Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Journal 2-23-10

As I sit here, I ponder the road that my life has taken me on. I never dreamed I would be where I am today. Its not bad, not at all, its just that I never could picture being in this place. I have conflicting emotions. I am happy, I really am, yet I still find that I miss so many of the old times, I miss the connections I had with people in the different stages in my life. I feel like I am so far from the person I once was, and again, that's not a bad thing, its just different.

I have more fear now than I have ever had in the past. I was more confident in the past where I just am not as confident. I mean, I and not so afraid and lacking confidence that I will hide in corner and weep in hysteria, but its just different.

I know its because I am in a new chapter in my life, and its a GREAT chapter, but the unknown is scary and it makes me miss the times when things were known by me, when i had confidence and when i was sure of my destiny.

Now most of what I do comes down to living by faith. And I am not even trying to be spiritual when I say that. I have to live by faith that becoming self employed will work out. I have to live by faith in so many areas of my life; with my kids and being a father, a student, a boyfriend, a band member. So much uncertainty, so many things on the horizon that can radically change my life and take it in a different direction. Its just a different place to be. i do look forward to it, but while I am in this uncertain state, i miss the certainty that I once felt I had.

All is well though. I am a happy person. I am blessed. I just have been contemplating things more and more the last few days. I want to be a person who is loved and who loves everyone I come into contact with. I hate failing at even the smallest things. I value the relationships that are in my life right now and I hope I never lose them.

So yeah, there you have it. These are my thoughts right now.