Thursday, March 26, 2009

Journal 3/26/09

I am so depressed and my heart is broken. My friends son took his life on Monday, he was 25 years old. How I hate this world, it is so messed up and filled with disaster and grief. How I grieve with my friend. How I mourn alongside him and sob with him.

Oh God, please bring comfort to Craig and Roxanne. Please take this disaster, this nightmare, this horrendous heart wrenching tragedy and receive glory in teh midst of this. Please have mercy Jesus and please hold my friends and carry them through this. You are the only one who can give them peace in the midst of what they are experiencing....

I am so depressed and my heart is broken....

Sunday, March 08, 2009

Journal 3/8/09

What is happening in my life? I feel so far away from who i thought I would be. I feel lost, consumed in loneliness and I feel like such a failure. I want to go back to that time when things were simple. I want to meet with Jesus again like I used to. I feel like my heart is so hard these days towards the Lord. I hate who I am and hate where i am.

Oh Jesus, please forgive me for everything I have done. I am a mess and my life apart from you has been a disaster. I don't know what to do. I feel like Peter who at one point took a step of faith and stepped out of the boat and started to walk on water, but then he began to sink. I don't feel like I have ever had the faith to walk on water, but i do feel like I am sinking in the oceans of regret and despair.

I am in a place now where I no longer can just return to the former days, they are long in the past, buried in another life. I need a new encounter with you Jesus. I am sinking, my life is a mess and the only way I can ever recover from my brokenness is by your hand reaching down and consuming me once again. I want to be consumed by you do I get to that place from where I am currently? I feel dead on the inside, a walking corpse with nothing to offer.

I don't know what to do Lord. I am lost without you and I don't like the way life is anymore. I want what I once had. I want to be a godly man, yet I find I do not have the power or consistency that godly men have.

I am lost, I am desperate, I am alone.