Monday, February 26, 2007

Journal 2/26/07

I praise You for Your glory! For You are Glorious and worthy of my Praise. You call me to abide in You. You desire fellowship with me as You alone are the Holy One. I praise You for Your glory. I desire to experience you, not in just an emotional way but I desire to encounter You. I want to encounter You. By Your Spirit You prompt me to respond to You. I desire to respond to You and Your Spirit’s prompting as You reveal Yourself to me. I want to respond to who You really are as I lay aside myself and exalt You the Heavenly King.

Please come and lift the burden from my heart as David cried out in Psalm 3:3, “But You, O Lord, are a shield for me, My glory and the One who lifts up my head.” You are the lifter of my soul. I want You to take my hand and lift me up so that I can see Your glory.

To be Honest Lord, I miss those times with You that I had experienced in the past. I want to return to that special place and yet I am so unwilling at the same time. It isn’t that I am afraid of You or afraid of what You desire to do in my life, I really don’t know what it is that keeps me from where You want me to go and really where I desire to go as well.

I struggle with not having a best friend here in Oregon who is sold out to you. I miss the fellowship of being around someone like Craig or EZ. I miss being around those who are totally sold out to You and love their brothers and sisters in the Lord. It sucks not having someone who I can talk to about stuff that is on my heart. It sucks not having a male friend who I can share the good stuff and the bad stuff that is going on in my life. I miss relationships that have depth. I long for those again. I miss hanging out with the pastors who love you and are truly sincere and really care about you and others.

I feel so alone. I know I have my wife and she is a wonderful blessing. But I miss having friends. And yet I have no friends here in Oregon….I have many acquaintances, but no friends who call just to say hi. No one calls to see how I am doing, and that is ok, but it is so hard at times. The high school kids call and they are a blessing too, but I can’t pour out my heart to them as I could an adult male my age. I miss having a solid Christian in my life.

I want to please Your heart. I want this to be my desire and goal in life. I am called to love and adore You and I desire that. I want to bring my all to You in worship as I lay all that I am at Your feet. You are so desirable Jesus. I thank You for Your glory. I am grateful that You are worthy of worship. Please wash me of this world and wash me of my flesh and draw me near to You. Help me to see You for who You are as I thank You for the privilege of worship.

You are my Hope and I am utterly lost without You. I do not even know which way is up when you are not leading and guiding my steps. This world comes and crashed down upon me and yet You made me and I will not be shaken. Though I am broken into a million pieces I will yet trust you my Lord. I do trust in You. I really do. You are trustworthy. You have called me Your friend and You do satisfy me when all others fail. I fail, and they fail, yet You never fail me. And I am called Your friend if I keep Your commandments. Help me to keep Your commandments because I have not done a very good job at keeping them.

Death sucks Lord. It really sucks. Sin sucks, Chaos, uncleanness, depravity, all these things are so hard. I just don’t understand these things. Your eyes of fire look into the depths of my soul and you see me in this depravity and yet you say that you love me and you desire me. Why? WHY? WHY? Why do you desire me?

I miss You. I really miss you Jesus. I need Your love like the trees need the rain. I am like a man dying in the deserts and you are the spring of Life. You refresh me though I suffer through the garbage of the wilderness. Yet I thank you for the things that You have done for me. You have given me new life. You died and rose and gave Your life in a sacrificial way so that I could have life. Thank you. Thank you for being You. I love the way You are. You are so perfect and holy and You really do care about me. You care about my struggles and the sin I get entangled in. You really care and this causes me to thank you. You truly have laid down your life for me.

So I give you my heart so that you can free it from the chains of depravity that lay hold of it. I want to honor You with every part of my life as I cry out, “Woe is me!” I want to see You move and hear You speak. I don’t want You to remove the power of the Spirit in the life of the church. Without Your Spirit moving and direct me and us, we are doomed. I want to know you. I want to know your friendship and your fear.

