Journal 10-16-08

So yeah, things have changed and I am finally ok with it. I have moved on in my life and I really look forward to the new direction life has taken me. Dont get me worng, transition is never easy and rarely fun, I know it will not be easy, but thats what I love about life. There are new challenges, new mistakes to be made, new goals and just newness in general. So though I will never replace those whom I love or have loved in my life, I am moving forward and moving on. Exciting times are before me and I look forward to the new direction and new challenges that life has to offer.

Journal 10-14-08

Time keeps ticking, cant seem to stop it.

Journal 10-10-08

Well, its over now. As of yesterday Jessica and I are no longer Jessica and I. Yes the truth is out there for the world to know and disect. We are divorced. Our marriage is over. What once was in no more and will never be again.

Life takes some very interesting twist and turns......

Am I happy? no.

Am I sad? no.

I am just numb, and tired and ready to move on to the next chapter in my life. I dont know what else to say.....

Journal 9-16-08

I am in a place where confusion greets me with a warm smile more than anyone else. I am tired. I am at a loss. Why do good things turn out so badly at times? “Why” is a question that I ask often. Why is this world so deceptive? Why do we buy into the lies of the enemy without even thinking twice? I am so guilty of living in deception that it makes me angry. It makes me frustrated and now I feel numb. The fight is not in me anymore and I want to lay my head down and say goodnight. I am so tired of uncertainty and yet that is all this world offers. There are not promises of certainty on this side of eternity.

Please don’t get me wrong, I am not hopeless. I do believe that the Lord Jesus can restore, heal, mend and do all the things that seem impossible. I am just in a place of sobriety as I see the dark forces of this world wage a war against humanity and against any and all things that God has called good. What sucks is that I tend to find myself in these wars (whether that means I am fighting on the wrong side or whether I am a victim to the schemes of the evil one) and all I can do at this moment in time is lay here wounded as I wait for my redeemer to come one day (soon I hope).

I want to fight yet I am just so wiped out. I have lost all sense of the meaning of living in that place of total dependence and intimacy with Jesus. And maybe this trial in my life is what I need to cause me to see the Lord who is Mighty and powerful do that wonderful work in the midst of chaos and destruction. So I am not hopeless yet at the same time its very difficult to see things get restored. So I struggle with faith, reality, and that daily question, “will God restore my family or will he work in the midst of this destruction?”

That is my dilemma. I don’t have the answers. God could do one or the other. He could restore or he could heal in the midst of tragedy. But I hate being in this place…..just so you know…..

Journal 8/30/08

One thing that is constant is the fact that things always change. Apart from God Himself and eternity, everything changes. Nothing last forever in this world and it would be wise of us if we simply took a second and just enjoyed the blessings that we have been given before the time comes and those blessings are gone. Because here is a truth.....it won't last. Friends come and go, people die, relationships end, people move away or commit to other things. Kids grow up and move out, and when all is said and done, what's left? If we do not value those moments, those tiny glimpses when we have those we love around us, then we have missed out on some of the most wonderful times we could ever have. So hear the words of wisdom from a broken man……cherish those who are in your life. Enjoy them, love them so that when the time comes and they are no longer in your life you can fall back and cherish those times that you both walked this earth hand in hand.

Journal 8/25/08

What can I say? Things are chaotic and I am overwhelmed in ways I never dreamed possible. The tides of despair from this monstrous storm have crashed upon my tear stained face and I can no longer stand. I am an utter mess. I am unable to comprehend the depths of this tragedy that plagues my soul. What a mess. What a disaster! What a horrific nightmare that grabs me at my throat and tries to strangle the life out of me. I can’t breathe. I need to catch my breath yet these toxic fumes of hell surround me and I have no place to retreat to. I am hopeless.

Journal 8-6-08

So its been awhile since i have been here. Life has taken its toll on me and I am no longer able to collect my thoughts in a way which allows me to pour out my heart on paper in the ways that i so desire. I am sure if I tried, then it would not be all that difficult to do so, but i have lost my desire to write. I am sure it will come back one day, its here today, it may say, who knows, but life is just too difficult at the moment to put any thought into anything at all. So I sit back and live in apathy to numb the torment and the raging wars that go on inside of me.



Its a season of dread, regret, uncertainty, confusion and torment. Yet here I am, treading in this nightmare, alone in the true sense of the word. I actually prefer being alone this way for when I am alone the demons can haunt me all they want and no one will notice, no one will care, no one will make fun of me and no one will abhor and detest me. So alone I will be, its liberating to me. I am free. There is a joy and in taking my burdens alone to Jesus. He hears me even when I cant speak. I love you Jesus. You know me inside and out and You have chosen me. You are devoted to me no matter what. I am so beyond blessed to have You in my life Lord.



So though I am alone, I really am not. I have never been in a worse and better place at the same time. Its interesting to me. I love you Jesus.

Journal 6/10/08

It's been so long since I have written anything. My heart has been all over the world and back over the last few months. So much has changed yet so much has stayed the same. I have no words at this time in my life.

Journal 4/15/08!

Death. We are told that it is the final frontier and in some ways that is true. Those of us alive have never experienced death personally and so we don’t know what it looks like in a personal way. We can only guess or choose to believe by faith what really happens on the other side. We can only guess if there is another side. Because in and of ourselves; we just do not know the answer to what happens when we die. It is an unexplored place that leaves more questions at times than answers.

Yet I am thankful that I know someone who personally experienced death and came back to life and he has personally told me what is on the other side. It makes all the difference in the world when a person who you trust; has been there and knows what is on the other side. He has shared with me what happens when a person dies and he did indeed die himself. And to come back from the dead and to actually share with me what happens is amazing to me. So is there something on the other side of death? Yes there is something on the other side, and I don’t just say that from faith alone but from a person that I trust who has been there and knows what its like.

So though it may be the final frontier for some; or most, for me it wont be because I know what is on the other side. That brings me comfort…

Journal 4/15/08

Death: the end of excuses, the beginning of eternity!

Religion: a mirage - Jesus: reality

You don’t have to be brain-dead to live for Jesus, but when you are, you’ll be glad you did.

When you’re in love with God, even tragedies become ministering angels, helping you to ever-increasing Christ-likeness. If your blossom is dying, it’s so that the fruit can grow.

Journal 4/8/08

So it has been a challenging couple of weeks as I try to determine the Lords will with music and balancing my dream with reality and then balancing making hard decisions without trying to hurt those that I love. The decision has been made, yet my heart breaks with those who are hurt by the outcome or the process in which all this came about. My heart is desperately wicked, and yet the Lords heart in me desires to see all those in my immediate circle to trust Him and to come to Him for healing. All I can do is mess things up at best. Yet the Lord in His incredible grace has the tools needed to restore and heal all of us who are hurting, who are bleeding and feel left for dead on the wayside.

I am so bummed that you are hurt. I am so saddened to see you sit on the sidelines and suffer knowing that I am part of the reason why your are feeling so insecure and confused. I am the reason why your world is turned upside down. I do wish that I would not have received your blessing before you were ready to give it, I don't say this in a malicious way, but because you bring me so much joy, and happiness and when I see you struggle, it really breaks my heart. I may not have alot of emotion on the outside, but I do on the inside and you mean so much to me. I want to see you work through this and get to the other side but I don’t want to see you struggle. Yet I cant have you reach the other side until you struggle through this; and that is such a torture to see.

Father,

Please bring clarity and healing and forgiveness. Please restore fellowship where it is hindered and broken. Please remove the enemy from this and remove his influence and let all of us see with total clarity You in all Your glory. You are what everything is about. You and your love for people who deserve nothing but judgment and condemnation. Yet you love the scum of the earth and you seek to save them before its too late. Please give us all Your heart, Your passion, and Your vision. In Jesus name and on His merits I ask these things….So be it!

Pins and needles

Pins and needles. That is what I feel like I am walking on today…. I hate feeling this way.

Today's thoughts!

Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God and keep His commandments, For this is man’s all. For God will bring every work into judgment, including every secret thing, Whether good or evil.

Journal 2/28/08

How do I love more and more? How do I walk properly towards those who are outside and are not believers? How do I become more passionate towards Jesus yet stay balanced at the same time? How do I cause others to become passionate for Jesus as well? I have no idea.

Oh God of peace, please sanctify me completely so that I am blameless when you return. Give me wisdom and insight into Your wonderful word. Please help me to understand Your word and help me to engage others so that they may see You in the Word. Oh Faithful Father, Your gospel is good. It is powerful and liberating. Your Holy Spirit brings so much joy and I praise You Holy Father.

How I wait for Your Son from heaven. I long to see the face of Jesus my God. How long Lord? How much longer before You return for Your people the Jews and the Gentiles? Help me to be a man who labors night and day for the things of Your kingdom. Help me to walk worthy of Your calling God. Help me to receive Your word that comes forth from Your mouth. Oh Jesus, make me to abound in grace and love. Oh help me not to engage my heart in ungodly passion but passion that is controlled by the Spirit. I long to see Your face Jesus. I want to hear You laugh and to see Your smile. I want to feel Your hug and to hear Your heart beat as I lay my head upon Your chest. I want to know You Jesus. I want to really know You in ways that I have yet to know You.

Oh help me to look for Your return in a practical way. Help me to keep my eyes looking up into the sky as I look for You to return for Your people, for Your bride. I long for Your salvation Jesus! I long to be glorified and without sin. I want to be with You. I want to be where You are. I want to be in Your midst and saturated by Your presence. Lord, how can I glorify Your name in my life? Please show me and personally teach me.

