Sometimes it is so hard to breath as life chokes away and clouds my mind in despair. And as I try to focus through all the fog I lose my sense of purpose until I ponder upon You in all Your glory; for I know that your eyes of fire see right through me. And I feel so ashamed. I feel so disfigured and lost. If my life is to be pictured as a painting then I feel as if my colors are bleeding all over the place. I sometimes feel trapped as if I have locked myself in a room of walls colored in despair and hopelessness. These walls are too high and yet I have locked myself in from the inside.
As a boy I would hide from the eyes that would haunt me. I ran from the fire as it chased and burned away the very core of who I was. I ran and ran as I cowered in fear and shame from the enemy that wanted to kill me. My eyes were cut away in darkness and I was unable to see and feel that I was hungry; naked and hopeless. I was so lost. I ran on broken feet until I could no longer run from the pain swelling deep inside me. I was forced to crawl. I was a beggar as I pleaded for mercy on my face. I moved in fear and despair until I came to a place where I saw You on bended knee with Your arms open.
But I am not a boy now and yet I find myself in this isolated room of darkness as I tread the waters of fear. I cry out, “Take me from all that is wrong and evil in my life! Please collapse these walls that I have labored and strained to build! Woe is me for these walls haunt me! They taunt my soul and I cannot take anymore of this! Please let these tears of mine that flood this room collapse the very walls that have strangled this life of mine. These walls crush me and I can no longer contain myself.”
So I stumble through the darkness and as I swim in my tears. I struggle and gasp for air as the torrents flood and drench my tear stained face. It is in this place of utter misery and fear that I look and see a small light. And in my minds eye I can see that You are that light that is here with me. Your light shines in the midst of the misery that entails my soul. I am afflicted, I am torn, I am in a place of utter desolation and Your light is here shining upon the horizon of my life. So I start to follow Your light as I again swim. Oh how Your light shines. I frantically splash and strain as I move through the crashing waves to find a way out of this room that I have built and locked myself into.
I feel the power of darkness as it tries to overtake me. And though the mountains fall upon me yet I will trust in You. For who have I but You? The Lord is the light of my salvation and the strength of my life. Who shall I fear O Lord? Of whom shall I be afraid? You are my comfort and my sustainer. And in You alone do I trust, even when I feel as if I am alone, I will place my trust in You alone! Praise be to God the Father through the blood of His Son Jesus Christ that I am able to stand in the midst of darkness until His light shines through and delivers me yet again from the fear that grips my soul.
I love you Jesus.
Bill
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Update
I have been battling a cold/flu and I am totally wiped out. If you get a chance please pray for me....thanks.
Friday, March 23, 2007
Journal 3/23/07
Father,
You are the reason I live; I am so amazed at who you are and the destiny that I have because I am one of yours. You are the treasure that I seek; I seek you more than any precious ruby; for you are priceless. You are the song that I sing; you are the melody in my heart. You cause me to cry out in praise as I see you in your glory. You are the air that I breath and the water that I drink; you sustain my every fiber as you nourish my soul. May your will be done in me all the days of my life. May you freely reign in my heart mind and soul. You are my quest as I journey this life with you next to me. I look forward to the journey of life that you have taken me upon. What an adventure life is. You are the fire in my soul; you cleanse and wash and purify me. You are my consuming love and passion and I am grateful that you love me.. Please Lord rule over me and show me your ways as I lay myself at your alter of love.
I look forward to the marriage that will take place on that day when you come back for me. I can’t wait until you rapture me Jesus. I can’t wait to come back with you in your 2nd Coming. What a joy that will be when your bride returns with you as the future events unfold. I love you Jesus.
Bill
You are the reason I live; I am so amazed at who you are and the destiny that I have because I am one of yours. You are the treasure that I seek; I seek you more than any precious ruby; for you are priceless. You are the song that I sing; you are the melody in my heart. You cause me to cry out in praise as I see you in your glory. You are the air that I breath and the water that I drink; you sustain my every fiber as you nourish my soul. May your will be done in me all the days of my life. May you freely reign in my heart mind and soul. You are my quest as I journey this life with you next to me. I look forward to the journey of life that you have taken me upon. What an adventure life is. You are the fire in my soul; you cleanse and wash and purify me. You are my consuming love and passion and I am grateful that you love me.. Please Lord rule over me and show me your ways as I lay myself at your alter of love.
I look forward to the marriage that will take place on that day when you come back for me. I can’t wait until you rapture me Jesus. I can’t wait to come back with you in your 2nd Coming. What a joy that will be when your bride returns with you as the future events unfold. I love you Jesus.
Bill
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Journal 3/21/07 - Part 2
It has been said that man would climb the highest heights and walk the lowest depths for the sake of love. And as people romanticize about love they tend to believe that they would endure any hardship for the sake of love. But will man really journey through the darkest of times for love’s sake? Will a man press on day after day as he searches for his lost love with an unrelenting passion? Will the winds of life encourage the man to press on and to continue moving forward in the face of adversity? Or will the stress of this lost love consume the man to the point of utter exhaustion causing him to wither up and die like a leaf without water? Will he press on, endure and with all that is inside of him search frantically for that love that he so desperately needs? Or will he die a bitter lonely death as he rots from the inside out?
Will a man swim the seas searching for that which is merely intangible or will he search frantically for something that is so hard to obtain and keep in his possession? Love! What will mankind do for love?
We tend to believe in the idea that man is willing to do whatever it takes to be in the presence of the one they love. We believe that we as a fallen people are capable of loving in such a way that it drives us. Are we driven? Will we journey through seven hells just to be with the one we love?
How I long to be a man who is driven with a passion that consumes me from the inside out. How I long to pursue the one who loves me yet when I realize and see what my heart is capable of, I tend to think that there is not enough drive or passion in any man to faithfully seek the one whom they love. At best, we may move in that direction but no man is capable of loving in this way. It is not something that we can do in our fallen state.
Yet there is One who can and who has done this very thing. The Lover of my soul has endured! He has gone to the greatest depths and the harshest of storms for the sake of the love that consumed Him. His passion for me, took him on a journey that was filled with pain, grief, sorrow, despair, and hope.
