Tuesday, February 21, 2006

A Father's Heart

Yesterday I had a glimpse into my heavenly Fathers heart. I will do my best to articulate what I believe by faith he was showing me.

As most of you know; I have a 13 year old son who lives in another state. To make a long story short, his mom moved away and never told me where she took my son. So for 10 years I passionately sought after my son in hope of locating him and being a Father to him. And after 10 years I finally found him and after going to court I got him into my life.

I have tried to balance and build a relationship with my son but his mom and his grand parents have brained washed him so badly against me that no matter what I do; in his eyes I am evil and am only trying to destroy his life. That is so far from the truth. All I desire is to have a relationship with him. All I want is to have fellowship with my son; yet he wants nothing to do with me. His deception hurts me as I truly believe that if he knew me and my heart that he would not despise me but desire to fellowship with me. But he is deceived.

I have never been mean to him, rude; or anything. All I have done is love him. My heart is broken as he refuses to have anything to do with me. I am utterly crushed to dust as I weep over the hardness of his deceived heart. He really thinks that I ruined his life when his whole life I have done nothing but love him from the depths of my soul.

So I called him yesterday. And after being on hold for eternity; he finally answered the phone. I was like, “Hi son, this is Bill your dad, how are you?” He answered, “Don’t ever call me again. Don’t contact my mom or me ever. You are ruining my life and I don’t want anything to do with you!” As I said, “But…how am I ruining your life? I never get to talk to you and I haven’t done anything.” He simply said, “Stay out of my life!” as he hung up on me.

Well, I was devastated, thrashed and completely broken. My own child wants nothing to do with his father because in his eyes I am evil. He has been told by his mom and grandparents that I am evil and no matter what I do that is how he perceives me.

Is this the end of the story? No. I am still crushed and hurt and being vulnerable like this really sucks at times but this is not the end of the story.

As I was thinking about this and as I was contemplating this I saw a picture of what God did for us. The scenario is similar. He desires fellowship with us and no matter what He does; we see Him as evil and mean and we wanted nothing to do with Him. And because we will not hear Him he sent us his son to plead His case for Him. He sent Jesus to represent who he was so that we could see that God really is good and not evil. Jesus came to represent the Father.

And I think this is what is going to happen in my case. I think that in time when my other three kids are older that the Lord will send one of them to my 13 year old. And I believe by faith that when that happens that a relationship will be restored and established with my 13 year old. I believe that this will happen years from now when he is an adult, but I can see in a sense how the Lord is showing me by experience in a small way just what He as a Father feels. The Father has been rejected by mankind and he weeps over the nations of the earth. So He sent His son into the world so that the world could get a taste of how good God is. And I believe that I will one day be able to send my younger son or my daughter to my oldest so that my younger kids can represent me to him.

My hope is that as Jesus represents who the Father is; my hope is that my other kids will have the opportunity one day to do the same and I hope that I will be able to send them to my son Ronnie one day so that the air can be cleared. Time will tell of course but that is what I feel that God is showing me. In the mean time, I will have an incredible opportunity to experience on a smaller scale how the Father feels. And it hurts. I hurt….God hurts when (Ezekiel 18:32) people reject Him. He doesn’t take pleasure in the death of those who despise him. He mourns over them as I mourn over my son who despises me.

I have prayed a million times for God to show me his heart, and as he now does this I can see that he weeps over those who despise and reject Him. So even though it hurts me to feel this agonizing pain of rejection; I am so glad that the Lord is showing me this side of Him. Because this is real and He truly does weep over the hearts of man. And now I know (on a smaller scale) what that feels like.


Use me for your glory. I desire to be empowered by you and I want to also represent you to the world who despises your name. I have nothing to offer you but my broken life; but I do offer you that. Please use me. I want to experience the joy of showing the world that you are not evil, you are good and you love those who despise you. Please help me to bring others to Jesus so that He can bring them to you. In Jesus name I ask for this….Amen.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Go Ye therefore into all the nations....

The Lord has really been giving me a burden for the nations lately. I have a hunger to go to Mexico, Uganda, Sudan, England, Belize, and Turkey so that we can bring the gospel of peace to these people who have never heard it before. I have a desire to disciple and pour myself into the people here in Oregon and to watch as the Lord breaks our hearts and raises up some of us to go to these nations. By Gods grace I will be going to these places in the next few years. Most of my close friends are missionaries and pastors now. All of my intimate friends have been called to other places including myself as the Lord called me to Oregon. I believe that we have such an incredible opportunity in this time and age to bring the good news to our generation. What an incredible responsibility we have as the body of Christ. And as I sit back and see what the Lord has done; it so cool to see that all of my friends have been placed in strategic places around the world now so that by God's grace some of us here in Oregon can go to these places and minister alongside my friends in Christ as we invest in the things of eternity.