Lord, will You please lead my life? I want to be found where You are and led by Your Spirit. Please baptize me in the Holy Spirit and consume my life in Yours. I want so badly for You Jesus to by my inheritance. I need You so desperately in my life. I want to hear Your voice and to behold Your glory. Come Lord Jesus, come back to earth and come for Your people. Deliver us from the wickedness of this world.

Bill

Journal 2/26/08

Lord God,

You have had your hand directly and indirectly involved in the lives of men and women throughout history. Your hand of protection has preserved the children of Israel to this day. Thank you. I desire to be a clean vessel dad, but I can’t clean myself. Please wash me and use me in the course of your historical plan. I desire to do as you have created me to do. I long to fulfill my destiny Jesus. What is my destiny?

You see all things and know that I am in desperate need of your grace. I hunger for you Jesus. I cannot settle for anything less that personal contact with you. I must have you lest I die Jesus. Please have favor upon me. Please bless the work of my hands and cleanse me from the inside out.

Do I love You Jesus? Do I love the Father? Do I love the Helper, the Spirit of Truth who testifies of You? I long to be intimate with my God. I want to know the depths and height, length and width of Your glory and of You. I desire that our heart beats be so entwined that they beat the same beat.

Oh declare to me Your wonders. Declare to me Your ways. Please return for me and fill me with your Holy Spirit. Please baptize me in Your Holy Spirit. Come upon me, be with me and in me. Take my life Jesus and make my life Yours. I need you so desperately in my life. Oh please share the Father with me plainly.

When will the hour come of Your 2nd Coming? You finished the work of the Father and I want to follow in Your foot steps in that I desire to finish the work that You have laid out before me. I want to have an eternal perspective in everything that I do Jesus. Please take this life of mine and make it Yours. Keep me in your love, I have no faith in me. All my faith is in You alone.

Send me into the world Lord and empower me to be a vessel of honor; an ambassador of the Kingdom to come in which You will reign. You are my righteous Father and I desire to declare Your name to the lost. Please help me to live in a way that heaven is always on my mind, where You are always on my mind.

Your prophetic word is so amazing. I am in awe at the details of what you have said in Your wonderful word. You truly do know the end from the beginning and I am thankful for that. Oh God, have mercy on me, cleanse me from my sin and lead me in the ways of everlasting.

Journal 2-25-08

So today was a milestone for me. I have the bible on mp3 now and I actually listened to the entire book of Genesis today. All 50 chapters. And I didnt stop there, I also listened to 1st and 2nd Corinthians. By doing so I was able to see the heart of God more and the tragedy of man. Death, suffering, deceit, all of that is a byproduct of the fall of man. And it broke my heart today. And o know that God loved me enough to send Jesus on my behalf so that He could have fellowship with me, just blows me away. God is in love with me, with us and I am in awe at that.

So anyways, I know it is a random thought, but sometimes my thoughts are all over the place.

Bill

How it all started.

This is the story of events that led me to the day when I came face to face with God's everlasting love.


I was 17 years old, and my cousin asked me if I would like to go to camp for a week. I said sure, but how much is it? He told me that it was about $250.00. I told him, that I didn't have that kind of money. So he offered to pay for me. But as the time grew closer to going, I didn't want to go. I tried what any other 17-year-old person would do, I tried to convince my brother to go. My mom told me that I had to go, because my cousin had already paid my way. I don't remember much about the week at camp, but I do remember one night. I remember it very well.

It was Wednesday, August 20th, 1991. We had church that night just like every other night. But this time the service was about the end times. It started out with music. The worship team played a song called "Billy waited to long". It was about a guy named Billy who rejected God & died, he waited to long. Well, the fact that my name is Billy, lets just say that it got my attention.


The speaker then spoke about the end times. He would read from the bible & then read the fulfillment of the prophecy from newspapers, from Time magazine. As he was sharing, a bat flew into the building. The speaker stopped & said that this was Satan trying to distract us, then he led us in prayer. My cousin said that last year the power went out & they had to wait in the dark for a few minutes before the generators turned on. After his prayer, the speaker said, "If you are a believer, then I want you to leave the building quietly. If you would like to ask Jesus to be your Lord & Savior, then stay where you are. If you want to rededicate your life to Him, then you stay too." (That was totally the Lord, because I would have never gone forward).

Everyone left, except for the counselors & those who wanted to be saved, including myself. The counselor told me that we needed to pray. I said, cool. He asked me if I wated to go first, to which I told him that I did not want to pray out loud, I didn't know how to pray & I didn't want to make a fool of myself. He said that he would lead me in a prayer & I should follow him in it, I figured I could handle that. When we finished I went back to the cabin. Mind you, the whole week, someone was always in there. But this night it was empty.

I climbed on the top bunk bed and started asking God, Why would you want me? I cuss, I party, I sleep with my girlfriend & I smoke, why would you want me?

I had my cousin’s bible (he had given it to me); it was all marked up & had papers in it. I also asked the Lord, "Please don’t let anyone come in here & see me when I'm emotional." As I was getting back on my bed (had to use the bathroom), I asked God again, "Why would you want me?" Just then a paper fell out of the bible. It read, " I love you very, very, very, very, very much", that was it for me, I was crying & I told God, "I believe you. I give you my life".


And that’s how I met Jesus. Do you know what is cool? God answered my little prayer, and no one came into the cabin.

So now, when people ask me how did I find God? I tell them, I didn't. I tell them that God was never lost, I was.

He found me.

Journal 2/21/08

Sometimes it really is a battle to live out your convictions. I long to be a man who lives according to the Word of God. It is weird because I really desire to be a man of passion and in a sense I am. Yet at the same time I really struggle with being a slave to my passions and there is a real battle there for me. I love passion when it is not tainted by the sin nature, but those times when it is; I really struggle to make good decisions based upon my conviction as my passion in those moments are stronger and more compelling than my convictions.

How do I balance this? I want to be passionate but not at the cost of compromise. Oh Jesus, my eyes are lifted up to you in hope that you will be able to deliver me from this body of death. Please baptize me in the Holy Spirit and consume my every thought and action. I am calling out to you by faith and simply ask you to help me engage my heart in things that would bring you the most glory.

Bill

Journal 2/19/08

My memories haunt me. I wonder what my thoughts would be if I knew that I was going to die today. What would I regret? What would I change? What would I desire to do over again? I know that I will have so many tears of regret on that day; yet I find that in my experience it is so difficult to live out my life in a way that keeps an eternal perspective.

When the day finally does arrive and I leave this world; no one is going to do it with me. What I mean is that when I die, I will die alone and therefore I must be prepared to stand before the Lord alone. And that doesn’t scare me as much as it shames me. What I mean is that I am not afraid to stand before the Lord as I know that he loves me and that he has forgiven my sins. What I fear is the shame that I will feel and experience when all the things that I have done are exposed and laid out before the Lord. I am a wretched man in need of mercy, grace and forgiveness. Oh, soul, why is it that you take pleasure in wickedness?

I know where I have been and I know that when I finally get to see Jesus face to face, when I finally get to see the scars in his hands and feet, I will be so embarrassed and shamed from all the things that my wicked heart embraced. I really am a wretch and hate it when I do not choose to do what I know is right.

Jesus, please cleanse me from my past, present and future. Please help me to walk in your ways 100% of the time. Please clean me Jesus as I am unable to so myself.

Love,

Bill

Interesting Study - Chuck Missler

Q & A: Where did you find the meanings of the names in Genesis 5?
The background behind the genealogy in Genesis 5 is one of our most frequently asked questions.
Since the ten Hebrew names are proper names, they are not translated but only transliterated to approximate the way they were pronounced. The meaning of proper names can be a difficult pursuit since direct translations are not readily available. Many study aids, such as conventional lexicons, can prove superficial when dealing with proper names. Even a conventional Hebrew lexicon can prove disappointing. A study of the original roots, however, can yield some fascinating insights. (It should be recognized, however, that the views concerning the meaning and significance of the original roots are not free of controversy and are subject to variant readings. This is why we receive so many questions or comments on variations.)

Adam

The first name, Adam, comes from adomah, and means "man." As the first man, that seems straightforward enough.

Seth

Adam's son was named Seth, which means "appointed." When he was born Eve said, "For God hath appointed me another seed instead of Abel, whom Cain slew."

Enosh

Seth's son was called Enosh, which means "mortal," "frail," or "miserable." It is from the root anash: to be incurable; used of a wound, grief, woe, sickness, or wickedness. (It was in the days of Enosh that men began to defile the name of the Living God.1 )

Kenan

Enosh's son was named Kenan, from which can mean "sorrow," dirge," or "elegy." (The precise denotation is somewhat elusive; some study aids unfortunately presume an Aramaic root synonymous with "Cainan.") Balaam, looking down from the heights of Moab, employed a pun upon the name of the Kenites when he prophesied their destruction.2

Mahalalel

Kenan's son was Mahalalel, from mahalal, which means "blessed" or "praise"; and El, the name for God. Thus, Mahalalel means "the Blessed God." Often Hebrew names included El, the name of God, as Dani-el, "God is my Judge," Nathani-el, "Gift of God," etc.

Jared

Mahalalel's son was named Jared, from the verb yaradh, meaning "shall come down." Some authorities suggest that this might have been an allusion to the "Sons of God" who "came down" to corrupt the daughters of men, resulting in the Nephilim ("Fallen Ones") of Genesis 6.3

Enoch

Jared's son was named Enoch, which means "teaching," or "commencement." He was the first of four generations of preachers. In fact, the earliest recorded prophecy was by Enoch, which amazingly enough deals with the Second Coming of Christ.4

Methuselah

The Flood of Noah did not come as a surprise. It had been preached on for four generations. But something strange happened when Enoch was 65, from which time "he walked with God." Enoch was given a prophecy that as long as his son was alive, the judgment of the flood would be withheld; but as soon as he died, the flood would be sent forth.

