Funny how my emotions are right now. I am convinced by my emotions that You are going to crush me for my rebellion and wickedness towards You. That is what my emotions tell me. They tell me that You are going to reach down and wipe me out which is what I deserve. Yet in reality, if I get wiped out, it will not be because of Your anger against me or anything of that sort, it will be solely because of the sin that dwells in me and the poor choices that I have made over the years. I am the worse of all sinners as I have known the truth and rebelled against.
Are You still with me Jesus? Or have I crossed the line where only retribution awaits me? I hate the things I have done. I hate my past. I hate and despise all those times where I sinned against You. Will You have mercy on me Jesus?
I need mercy. I need mercy. Please take pity on me Jesus. Please heal me and restore me to the place where You have called me to be. Please help me to be a better husband and father. I am so gripped with fear as I await that day when I stand before You shamed by the poor choices that I have made. And I ought to be looking forward to the day when we meet face to face. I want to fall in love with You Jesus. I want to be fully consumed by Your greatness that I live to worship and praise You. But my strength is gone. I am a tree in the dessert withering away in the dryness of the scorching sun.
How in the world can I continue if I cant find You Jesus? All the things that I desired in my youth I regret now as they were so selfish and self centered. I want to be a man who pursues goals of lasting value. Oh my heart fails me. I feel like Matthew 15:8 is a scripture that you wrote specifically for me. For it says in Mathew 15:8 – These people draw near to Me with their mouth, And honor Me with their lips, But their heart is far from Me.
I can appear so spiritual on paper. Yet writing a devotional or a journal entry or a poem does not make me any more spiritual. What is the point of these things if my heart is far from You? And my heart has been far from You for a very long time.
My hope is 1 John 3:20 – For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things. I hope this says what I think it says in the context of this journal entry. Because my heart condemns me and it should for I have sinned and sinned and sinned against You Jesus. Please forgive me for the rebellion that I have been in. Please forgive me for not going after you the way that you deserve. Please forgive me for choosing sin over intimacy with you.
I am sick to my stomach because of the things that I have done. Please forgive me Jesus and help me to walk in a manner that is pleasing to you. Help me to rejoice in the joy of my salvation once again and teach me Your ways Lord that I may walk in truth all the days of my life.
I know that I am your desire. I am yours, have your way with me. I commit my mind, body and soul into your hands.
Bill Scott, Sr.
