed
Just how close we are to the coming of the Lord
We have talked about these things on FP’s discussion boards

Herb loved the bible and the prophesies inside
He talked about the EU as the Roman Empire was revived
Hal Lindsey showed Herb just what the bible was worth
As Herb picked up the book, The Late Great Planet Earth

And from that moment on, Herbs life was not the same
As he proclaimed the scriptures and lifted up Jesus’ name
He studied the news and saw the world was in a fix
The moment he discovered Recommendation 666

So Herb wrote a book to let all people know
As we all read his book our reply was just “Whoa!”
For his book got us thinking as we opened our eyes
We all started looking up for the Lord in the skies

And now as we ponder and as we reflect
We weep and we wail as we miss a man we respect
And though we are mourning from the pain of this wound
This is not the last time we will hear his words, “Stay Tuned!”

Written by Bill Scott, Sr.

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Monday, June 11, 2007

Journal 6/11/07

Father,

How many times will I waver and not do the right thing? God, you never change even though my circumstances change. And my circumstances change so much. I have a sense or a feeling of some sort, whether it is prophetic or not I do not know; but I sense an emergency upon the horizon. I sense some oncoming tragedy and I do not know if it is a personal tragedy or a national one but it is eminent and I can’t shake it.

If tragedy does strike at any level, will I waver Lord? Will I stand? Sometimes I long for tragedy in the sense that I am more in tune with you in those times than I am when things are well. Don’t get me wrong, I hate trials but the truth be told, I get so carnal and apathetic in times of blessing. And though I HATE and DESPISE trial and tribulation; I despise my carnality even more.

I long to be a man who walks faithfully before you and that doesn’t happen in times of blessing. But it does happen in times of tragedy at least for me it does. Actually I don’t think I ever walk wholeheartedly with you. Why wont I surrender and simply abide with you Jesus? What will it take?

Lord, if something is hovering over the horizon of my life or America or the world, please help me to prepare so that I can walk in the Spirit and do the right thing before you. Please prepare my wife and I and our family for what is to come. I want to live completely sold out to you and not get caught up and distracted over little things. Help me to keep my eyes on the finish line because I constantly lose sight and forget that I am in a race. Help me to run the race to win.

Bill

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Thursday, June 07, 2007

Journal 6/7/07

Shall we accept good from the Lord and not adversity? That is a question to ponder when going through any trial in life. Why is it that we can get all excited and passionate with the Lord when things go our way yet at the 1st glimpse of adversity we question and accuse the Lord of wrong doing? This makes no sense to me. If God is faithful then he is faithful period, no matter what happens. And God IS faithful and he can be trusted. He is a good God who loves us and allows things to happen because he is wiser than we are and sees all things.

I desire to be a man who will love the Lord even if he chooses to take my kids lives, and my wealth and my health. Am I that man? I don’t think so, but I want to be a man who simply trusts in the Lord wholeheartedly all the days of my life.

One thing that I have learned over the years is that a lot of people throw out everything that they know to be true about God when they go through a difficult time. And instead of trusting in the only one who can change your circumstances or give you the endurance in the midst of the trial we tend to walk away from the Lord.

Let that not be so. When the trial is crashing upon us and we are in the power of a storm beyond our control that is when we MUST fall upon what we know to be true about the Lord. That is when we must trust Jesus. God is good and he loves me. And maybe it doesn’t feel like he loves me, but Romans 5:8 is the loudest declaration of Gods love for me that there is.

Romans 5:8, For God demonstrated his love towards me that when I was still a sinner, Christ died for me!

Case closed! That is the hard truth and God is good. He cannot think nor do anything that is evil. So my encouragement is when you go through the trial, and we all do; fall back on what you know to be true about the Lord and trust him.

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Update

So my son Billy is home and ok now. thank you for all the prayers, they were a total blessing. I really appreciate the prayers. So what happened (Thank you Jim) was that Billy over the last two years has resisted using the bathroom. He hates to poop. and we have over the last two years been taking him to the doctors for this and giving him medicines and enemas and all these things.

Well, Billy's intestines were completely backed up all the way into his stomach. He was starting to get sick from the stool that was backing into his stomach and that is why he continued vomiting.

While at the hospital, my son was completely flushed out. They stuck a tube into his nose that went into his stomach and flushed out his intestines. And that boy of mine had so much stool inside of him that came out that it was unbelievable.

So is the issue done and will Billy start pooping? I don't know. I know that he is out of the current crisis and is still on medication to make him go. Hopefully he wont hold it anymore. So yes my son is home and healthy and being his normal 6 year old self. Thank you EVERYONE for praying. I was totally blessed by the support and the prayers to the Lord. If you can pray that my son will not have issues in the future I would truly be blessed.

Thank you,

Bill

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Prayer Request

So yesterday 6/4/07 was my son Billy's birthday. He turned 5. Well he has been throwing up since Sunday morning. We took him to the doctor yesterday and they told us to monitor him and if he keeps doing it then tke him to the hospital.

Well, he started vomiting blood. So Jessica took him to the hospital last night and they are still there. They thought it was the flew at 1st but now they think it is his intestines. He may be in the hospital for a few more days as they run more test on him.

Billy has had problems going to the bathroom. As a matter of fact he holds it for so long at times that in the past all of his large intestines and 3/4 of his small intestines have been backed up.

The doctors are taking xrays of his intestines now too see if that is his problem. That is all I know at this point.

Please pray.......thanks

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Tuesday, May 29, 2007

War

War!

The time has come for the end is at hand
The door is wide open as the Lord makes His stand
Heaven will flood the earth with God’s wrath
We’ve been headed this way, just look at the math

The seasons have pointed to this Day of dread
As the moon gives a sign by turning blood red
The morning brings chaos as the Day starts to unfold
The Lord is returning as the scriptures foretold.

Jesus pours out the wrath of the fierceness of God
He judges the earth with his staff and his rod
The Almighty will deal with the sins of mankind
As the Son treads the winepress and turns the nations to wine

The Day is too great, as the people do weep
They have sown to their flesh; and now judgment they reap.
The fury of God is poured upon all
And no one can stand not the great nor the small

Yet do they repent? The scriptures declare to us NO!
So the seals are opened yes all seven of the woes.
The world never before has seen a time such as this
As it heads further in judgment and towards the great abyss.

The elders in heaven will worship the Lamb
As He pours out His fury all throughout the land
He deals with all sinners as war is now waged
Mankind heads towards disaster as the “End” is now staged.

What a glorious day it will be for the saints
As we worship the Lord while Satan is restrained
The Millennial reign of the King of all Glory
Is not the end to this incredible story

Satan really believes that he can win this war
As he gathers the nations; to Armageddon’s shore
His reign will soon end as he will be cast away
That serpent of old; will finally be slain

Yet that is not the end as there is more to be told
We enter the final judgment as the story unfolds
The wicked are judged for the things they did do
They are judged for theirs sins as they stand there subdued

They start gnashing their teeth as they weep and they wail
Yet they worship the Lord as they are cast into hell
Sin now abolished; the redeemed now can stand
Yet we fall on our face and we worship the Lamb

The war is now over we can enter our rest
Clothed in robes of white as we are truly blessed
We cast down our crowns before God’s throne on the floor
We are grateful and thankful; as our sins are atoned for

And for all of eternity we will worship the Lord
I look forward to knowing him like never before
Sin will not hinder the church as we live and abide
In the presence of God as we are now the Lambs bride.

Written By Bill Scott, Sr.

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Friday, May 25, 2007

Journal 5/25/07

In Romans 8, Paul talks about how the creation is groaning and waiting for the redemption of God. And Paul mentions that we can partake in the 1st fruits of the Spirit. This simply blows me away. Who am I that you O Lord would allow to taste of the 1st fruits? I can get a taste of heaven here and now. We can get a taste, YOU can get a taste of heaven here and now. Do you know where that is found? It is found in God’s presence. We are told taste and see that the Lord is good. Will we?

There is no reason to be a Christian if the Holy Spirit is not working in our lives. There is no reason to do the things that we do. If God is not moving then why would we go to church? It would be an empty shell. Why are we Christians? I do not want to sit in a circle and sing a few songs if that is all that there is. Why do we read our bible if it is just words on a page? It’s not! It is life! There is so much more and we can taste it here and now.

Where is our heart? Do we want to be stirred up? Do we really want the presence of God in our life? I know I do. As we seek the Lord and as we simply draw near to God because he is God and he loves us, we will find life and we can and will experience revival. Oh Revival! What a sweetness there is when we are revived and are able to commune with the Savior. How do we get into that place where we can come alive again in passion and intimacy with the Master?

By simply coming to Christ through faith and drawing near to him. It is so simple! Let Jesus be Jesus and love him because he loves you. Fellowship with Jesus; let him lead you and guide you and direct you. Are you in Christ? If so then let us come boldly to the throne room of grace as the book of Hebrews declares because we can. We have access into the throne room of the King of kings. Lets go.

I fear that we are a people that do not enter into the presence of God Almighty. I fear that we live like God doesn’t love us or in a way that declares that we have no power. And that is such a lie. I just need to believe and trust and love God and worship the Lord. All we have to do is come to Jesus. He says, “Come to me. Let me take the burden, let me lead and guide you. Trust me!”

We ought to be worshippers! Let us be a people who worship God for who he is. Let us be a people who seek God and enjoy the Lord. Let us listen to his voice and listen to his Spirit. Let us enter into his presence right now and return to the Lord wholeheartedly.

Listen to the urgency of these scriptures……they are all chapter 9:11.

Psalm 9:11 Sing praises to the LORD, who dwells in Zion! Declare His deeds among the people.

Luke 9:11 But when the multitudes knew it, they followed Him; and He received them and spoke to them about the kingdom of God, and healed those who had need of healing.

Hebrews 9:11 But Christ came as High Priest of the good things to come, with the greater and more perfect tabernacle not made with hands, that is, not of this creation.

