Friday, October 22, 2010

Journal 10/22/10

I feel like my life is under the microscope from disapproving people and its overwhelming. I just wish that those who don't agree with me or the way I raise my family or the way I choose to do the things that I do, I wish they would just leave me alone and leave their judgmental thoughts to themselves.

I feel like I am being watched and no matter what I do I will never meet your standards. I feel as if you only see things the way you want to see them. Yet everything you do you can justify. You think I am the confused one, how do you do it? How can you sit there and openly come against me when you are no better? In your mind, I am blind, and of course you are right all of the time. There is nothing I can say or do that will change the way you see things so why should I bother. I am not who you are and I never will be, should I be sorry for that? Well I am not sorry.

I feel like I can't do anything right in your eyes. I feel like you just want to pounce on me, on my every move just so you can find something that you disagree with. Go ahead, kick me when I am down, if that is what it takes to make you feel better, then do that. I can't be like you. And I really don't want to either. I will never be good enough for you. I can bear my soul and lay all that I am out on the table and it's still not going to be enough, so I give up.

Please tell me what it feels like to be in your shoes. I want to know what sensations you feel as you walk over people like me the way that you do. Your words are hurtful and I sit here waiting for you to take me down again. I mean, I know that you are perfect and that I am the only person on this planet that has issues. I am hurt. You try to cage me like I am some wounded animal and I am hurt. Just go your way and I will go mine!

...this is the turmoil that I get to feel when you come against me the way that you do. I hate feeling this way. I hate crying as much as you have made me cry. I hate that I have given you this much power over my state of mind. I do not belong to you and I am not going to give you the power that you have tried to take. My family and I have moved on, its time for you to do the same. Leave me, my kids and my girlfriend alone. Leave all my family alone, leave my siblings alone and leave anyone that I am associated with alone! Go bug someone else, I don't have time for your judgmental disapproval on how I should live and breathe to meet your standards. I can't meet them, nor do I want to.

I want to cry.