Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Journal 9/11/07

Oh how I want to see your face Jesus. I long for you. You are so beautiful and I want to behold you in all your glory. I am desperate for you Jesus. I want to be embraced by you and I want to embrace you. I cant wait until the day that I can receive a physical hug from you. That day will be so amazing to me.

Your grace overwhelms me in a good way as you simply love on me. Why Lord? Why do you love me so? Why did you create me as I am and in this day and age? One thing I know and I pray I never forget is that I realize that I need you more now than I have ever needed you in the past. I cant take another breath without you. When everything is stripped away from me and I am left here standing totally bare with only you, that will suffice. You are what I need and all I need.

I am so tired of living the American dream with the house, the two cars, the 2.3 children and white picked fence. I feel as if there is so much more that you are calling me to and I desire to align myself in that calling. Are you calling me to the nations of the world Father? I want to go wherever you take me. Would you want me to move to India? China? Where do you want me? Do I stay in Portland? I cant live the shallow American lifestyle anymore, it is so depressing and there are really no eternal rewards.

What is it that you want me to do? Please pour out your Spirit upon me and give me your heart. I want to be a man that goes after you with all of my heart and a man who loves people as you love them. Please do that work in my life Jesus. And please align my wife and kids with your heart as well so that we are one unit walking in the calling that you have given to us.

You are worthy of all honor and praise Jesus. You are worthy of brilliant majesty as you are the King of kings and you reign in righteousness. You show mercy to a 1000 generations and you have shown mercy to me time and time again. You alone are the God who delivers me from the wretch that I am.

Oh how I sense you calling me away unto yourself. I sense that you are in the process more than ever of chasing me down and bringing into that place where you are my substance and my end. You Spirit is chasing me and I refuse to run because your splendor is awesome to take in. I want all of you. I want to wrap my arms around you. I want you, I MUST HAVE YOU!!!! You are so incredible and I am blown away at your compassion and tenderness.

Take me fully Jesus. I am yours and want to remain with you forever.


Monday, September 10, 2007

Journal 9/10/07

If today was my day to die, what legacy would I leave behind? Would I have lived to honor the Lord or would I have dragged his name through the mud? Will my kids know who Jesus is? Will they be known by Him as His? Will they see me as a man who loves God and will they desire to walk my path? Or have I lead them away from Jesus as I trod down the path of wrath and self destruction?

I have seen what lurks within me and it is the worst of all blackness. I am a man in need of a Savior. The demons call out to me by name and entice me daily. How many times will I listen to them and bite the bait that they offer?

Oh God, I worship you for you are the Holy One of Israel and I am in need of you so desperately. I feel cut off. I feel hell bound and yet, I refuse to obey my feelings for they deceive me time and time again. And though I feel like I have lost my place in your kingdom, you have declared that I have a place and that you love me. Thank you Jesus because it is so tough to walk when my feelings purposely lie to me about you and your greatness.

So back to my thought. If I were to die today, I want every moment from here on out to be lived in total surrender and abandonment to Jesus. He is the only one that matters. He is enough and he alone is all I need. I want to know the Lord in a deeper way. I want to know the thoughts of my Lord and I want to live as his redeemed one in every moment and in all circumstances.

How I pray that my children come to know the Lord. Oh God is so good. His mercies are new every morning and it is always morning somewhere in the world. And I will put on these tender mercies as I want to be more like Jesus.

I want my life to reflect his purity, yet it hasn’t. I want my life to reflect his greatness, yet again, all I have reflected is me. And there is nothing pure or great about me in and of myself.

Jesus, I again come to you in worship and surrender. I want you to be my everything. I want to love you more than I love food, water, air or sleep. I want you to my only passion in life. I want to be so consumed by you that nothing else matters in comparison.

My heart is broken Jesus. I pray for a healing yet at the same time, I need a time of brokenness because these are the sweetest times for me spiritually as I really do learn to trust in you.

Please use me to advance your saving gospel and help me to bring everyone I come into contact with to you. I want to live out the rest of my days, bringing saints and non believers into your presence so that they can see you in all your glory. Please anoint me and sanctify my by your Spirit whom I have grieved far too many times. Please grow me in grace and compassion and help me to follow you with my whole heart, never looking back…..I want to run this race with endurance. Help me to endure and to remain focused on you. I love you Jesus, not as I ought to, but I still do love you. Help me to love you the way that you desire. Please restore me and pour out your Spirit upon me.

On the merits of Jesus alone I ask you to do this Father, Amen.


Friday, September 07, 2007

Journal 9/7/07


Your grace reveals your beauty. You bought me at a price that I cant imagine as it is so high. You see the depths of my heart yet you still love me. I am so blown away. I pray that you would be merciful on me and that you would continue the work that you started before the foundation of the world when you chose me to walk closely with you. Please wash me thoroughly. I need you, I need your compassion and pity. Please take pity on me Jesus. Please heal my broken heart from the depravity that it has embraced for so long. You are so wonderful and glorious and I regret all the times I have shamed your wonderful name.

I raise my hands Jesus as your mercy falls upon me and I receive your washing. I surrender, I quit. I am tired of fighting and resisting you and your greatness. You deserve nothing less than my total surrender and that is where I want to be. And though I cant promise where I will be tomorrow or even tonight, I promise that right now, right in this moment I give myself to you. Please do as you wish with me and help me to rejoice in you no matter what happens to me in the future. I give you all of me right here, right now, in this moment.

That past is gone and the future does not exist, all I have is the present and that is what I am giving to you. Oh how I want to be like the Saints of old where they lived and died in total abandonment to you Jesus. How do I get in that place and stay there? I want to be a man who lives and dies to bring you glory. Because your glory is the only thing that will last throughout the ages. Teach me to number my days so that I will no longer sin against you.