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Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Journal 5/23/07

Lord,

I am not a person who likes to “Spiritualize” every little thing and make it out to be some supernatural thing. But for the last 4 months or so almost every day I see the number 911. No matter what I am doing I will look at the clock both in the morning and at night daily and it will be 9:11 or I will be driving and see a license plate that says 911 or I will be adding up numbers at work and the total will be 911; and so I see these reminders on a daily basis. I am curious Lord, are you trying to tell me something? I am determined to base EVERYTHING upon your word alone. As your word is eternal and complete and I do not want to stray from the sure foundation of your eternal word. But I also believe that you do speak to your kids and you may be speaking to me. Or you may not be speaking to me. And the truth is that I simply do not know what if you are or not.

You say in your word that if I ask you for wisdom then you would supply it abundantly. So here I am Lord asking for your wisdom with this area of my life. Is there something that you are trying to warn me about Lord? Is there something that I need to hear from you about or is this something that I am to ignore because it is a figment of my imagination? Please make your answer to this important question of mine clear to me. Because I won’t move in either direction until you speak clearly in a way that I understand. I need your insight and counsel and wisdom.

In Jesus name…..Amen

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Monday, May 21, 2007

Where's the Evidence?

Where's the Evidence?

Imagine that you are looking at a luxury liner moving through calm waters. To your amazement about a dozen people jump off the ship, and cling to a lifeboat. You watch as the rest of the passengers stand on the ship and laugh at them. You can understand their reaction. What those few people did was foolish. It made no sense.

Suddenly, the ship hits an unseen iceberg and sinks, taking with it all who stayed on board. Now you see that those who seemed like fools were wise, but those who stayed on the ship and seemed to be wise, were fools.

We have in the Bible a command to jump off the luxury liner of this world. Before you laugh at stupid Christians, ask yourself if there is any proof that its claims are true. Here is compelling evidence that the Bible is no ordinary book:

Jeremiah 33:22 (written 2500 years ago): "As the host of heaven cannot be numbered, neither the sand of the sea measured."

The Bible claimed that there are billions of stars ("host of heaven" is the biblical term for the stars). When it made this statement, no one knew how vast the numbers of stars were as only about 1,100 were observable. Now we know that there are billions of stars, and that they cannot be numbered.

Job 26:7 (written 3500 years ago): "He stretches out the north over the empty place, and hangs the earth upon nothing."

The Bible claimed that the earth freely floated in space. Science then thought that the earth sat on a large animal. We now know that the earth has a free float in space.

Hebrews 11:3 (written 2000 years ago): "Through faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that things which are seen were not made of things which do appear."

The Bible claims that all creation is made of invisible material. Science then was ignorant of the subject. We now know that the entire creation is made of invisible elements called "atoms."

Leviticus 17:11 (written 3000 years ago): "For the life of the flesh is in the blood."
The Scriptures declare that blood is the source of life. Up until 120 years ago, sick people were "bled", and many died because of the practice. We now know that blood is the source of life. If you lose your blood, you will lose your life.

Leviticus 15:13 (written 3000 years ago): "And when he that has an issue is cleansed of his issue; then he shall number to himself seven days for his cleansing, and wash his clothes, and bathe his flesh in running water, and shall be clean."

The Bible said that when dealing with disease, hands should be washed under running water. Up until 100 years ago doctors washed their hands in a basin of still water, resulting in the death of multitudes. We now know that doctors must wash their hands under running water.

The Encyclopedia Britannica documents that in 1845, a young doctor in Vienna named Dr. Ignaz Semmelweis was horrified at the terrible death rate of women who were dying after giving birth in hospitals. As many as 30% of those giving birth died. The Doctor noted that doctors would examine the bodies of those who had died, then, without washing their hands, go straight to the next wards and examine expectant mothers. This was their normal practice, because the presence of microscopic diseases was unknown. Doctor Semmelweis insisted that doctors wash their hands before examinations, and the death rate immediately dropped down to 2%.

Job 38:35 (written 3,500 years ago. God Himself speaking): "Can you send lightning’s, that they may go and say unto you, Here we are?"

The Bible here is saying a scientifically ludicrous statement -- that light can be sent, and then manifest itself in speech. But did you know that radio waves move at the speed of light? This is why you can have instantaneous wireless communication with someone on the other side of the earth. Science didn't discover this until 1864 when "the British scientist James Clerk Maxwell suggested that electricity and light waves were two forms of the same thing" (Modern Century Illustrated Encyclopedia, Vol. 12).

Isaiah 40:22 (written 2800 years ago): "It is he that sits upon the circle of the earth."
The Bible informs us here that the earth is round. At a time when science believed that the earth was flat, it was the Scriptures that inspired Christopher Columbus to sail around the world. He wrote: "It was the Lord who put it into my mind. I could feel His hand upon me . . . there is no question the inspiration was from the Holy Spirit because He comforted me with rays of marvelous illumination from the Holy Scriptures . . ." (From his diary, in reference to his discovery of "the New World").

Job 38:19 (written 3500 years ago). "Where is the way where light dwells?"
Modern man has only just discovered that light (electromagnetic radiation) has a "way," involving motion traveling at 186,000 miles per second.

Genesis 1:1,3 (written 3,450 years ago): "In the beginning God created the Heaven and the earth . . . And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters."
Science expresses the universe in five terms: time, space, matter, power and motion. "In the beginning (time) God created (power) the Heaven (space) and the earth (matter) . . . And the Spirit of God moved (motion) upon the face of the waters."

Why did the dinosaur disappear? This is something that has modern science mystified, but the Bible may have the answer (written 3500 years ago. God Himself is speaking):

"Behold now behemoth, which I made with thee; he eats grass as an ox. Lo now, his strength is in his loins, and his force is in the navel of his belly. He moves his tail like a cedar: the sinews of his stones are wrapped together. His bones are as strong pieces of brass; his bones are like bars of iron. He is the chief of the ways of God: he that made him can make his sword to approach unto him. Surely the mountains bring him forth food, where all the beasts of the field play. He lies under the shady trees, in the covert of the reed, and fens. The shady trees cover him with their shadow; the willows of the brook compass him about. Behold, he drinks up a river, and hastens not: he trusts that he can draw up Jordan into his mouth. He takes it with his eyes: his nose pierces through snares. (Job 40:15-24).

This was the Largest of all creatures He made.It was plant-eating (herbivorous).It had its strength in its hips.Its tail was like a large tree (a cedar).It had very strong bones.Its habitat was among the trees.Drank massive amounts of water.His nose pierced through snares.
Then Scripture says, " . . . He that made him can make his sword approach to him." In other words, God caused this, the largest of all the creatures He had made, to become extinct.

Psalm 8:8: "And the fish of the sea, and whatsoever passes through the paths of the seas."
What does the Bible mean by "paths" of the seas? The sea is just a huge mass of water, how then could it have "paths?" Man discovered the existence of ocean currents in the 1850's, but the Bible declared the science of oceanography 2,800 years ago. Matthew Maury (1806- 1873) is considered to be the father of oceanography. He was bedridden during a serious illness and asked his son to read a portion of the Bible to him. While listening, he noticed the expression "paths of the sea." Upon his recovery, Maury took God at His word and went looking for these paths. His book on oceanography is still considered a basic text on the subject and is still used in universities.

Jonah 2:6 (written 2,800 years ago): "I went down to the bottoms of the mountains; the earth with her bars was about me for ever: yet have you brought up my life from corruption, O LORD my God."

When Jonah was in the depths of the ocean, he spoke of going down to the "bottoms of the mountains." Only in recent years has man discovered that there are mountains on the ocean floor. The greatest ocean depth has been sounded in the Challenger Deep of the Mariana's Trench, a distance of 35,798 feet below sea level. Mount Everest is 29,035 feet high.

Amos 9:6 (written 2,800 years ago): "He . . . calls for the waters of the sea, and pours them out upon the face of the earth; the Lord is His name."

The Mississippi River dumps over six million gallons of water per second into the Gulf of Mexico. Where does all that water go? That's just one of thousands of rivers. The answer lies in the hydrologic cycle, something that was not fully accepted until the sixteenth and seventeenth centuries, 2500 years after the Bible said that God takes the waters of the sea, and pours them upon the face of the earth.

Job 38:12, 14, (written 3500 years ago) God Himself says: "Have you commanded the morning since your days; and caused the dayspring to know his place; that it might take hold of the ends of the earth, that the wicked might be shaken out of it? It [the earth] is turned as clay to the seal; and they stand as a garment."

Modern science has come to understand that the earth's rotation on its axis is responsible for the sun's rising and setting. The picture here is of a vessel of clay being turned or rotated upon the potter's wheel -- an accurate analogy of the earth's rotation.

Psalm 19:4-6: "In them has He set a tabernacle for the sun, which is as a bridegroom coming out of his chamber, and rejoices as a strong man to run a race. His [the sun's] going forth is from the end of the heaven, and his circuit unto the ends of it: and there is nothing hid from the heat thereof."

Bible critics have scoffed at these verses, saying that they teach that the sun revolves around the earth. Science told them that the sun was stationary. Then they discovered that the sun is in fact moving through space at approximately 600,000 miles per hour. It is traveling through the heavens and has a "circuit" just as the Bible says. It is estimated that its circuit is so large, it would take 200 million years to complete one orbit.

Job 38:22 (written 3,500 years ago). God says: "Have you entered into the treasures of the snow?"

It wasn't until the advent of the microscope that man discovered that each and every single snowflake is uniquely a symmetrical "treasure."

Genesis 2:1 (after creation): "Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them."

The Hebrew word used here is the past definite tense for the verb "finished," indicating an action completed in the past, never again to occur. The creation was "finished" -- once and for all. That is what the First Law of Thermodynamics says. It states that neither matter nor energy can be either created or destroyed. There is no "creation" ongoing today. It is "finished" exactly as the Bible states.

