Sunday, June 20, 2010

Journal 6/20/10

I feel so conflicted and confused inside my heart today about God, spirituality, life, death, etc. I wish I could go back to the simplicity that I felt I once had, yet it seems like that isn't something that's based in reality. I feel I can't go back, that it was just a season in my life for that time. I hate feeling so conflicted when it comes to God because He has been so faithful to me even though I have made a mess out of my life on more than one occasion.

What really sucks more than anything is facing this confliction alone because whenever I share this with other Christians who share my faith, for whatever reason, they don't get it. They either think I am lacking faith, or back-slidden, and they don't help me sort this out. Instead they expect me to not have these conflicts and just to get over it already. They expect a microwave version healing over my life and when that doesn't happen, they tell me how I am wrong or they start to pick my life apart and tell me to do this and that.

Can't someone just come along side me and carry this burden with me? I don't want to be your project, I just want a friend who I can be real with. I want a friend that wont feel threatened when I am struggling and wont walk away when whatever it is that i am going through doesn't make sense to them.

I guess that person doesn't exist in the Christian realm....which sucks! People sometimes act like I am a brand new Christian and that because I have these struggles that means that I am about to depart from my faith in God. But I have been a Christian for 20 plus years, I am not going to leave my faith, but at the same time, I am not going to be fake about it. Too many Christians act as if they don't have struggles in there life. Well guess what world, I have struggles, I have doubts, I worry, I freak out, I have panic attacks, guilt, regret, fear, etc. Am I the only Christian on this planet that have those feelings?

Why is it wrong as a Christian to be brutally honest in those areas of my life without having to defend my faith or my walk with the Lord? I don't get I said, it sucks!