journal 3/28/10

Today my girlfriend goes to New York for a week. I am so happy she gets to go. What a blessing it will be for her to experience a part of American culture that she would normally not be able to experience. She will be able to meet up with old friends and visit with her sister who is going with her, that's so incredible. I hope she cherishes this time for years and years. I hope the memories she creates this week will be something that brings a smile to her face for the rest of her life.

But I have mixed feelings if I am to be honest. I mean, I want her to go. I want her to have the time of her life, she deserves that and I would be so sad if she were not able to experience this trip. But I will miss her so much. She is my rock, and my sanity. I love her in so many ways and on so many levels because she gets me, she understands me and she loves me as I am. But I will miss her terribly even though its only a week. I mean, I already miss her.

Its not the end of the world, I do hope that she has the best time of her life. I am so happy for her. I do pray that she is safe the whole time, for the entire trip. And by this time next week, Lord willing, she will be in my arms...how I long for that moment. I love my Sarah so much. :)

Bill

Journal 3-25-10

So I sit here waiting, wondering when the day will come when we will be together. I know that its upon the horizon, that its on its way, but waiting, lets just say I am not so good at it. I desire more than anything to hold you, to see your smile in person and to be able to hug you when you need it. I miss you. I am excited for what is to come, I just wish it were sooner. I love you.

Journal 3-20-09

Well, its Saturday and I find myself sitting here wondering what I am going to do for the day. I kinda already know as I have to run to the store to get some food to feed my kids. I am working on my third load of laundry, and should have that caught up in a few hours. Billy is up from nap and is playing video games while Tobias and Mercy are still down for their naps.

Yes they still take naps, I need them to, lol. It keeps me sane and makes them so much more delightful to be around, lol.

Its quiet right now and I am not used to it. I do like it but then I don't either. I am off of school for a week, that's good, and I am going to work more hours, (hopefully), which is also good.

There you have it. That's all I got. I have nothing else really to say today.

Journal 3/18/09

it was 7 years ago that I was told by a doctor to go home and wait for my son Tobias to die. I am so glad they were wrong.

Thank you Lord, for the last 7 years with my son and for all the future times with him and my other kids as well.

Journal 3/7/10

Grace - How can I ever express the gratitude I have when it comes to the grace that God has shown me? I feel so lost so much of the time when it comes to who Jesus is and how much He genuinely embraces my broken and messed up soul. I long to be in that intimate place where I can see the face of Jesus clearly, to behold His glory and to be made into His image.

Yet I find myself so far from this desire much of the time. Grace, I would be lost, no, I would be totally devastated without it. For it is God's grace alone that enables me to move forward and to come to Him when I feel I cant. His grace enables me to come to Him when shame tells me to run in the other direction. And I feel so much shame these days, I have so much fear and when I think about how God loves me from the inside out and how all His anger and frustration that He would ever have towards me was poured out on His son, it causes me to question why it is that I still feel inadequate before the Lord?

It's not that I am in a bad place in my life. I am happy, things are better than they have been in a long time. I am in love. I have three incredible kids too but I struggle so deeply with the issue of intimacy with the Lord, with the church, and I don't want to water-coat how I feel or where I am at. Its a struggle, a real one, one that I have had to endure alone and will have to continue to figure out alone. I just cant take people telling me that I have to do this and that for me to feel what I desire because all I feel when I do those things is total devastation and abandonment. And that puts me in a far worse place than I was previously in.

I don't want to discredit what I am told, but it just doesn't work for me. I am of a different mold than most normal people, I have more issues in my heart, I struggle with trust more than most people because of the stuff I have had to endure in my life time. The words, "Just trust in the Lord Bill" is not enough for me. It just isn't.

I guess the bottom line is that I just feel so distant and desire to be more intimate with God yet I am so hurt by the church body and the lack of love I have experienced, I struggle with all the rejection I have encountered and it hurts deeply.

But all is not lost. I know God is good and that is not a cliche phrase either. I know that when all else fails, when Gods people fail me as they have, when I fail others, as I have, I still know that God is good and that He loves me. And hopefully one day all this will get sorted out.

Until then, I will just continue on as I am until I can get to that place that I desire, if its even possible.

Journal 3/6/10

I had a GREAT day with the kids. i took them to the forest and walked on some trails. It was a lot of fun.

Journal 3-5-10

Its Friday, I am looking forward to the weekend. I don't know why though, lol, its not like I will have a break, I still have to work, and be a parent, but at least i wont have to deal with school for 2 days. But things are good....i can't really complain.