Hebrews 1:10,11 (written 2000 years ago): ". . . And, You, Lord, in the beginning have laid the foundation of the earth; and the heavens are the works of your hands: They shall perish; but you remain; and they all shall wax old as does a garment." The Bible tells us that the earth is wearing out. This is what the Second Law of Thermodynamics states. This wasn't discovered by science until comparatively recently.

Genesis 17:12: "And he that is eight days old shall be circumcised among you, every man child in your generations, he that is born in the house, or bought with money of any stranger, which is not of thy seed."

Why was circumcision to be carried out on the eighth day? Medical science has discovered that the eighth day is the only day in the entire life of the newborn that the blood clotting element prothrombin is above 100%.

Genesis 3:15: "And I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your seed and her seed; it shall bruise your head, and you shall bruise his heel."

This verse reveals that a female possesses the "seed of life." This was not the common knowledge until a few centuries ago. It was widely believed that the male only possessed the "seed of life" and that the woman was nothing more than a glorified incubator.

Isaiah 40:12 (written 2,800 years ago): "Who has measured the waters in the hollow of His hand . . ."

We are told that God has measured the waters and set a proper amount of water on the earth. Modern science has proved that the quantity of water on earth is just enough for our needs. If the sea became three meters deeper, the water would absorb all the carbon dioxide and nitrogen, and no creature could live any longer.

Job 26:7 (written 3500 years ago): "He stretches out the north over the empty place . . ."
Less than 200 years ago, through the advent of massive telescopes, science learned about the great empty space in the north.

Isaiah 40:22 (written 2,800 years ago): "It is He that . . . stretches out the heavens as a curtain, and spreads them out as a tent to dwell in."

Scientists are beginning to understand that the universe is expanding, or stretching out. At least seven times in Scripture we are clearly told that God stretches out the heavens like a curtain.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Journal 5/17/07

Father,

You are the God of all Creation. You created the worlds without end and You deserve to be praised, and glorified. You are holy and righteous, all wise, you are without measure and know no boundaries as you O Lord are infinite. You are sovereign and all-powerful and can do what you please any way that you choose to. You are holy and Majestic. You have total and absolute moral purity and cannot sin nor think evil.

Father you are Omniscience in that you possess perfect knowledge and have no need to learn anything. You know everything and I praise you that I do not need to hide anything from you. You are faithful and do not lie. Any and everything that you say will come to pass and I can rest in full assurance of faith as you are truth. And you are love. Your love is not just an emotion but a demonstration. You love in word and in deed. You are Omnipotent; you possess all power as your power is infinite. Your power never runs out and never need to be replenished.

You self exist. You are eternal and are complete in and of yourself. And you are self-sufficient. You have life in and of yourself. You have no needs. You don’t need help, or counsel, or food or knowledge; you have all of it. And you are full of justice. You do not conform to outside pressure and you will not be bribed.

You never change Lord. You are immutable and are the same today, yesterday and forevermore. And your mercy overwhelms me as I see that you are actively compassionate towards those whom you love and even those who hate you. And oh how you are good. You are kind, and cordial and benevolent and full of good will towards all people.You are gracious as you give GREAT gifts to those whom you love. And we do not deserve your grace. Oh God I worship you for you are Omnipresent and are everywhere all the time. You are always with me no matter where I go.

For you are Elohim, you are God of the Beginning, God of Justice, God of forgiveness, God of heights and depth, and width and length. You are God my strength, the God of all gods. You are a Holy God, a Faithful God, a Great God. You are the God of Israel, the God of heaven and Earth. You are the God of my Salvation as you are the Most High God.

You are my banner and my provider, you are my peace and my maker. And for this I worship you for there is NONE like YOU at all. I worship you my King.

I am so grateful to be yours. Thank you for being so much bigger than I could imagine or perceive. You ROCK!!!!
Bill

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Monday, May 14, 2007

Thoughts

Purity and prayer daily means that God will work in my life.

Eliminate Impurity and Cultivate Prayer

This was the message on Sunday at my church. It was a good message.

Journal 5/14/07

Lord,

I wanted to sit down and write you a letter. Too often I come to you with my request or my burdens and I know that I need to do those things. But this time I want to just talk with you about whatever you desire to talk about. I am here Jesus, I sit here and I worship you while I wait for you to speak your heart to me.

How was your day Jesus? Did you do anything miraculous today? I am sure you did. What steps do I need to take to fall more in line with you? What am I not doing that I ought to be doing? What am I doing wrong; what is the root cause that could be changed to help me walk closer in line with your desires and will for me?

What is your absolute favorite thing to do? What makes you laugh? What puts a smile on your face or puts you in a silly mood? Does anything? Are you serious only? Or are you one who laughs when something is funny? What is your favorite kind of food? I know you like fish and bread because you ate it often in your Word.

Am I really one of yours? Sometimes I don’t think I am. And too often I open my mouth and insert my foot. I am such a miserable person to be around most of the time. How do I get my eyes off of what I am not and keep them on what and who you are?

I remember when you drew me that picture in the sky Lord. That was so amazing to me. The colors were so radiant and crisp. You totally blew me away and it melted my heart as I was set ablaze at your devotion to me. Can you do something like that again? Will you reach out and touch me in a way that puts your fingerprints on my soul? I want to behold you as I am held by you.

I like who I am when I am with you. I like who you cause me to be. Because the reality is that you complete me Lord. You are everything I need and truly what I desire. You are radical and I am grateful that you are real and that you love me. Please speak to me your child……I sit here and again I wait in hopes of hearing words that no one is able to speak but you alone because you are God. Here I am Lord……at this moment in time as I sit here waiting for you to either speak or to simply return for your waiting bride. Come Lord Jesus Come!

Bill

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Friday, May 11, 2007

Journal 5/11/07

Dad,

There was a time when I was younger when I said that I would follow You wherever You go. I had so many traits of the Apostle Peter where I thought I would never deny You nor walk away from You. But the years have taken a toll on my passion and have quenched the flame that burned within me for so many years. I feel as if I have burned down all the bridges that You have built to me Lord. I feel as if I have forsaken You too many times. Yet I know that Your grace covers my faithlessness. I know that it does not excuse it but Your blood covers me. Oh how I want You to burn in me a flame of passion for You and Your kingdom once again. I want to flee from my religion of apathy and run in love towards You Lord. I want to be a person who simply seeks to know You. Help me draw near to You Lord.

You know Lord that many times in my barrenness when I have been in the desert places in my journey with You that there have been times I have felt that You were pure fiction. And in those times You have heard my failed petitions to serve You endlessly. You have heard my empty clatter and shallow words. Most of my petitions from me to You have failed. Not because of You but because of where my heart has been. Every boast in my heart that I have had of following after You have ended in my simple denial of You and Your power. Anything I have generated in and of myself has only left me fruitless and faithless towards You. Yet though I am faithless You remain faithful and devoted to me.

I want to SCREAM AAAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!! But it doesn’t make me feel any better. As I sit here and hate the sins that I allow to overtake me far too often. Why o’ soul do you pursue the things that can never satisfy? Why O’ why wont you surrender fully to Jesus? What are you afraid of? What is it that you are confused about? I hate you at times because you take me from the One who loves me. I hate and am so frustrated with myself because I refuse to remain in that place where I simply sit with Jesus.

How I long to be a different person than I really am. How I long to sing from the heart in passionate devotion to You Jesus as You take me from this valley into the highest of heights. I used to say that I would do anything for You and time has revealed that to not be so true. Why wont I surrender all of me fully to You Lord?

Jesus, please give me another love song for You. Give me songs of praise for You. Give me songs of surrender from my heart to You. Help me to convey not just my heart but Your heart through songs and through writing. I am so desperate. I am so needy. Yet those words “I am” can do two things. I can think of me and what “I am.” Or I can think upon the Great I AM! What a difference that makes. When my focus is removed from me and placed on You.

And what happens when I take my eyes off me and put them on You? I start thinking about things bigger than me as I get a glimpse at Your heart. I start to think about the unsaved peoples of this world.

God you alone can save the nations and can reach the people groups of the world. Please open up the doors to reach these people. You know all things and I desire to get my heart in line with Yours. I want to be like the prophet Isaiah where I cry out the words, “Woe is me! I am a man of unclean lips”, as I am undone in your presence. I want to receive the coal from your alter that deals with the specific sins that I embrace so that you can cleanse me. And then I want to hear You speak as Isaiah heard You talking among your Godhead where You said, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for Us?”

I want to be one who hears that. I want to hear Your call to the nations and I want to respond. I desire to be a man who no longer determines his own steps but answers Your call. I want to be a man who says, “Send me Lord!”

I often say that I love You Lord and it seems that You has been leading me as I ask You to bless all my plans. But I am not so sure that I have been following You. I think I have been doing what I want and following my own steps as I build my house on the sand instead of the Rock.

If that is the case, please redirect me. I repent, at least I think I do…..history would tell me no that I am not repenting but I don’t care about history or what I have done or not done in the past. I really want to at this moment in time to give You all of me. So here I am Lord. I stand here before the Great I Am and I seek Your counsel and desire to hear Your voice. You are moving in the midst of Your church and I desire at this point in time to get in line and to align my heart with Yours. Please have Your way with me.

This is my heart and my petition to You my King, my Lord, my Father and my Dad. And I come to You on the merits of Jesus….so I know You hear this petition and I know You will answer it. So here I am waiting……until I hear You say the words…..SO BE IT!

Amen!

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Wednesday, May 09, 2007

This is true worship!!!

1 After these things I looked, and behold, a door standing open in heaven. And the first voice which I heard was like a trumpet speaking with me, saying, “Come up here, and I will show you things which must take place after this.”2 Immediately I was in the Spirit; and behold, a throne set in heaven, and One sat on the throne. 3 And He who sat there was like a jasper and a sardius stone in appearance; and there was a rainbow around the throne, in appearance like an emerald.