For the hope set before Him he endured all things so that at last he could be with me. And I am absolutely blown away that I am the object of passion that would cause another to pursue me through all the storms. I am in awe that I would be the passion of someone who would leave the very gates of paradise to be with me. Why? I am not worthy of this sort of passion. Why would you lay your eyes upon me and pursue me?
When I look at the journey that was taken to reach me; I am moved in the very depths of my soul. You sought me! You pursued me! You love me! You love to be with me! You love to pour your heart out to me! You are consumed with thoughts of me!
I am utterly speechless and am overtaken with astonishment! And it is not that I am the greater person here. You are the King of kings and the Lord of lords. You are the Creator of all things and I am a mere peon in light of who you are. And though it should have been the other way around where I pursue you and journey in passion to find you, it was not that way. You sought me. You endured for me. You laid your eyes upon me and never lost focus, you never lost heart; you never gave up.
So I stand here now, completely undone in the presence of the King of kings. I am not worthy Jesus. I am not worthy to be loved in the manner in which you love me. I am not worthy!!!! You are worthy! You deserve my passion and love and yet its flipped around. You offer me salvation; you freely offer me freedom from my bonds and I accept. I want to be free. Your love towards me compels me to seek your face. I am Your beloved and you love me as I am…..Whoa!
Thank you for loving me. Thank you for searching me out and thank you for finding me and freeing me. There is no other place that I would rather be than with you. And yet I hear the words so clearly from your lips that there is no other place that you would rather be than with me. I don’t know what to say to that! My mouth simply drops in totally amazement and gratefulness. Thank you my Lord for leaving glory and your throne and your heavenly place and seeking me out until you found me, healed me, cleaned me and I look forward to you bringing me with you back into your heavenly kingdom.
I love you Jesus but more importantly, you love me!
Bill
Will a man swim the seas searching for that which is merely intangible or will he search frantically for something that is so hard to obtain and keep in his possession? Love! What will mankind do for love?
We tend to believe in the idea that man is willing to do whatever it takes to be in the presence of the one they love. We believe that we as a fallen people are capable of loving in such a way that it drives us. Are we driven? Will we journey through seven hells just to be with the one we love?
How I long to be a man who is driven with a passion that consumes me from the inside out. How I long to pursue the one who loves me yet when I realize and see what my heart is capable of, I tend to think that there is not enough drive or passion in any man to faithfully seek the one whom they love. At best, we may move in that direction but no man is capable of loving in this way. It is not something that we can do in our fallen state.
Yet there is One who can and who has done this very thing. The Lover of my soul has endured! He has gone to the greatest depths and the harshest of storms for the sake of the love that consumed Him. His passion for me, took him on a journey that was filled with pain, grief, sorrow, despair, and hope.
For the hope set before Him he endured all things so that at last he could be with me. And I am absolutely blown away that I am the object of passion that would cause another to pursue me through all the storms. I am in awe that I would be the passion of someone who would leave the very gates of paradise to be with me. Why? I am not worthy of this sort of passion. Why would you lay your eyes upon me and pursue me?
When I look at the journey that was taken to reach me; I am moved in the very depths of my soul. You sought me! You pursued me! You love me! You love to be with me! You love to pour your heart out to me! You are consumed with thoughts of me!
I am utterly speechless and am overtaken with astonishment! And it is not that I am the greater person here. You are the King of kings and the Lord of lords. You are the Creator of all things and I am a mere peon in light of who you are. And though it should have been the other way around where I pursue you and journey in passion to find you, it was not that way. You sought me. You endured for me. You laid your eyes upon me and never lost focus, you never lost heart; you never gave up.
So I stand here now, completely undone in the presence of the King of kings. I am not worthy Jesus. I am not worthy to be loved in the manner in which you love me. I am not worthy!!!! You are worthy! You deserve my passion and love and yet its flipped around. You offer me salvation; you freely offer me freedom from my bonds and I accept. I want to be free. Your love towards me compels me to seek your face. I am Your beloved and you love me as I am…..Whoa!
Thank you for loving me. Thank you for searching me out and thank you for finding me and freeing me. There is no other place that I would rather be than with you. And yet I hear the words so clearly from your lips that there is no other place that you would rather be than with me. I don’t know what to say to that! My mouth simply drops in totally amazement and gratefulness. Thank you my Lord for leaving glory and your throne and your heavenly place and seeking me out until you found me, healed me, cleaned me and I look forward to you bringing me with you back into your heavenly kingdom.
I love you Jesus but more importantly, you love me!
Bill
Journal 3/21/07
Father,
My heart is so hardened and numb to sin. I tend to drink it up and I hate the fact that I do so. Please teach me to number my days Lord. If I but would number my days I would have more incentive in my mind to do what I know is right and to not continue indulging in the flesh. I hate indulging in the flesh. I hate the fact that I love sin. I wish I had your heart towards sin. I wish I were appalled by it as I know I ought to be. Yet time and time again I drink it like water. And when I come to my senses I see how deceived I have been. I need your help Jesus as I live day by day and moment by moment in surrendering myself to you.
At least that is what I need to do. I need to live every moment in utter surrender. The English language is an interesting language. The word obedience has nine letters in it. If I truly want to surrender my life to Jesus then I need to place my self right in the center of obedience with the Lord. If you take the word obedience and use the center of the word obe-DIE-nce, then that is what I have to do. I have to die. In order to surrender fully to the Lord I need to die. I need to crucify my flesh and feed the Spirit that is in me.
Jesus, help me to surrender my will, my heart, my desires to you fully. Help me to die so that you might live in me. I am so frustrated with who I am apart from you. I am an utter disaster and mess.
Yet you love me and because of the work that you did when you placed yourself on the cross to take the wrath of God and the sin of man, I am able to come to you and to be cleansed. Please clean me Jesus in a practical way. Please help me to walk consistently in the ways of righteousness. Help my day to day life match my positional life in you. You have declared me clean; please help my actions to declare that louder than it has.
I worship you Jesus because you are worthy to be exalted. Thank you for loving a wretch like me.
To run and work the law commands
Yet gives me neither feet nor hands
But better news the gospel brings
It bids me fly and gives me wings!
