Sunday, March 08, 2009

Journal 3/8/09

What is happening in my life? I feel so far away from who i thought I would be. I feel lost, consumed in loneliness and I feel like such a failure. I want to go back to that time when things were simple. I want to meet with Jesus again like I used to. I feel like my heart is so hard these days towards the Lord. I hate who I am and hate where i am.

Oh Jesus, please forgive me for everything I have done. I am a mess and my life apart from you has been a disaster. I don't know what to do. I feel like Peter who at one point took a step of faith and stepped out of the boat and started to walk on water, but then he began to sink. I don't feel like I have ever had the faith to walk on water, but i do feel like I am sinking in the oceans of regret and despair.

I am in a place now where I no longer can just return to the former days, they are long in the past, buried in another life. I need a new encounter with you Jesus. I am sinking, my life is a mess and the only way I can ever recover from my brokenness is by your hand reaching down and consuming me once again. I want to be consumed by you do I get to that place from where I am currently? I feel dead on the inside, a walking corpse with nothing to offer.

I don't know what to do Lord. I am lost without you and I don't like the way life is anymore. I want what I once had. I want to be a godly man, yet I find I do not have the power or consistency that godly men have.

I am lost, I am desperate, I am alone.