4 Around the throne were twenty-four thrones, and on the thrones I saw twenty-four elders sitting, clothed in white robes; and they had crowns of gold on their heads. 5 And from the throne proceeded lightnings, thunderings, and voices. Seven lamps of fire were burning before the throne, which are the seven Spirits of God. 6 Before the throne there was a sea of glass, like crystal. And in the midst of the throne, and around the throne, were four living creatures full of eyes in front and in back. 7 The first living creature was like a lion, the second living creature like a calf, the third living creature had a face like a man, and the fourth living creature was like a flying eagle. 8 The four living creatures, each having six wings, were full of eyes around and within. And they do not rest day or night, saying:

“ Holy, holy, holy,
Lord God Almighty,
Who was and is and is to come!”

9 Whenever the living creatures give glory and honor and thanks to Him who sits on the throne, who lives forever and ever, 10 the twenty-four elders fall down before Him who sits on the throne and worship Him who lives forever and ever, and cast their crowns before the throne, saying:

11 “ You are worthy, O Lord,
To receive glory and honor and power;
For You created all things,
And by Your will they exist and were created.”

We will be there one day and be able to partake in this.....oh how I cant wait!!!!

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Journal 5/9/07

Father,

My heart tends to be so cold these days. I wish I were no longer in this body and in my glorified body where sin no longer dwells inside of me. Please come back for your bride. I want to be with you.....I am tired of constantly walking away from you and your presence. This body of death that I live in is so overwhelming and it is hard for me to do the right things when the darkness of my own sin and flesh consume me as they do. I am such a joke yet you love me. And your love towards me always brings me back to you. Thank you. Please help me to stay in that place where you are.

In Jesus name I pray...Amen.

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Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Journal 5/2/07

I sit here with really nothing to say Lord. I don't really have many prayer request and that is probably to my shame. But as I write I already have request.....lol.

Please help Billy Jr to start using the bathroom in the toilet. He gets the worse rashes and we need your help Jesus. I don't know how to potty train him. And giving him enimas gets old quickly. Please heal his scared mind and whatever it is that he thinks about which causes him to not go. Please heal him.

I pray for Jessica that you would give her grace with homescooling and balancing work and raising the kids and all that she does. Please help her to sit with you and to embrace you in the midst of chaos.

I pray for Tobias and I thank you that he is totally potty trained. I do ask that if you are willing that he would not have autism. But if he does please prepare Jessica and I for that.

I pray for Mercy and I ask that you would raise her to be passionately sold out to you Jesus. Please protect her from the trash in this world and use her for your glory.

I pray for the high school kids and I ask that you would take a hold of their hearts and transform them into people sold out to their God......

In Jesus name I pray.....Amen!

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Monday, April 30, 2007

update

Well, my wife and my son did the march of dimes on Saturday and the organization in Portland raised more that a million bucks. Again I want to say thank you for those who donated and for those who prayed. You all are so awesome.

Now I can get back to my normal journal.

Bill

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

From my wife

4 days left!

Dear Friends and Family,

This Saturday is the March of Dimes, WalkAmerica! Walkathon. Many of you have poured out your love, words of encouragement, and financial support as well. I am so grateful for everything. I am only $50 away from my goal, and was hoping to see if anyone else was interested in helping me raise support.

We have been unbelievably blessed, much to our amazement. These past few months have been extremely emotional for me, as I have been recalling the experience that we had to endure. As well as the joy that we feel now, as we gaze upon our miracle child. Unfortunately, every year millions of families aren’t able to experience the intense feeling of awe and wonder when watching their miracle baby. With your support we can work to change that. March of Dimes is about researching, finding ways to prevent premature births and babies born with birth defects and serious health issues. As I’ve said in previous updates, Premature Births are the #1 cause of death in newborns today. My goal, my mission is to help spare families of that sorrow.

If you haven’t yet, please read my son’s story. You can read about it here:

www.jessicascott00.blogspot.com/2007/02/miracle-that-is-my-son.html

I implore you to find it in your heart, to donate to this amazing cause. It doesn’t need to be a grand amount of money. $1.00 if that’s all you can spare. Just know that you’ve helped a cause that is working to transforms lives around the world.

My personal donation page is: here: http://www.walkamerica.org/personal_page.asp?w=700715
Unfortunately, it’s too late in the game for me to accept anymore checks, as they wouldn’t get here in time. And for that I apologize. I can still take credit card, paypal, and debit card as a method of payment.I thank you, for your support. Both financially, and prayerfully. It’s with your help that we can a make a difference in the world.

Sincerely,

Jessica Scott.

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Friday, April 20, 2007

You are worth it Jesus, You really are!!!

Sometimes my life doesn’t make sense at all. Sometimes the mountains seem so overwhelming and so big compared to my little, tiny, insignificant faith. The darkness seems to consume me as the blisters on my sin-stained soul over power my faith and cause me to weep in bitter lament and agony.

I wake up in the middle of the night in the darkest of darkness only to realize that it is not night at all, it is noontime and yet the walls around me are so dark that I confuse the darkness that I am in, that is imbedded in my heart with the darkness of night. It is in these times that I call out to You Jesus. Jesus, please come to me, Your child. I need Your hands of mercy and Your heart of pity to embrace my calloused and scarred heart. Please hold me and help me to embrace Your nail scarred hands of mercy.

I feel like a leaf that is circling in the wind as it is blown from one place to another; tossed to and fro. I tremble in weakness and solitude; trembling as I fumble in the darkness that consumes me. I am bitterly cold as the chill in my heart grips me and causes me to feel all alone. Yet You are with me. And though I can’t see clearly at all, I cry out in passion to the One who loves me. And You bid me to come. You bid me to lay aside the weights; to lay them down; to surrender them once and for all.

But surrender isn’t natural for me. I tend to fight for what I don’t really want and would rather carry this weight than embrace what You have given me freely; and what I desperately need. I have beaten my head against so many walls in my life that I have fallen to the floor on my knees weeping and crying as I beg You Jesus to simply hold me and to free me from this weight that snares me.

And in Your faithfulness, You do embrace me. And You do hold me. And as I sit here in Your presence, unbeknownst to me, You remove the weights that have weighed me down. And You have replaced them with wings. My labor is no more. I can fly under the power of the wind beneath my wings; Your Spirit is that wind. And now I can run the race yet I do not need to run, I get to soar under the power of the Holy Spirit as He takes me to places that are higher than life.

Oh Praise be to the Lord who has taken the weights off and empowered me to no longer be tossed to and fro in the whirlwind but rather He has given me the ability to use the winds of life as a tool to simply fly higher and higher as I go deeper and deeper into His presence. I thank You Jesus for the life that You have given me. You are worth it all. All the sweat, the toil, the labor, is worth it if only to get a little glimpse of you. You are worth it. And though I may only get a taste here and a glimpse of You there, once this race is over, I will get to see You in all Your glory!

Oh how I long for that day!

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Journal 4/20/07

So many times we lose sight of the big picture. I am so guilty of being a man who gets lost in the details and I completely lose sight of the goal. Am I in the race to win? Or am I just running in circles? Am I running at all? The Apostle Paul said that he had finished his race and how I want to be a man who can say those very words as well. I desire to finish the race that the Lord has set before me.

Too often I get distracted by other things that I forget that I am in a race. I want to run in a way that causes me to soar. I have been contemplating life these last couple of days. We really have no idea when our time will be up. Today could be the last day we have on this planet. We may only have one more hour to live. We simply do not know. And how I want to be right with my Creator and how I want to be found doing what is right when my number is up and it is time for me to leave my pilgrimage and head home.

One of the last words of one of the victims sent in an email before she died in the Virginia Tech Massacre was:

Don’t let the wind blow you away…..

These words haunt me. Am I being blown away by the whirlwind? Am I like chaff that the wind blows away. Am I like a flower that springs up but has no root and when the sun comes out it scorches me and I am blown away by the wind? Or will I be a man who trusts in the Lord and OBEYS him even in the midst of adversity? Will the wind blow me away? The wind blew 32 people away at Virginia Tech. They did not know that their number was up. One knew, that horrible wicked man who took the lives of these people. But the other 32 did not wake up knowing that they only had a few hours left on this side of eternity.

Perspective. I wonder what they would have done differently if they knew they only had moments left until their journey was over. Because who knows, your journey or mine could end at any moment. What would you do differently if you were to die in 1 hour? May I challenge you to do those very things. Do the things that matter. It has been said that if it doesn’t matter 1000 years from now then it doesn’t matter at all. That is so true. That is looking at the big picture. If it wont matter in eternity then it doesn’t matter.

Are you distracted? I am. Are you running the race? If not let’s join hands and run together. We only have one shot in this life and then its over. Run, Run, RUN the race! Don’t just run the race to get to the finish line, but run to win the race!

Don’t let the wind blow you away…..

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Thursday, April 19, 2007

Journal 4/19/07

What can I say? I am actually surprised at how I am feeling with the shooting. I always joke with my wife and tell her that I am a guy, I only have one feeling and it is usually hunger. Yet my heart is so broken for the tragedy that took place at Virgina Tech.

My prayer is that the Lord would be glorified in the midst of this and that we as people especially Americans would see the frailty of life and the importance of surrendering our lives to the Lord Jesus Christ. I am angry, and heart broken. I am reminded of a scripture in Proverbs.


Proverbs 29:16
When the wicked are multiplied, transgression increases; But the righteous will see their fall.

Psalm 37:

1 A Psalm of David. Do not fret because of evildoers, Nor be envious of the workers of iniquity. 2 For they shall soon be cut down like the grass, And wither as the green herb. 3 Trust in the Lord, and do good; Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. 4 Delight yourself also in the Lord, And He shall give you the desires of your heart. 5 Commit your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him, And He shall bring it to pass. 6 He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light, And your justice as the noonday.