My heart is so hardened and numb to sin. I tend to drink it up and I hate the fact that I do so. Please teach me to number my days Lord. If I but would number my days I would have more incentive in my mind to do what I know is right and to not continue indulging in the flesh. I hate indulging in the flesh. I hate the fact that I love sin. I wish I had your heart towards sin. I wish I were appalled by it as I know I ought to be. Yet time and time again I drink it like water. And when I come to my senses I see how deceived I have been. I need your help Jesus as I live day by day and moment by moment in surrendering myself to you.
At least that is what I need to do. I need to live every moment in utter surrender. The English language is an interesting language. The word obedience has nine letters in it. If I truly want to surrender my life to Jesus then I need to place my self right in the center of obedience with the Lord. If you take the word obedience and use the center of the word obe-DIE-nce, then that is what I have to do. I have to die. In order to surrender fully to the Lord I need to die. I need to crucify my flesh and feed the Spirit that is in me.
Jesus, help me to surrender my will, my heart, my desires to you fully. Help me to die so that you might live in me. I am so frustrated with who I am apart from you. I am an utter disaster and mess.
Yet you love me and because of the work that you did when you placed yourself on the cross to take the wrath of God and the sin of man, I am able to come to you and to be cleansed. Please clean me Jesus in a practical way. Please help me to walk consistently in the ways of righteousness. Help my day to day life match my positional life in you. You have declared me clean; please help my actions to declare that louder than it has.
I worship you Jesus because you are worthy to be exalted. Thank you for loving a wretch like me.
To run and work the law commands
Yet gives me neither feet nor hands
But better news the gospel brings
It bids me fly and gives me wings!
Monday, March 19, 2007
Journal 3/19/07
So today is my brother's birthday. How I wish he would return to the Lord that is if he ever turned to the Lord in the 1st place. For the next three days he and I will both be the same age and then I will add another number to my age and be the older brother again.
It is so amazing as I am able to look at those closest to me; those I grew up with and I am able to see the results of the choices they have made. So often sin entices me and as I feel almost obligated to give into the compulsion of my flesh. In those times when I look at the results of bad decisions or sinful behavior by those closest to me (not just my brother), it really sobers me up and the Lord uses this to show me the results of a sinful life. And when I muse upon these things in sobriety of thought; when I simply contemplate this, I am able to see the deceitfulness of sin and the net that it really is.
How I hate sin, yet time and time again, my flesh entices me to partake and taste of the vomit. And sin truly is vomit. Why is it that I can get so deceived at times and think that vomit will actually taste good? Vomit never tastes good...ever!
And I am so grateful that the Lord has blessed us with repentance. We are now able to fully repent because of the work that He did on the cross. Before I was saved, I was unable to repent, my appetite for sin was too great and if I stopped feeding my flesh in one area of my life I had to then over feed it in another area.
But it is not like that now. Though I am constantly deceived by the wickedness of my own heart, I have found the greatest food supply of all time. I can feast on real food and I never have to return to the vomit of sin. I have been (past tense according to Romans 6) delivered from my sins and I am free now. All because of what the Lord did for me on the cross. Thank you Jesus for loving me and for cleansing me. Thank you that you are able to satisfy my appetite and thirst with your living water. I will never thirst again when I feed off your word. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Bill
It is so amazing as I am able to look at those closest to me; those I grew up with and I am able to see the results of the choices they have made. So often sin entices me and as I feel almost obligated to give into the compulsion of my flesh. In those times when I look at the results of bad decisions or sinful behavior by those closest to me (not just my brother), it really sobers me up and the Lord uses this to show me the results of a sinful life. And when I muse upon these things in sobriety of thought; when I simply contemplate this, I am able to see the deceitfulness of sin and the net that it really is.
How I hate sin, yet time and time again, my flesh entices me to partake and taste of the vomit. And sin truly is vomit. Why is it that I can get so deceived at times and think that vomit will actually taste good? Vomit never tastes good...ever!
And I am so grateful that the Lord has blessed us with repentance. We are now able to fully repent because of the work that He did on the cross. Before I was saved, I was unable to repent, my appetite for sin was too great and if I stopped feeding my flesh in one area of my life I had to then over feed it in another area.
But it is not like that now. Though I am constantly deceived by the wickedness of my own heart, I have found the greatest food supply of all time. I can feast on real food and I never have to return to the vomit of sin. I have been (past tense according to Romans 6) delivered from my sins and I am free now. All because of what the Lord did for me on the cross. Thank you Jesus for loving me and for cleansing me. Thank you that you are able to satisfy my appetite and thirst with your living water. I will never thirst again when I feed off your word. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Bill
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Journal 3/15/07
Come quickly Lord Jesus. Please come for me. Please take me away to be with you. How I need to be with you so desperately these days. You sustain me and I desire more and more of you. How much longer will I need to endure in this body of flesh Lord? I want more than a taste of you; I desire to see you in your fullness and in your glory.
Please lead me and sanctify me. I am so unclean when I am not in your presence and I desire your presence more than anything else in life. I hunger to be at the throne room there in heaven where true worship is happening. I thirst for you Jesus! I pant as I desperately long to be near you, to be touched by you. I love you and you love me. How much longer Jesus until you come for your bride? We desire you.
This world is so dark and depraved. It is full of deception and this world tends to deceive me more and more. My flesh deceives me. I deceive myself and I am tired of going back and forth.
Please save my kids Jesus. Please save Ronnie, Billy, Tobias and Mercy. Please let them have a taste of your glory and let them see how good you really are. Please show them their sin and teach them your ways Lord. Please wash and purify them and cause them to desire holiness. Please speak to them Lord and show them their purpose. Please redeem them as you have redeemed me from the ashes of my sin.
Please draw near to them. Let their prayers be filled with praising you. Please let them hear and see and feel how close you are to them. Please do a work in their life Lord.
You are such a good Father and wonderful, merciful friend. You love me because you love me and when the clouds cover me, you are there as my shelter. Every storm I come across you are always there catching my tears as you cradle me under your wings. You alone cause me to turn from weeping and wailing as your love for me causes me to dance and sing. I WORSHIP YOU JESUS! The Rock of my Salvation, You ROCK!!!