Enoch named his son to reflect this prophecy. The name Methuselah comes from two roots: muth, a root that means "death"5 ; and from shalach, which means "to bring," or "to send forth." Thus, the name Methuselah signifies, "his death shall bring."6

And, indeed, in the year that Methuselah died, the flood came. Methuselah was 187 when he had Lamech, and lived 782 years more. Lamech had Noah when he was 182.7 The Flood came in Noah's 600th year.8 187 + 182 + 600 = 969, Methuselah's age when he died.9

It is interesting that Methuselah's life was, in effect, a symbol of God's mercy in forestalling the coming judgment of the flood. It is therefore fitting that his lifetime is the oldest in the Bible, symbolizing the extreme extensiveness of God's mercy.

Lamech

Methuselah's son was named Lamech, a root still evident today in our own English word, "lament" or "lamentation." Lamech suggests "despairing." (This name is also linked to the Lamech in Cain's line who inadvertently killed his son Tubal-Cain in a hunting incident. 10 )

Noah

Lamech, of course, is the father of Noah, which is derived from nacham , "to bring relief" or "comfort," as Lamech himself explains. 11
The Composite List
Hebrew


Adam - Man
Seth - Appointed
Enosh - Mortal
Kenan - Sorrow
Mahalalel - The Blessed God
Jared - Shall come down
Enoch - Teaching
Methuselah - His death shall bring
Lamech - The despairing
Noah - Rest, or comfort

Here are the meaning of the names in plain English:

Man apponted mortal sorrow, The blessed God shall come down teaching his death shall bring the desparing comfort.

Here is a summary of God's plan of redemption, hidden here within a genealogy in Genesis! You will never convince me that a group of Jewish rabbis deliberately "contrived" to hide the "Christian Gospel" right here in a genealogy within their venerated Torah!

Evidences of Design

The implications of this discovery are far more deeply significant than may be evident at first glance. It demonstrates that in the earliest chapters of the Book of Genesis, God had already laid out His plan of redemption for the predicament of mankind. It is the beginning of a love story, ultimately written in blood on a wooden cross which was erected in Judea almost 2,000 years ago.

This is also one of many evidences that the Bible is an integrated message system, the product of supernatural engineering. This punctures the presumptions of many who view the Bible as a record of an evolving cultural tradition, noble though it may be. It claims to be authored by the One who alone knows the end from the beginning,12 despite the fact that it is composed of 66 separate books, penned by some 40 authors, spanning several thousand years.13

Journal 1/23/08

Death – no one escapes it. One out of one will die and it is always a tragedy when it happens to someone you know or admire. Yet we fail to realize the seriousness of the frailty of life and the seriousness of the afterlife. If we have not given our lives to Jesus the reality is that we will be in a very harsh reality and wake up call when we die. Oh my heart is broken for those who die without knowing the only One who can save them from Hell. Oh the depths of regret one will have on that day when they take their last breath if they have not given themselves to the One who loves them with a passion.

I can’t even begin to imagine what the horror would be like if I were to close my eyes for the last time only to open them up in a place of torments. To go from living out the American dream to weeping and gnashing my teeth would be so tragic, yet that is the reality for many, many people.

When will we Christians wake up to this reality and start sharing the life giving good news? When will we lose our fear of rejection and start pouring out our lives in reaching the lost before its too late for them? I have the same fear as all of you, but life is to frail and one minute we are here thinking we will live forever and the next minute our time is up and we are in eternity.

I can hear and feel the heart of God weeping over those who reject him. I can hear the sobs of God over those who choose to ignore his pleading. His heart is broken over the death of the those who refuse to deal with the reality of what awaits in the afterlife.

Jesus has done everything that is possible to be with us. He gave everything, he gave his life away for us; just to be with us. Time is running out, we MUST get outside of the four walls of the church and start sharing this reality.

Every 1.5 seconds someone enters eternity, and that someone could be someone you know personally. What will you do with the time allotted to you? Will you love that person enough to warn them of what’s to come? Or will you cave into your fear and refuse to warn them? You were created in this time and age to reach your generation. What you do with this time is up to you, please use it wisely.

Romans 9:1-5 - A Heart for the Lost

I taught this to the high school kids this last Sunday

Romans 9:1-5
(A heart for the lost)

“1 I tell the truth in Christ, I am not lying, my conscience also bearing me witness in the Holy Spirit, 2 that I have great sorrow and continual grief in my heart. 3 For I could wish that I myself were accursed from Christ for my brethren, my countrymen according to the flesh, 4 who are Israelites, to whom pertain the adoption, the glory, the covenants, the giving of the law, the service of God, and the promises; 5 of whom are the fathers and from whom, according to the flesh, Christ came, who is over all, the eternally blessed God. Amen.”

Let’s pick it up in verse two. “that I have great sorrow & continual grief in my heart…” The word “Great Sorrow” is used for people who mourn. All throughout the gospels it is used for people who mourn. It’s amazing to me that Paul had this heart that was inwardly mourning. He felt as though he had lost a loved one.

I don’t know if you have ever lost a loved one, but I have. And when Paul uses a word here that describes mourning & great sorrow, I say, Paul you are crazy. Because I understand mourning, I have been there. I understand the depths of the pain that even crying can't relieve.

I can remember many sleepless nights filled with the terror of grief for my son. I can remember not even being able to function properly. I had no one to talk to, my life was completely torn apart. I felt as though something inside of me had died.

I can remember the 1st day that I lost my oldest son. I was young & naive. My sons mother & I were living together with her parents & we were having a hard time with her mother. I had become a believer & her family really wanted nothing more to do with me. I thought that it was only her mother that was thinking that way, I had no clue that my sons mother thought that way also.

Well, we got into an argument with my ex-girlfriends mother & my ex asked me if we could go to Arizona for a while to get away. It was about 10:00PM & I asked her how did she expect us to get there because we had no money. She told me to call my grandmother & see if I could borrow $100 dollars. So I called & asked my grandmother for money & she said yes, she could tell something was wrong, because I wouldn’t tell her what I needed the money for. I just told her that it was an emergency.

Where we lived & where my grandmother lived had about a 60 mile gap between the two cities. My ex told me to drop her off at the house & she would pack up while I get the money. So I took her home & I did about ninety miles an hour to get to my grandma’s house. She loaned me the money, it was around 11:00PM when I had got there & I raced back to get my son & my ex. When I got back to the house around midnight, they were all gone.

They were gone. The locks had been changed in those two hours that I was gone & my son was gone. I called my grandmother collect at 12:30AM that night. She didn’t even know who I was. I was sobbing so hard that I could not even talk. It took all that I could to muster up the strength to get my name out to her in a way that she could comprehend. I was mourning. I had lost my one & only son. My grandmother talked me into driving back to her house & stay with her there. That was 13 years ago.

So when Paul says, “that he has great sorrow & continual grief in his heart”, that hits home with me. Because I understand mourning & I have been there. I understand the anguish within the heart. All you can do is fall to the ground & convulsively sob & groan & shake. That is all you can do.

And Paul says here, “I have great sorrow, there is mourning in my heart. Not only is there great sorrow in my heart, but there is also continual grief & unceasing torment afflicting my soul.” Now if I were to read this verse only as Paul is saying that he has continual sorrow & unceasing grief & torment. I would be tempted to come up to Paul & ask him:

“What happened to you? Was it your wife who left you because you were a Christian? Is that what is causing you all of this heart ache? Did your dad die? Are you experiencing financial burdens? Is this sorrow from the persecution that you are receiving from being a believer? What is it Paul?”

Paul says, “No, it’s not any of those things. Those things don’t bother me. This is something that is way worse than all of those combined.” Look at what he says, Romans 9:3 – “3 For I could wish that I myself were accursed from Christ for my brethren, my countrymen according to the flesh.”

What was it that caused Paul to have great sorrow & mourning in his heart? It was the fact that his fellow Hebrews were going to Hell. It drove Paul nuts. The only way that Paul could express the anguish of his soul was through convulsing sobs.

Now there is something that we need to understand. Paul says that his sorrow & grief are for his countrymen. The Jews were not nice to Paul. In fact, the Jews were the cause of the majority of Paul’s problems. By this time in Paul’s life, these guys had whipped him 195 times. He received 195 lashings on his back by his countrymen.

Could you imagine mourning for a group of people who were responsible of tearing your back to shreds by whipping you 195 times? These guys would follow Paul around wherever Paul would go & start riots & mobs. They would attack him. Can you imagine having a heart for someone like that. All these people wanted to do was kill him.

This blows me away. “Paul says that he has continual sorrow & grief for someone who hates him.” He goes on to say in Romans 9:3, “For I could wish that I myself were accursed from Christ for my brethren.”

The word “Accursed” means that Paul wished that if it were at all possible, that he could be Damned to hell instead so that these Jews who hated him could come to Christ.

I don’t know about you, but I do know about me. I don’t have this heart for those who love me, which means that I definitely don’t have this heart for my enemies either. My prayer is that God would give us His heart. I pray that God would speak to us & convict us.

We get so caught up in our little lives & we tend to think that our plans & hobbies, our goals & activities are so important. We tend to think that they have to be done & we go through life forgetting that each & every day people die & go to Hell. Does that even move you to have compassion for those who are going to hell? I pray that it does.

