Tuesday, June 29, 2010

journal 6/28/10

Today was a good day.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Journal 6-28-10

Today was okay. My emotions are all over the place. I went to see Toy Story 3 and started to cry at the bonds that the characters in the movie had. I have never had those kind of friends. I wonder what that would be like.....to be close friends till the end of your life. To have someone love me so much that they would be there for me trying to comfort me even in the face of death. I want to be that way with those who are close to me.

I am sad on the inside right now. Not depressed, just a little down.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

journal 6/26/10

I'm feeling conflicted internally tonight.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Journal 6/20/10

I feel so conflicted and confused inside my heart today about God, spirituality, life, death, etc. I wish I could go back to the simplicity that I felt I once had, yet it seems like that isn't something that's based in reality. I feel I can't go back, that it was just a season in my life for that time. I hate feeling so conflicted when it comes to God because He has been so faithful to me even though I have made a mess out of my life on more than one occasion.

What really sucks more than anything is facing this confliction alone because whenever I share this with other Christians who share my faith, for whatever reason, they don't get it. They either think I am lacking faith, or back-slidden, and they don't help me sort this out. Instead they expect me to not have these conflicts and just to get over it already. They expect a microwave version healing over my life and when that doesn't happen, they tell me how I am wrong or they start to pick my life apart and tell me to do this and that.

Can't someone just come along side me and carry this burden with me? I don't want to be your project, I just want a friend who I can be real with. I want a friend that wont feel threatened when I am struggling and wont walk away when whatever it is that i am going through doesn't make sense to them.

I guess that person doesn't exist in the Christian realm....which sucks! People sometimes act like I am a brand new Christian and that because I have these struggles that means that I am about to depart from my faith in God. But I have been a Christian for 20 plus years, I am not going to leave my faith, but at the same time, I am not going to be fake about it. Too many Christians act as if they don't have struggles in there life. Well guess what world, I have struggles, I have doubts, I worry, I freak out, I have panic attacks, guilt, regret, fear, etc. Am I the only Christian on this planet that have those feelings?

Why is it wrong as a Christian to be brutally honest in those areas of my life without having to defend my faith or my walk with the Lord? I don't get it.....like I said, it sucks!

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Journal 6/19/10

Well, its Saturday morning, and I am tired. Lets see, the boys woke me up at 530am screaming (in fun of course) but I was not too thrilled with that. So I stumble downstairs with a not so happy look on my face, I open their door and both boys drop down and act like they are asleep. The only word I can even muster is, "Seriously?" Billy opens his eyes but Tobias acts like he is asleep. "Tobias, quit acting like your asleep, I heard you. What in the world guys? Really?" They say nothing.

Well, whenever I walk down the stairs, guess who it wakes? It wakes Mercy. So now she is up and I am like, uggg! I cant get upset with Mercy, I am the one who woke her up. So I figure, oh well, go ahead get up guys.

But Billy says, Dad, I peed the bed. I ask him, "Are you wearing a pull up?" He says yes but that it went through. I am so tired, so I strip down his bedding ad do a load of laundry, get the tub ready and bathe both boys, and geeze, since its 530 and we are all up, I bathe the girl as well.

I am tired, but have gotten alot accomplished before my 1st cup of coffee.

As much as I hate being this tired, and as overwhelming single parenting is, in a weird way, I really love all this work. There is never a dull moment and I am really grateful that I have these moments in time where I dont just sleep my life away.

Now, I need some more coffee, I need to change the laundry over and do another load, I swear the kids must be throwing their underwear away, they used to have like 80 pairs and now I cant ever find any for them to wear.

I am a blessed man!