I was totally destitute until you found me. And I remember the stuff that you delivered me from. I remember when I had no hope. And you delivered me. You are worth more than I could ever find in this world. Help me to take the salvation that you have offered and given to me with sobriety and seriousness as it springs up living water in my life. Help me to trust you as I partake in suffering. Help me never to partake in sin as I suffer so that suffering can have it’s perfect work in my life. Help me to place my hand on the plow and never look back. How I am so desperate and lifeless when you are not my all-in-all. So please hear my heart and please be there for me.

On the merits of Jesus and in His name I come to You my Holy Father. Help me to come boldly into Your throne room and into Your presence.


Journal 2/26/07

So my grandmother on my dad’s side passed away last night. What a bummer. My dad is dead and has been dead for 32 years, his mom is now dead as well, and my grandfather on that side is dead and has been for a long time. One thing that is sure in life is the idea that there really is no life. We are all going to die. Death is imminent. The sad thing is when life is offered and it is rejected and looked down upon. The sad thing is when we trust in our own goodness to attain the life that we do not have.

How sad! How bitterly sad!

Life is available from God himself through Jesus his son and yet more people reject this than those who embrace this. What a horrible reality that will be embraced when life, true spiritual life is rejected. My heart is broken.


I am sad and need your love as I feel like such a failure and my heart is broken. Who am I kidding these days….am I even a Christian Lord? I am so messed up inside. I am absolutely depraved and messed up and I can’t figure out what to do. I am tired of living in Romans chapter seven. I want to get to chapter eight. I love you though the actions in my heart deny that truth. I feel as if I have no feelings or emotions. I feel as if I am so hard hearted. Why won’t I weep over sin, death, and the ugliness of this world? Why do I constantly embrace the vomit and swim in it? My heart is sad Lord.


Journal 2/26/07

God is good, that is the bottom line.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Journal 2/16/07

I suck at being a Christian. I am nothing like Jesus and I am so tired of falling short in everything that I do. I HATE and ABHOR my flesh as it deceives me daily. I feel as if I am on the losing side of the battle when it comes to crucifying my flesh. I want it to die. MY FLESH NEEDS TO DIE!!!!

It is frustrating being a sinner. And yet I am a wretched sinner.

Do you know what this does? It causes me to HUNGER and THIRST for the glorified body that has been promised to me by my Savior. Jesus, I look forward to your promises. How I desperately need the glorified body and to be fully redeemed. I look forward to that day more now than ever as the vomit of this world and the evilness of my flesh weigh me down. Help me to walk in righteousness and to love those who appear to be unlovable.

I know you love me and I know that I am on the winning side, but this battle is a tough one. And I get so angry and flustered. I hate having to fight with my flesh on a regular basis as it is so much easier to give in and let my flesh reign as a king. But my flesh is not the king, you are Jesus. So please reign as a king in me…..

Friday, February 09, 2007

Journal 2/9/07


You know my heart and my desires. You know where I struggle and how ministry for me is so hard at times. You know the secret things in my heart that I will never tell. You know them, you know me. And though I may be inexperienced in life and ministry, I see and understand that those times when we stray, things really get out of hand. I want to be true to you. I am afraid to promise you anything because I know who I am. I know that I am a joke and have no idea what the Christian life is about most of the time. I have no clue how to minister. Teaching is the easy part; all the other stuff is so complicated. Yet you compel me to minister as I hear you call out my name. And you desire me to be pure, clean and holy in your sight. So Lord, help me to live my life in purity as unto you. Help me to live this life filled with your wonderful Spirit. I look forward to and can’t wait for the day when I hear you say, “Welcome Home My Child!”

Until then O Lord, I will be content with the life that you have blessed me with; knowing that what is to come is so much greater than what is. I have seen the suffering that loneliness can cause. So I choose to give my love away to you so that you can fill me in the depths of my heart. I seek your wisdom and counsel as I have none. And you have said Lord that if I ask you for wisdom, then you would supply it. Help me to sort out ministry Jesus. What is your heart and what is it that you desire for me to do? Please give me clarity. Please give me insight. Please shine through me. I am so tired of being a man who is so worldly and ungodly. I am so tired of shining my own vomit instead of your glory and I don’t know which way is up anymore. So please lead me as I try to live out your will in my life. Lead me Jesus.