This reality does not even enter into our minds. We don’t even think about it. Since the beginning of the church, there have been men & women who have opened up their hearts to God. They have asked God to take His heart & place it into their hearts.

They say, “I want You Lord, to take the way that You feel & cause that to be the way that I feel. Lord, whatever moves you, I want that same thing to move me.” And since the beginning of the church, there have been people who God has been able to use to stain this world with the blood of Jesus Christ through their lives.
Today God is looking for a man or a woman whom He could use to stain this world with the blood of Jesus Christ. God desires to use our lives for His glory. God wants to use us to bring people into salvation. Today, in our age of technology & science, God is looking for a man or a woman. God is looking for ANYONE, it doesn’t matter who it is. ANYBODY.

God is looking for someone who will say, “Here I am use me. Lord, I won’t get caught up in this worlds system. I won’t just pass through life without praying for the lost & without telling people about Jesus Christ. Lord, I won’t go through this life just living out my will because my life is not my life anyways.”

There was a Scottish Reformer by the name of John Knox. And it was said of John Knox that he would be there in bed next to his wife. He would look over to his wife & say, “How can anyone sleep? PEOPLE ARE GOING TO HELL!!!” So he would rise up out of bed & go upstairs & his wife would occasionally sneak up stairs & see him in the middle of the night pleading for the lost.

He would pray, “GOD GIVE ME SCOTLAND LEST I DIE!!! How could anyone sleep when people are going to hell?”

Bob Pierce is another man I would like to mention. Do you know who he is? He is the man who founded World Vision & The Samaritan Purse. Franklin Graham is now the CEO of the Samaritan Purse. Bob Pierce died in 1978.

Billy Graham writes in one of his books about Bob Pierce & he says how he always hated sleeping in the same room as Bob Pierce. The reason he hated it was because Bob Pierce would pray for four hours every single night no matter where he was. It didn’t matter who he was with, he prayed & he prayed out loud.
Can you imagine sleeping in a room with someone who cries out for four hours a night in prayer? Billy Graham goes on to say, “How can you get in the flesh with someone who cries out to God for four hours every night?” Bob Pierce was a man who was transformed by the love of God. He was a man who God was able to use to do great exploits for God. He was a man who allowed God to change his heart.

Vs. 3) “Paul said that I wish that I could be damned to hell…” Paul did not say this lightly he knew what hell was all about & he wished that he could go instead of his countrymen. He says in Philippians 1:21-25, “that he is willing to stay out of heaven so that he could strengthen the church.” So Paul is willing to go to hell for the non-believer & he is willing to stay out of heaven for the believer.

Now in Luke 16:19-31 Jesus tells a true story of what Hades is like.
“19 “There was a certain rich man who was clothed in purple and fine linen and fared sumptuously every day. 20 But there was a certain beggar named Lazarus, full of sores, who was laid at his gate, 21 desiring to be fed with the crumbs which fell from the rich man’s table. Moreover the dogs came and licked his sores. 22 So it was that the beggar died, and was carried by the angels to Abraham’s bosom. The rich man also died and was buried. 23 And being in torments in Hades, he lifted up his eyes and saw Abraham afar off, and Lazarus in his bosom. 24 “Then he cried and said, ‘Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus that he may dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue; for I am tormented in this flame.’ 25 But Abraham said, ‘Son, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things, and likewise Lazarus evil things; but now he is comforted and you are tormented. 26 And besides all this, between us and you there is a great gulf fixed, so that those who want to pass from here to you cannot, nor can those from there pass to us.’ 27 “Then he said, ‘I beg you therefore, father, that you would send him to my father’s house, 28 for I have five brothers, that he may testify to them, lest they also come to this place of torment.’ 29 Abraham said to him, ‘They have Moses and the prophets; let them hear them.’ 30 And he said, ‘No, father Abraham; but if one goes to them from the dead, they will repent.’ 31 But he said to him, ‘If they do not hear Moses and the prophets, neither will they be persuaded though one rise from the dead.’””
As of right now, when a person dies who is not born again, they go to Hades. Hades is a place of torment. One day this place called Hades will be cast into the lake of fire as described in Revelation 20:11-15.

Paul knew all about this. Paul knew that Hades would be thrown into hell one day. When Paul wrote Romans 9:3, he wasn’t just saying it because he was all emotional. “Oh how I wish that I myself would be accursed that my countrymen might be saved.” This was in Paul’s heart, he knew how real Hades was. He knew how real hell was.

It says here in Luke 16:22, that the rich man died & was buried. You need to know that it is not over when you die & are buried, there is more to come. Vs. 23, Notice the word “Torments”. He was in torments, it’s plural. He wasn’t just experiencing one torment, but numerous torments. There were many different kinds of torments & circumstances that were thrust upon him. HE WAS IN TORMENTS!!!

Vs. 24) “24 “Then he cried and said, ‘Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus that he may dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue; for I am tormented in this flame.’”

What does the person in Hell experience? They experience TORMENTS!!! This rich man who mistreated this guy Lazarus was being tormented in this flame & he was begging that he could get just a drop of water on his tongue. He was begging for just a little bit of comfort. He was looking for something that could just temporarily minimize his torment for just a second.

Think about this for a second, If you were dying of thirst, would a drop of water satisfy you? What if you were in flames? No way, but this rich guy was in so much torment, that he begged Abraham to have Lazarus dip his finger in water & cool his flaming tongue.

Do you know that this is a true story? This is a true story that Jesus told us about 2000 years ago. Do you know what that means? That means that for the last two-thousand years, for every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year of every decade of every century of every millennium, this rich man has been crying out these same words.

He has been saying, “I am tormented in this flame!!!” We read this story & we just think that this is a story. BUT IT’S NOT JUST A STORY, IT’S A TRUE STORY!!!

Jesus left heaven & died on a cross for this particular mans sin. And for two-thousand years this man has been crying out the same thing. “PLEASE, IS THERE IS ANYBODY, WHO CAN JUST DIP THEIR FINGER IN SOME WATER & COOL MY TONGUE, FOR I AM TORMENTED IN THIS FLAME!!!”

Look at what it says in Verse 28-31. Look at what he says. “I have five brothers, please tell them so that they won’t come to this place of torment.” If God would open up Hades & give us a glimpse of what is going on there. If God would allow you to hear the cries of the souls that are in Hades, do you know what they would be saying to us?

They would be saying to us, “PLEASE, GO & TELL MY MOTHER, MY BROTHER & SISTERS. PLEASE I BEG YOU TO GO TELL MY FATHER & MY FRIENDS PLEASE, I BEG YOU, LEST THEY COME TO THIS PLACE OF TORMENT!!!” That is exactly what the cries of Hell would be telling us. “PLEASE!!! GO!!! PLEASE!!!”

Is hell real to us? Is Heaven real to us? Is Jesus real to us? Is this church thing that we do, just some social thing that we do? Is this just a club that we joined? Is this a reality? PLEASE, CHECK YOUR HEART!!! Is Jesus the reason we move & live?
Do I really believe that Jesus redeemed me? Do I really believe that unless the Lord would have intervened that I would have gone to this place of torment? Or am I just a Christian because it gives me warm fuzzies? Well Bill, it really makes me feel good!

Turn to Jeremiah. Jeremiah was known as the “Weeping Prophet”. He was always weeping because of the back-slidden state of the nation of Israel. He wept over their sin & he wept because they had strayed from God. And he was weeping because Judgment was coming & it was going to be upon them. He would get up every single morning for 30 – 40 years & preach God’s word to the children of Israel.

He was unceasing in his dedication to the Lord God. He said at one point in His ministry that he would never preach again. I mean, Jeremiah preached for over 40 years & do you know how many people listened to him in those 40 years? ZERO, Not even one!!!

In Jeremiah 20:9, it says, 9 Then I said, “I will not make mention of Him, Nor speak anymore in His name.” But His word was in my heart like a burning fire shut up in my bones; I was weary of holding it back, And I could not.

No one was getting saved, no one cared & because of his preaching he was getting persecuted for it. He was eventually thrown in prison for preaching God’s Word. But he couldn’t stop because it was burning in his heart like a fire.

But there was something else that caused Jeremiah to preach God’s Word. Turn to Jeremiah 9:1.

“1 Oh, that my head were waters, and my eyes a fountain of tears, that I might weep day and night For the slain of the daughter of my people!”

Jeremiah loved his people. He loved the ones that were going to hell & he wept over them. He couldn’t stop preaching to them because he knew that if he didn’t share God’s Word that they would end up in Hades like the rich man. Jeremiah wept day & night for the lost.

Do we? Do we even care about people who are going to hell? Jeremiah said that his eyes were a fountain of tears. Turn to Jeremiah 13:17.

“17 But if you will not hear it, my soul will weep in secret for your pride; my eyes will weep bitterly and run down with tears, because the LORD’s flock has been taken captive.” He would weep in secret.

Jeremiah 14:17. “Therefore you shall say this word to them: ‘Let my eyes flow with tears night and day, and let them not cease; for the virgin daughter of my people has been broken with a mighty stroke, with a very severe blow.”

He was a man who wept because of the judgment that was going to come upon them.

Going back to Romans 9, Paul the Apostle, the man we admire & the man who’s example we seek to copy. Paul was a man who could not be stopped. He was stoned to death & dragged out of the city. God raised him back from the dead. And as soon as he was raised from the dead, Paul goes back into the same city that had just killed him & preached the gospel again. He would be beaten & go from city to city preaching the gospel. Stuart just taught that last week from Acts 13-14.

