Monday, November 01, 2010

Journal 11/1/10

Where can I take this pain that torments me? No matter where I go it never leaves my side. If you were to tear me open, you would see the pain and suffering that lives deep within the depths of my being. I am tormented. So I run and run. I mean, isn’t that what you are supposed to do? That is what I did for years and years. Because I found it to be easier to run away from the pain that was within me than to face it head on. It was easier to numb the pain than deal with it. It's so much easier to go away than face all this pain here all alone. And I was slowly dying. I was killing the very parts of me that I wanted to preserve, and I didn’t even know it. I feel as if something has been taken from deep inside of me and has been put on display for the world to dissect. This secret I've kept locked away for so long seems to find its way into the hands of those who hate me. I am talking about wounds so deep, that they never show. Yet at the same time, they never go away. It has been my lot for most of my life. And If I could change and take back the pain I have experienced over the years I would. I would seriously retrace every wrong move that I have ever made and change it. But I can’t. And if I could take all of my shame to the grave I would do that in an instant. I hate that other people who know what I have been through, I hate that they try to use that against me at times as if it were my fault that I was a victim as a child. I am hurt. I wasn’t the one who hurt people, I was the one who was hurt.

Sometimes as I remember the darkness of my past and all that I endured, as I start reminiscing on the old memories that I really wish I had never experienced, I sit there sobbing and wishing I never felt the things I felt or experienced the things I experienced. And instead of letting go, I would try to bury it deep inside and feed the pain that was already living inside of me. I never wanted to move forward with being who I am because I was so terrified of my past haunting, that in some weird way; I felt that if I didn’t move forward then I would not be able to create a past and without a past I will never hurt again. I would never have a past to haunt me. I would never have to look back again and sob in horror.

So I tried washing away who I was. I started washing away who I felt I was inside, which made me feel misplaced, because I had to pretend to be someone I wasn’t. I felt helpless, scared and defeated all the time. It was not a good place to be. And it sucked. It still sucks.

I really am trying to figure all this crap out. I thought I had it all dialed in, I thought I had everything worked out. But guess what? I didn’t have it worked out. These demons seem to follow me around like some sort of black cloud that looms over my head. And it has taken its toll on me. I can’t continue living like I have been living, where I just push aside my feelings for the sake of other people who hate me anyways. Screw them. They are not worth my time and I can’t believe that I wasted all these tears that I have shed and all the stress that I have felt on people who are not worthy of that kind of respect. They hurt me, and they could care less about what I feel or what I have gone through and for me to get stressed out over their discomfort of how I am, pfft. I can’t live for them. I won’t.

I just can’t live for them, so I have decided that starting today, I am breaking out of the bonds that have held me down for so long and I am going to face these demons that have haunted me because I have had enough. I am tired of this and I am fed up with people telling me how I am to live my life. It’s not their life to live. So starting right now, I will put my life together the way that I want it put together. It is my decision to be me, I am doing this for me because honestly, I like who I am. I am a decent person who has a lot to offer people. I've been put through hell, and I feel like those who I loved, those who I thought loved me, I feel like all they do is lift their middle finger and wave it at me. It hurts. So screw them! I will be me, and they can deal with it. I don’t know how to be anyone else, and I don’t want to be them, so I am left with me. And you know what? That’s okay because I am fun and passionate and have a lot of love and devotion to give to the right people. So if you choose to stay in my life, then GREAT, I would love that, but don’t expect me to live any other way than me simply being me.