Journal 10-31-10

Its been an emotional week or two. It sucks when people you care about don't care about you. That is a hard reality to take in and adjust to, but its life. It just sucks feeling rejected. But what do I know?

Journal 10-27-10

I feel so anxious today. It sucks.

Journal 10/25/10

I feel sad today. :(

Sealed in Blood

Sealed in Blood

What’s going on in me? I am afraid to be
Left alone I cry, wings clipped I cannot fly!
Transformed into a freak, vicious society
Hated, loathed and despised
My Demise_______________________________!!!

This torment I now feel, in my own blood’s revealed
I claw at my skin, this hell from you, I’m in.
Can’t get you off of me, you stole my purity
Left here mourning alone
I hate you__________________________!!!

I’m gone, my hell, in pain, corpse shell
No hope, not free, no rest, for me________!!!!

Bill Scott, Sr.

Journal 10/22/10

I feel like my life is under the microscope from disapproving people and its overwhelming. I just wish that those who don't agree with me or the way I raise my family or the way I choose to do the things that I do, I wish they would just leave me alone and leave their judgmental thoughts to themselves.

I feel like I am being watched and no matter what I do I will never meet your standards. I feel as if you only see things the way you want to see them. Yet everything you do you can justify. You think I am the confused one, how do you do it? How can you sit there and openly come against me when you are no better? In your mind, I am blind, and of course you are right all of the time. There is nothing I can say or do that will change the way you see things so why should I bother. I am not who you are and I never will be, should I be sorry for that? Well I am not sorry.

I feel like I can't do anything right in your eyes. I feel like you just want to pounce on me, on my every move just so you can find something that you disagree with. Go ahead, kick me when I am down, if that is what it takes to make you feel better, then do that. I can't be like you. And I really don't want to either. I will never be good enough for you. I can bear my soul and lay all that I am out on the table and it's still not going to be enough, so I give up.

Please tell me what it feels like to be in your shoes. I want to know what sensations you feel as you walk over people like me the way that you do. Your words are hurtful and I sit here waiting for you to take me down again. I mean, I know that you are perfect and that I am the only person on this planet that has issues. I am hurt. You try to cage me like I am some wounded animal and I am hurt. Just go your way and I will go mine!

...this is the turmoil that I get to feel when you come against me the way that you do. I hate feeling this way. I hate crying as much as you have made me cry. I hate that I have given you this much power over my state of mind. I do not belong to you and I am not going to give you the power that you have tried to take. My family and I have moved on, its time for you to do the same. Leave me, my kids and my girlfriend alone. Leave all my family alone, leave my siblings alone and leave anyone that I am associated with alone! Go bug someone else, I don't have time for your judgmental disapproval on how I should live and breathe to meet your standards. I can't meet them, nor do I want to.

I want to cry.

Journal 10/12/10

Well, its Tuesday morning, 7am, and the kids are fed and ready for school, yet we still have an hour before we have to leave. I like having time in the mornings to actually take my time.

Last year I had to be at school by 7am, that was rough because I had to get the kids up so much earlier and get them to their daycare before I got to my school at 7am. I had no time in the mornings last year and had to be a drill sergeant. This year I don't work till 9am and I get up at 6am, I have a three hour window compared to last year. I would get up at 530 last year, shower get the kids up at 6am then be in the car at 615am. there was just no time, and the kids HATED it, as did I.

All that said, I can just relax, drink my coffee, maybe even two cups then slowly get ready for work. Oh wait, I am ready, ha-ha. I guess its 2 cups of coffee today.

Yaaaay!

Journal 10/7/10

Well, Here I am, sitting here pondering things. I am not sure where I am going with this journal entry, but at least I am writing on a day when things don't feel like they are pushing in against me and crushing me under their weight.

I have been sick for about a week. I went to church and this guy sits behind me and sneezes on me, and I was like, ewwwwwww that was gross. Then he sneezes like 10 more times and I am so grossed out that I move my seat to the other side of the church to get away from him. And the next thing you know, I am sick and have had this mans cold for a week now. I even missed work yesterday because I felt like death rolled right over me and I simply needed to get some rest.