I have been currently talking with a friend of mine who is a pastor in Mexico as we are planning a trip for mid July. I am hoping that the Lord will orchestrate the events so that we can meet up with him as we go down to Mexico. I miss him and would love to see him and come alongside him to help in the work that the Lord is doing there.

And even this morning I was speaking with my best friend in California who is planning a trip for this April to go to Africa and England. He will be visiting the new churches that my friends have started in these countries to encourage them and to assist in whatever work is needed. When he gets back he and I will (By Gods grace; if He is willing) plan a trip where I can come along side him and another friend and revisit these places. And after that, (Lord willing) I will be able to bring others from my church up here in Oregon to come along side of us to labor for the gospels sake. So I am really excited and stirred up at the moment.

Please pray that these opportunities would pan out and that the Lord would use me in this fashion. We have been given such a generous gospel and I am not able to sit down and do nothing with it. I am compelled to spend my life for the One who spent everything on my behalf. So please pray that the Lord would guide and provide for what lies ahead on the horizon and that he would choose to use me as a tool in his hands.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

My hearts cry

I want to be a part of something bigger than me; bigger than life; bigger than what this world has to offer. I desire to be used and I miss the passion that I experienced at CCSG. My life was transformed there and I miss how my former church as a whole lived out their faith. It wasn’t a part time thing; it was a daily life changing thing. And it’s not that CCP is bad, because it isn’t. It is just different here and I haven’t found my place in the body yet. The work was done so easily in California and here it is so hard to initiate ministry. I miss home fellowships Lord. I miss the afterglows and how you would speak into our lives so freely and frequently. I miss how all my friends would just go as you called them to the nations. I miss how contagious it was to be around so many young people who were sold out 100% for you. Send me Lord to the nations; I want to go desperately.

Will you PLEASE do a work like that again? Would you please use me Jesus? Please bring the city of Portland into a passionate relationship with you. Please bring revival to this city. God, please bring laborers who share a common passion for you into this city and use them for your glory. I am not saying that people of CCP don’t love you. I can see that they do, they really love you; but take us deeper Lord. I have seen and experienced what it is like to go deeper and I long for that again. I need to go deeper with you and I pray that you would place that thirst and hunger inside all of us here in Portland.

I really miss the fellowship and fruitfulness of home fellowships. I wish that you would start a new work like this Lord. I miss how your word was so passionately pursued and sought after. I miss my friends so much Lord and I miss being a part of your work in the capacity in which I was involved. I want to be in the field in the same way that my friends are. I want to be a shining light and I pray that I would have some solid focused friends to support me in this passion and vision of carrying your word to the nations of the earth. I hunger to be used for your glory. Please use me Jesus. Cause others to catch the vision that you have and please do a mighty revival. I don’t know how to express what I feel or how to cause others to be as passionate for you as I have seen in my past. All I know is that I want your name to be magnified and lifted up in the hearts of the people of this city like never before. I beg you to do a mighty work here. Please show me what my role is and empower me to fulfill that role with grace and passion. PLEASE SAVE OUR CITY LORD! Please pour out your abundant mercy and compassion and cause others to fall radically in love with you. I need you to do this. Use me lest I die! Take the city of Portland for your glory lest I die! I have to see you move again Lord. I need to see your Spirit move and give life again. I know that is your heart. You love people and this is what you desire. Please use me…I am here and want to be used.


On a lighter note...

The Lord is so wonderful. His grace is so abounding and it amazes me at how much he cares for people. The Lord weeps over the nations of the earth and desires that all nations would come to Him. I pray that I would be a man who stands in the gap and pleads for God's grace to pour over the nations.


Please heal the nations. Bring the people of every tribe and tongue into the saving knowledge of your grace and please do a mighty work among the peoples of the earth. I pray that you would raise up laborers who have vision and that you would fulfill your vision through these laborers. Lord, I want to be one of these laborers; will you use me? Please give me a vision and give the men and women in the body of Christ your vision for the nations. Please lead us and guide us as we step out in faith and please save the nations of the earth Lord.

