Journal 10/30/08

I am tired of people putting words in my mouth. You know who you are, please stop.

Journal 10/28/08

Today is a good day although I am tired and sleepy. I am getting ready for my band to go into the studio the 1st week of December and I am really looking forward to it. We have worked so hard to get to this place and I hope our songs are solid and record worthy. Time will tell. I cant wait to start playing shows.

Journal 10-23-08

It has been a long time since I have written in my journal so frequently and consistently. You would think I would be exhausted by now, but so far so good. The single dad thing has not been to rough yet. I am not so foolish to believe that it wont get hard, but so far so good.

My kids are GREAT kids. They have such tender spirits and I am so blessed by them. Although, we went out to eat last night and I was so jealous. The kids devoured their food, they ate fast and they ate a lot. Not sure why they wont do that at home, lol. Actually I am pretty sure I know why……I hate cooking and they hate eating my cooking…..lol. Billy order macaroni and cheese, yet he wont eat mine. Come on now, I know my Mac and Cheese doesn’t taste that bad. Its from a box! My goodness, I actually do follow the directions.

Maybe I should open the box next time instead of cooking the noodles in the box? What do you think?

Things will balance out soon, I am sure. At some point in time, I will discover a food that they will eat…..until then……poor kids…hahaha.

Journal 10/22/08

You know what? I am pretty anxious right now. I don’t know why, I just am. As I sit here thinking upon life, and what matters, my heart goes all over the place. Brokenness? Anger? Fear? Love? Passion? Sympathy? These are the things that cross my mind. This world is harsh. This world wants to devour humanity and the enemy of our souls is on the prowl waiting to crush all in his path. Yet there can still be beauty from ashes. You can still fall in love. You can love and be loved. You can still be there for those who have been hurt by the harshness of this world. Not all things that look bad are hopeless, thee is hope, its just not in this world.

So I am looking at things from this perspective as I write these words and if anyone I love is sick, or hurting, or reaping what they have sown, will I walk away from them? What if they have cancer? Or worse yet, what if they have HIV? Would I abandon the ones I love because of that? The answer is no. I am not going to leave you in your pain. I cant say I can be there in total perfection, but I will be there; because there will come a day when I will need you as well, that’s just a reality. We need each other to make it in this world. And if we cant be there for the ones we love, then shame on us. Shame on you and shame on me.

This dark world would be a better place if we would love as Christ loves. We have so much to offer the world. And this world has a lot to offer as well. Too bad the world only offers pain, suffering, disease, sickness, fear, anxiety, and hopelessness. But we, as believers in the living God, have something to offer the world. We can offer it love, stability, peace of mind, compassion, grace, tenderness, mercy, love and more love. We have an unlimited supply of Agape love that we can tap into and pour out upon those who have been devoured by the merciless one. We can be there for those in need. Will we rise to such an occasion? Only you can answer that for yourself. Only I can answer that for me.

I will not abandon those I love. Just know that. If you need my shoulder to cry on, then use it, I am here for you, no matter what this world may have done to you, I will be here for you. And if for whatever reason I cant be here for you because of my humanity and my failure as a human being, then I know the Lord Jesus can be here for you.

I have no idea why I am writing this, its just where my heart and mind is at the moment. I just want those of you who are hurting and in need to know that I am here if you need me. If its doesn’t matter 1000 years from now, then it doesn’t matter. I desire to major on the major and minor on the minors. I just hope I can live this way. I desire it, now its time to do it.

Jesus, please help me to live in a way that brings You honor. I have failed so many times in the past, but today is a new day, please help me to be there for those who you have placed in my life. Please give me a heart of tender compassion for people. I need you empty me of myself Lord and to replace me with your Spirit. Please do this in my life….I am desperate for You God. In Jesus name I ask you to give me a heart of compassion….Amen.

My Thoughts

I am glad that Jessica and I are still friends.

Journal 10/21/08

My heart is getting hard.

Journal 10/20/08

So yesterday, I helped Jessica move into her new apartment. Its actually a cute little place with a nice view. So today is the 1st official day that we live out our separate lives. Though we are already divorced, the stamp of permanence was placed on it yesterday. And its both liberating and hard. I am looking forward to organizing the house in a way that works for me. It is now time to de-clutter. I got the living room almost done yesterday and had started working on the kitchen and dining room when I just ran out of time and energy. So hopefully I can get some more of it done tonight after I feed the kids and get them in the bath then down for bed. I have a feeling it will take a lot longer than I want, but that’s ok. I am determined to get the house clutter free and looking good.

Journal 10-17-08

Moving On! What does that mean? I am telling those around me that I am moving on and I really am. Does that mean that I have forgotten the last 8 years that I shared with Jessica as her husband? No. It just means that I am not going to live in the past. That means that I will pursue new things apart from Jessica (wow, can you believe I would say such a thing?). No worries, she will do the same thing as well. You know there actually is life after a divorce. Its not the end of the world. Yes its hard at times, but its not the end.

