Journal 3-20-09

Well, its Saturday and I find myself sitting here wondering what I am going to do for the day. I kinda already know as I have to run to the store to get some food to feed my kids. I am working on my third load of laundry, and should have that caught up in a few hours. Billy is up from nap and is playing video games while Tobias and Mercy are still down for their naps.

Yes they still take naps, I need them to, lol. It keeps me sane and makes them so much more delightful to be around, lol.

Its quiet right now and I am not used to it. I do like it but then I don't either. I am off of school for a week, that's good, and I am going to work more hours, (hopefully), which is also good.

There you have it. That's all I got. I have nothing else really to say today.

Journal 3/18/09

it was 7 years ago that I was told by a doctor to go home and wait for my son Tobias to die. I am so glad they were wrong.

Thank you Lord, for the last 7 years with my son and for all the future times with him and my other kids as well.

Journal 3/7/10

Grace - How can I ever express the gratitude I have when it comes to the grace that God has shown me? I feel so lost so much of the time when it comes to who Jesus is and how much He genuinely embraces my broken and messed up soul. I long to be in that intimate place where I can see the face of Jesus clearly, to behold His glory and to be made into His image.

Yet I find myself so far from this desire much of the time. Grace, I would be lost, no, I would be totally devastated without it. For it is God's grace alone that enables me to move forward and to come to Him when I feel I cant. His grace enables me to come to Him when shame tells me to run in the other direction. And I feel so much shame these days, I have so much fear and when I think about how God loves me from the inside out and how all His anger and frustration that He would ever have towards me was poured out on His son, it causes me to question why it is that I still feel inadequate before the Lord?

It's not that I am in a bad place in my life. I am happy, things are better than they have been in a long time. I am in love. I have three incredible kids too but I struggle so deeply with the issue of intimacy with the Lord, with the church, and I don't want to water-coat how I feel or where I am at. Its a struggle, a real one, one that I have had to endure alone and will have to continue to figure out alone. I just cant take people telling me that I have to do this and that for me to feel what I desire because all I feel when I do those things is total devastation and abandonment. And that puts me in a far worse place than I was previously in.

I don't want to discredit what I am told, but it just doesn't work for me. I am of a different mold than most normal people, I have more issues in my heart, I struggle with trust more than most people because of the stuff I have had to endure in my life time. The words, "Just trust in the Lord Bill" is not enough for me. It just isn't.

I guess the bottom line is that I just feel so distant and desire to be more intimate with God yet I am so hurt by the church body and the lack of love I have experienced, I struggle with all the rejection I have encountered and it hurts deeply.

But all is not lost. I know God is good and that is not a cliche phrase either. I know that when all else fails, when Gods people fail me as they have, when I fail others, as I have, I still know that God is good and that He loves me. And hopefully one day all this will get sorted out.

Until then, I will just continue on as I am until I can get to that place that I desire, if its even possible.

Journal 3/6/10

I had a GREAT day with the kids. i took them to the forest and walked on some trails. It was a lot of fun.

Journal 3-5-10

Its Friday, I am looking forward to the weekend. I don't know why though, lol, its not like I will have a break, I still have to work, and be a parent, but at least i wont have to deal with school for 2 days. But things are good....i can't really complain.

Journal 2-23-10

As I sit here, I ponder the road that my life has taken me on. I never dreamed I would be where I am today. Its not bad, not at all, its just that I never could picture being in this place. I have conflicting emotions. I am happy, I really am, yet I still find that I miss so many of the old times, I miss the connections I had with people in the different stages in my life. I feel like I am so far from the person I once was, and again, that's not a bad thing, its just different.

I have more fear now than I have ever had in the past. I was more confident in the past where I just am not as confident. I mean, I and not so afraid and lacking confidence that I will hide in corner and weep in hysteria, but its just different.

I know its because I am in a new chapter in my life, and its a GREAT chapter, but the unknown is scary and it makes me miss the times when things were known by me, when i had confidence and when i was sure of my destiny.

Now most of what I do comes down to living by faith. And I am not even trying to be spiritual when I say that. I have to live by faith that becoming self employed will work out. I have to live by faith in so many areas of my life; with my kids and being a father, a student, a boyfriend, a band member. So much uncertainty, so many things on the horizon that can radically change my life and take it in a different direction. Its just a different place to be. i do look forward to it, but while I am in this uncertain state, i miss the certainty that I once felt I had.

All is well though. I am a happy person. I am blessed. I just have been contemplating things more and more the last few days. I want to be a person who is loved and who loves everyone I come into contact with. I hate failing at even the smallest things. I value the relationships that are in my life right now and I hope I never lose them.

So yeah, there you have it. These are my thoughts right now.

Journal 12/30/09

I am so blessed. I have my wonderful kids, my incredible band, and my girlfriend who all make me feel so loved. I am a blessed man.

journal 6/25/09

today is a better day.....

Journal 6-23-09

I can't seem to shake my feelings of dispair that i have been having since saturday. I am not sure why I am so depressed, if the knotts were not in my stomach then it would be bearable.

