Father,
I am a liar, a thief, and adulterer, a murderer, I covet, Im a blasphemer, a heathen, I am rebellious and a stench of death. My heart is black; I am deceitful, full of malice and envy. I love evil and hate good and I am a mess. I want to do the right things yet I never do. I always tend to do the things that bring your name shame. I am selfish and proud. I am arrogant and have a form of spirituality yet I deny the power of it. I am a depraved and wicked man who needs his redeemer to cleanse me. Will you please forgive me for being so apathetic and complacent? Please forgive me for being all those things in the above list. I have so many issues Jesus.
Will I ever get past all these dark sins that cause me to be a man of flesh? Will I ever be a man who is truly led by your spirit? Am I even born again? Am I one of those seeds in the parable of the sower who was cast on rocky ground and when it sprout up it grew with joy until the sun burned it up because it had no depth? Am I one of your kids Lord? Or am I one who simply professes you verbally yet denies you with my actions. Will you say to me on that day, “Good job my faithful servant, come enter into your rest” or will you say, “Depart from me you worker of iniquity, for I NEVER knew you!” I hope you know me Jesus. Yet maybe you do not. Do I know you?
And repentance, I struggle repenting as I have so many issues. And then I question my repentance. Is it really repentance when I stop a specific sin just to do the same sin again the next day? Why won’t I repent? I desire to and I try yet I find myself caught up in the moment and when I look into my heart of hearts I see the man listed in the 1st paragraph of this journal entry.
AAAARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!! This is so frustrating! I have so many issues and yet I bring them all upon myself as I listen to my flesh and simply don’t take the time to OBEY You Lord. Why won’t I surrender? Will there ever come a day that I will finally get past these things? Will there ever come a day where I simply choose to pursue Jesus with all that is in me? Will I always be unclean?
According to Your words Jesus I have been declared righteous and yet my life does not resemble a life that is righteous. My life resembles a life of rebellion and blackness. I can easily spiritualize my talk and fool those who are closest to me yet I can never fool you. Who am I kidding? I have no idea what it means to be a Christian. I have no clue how to live the victorious life that I hear of so many others in the past living out. I conclude that I can’t do this. I am simply unable to move forward and live out the abundant life that I hear about.
So now what? What happens now? I want to claim the words of Peter when you asked him would he leave you like the other disciples did. Where can I go Lord? You alone have the words of eternal life. So now I have a question for you Lord. What am I doing wrong? Or what is it that I am not doing? Please speak to me Lord; although if I am being real, I probably won’t listen anyways. Why am I like this Jesus? Is there something that I am missing that will make all this stuff simply click? I am desperate Lord and yet in my heart of hearts I feel as if nothing has changed and I will still be the man I deplore.
I need to hear from you. I need the power of your gospel to shed light in the darkness of my heart so that I can see the real problem. Please forgive me Jesus for giving into my flesh and not pursuing after you like I should. I am at a loss and don’t know what else to say.
Bill