He was a man that could not be stopped even though he was whipped 195 times. He was a man who was taken captive three different times & beaten with bamboo sticks. He would not stop preaching the gospel.
When Paul was in Philippi, he cast a demon out of a young girl & was whipped & thrown into prison for it. He would not stop preaching the Gospel.

And we look at that & we say, “Hey, I want to be that devoted to the Lord! I want that fire burning inside of me! I want that passion & zeal. I want that knowledge.” But there is something that we miss. We miss the fact that Paul & Jeremiah wept & mourned for the lost. We miss the fact that Paul wished that he could go to Hades instead of his countrymen.

You know, if we were in Hades, we would be crying out for people to go & tell our family & friends about Jesus. I can promise you that. We want to partake of the miracles that Paul partook of. We want the warm feelings. But we miss out on the fact that Paul had the heart of God beating in his own heart. Paul knew the Lord & knew the Lord’s heart.

Not only that, but the very heart of God was beating through Paul. God’s heart consumed Paul so much that Paul wished that he could go to hell instead of his countrymen.”

When God’s heart is beating in your soul, you cannot help but walk around & look at all the people who are going to hell & start to weep. You will start mourning for them.

Turn to Romans 15:18-20. What I want to focus on here is the fact that Paul preached the gospel FULLY from Jerusalem to Illyricum. If you look at your maps in the back of the bible. Illyricum is 1400 miles from Jerusalem.

Now when we follow Paul’s missionary journeys in the book of Acts, we never read of when he goes to Illyricum. But here in Romans 15 he says that he has fully preached the gospel. He says that he has gone as far as he can. He says, “I have preached from Jerusalem all the way to Illyricum, 1400 miles, sharing the gospel. I have planted churches & discipled people.” To travel 1400 miles in that day was not easy. Do you know what he went through in order to preach the gospel?

Turn to 2 Corinthians 11:23-28. “23 Are they ministers of Christ?—I speak as a fool—I am more: in labors more abundant, in stripes above measure, in prisons more frequently, in deaths often. 24 From the Jews five times I received forty stripes minus one. 25 Three times I was beaten with rods; once I was stoned; three times I was shipwrecked; a night and a day I have been in the deep; 26 in journeys often, in perils of waters, in perils of robbers, in perils of my own countrymen, in perils of the Gentiles, in perils in the city, in perils in the wilderness, in perils in the sea, in perils among false brethren; 27 in weariness and toil, in sleeplessness often, in hunger and thirst, in fastings often, in cold and nakedness— 28 besides the other things, what comes upon me daily: my deep concern for all the churches.”

He went through it. He went through all of this in order to preach the gospel from Jerusalem to Illyricum. And we don’t even know when Paul went to Illyricum, but he did.

And even in Romans 15:23-24, Paul says that he was going to go to Spain also. You see, Paul was a man who was haunted by the fact that people are going to hell. Paul was going to go as far as he could. He would not stop for any reason. He knew that hell was a real place. Paul would not & could not be stopped.

As a matter of fact, the only way that they could actually stop him was to cut his head off. They had stoned him, beat him, whipped him, thrown him in prison, & nothing stopped him. So they cut his head off.

Paul fully preached the gospel. Paul made it his goal & aim to PREACH THE GOSPEL. Paul had a vision & a goal. It was to go to those who had never heard the gospel.
In Romans 1:14–17. “14 I am a debtor both to Greeks and to barbarians, both to wise and to unwise. 15 So, as much as is in me, I am ready to preach the gospel to you who are in Rome also.16 For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ, for it is the power of God to salvation for everyone who believes, for the Jew first and also for the Greek. 17 For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith to faith; as it is written, “The just shall live by faith.”

Paul had one ambition, one aim & one goal. Can I ask you, WHAT ARE YOUR GOALS?

Are you focused in on what God is focused in on? Paul was not ashamed of the gospel, are we? What is it going to take to get us to go & preach the gospel? What will it take for us to quit playing games with the Lord & start to get serious about our walks with Him? What will stop us from continuing in sin & JUSTIFYING our sinful behavior?

“Well, it was only one cigarette. I only had a wine cooler, & that is only 5% alcohol. Well, this was just a small little white lie.” How long will we play games? When will we get serious about the Lord. You know, every 1.5 seconds a person enters into eternity. SOMEONE DIES EVERY 1.5 SECONDS!!! Will we share the gospel with them?

YOU GUYS, THERE IS NO TIME TO PLAY GAMES, WE MUST COMPLETELY & FULLY SUBMIT TO THE LORD!!! THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE IN OUR OWN FAMILIES WHO ARE DYING & GOING TO HELL!!!

Journal 1/7/08

It has been a while since I have blogged, I don’t really have much to say these days. God is good and that is the most important thing to remember when things get tough. He will get you through to the other side and our hope is in our future with him in eternity, not in this present age. So please be encouraged as you journey through this world as a pilgrim.

Romans 5:1-2

ROMANS 5:1-2

"Therefore having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand & rejoice in hope of the glory of God."

When you have the word "THEREFORE" in the Bible, you need to find out what it is there for. So we see that in the 1st three chapters, Paul proves to us just how depraved we really are. But then he also shows us how we are justified. The book of Romans is a book of theology.

This book IS the Gospel. Any scholar or great Bible teacher will concur with this view. The book of Romans proves to us just how we were reconciled to God. It shows us that we are all guilty of sin, from Jew to Gentile. Then, Paul shows us how we are freely justified by God's grace, how we have received redemption, how we've received propitiation.
"Therefore, having been, or being justified…"

What this is actually saying is that we are currently justified. The "having been" speaks of some thing that has been done. When Jesus went to the cross, He said, "It is finished", then He died. When he died, our sin was placed upon Jesus, therefore we have been declared righteous, we are justified. It is a finished work, it is done. "Therefore we are justified."

The word "Justified", means we are declared righteous. We are looked upon as a righteous person. Our sin is not counted against us. We are now holy & sinless in the eyes of God. The word justified, just & justification, all have the same root word, "JUST". The book of Romans is all about how we are justified. The just shall live by faith.

You can break the word JUSTIFICATION down to say this:

JUST AS IF I'D NEVER SINNED.

Therefore, in my current position as a believer, I have been declared righteous. One of the main themes in the book of Romans is, "The just shall live by faith". You can find scriptures relating to this in Habakkuk 2:4, Romans 1:17, Galatians 3:11 & in Hebrews 10:38.

If you read the book of Romans, it will tell about the just. The book of Galatians tells you how you shall live & the book of Hebrews teaches by faith. So between the books of Romans, Galatians & Hebrews, you have the theme, "The just shall live by faith." If you read & follow those three books, you will have a very intimate & successful walk with God.

Now how am I justified? "By FAITH." The word Faith is defined in Hebrews 11:1. What is faith? We are justified by faith, in what?

We are justified by faith in the finished work of Calvary. We are justified by the cross of Jesus Christ. That is the only way we are justified.

So we are justified as we, by faith, receive what Jesus did for us. When we believe that He died & rose again, when we see & comprehend that his death was an atonement for our sins. Not only did His death & resurrection cover our sins, but by that, we are forgiven, Sanctified, Justified & now we have peace with God. Funny that FAITH is a fruit of the Spirit, (1Corinthians 12:9) which means that FAITH is a gift from God, which means that God give's you the faith that you currently have. So we can't even boast in our great faith.

"We have" Who is this person? We? The word "WE" refers to people who are under the blood, believers. That means us! We have… not we had & no longer have, but rather, we have peace with God. We have the Lord Jesus Christ as our redeemer, as our Savior. Not only did He forgive us our sins, but he made a way for us to approach God the Father.

The word "peace", is the same Greek word that is used in Luke 14:32 & Acts 12:20. It speaks of peace from war; to bind together that, which had been separated; to reconcile. It speaks of appeasing relationships. Why would man, why would human beings need to have our relationship restored with God? When did our relationship with the Lord sever?

(Genesis chapter 3, read it) Notice that in verse 8 that Adam & Eve hid themselves from the Lord's presence. Also, because of this sin, man was cast out of the presence of God, out of the Garden of Eden (verse 24).

The Lord show's compassion on Adam & Eve & even hint's to the sacrifice of Jesus when He made tunics of skin. In Romans, we now are able to enter into the Lord's presence because we are justified, because of the sacrifice of Jesus. We now have peace with our Maker.

Ephesians 2:14-18, Jesus is our peace. (verse 18 shows the Trinity again).

The word "with" in the Greek means facing. So you can read this text, "we have peace facing God." This same word is in John 1:1 – 2. "The word was with God; The word was facing God; The word was face to face with God."

The phrase "Through our Lord Jesus Christ" means just what it says. Just like in John 14:6. The only way to the Father, to Heaven, the only way to be forgiven & cleansed is through the Lord Jesus Christ.

Remember the night before Jesus was to be killed. The night before He was murdered, He was in prayer. He asked God the Father to let this cup pass. He said that He really didn't desire to go through this. But He also said that this was the very reason that He came into the world. He said let Your will be done Father, not mine. He said this three different times. (Mark 14:32 – 42) So as we all know, Jesus went to the cross, so there must not have been any other way. So that means that everything that we do in the Spirit, must be done through Jesus Christ.

The word "have" is in the perfect tense in the Greek. Which means it's permanent. That is real important, the Greek language is really strong & detailed. I know the perfect tense doesn't mean anything to you, it doesn't mean much to me either. I just know that the "Perfect Tense" means Permanence. So what is the text saying?

"through whom also we permanently have continual unstoppable access into His presence."

It is never not there for us. You have continual free access into God's presence at all times because of the blood of Jesus Christ, because of the work of the cross, its continual, its permanent, it will not stop.

