journal 6/28/10

Today was a good day.

Journal 6-28-10

Today was okay. My emotions are all over the place. I went to see Toy Story 3 and started to cry at the bonds that the characters in the movie had. I have never had those kind of friends. I wonder what that would be like.....to be close friends till the end of your life. To have someone love me so much that they would be there for me trying to comfort me even in the face of death. I want to be that way with those who are close to me.

I am sad on the inside right now. Not depressed, just a little down.

journal 6/26/10

I'm feeling conflicted internally tonight.

Journal 6/20/10

I feel so conflicted and confused inside my heart today about God, spirituality, life, death, etc. I wish I could go back to the simplicity that I felt I once had, yet it seems like that isn't something that's based in reality. I feel I can't go back, that it was just a season in my life for that time. I hate feeling so conflicted when it comes to God because He has been so faithful to me even though I have made a mess out of my life on more than one occasion.

What really sucks more than anything is facing this confliction alone because whenever I share this with other Christians who share my faith, for whatever reason, they don't get it. They either think I am lacking faith, or back-slidden, and they don't help me sort this out. Instead they expect me to not have these conflicts and just to get over it already. They expect a microwave version healing over my life and when that doesn't happen, they tell me how I am wrong or they start to pick my life apart and tell me to do this and that.

Can't someone just come along side me and carry this burden with me? I don't want to be your project, I just want a friend who I can be real with. I want a friend that wont feel threatened when I am struggling and wont walk away when whatever it is that i am going through doesn't make sense to them.

I guess that person doesn't exist in the Christian realm....which sucks! People sometimes act like I am a brand new Christian and that because I have these struggles that means that I am about to depart from my faith in God. But I have been a Christian for 20 plus years, I am not going to leave my faith, but at the same time, I am not going to be fake about it. Too many Christians act as if they don't have struggles in there life. Well guess what world, I have struggles, I have doubts, I worry, I freak out, I have panic attacks, guilt, regret, fear, etc. Am I the only Christian on this planet that have those feelings?

Why is it wrong as a Christian to be brutally honest in those areas of my life without having to defend my faith or my walk with the Lord? I don't get it.....like I said, it sucks!

Journal 6/19/10

Well, its Saturday morning, and I am tired. Lets see, the boys woke me up at 530am screaming (in fun of course) but I was not too thrilled with that. So I stumble downstairs with a not so happy look on my face, I open their door and both boys drop down and act like they are asleep. The only word I can even muster is, "Seriously?" Billy opens his eyes but Tobias acts like he is asleep. "Tobias, quit acting like your asleep, I heard you. What in the world guys? Really?" They say nothing.

Well, whenever I walk down the stairs, guess who it wakes? It wakes Mercy. So now she is up and I am like, uggg! I cant get upset with Mercy, I am the one who woke her up. So I figure, oh well, go ahead get up guys.

But Billy says, Dad, I peed the bed. I ask him, "Are you wearing a pull up?" He says yes but that it went through. I am so tired, so I strip down his bedding ad do a load of laundry, get the tub ready and bathe both boys, and geeze, since its 530 and we are all up, I bathe the girl as well.

I am tired, but have gotten alot accomplished before my 1st cup of coffee.

As much as I hate being this tired, and as overwhelming single parenting is, in a weird way, I really love all this work. There is never a dull moment and I am really grateful that I have these moments in time where I dont just sleep my life away.

Now, I need some more coffee, I need to change the laundry over and do another load, I swear the kids must be throwing their underwear away, they used to have like 80 pairs and now I cant ever find any for them to wear.

I am a blessed man!

My Someone

I want someone who will care, who will love me as I am
Someone who sees me as me, who will not run away in fear
I long for intimacy, and for a long held embrace,
I long for passionate love, one who will kiss my face

I long to be free with the one I love,
She will love my personality and desire my time
She will seek me out, and wonder how I am
Her heart will be entwined with mine

I long to share the rest of my life with this woman I adore
I want to share my desires, and share my hurts
I long to have a girl who will stand by my side
It won’t matter what storms come or how big the tide.

She will not run away, or quit when things get rough
She will be devoted to me; embracing me in love
She will understand me and the way I think
She will love my humor, love my heart so passionately.

And I in return, will do the same with her,
I will pour out all I am and really care for her.
I will praise her beauty every day and night
I will love her deeply, she will be my delight

I will ask about her day, and listen as she speaks
I will comfort her when she is feeling weak
I will show her just how she is the world to me
I will embrace her; hold her, love her more than I love me

And the funny thing is, this girl was already in my life
Yet I went years without knowing that she was Mrs. Right
And I have now found what I was looking for
My Sarah Jo is the woman that I really adore

With her in my life, everything is complete
She fulfills all my desires, and she satisfies me.
I have written these words, they are honest and true
Sarah, you’re my angel and I am in love with you!