7 Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him; Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, Because of the man who brings wicked schemes to pass. 8 Cease from anger, and forsake wrath; Do not fret--it only causes harm. 9 For evildoers shall be cut off; But those who wait on the Lord, They shall inherit the earth. 10 For yet a little while and the wicked shall be no more; Indeed, you will look carefully for his place, But it shall be no more. 11 But the meek shall inherit the earth, And shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace. 12 The wicked plots against the just, And gnashes at him with his teeth. 13 The Lord laughs at him, For He sees that his day is coming. 14 The wicked have drawn the sword And have bent their bow, To cast down the poor and needy, To slay those who are of upright conduct. 15 Their sword shall enter their own heart, And their bows shall be broken. 16 A little that a righteous man has Is better than the riches of many wicked. 17 For the arms of the wicked shall be broken, But the Lord upholds the righteous. 18 The Lord knows the days of the upright, And their inheritance shall be forever. 19 They shall not be ashamed in the evil time, And in the days of famine they shall be satisfied. 20 But the wicked shall perish; And the enemies of the Lord, Like the splendor of the meadows, shall vanish. Into smoke they shall vanish away.

21 The wicked borrows and does not repay, But the righteous shows mercy and gives. 22 For those blessed by Him shall inherit the earth, But those cursed by Him shall be cut off. 23 The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, And He delights in his way. 24 Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down; For the Lord upholds him with His hand. 25 I have been young, and now am old; Yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken, Nor his descendants begging bread. 26 He is ever merciful, and lends; And his descendants are blessed. 27 Depart from evil, and do good; And dwell forevermore. 28 For the Lord loves justice, And does not forsake His saints; They are preserved forever, But the descendants of the wicked shall be cut off. 29 The righteous shall inherit the land, And dwell in it forever. 30 The mouth of the righteous speaks wisdom, And his tongue talks of justice. 31 The law of his God is in his heart; None of his steps shall slide. 32 The wicked watches the righteous, And seeks to slay him. 33 The Lord will not leave him in his hand, Nor condemn him when he is judged.

34 Wait on the Lord, And keep His way, And He shall exalt you to inherit the land; When the wicked are cut off, you shall see it. 35 I have seen the wicked in great power, And spreading himself like a native green tree. 36 Yet he passed away, and behold, he was no more; Indeed I sought him, but he could not be found. 37 Mark the blameless man, and observe the upright; For the future of that man is peace. 38 But the transgressors shall be destroyed together; The future of the wicked shall be cut off. 39 But the salvation of the righteous is from the Lord; He is their strength in the time of trouble. 40 And the Lord shall help them and deliver them; He shall deliver them from the wicked, And save them, Because they trust in Him.

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Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Journal 4/17/07

With the Virginia Tech Massacre on the front pages of the news I wanted to stop for a moment and ponder this horrible tragedy. When things like this happen and lives are cut short it really breaks my heart knowing that God's orginal creation was not meant to be this way. Sin is so devistating as we all can see from the front pages of the newspapers. How I can't wait until the day that the curse will be reversed and sin is finally judged once and for all.

And yet as I say this in my heart I look inside and see my sin and then fear grips me as I don't want to stand before the Lord and give an account for all the things that I have done wrong. My heart is going in every direction right now. I know that Jesus has redeemed me, yet my emotions are still all over the place.

As I go back to thinking about Adam and Eve in the Garden, when they blew it they had no idea what the result would be. There son was a murderer. He killed his own brother. And that tragedy, that same sin has gone on all through the ages where it culminates in today's headlines that 32 were slain and another took his own life.

What this does to me is it causes me to see the urgency of telling people about Jesus. The reality is that all 33 of those people are in eternity. I do not know who were or were not Christians out of that group, but all of them are in eternity and that could be a blessing or it could be a scary thing. I wonder how many of them woke up that morning thinking that they would be in eternity that day? Probably not many of them. Probably none of them. And yet reality hits and there they are in eternity. They are either with the Lord or they are in hell. My prayer is that they are with the Lord.

Father,

Teach me to number my days. I don't know how much time I have left or how much time my friends and family have left. Please use me for your glory. Help me to get the good news out that you made a way for people to not go to hell. Time is short and we do not have much time left. Please use me as a light for your glory.

Please bring comfort to the families that have suffered this horrible tragedy. Please use this nightmare to cause those who don't know you to think about eternity and to get right with their Creator, You. In Jesus name I pray....

Amen

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prayer

So I took some night time meds for allergies by mistake instead of the day time ones.....and man am I sleepy yet I am at work and have to endure. If you get a moment, please pray. I can barely breath as my nose is so plugged and I am very tired.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Journal 4/13/07

Father,

Please do a work in your people around the world. Cause us to hunger and thirst for you in ways that we never have before. Please let your holy fire fall down upon us as you ignite our passion. Use us to reach the lost, and use me Jesus to teach and bring others into your wonderful presence.

You are so holy, and pure and I am grateful that you love me. Wow.

What are you and I going to do in heaven? We will do what Adam did in the Garden of Eden. We will walk with God in the cool of the day. When we understand the bible, it is awesome what is going to happen.

In the 1st few chapters of the book of Genesis we see the creation of man and the fellowship that man had with God. We also see the fall of man. In the last chapter of the bible; chapter 22 of the book of Revelation it shows us a picture of a city which is the heavenly Jerusalem.

There is a river coming from the throne God. It shows us a place that we know as paradise. There it has the tree of life that you and I will eat from. Do you remember that tree of life that was in the Garden of Eden? When man fell, and God placed angels in front of this tree of Life to guard it so that no one could eat of it. Why?

Because in God’s mercy he did not want fallen man to live forever in their wicked and sinful bodies. So he is going to glorify you and I and then we will again have access to that tree of life. And it says in Revelation that the curse will be lifted. The curse will be reversed.

It takes the ENTIRE bible to lay down God’s plan of redemption. When you understand and can see the whole picture, it is so exciting that God is going to one day really walk with you and I. Oh I can't wait.

Come Lord Jesus!

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Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Journal 4/11/07

My whole life I place in Your hands, God of Mercy I cry out and plead for your unfailing, never changing mercy to be poured onto my life as I humbly I bow down in Your presence. Every time I call out to You, You answer, and You come to my rescue which causes me to desire to be where You are. Be lifted high in my life, in my world, and in my soul. There is no one else for me but You Jesus because You died for me and now I live to bring You praise. All my hope is in You alone.

I need to be more consistent in my walk with You. Will You help me to walk in holiness on a regular basis? It is so easy for me to play the part but to actually live out the life that You desire me to live is a whole different story and I utterly fail. I fall miserably short.

I hate the fact that at the end of the day I stand as a fallen rebellious soul who is simply hopeless. And I have no excuse Jesus, I am unclean and that reality hits me deeply. I am so tired of making empty promises to You that I simply fail to commit myself to. What can I say? I stand here without excuse. And that is why I am coming to You Jesus. You say that I can come boldly with confidence into Your throne room to find grace in my time of need and I need Your grace. I need Your forgiveness and I need to meet with You.

I stand here, with my arms stretched out pleading for mercy. I abandon my heart as I embrace Your grace. I surrender myself once again to You as I stand here in total awe that You gave all of You for me. All I have and all that I am belongs to You now. You are the Master and I am the servant and I like it that way. Help me to serve in Your courts all the days of my life Jesus.

I love You…..in Jesus name I pray…..Amen

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Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Journal 4/10/07

What will we do when the music stops? Will we still have that spring in our step or will we simply go to the side lines and stop dancing? When the scriptures tell us to make melodies in our hearts; can we do that when the music is not there? What will we do? Will we be those kind of Christians who live off the past work of the Lord? Will we only reminisce of the good times when the dance floor was full of life? Will we live in that place where we don’t move forward but stay in that place where we think about the past as we try to live our current life off the times of the past?

I think of the stars in heaven. You look at those stars and you say, “Wow that is a beautifully bright and shining star!” But most of us know that when we look at a star, we are not seeing the light of the star that was shining that day. The light that we are seeing could take 5 years to reach the earth.

That means that when we look at the brightness of a star and see that is it shining brightly, it could have already died. We are only seeing the light that it once had. One day we will see ultimately that it is dead but that will take some time.

I wonder how many of our walks with the Lord are built on and are living in the past. What a word for us right now. What a word for me! Are we living in our past experiences with God? Are we saying that was a great work of God? It certainly was. But what is going on today? Is our walk with the Lord like that star that is shining but is really already dead? Is it just the light of the past that we are living on that will ultimately fizzle out? Where are we at with the Lord? For me; I have been living in past glory. I have not been living on the current fresh living word of God and I fear that if I remain in this place that the light may fizzle out if it is not already dead.

The solution: Repent. That is all that I need to do. I simply need to repent and turn to the Lord. I no longer need to live in past glory but in new fresh living glory. God is so good and I am so grateful that he loves me the way in which he does. There is such a beautiful simplicity when it comes to Jesus. He really makes it easy for us to simply sit with him.

The Lord desires to do a new work in all of our lives, but we must move forward. We have to leave the dance floor of the past and move on. We MUST move forward…..will we? What will you do? We must leave the elementary things of the past and move on to the finer dances of life. The dances now can be way more intimate than ever before, as the Lord desires to take us from the fast dances of childish faith to the finer slower, intimate dances where he takes our hand and leads us in the most intricate and interwoven steps where we become one with him.

What will we do when the music stops? I don’t know about you, but I am going to get ready for the next dance…..as I wait for the Lord of the Dance.

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Monday, April 09, 2007

Update

So the worship pastor of my church (Calvary Chapel Portland) called me and asked me to record one of my worship songs on their next CD. Talk about cool! that is so exciting. Please pray for me that the Lord would bless the recording. I think I will start recording this Saturday....