Dont get me wrong, I still struggle with depression, I still have my good days and bad days. But I am moving forward. I am moving onto the next chapter in my life (and I am excited about it too…please be excited with me). I am not even saying that the last chapter was a bad one, but to be honest, that chapter has ended and I am in the next chapter now. Its exciting and scary at the same time. Its filled with laughter and filled fear.

Just because I am moving on does not mean that I don’t have emotions or feelings or am so calloused that I cant feel anymore. If anything, I have learned to feel all over again. I have felt more pain and humiliation, fear, regret, anger, hatred and stress than most people. But I have also begun to feel love, joy, happiness, contentment, passion, humility, grace, and the list goes on.

I have learned a valuable lesson. EVERYONE has an opinion on how long I should grieve, or if I am moving to fast or slow in my next chapter in my life. But you cant live this out for me. I have to figure this out and work through these things myself. I am ok, I really am and I am sorry if I offend you because I am moving forward at a pace that you disagree with. But I think its even more unhealthy to live in a fantasy world. So please quit giving me grieve because I am not sulking as you think I ought to sulk.

I have done enough crying and sobbing and weeping, I am done. I have (are you ready for this?) I have moved on……!

Sorry this sounds harsh, but I get overwhelmed when people cant leave this alone. Again, this is not directed at anyone in particular, I am just venting my emotions and working through this in a way that works for me. I love you all very much, and I am so grateful you are in my life but let me sort this out and if I move to fast or too slow, then so what. I am bound to make mistakes, I will learn from them. But I have to do this in a way that works for me. Please respect that.

Journal 10-16-08

So yeah, things have changed and I am finally ok with it. I have moved on in my life and I really look forward to the new direction life has taken me. Dont get me worng, transition is never easy and rarely fun, I know it will not be easy, but thats what I love about life. There are new challenges, new mistakes to be made, new goals and just newness in general. So though I will never replace those whom I love or have loved in my life, I am moving forward and moving on. Exciting times are before me and I look forward to the new direction and new challenges that life has to offer.

Journal 10-14-08

Time keeps ticking, cant seem to stop it.

Journal 10-10-08

Well, its over now. As of yesterday Jessica and I are no longer Jessica and I. Yes the truth is out there for the world to know and disect. We are divorced. Our marriage is over. What once was in no more and will never be again.

Life takes some very interesting twist and turns......

Am I happy? no.

Am I sad? no.

I am just numb, and tired and ready to move on to the next chapter in my life. I dont know what else to say.....

Journal 9-16-08

I am in a place where confusion greets me with a warm smile more than anyone else. I am tired. I am at a loss. Why do good things turn out so badly at times? “Why” is a question that I ask often. Why is this world so deceptive? Why do we buy into the lies of the enemy without even thinking twice? I am so guilty of living in deception that it makes me angry. It makes me frustrated and now I feel numb. The fight is not in me anymore and I want to lay my head down and say goodnight. I am so tired of uncertainty and yet that is all this world offers. There are not promises of certainty on this side of eternity.

Please don’t get me wrong, I am not hopeless. I do believe that the Lord Jesus can restore, heal, mend and do all the things that seem impossible. I am just in a place of sobriety as I see the dark forces of this world wage a war against humanity and against any and all things that God has called good. What sucks is that I tend to find myself in these wars (whether that means I am fighting on the wrong side or whether I am a victim to the schemes of the evil one) and all I can do at this moment in time is lay here wounded as I wait for my redeemer to come one day (soon I hope).

I want to fight yet I am just so wiped out. I have lost all sense of the meaning of living in that place of total dependence and intimacy with Jesus. And maybe this trial in my life is what I need to cause me to see the Lord who is Mighty and powerful do that wonderful work in the midst of chaos and destruction. So I am not hopeless yet at the same time its very difficult to see things get restored. So I struggle with faith, reality, and that daily question, “will God restore my family or will he work in the midst of this destruction?”

That is my dilemma. I don’t have the answers. God could do one or the other. He could restore or he could heal in the midst of tragedy. But I hate being in this place…..just so you know…..

Journal 8/30/08

One thing that is constant is the fact that things always change. Apart from God Himself and eternity, everything changes. Nothing last forever in this world and it would be wise of us if we simply took a second and just enjoyed the blessings that we have been given before the time comes and those blessings are gone. Because here is a truth.....it won't last. Friends come and go, people die, relationships end, people move away or commit to other things. Kids grow up and move out, and when all is said and done, what's left? If we do not value those moments, those tiny glimpses when we have those we love around us, then we have missed out on some of the most wonderful times we could ever have. So hear the words of wisdom from a broken man……cherish those who are in your life. Enjoy them, love them so that when the time comes and they are no longer in your life you can fall back and cherish those times that you both walked this earth hand in hand.

