Tuesday, December 28, 2010
So once again I find myself sitting here as I ponder life. So many things have changed yet at the same time, nothing has changed at all. I know everything about me has changed in the last couple of years. I'm definitely not the same person at all. I believe my core being is the same, as well as my humor, drive, passion, integrity, etc. Yet I'm not the same person.
Maybe I'm just trying to align my outer person with my inner person, I don't know. I do know that there is a certain element of disappointment when you see yourself one way and yet most see you as totally different. And that makes things so difficult because once they think you are a certain way, you are then put into a box that fits what those people should be and look like. There are then standards placed upon you that these types of people naturally fulfill yet you find so much difficulty reaching these standards. And when you are living in that box, at least in my experience, I find that the box suffocates you, as you feel uncomfortable and depressed because you simply can't be like those next to you. But you try and try only to be met by failure time and time again. And you start to despise those who are in that box with you because you are not like them. You don't even process things as they do, because you think differently. Everyone just thinks you are like them, and in their eyes, cased closed!
And once you finally figure things out and you know that you don't fit that particular mold, you just cannot tolerate being grouped with those people, not that they are bad people, but you are nothing like them at all.
That has been my dilemma and that is why I find myself sitting here a different person than I used to be. The reality is that I'm really not all that different, I really haven't changed at all, all that has happened is that I climbed out of that box that others put me into.
And I find that because I have gotten out of that box, people now look at me and are so uncomfortable because I no longer fit the mold that they perceived me to be. And now they scratch their heads, not only in bewilderment but also in fear. I am now looked upon as someone who deceived everyone when in fact I never put myself in that box, they did.
All I did was try to survive as I was placed into something that overwhelmed me. I tried to fit in, I really tried but I'm not those people nor can I be them.
I am not a deceiver either. I'm just a person who can no longer live life trying to meet these unreachable and burdensome standards that come naturally for those in that box. If anything, my brutal honesty and openness ought to show you how real I am, and how I'm not deceiving anyone, I'm just being real and vulnerable.
As if getting out of one box is bad enough for those who feel I should be in a particular box, when I point to the box that actually fits who I am, they freak out and don't get it. They still see me as those "other people in that box I was in" and they cannot get their image of who I should be out of their heads.
And maybe I am partially to blame for that, for not speaking up earlier in life. But in all fairness, I was drowning in the box I was placed in and I was simply trying to survive. I was not strong enough to climb out as I was simply trying to stay afloat.
I did not have it all figured out either. Only now do I know what I am not. I'm still unsure of who I am and who I will become, but I do know the direction. That is all I know. I know the former box is behind me and I'm walking in the direction of the boxes that actually match me.
I want to apologize though. I'm sorry if all this makes you uncomfortable, trust me, take the awkwardness you feel and times it by a thousand then you will have a small taste of what I feel daily. So I apologize, not for who I am; or who I will become, I'm sorry that the process is uncomfortable for you. I know what that feels like, *big sigh* :(
So yeah, those are my thoughts for today.
Monday, December 27, 2010
It's quiet in my house, I am not used to it. It makes things eerie to me. I don't like the quietness, I mean I do, its a nice break from all the hectic-ness that I experience on a daily basis, but I am really not used to this quietness and I do not know how to handle it. It makes me feel weird.
Today was uneventful but it feels as if there is a calm before the storm and it has me feeling uneasy and unsure of things. I hate feeling those feelings that you can't really figure out, "Sigh"!
My mom is amazing. I never thought I would be able to say that, yet I can say that with all integrity. She loves me and supports me. She really is an awesome person and I am grateful that I have the kind of relationship that I do have with her. It's just nice not having to put up any sort of front with her. I can just be me and she loves me as I am, not as I should be, "who decides that anyways?" People have all these expectations of who others should or should not be, but my mom, she just loves me as I am, no matter what that looks like. It's nice! :)
The kids are away for a week. I still find it so interesting to look at how fast my relationship with their grandparents has deteriorated. For the longest time I considered them my parents. I really respected and cherished them. I just never realized how much things would change. I thought the bonds we had were bonds that would last a life time, how I was wrong. Everything is so superficial these days. and they never had the bonds with me that I thought they had. When they do have the courage to come over to get the kids, they seriously rush so fast to get out of my presence, its sorta humorous, yet its really heart breaking. :( They are so uncomfortable around me. I wont bite, "deep breath" I am just sad I guess.
At least my mom loves me. She is one of the few people in my life that hasn't turned against me. I love my mom.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Well, I have been sick for a week but I am finally over it. I mean, I am feeling about 90% right now which is better than it has been in a while. I once again approach this blog unsure of what I want to write. I guess I have sorta been in a daze. Stupid cold! I can't believe a cold knocked me around as much as this one did. Crazy. I don't normally get sick and this was brutal, lol, oh well, that is the way it goes in this world.
Anyways, I am happy. I feel so blessed to have the people I have in my life. It has been a long road to get to the place where I am at now, but it was worth it. I really feel like I am in a good place in my life, finally. The kids are doing well, Sarah is amazing and I am just so blessed to have these moments in time where I can share my life with those people who love me for who I am. It feels good to be loved just because I am loved, and for no other reason.
I am happy.
Friday, December 10, 2010
I have been sick for the last 3 or 4 days. I just want to feel better. I mean, I do feel better today, but I am nowhere near 100%. I want to sleep, but work calls me. I am thankful for my job, I love being self employed, but it has its price. I don't get paid for sick days or holidays, but that's okay. I just want to feel 100%. Hopefully I am on the mend. :)