Also, I have new recording software and am in the process of recording my own CD. I need prayer as I have 18 original songs and I need to figure out which ones to put onto the CD. I also need prayer as I have never recorded a CD before and I am doing it all from my computer so if you could lift that up, that would be a blessing.

And lastly, I wrote a novel and I am wanting to get it published yet am clueless as to where to place it or what to do with it. So please pray for me with this as well. Thank you all very much.

Bill

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Journal 4/3/07

I love Spring! What a wonderful season as the winds of change start breathing new life into the air. The winter chill is slowly dissipating as those things that appeared dead and dormant spring back to life.

What a picture of my spiritual life. So many times I am dead or dormant in my walk with the Lord and then all of a sudden the seasons change spiritually and the Lord breathes fresh new life into my weary and apathetic soul. And when those times do come I am able to see Jesus in a whole new light, as he becomes fresh or is it that he refreshes me because he is so refreshing!

But do not be deceived; spring has not yet come for me spiritually, I am still in the dead of winter and though I may not be refreshed now, I do hope for new hop in my step spiritually real soon. The Lord simply is too caring to leave me here in this place of hibernation for too long. He will come for me and when he does, all I can say is wow.

The Lord is returning and though the weight of this life is crushing at times, what a ride it will be when Jesus returns for his bride. I can’t wait……well, I have to wait, but boy do I look forward to that wonderful day! Come Lord Jesus Come!

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Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Journal 3/28/07

Sometimes it is so hard to breath as life chokes away and clouds my mind in despair. And as I try to focus through all the fog I lose my sense of purpose until I ponder upon You in all Your glory; for I know that your eyes of fire see right through me. And I feel so ashamed. I feel so disfigured and lost. If my life is to be pictured as a painting then I feel as if my colors are bleeding all over the place. I sometimes feel trapped as if I have locked myself in a room of walls colored in despair and hopelessness. These walls are too high and yet I have locked myself in from the inside.

As a boy I would hide from the eyes that would haunt me. I ran from the fire as it chased and burned away the very core of who I was. I ran and ran as I cowered in fear and shame from the enemy that wanted to kill me. My eyes were cut away in darkness and I was unable to see and feel that I was hungry; naked and hopeless. I was so lost. I ran on broken feet until I could no longer run from the pain swelling deep inside me. I was forced to crawl. I was a beggar as I pleaded for mercy on my face. I moved in fear and despair until I came to a place where I saw You on bended knee with Your arms open.

But I am not a boy now and yet I find myself in this isolated room of darkness as I tread the waters of fear. I cry out, “Take me from all that is wrong and evil in my life! Please collapse these walls that I have labored and strained to build! Woe is me for these walls haunt me! They taunt my soul and I cannot take anymore of this! Please let these tears of mine that flood this room collapse the very walls that have strangled this life of mine. These walls crush me and I can no longer contain myself.”

So I stumble through the darkness and as I swim in my tears. I struggle and gasp for air as the torrents flood and drench my tear stained face. It is in this place of utter misery and fear that I look and see a small light. And in my minds eye I can see that You are that light that is here with me. Your light shines in the midst of the misery that entails my soul. I am afflicted, I am torn, I am in a place of utter desolation and Your light is here shining upon the horizon of my life. So I start to follow Your light as I again swim. Oh how Your light shines. I frantically splash and strain as I move through the crashing waves to find a way out of this room that I have built and locked myself into.

I feel the power of darkness as it tries to overtake me. And though the mountains fall upon me yet I will trust in You. For who have I but You? The Lord is the light of my salvation and the strength of my life. Who shall I fear O Lord? Of whom shall I be afraid? You are my comfort and my sustainer. And in You alone do I trust, even when I feel as if I am alone, I will place my trust in You alone! Praise be to God the Father through the blood of His Son Jesus Christ that I am able to stand in the midst of darkness until His light shines through and delivers me yet again from the fear that grips my soul.

I love you Jesus.

Bill

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Update

I have been battling a cold/flu and I am totally wiped out. If you get a chance please pray for me....thanks.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Journal 3/23/07

Father,

You are the reason I live; I am so amazed at who you are and the destiny that I have because I am one of yours. You are the treasure that I seek; I seek you more than any precious ruby; for you are priceless. You are the song that I sing; you are the melody in my heart. You cause me to cry out in praise as I see you in your glory. You are the air that I breath and the water that I drink; you sustain my every fiber as you nourish my soul. May your will be done in me all the days of my life. May you freely reign in my heart mind and soul. You are my quest as I journey this life with you next to me. I look forward to the journey of life that you have taken me upon. What an adventure life is. You are the fire in my soul; you cleanse and wash and purify me. You are my consuming love and passion and I am grateful that you love me.. Please Lord rule over me and show me your ways as I lay myself at your alter of love.

I look forward to the marriage that will take place on that day when you come back for me. I can’t wait until you rapture me Jesus. I can’t wait to come back with you in your 2nd Coming. What a joy that will be when your bride returns with you as the future events unfold. I love you Jesus.

Bill

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Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Journal 3/21/07 - Part 2

It has been said that man would climb the highest heights and walk the lowest depths for the sake of love. And as people romanticize about love they tend to believe that they would endure any hardship for the sake of love. But will man really journey through the darkest of times for love’s sake? Will a man press on day after day as he searches for his lost love with an unrelenting passion? Will the winds of life encourage the man to press on and to continue moving forward in the face of adversity? Or will the stress of this lost love consume the man to the point of utter exhaustion causing him to wither up and die like a leaf without water? Will he press on, endure and with all that is inside of him search frantically for that love that he so desperately needs? Or will he die a bitter lonely death as he rots from the inside out?

Will a man swim the seas searching for that which is merely intangible or will he search frantically for something that is so hard to obtain and keep in his possession? Love! What will mankind do for love?

We tend to believe in the idea that man is willing to do whatever it takes to be in the presence of the one they love. We believe that we as a fallen people are capable of loving in such a way that it drives us. Are we driven? Will we journey through seven hells just to be with the one we love?

How I long to be a man who is driven with a passion that consumes me from the inside out. How I long to pursue the one who loves me yet when I realize and see what my heart is capable of, I tend to think that there is not enough drive or passion in any man to faithfully seek the one whom they love. At best, we may move in that direction but no man is capable of loving in this way. It is not something that we can do in our fallen state.

Yet there is One who can and who has done this very thing. The Lover of my soul has endured! He has gone to the greatest depths and the harshest of storms for the sake of the love that consumed Him. His passion for me, took him on a journey that was filled with pain, grief, sorrow, despair, and hope.

For the hope set before Him he endured all things so that at last he could be with me. And I am absolutely blown away that I am the object of passion that would cause another to pursue me through all the storms. I am in awe that I would be the passion of someone who would leave the very gates of paradise to be with me. Why? I am not worthy of this sort of passion. Why would you lay your eyes upon me and pursue me?

When I look at the journey that was taken to reach me; I am moved in the very depths of my soul. You sought me! You pursued me! You love me! You love to be with me! You love to pour your heart out to me! You are consumed with thoughts of me!

I am utterly speechless and am overtaken with astonishment! And it is not that I am the greater person here. You are the King of kings and the Lord of lords. You are the Creator of all things and I am a mere peon in light of who you are. And though it should have been the other way around where I pursue you and journey in passion to find you, it was not that way. You sought me. You endured for me. You laid your eyes upon me and never lost focus, you never lost heart; you never gave up.

So I stand here now, completely undone in the presence of the King of kings. I am not worthy Jesus. I am not worthy to be loved in the manner in which you love me. I am not worthy!!!! You are worthy! You deserve my passion and love and yet its flipped around. You offer me salvation; you freely offer me freedom from my bonds and I accept. I want to be free. Your love towards me compels me to seek your face. I am Your beloved and you love me as I am…..Whoa!

Thank you for loving me. Thank you for searching me out and thank you for finding me and freeing me. There is no other place that I would rather be than with you. And yet I hear the words so clearly from your lips that there is no other place that you would rather be than with me. I don’t know what to say to that! My mouth simply drops in totally amazement and gratefulness. Thank you my Lord for leaving glory and your throne and your heavenly place and seeking me out until you found me, healed me, cleaned me and I look forward to you bringing me with you back into your heavenly kingdom.

I love you Jesus but more importantly, you love me!

Bill

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Journal 3/21/07

Father,

My heart is so hardened and numb to sin. I tend to drink it up and I hate the fact that I do so. Please teach me to number my days Lord. If I but would number my days I would have more incentive in my mind to do what I know is right and to not continue indulging in the flesh. I hate indulging in the flesh. I hate the fact that I love sin. I wish I had your heart towards sin. I wish I were appalled by it as I know I ought to be. Yet time and time again I drink it like water. And when I come to my senses I see how deceived I have been. I need your help Jesus as I live day by day and moment by moment in surrendering myself to you.

At least that is what I need to do. I need to live every moment in utter surrender. The English language is an interesting language. The word obedience has nine letters in it. If I truly want to surrender my life to Jesus then I need to place my self right in the center of obedience with the Lord. If you take the word obedience and use the center of the word obe-DIE-nce, then that is what I have to do. I have to die. In order to surrender fully to the Lord I need to die. I need to crucify my flesh and feed the Spirit that is in me.

Jesus, help me to surrender my will, my heart, my desires to you fully. Help me to die so that you might live in me. I am so frustrated with who I am apart from you. I am an utter disaster and mess.

Yet you love me and because of the work that you did when you placed yourself on the cross to take the wrath of God and the sin of man, I am able to come to you and to be cleansed. Please clean me Jesus in a practical way. Please help me to walk consistently in the ways of righteousness. Help my day to day life match my positional life in you. You have declared me clean; please help my actions to declare that louder than it has.

I worship you Jesus because you are worthy to be exalted. Thank you for loving a wretch like me.

To run and work the law commands
Yet gives me neither feet nor hands
But better news the gospel brings
It bids me fly and gives me wings!