In Jesus name I ask for these things...Amen.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006


My heart is burning for missions. And it is so funny because I really am a missionary even though no one sees me that way. I took my family; my wife and three kids and moved them 1000 miles away because I had a vision from the Lord and felt led by the Lord to be used for his glory in Oregon. So here I am desiring to serve full time and to be spent for his kingdom. I am ready to serve.....I cannot and will not sit in a pew. I can't be that person. I desire to teach the word of God and to bring others into the presence of God. But where do I start? Who do I go to where I can partner alongside them and simply do my part in expanding the gosepl without all the politics? I simply want to serve in prayer, worship and teaching systematically through the Word of God....will someone let me....

Monday, February 13, 2006


So I have recently been instructed by alot of people that I know and respect that I should not write as I do on my blogs. I have been advised that my struggles should stay personal and that I need to be a tad bit pickier with what I share in my blog-journal. I have a question. If the purpose of my blog is to be real with my struggles and is a sort of journal in hope that new believers will see that its ok and normal to struggle as a Christian and that the Lord works through our struggles so that He will receive all the glory; then what is it that I am sharing that is wrong?

Has anyone read Psalms? The book of Psalm can be brutally honest at times. King David laid it all out before the Lord and people in every culture and every language are still reading about his struggles today. The man had issues and he wrote them down. What about Hezekiah? Jacob? Solomon? They poured out their souls in writing and the Lord used what they shared to let others see that emotions are real; that struggles are real and that he cares about what they are going through. So now I am left here with the question? What should I do?

This has been a very difficult week for me. I feel like I am on trial even though I believe that none of this is malicious from the people that I know, I just feel like no matter what I do that it isn’t going to satisfy. I feel like I am walking on egg shells.

If I blog, then I have upset some, if I don't then I upset others. If I lead worship it upsets some and if I don’t it upsets others. If I pour my heart out and try to use the gifts that God has given me, it upsets some, if I don't it upsets others. What a mess. All I can do is try and live my life before the Lord and if I upset some, then I upset them....I don't do it intentionally; but I have come to conclusion that what blesses one person upsets another and so I have to do what I feel the Lord desires for me to do.

Maybe my blogging is too personal....but that is who I am and that is who I believe I need to be. I cannot put up a front, after going through all that I did with my son Tobias and his multiple near death experiences I can't be anything other than personal and real. After seeing how fragile life is; I cannot candy coat my struggles anymore. I struggle at times and I know that others do too. I do have hope though and I know it. But that doesn't change the fact that I have issues.

And maybe for some people when I lead worship that it lacks in "worship" but that doesn’t change the fact that I pour all of my heart into it and I am truly worshipping the Lord from every fiber of my soul. I thought worship was an issue of the heart and if my heart is in the wrong place; please let me know. If my worship lacks in worship, then please instruct me and point me in the right direction. I want to bring others to Jesus; I live to bring others into the presence of God; that is where my heart is. I desire to honor the Lord and if I am doing something wrong then show me what it is. If what you say is valid, then trust me I will heed your instruction. If it isn't then I will take that to the Lord. I remember reading about King David’s wife and how she despised David because he was worshipping the Lord in his underwear as he danced in the streets. From her perspective, he was the king and a king ought not to do that. She concluded that he was a fool and was not worshipping. But the Lord was blessed by David because he worshipped with his whole heart.

Like I said, this has been a rough week. And I may totally be deceived. I know that with deception we tend to think we are ok when in fact we are not; we are deceived. And if I am deceived in these areas of my life, I am more than willing to give this to the Lord. But I need to be told point blank if that is the case. Because I don't think I am deceived though I am not ruling this out. So if I am tell me.

Please show me where I am in error. I desire to repent and want to grow in these hard times that I am having. At the end of the day, none of this stuff matters. A thousand years from now; no one will care whether or not I wrote on a blog or played guitar on a Thursday night. What will matter is where my heart is. Is my heart aligned with yours? Please show me Father. If I am in sin, please reveal that to me; I long to repent. I want to be in perfect communion with you so I ask that you would help me in this area of my life. Please forgive me for taking you for granted and help me to walk rightly in your sight. I look forward to hearing from you as I know you will lead me and show me where I err. I will repent Lord; please show me what I need to repent of.

In Jesus name I pray.....Amen

Friday, February 10, 2006


Thanks everyone for your prayers and concerns. I am not depressed. I don't live in this place of depression for long periods of time. What happens is I start to think about where my heart has been and where it should be and then I write about it. This is just a poem of what I was feeling at that moment when I wrote it. Trust me, things are well on this end. I am really grateful that you all care. Thanks.

One of the reasons I write the way that I do is so that others can see that we Christians are real flesh and blood. I want them to know that we don't have it all together but we do have hope; even when we don't feel like we do. I want people who come to know the Lord to know that just because you are saved doesn't mean that you have things all together. Because I find that when a new believer believes that; when they believe Christians should have it all together, and then they discover that they are still struggling and don't have it all together, then they start to think that the Lord has abandoned them when in fact what they are going through is common; we all go through it. That is one of the reasons why I write as I do.