Journal 8/25/08

What can I say? Things are chaotic and I am overwhelmed in ways I never dreamed possible. The tides of despair from this monstrous storm have crashed upon my tear stained face and I can no longer stand. I am an utter mess. I am unable to comprehend the depths of this tragedy that plagues my soul. What a mess. What a disaster! What a horrific nightmare that grabs me at my throat and tries to strangle the life out of me. I can’t breathe. I need to catch my breath yet these toxic fumes of hell surround me and I have no place to retreat to. I am hopeless.

Journal 8-6-08

So its been awhile since i have been here. Life has taken its toll on me and I am no longer able to collect my thoughts in a way which allows me to pour out my heart on paper in the ways that i so desire. I am sure if I tried, then it would not be all that difficult to do so, but i have lost my desire to write. I am sure it will come back one day, its here today, it may say, who knows, but life is just too difficult at the moment to put any thought into anything at all. So I sit back and live in apathy to numb the torment and the raging wars that go on inside of me.



Its a season of dread, regret, uncertainty, confusion and torment. Yet here I am, treading in this nightmare, alone in the true sense of the word. I actually prefer being alone this way for when I am alone the demons can haunt me all they want and no one will notice, no one will care, no one will make fun of me and no one will abhor and detest me. So alone I will be, its liberating to me. I am free. There is a joy and in taking my burdens alone to Jesus. He hears me even when I cant speak. I love you Jesus. You know me inside and out and You have chosen me. You are devoted to me no matter what. I am so beyond blessed to have You in my life Lord.



So though I am alone, I really am not. I have never been in a worse and better place at the same time. Its interesting to me. I love you Jesus.

Journal 6/10/08

It's been so long since I have written anything. My heart has been all over the world and back over the last few months. So much has changed yet so much has stayed the same. I have no words at this time in my life.

Journal 4/15/08!

Death. We are told that it is the final frontier and in some ways that is true. Those of us alive have never experienced death personally and so we don’t know what it looks like in a personal way. We can only guess or choose to believe by faith what really happens on the other side. We can only guess if there is another side. Because in and of ourselves; we just do not know the answer to what happens when we die. It is an unexplored place that leaves more questions at times than answers.

Yet I am thankful that I know someone who personally experienced death and came back to life and he has personally told me what is on the other side. It makes all the difference in the world when a person who you trust; has been there and knows what is on the other side. He has shared with me what happens when a person dies and he did indeed die himself. And to come back from the dead and to actually share with me what happens is amazing to me. So is there something on the other side of death? Yes there is something on the other side, and I don’t just say that from faith alone but from a person that I trust who has been there and knows what its like.

So though it may be the final frontier for some; or most, for me it wont be because I know what is on the other side. That brings me comfort…

Journal 4/15/08

Death: the end of excuses, the beginning of eternity!

Religion: a mirage - Jesus: reality

You don’t have to be brain-dead to live for Jesus, but when you are, you’ll be glad you did.

When you’re in love with God, even tragedies become ministering angels, helping you to ever-increasing Christ-likeness. If your blossom is dying, it’s so that the fruit can grow.

Journal 4/8/08

So it has been a challenging couple of weeks as I try to determine the Lords will with music and balancing my dream with reality and then balancing making hard decisions without trying to hurt those that I love. The decision has been made, yet my heart breaks with those who are hurt by the outcome or the process in which all this came about. My heart is desperately wicked, and yet the Lords heart in me desires to see all those in my immediate circle to trust Him and to come to Him for healing. All I can do is mess things up at best. Yet the Lord in His incredible grace has the tools needed to restore and heal all of us who are hurting, who are bleeding and feel left for dead on the wayside.

I am so bummed that you are hurt. I am so saddened to see you sit on the sidelines and suffer knowing that I am part of the reason why your are feeling so insecure and confused. I am the reason why your world is turned upside down. I do wish that I would not have received your blessing before you were ready to give it, I don't say this in a malicious way, but because you bring me so much joy, and happiness and when I see you struggle, it really breaks my heart. I may not have alot of emotion on the outside, but I do on the inside and you mean so much to me. I want to see you work through this and get to the other side but I don’t want to see you struggle. Yet I cant have you reach the other side until you struggle through this; and that is such a torture to see.

Father,

Please bring clarity and healing and forgiveness. Please restore fellowship where it is hindered and broken. Please remove the enemy from this and remove his influence and let all of us see with total clarity You in all Your glory. You are what everything is about. You and your love for people who deserve nothing but judgment and condemnation. Yet you love the scum of the earth and you seek to save them before its too late. Please give us all Your heart, Your passion, and Your vision. In Jesus name and on His merits I ask these things….So be it!

Pins and needles

Pins and needles. That is what I feel like I am walking on today…. I hate feeling this way.