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Monday, March 19, 2007

Journal 3/19/07

So today is my brother's birthday. How I wish he would return to the Lord that is if he ever turned to the Lord in the 1st place. For the next three days he and I will both be the same age and then I will add another number to my age and be the older brother again.

It is so amazing as I am able to look at those closest to me; those I grew up with and I am able to see the results of the choices they have made. So often sin entices me and as I feel almost obligated to give into the compulsion of my flesh. In those times when I look at the results of bad decisions or sinful behavior by those closest to me (not just my brother), it really sobers me up and the Lord uses this to show me the results of a sinful life. And when I muse upon these things in sobriety of thought; when I simply contemplate this, I am able to see the deceitfulness of sin and the net that it really is.

How I hate sin, yet time and time again, my flesh entices me to partake and taste of the vomit. And sin truly is vomit. Why is it that I can get so deceived at times and think that vomit will actually taste good? Vomit never tastes good...ever!

And I am so grateful that the Lord has blessed us with repentance. We are now able to fully repent because of the work that He did on the cross. Before I was saved, I was unable to repent, my appetite for sin was too great and if I stopped feeding my flesh in one area of my life I had to then over feed it in another area.

But it is not like that now. Though I am constantly deceived by the wickedness of my own heart, I have found the greatest food supply of all time. I can feast on real food and I never have to return to the vomit of sin. I have been (past tense according to Romans 6) delivered from my sins and I am free now. All because of what the Lord did for me on the cross. Thank you Jesus for loving me and for cleansing me. Thank you that you are able to satisfy my appetite and thirst with your living water. I will never thirst again when I feed off your word. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Bill

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Thursday, March 15, 2007

Journal 3/15/07

Come quickly Lord Jesus. Please come for me. Please take me away to be with you. How I need to be with you so desperately these days. You sustain me and I desire more and more of you. How much longer will I need to endure in this body of flesh Lord? I want more than a taste of you; I desire to see you in your fullness and in your glory.

Please lead me and sanctify me. I am so unclean when I am not in your presence and I desire your presence more than anything else in life. I hunger to be at the throne room there in heaven where true worship is happening. I thirst for you Jesus! I pant as I desperately long to be near you, to be touched by you. I love you and you love me. How much longer Jesus until you come for your bride? We desire you.

This world is so dark and depraved. It is full of deception and this world tends to deceive me more and more. My flesh deceives me. I deceive myself and I am tired of going back and forth.

Please save my kids Jesus. Please save Ronnie, Billy, Tobias and Mercy. Please let them have a taste of your glory and let them see how good you really are. Please show them their sin and teach them your ways Lord. Please wash and purify them and cause them to desire holiness. Please speak to them Lord and show them their purpose. Please redeem them as you have redeemed me from the ashes of my sin.

Please draw near to them. Let their prayers be filled with praising you. Please let them hear and see and feel how close you are to them. Please do a work in their life Lord.

You are such a good Father and wonderful, merciful friend. You love me because you love me and when the clouds cover me, you are there as my shelter. Every storm I come across you are always there catching my tears as you cradle me under your wings. You alone cause me to turn from weeping and wailing as your love for me causes me to dance and sing. I WORSHIP YOU JESUS! The Rock of my Salvation, You ROCK!!!

And when my eyes shed tears like a sudden flood it is at those times that I know you are holding me close to you. I know there are times and seasons and in all the different times and seasons that I experience I can see you there with me. When I am broken or proud, when I am walking in holiness or blatant rebellion and sin, you are there with me. And I thank you for that. Thank you for not leaving me when I stumble and fall flat on my face. Thank you for picking up the pieces in my life.

You declared in Romans 5:20 that where sin abounds grace abound much more. Thank you that there is always enough grace to cover any sin I do. And I thank you that grace is not a license to sin, but it is a license FROM sin. I am free because of the work that you did on the cross. You have delivered me and I am free now. Thank you. I praise your name because you are wonderful and powerful and you love me more than with just words but you demonstrated how much you loved me when you willingly laid down your life as a ransom for mine. THANK YOU JESUS!!!!

I love you…..

Bill Scott, Sr.

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Friday, March 09, 2007

Journal 3/9/07

So a friend of mine called me just now and gave me a scripture that he was reading. He said when he read it he thought of me and I will tell you what, I am so blessed that he called me and shared this with me. This is what body life is about. God is so good and the scripture that my friend shared with me has been my heart.

Psalm 34:8 - Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good; Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!

How I long to taste and see the Lord as he moves in the church once again. I had a glimpse of this when I was in California through my church Calvary Chapel Saving Grace. The Spirit of God was moving. You could truly taste and see the Lord in the midst of the church as His life just flowed from the alter. And my desire has been to see the Lord duplicate that work here in Portland. And by faith I trust that the Lord will do this…..it really excites me.

So to my friend who shared this scripture with me, thank you. You have no idea how that ministered to me just now. Just wait because we are going to see the Spirit of God move in power though his church here in Portland and we will be able to taste and see that the Lord Jesus is good.

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Thursday, March 08, 2007

Journal 3/8/07

The time has come for us to stand up for what we believe in. It is high time to give the Lord praise in all that we do because he gave himself for us. He is so worthy to be exalted by our hands. He is worthy to be magnified and adored because he is our faithful redeemer.

I live for you Jesus and I refuse to be ashamed of you. In my life, it is you above all else as my purpose is to lose myself in bringing you praise. Increase in me as I fade in the background of your reflection. I give all I am to seek your face because all I am is yours. You deserve nothing less than my all because you gave your all to redeem me. I praise your name Jesus.

Oh Jesus of Nazareth, King of kings and Lord of lords, I worship you and exalt you because you are my Savior and my God. I praise you Jesus. Today I live to worship you in everything that I do. Use me for your glory Jesus.

I love you Jesus Christ!

Bill

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Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Journal 3/7/07

Father,

I want my life to be lived in a way that it is all or nothing. I stand in awe in the fact that you gave up everything for me. I desire to give you my all. Because the reality is that all I am; is yours. All that I desire is simply you alone. There is nothing else that I want but you Jesus. You are what I desire and crave. You are my hope and my passion. All that I live for is the hope of experiencing all that you are. I hunger and thirst for you. In everything that I do I want to praise and exalt you! Please consume me and help me to love you on the inside. Help me to love your righteousness and justice from the depths of my being. I want to bring you praise Jesus. I want you to receive passion and praise from the depths of who I am. And I want my soul to be lit on fire with passion for your name.

I want to be where you are Jesus. I desperately seek your Spirit to fall upon Portland and upon the youth here. I desire to see you lifted high. Oh you are so worthy to be praised and magnified for you are holy and you love me. Whenever I call upon your name you hear and come to my rescue. Please pour out your spirits fire upon the city of Portland. Please move amongst your church here and light the church on fire with passion, revival and integrity. Please move your people to seek your face. Use me as a tool in the Masters hands to do your will.

What can I say? What can I really say or do but offer this heart of mine to you Jesus. I offer myself completely and wholly to you. I desire to lose myself in your grace. I want to disappear in your presence as you shine and reflect through me. I pray that your light would shine in the darkness when all other lights are fading. I desire to give all that I am when I seek your face. You are my God of mercy and compassion and you care for me.

My hands belong to you Jesus; please teach them to serve you fully. Help me to place my hand to the plow and sow for your namesake; for your kingdom. Help me to run this race with endurance as I am on this journey. I know that I will never be the same because you live in me. And I am ever so grateful that you sought me out and enabled me to seek your face. I am yours Jesus. You may do with me as you wish. I desire to be led by your Spirit as you move in my midst. I desire to be with you every moment of every day and I seek you to reign through my life.

You are everything I dreamed you would be and then some. You have captured my heart and I am in love with you Jesus. When I fail, your grace restores me. Will I continue to fail? I pray that would not be the case.

Lord, you know that in my passion for you that I can come off abrasive and I ask for your forgiveness. I thank you for the leadership that you have placed in my life; your wonderful church. I am so blessed to serve you under the leadership that you have established.

I pray that you would give the pastors and the teachers here in Portland vision. Give your bride a vision to reach the lost through the power of your spirit. Oh you love us so much and you desire to bring the people of Portland into that place where they can hear your voice and receive your salvation. So please stir up your people to pray and to stand in the gap for the people of this city and state. Thank you Jesus for loving us the way that you do. You never cease to amaze me.

I love you….

Bill

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Thursday, March 01, 2007

March of Dimes

My wife and I are getting involved in the March of dimes this year. Here is the link to all the information on how someone can support if they choose to and also there is another link with our story.

http://www.walkamerica.org/personal_page.asp?w=700715

Every year, half a million babies in the U.S. are born prematurely. Premature birth is the leading cause of newborn death and many life long disabilities. The funds we raise in WalkAmerica support research that saves babies' lives. Most of you who know me, know my story. My son, Tobias is a living, walking, breathing miracle. You can read more about it when clicking to read his story below.I hope and pray that you are able to commit to helping support the research on preventing premature births. Sparing the sorrow that I know, all too well.
Our mission is to improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth, and infant mortality.
Please visit my wife’s blog on Share Your Storywww.jessicascott00.blogspot.com/2007/02/miracle-that-is-my-son.html

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Journal 3/1/07

So today I fly out to California with my daughter as we head to my grandmothers funeral. I have written the Eulogy and pray that God would be glorified in the midst of our mourning. God is good and I am thankful that he has put all the pieces together for this memorial.

Thank you everyone for your prayers. I am so grateful for your support.

Bill

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Monday, February 26, 2007

Journal 2/26/07

I praise You for Your glory! For You are Glorious and worthy of my Praise. You call me to abide in You. You desire fellowship with me as You alone are the Holy One. I praise You for Your glory. I desire to experience you, not in just an emotional way but I desire to encounter You. I want to encounter You. By Your Spirit You prompt me to respond to You. I desire to respond to You and Your Spirit’s prompting as You reveal Yourself to me. I want to respond to who You really are as I lay aside myself and exalt You the Heavenly King.

