Sometimes it is so hard to breath as life chokes away and clouds my mind in despair. And as I try to focus through all the fog I lose my sense of purpose until I ponder upon You in all Your glory; for I know that your eyes of fire see right through me. And I feel so ashamed. I feel so disfigured and lost. If my life is to be pictured as a painting then I feel as if my colors are bleeding all over the place. I sometimes feel trapped as if I have locked myself in a room of walls colored in despair and hopelessness. These walls are too high and yet I have locked myself in from the inside.
As a boy I would hide from the eyes that would haunt me. I ran from the fire as it chased and burned away the very core of who I was. I ran and ran as I cowered in fear and shame from the enemy that wanted to kill me. My eyes were cut away in darkness and I was unable to see and feel that I was hungry; naked and hopeless. I was so lost. I ran on broken feet until I could no longer run from the pain swelling deep inside me. I was forced to crawl. I was a beggar as I pleaded for mercy on my face. I moved in fear and despair until I came to a place where I saw You on bended knee with Your arms open.
But I am not a boy now and yet I find myself in this isolated room of darkness as I tread the waters of fear. I cry out, “Take me from all that is wrong and evil in my life! Please collapse these walls that I have labored and strained to build! Woe is me for these walls haunt me! They taunt my soul and I cannot take anymore of this! Please let these tears of mine that flood this room collapse the very walls that have strangled this life of mine. These walls crush me and I can no longer contain myself.”
So I stumble through the darkness and as I swim in my tears. I struggle and gasp for air as the torrents flood and drench my tear stained face. It is in this place of utter misery and fear that I look and see a small light. And in my minds eye I can see that You are that light that is here with me. Your light shines in the midst of the misery that entails my soul. I am afflicted, I am torn, I am in a place of utter desolation and Your light is here shining upon the horizon of my life. So I start to follow Your light as I again swim. Oh how Your light shines. I frantically splash and strain as I move through the crashing waves to find a way out of this room that I have built and locked myself into.
I feel the power of darkness as it tries to overtake me. And though the mountains fall upon me yet I will trust in You. For who have I but You? The Lord is the light of my salvation and the strength of my life. Who shall I fear O Lord? Of whom shall I be afraid? You are my comfort and my sustainer. And in You alone do I trust, even when I feel as if I am alone, I will place my trust in You alone! Praise be to God the Father through the blood of His Son Jesus Christ that I am able to stand in the midst of darkness until His light shines through and delivers me yet again from the fear that grips my soul.
I love you Jesus.
Bill