And when my eyes shed tears like a sudden flood it is at those times that I know you are holding me close to you. I know there are times and seasons and in all the different times and seasons that I experience I can see you there with me. When I am broken or proud, when I am walking in holiness or blatant rebellion and sin, you are there with me. And I thank you for that. Thank you for not leaving me when I stumble and fall flat on my face. Thank you for picking up the pieces in my life.
You declared in Romans 5:20 that where sin abounds grace abound much more. Thank you that there is always enough grace to cover any sin I do. And I thank you that grace is not a license to sin, but it is a license FROM sin. I am free because of the work that you did on the cross. You have delivered me and I am free now. Thank you. I praise your name because you are wonderful and powerful and you love me more than with just words but you demonstrated how much you loved me when you willingly laid down your life as a ransom for mine. THANK YOU JESUS!!!!
I love you…..
Bill Scott, Sr.
Please lead me and sanctify me. I am so unclean when I am not in your presence and I desire your presence more than anything else in life. I hunger to be at the throne room there in heaven where true worship is happening. I thirst for you Jesus! I pant as I desperately long to be near you, to be touched by you. I love you and you love me. How much longer Jesus until you come for your bride? We desire you.
This world is so dark and depraved. It is full of deception and this world tends to deceive me more and more. My flesh deceives me. I deceive myself and I am tired of going back and forth.
Please save my kids Jesus. Please save Ronnie, Billy, Tobias and Mercy. Please let them have a taste of your glory and let them see how good you really are. Please show them their sin and teach them your ways Lord. Please wash and purify them and cause them to desire holiness. Please speak to them Lord and show them their purpose. Please redeem them as you have redeemed me from the ashes of my sin.
Please draw near to them. Let their prayers be filled with praising you. Please let them hear and see and feel how close you are to them. Please do a work in their life Lord.
You are such a good Father and wonderful, merciful friend. You love me because you love me and when the clouds cover me, you are there as my shelter. Every storm I come across you are always there catching my tears as you cradle me under your wings. You alone cause me to turn from weeping and wailing as your love for me causes me to dance and sing. I WORSHIP YOU JESUS! The Rock of my Salvation, You ROCK!!!
And when my eyes shed tears like a sudden flood it is at those times that I know you are holding me close to you. I know there are times and seasons and in all the different times and seasons that I experience I can see you there with me. When I am broken or proud, when I am walking in holiness or blatant rebellion and sin, you are there with me. And I thank you for that. Thank you for not leaving me when I stumble and fall flat on my face. Thank you for picking up the pieces in my life.
You declared in Romans 5:20 that where sin abounds grace abound much more. Thank you that there is always enough grace to cover any sin I do. And I thank you that grace is not a license to sin, but it is a license FROM sin. I am free because of the work that you did on the cross. You have delivered me and I am free now. Thank you. I praise your name because you are wonderful and powerful and you love me more than with just words but you demonstrated how much you loved me when you willingly laid down your life as a ransom for mine. THANK YOU JESUS!!!!
I love you…..
Bill Scott, Sr.
Friday, March 09, 2007
Journal 3/9/07
So a friend of mine called me just now and gave me a scripture that he was reading. He said when he read it he thought of me and I will tell you what, I am so blessed that he called me and shared this with me. This is what body life is about. God is so good and the scripture that my friend shared with me has been my heart.
Psalm 34:8 - Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good; Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!
How I long to taste and see the Lord as he moves in the church once again. I had a glimpse of this when I was in California through my church Calvary Chapel Saving Grace. The Spirit of God was moving. You could truly taste and see the Lord in the midst of the church as His life just flowed from the alter. And my desire has been to see the Lord duplicate that work here in Portland. And by faith I trust that the Lord will do this…..it really excites me.
So to my friend who shared this scripture with me, thank you. You have no idea how that ministered to me just now. Just wait because we are going to see the Spirit of God move in power though his church here in Portland and we will be able to taste and see that the Lord Jesus is good.
Psalm 34:8 - Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good; Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!
How I long to taste and see the Lord as he moves in the church once again. I had a glimpse of this when I was in California through my church Calvary Chapel Saving Grace. The Spirit of God was moving. You could truly taste and see the Lord in the midst of the church as His life just flowed from the alter. And my desire has been to see the Lord duplicate that work here in Portland. And by faith I trust that the Lord will do this…..it really excites me.
So to my friend who shared this scripture with me, thank you. You have no idea how that ministered to me just now. Just wait because we are going to see the Spirit of God move in power though his church here in Portland and we will be able to taste and see that the Lord Jesus is good.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Journal 3/8/07
The time has come for us to stand up for what we believe in. It is high time to give the Lord praise in all that we do because he gave himself for us. He is so worthy to be exalted by our hands. He is worthy to be magnified and adored because he is our faithful redeemer.
I live for you Jesus and I refuse to be ashamed of you. In my life, it is you above all else as my purpose is to lose myself in bringing you praise. Increase in me as I fade in the background of your reflection. I give all I am to seek your face because all I am is yours. You deserve nothing less than my all because you gave your all to redeem me. I praise your name Jesus.
Oh Jesus of Nazareth, King of kings and Lord of lords, I worship you and exalt you because you are my Savior and my God. I praise you Jesus. Today I live to worship you in everything that I do. Use me for your glory Jesus.
I love you Jesus Christ!
Bill
I live for you Jesus and I refuse to be ashamed of you. In my life, it is you above all else as my purpose is to lose myself in bringing you praise. Increase in me as I fade in the background of your reflection. I give all I am to seek your face because all I am is yours. You deserve nothing less than my all because you gave your all to redeem me. I praise your name Jesus.
Oh Jesus of Nazareth, King of kings and Lord of lords, I worship you and exalt you because you are my Savior and my God. I praise you Jesus. Today I live to worship you in everything that I do. Use me for your glory Jesus.
I love you Jesus Christ!
Bill
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Journal 3/7/07
Father,
I want my life to be lived in a way that it is all or nothing. I stand in awe in the fact that you gave up everything for me. I desire to give you my all. Because the reality is that all I am; is yours. All that I desire is simply you alone. There is nothing else that I want but you Jesus. You are what I desire and crave. You are my hope and my passion. All that I live for is the hope of experiencing all that you are. I hunger and thirst for you. In everything that I do I want to praise and exalt you! Please consume me and help me to love you on the inside. Help me to love your righteousness and justice from the depths of my being. I want to bring you praise Jesus. I want you to receive passion and praise from the depths of who I am. And I want my soul to be lit on fire with passion for your name.