So thank you very much, I am blessed that you all care as much as you do.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006


Where can I go where I won’t feel this way?
Can I run from myself when I become my own prey?
All that I am and all I will one day become
Means nothing at all when I feel like lost scum

My heart it condemns me and I don’t even care why
I live out my life though I would rather die
And these emotions are ruthless as they pour over me
I’m bound by my feelings as I drown here at sea

The sun scorches my flesh as I drift and I rot
I live out this life as I cope with my lot
And I am overwhelmed for no reason at all
I’m bound to my feelings like a chain on a ball

I feel weathered and naked as I shamefully drift
The currents of despair come upon me in shifts
So I lay here all wounded as I weep and I wail
I fight my emotions yet I do not prevail

Where can I run when I'm running from me?
For wherever I go, that is where I will be
I know I can't flee from this hell that I'm in
I can't flee from myself as I'm trapped in my skin

So I drift on in horror in my own raging sea
My emotions consume me and I simply can't flee
Though I know my God love me; I still must confess
I still live as though; I am completely hopeless.

Monday, February 06, 2006


I am desperate. My heart; my soul, all that I am within suffers from the darkness that consumes the core of my being. I am lost. I am a white washed tomb who appears clean on the outside yet I am full of dead mans bones. I have abandoned the One who abandoned all for my sake and I have suffered the consequences of a lost fellowship. The fellowship of the King. I desire to be united with my Master. I am desperate.

I search now in the vomit of my darkness in hopes that I will one day see a glimpse of my heavenly Father. I am alone. I have chose to play the fool and I am alone. I am lost. I am desperate.

Consumed in fear and shame I have no clue where to place my next step. I understand that the Lord is a light unto my path, yet I feel as if the path that he lights up is too far away. I am a lost sheep. I have tangled myself in the thorns of this world and I am trapped. I am unable to break away from the chains that hold me down. I cry out; I am desperate.

God have mercy on me. I can bring you nothing as I am in chains. I can offer no reward as I am bankrupt of righteousness yet I cry out for the Son of David to have mercy upon me. Please pity me Lord and have compassion upon a wretch like me. I am overwhelmed and totally desire to live in absolute righteousness yet I have no power whatsoever to follow through with this desire.

I need the power of your Spirit, Jesus. I need you to empower me and sanctify my heart once and for all. I am so tired of playing a game and yet that is all that I seem to do these days. I play Christianese so well that I even fool myself at times. I want more; please I beg you Jesus, Let me get past my flesh once and for all. Let me have finality and allow me the chance to walk victoriously before you. I am weak, I am desperate. And I need your help. Please help me Jesus.

You word in Romans six tells me over and over again that I have already been delivered from my sins. I have already been empowered to walk in a manner that is worthy of a person who carries your name. And yet I find over and over again a pattern of rebellion in my life. I don't want to rebel; I want to surrender. I don't want to war against my King like a disobedient child; I want to obey like a good soldier. I am desperate. I cannot have a foot in both worlds. I cannot serve the King of Kings and the king of darkness yet I find that I am constantly doing both. What a double minded wretch I have become. Please forgive me and help me to wholeheartedly surrender and submit to You Father through the merits of Jesus. Help me to be a tool that is clean and useful for the master. I want to be used as a vessel of honor in your kingdom and not a vessel of shame. I want to serve as a good example of grace and not a bad example of rebellion.

Because the truth is that when the day of judgment comes, all my secret sins will be laid out and I will be required to give you an account for my actions. And all I can say now in light of that, is please have mercy on me; I am desperate.

As you cleansed the leper, the blind man, the lame man, and even Saul the murderer; please cleanse me. I know that it's all or nothing and I want to finally be a person who gives my all to you only. Will you please get me into that place Jesus? Please??? I am desperate.

A heart gone bad

I feel as if my heart has gone bad. It constantly devises wicked plans and it is always trying to persuade me to obey its desires. And for the longest time (pretty much my entire life) I have tried to follow my heart; not realizing that as I do follow my heart; it leads me to pretty bad places; dark places. And according to the Master, where my treasure is there my heart will be also. And with that said, I need to force my heart to follow me, not the other way around. I need to beat my heart into submission to follow me as I in turn follow Jesus. This will be a difficult task and only by God's grace will I be able to pursue the One who pursued me with all of his heart.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006


I am bummin a bit today. If you get a moment, please pray.