He will not change His mind tomorrow & say "I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU, I'VE HEARD YOU CONFESS THAT SIN ENOUGH TIMES, YOU GET OUT OF HERE, THE ACCESS IS SHUT OFF TO YOU!"

The word of God declares that we have continual access to Him, regardless of how we feel, regardless of what we have done. Regardless if we have just sinned. Our feelings will lie to us, Satan will try to deceive us.

The word "access" in the Greek means to obtain access into the throne room of a King. Having authority to go somewhere where you normally wouldn't have authority to go. Like a peasant coming into the presence of a King. He didn't have access, there were things there that were stopping him. There were guards there.

Historically, the word "access" is speaking of a third party. There is the King on the throne, there is me the peasant & then there is the third party who would take me, who would clothe me, & would put royal garments on me & prepare me. The third party would clothe me & prepare me & then bring me & present me to the King.

That was my access. This guy who had access would come & take me off the street, give me a bath & clean me up. He would dress me properly for the Kings house. Then he would take me in there. That is exactly what we see here in this text. (Read Romans 5:1 – 2).

We see the throne of God. We see Jesus Christ coming as a man. We see Jesus Christ paying the price for us. We see Jesus Christ clothing us with His righteousness. We are justified & declared righteous in His sight. So this is what we have here, we have access through Jesus Christ.

So Jesus is saying here, "You have access through me, hold my hand, follow me, I am going to take you in there. I am going to present you as perfect too. I am going to present you to the King & now you have free permanent access to come in at any time."

Also, you can see a glimpse of the Trinity here. You can see, God the Father as the King. In order for us to get into His presence, we need to be washed by the blood of Jesus.

The Holy Spirit is the third person of the Trinity. He is the one who draws us to the Son, who in turn takes us to the Father. It is so amazing to see the work of the God Head. This is what you call the manifold grace of God. You have access by faith. By faith in forgiveness, in the blood, in Jesus. So you get to go by faith into this grace by which we stand (Zechariah 3:1-5).

Not only do we have access, but the Lord does something else to. He cleans us up. He removes our sin. When He went to the cross, ALL, I repeat, ALL of our sins were placed upon Him. Now the Holy Spirit will clean you up. You come to Jesus as you are & He forgives you. Jesus then places everyone of your sins upon Himself. The Holy Spirit then takes the blood of Jesus & starts to wash you. You are then able to go before the King. You have been not only cleansed from you sin, but you have also been delivered from your sin.

WE ARE NOT SO MUCH SINNERS BECAUSE WE SIN, BUT WE SIN BECAUSE WE ARE SINNERS!!!

Can you see the difference here? It is really important to realize the difference. Before you were a Christian, you had to sin, you were a sinner. Now that you are a believer, you are no longer bound to sin. You have been set free, by the Son of God. "Whoever the Son sets free is free indeed."

You don't have to sin anymore. You need to know this. God is not satisfied with you just being forgiven. He wants to have fellowship with you. He want's to present you as SINLESS, so we need to SIN-LESS.

As you start to mature in the things of God, you will start to be convicted of sin. Which means that after you have sinned, it will not be pleasurable. That is because you now have the living God living inside of you. He wants to keep you from sinning. Not only does He want to keep you from sinning, but He has given you the power to stop. Remember that Jesus said, "It is FINISHED".

The word "Grace" is like a diamond, it is pretty much salvation. There are many different assets different colors, to the word Grace. There are many facets to the grace of God. We have been saved by grace. When we say we have been saved by grace, we can automatically turn to the text found in Ephesians 2:8.

In that word GRACE, that manifold grace of God, there are different facets & sides to Grace. It all pours over into that word SALVATION. That deliverance from our present state. We have been DELIVERED!!!

The word "stand" is in the perfect tense. Again, this means that I don't just get to stand there once & not anymore. It means permanence. It's in the grace in which we permanently stand.

The word "stand" means, to stand fast, to remain, to abide, to continue. Which means you are not going nowhere. I'm not going nowhere. How do I stand as a man of God? How do I stand before the Lord? How am I going to make it through this life? By grace. Grace is what will keep you standing, it's grace. It is not about you. It is totally about Him, the Lord. It has nothing to do with you. Nothing at all. We stand by grace. It is His work that God Himself did. All that we do is receive it & say thank you.

The word "Rejoice" means to rejoice, to worship, to give thanks. It means that we can thank God for the Hope that He Himself gave to us. We can worship Him in song, in deeds, by our actions, through prayer. We can shout out loud to him in thanksgiving. We can raise our hands to him. We can rejoice that we are able to approach the Living God. We can enter into His presence, not because of who we are. Not because of what we did, but we can enter into His presence because of what He did for us. We can enter because of who He is. This just causes me to rejoice.

The word "Hope" is a real hope. It is not that we hope it will not rain, or we hope that we get a raise. That is more like a wish. We wish that we will get a raise. When we hope in eternal things, we will never be let down. When our hope, our faith is in Jesus, we are as good as there. Our hope to get to Heaven is by Jesus Christ. We WILL get there, it is a done deal. So hope means that it is going to happen. It is done. We have access into the Glory of God.

The word "Glory of God" means the presence of God. We can enter into the Glory of God. What a blessing that is.

"Who are we that God is mindful of us?"

So now as believers, we can & do, have that intimate relationship with God. He will speak with you, He will conform you into His image, into the likeness of His Son Jesus. Just sit back & let Him work in your Life. He will do things that you never even dreamed of. He did with me & now I am married. The Lord is just too good!!!

JESUS IS IN LOVE WITH YOU!!! LET US WORSHIP HIM IN OBEDIENCE! WORSHIP GOD BY OBEYING HIM.

Journal 12-11-07

Father,

Please help me find my way back into your everlasting arms. I desire to be in that place where we are together as one. I desire to be consumed by you; embraced by your strong hand, I desire to be in your arms. My heart should be so hidden in you Jesus that a person should have to seek you in order to find me. Will you bring me to that place? I long for intimacy with you Lord. You are incredible yet I find myself bound by sin and the chains tug at me causing me to lose heart. And sin keeps me from being in that place that I desperately desire. I desire you and I don’t want to settle for anything less.

Yet I know that in your faithfulness towards me that you have already delivered me from the bondage of sin. You have freed me and once I am free, I am no longer a slave to sin but to righteousness. Help me to live out practically what you have desired all these years for me to live. Help me to walk in your steps, totally aligned with you as I simply follow after you Lord.

Oh the freedom and peace that comes with walking in union with Jesus. Oh take heart my soul and listen to the words from my lips. How long will you rebel and stray from the One who loves you with a devotion beyond comprehension? How long will you run from the grace that gives you the peace you desire? Run, yes, but not away from the Lord but rather run into the arms of Jesus. Flee youthful lust and call upon the Lord out of a pure heart, with a pure conscience with those who call upon the Lord in the same manner. Pursue the One who has pursued you and subdued the sin nature that weighs you down.

Oh God, you are beautiful. Your holiness is pure, noble, right, and sweet. You are wonderful, incredible, beyond comprehension and you love me. Thank you for loving a man like me. Help me to love you with all of my heart, mind, body and soul. In Jesus name, please hear this prayer and lead me into your ways.

Bill

Journal 12-10-07

It’s been awhile since I have written anything in here. It has been a long season. My 2 year old daughter had pneumonia over Thanksgiving weekend and was in the hospital and then all of us have been sick since then off and on. So it has been a long month and the bills are piling up but God is faithful. I know he will come through as he always has and I am grateful that he has come through so far. My daughter is fine. The rest of my family is fine now but what a long month.

Journal 11/21/07

I don't even know how many times have I found myself doing those things in which You do not delight Lord. Oh, how I hate my past. I have so much regret and when I stand before you on the day of judgment, I know I will have no words to defend myself. I will have no excuses. All I can do is ask for mercy through the merits of Jesus through His sacrificial death on the cross on my behalf.

Heaven is Your throne O Lord and earth is Your footstool. How I am so grateful for that Father. You have all things in your control. Time and again you show yourself faithful to me yet each time I doubt and struggle with believing in your faithfulness to provide for me. When will I simply trust you even when things appear as if they are against me? I think about Isaac in the OT when he lost his son Jacob. He was so distressed and then when he lost Benjamin he said, "All is against me!" Yet things were not against him at all, they were divinely orchestrated in his favor. He just could not see behind the scenes at what you were doing.

Yet how many times do I cry out those same words, "All is against me!" Why do I declare that when you declared in Romans, "If God is for us, who can be against us?" The truth is that you love me and I need to simply embrace your unhindered devotion to me.

Isaiah 62:5 says, "For as a young man marries a virgin, so shall your sons marry you; and as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you."

I can't believe that you actually rejoice over me. I mean, I do believe it, but I am amazed at that. You know where I have been, and in those places of depravity there is no rejoicing, yet you rejoice over me and I am grateful Jesus. I don't deserve you and have been an absolutely horrible ambassador for you. Instead of representing your kingdom in this land, I have taken the gods of this world and have made this world my home. I have indulged in everything this world offers and I have made my bed in hell.

Can you still use me for the advancement of your kingdom in this land? Am I still usable Jesus? What do I need to do to be used by you and to make what is left of this life that you have given me useful for eternity? What can I do to make my life count in eternity?

I was talking with a friend last night and he really brought clarity to me. If your grace doesn't cover all my sins then you don't have any grace at all……and the truth is that your grace does cover all of my sins. OH THANK YOU JESUS! I am so grateful that I am one of your children. Am so thankful that you pursued me with the passion in which you did. Thank you for loving me Jesus. Thank you for life and life more abundantly. You are the greatest thing that has EVER happened to me….. I love you Jesus.