I want to be where you are Jesus. I desperately seek your Spirit to fall upon Portland and upon the youth here. I desire to see you lifted high. Oh you are so worthy to be praised and magnified for you are holy and you love me. Whenever I call upon your name you hear and come to my rescue. Please pour out your spirits fire upon the city of Portland. Please move amongst your church here and light the church on fire with passion, revival and integrity. Please move your people to seek your face. Use me as a tool in the Masters hands to do your will.
What can I say? What can I really say or do but offer this heart of mine to you Jesus. I offer myself completely and wholly to you. I desire to lose myself in your grace. I want to disappear in your presence as you shine and reflect through me. I pray that your light would shine in the darkness when all other lights are fading. I desire to give all that I am when I seek your face. You are my God of mercy and compassion and you care for me.
My hands belong to you Jesus; please teach them to serve you fully. Help me to place my hand to the plow and sow for your namesake; for your kingdom. Help me to run this race with endurance as I am on this journey. I know that I will never be the same because you live in me. And I am ever so grateful that you sought me out and enabled me to seek your face. I am yours Jesus. You may do with me as you wish. I desire to be led by your Spirit as you move in my midst. I desire to be with you every moment of every day and I seek you to reign through my life.
You are everything I dreamed you would be and then some. You have captured my heart and I am in love with you Jesus. When I fail, your grace restores me. Will I continue to fail? I pray that would not be the case.
Lord, you know that in my passion for you that I can come off abrasive and I ask for your forgiveness. I thank you for the leadership that you have placed in my life; your wonderful church. I am so blessed to serve you under the leadership that you have established.
I pray that you would give the pastors and the teachers here in Portland vision. Give your bride a vision to reach the lost through the power of your spirit. Oh you love us so much and you desire to bring the people of Portland into that place where they can hear your voice and receive your salvation. So please stir up your people to pray and to stand in the gap for the people of this city and state. Thank you Jesus for loving us the way that you do. You never cease to amaze me.
I love you….
Bill
I want my life to be lived in a way that it is all or nothing. I stand in awe in the fact that you gave up everything for me. I desire to give you my all. Because the reality is that all I am; is yours. All that I desire is simply you alone. There is nothing else that I want but you Jesus. You are what I desire and crave. You are my hope and my passion. All that I live for is the hope of experiencing all that you are. I hunger and thirst for you. In everything that I do I want to praise and exalt you! Please consume me and help me to love you on the inside. Help me to love your righteousness and justice from the depths of my being. I want to bring you praise Jesus. I want you to receive passion and praise from the depths of who I am. And I want my soul to be lit on fire with passion for your name.
I want to be where you are Jesus. I desperately seek your Spirit to fall upon Portland and upon the youth here. I desire to see you lifted high. Oh you are so worthy to be praised and magnified for you are holy and you love me. Whenever I call upon your name you hear and come to my rescue. Please pour out your spirits fire upon the city of Portland. Please move amongst your church here and light the church on fire with passion, revival and integrity. Please move your people to seek your face. Use me as a tool in the Masters hands to do your will.
What can I say? What can I really say or do but offer this heart of mine to you Jesus. I offer myself completely and wholly to you. I desire to lose myself in your grace. I want to disappear in your presence as you shine and reflect through me. I pray that your light would shine in the darkness when all other lights are fading. I desire to give all that I am when I seek your face. You are my God of mercy and compassion and you care for me.
My hands belong to you Jesus; please teach them to serve you fully. Help me to place my hand to the plow and sow for your namesake; for your kingdom. Help me to run this race with endurance as I am on this journey. I know that I will never be the same because you live in me. And I am ever so grateful that you sought me out and enabled me to seek your face. I am yours Jesus. You may do with me as you wish. I desire to be led by your Spirit as you move in my midst. I desire to be with you every moment of every day and I seek you to reign through my life.
You are everything I dreamed you would be and then some. You have captured my heart and I am in love with you Jesus. When I fail, your grace restores me. Will I continue to fail? I pray that would not be the case.
Lord, you know that in my passion for you that I can come off abrasive and I ask for your forgiveness. I thank you for the leadership that you have placed in my life; your wonderful church. I am so blessed to serve you under the leadership that you have established.
I pray that you would give the pastors and the teachers here in Portland vision. Give your bride a vision to reach the lost through the power of your spirit. Oh you love us so much and you desire to bring the people of Portland into that place where they can hear your voice and receive your salvation. So please stir up your people to pray and to stand in the gap for the people of this city and state. Thank you Jesus for loving us the way that you do. You never cease to amaze me.
I love you….
Bill
Thursday, March 01, 2007
March of Dimes
My wife and I are getting involved in the March of dimes this year. Here is the link to all the information on how someone can support if they choose to and also there is another link with our story.
http://www.walkamerica.org/personal_page.asp?w=700715
Every year, half a million babies in the U.S. are born prematurely. Premature birth is the leading cause of newborn death and many life long disabilities. The funds we raise in WalkAmerica support research that saves babies' lives. Most of you who know me, know my story. My son, Tobias is a living, walking, breathing miracle. You can read more about it when clicking to read his story below.I hope and pray that you are able to commit to helping support the research on preventing premature births. Sparing the sorrow that I know, all too well.
Our mission is to improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth, and infant mortality.
Please visit my wife’s blog on Share Your Storywww.jessicascott00.blogspot.com/2007/02/miracle-that-is-my-son.html
http://www.walkamerica.org/personal_page.asp?w=700715
Every year, half a million babies in the U.S. are born prematurely. Premature birth is the leading cause of newborn death and many life long disabilities. The funds we raise in WalkAmerica support research that saves babies' lives. Most of you who know me, know my story. My son, Tobias is a living, walking, breathing miracle. You can read more about it when clicking to read his story below.I hope and pray that you are able to commit to helping support the research on preventing premature births. Sparing the sorrow that I know, all too well.
Our mission is to improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth, and infant mortality.