Okay

Okay!
I’m told it’s not okay to be lonely; it’s not okay to be stressed.
It’s not okay to have worries; it’s not okay to be depressed.
It’s not okay to be angry; it’s not okay to have fear.
It’s not okay to have your feelings; it’s not okay, do you hear?

It’s not okay to be hungry; it’s not okay not to eat.
It’s not okay to think too much; it’s not okay for you to grieve.
It’s not okay for you to mess up; it’s not okay for you not to pray.
It’s not okay to weep and wail; it’s simply not okay.

All I hear from you all the time; is how what I feel is not okay.
I’m told I’m always to be happy; if I’m not I’m spiritually decayed.
It’s not okay for me to be wounded; it’s not okay for me to hurt.
It’s not okay for me to hate death; and not okay to feel like dirt.

The things you think I’m doing wrong; to you is not ideal.
You’re telling me to be less human; telling me not to be real.
And if I do just as you say; then I’ll be just like you.
Yet even you don’t do as you say; now what do I do?

I think I want to sob and grieve; I think I want to stress.
I can do this and be a Christian; does not mean I’m oppressed.
Its okay for me to sorrow; its okay for me to cry.
It’s okay if it takes years; to heal when someone dies.

So now I sit here dazed, confused; my mouth dropped open wide
No matter what I say or do, to you, Christ I deny
So as I sit before the Lord; with nothing much to say.
He says my son, don’t you worry; to Me, you are okay!

Quote of the Day

“When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.”

Journal 4/11/10

What a week. I had the love of my life here with me. We spent a few days with the kids then we went to Seattle and then onto Canada. I have never in all my life been so radically in love in the way that I am now. I feel all giddy inside. And yet when my love had to fly back to California today, the air got so thick that I could hardly breathe. I miss her so much and yet its only been a few hours. I am hopeful though, as I know our circumstances of being apart are only on a temporary basis.

I love you Sarah, you have captured my heart in ways that even surprise me. I can't wait until our home is in fact that, Our Home, Together.

In the meantime, I will do my best not to be sad and cry, so far so good, well at least in the crying part, I am sorta sad, but I know its just a short-term thing.

On a side note, when crossing the border to get into Canada, Sarah and I had asked if we could get our passports stamped and the guy was like super friendly and said to go inside and hand the other guy this paper that he gave us and that they would stamp it. we were so excited. but when we got inside, OMG, the guy was so freakin rude and mean and he interrogated us, and searched us and questioned us and searched our car. He was mean. And after keeping us there like we were some guilty terrorist, he finally let us go and refused to stamp our passports. That was the only downside to this last week and yet even in the midst of it, my Sarah was able to keep me calm and at peace. I love how she does that.

journal 3/28/10

Today my girlfriend goes to New York for a week. I am so happy she gets to go. What a blessing it will be for her to experience a part of American culture that she would normally not be able to experience. She will be able to meet up with old friends and visit with her sister who is going with her, that's so incredible. I hope she cherishes this time for years and years. I hope the memories she creates this week will be something that brings a smile to her face for the rest of her life.

But I have mixed feelings if I am to be honest. I mean, I want her to go. I want her to have the time of her life, she deserves that and I would be so sad if she were not able to experience this trip. But I will miss her so much. She is my rock, and my sanity. I love her in so many ways and on so many levels because she gets me, she understands me and she loves me as I am. But I will miss her terribly even though its only a week. I mean, I already miss her.

Its not the end of the world, I do hope that she has the best time of her life. I am so happy for her. I do pray that she is safe the whole time, for the entire trip. And by this time next week, Lord willing, she will be in my arms...how I long for that moment. I love my Sarah so much. :)

Bill

Journal 3-25-10

So I sit here waiting, wondering when the day will come when we will be together. I know that its upon the horizon, that its on its way, but waiting, lets just say I am not so good at it. I desire more than anything to hold you, to see your smile in person and to be able to hug you when you need it. I miss you. I am excited for what is to come, I just wish it were sooner. I love you.

Journal 3-20-09

Well, its Saturday and I find myself sitting here wondering what I am going to do for the day. I kinda already know as I have to run to the store to get some food to feed my kids. I am working on my third load of laundry, and should have that caught up in a few hours. Billy is up from nap and is playing video games while Tobias and Mercy are still down for their naps.

Yes they still take naps, I need them to, lol. It keeps me sane and makes them so much more delightful to be around, lol.

