Father,
My heart has been so anxious these last couple of days. And I am not sure why. Please help me to be anxious for nothing but with everything by prayer and supplication help me to present my requests to You O Lord. I feel like such a failure when it comes to my walk with You. And the truth is that I am a failure and yet I know that You are ok with that. You love me and You can and will work through my broken life. And that is what I long for. I want to be so intimately acquainted with You. I want us to be one as You are one with Jesus and Jesus is one with You. Will You help me Father?
I feel like all I do is sin. I mean, I struggle with internal feelings of anger or frustration. I struggle with being in the flesh and I look forward to the day when You complete my salvation. I look forward to the day when You glorify and deliver me fully from the flesh that I live in. Am I doing things wrong Lord? Am I trying to do Your work in my flesh? I am so confused on what to do and where to go. And when I feel like you are laying things on my heart, it seems like when I pursue those things that the doors close. And that is ok, it really is Lord, I just wish I could hear from you more clearly.
Sometimes I want to just roll up into a ball and weep and sob Lord. I say this and I am not even depressed. I just feel so inconsistent and I am struggling with hearing from You right now. I desire to be godly Lord. And I know that the desire alone will bring persecution for You have said through your human pens, “those who desire to live a godly live will suffer persecution”.
I have this burning to lead Your people into Your presence father, and yet I feel so unable to do so. I am not talking about playing music. How do I lead others to You through worship? How do I bring them to that place where you can minister to them? And I want to be able to teach and pastor Your people Lord, but I am so unqualified. I lack your anointing and my heart breaks as I am so incompetent. But the desire doesn’t leave me. Is this my flesh Lord? Or is this something that You are placing in my heart? Help me to sort through this. I need Your wisdom and Your counsel.
Also Lord, my heart condemns me. It really does. But You say in Your word, “For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things” You know my heart Lord. Please use me. I want to be a light that shines; I desire to be a Lamp that brings Your light to the people of this world whether they are believers or not. Are you willing to take my broken messed up sin-filled life and use me for Your glory? Please do Jesus. Please use me.
Please give me a heart of compassion and tenderness towards you and towards people. I am so heartless most of the time and I want to invest in people with genuine love towards them. I want to love people with an Agape love and I can’t do that. You are the only one who can supply that sort of love. Please burden me to purse You until Your love permeates out of me.
Love always,
Your struggling child,
Bill
