Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Journal 11/21/07

I don't even know how many times have I found myself doing those things in which You do not delight Lord. Oh, how I hate my past. I have so much regret and when I stand before you on the day of judgment, I know I will have no words to defend myself. I will have no excuses. All I can do is ask for mercy through the merits of Jesus through His sacrificial death on the cross on my behalf.

Heaven is Your throne O Lord and earth is Your footstool. How I am so grateful for that Father. You have all things in your control. Time and again you show yourself faithful to me yet each time I doubt and struggle with believing in your faithfulness to provide for me. When will I simply trust you even when things appear as if they are against me? I think about Isaac in the OT when he lost his son Jacob. He was so distressed and then when he lost Benjamin he said, "All is against me!" Yet things were not against him at all, they were divinely orchestrated in his favor. He just could not see behind the scenes at what you were doing.

Yet how many times do I cry out those same words, "All is against me!" Why do I declare that when you declared in Romans, "If God is for us, who can be against us?" The truth is that you love me and I need to simply embrace your unhindered devotion to me.

Isaiah 62:5 says, "For as a young man marries a virgin, so shall your sons marry you; and as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you."

I can't believe that you actually rejoice over me. I mean, I do believe it, but I am amazed at that. You know where I have been, and in those places of depravity there is no rejoicing, yet you rejoice over me and I am grateful Jesus. I don't deserve you and have been an absolutely horrible ambassador for you. Instead of representing your kingdom in this land, I have taken the gods of this world and have made this world my home. I have indulged in everything this world offers and I have made my bed in hell.

Can you still use me for the advancement of your kingdom in this land? Am I still usable Jesus? What do I need to do to be used by you and to make what is left of this life that you have given me useful for eternity? What can I do to make my life count in eternity?

I was talking with a friend last night and he really brought clarity to me. If your grace doesn't cover all my sins then you don't have any grace at all……and the truth is that your grace does cover all of my sins. OH THANK YOU JESUS! I am so grateful that I am one of your children. Am so thankful that you pursued me with the passion in which you did. Thank you for loving me Jesus. Thank you for life and life more abundantly. You are the greatest thing that has EVER happened to me….. I love you Jesus.