Please come and lift the burden from my heart as David cried out in Psalm 3:3, “But You, O Lord, are a shield for me, My glory and the One who lifts up my head.” You are the lifter of my soul. I want You to take my hand and lift me up so that I can see Your glory.

To be Honest Lord, I miss those times with You that I had experienced in the past. I want to return to that special place and yet I am so unwilling at the same time. It isn’t that I am afraid of You or afraid of what You desire to do in my life, I really don’t know what it is that keeps me from where You want me to go and really where I desire to go as well.

I struggle with not having a best friend here in Oregon who is sold out to you. I miss the fellowship of being around someone like Craig or EZ. I miss being around those who are totally sold out to You and love their brothers and sisters in the Lord. It sucks not having someone who I can talk to about stuff that is on my heart. It sucks not having a male friend who I can share the good stuff and the bad stuff that is going on in my life. I miss relationships that have depth. I long for those again. I miss hanging out with the pastors who love you and are truly sincere and really care about you and others.

I feel so alone. I know I have my wife and she is a wonderful blessing. But I miss having friends. And yet I have no friends here in Oregon….I have many acquaintances, but no friends who call just to say hi. No one calls to see how I am doing, and that is ok, but it is so hard at times. The high school kids call and they are a blessing too, but I can’t pour out my heart to them as I could an adult male my age. I miss having a solid Christian in my life.

I want to please Your heart. I want this to be my desire and goal in life. I am called to love and adore You and I desire that. I want to bring my all to You in worship as I lay all that I am at Your feet. You are so desirable Jesus. I thank You for Your glory. I am grateful that You are worthy of worship. Please wash me of this world and wash me of my flesh and draw me near to You. Help me to see You for who You are as I thank You for the privilege of worship.

You are my Hope and I am utterly lost without You. I do not even know which way is up when you are not leading and guiding my steps. This world comes and crashed down upon me and yet You made me and I will not be shaken. Though I am broken into a million pieces I will yet trust you my Lord. I do trust in You. I really do. You are trustworthy. You have called me Your friend and You do satisfy me when all others fail. I fail, and they fail, yet You never fail me. And I am called Your friend if I keep Your commandments. Help me to keep Your commandments because I have not done a very good job at keeping them.

Death sucks Lord. It really sucks. Sin sucks, Chaos, uncleanness, depravity, all these things are so hard. I just don’t understand these things. Your eyes of fire look into the depths of my soul and you see me in this depravity and yet you say that you love me and you desire me. Why? WHY? WHY? Why do you desire me?

I miss You. I really miss you Jesus. I need Your love like the trees need the rain. I am like a man dying in the deserts and you are the spring of Life. You refresh me though I suffer through the garbage of the wilderness. Yet I thank you for the things that You have done for me. You have given me new life. You died and rose and gave Your life in a sacrificial way so that I could have life. Thank you. Thank you for being You. I love the way You are. You are so perfect and holy and You really do care about me. You care about my struggles and the sin I get entangled in. You really care and this causes me to thank you. You truly have laid down your life for me.

So I give you my heart so that you can free it from the chains of depravity that lay hold of it. I want to honor You with every part of my life as I cry out, “Woe is me!” I want to see You move and hear You speak. I don’t want You to remove the power of the Spirit in the life of the church. Without Your Spirit moving and direct me and us, we are doomed. I want to know you. I want to know your friendship and your fear.

I was totally destitute until you found me. And I remember the stuff that you delivered me from. I remember when I had no hope. And you delivered me. You are worth more than I could ever find in this world. Help me to take the salvation that you have offered and given to me with sobriety and seriousness as it springs up living water in my life. Help me to trust you as I partake in suffering. Help me never to partake in sin as I suffer so that suffering can have it’s perfect work in my life. Help me to place my hand on the plow and never look back. How I am so desperate and lifeless when you are not my all-in-all. So please hear my heart and please be there for me.

On the merits of Jesus and in His name I come to You my Holy Father. Help me to come boldly into Your throne room and into Your presence.

Amen

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Journal 2/26/07

So my grandmother on my dad’s side passed away last night. What a bummer. My dad is dead and has been dead for 32 years, his mom is now dead as well, and my grandfather on that side is dead and has been for a long time. One thing that is sure in life is the idea that there really is no life. We are all going to die. Death is imminent. The sad thing is when life is offered and it is rejected and looked down upon. The sad thing is when we trust in our own goodness to attain the life that we do not have.

How sad! How bitterly sad!

Life is available from God himself through Jesus his son and yet more people reject this than those who embrace this. What a horrible reality that will be embraced when life, true spiritual life is rejected. My heart is broken.

Father,

I am sad and need your love as I feel like such a failure and my heart is broken. Who am I kidding these days….am I even a Christian Lord? I am so messed up inside. I am absolutely depraved and messed up and I can’t figure out what to do. I am tired of living in Romans chapter seven. I want to get to chapter eight. I love you though the actions in my heart deny that truth. I feel as if I have no feelings or emotions. I feel as if I am so hard hearted. Why won’t I weep over sin, death, and the ugliness of this world? Why do I constantly embrace the vomit and swim in it? My heart is sad Lord.

Bill

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Journal 2/26/07

God is good, that is the bottom line.

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Friday, February 16, 2007

Journal 2/16/07

I suck at being a Christian. I am nothing like Jesus and I am so tired of falling short in everything that I do. I HATE and ABHOR my flesh as it deceives me daily. I feel as if I am on the losing side of the battle when it comes to crucifying my flesh. I want it to die. MY FLESH NEEDS TO DIE!!!!

It is frustrating being a sinner. And yet I am a wretched sinner.

Do you know what this does? It causes me to HUNGER and THIRST for the glorified body that has been promised to me by my Savior. Jesus, I look forward to your promises. How I desperately need the glorified body and to be fully redeemed. I look forward to that day more now than ever as the vomit of this world and the evilness of my flesh weigh me down. Help me to walk in righteousness and to love those who appear to be unlovable.

I know you love me and I know that I am on the winning side, but this battle is a tough one. And I get so angry and flustered. I hate having to fight with my flesh on a regular basis as it is so much easier to give in and let my flesh reign as a king. But my flesh is not the king, you are Jesus. So please reign as a king in me…..

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Friday, February 09, 2007

Journal 2/9/07

Lord,

You know my heart and my desires. You know where I struggle and how ministry for me is so hard at times. You know the secret things in my heart that I will never tell. You know them, you know me. And though I may be inexperienced in life and ministry, I see and understand that those times when we stray, things really get out of hand. I want to be true to you. I am afraid to promise you anything because I know who I am. I know that I am a joke and have no idea what the Christian life is about most of the time. I have no clue how to minister. Teaching is the easy part; all the other stuff is so complicated. Yet you compel me to minister as I hear you call out my name. And you desire me to be pure, clean and holy in your sight. So Lord, help me to live my life in purity as unto you. Help me to live this life filled with your wonderful Spirit. I look forward to and can’t wait for the day when I hear you say, “Welcome Home My Child!”

Until then O Lord, I will be content with the life that you have blessed me with; knowing that what is to come is so much greater than what is. I have seen the suffering that loneliness can cause. So I choose to give my love away to you so that you can fill me in the depths of my heart. I seek your wisdom and counsel as I have none. And you have said Lord that if I ask you for wisdom, then you would supply it. Help me to sort out ministry Jesus. What is your heart and what is it that you desire for me to do? Please give me clarity. Please give me insight. Please shine through me. I am so tired of being a man who is so worldly and ungodly. I am so tired of shining my own vomit instead of your glory and I don’t know which way is up anymore. So please lead me as I try to live out your will in my life. Lead me Jesus.

On the merits of Jesus I ask these things….Amen.

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Thursday, February 08, 2007

Journal 2/8/07

Sometimes I feel as if the grave is mans only real destiny. It’s as if we live to die and unless there is something more, we are doomed to this cruel fate. How sad that would be. How horrible for those who refuse to walk in the ways of the Lord. Where is there hope? They are utterly hopeless. I am so blessed that there is more to life than just this point in time. I am so glad there is life after the grave and I am not bound to the realm of time that I am in.

As the time approaches speedily for me to enter the grave, (hypothetically speaking) I look forward to the destiny that lies behind the realm of death. All storms will cease. All suffering will finally end. I will be able to touch and see the One who loves me and the One whom I have longed for.

How I wish I could put you into words Lord. If I were able to do that then I would write your face on a thousand pages. I want the pages of my life to be consumed with you so that when the book of my life is finally fulfilled, that there is nothing left of me in it, as I desire for you to shine brightly through me. How I long for the story of my life to reflect you and you alone Jesus. I love you.

Bill

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Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Journal 2/6/07

Oh Lord,

You really do hear my cry, and you hear my prayer. You save all my tears and you place them in a bottle because you truly care about me. So I offer my heart up to you as I declare that a moment without you is like a thousand lonely years of hell. If I can just sit with you, I know that you will wipe away my tears. For you love me in such a way that breaks me. Your love compels me to seek your face. There is only one thing that I ask of you Lord. There is only one thing that I truly seek. I want to dwell in your house all the days of my life so that I may gaze upon your beauty. I want to behold you. I want to see your face. I want to be touched by you and embraced by you as you openly declare your abounding love towards me.

Lord, I constantly sin against you and I do wrong. Yet you comfort me in your longsuffering. Lord I have walked away from you so many times yet your mercy is there for me new each morning. You are my Redeemer. You are my Savior and my King. I lay my life before you so please take all of me Lord as I surrender all that I am to you.

I need you. I desire you.

Bill

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Monday, February 05, 2007

These are from yesterday



Here is our little Diva


Here are the grand parents



And here is Billy