Its quiet right now and I am not used to it. I do like it but then I don't either. I am off of school for a week, that's good, and I am going to work more hours, (hopefully), which is also good.

There you have it. That's all I got. I have nothing else really to say today.

Journal 3/18/09

it was 7 years ago that I was told by a doctor to go home and wait for my son Tobias to die. I am so glad they were wrong.

Thank you Lord, for the last 7 years with my son and for all the future times with him and my other kids as well.

Journal 3/7/10

Grace - How can I ever express the gratitude I have when it comes to the grace that God has shown me? I feel so lost so much of the time when it comes to who Jesus is and how much He genuinely embraces my broken and messed up soul. I long to be in that intimate place where I can see the face of Jesus clearly, to behold His glory and to be made into His image.

Yet I find myself so far from this desire much of the time. Grace, I would be lost, no, I would be totally devastated without it. For it is God's grace alone that enables me to move forward and to come to Him when I feel I cant. His grace enables me to come to Him when shame tells me to run in the other direction. And I feel so much shame these days, I have so much fear and when I think about how God loves me from the inside out and how all His anger and frustration that He would ever have towards me was poured out on His son, it causes me to question why it is that I still feel inadequate before the Lord?

It's not that I am in a bad place in my life. I am happy, things are better than they have been in a long time. I am in love. I have three incredible kids too but I struggle so deeply with the issue of intimacy with the Lord, with the church, and I don't want to water-coat how I feel or where I am at. Its a struggle, a real one, one that I have had to endure alone and will have to continue to figure out alone. I just cant take people telling me that I have to do this and that for me to feel what I desire because all I feel when I do those things is total devastation and abandonment. And that puts me in a far worse place than I was previously in.

I don't want to discredit what I am told, but it just doesn't work for me. I am of a different mold than most normal people, I have more issues in my heart, I struggle with trust more than most people because of the stuff I have had to endure in my life time. The words, "Just trust in the Lord Bill" is not enough for me. It just isn't.

I guess the bottom line is that I just feel so distant and desire to be more intimate with God yet I am so hurt by the church body and the lack of love I have experienced, I struggle with all the rejection I have encountered and it hurts deeply.

But all is not lost. I know God is good and that is not a cliche phrase either. I know that when all else fails, when Gods people fail me as they have, when I fail others, as I have, I still know that God is good and that He loves me. And hopefully one day all this will get sorted out.

Until then, I will just continue on as I am until I can get to that place that I desire, if its even possible.

Journal 3/6/10

I had a GREAT day with the kids. i took them to the forest and walked on some trails. It was a lot of fun.

Journal 3-5-10

Its Friday, I am looking forward to the weekend. I don't know why though, lol, its not like I will have a break, I still have to work, and be a parent, but at least i wont have to deal with school for 2 days. But things are good....i can't really complain.

Journal 2-23-10

As I sit here, I ponder the road that my life has taken me on. I never dreamed I would be where I am today. Its not bad, not at all, its just that I never could picture being in this place. I have conflicting emotions. I am happy, I really am, yet I still find that I miss so many of the old times, I miss the connections I had with people in the different stages in my life. I feel like I am so far from the person I once was, and again, that's not a bad thing, its just different.

I have more fear now than I have ever had in the past. I was more confident in the past where I just am not as confident. I mean, I and not so afraid and lacking confidence that I will hide in corner and weep in hysteria, but its just different.

I know its because I am in a new chapter in my life, and its a GREAT chapter, but the unknown is scary and it makes me miss the times when things were known by me, when i had confidence and when i was sure of my destiny.

Now most of what I do comes down to living by faith. And I am not even trying to be spiritual when I say that. I have to live by faith that becoming self employed will work out. I have to live by faith in so many areas of my life; with my kids and being a father, a student, a boyfriend, a band member. So much uncertainty, so many things on the horizon that can radically change my life and take it in a different direction. Its just a different place to be. i do look forward to it, but while I am in this uncertain state, i miss the certainty that I once felt I had.

All is well though. I am a happy person. I am blessed. I just have been contemplating things more and more the last few days. I want to be a person who is loved and who loves everyone I come into contact with. I hate failing at even the smallest things. I value the relationships that are in my life right now and I hope I never lose them.

So yeah, there you have it. These are my thoughts right now.

Journal 12/30/09

I am so blessed. I have my wonderful kids, my incredible band, and my girlfriend who all make me feel so loved. I am a blessed man.

journal 6/25/09

today is a better day.....

Journal 6-23-09

I can't seem to shake my feelings of dispair that i have been having since saturday. I am not sure why I am so depressed, if the knotts were not in my stomach then it would be bearable.

Please make the bad man go away....!!!