Please make the bad man go away....!!!

Journal 6-21-09

Welcome to my hell. This is a place where the free are locked up and alone, but thats ok. I would rather be here alone where no one can get in and hurt me than to be out there with the world stomping on my heart. I understand that its human nature to do and say things that are careless and mean at times, so i dont hold any grudges against anyone at all. But its time to be a hermit. I dont want to get into a place where I dont like people, I would rather have the feelings of dispair and feelings of isolation than to start to despise people.

I am in a place where I no longer feel much. I do feel numbness and thats kinda nice. And I am in a place where I just dont care anymore about alot of things. I just dont care. There was a time when I actually did care, and I am sure in the far future I may care again, but for now, the walls are up and will be up for a while.

I sit here on my couch by myself cuz I would rather be alone than deal with or talk to people. I know that most my blogging seems to be more on the down side of the scale, but that's where i am at when i am in the mood to write. It doesn't mean I am always down, cuz I'm not, but it does mean when I write I am in that mood.

I have learned alot over the last 6 months, and I have changed my position on alot of things. I now believe that nothing last forever, and with that, its important to take in and cherish what you have because like the wind or a flower that blooms in the hot sun, it will quickly fade and you may never see it again. So cherish the moments in time that you are actually able to smile, because it wont last.

fear is my new friend, as i fear I will be one who dies alone. thats my lot.....

Journal 3/26/09

I am so depressed and my heart is broken. My friends son took his life on Monday, he was 25 years old. How I hate this world, it is so messed up and filled with disaster and grief. How I grieve with my friend. How I mourn alongside him and sob with him.

Oh God, please bring comfort to Craig and Roxanne. Please take this disaster, this nightmare, this horrendous heart wrenching tragedy and receive glory in teh midst of this. Please have mercy Jesus and please hold my friends and carry them through this. You are the only one who can give them peace in the midst of what they are experiencing....

I am so depressed and my heart is broken....

Journal 3/8/09

What is happening in my life? I feel so far away from who i thought I would be. I feel lost, consumed in loneliness and I feel like such a failure. I want to go back to that time when things were simple. I want to meet with Jesus again like I used to. I feel like my heart is so hard these days towards the Lord. I hate who I am and hate where i am.

Oh Jesus, please forgive me for everything I have done. I am a mess and my life apart from you has been a disaster. I don't know what to do. I feel like Peter who at one point took a step of faith and stepped out of the boat and started to walk on water, but then he began to sink. I don't feel like I have ever had the faith to walk on water, but i do feel like I am sinking in the oceans of regret and despair.

I am in a place now where I no longer can just return to the former days, they are long in the past, buried in another life. I need a new encounter with you Jesus. I am sinking, my life is a mess and the only way I can ever recover from my brokenness is by your hand reaching down and consuming me once again. I want to be consumed by you again.....how do I get to that place from where I am currently? I feel dead on the inside, a walking corpse with nothing to offer.

I don't know what to do Lord. I am lost without you and I don't like the way life is anymore. I want what I once had. I want to be a godly man, yet I find I do not have the power or consistency that godly men have.

I am lost, I am desperate, I am alone.

journal 2-7-09

Being unemployed sucks. I have never been unemployed and its hard getting up and not knowing what the day holds. But God is in control and i trust Him. Thats all i got for now....

Journal 1/19/09

I am so tired today. I can barely keep my eyes open. I wish I had more strength. But I dont, I am wiped out completely.

I need some sleep.

journal 12-19-08

As the year draws to a close, I cant help but feel the pain of the unexpected that has happened. Could things have been worse this year? Probably, but as the old Oregon saying goes, "it is what it is!"

I guess its time to just deal with the hand that has been dealt. Oh well.

Journal 12/4/08

Its time for another break on life. I am so burned out. See ya!!

Journal 12-3/08

I am numb.

Thoughts

My oldest son and I have been talking alot lately. Its been so refreshing and nice.

Journal 11/26/08

Not much going on these days. Just have to get the kids ready tonight to head over to the X-laws for thanksgiving. I have alot of driving to do this weekend, and that is not something that I am looking forward to. My car is acting up. I need to take it in the shop, but when?

Tired

This is just a poem I wrote, dont read too much into it.....lol, its just a poem. I am not telling my friends to not call me, lol. I just wrote a poem only. Bill

I am tired. I am weak, I am overwhelmed and want to sleep.
I feel dead, I want to cry, I wish I could be alone and die
All this pain, all this hurt, fills my life, I feel like dirt
But I don’t care, I am depressed, I will live on, in my distress

People lie, they say they care, but their actions only cause despair.
And though I try to do what’s right, I always fail them in their sight.
I just cant, live for them, its to draining, as they condemn
So I will simply take a break, don’t bother me, for its too late.

Leave me alone, I done with all. Don’t bother me, and please don’t call.
I will live without you all, you have hurt me, there’s now a wall.
Its up high and built of stone, its purpose is for you, to leave me alone.
I am tired, I am weak, I am overwhelmed and want to sleep.