On the merits of Jesus I ask these things….Amen.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Journal 2/8/07

Sometimes I feel as if the grave is mans only real destiny. It’s as if we live to die and unless there is something more, we are doomed to this cruel fate. How sad that would be. How horrible for those who refuse to walk in the ways of the Lord. Where is there hope? They are utterly hopeless. I am so blessed that there is more to life than just this point in time. I am so glad there is life after the grave and I am not bound to the realm of time that I am in.

As the time approaches speedily for me to enter the grave, (hypothetically speaking) I look forward to the destiny that lies behind the realm of death. All storms will cease. All suffering will finally end. I will be able to touch and see the One who loves me and the One whom I have longed for.

How I wish I could put you into words Lord. If I were able to do that then I would write your face on a thousand pages. I want the pages of my life to be consumed with you so that when the book of my life is finally fulfilled, that there is nothing left of me in it, as I desire for you to shine brightly through me. How I long for the story of my life to reflect you and you alone Jesus. I love you.


Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Journal 2/6/07

Oh Lord,

You really do hear my cry, and you hear my prayer. You save all my tears and you place them in a bottle because you truly care about me. So I offer my heart up to you as I declare that a moment without you is like a thousand lonely years of hell. If I can just sit with you, I know that you will wipe away my tears. For you love me in such a way that breaks me. Your love compels me to seek your face. There is only one thing that I ask of you Lord. There is only one thing that I truly seek. I want to dwell in your house all the days of my life so that I may gaze upon your beauty. I want to behold you. I want to see your face. I want to be touched by you and embraced by you as you openly declare your abounding love towards me.

Lord, I constantly sin against you and I do wrong. Yet you comfort me in your longsuffering. Lord I have walked away from you so many times yet your mercy is there for me new each morning. You are my Redeemer. You are my Savior and my King. I lay my life before you so please take all of me Lord as I surrender all that I am to you.

I need you. I desire you.


Monday, February 05, 2007

These are from yesterday

Here is our little Diva

Here are the grand parents

And here is Billy

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Journal 2/1/07


Why do I leave your presence? There truly is no other place that I would rather be. Yet I find myself out of your presence when I ought to never leave it. Why can’t I sit with you and remain sitting with you every minute of every day? Can you help remind me Father when I do leave your presence? Because a lot of the time I don’t notice me leaving your presence, I just realize that I am not in it.

I can’t believe how incredibly wonderful you truly are. You blow me away and I want to be absorbed in your fragrance. I want to know you inside and out. I long to be held by you and kissed by you as a Father would kiss his kids.

I feel so safe with you. I feel your acceptance and I feel your love. I want to make myself vulnerable to you knowing that I am precious in your sight. Oh, how I desire to be clean and I thank you that you are the one who can and who does cleanse me fully. Please help me to make my home in your presence.

You are so real to me and you are so alive. You truly care and I simply desire to humble myself before you as I come close to you and worship you for who you are. You are so beautiful. Your grace upon me, your love towards me in a good way is almost too much to bear. But how thankful I am that you call me as your own. Oh, please keep me here wrapped in your arms. My Father, Abba, I love you and I want to do your will. I want to walk in your ways all the days of my life. Help me to simply remain in your presence forever….as you hold my hand.

Thank you for singing a song over me and giving me sleep for my eyes. I am a wretch Lord, I have already been in the flesh a million times today. I am so rude and so heartless. I am cold and cruel and I don’t like that about me. I am messed up Lord. I have issues.

Yet you call me to you and I am compelled by your essence to come. You are my resting place, and there is no other place where I can be me and be accepted than when I am with you. Please, keep me in your presence today, tomorrow and all the days of my life. All I know is that I want you to reign as a king in my life and I want to serve in your courts forever.