Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Journal 8/7/07

Father,

I have been living my own way; thinking of myself only and not seeking you for anything. I have been building castles in the sand as the temporary pleasures of life which mean absolutely nothing have consumed me to the point of utter destruction. And now the storms have come and the walls of sand are crashing in and falling down upon me. In my castle of sand I thought I was a prince when in fact I was only a slave. So here I am Jesus once again as I stand here weeping in sorrow and anguish of soul for my wretchedness towards you.

My face is soaked as the tears flood down my cheeks like a broken dam. I have held my ground for as long as I can in my own stubbornness and I can no longer do so. I need you Jesus, I need your grace so desperately. I am sliding in the torrents of mud as my own pride and self-seeking heart is my constant downfall. I can’t hold my ground any longer as it has washed out beneath me Lord, so here I am reaching out my hand as I beg for mercy and pity.

Please take me back Jesus. Please free me from this world. Please free me from the slavery which the world brings. Though the storms of life drench me and cause me to almost drown, when I make the world my friend they always leave me high and dry which is far worse. And now I swim in the mess that I have made as I drag your name through the mud.

I am not worthy Jesus to be associated with you let alone called one of yours. I have abandoned all the things you have taught me and I have shamed your name so badly. How I hate the morning sun because it drags me into another day of shame and of reaping what I have sown.

Oh please transform me into your likeness Jesus. Free me.

Bill