Friday, October 17, 2008

Journal 10-17-08

Moving On! What does that mean? I am telling those around me that I am moving on and I really am. Does that mean that I have forgotten the last 8 years that I shared with Jessica as her husband? No. It just means that I am not going to live in the past. That means that I will pursue new things apart from Jessica (wow, can you believe I would say such a thing?). No worries, she will do the same thing as well. You know there actually is life after a divorce. Its not the end of the world. Yes its hard at times, but its not the end.

Dont get me wrong, I still struggle with depression, I still have my good days and bad days. But I am moving forward. I am moving onto the next chapter in my life (and I am excited about it too…please be excited with me). I am not even saying that the last chapter was a bad one, but to be honest, that chapter has ended and I am in the next chapter now. Its exciting and scary at the same time. Its filled with laughter and filled fear.

Just because I am moving on does not mean that I don’t have emotions or feelings or am so calloused that I cant feel anymore. If anything, I have learned to feel all over again. I have felt more pain and humiliation, fear, regret, anger, hatred and stress than most people. But I have also begun to feel love, joy, happiness, contentment, passion, humility, grace, and the list goes on.

I have learned a valuable lesson. EVERYONE has an opinion on how long I should grieve, or if I am moving to fast or slow in my next chapter in my life. But you cant live this out for me. I have to figure this out and work through these things myself. I am ok, I really am and I am sorry if I offend you because I am moving forward at a pace that you disagree with. But I think its even more unhealthy to live in a fantasy world. So please quit giving me grieve because I am not sulking as you think I ought to sulk.

I have done enough crying and sobbing and weeping, I am done. I have (are you ready for this?) I have moved on……!

Sorry this sounds harsh, but I get overwhelmed when people cant leave this alone. Again, this is not directed at anyone in particular, I am just venting my emotions and working through this in a way that works for me. I love you all very much, and I am so grateful you are in my life but let me sort this out and if I move to fast or too slow, then so what. I am bound to make mistakes, I will learn from them. But I have to do this in a way that works for me. Please respect that.