I feel better today. The kids are doing well and Sarah is Amazing. I have a blessed life and I am so happy to be where I am in this season in my life. I really do love my life. My job is good, my family life is good, I don't have alot of friends, but the ones that I do have are solid friends who are as devoted to me as much as I am to them. Things are good.

It was a dark season for such a long time in my life, and I still have hauntings from my childhood. Every time I hear something on the news about a kid that is being abused or when I hear about some predator on the loose, it takes me back to that horrible place when I was a kid....its still hard for me to cope with those monsters that haunted me for all those years when I was just a kid. I still find myself sobbing at times and cowering in a corner. I can still smell the stench of those horrible monsters at times and it is wearisome. But I have been able to manage things better now. Its still very hard to be me, but I am able to find joy in the little things when these feelings of despair come in to haunt me.

I do wish I were able to trust people more, but I just cant. You can't live the hell that I lived and walk away from it untarnished. When you go through the things that I have, it changes everything about you. It changes the very fiber of who you were going to be and it sends you on a different course that is nothing like what it could have been had you never experienced the pain and horrors that were experienced.

I am not the same person that I was and for the longest time, pretty much my entire life, I was afraid to face these demons in my life and I ran from them. I ran from me. But these days, things are different. I no longer run from these demons. I am facing them, they still scare the hell out of me and shake me to my core, but I am facing them. And I am no longer running from me, I am now embracing who I am and who I have become because of my experiences. And I am finding more and more that I really like who I am, and who I am becoming. I don't know what this new phase in my journey will look like, but I am not afraid to just be me.

And I know I will battle this all the time. I will go back and forth and be wishy washy because as I am becoming more and more comfortable with who I am, it makes me more vulnerable. What I mean is that in order for me to just be me, I have to become vulnerable and when that happens, then the chances of me getting hurt again are real and that scares me, but I cant run from me anymore. No matter what happens, no matter how far I run, I am still with me, so now, instead of running, I am embracing and learning to love that person who I ran from since I was a child. Because that person is an amazing person. So I am embracing me and no longer running from me.

I guess the bottom line is that I am happy and I am looking forward to discovering who I am. I have a solid support group and they help carry me when I need it. But most of the time they are just holding my hand as I continue to discover who I am and how I fit in this thing called life. Life is good.

13

Here is a new song I wrote called 13:

13


I hear you breathing at my door; my heart pounds, mouth drops to the floor.
Cold sweat begins to appear upon my bare body

Its dark, I’m scared as you come in; you say no words as you begin
I whimper cry, I sob and gasp, as you penetrate
I beg to die, don’t wanna live, as you desecrate

Now that you’ve had your way with me; you walk away; I’m still sobbing
You’ve taken who I am, and who I was, away with you
I’m full of shame; broken, scarred, blistered now, what do I do?

I live on in confusion, a dark place for me to be
Won’t hesitate to tell you, how ashamed I feel you see
This man came out to haunt me and he lives in my nightmares
I hate what he does to me and its him I really fear

But that fear from him keeps growing, as I cower in defeat
I cannot handle what he does and how he looks at me
Do they see what he is doing; do they blame that man at all?
He’s my demon, he’s a monster, its him who makes my skin crawl

So I look at everybody with these blood stained sobbing eyes
It’s hard for me to trust people, I see demons and lies
I run away in horror, I’m so guarded, there’s no trust
I know you want to hurt me, as my spirit has been crushed

I hate what happened to me, will I ever heal at all?
My life is lived in shambles, as I hide behind these walls.
I am lonely, I am weak, I am frightened to my core
I can never go back to the person who I was before!!!

Journal 10/5/10

I am sick today, it is so sucky!

Journal 10/2/10

Feels sad today. Someone close to me and who I care about doesn't believe me when I let them know I care about them. That really breaks my heart.