Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Journal 11/17/10

Brutal! That has been my life over the last few weeks. I have felt so overwhelmed and it has taken it's toll on me. So much so that I shaved my head just to prove a point to the world that I am still me. I don't know what it is or why I feel like I have to always defend who I am or who I am not. I am overwhelmed.

So yeah, I shaved my head for a few reasons. For starters, I know that when people in the Bible would grieve often times they would shave their head as a symbol of their grieve. And I am grieving. Yesterday was the 36th anniversary of my dad's death. He was 24 years old when a 14 year old kid shot him. My dad was taken to the hospital and died a few weeks later while he was in intensive care, or at least that is what I am told....if I have my story correct.

I am not grieving the death of my dad in the traditional sense because I did not know him nor was I close to him. On the contrary, I was only 8 months old when he was murdered. But, I grieve the life I may have had if he had lived. Maybe I would not have had all the abuse I had as a kid. Maybe I would have had more, I don't know, but I am pretty sure I would not have been sexually assaulted over and over again as a child had my dad been alive. My mom would not have been on drugs when I was growing up, at least not to the extent that she was. Well, I don't know if she would or not, but there is a chance that I would not have the demons that still chase me in my nightmares because my dad was killed. Maybe he would have stopped the molestation I went through, maybe he would not have known, I don't know, but I am grieving and I am upset. Mostly, I am just overwhelmed. So yeah, I shaved my head.

But I also shaved to prove to people that I am still me. There is more to me than just one little element. I am not identified as one thing only. I am so much more than just one thing. My identity is not in my hair or in any other one thing. I have more depth than that and so I shaved my head. I loved my hair but I shaved it to prove a point. But then I cried after I shaved it. Because my hair is a big part of my identity, so it hurt to let it go, but its not my only identity so I know I can move on and wait for it to grow back. So its really painful for me on an emotional level to have a shaved head at this point in my life, I just wanted to prove that though my hair is a HUGE part of me, its not the only thing that defines me as a person. Though I look different without hair, I am still recognizable by the other features that my body has.

Yeah,I look different now. And if you saw me last week with my longer red and black hair then saw me now, you would know there were some changes that I have made to my appearance, but I would be recognizable. Though I may look different and though you may like or hate how I look with or without hair, I am still the same person. And changing the outer appearances by shaving my head does not change the inner person.

So yeah, there you have it, *big sigh*, I did this to prove a point. I am still me, no matter what I look like. I am still me. I have the same feelings, I love the same way I always have. I am still me. Why is that so hard for people to see? Is the external person more important that the inner person? Is that what we are to teach our children? I just don't get it. I think the inner person is far more important than the outer and if someone wants to look their best in a way that works for them, why is that such a big deal? Anyways, so yeah, those are my thoughts for the day.