Dad,
There was a time when I was younger when I said that I would follow You wherever You go. I had so many traits of the Apostle Peter where I thought I would never deny You nor walk away from You. But the years have taken a toll on my passion and have quenched the flame that burned within me for so many years. I feel as if I have burned down all the bridges that You have built to me Lord. I feel as if I have forsaken You too many times. Yet I know that Your grace covers my faithlessness. I know that it does not excuse it but Your blood covers me. Oh how I want You to burn in me a flame of passion for You and Your kingdom once again. I want to flee from my religion of apathy and run in love towards You Lord. I want to be a person who simply seeks to know You. Help me draw near to You Lord.
You know Lord that many times in my barrenness when I have been in the desert places in my journey with You that there have been times I have felt that You were pure fiction. And in those times You have heard my failed petitions to serve You endlessly. You have heard my empty clatter and shallow words. Most of my petitions from me to You have failed. Not because of You but because of where my heart has been. Every boast in my heart that I have had of following after You have ended in my simple denial of You and Your power. Anything I have generated in and of myself has only left me fruitless and faithless towards You. Yet though I am faithless You remain faithful and devoted to me.
I want to SCREAM AAAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!! But it doesn’t make me feel any better. As I sit here and hate the sins that I allow to overtake me far too often. Why o’ soul do you pursue the things that can never satisfy? Why O’ why wont you surrender fully to Jesus? What are you afraid of? What is it that you are confused about? I hate you at times because you take me from the One who loves me. I hate and am so frustrated with myself because I refuse to remain in that place where I simply sit with Jesus.
How I long to be a different person than I really am. How I long to sing from the heart in passionate devotion to You Jesus as You take me from this valley into the highest of heights. I used to say that I would do anything for You and time has revealed that to not be so true. Why wont I surrender all of me fully to You Lord?
Jesus, please give me another love song for You. Give me songs of praise for You. Give me songs of surrender from my heart to You. Help me to convey not just my heart but Your heart through songs and through writing. I am so desperate. I am so needy. Yet those words “I am” can do two things. I can think of me and what “I am.” Or I can think upon the Great I AM! What a difference that makes. When my focus is removed from me and placed on You.
And what happens when I take my eyes off me and put them on You? I start thinking about things bigger than me as I get a glimpse at Your heart. I start to think about the unsaved peoples of this world.
God you alone can save the nations and can reach the people groups of the world. Please open up the doors to reach these people. You know all things and I desire to get my heart in line with Yours. I want to be like the prophet Isaiah where I cry out the words, “Woe is me! I am a man of unclean lips”, as I am undone in your presence. I want to receive the coal from your alter that deals with the specific sins that I embrace so that you can cleanse me. And then I want to hear You speak as Isaiah heard You talking among your Godhead where You said, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for Us?”
I want to be one who hears that. I want to hear Your call to the nations and I want to respond. I desire to be a man who no longer determines his own steps but answers Your call. I want to be a man who says, “Send me Lord!”
I often say that I love You Lord and it seems that You has been leading me as I ask You to bless all my plans. But I am not so sure that I have been following You. I think I have been doing what I want and following my own steps as I build my house on the sand instead of the Rock.
If that is the case, please redirect me. I repent, at least I think I do…..history would tell me no that I am not repenting but I don’t care about history or what I have done or not done in the past. I really want to at this moment in time to give You all of me. So here I am Lord. I stand here before the Great I Am and I seek Your counsel and desire to hear Your voice. You are moving in the midst of Your church and I desire at this point in time to get in line and to align my heart with Yours. Please have Your way with me.
This is my heart and my petition to You my King, my Lord, my Father and my Dad. And I come to You on the merits of Jesus….so I know You hear this petition and I know You will answer it. So here I am waiting……until I hear You say the words…..SO BE IT!
Amen!