Please visit my wife’s blog on Share Your Storywww.jessicascott00.blogspot.com/2007/02/miracle-that-is-my-son.html
Journal 3/1/07
So today I fly out to California with my daughter as we head to my grandmothers funeral. I have written the Eulogy and pray that God would be glorified in the midst of our mourning. God is good and I am thankful that he has put all the pieces together for this memorial.
Thank you everyone for your prayers. I am so grateful for your support.
Bill
Thank you everyone for your prayers. I am so grateful for your support.
Bill
Monday, February 26, 2007
Journal 2/26/07
I praise You for Your glory! For You are Glorious and worthy of my Praise. You call me to abide in You. You desire fellowship with me as You alone are the Holy One. I praise You for Your glory. I desire to experience you, not in just an emotional way but I desire to encounter You. I want to encounter You. By Your Spirit You prompt me to respond to You. I desire to respond to You and Your Spirit’s prompting as You reveal Yourself to me. I want to respond to who You really are as I lay aside myself and exalt You the Heavenly King.
Please come and lift the burden from my heart as David cried out in Psalm 3:3, “But You, O Lord, are a shield for me, My glory and the One who lifts up my head.” You are the lifter of my soul. I want You to take my hand and lift me up so that I can see Your glory.
To be Honest Lord, I miss those times with You that I had experienced in the past. I want to return to that special place and yet I am so unwilling at the same time. It isn’t that I am afraid of You or afraid of what You desire to do in my life, I really don’t know what it is that keeps me from where You want me to go and really where I desire to go as well.
I struggle with not having a best friend here in Oregon who is sold out to you. I miss the fellowship of being around someone like Craig or EZ. I miss being around those who are totally sold out to You and love their brothers and sisters in the Lord. It sucks not having someone who I can talk to about stuff that is on my heart. It sucks not having a male friend who I can share the good stuff and the bad stuff that is going on in my life. I miss relationships that have depth. I long for those again. I miss hanging out with the pastors who love you and are truly sincere and really care about you and others.
I feel so alone. I know I have my wife and she is a wonderful blessing. But I miss having friends. And yet I have no friends here in Oregon….I have many acquaintances, but no friends who call just to say hi. No one calls to see how I am doing, and that is ok, but it is so hard at times. The high school kids call and they are a blessing too, but I can’t pour out my heart to them as I could an adult male my age. I miss having a solid Christian in my life.
I want to please Your heart. I want this to be my desire and goal in life. I am called to love and adore You and I desire that. I want to bring my all to You in worship as I lay all that I am at Your feet. You are so desirable Jesus. I thank You for Your glory. I am grateful that You are worthy of worship. Please wash me of this world and wash me of my flesh and draw me near to You. Help me to see You for who You are as I thank You for the privilege of worship.
You are my Hope and I am utterly lost without You. I do not even know which way is up when you are not leading and guiding my steps. This world comes and crashed down upon me and yet You made me and I will not be shaken. Though I am broken into a million pieces I will yet trust you my Lord. I do trust in You. I really do. You are trustworthy. You have called me Your friend and You do satisfy me when all others fail. I fail, and they fail, yet You never fail me. And I am called Your friend if I keep Your commandments. Help me to keep Your commandments because I have not done a very good job at keeping them.
Death sucks Lord. It really sucks. Sin sucks, Chaos, uncleanness, depravity, all these things are so hard. I just don’t understand these things. Your eyes of fire look into the depths of my soul and you see me in this depravity and yet you say that you love me and you desire me. Why? WHY? WHY? Why do you desire me?
I miss You. I really miss you Jesus. I need Your love like the trees need the rain. I am like a man dying in the deserts and you are the spring of Life. You refresh me though I suffer through the garbage of the wilderness. Yet I thank you for the things that You have done for me. You have given me new life. You died and rose and gave Your life in a sacrificial way so that I could have life. Thank you. Thank you for being You. I love the way You are. You are so perfect and holy and You really do care about me. You care about my struggles and the sin I get entangled in. You really care and this causes me to thank you. You truly have laid down your life for me.
So I give you my heart so that you can free it from the chains of depravity that lay hold of it. I want to honor You with every part of my life as I cry out, “Woe is me!” I want to see You move and hear You speak. I don’t want You to remove the power of the Spirit in the life of the church. Without Your Spirit moving and direct me and us, we are doomed. I want to know you. I want to know your friendship and your fear.
I was totally destitute until you found me. And I remember the stuff that you delivered me from. I remember when I had no hope. And you delivered me. You are worth more than I could ever find in this world. Help me to take the salvation that you have offered and given to me with sobriety and seriousness as it springs up living water in my life. Help me to trust you as I partake in suffering. Help me never to partake in sin as I suffer so that suffering can have it’s perfect work in my life. Help me to place my hand on the plow and never look back. How I am so desperate and lifeless when you are not my all-in-all. So please hear my heart and please be there for me.
On the merits of Jesus and in His name I come to You my Holy Father. Help me to come boldly into Your throne room and into Your presence.
Amen
Please come and lift the burden from my heart as David cried out in Psalm 3:3, “But You, O Lord, are a shield for me, My glory and the One who lifts up my head.” You are the lifter of my soul. I want You to take my hand and lift me up so that I can see Your glory.
To be Honest Lord, I miss those times with You that I had experienced in the past. I want to return to that special place and yet I am so unwilling at the same time. It isn’t that I am afraid of You or afraid of what You desire to do in my life, I really don’t know what it is that keeps me from where You want me to go and really where I desire to go as well.
I struggle with not having a best friend here in Oregon who is sold out to you. I miss the fellowship of being around someone like Craig or EZ. I miss being around those who are totally sold out to You and love their brothers and sisters in the Lord. It sucks not having someone who I can talk to about stuff that is on my heart. It sucks not having a male friend who I can share the good stuff and the bad stuff that is going on in my life. I miss relationships that have depth. I long for those again. I miss hanging out with the pastors who love you and are truly sincere and really care about you and others.
I feel so alone. I know I have my wife and she is a wonderful blessing. But I miss having friends. And yet I have no friends here in Oregon….I have many acquaintances, but no friends who call just to say hi. No one calls to see how I am doing, and that is ok, but it is so hard at times. The high school kids call and they are a blessing too, but I can’t pour out my heart to them as I could an adult male my age. I miss having a solid Christian in my life.