Bill

Journal 10/30/07

Why am I afraid of the judgment to come Jesus? It is because I know where I have been and I know that I have been in some really dark places spiritually. And though I can move forward, I still have to face you on that day over the places that my heart has taken me. I will be held accountable for the things that I have freely indulged in. I am terrified of that day Jesus. Because the reality is that when the time comes for me to give an account of what I have done in the body whether good or bad, I will come up empty handed and I have no excuse at all.

Please forgive me Jesus and have mercy on me……..

Please unveil my eyes so that I can see you Jesus and unveil my heart so I can know you intimately.

Journal 10/29/07

What is happening to me? Why do I feel as if sudden destruction is about to happen? Is there going to be a catastrophe that hits close to home? Are these my last moments here on this planet? If these were to be my last moments on this planet what be my last words? What would I desire for my last words?

Hmmm… how about: I take a leap of faith into the arms of Jesus for it is by his grace alone that I can come to him boldly as he is my desire.

Or, how about, “Please go after Jesus with all that you have; as he is running the race before mankind and is now carrying me; for into His hands I have committed my Spirit.”

Or, “Jesus, take me home, my pilgrimage is over!”

I think my words will be something like this, “Finally I see the finish line is that Jesus? FREEDOM!!!!!!”

Though I do have this fear that I may be one of those people who acknowledge the Lord with my lips yet deny him by my actions. I do have a fear that he will say to me on that day, “Depart from me, for I know you not you worker of iniquity!”

Oh, God, please don’t ever say those horrible words to me; I beg you to have pity on me. I am a total failure in every aspect of life when I look at it from your perspective. I am a liar, a murder, an adulterer, a blasphemer, and the list goes on and on and on and on. Yet I do believe that it is the work that you have done that will cause me to enter into your presence. Is there un-repented sin in my life Jesus? Let that not be so! Far be it for me to live in separation from you. I need to live in total dependence upon you in every part of my life.

I need and desire you Jesus. Please take my life and make it yours. Please take me and do your work in me. Justify me Jesus! Sanctify me and please bring me into glory where I can bask in your incomprehensible glory and companionship.

I am unclean Jesus, I am unholy and I am depraved, and I am a slave to sin which you have freed me from. I am the source of the problem. You take the chains off and then I put them right back on again. How do I run from me? How do I repent of who I am? If I am the source of my sinful behavior, how do I change so that I no longer do the things that my wicked heart desires? How can I stop sinning if that is who I am? I am carnal, sold under sin. Why is this so difficult to figure out. I mean, I battle to do the simplest of things when it comes to holiness and yet I so naturally make my bed in vomit as sin is natural for me. Holiness is unnatural and it takes so much work.

Oh I am so grateful that I am covered by the blood of Jesus. You are the one who purifies and washes me. I cannot cleanse any part of me and I am unclean. You alone can wash me by your Spirit. Please send the Helper to help me Jesus. You made a promise to me that you would send him and not leave me as an orphan. Please open my eyes to see the Helper and to do as he says. I am so tired of grieving the Spirit of God. Please have mercy on me Jesus.

Bill

Journal 10/26/07

The winds have tossed us to and fro as they blow our lives in every direction. I sob as I see the sky turn red and wake up to face another day of my people ignoring the Lord. Oh the abyss awaits for all of humanity who do not know you Jesus. Why will we as a people not surrender ourselves to you? Why are we so deceived? Why are we so hard hearted?

We are self destructing and we don’t even see it. Why are we so blind? Why do we call evil good and good evil? Oh Jesus have mercy on us as a people. We are so wicked and yet in the hardness of our hearts we don’t see what is happening to us as a people.

I pray that you would humble us and causes us whether great or small to see reality. Let us see that you are real, that you will not be mocked and that you still desire to pour out your grace and mercy upon all of humanity. Please help us to see the truth. Help us to repent and turn from our wicked ways. Help us to see you in your glory as you are the risen Christ, the Son of the God Most High.

Help us not to trust in wealth or the military, or technology, but to trust in you only. We think we are so sophisticated yet we are not. We are simply carnal, perverse, and totally depraved.

Jesus, please cleanse our land of unrighteousness and wash us with your Spirit. Please forgive me as I am just as guilty if not even more guilty than my people. Have mercy on us Jesus and bring revival to our land once again.

In Jesus name I ask and petition you my King, Amen

Journal 10/24/07

So often we equate the love of God with mercy, and tenderness and we at times willingly forget that the Lord is a God of justice. He will not tolerate wickedness for too long and there comes a point in time when the sins of the land reach the heavens and become a stench in the nostrils of God.

In Genesis God judged the city of Sodom and Gomorra because the outcry of wickedness was so great that it reached heaven and when the Lord visited the city all the men young and old had the desire to rape the Lord (Like that will ever happen!). So the Lord blinded them and got Lot out and destroyed that city.

In Revelation, 19:11, it reads:

11 Now I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse. And He who sat on him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness He judges and makes war. 12 His eyes were like a flame of fire, and on His head were many crowns. He had a name written that no one knew except Himself. 13 He was clothed with a robe dipped in blood, and His name is called The Word of God. 14 And the armies in heaven, clothed in fine linen, white and clean, followed Him on white horses. 15 Now out of His mouth goes a sharp sword, that with it He should strike the nations. And He Himself will rule them with a rod of iron. He Himself treads the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God. 16 And He has on His robe and on His thigh a name written: KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS.

Notice verse 15, “15 Now out of His mouth goes a sharp sword, that with it He should strike the nations. And He Himself will rule them with a rod of iron. He Himself treads the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God”

Jesus is going to judge the world for its sins as he cleanses this world of its sin and makes war with the enemies of God.

Now this is speculation only, but I find it interesting at the same time that the governor of California signs into law SB 777 forcing homosexual behavior as acceptable in the schools that the fires start breaking out uncontrollably in the State and over 1 million people need to be evacuated THUS FAR.

Then we have our demon-crats in Washington rushing through the ENDA bill again placing the homo, Bi, and lesbian sexual behavior as federally protected behaviors.

Is it me or is there a pattern here? Judgment was placed on Sodom and Gomorra with fire and brimstone when homosexual behavior became mainstream and the focus in politics. And as it were then, so it is now, and now California is on fire…..

I am sure people will disagree with me and that is ok, it may not be long that I can proclaim this here in America but at least for the moment I do indeed have the freedom to share my opinion.

And I have not even touched on Zachariah’s prophesy against all those who decide to split up Jerusalem that God would come against them; and here we are having Condalisa Rice publicly saying that they want divide up the city of Jerusalem and if Israel will not agree, then the USA will publicly blame Israel.

I fear that we are only seeing the beginning of devastation that faces America and the rest of the world for that matter. I do pray that God would show mercy once again, but at the same time, God is a righteous judge who judges in holiness. I believe that if I am to live out my life without dying prematurely that I will be living when the rapture takes place. We are that close and I believe that the world as we know it will no longer be “business as usual” but that we are jumping towards the end of the age.

You can call me crazy, or a right wing nut, but I do believe that we are about to experience something so intense that nothing in history will be able to compare with what is to come. Please make sure that you are spiritually right with your Creator and that you are walking with Jesus, the Author and Finisher of your faith.

Bill Scott, Sr.

Quote

“If sinners are to be damned, let them leap over our bodies to do so”

Charles H. Spurgeon

Journal 10/18/07

There comes a day when we must all face our Creator and give an account for the things done in the body. I fear that the things I have done in the body may have offended the Creator of my soul and if not for his unbending grace and love towards me, I would feel totally hopeless. Oh how I cling to the mercy of God. Jesus, please have pity on me the worst of all hypocrites and sinners.

Jesus, please forgive me for ALL the things that I have done in this body of mine that have shamed your name. Please have mercy on me and use me for your glory. Please take my life and make it yours. I really do regret the things of my past whether I did it in the recent past or in the distant past, I regret not surrendering my all to you.

I plead with all of you who read my blog; PLEASE give your all to Jesus today. Don’t let another minute go by where you are not walking in perfect communion with the Master of your soul. Jesus is worthy, do you hear me? He is worthy of your life. He shed his blood and redeemed us and has given us power over those sins that entangle us. Don’t live another moment unless you are living in perfect communion with Jesus, the son of God.

Bill

Dear Jesus

Dear Jesus,

I wanted to write you and share with you my heart
Although you already know it, I still want to start
For you alone are worthy of all honor and praise
My Jesus, I want to serve you all of my days.

My past has been ugly, it has been a big mess
As I’ve boasted empty words and still remained faithless
Yet you have remained faithful; for you never shift
You have poured out your love and your grace as a gift

This is my love letter to you my Lord
I desire to praise you as you are my reward
How can words ever explain just how great you are?
Words simply cannot; even wise words from afar.

I look at creation and the work of your hands
I stand back in awe as you’ve numbered the sand
I look at the stars, and galaxies far away
You spoke them into existence as they are there on display.

I look at redemption and the good news you bring
I start rejoicing as I dance and I sing
You are so wonderful, yet I still don’t have a clew
All I know is that I need so much more of you.

The passion you have towards me is amazing
When I experience you Jesus, I cannot stop praising
You are the Great I AM, the Mighty God and King
You rejoice over me every night as you sing

Oh Jesus I love you, yet not as much as I could
For my heart has been hardened and that is not good
Please help me to surrender to you alone
As I bow down before you; as you sit on your throne

Bill.

