Wednesday, February 09, 2011
So it's Wednesday morning and I have some quiet time before I head out the door for work. I have needed to write for a few days, but my head has been so cloudy. Everything inside of me has been a big blur and I haven’t been able to collect my thoughts. So for the most part I have been ignoring it, but you can only do that for so long. So yeah, it’s time to write.
It's funny how easily my emotions can tear me apart. First it breaks my head then my heart starts to suffer and ache. It kinda feels like these emotions are chewing at my bones; causing a silent chill to run through them. They are so persistent and it’s that constant nagging in the background that wears on me. Why can't these feelings leave me alone and just fade away?
So yeah, I sit here in silence as I try to sort out what is in my head. It’s still a big blur. Silence builds a terrible wreckage inside of me at times, it feeds on my loneliness, my isolation and it creates a void buried deep inside the recesses of my soul. Gray shadows haunt and torment and torture me to the point where I feel stricken, despised and destroyed. I don’t like to be alone. Yet at times I do like the quietness. I like being able to reflect and just sip on a warm cup of coffee and just breathe. *Deep Breath, ahhhhh* I just don’t want to feel hopeless anymore. And that is where I think my head is at. I feel hopeless, like a lost cause that makes everyone around me uncomfortable by my presence. And I know that isn’t necessarily true at all times, but I feel like such a burden to people. I feel like a ball of confusion. I feel awkward.
At times there is no sound of laughter or happiness in my heart, at other times my heart is filled with joy and I can't stop laughing. All these conflicting emotions can be felt at the same time. It's overwhelming. And I wouldn’t mind it so much if those feelings of utter despair would not be sitting there in the shadows of my mind waiting for an opportune time to devour me. I feel so guarded, not just from other people but from myself as well. I feel like I have to be prepared for battle at all times as I wait for these feelings of despair to make their next move. And all I want to do is rest, but I am afraid that once I let my guard down and I look the other way, that the feelings of despair will attack me and I will be unable to fight them off. I am weak. I don’t want conflict. I hate fighting, yet this is the best analogy that I can think of when it comes to the internal struggles I face.
Do I throw in the towel today or do I carry on in the circles that I seem to find myself in? These somber, melancholy moods wear me down as they tell me that it’s futile to hope, dream and pray. But I know they are lies. I feel hopeful even in the midst of confusion, but I am tired.
Emptiness wants to builds a home within me. And oh how I run from it like I would run from the black plague. I am confused. I feel like an exile, different and disdained. So yeah, confusion, internal confusion seems to be where my head is at right now. I don’t feel depressed, thank Gawd!!! I just feel like I am walking around in the fog as I try to get my bearings and figure out where I am at. I can see the faint images of things around me but the fog really hinders my view and I can only make out the shapes, but there is no clarity. I have no idea if I am in a place I recognize. Everything is blocked by the fog. I feel confused.
Have things changed? Or are they the same? If I wanted to get home, do I walk the same way, in the same direction or do I turn around and walk the other way? Or am I standing in front of my house yet not realizing it because of the thickness of the haze in my mind? Confusion; that is where I am at. At least I am not depressed. I just need clarity and I will take that over depression any day of the week.