I want to please Your heart. I want this to be my desire and goal in life. I am called to love and adore You and I desire that. I want to bring my all to You in worship as I lay all that I am at Your feet. You are so desirable Jesus. I thank You for Your glory. I am grateful that You are worthy of worship. Please wash me of this world and wash me of my flesh and draw me near to You. Help me to see You for who You are as I thank You for the privilege of worship.
You are my Hope and I am utterly lost without You. I do not even know which way is up when you are not leading and guiding my steps. This world comes and crashed down upon me and yet You made me and I will not be shaken. Though I am broken into a million pieces I will yet trust you my Lord. I do trust in You. I really do. You are trustworthy. You have called me Your friend and You do satisfy me when all others fail. I fail, and they fail, yet You never fail me. And I am called Your friend if I keep Your commandments. Help me to keep Your commandments because I have not done a very good job at keeping them.
Death sucks Lord. It really sucks. Sin sucks, Chaos, uncleanness, depravity, all these things are so hard. I just don’t understand these things. Your eyes of fire look into the depths of my soul and you see me in this depravity and yet you say that you love me and you desire me. Why? WHY? WHY? Why do you desire me?
I miss You. I really miss you Jesus. I need Your love like the trees need the rain. I am like a man dying in the deserts and you are the spring of Life. You refresh me though I suffer through the garbage of the wilderness. Yet I thank you for the things that You have done for me. You have given me new life. You died and rose and gave Your life in a sacrificial way so that I could have life. Thank you. Thank you for being You. I love the way You are. You are so perfect and holy and You really do care about me. You care about my struggles and the sin I get entangled in. You really care and this causes me to thank you. You truly have laid down your life for me.
So I give you my heart so that you can free it from the chains of depravity that lay hold of it. I want to honor You with every part of my life as I cry out, “Woe is me!” I want to see You move and hear You speak. I don’t want You to remove the power of the Spirit in the life of the church. Without Your Spirit moving and direct me and us, we are doomed. I want to know you. I want to know your friendship and your fear.
I was totally destitute until you found me. And I remember the stuff that you delivered me from. I remember when I had no hope. And you delivered me. You are worth more than I could ever find in this world. Help me to take the salvation that you have offered and given to me with sobriety and seriousness as it springs up living water in my life. Help me to trust you as I partake in suffering. Help me never to partake in sin as I suffer so that suffering can have it’s perfect work in my life. Help me to place my hand on the plow and never look back. How I am so desperate and lifeless when you are not my all-in-all. So please hear my heart and please be there for me.
On the merits of Jesus and in His name I come to You my Holy Father. Help me to come boldly into Your throne room and into Your presence.
Amen
Journal 2/26/07
So my grandmother on my dad’s side passed away last night. What a bummer. My dad is dead and has been dead for 32 years, his mom is now dead as well, and my grandfather on that side is dead and has been for a long time. One thing that is sure in life is the idea that there really is no life. We are all going to die. Death is imminent. The sad thing is when life is offered and it is rejected and looked down upon. The sad thing is when we trust in our own goodness to attain the life that we do not have.
How sad! How bitterly sad!
Life is available from God himself through Jesus his son and yet more people reject this than those who embrace this. What a horrible reality that will be embraced when life, true spiritual life is rejected. My heart is broken.
Father,
I am sad and need your love as I feel like such a failure and my heart is broken. Who am I kidding these days….am I even a Christian Lord? I am so messed up inside. I am absolutely depraved and messed up and I can’t figure out what to do. I am tired of living in Romans chapter seven. I want to get to chapter eight. I love you though the actions in my heart deny that truth. I feel as if I have no feelings or emotions. I feel as if I am so hard hearted. Why won’t I weep over sin, death, and the ugliness of this world? Why do I constantly embrace the vomit and swim in it? My heart is sad Lord.
Bill
How sad! How bitterly sad!
Life is available from God himself through Jesus his son and yet more people reject this than those who embrace this. What a horrible reality that will be embraced when life, true spiritual life is rejected. My heart is broken.
Father,
I am sad and need your love as I feel like such a failure and my heart is broken. Who am I kidding these days….am I even a Christian Lord? I am so messed up inside. I am absolutely depraved and messed up and I can’t figure out what to do. I am tired of living in Romans chapter seven. I want to get to chapter eight. I love you though the actions in my heart deny that truth. I feel as if I have no feelings or emotions. I feel as if I am so hard hearted. Why won’t I weep over sin, death, and the ugliness of this world? Why do I constantly embrace the vomit and swim in it? My heart is sad Lord.
Bill
Friday, February 16, 2007
Journal 2/16/07
I suck at being a Christian. I am nothing like Jesus and I am so tired of falling short in everything that I do. I HATE and ABHOR my flesh as it deceives me daily. I feel as if I am on the losing side of the battle when it comes to crucifying my flesh. I want it to die. MY FLESH NEEDS TO DIE!!!!
It is frustrating being a sinner. And yet I am a wretched sinner.
Do you know what this does? It causes me to HUNGER and THIRST for the glorified body that has been promised to me by my Savior. Jesus, I look forward to your promises. How I desperately need the glorified body and to be fully redeemed. I look forward to that day more now than ever as the vomit of this world and the evilness of my flesh weigh me down. Help me to walk in righteousness and to love those who appear to be unlovable.
I know you love me and I know that I am on the winning side, but this battle is a tough one. And I get so angry and flustered. I hate having to fight with my flesh on a regular basis as it is so much easier to give in and let my flesh reign as a king. But my flesh is not the king, you are Jesus. So please reign as a king in me…..
It is frustrating being a sinner. And yet I am a wretched sinner.
Do you know what this does? It causes me to HUNGER and THIRST for the glorified body that has been promised to me by my Savior. Jesus, I look forward to your promises. How I desperately need the glorified body and to be fully redeemed. I look forward to that day more now than ever as the vomit of this world and the evilness of my flesh weigh me down. Help me to walk in righteousness and to love those who appear to be unlovable.
I know you love me and I know that I am on the winning side, but this battle is a tough one. And I get so angry and flustered. I hate having to fight with my flesh on a regular basis as it is so much easier to give in and let my flesh reign as a king. But my flesh is not the king, you are Jesus. So please reign as a king in me…..