Journal 10/8/07

I hate not being with you, Jesus. I want to be with him in eternity so badly. I want to live in total abandonment to Your will yet the flesh prevents me from reaching the fullness of this desire. And I hate my flesh. I hate the fact that I love the flesh at times and hate it at other times. I hate this body of death that I live in. I want you Jesus….I really do. I want the glorified body so that I can take in your glory and behold you in your majesty. I hunger for you Jesus, I need you, I desire you, I MUST HAVE YOU!!!!!!

Please conform me into your image as you alone are my hope and desire…….

Journal 10/5/07

No matter what happens, the Lord Jesus Christ is good….always remember that. There is nothing better in life than total surrender to His wonderful will and when we finally realize that and finally surrender, oh how blessed that is.

Is today the day that I finally surrender my everything to the Master of all things? Oh Jesus, use my life to bring you glory. For too long I have shamed you as you know where I have been. You know that my lips praise you continually yet my heart has been so far from you. But I repent, I again come to you in surrender and I ask that you would take the shackle of sin off of my life. Why is sin so enticing and though I know it brings death, why do I bite it? I know that I will regret the things I have done, but its too late to change them Jesus. All I can do is live for you and your glory now. Please forgive me for the bad things I have done and the good things that I have not done. Please cleanse me from the inside and make me a brand new creature.

I am so frustrated with the hardness of my heart Lord. Please deliver me from self and from the oppression of the enemy. Help me to no longer live for the pleasures of this world. I don’t want to be a friend of the world because in doing so I have become your enemy and I HATE being in that place. I want to be on your team and an enemy of the world. I want to make my bed in heaven, not in hell and yet I have done the contrary. Oh Jesus have mercy on me. In your loving kindness and tender mercy, please over look and forgive my transgressions, iniquity, rebellion and sin.

I do love you Jesus, and yet I fear that I am not even saved, so I am left with trust. I have to simply trust you that your word is true and that you love me and that you are faithful to save me, because I do believe that you alone are the only way to heaven. And so I trust you contrary to my feelings that you will indeed save me and take me home.

I want to have the passion of Paul and Peter, and all the other saints of old who gave themselves to you in total abandonment. Will I ever be that way?

update

I have not really written much these days......don't know why.

Bill

Journal 9/11/07

Oh how I want to see your face Jesus. I long for you. You are so beautiful and I want to behold you in all your glory. I am desperate for you Jesus. I want to be embraced by you and I want to embrace you. I cant wait until the day that I can receive a physical hug from you. That day will be so amazing to me.

Your grace overwhelms me in a good way as you simply love on me. Why Lord? Why do you love me so? Why did you create me as I am and in this day and age? One thing I know and I pray I never forget is that I realize that I need you more now than I have ever needed you in the past. I cant take another breath without you. When everything is stripped away from me and I am left here standing totally bare with only you, that will suffice. You are what I need and all I need.

I am so tired of living the American dream with the house, the two cars, the 2.3 children and white picked fence. I feel as if there is so much more that you are calling me to and I desire to align myself in that calling. Are you calling me to the nations of the world Father? I want to go wherever you take me. Would you want me to move to India? China? Where do you want me? Do I stay in Portland? I cant live the shallow American lifestyle anymore, it is so depressing and there are really no eternal rewards.

What is it that you want me to do? Please pour out your Spirit upon me and give me your heart. I want to be a man that goes after you with all of my heart and a man who loves people as you love them. Please do that work in my life Jesus. And please align my wife and kids with your heart as well so that we are one unit walking in the calling that you have given to us.

You are worthy of all honor and praise Jesus. You are worthy of brilliant majesty as you are the King of kings and you reign in righteousness. You show mercy to a 1000 generations and you have shown mercy to me time and time again. You alone are the God who delivers me from the wretch that I am.

Oh how I sense you calling me away unto yourself. I sense that you are in the process more than ever of chasing me down and bringing into that place where you are my substance and my end. You Spirit is chasing me and I refuse to run because your splendor is awesome to take in. I want all of you. I want to wrap my arms around you. I want you, I MUST HAVE YOU!!!! You are so incredible and I am blown away at your compassion and tenderness.

Take me fully Jesus. I am yours and want to remain with you forever.

Bill

Journal 9/10/07

If today was my day to die, what legacy would I leave behind? Would I have lived to honor the Lord or would I have dragged his name through the mud? Will my kids know who Jesus is? Will they be known by Him as His? Will they see me as a man who loves God and will they desire to walk my path? Or have I lead them away from Jesus as I trod down the path of wrath and self destruction?

I have seen what lurks within me and it is the worst of all blackness. I am a man in need of a Savior. The demons call out to me by name and entice me daily. How many times will I listen to them and bite the bait that they offer?

Oh God, I worship you for you are the Holy One of Israel and I am in need of you so desperately. I feel cut off. I feel hell bound and yet, I refuse to obey my feelings for they deceive me time and time again. And though I feel like I have lost my place in your kingdom, you have declared that I have a place and that you love me. Thank you Jesus because it is so tough to walk when my feelings purposely lie to me about you and your greatness.

So back to my thought. If I were to die today, I want every moment from here on out to be lived in total surrender and abandonment to Jesus. He is the only one that matters. He is enough and he alone is all I need. I want to know the Lord in a deeper way. I want to know the thoughts of my Lord and I want to live as his redeemed one in every moment and in all circumstances.

How I pray that my children come to know the Lord. Oh God is so good. His mercies are new every morning and it is always morning somewhere in the world. And I will put on these tender mercies as I want to be more like Jesus.

I want my life to reflect his purity, yet it hasn’t. I want my life to reflect his greatness, yet again, all I have reflected is me. And there is nothing pure or great about me in and of myself.

Jesus, I again come to you in worship and surrender. I want you to be my everything. I want to love you more than I love food, water, air or sleep. I want you to my only passion in life. I want to be so consumed by you that nothing else matters in comparison.

My heart is broken Jesus. I pray for a healing yet at the same time, I need a time of brokenness because these are the sweetest times for me spiritually as I really do learn to trust in you.

Please use me to advance your saving gospel and help me to bring everyone I come into contact with to you. I want to live out the rest of my days, bringing saints and non believers into your presence so that they can see you in all your glory. Please anoint me and sanctify my by your Spirit whom I have grieved far too many times. Please grow me in grace and compassion and help me to follow you with my whole heart, never looking back…..I want to run this race with endurance. Help me to endure and to remain focused on you. I love you Jesus, not as I ought to, but I still do love you. Help me to love you the way that you desire. Please restore me and pour out your Spirit upon me.

On the merits of Jesus alone I ask you to do this Father, Amen.

Bill

Journal 9/7/07

Father,

Your grace reveals your beauty. You bought me at a price that I cant imagine as it is so high. You see the depths of my heart yet you still love me. I am so blown away. I pray that you would be merciful on me and that you would continue the work that you started before the foundation of the world when you chose me to walk closely with you. Please wash me thoroughly. I need you, I need your compassion and pity. Please take pity on me Jesus. Please heal my broken heart from the depravity that it has embraced for so long. You are so wonderful and glorious and I regret all the times I have shamed your wonderful name.

I raise my hands Jesus as your mercy falls upon me and I receive your washing. I surrender, I quit. I am tired of fighting and resisting you and your greatness. You deserve nothing less than my total surrender and that is where I want to be. And though I cant promise where I will be tomorrow or even tonight, I promise that right now, right in this moment I give myself to you. Please do as you wish with me and help me to rejoice in you no matter what happens to me in the future. I give you all of me right here, right now, in this moment.

That past is gone and the future does not exist, all I have is the present and that is what I am giving to you. Oh how I want to be like the Saints of old where they lived and died in total abandonment to you Jesus. How do I get in that place and stay there? I want to be a man who lives and dies to bring you glory. Because your glory is the only thing that will last throughout the ages. Teach me to number my days so that I will no longer sin against you.

Bill

Todays devotional

http://ginaconroy.com/groupblog/wordpress/?p=592

Please check it out, I wrote one for each Wednesday for the month of August.

Bill

Journal 8/28/07

The world has crashed down around me as I am effected by the horror that is inflicted upon my soul. I never wanted to be the one to break your heart Lord. I need to find a place to rest before the sun sets. Will I lay alone? Will I have to lay my head upon a stone? And if I fall asleep will I have nightmares? Because my nightmares do not end when I am awake.

Strong winds are ravishing the waters as the waves crash upon the shores of my life. I hear the whistling of demons as they taunt me in their fury. I am in a time of despair and the outlook is grey. I feel so alone.

I have been wounded. I am desperately seeking mercy as I lay here desolate. Like a mad man I have hurt the ones I love and more than that, the One who gave himself for me. My soul longs for rest. My soul cries out for the city of peace as my heart beats relentlessly in total desperation for freedom from this body of death that I find myself trapped in.

I am hurting Jesus. Please lift this weight that I have placed upon my shoulders and help me to walk in total surrender from this day forward.

I need to hear your voice Jesus through the winds and this storm. I need to hear you. Please call out to me so I can find my way back to you. I long to be safe in the shelter that you provide in the cleft of the rock.

I know that there is no one else who can love me more than you do. And I am so blessed to be loved by you Jesus. Please hold me until this pain in me is gone. Please forgive me Jesus for doing my own will and not yours. Please forgive me for taking all the blessings that you have given to me for granted.

Forgiveness is essentially your way of removing the great obstacle to my fellowship with you Father. By cancelling my sin and paying for it with the death of your own Son, you open the way for me to see you and know you and enjoy you forever.

Thank you Father for loving me.

Bill