Friday, February 09, 2007
Journal 2/9/07
Lord,
You know my heart and my desires. You know where I struggle and how ministry for me is so hard at times. You know the secret things in my heart that I will never tell. You know them, you know me. And though I may be inexperienced in life and ministry, I see and understand that those times when we stray, things really get out of hand. I want to be true to you. I am afraid to promise you anything because I know who I am. I know that I am a joke and have no idea what the Christian life is about most of the time. I have no clue how to minister. Teaching is the easy part; all the other stuff is so complicated. Yet you compel me to minister as I hear you call out my name. And you desire me to be pure, clean and holy in your sight. So Lord, help me to live my life in purity as unto you. Help me to live this life filled with your wonderful Spirit. I look forward to and can’t wait for the day when I hear you say, “Welcome Home My Child!”
Until then O Lord, I will be content with the life that you have blessed me with; knowing that what is to come is so much greater than what is. I have seen the suffering that loneliness can cause. So I choose to give my love away to you so that you can fill me in the depths of my heart. I seek your wisdom and counsel as I have none. And you have said Lord that if I ask you for wisdom, then you would supply it. Help me to sort out ministry Jesus. What is your heart and what is it that you desire for me to do? Please give me clarity. Please give me insight. Please shine through me. I am so tired of being a man who is so worldly and ungodly. I am so tired of shining my own vomit instead of your glory and I don’t know which way is up anymore. So please lead me as I try to live out your will in my life. Lead me Jesus.
On the merits of Jesus I ask these things….Amen.
You know my heart and my desires. You know where I struggle and how ministry for me is so hard at times. You know the secret things in my heart that I will never tell. You know them, you know me. And though I may be inexperienced in life and ministry, I see and understand that those times when we stray, things really get out of hand. I want to be true to you. I am afraid to promise you anything because I know who I am. I know that I am a joke and have no idea what the Christian life is about most of the time. I have no clue how to minister. Teaching is the easy part; all the other stuff is so complicated. Yet you compel me to minister as I hear you call out my name. And you desire me to be pure, clean and holy in your sight. So Lord, help me to live my life in purity as unto you. Help me to live this life filled with your wonderful Spirit. I look forward to and can’t wait for the day when I hear you say, “Welcome Home My Child!”
Until then O Lord, I will be content with the life that you have blessed me with; knowing that what is to come is so much greater than what is. I have seen the suffering that loneliness can cause. So I choose to give my love away to you so that you can fill me in the depths of my heart. I seek your wisdom and counsel as I have none. And you have said Lord that if I ask you for wisdom, then you would supply it. Help me to sort out ministry Jesus. What is your heart and what is it that you desire for me to do? Please give me clarity. Please give me insight. Please shine through me. I am so tired of being a man who is so worldly and ungodly. I am so tired of shining my own vomit instead of your glory and I don’t know which way is up anymore. So please lead me as I try to live out your will in my life. Lead me Jesus.
On the merits of Jesus I ask these things….Amen.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Journal 2/8/07
Sometimes I feel as if the grave is mans only real destiny. It’s as if we live to die and unless there is something more, we are doomed to this cruel fate. How sad that would be. How horrible for those who refuse to walk in the ways of the Lord. Where is there hope? They are utterly hopeless. I am so blessed that there is more to life than just this point in time. I am so glad there is life after the grave and I am not bound to the realm of time that I am in.
As the time approaches speedily for me to enter the grave, (hypothetically speaking) I look forward to the destiny that lies behind the realm of death. All storms will cease. All suffering will finally end. I will be able to touch and see the One who loves me and the One whom I have longed for.
How I wish I could put you into words Lord. If I were able to do that then I would write your face on a thousand pages. I want the pages of my life to be consumed with you so that when the book of my life is finally fulfilled, that there is nothing left of me in it, as I desire for you to shine brightly through me. How I long for the story of my life to reflect you and you alone Jesus. I love you.
Bill
As the time approaches speedily for me to enter the grave, (hypothetically speaking) I look forward to the destiny that lies behind the realm of death. All storms will cease. All suffering will finally end. I will be able to touch and see the One who loves me and the One whom I have longed for.
How I wish I could put you into words Lord. If I were able to do that then I would write your face on a thousand pages. I want the pages of my life to be consumed with you so that when the book of my life is finally fulfilled, that there is nothing left of me in it, as I desire for you to shine brightly through me. How I long for the story of my life to reflect you and you alone Jesus. I love you.
Bill
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Journal 2/6/07
Oh Lord,
You really do hear my cry, and you hear my prayer. You save all my tears and you place them in a bottle because you truly care about me. So I offer my heart up to you as I declare that a moment without you is like a thousand lonely years of hell. If I can just sit with you, I know that you will wipe away my tears. For you love me in such a way that breaks me. Your love compels me to seek your face. There is only one thing that I ask of you Lord. There is only one thing that I truly seek. I want to dwell in your house all the days of my life so that I may gaze upon your beauty. I want to behold you. I want to see your face. I want to be touched by you and embraced by you as you openly declare your abounding love towards me.
Lord, I constantly sin against you and I do wrong. Yet you comfort me in your longsuffering. Lord I have walked away from you so many times yet your mercy is there for me new each morning. You are my Redeemer. You are my Savior and my King. I lay my life before you so please take all of me Lord as I surrender all that I am to you.
I need you. I desire you.
Bill
You really do hear my cry, and you hear my prayer. You save all my tears and you place them in a bottle because you truly care about me. So I offer my heart up to you as I declare that a moment without you is like a thousand lonely years of hell. If I can just sit with you, I know that you will wipe away my tears. For you love me in such a way that breaks me. Your love compels me to seek your face. There is only one thing that I ask of you Lord. There is only one thing that I truly seek. I want to dwell in your house all the days of my life so that I may gaze upon your beauty. I want to behold you. I want to see your face. I want to be touched by you and embraced by you as you openly declare your abounding love towards me.
Lord, I constantly sin against you and I do wrong. Yet you comfort me in your longsuffering. Lord I have walked away from you so many times yet your mercy is there for me new each morning. You are my Redeemer. You are my Savior and my King. I lay my life before you so please take all of me Lord as I surrender all that I am to you.
I need you. I desire you.
Bill
Monday, February 05, 2007
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